Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood (2003, directed by Steven Ayrolmlooi)


In Los Angeles, four friends are hanging out at an abandoned youth center when one of them falls through a hole and discovers a fortune in gold coins. The friends take the gold for themselves, which gets them on the bad side of the Leprechaun (Warwick Davis).

It’s the same old song and dance. From the title and the urban setting, you might think that this is a straight sequel to Leprechaun in the Hood, but this film actually contradicts that film by having the Leprechaun get trapped underground during the same time that, in the previous film, he was terrorizing Jennifer Aniston in North Dakota and existing as a statue in Ice-T’s office.

This was the first Leprechaun film to be produced by Lionsgate and the first to go straight to video, and it’s obvious that it was a rush job done on the cheap. The kills are uninventive and the blood is CGI. (Would Karo syrup have really cost that much?) With the exception of Warwick Davis, the casting is uninspired. Sticky Fingaz is not a good enough substitute for Ice-T.

Sadly, this was also Warwick Davis’s final outing as the Leprechaun, and the movie doesn’t even let him go out on a good note. No rhymes, no puns, and no bad jokes, nothing that really made the Leprechaun anything more than just someone in an elaborate costume. Did Lionsgate think that people were watching the Leprechaun films for some reason other than the title character? Considering that Warwick Davis was really the only reason any of these movies were watchable, he definitely deserved better.

Leprechaun In The Hood (2000, directed by Rob Spera)


After they’re dropped by record producer Mack Daddy O’Nasses (Ice-T), three aspiring rappers get their revenge by breaking into Mack Daddy’s office. When Mack Daddy shows up unexpectedly, Postmaster P (Antony Montgomery) panics and shoots him. Thinking that Mack Daddy is dead, Postmaster P steals the small golden flute that he always carries with him. One of Postmaster P’s partners removes a medallion from a statue of the Leprechaun, bringing the Leprechaun back to life. Now, Postmaster P and his friends find themselves being pursued by both the Leprechaun and Mack Daddy (who, it turns out, was not dead).

To give some credit where it is due, Leprechaun in the Hood gets off to a good start with a flashback to a young Mack Daddy, complete with platform shoes and a giant afro, first finding the statue and the golden flute. The opening had the right amount of humor and style, and it also had Ice-T and Warwick Davis acting opposite each other. If the movie had stayed in the 70s and if Ice-T had been the star instead of just a supporting character, Leprechaun in the Hood could have been a classic mix of blaxploitation style and campy horror. But then the movie jumps into the present with Postmaster P and his boring friends, and an uneasy mix of gore and mean-spirited humor.

Given the Leprechaun’s love for rhymes, an eventual hip-hop Leprechaun movie was probably the next logical step in the franchise, and it does make slightly more sense to find him here than in outer space. I have to wonder how, if the Leprechaun spent nearly twenty years as a statue in Ice-T’s office, he was also able to be in North Dakota and Las Vegas at the same time. I guess you don’t need continuity when you’ve got a pot of gold.

Leprechaun 4: In Space (1996, directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith)


In the far future, the Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) is living on another planet where he’s trying to marry a space princess and he’s interfering with Earth’s mining operations.  A bunch of Space Marines show up and take the Leprechaun out.  One of the Marines decides to take a leak on the Leprechaun’s remains.  The reborn Leprechaun later springs out of the Marine’s penis, which I guess is one of those leprechaun powers that usually goes unmentioned.  The Space Marines are in trouble and so is the franchise.  A sudden trip into space is usually a pretty good sign that you’ve run out of ideas.

I was hoping that this one,  like the second and the third Leprechaun films, would turn out to be better than I remembered but no, it was still pretty crappy.  Obviously, continuity has never been too big a deal in these movies but what is an Irish leprechaun doing on a different planet and why does it now take a group of Space Marines to stop him whereas once all it took was Jennifer Aniston?  Sending the Leprechaun into space sounds like it should work but the action is slow and the script is lacking in even providing a few good one liners.  I don’t think much thought was given to the film, beyond tossing the little guy into orbit.

As always, Warwick Davis is the strength of the franchise.  He’s the main reason why I always want these movies to be better than they actually are.  Otherwise, Leprechaun 4 doesn’t even work on a camp level.  The movie ends with a giant leprechaun hand giving everyone the finger.  Was that meant to be for the Space Marines or the audience?

Leprechaun 3 (1995, directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith)


This time, the Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) is in Las Vegas! At the start of the movie, he’s been turned into a statue but that doesn’t last long. This time, his lucky coin is found by a college student named Scott (John Gatins) who has stupidly gambled away all of his tuition money. What I always wonder with these films is why the Leprechaun is so careless with his coins. They’re the only thing that he really cares about but he’s always dropping one and leaving it behind. Scott and Tammy (Lee Armstrong), herself a recent Vegas arrival, are pursued not just by the Leprechaun but also by a host of other greedy humans who all have wishes of their own to make. It’s Vegas and everyone has a game going.

Yesterday, I stated that Leprechaun 2 was the best of the Leprechaun films but Leprechaun 3 is a close runner-up. Leprechaun 3 has the strongest sense of humor of the series and some of the best and most creative kills. Scott starts to turn into a leprechaun himself, complete with a craving for potatoes, which adds something new to the proceedings. Leprechaun 3 may not have as good a lead as Jennifer Aniston and Shevonne Durkin but it does have the great Caroline Williams as a casino employee who makes the mistake of wishing for a younger, more voluptuous figure. Thanks to Warwick Davis and director Brian Trenchard-Smith, this Leprechaun film is mean, humorous, and more fun than it probably should be.

Leprechaun 2 (1994, directed by Roman Flender)


The Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) is back! He’s abandoned North Dakota for Los Angeles, and now he’s looking for Bridget Callum (Shevonne Durkin), the descendant of a woman to whom he was promised centuries ago. The Leprechaun knows how to hold a grudge. Bridget already has a boyfriend named Cody Ingalls (Charlie Heath), who gives tours of celebrity cemeteries for Morty Ingalls (Sandy Baron).

Leprechaun 2 is significantly better than the first Leprechaun, if only because dark and grim Los Angeles seems like a better location for the story than North Dakota. Leprechaun 2 doesn’t get as much attention as the first one because it doesn’t feature Jennifer Aniston, but it does feature Shevonne Durkin, and any ’90s kid can tell you that’s almost as good. The Leprechaun is even nastier in the second film than he was in the first, and Warwick Davis continues to show an admirable dedication to bringing the character to life.

This film is also gorier than the first Leprechaun. The first Leprechaun was made with a younger audience in mind, even if it was an R-rated movie. Leprechaun 2 was clearly made to appeal to the type of teenagers who have always wondered what would happen if someone mistook a lawn mower for a Shevonne Durkin. For me, the most memorable scene is Morty making the mistake of wishing for a pot of gold and then discovering that it’s in his stomach. The Leprechaun offers to dig it out. That scene really stuck with me when I was a kid.

The Leprechaun would have more adventures, but this one was the best.

Leprechaun (1993, directed by Mark Jones)


Teenage Tory (Jennifer Aniston) is visiting her family’s new North Dakota farmhouse when the dimwits hired to paint the place accidentally set free the Leprechaun (Warwick Davis), who had been trapped in the basement ten years earlier by the former owner. The Leprechaun wants all of his gold. It’s too bad the painters already found the gold and one of them somehow swallowed a piece. This Leprechaun gets all of his gold back except for that one piece. Leprechauns don’t stop until they get all the gold. It’s the Leprechaun code.

The very first Leprechaun film is actually a pretty simple affair. I am surprised the movie was given a theatrical release, because everything about it feels like something that would go direct-to-video. The puns are bad and the kills are unimpressive, though this might be the only movie to feature a deadly pogo stick. It also features a Leprechaun in a go-kart and a kid saying, “Fuck you, Lucky Charms!” because the cereal company decided they didn’t want their product in the film.  That earned Leprechaun an R-rating.  It would probably have been a PG-13 otherwise.

Warwick Davis is at least having fun as the Leprechaun. After Return of the Jedi and Willow, this film was his chance not only to be bad but also to head a franchise, and you can’t blame him for taking advantage of it. Jennifer Aniston is cute beyond words, and this is probably her liveliest film performance. The movie would probably be forgotten if it hadn’t spawned so many sequels. Remember Leprechaun in the Hood?

No Ewoks, No Jar Jar: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016, directed by Gareth Edwards)


rogue_one_a_star_wars_story_posterA long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

The evil Galactic Empire spent what had to be billions of Imperial credits to build the greatest weapon in the universe.  It was known as the Death Star and it housed a laser so powerful that it could blow up a planet with just one shot.  And yet, for all the effort and all the years that were spent building it, the Death Star had one glaring vulnerability, an exposed exhaust valve that the Rebel Alliance twice used to the destroy it.

For years, fanboys debated why the Empire would go to the trouble to build a super weapon with such an obvious design flaw.  I have to admit that I was often one of them.  No one else seemed to care but, to us, this was a huge deal.  If the Empire could figure out how to blow up a planet with one super laser, why couldn’t they figure out how to protect that one valve?

Now, thanks to Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, we have an answer.  We not only know why that valve was there but we also know what was meant in New Hope when the rebel general said that the plans to the Death Star had been stolen at great cost.

Rogue One is a fan’s dream, one that answers questions while expanding on the Star Wars mythology.  Unlike the previous prequels, it adds to the story without cheapening the original films.  In fact, of all the Star Wars films, Rogue One is the first to make the Death Star into a believable weapon of mass destruction.  When it appears over one planet, it blots out the sun.  When it blows up a rebel base, we see the destruction from inside the base instead of observing it from the safety of Death Star.  Director Gareth Evans does for the Death Star what he previously did for Godzilla.

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Unfortunately, like Godzilla, the action and the special effects in Rogue One are usually more interesting than any of the film’s characters.  Felicity Jones, Diego Luna, Donnie Yen, Jiang Wen, Alan Tudyk, and Riz Ahmed are all good actors but they’re all playing underwritten parts.  No one steps up like Harrison Ford did in the original trilogy.  Commander Kennec, played by Ben Mendelsohn, has a little more depth than the typical Imperial villain but, for better or worse, the film’s most memorable performances come from a CGI Peter Cushing and James Earl Jones providing the voice of Darth Vader.

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Despite the underwritten characters, Rogue One is still the best Star Wars film since Empire Strikes Back, a return to the grittiness, the thrilling action, and the awe of discovering new worlds that distinguished the first two movies.  For once, a Star Wars film seems to have more on its mind than just selling toys.  Though we already know what is ultimately going to happen to the Death Star at the end of New Hope, Rogue One is a frequently downbeat film.  There are no Ewoks and, to great relief and rejoicing, Jar Jar is never seen.  The closest that Rogue One gets to comic relief is Alan Tudyk providing the voice of a cynical robot.  The emphasis is on the horrors of war and even the rebels are troubled by some of the things that they have done.  For once, the Rebel Alliance actually feels like a rebellion and the evil of the Empire feels real instead of cartoonish.

Rogue One is projected to be the first of many “Star Wars stories,” stand-alone film that will expand the universe and hopefully clarify some of the points that were left unclear by the original trilogy.  I think it’s going to be very successful very Disney.  I’m just dreading the inevitable Jar Jar origin story.

 

Sci-Fi Film Review: Return of the Jedi (dir by Richard Marquand)


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As you’ve probably noticed, we’ve devoted this month to science fiction here at the Shattered Lens.  Gary Loggins reviewed THX-1138.  Valerie took a look at everything from The Star Wars Holiday Special to Turkish Star Wars to Return of the Ewok.  Ryan the Trashfilm Guru reviewed such Italian classics as Cosmos: War of Planets and War of the Robots.  Patrick Smith reviewed a terrifying Christmas movie about Santa. Myself, I’ve taken a look at such films as Contamination and 2019: After the Fall of New York.  

We’ve reviewed a lot of science fiction and we’ve got a lot more left to go.  (Keep an eye out for my reviews of Starcrash and The Humanoid over the upcoming few days.)  However, from the beginning, this month has always been centered around Star Wars.  You may have heard that there’s a little movie called Star Wars: The Force Awakens and it’s opening this week.  Apparently, a few people are excited about it.  Since we love reviewing little known art films here at the Shattered Lens, we decided why not review all of the previous Star Wars films during the week leading up to the release of The Force Awakens?  Jeff (a.k.a. the blogger known as Jedadiah Leland) started us off by reviewing The Phantom Menace.  Then Alexandre Rothier took a look at Attack of the Clones, followed by Jeff’s look at Revenge of the Sith.  Leonard Wilson was the next to step up to the plate, reviewing both A New Hope and The Empire Strike Back.

And now, it’s my turn to add my thoughts to this project.  It’s time to review the 1983 film, Return of the Jedi.  And I have to admit that, when I first thought about what I wanted to say in this review, I was totally intimidated.  Unlike my fellow writers here at the Shattered Lens, I’m hardly an expert when it comes to Star Wars.  Don’t get me wrong — I know the basics.  I know that Darth Vader is Luke’s father.  I know that Han Solo flies the Millennium Falcon and that Princess Leia is in love with him.  I know there’s an evil Empire and I know that there are rebels.  I’m not a virgin when it comes to Star Wars but, at the same time, I’m definitely not as experienced (with Star Wars) as most of my friends and fellow movie bloggers.

"Dang, Lisa, get over it!"

“Dang, Lisa, get over it!”

So, late this afternoon, when I sat down to watch Return of the Jedi, it was with more than a little trepidation.  My obvious panic and welling tears convinced Jeff to watch the movie with me and I was happy for that.  He loves Star Wars so I knew he could explain to me what was going on.

Finally, we watched Return of the Jedi and I discovered that I was panicking over nothing.  Return of the Jedi may be the third part of trilogy and I may not be an expert on the films that came before it.  But, even with all that in mind, Return of the Jedi is not a difficult film to figure out.  As opposed to the finales of Harry Potter, The Hobbit, and The Hunger Games, Return of the Jedi keeps things simple.  A good guy has been kidnapped by a bad guy.  The other good guys come to the rescue and then go to another planet so that they can fight an even bigger bad guy.  It’s not complicated.

As I watched Return of the Jedi and realized that I was having absolutely no problem following the film’s plot, I also realized that the Star Wars films are such a huge part of our culture that, regardless of how many of them we’ve actually sat through, everyone has absorbed them by osmosis.  Bits and pieces of it are everywhere, showing up in everything from TV sitcoms to political commentary.  (Remember how everyone used to compare Dick Cheney to Darth Vader?)  The Star Wars franchise is almost biblical in that respect.  At the same time, the fact that everyone knows about these movies makes them a little difficult to review.  You don’t so much watch a Star Wars film as you join in a universal experience.  As a reviewer, you definitely find yourself wondering what you can add to a conversation that everyone else has already had.

As a stand alone movie, Return of the Jedi is actually three separate films mixed together.  The first film deals with Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) showing up at Jabba the Hutt’s palace and rescuing Han Solo (Harrison Ford), Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher), Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew), and two robots from being tossed into a creature called the Sarlacc, which is basically a giant vagina out in the middle of the desert.  The second film deals with the rebels teaming up with a bunch of teddy bears and fighting the Empire on a jungle planet.  And the third film features Luke and Darth Vader (body of David Prowse, voice of James Earl Jones, face of either Sebastian Shaw and Hayden Christensen, depending on which version of the film you’re watching) dealing with their family issues while the Emperor (Ian McDiarmid) cackles in the background.  Some parts of the film work better than others.  The end result is entertaining but definitely uneven.

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Jedi‘s heart belongs to that third film, the one dealing with Luke and Darth Vader.  I’ve read some pretty negative online comments about Mark Hamill’s performance in New Hope and Empire Strikes Back but, in Return of the Jedi, he brings an almost haunted intensity to the role of Luke.  In theory, it’s easy to be snarky about all the talk about the “Dark Side of the Force,” but, when you look in Hamill’s eyes, you totally understand what everyone’s going on about.  You see the fire and the anger but, even more importantly, you see the struggle between good and evil.  There’s a very poignant sadness to the scenes where he and his father prepare to meet the Emperor.

And speaking of the Emperor, he is pure nightmare fuel!  AGCK!

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As for the other two films to found within Return of the Jedi, the jungles of Endor didn’t do much for me.  Don’t get me wrong.  I thought the action scenes were handled well and, unlike apparently everyone else in the world, I was not annoyed by the inclusion of the Ewoks, the killer teddy bears who helped to the Rebels to take down the Empire.  I thought the Ewoks were cute and I actually got pretty upset when one of them was killed in battle.  If I had been alive when Return of the Jedi had been released, I probably would have wanted a stuffed Ewok and, I imagine, that was the main reason they were included in the film.  (I also imagine that’s the main reason why a lot of people can’t stand them.)

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So, no, the Ewoks did not bother me.  What did bother me was that under-construction Death Star floating out in the middle of space.  It bothered me because I really couldn’t imagine any reason why — after the first Death Star was apparently such a colossal failure — the Empire would insist on trying to do the exact same thing all over again.  This, along with the fact that they were rather easily defeated by a bunch of teddy bears, leads me to wonder whether the effectiveness of the Empire was just a little overrated.  I mean, the Emperor was scary but otherwise, everyone involved with the Empire was pretty incompetent.

Far more impressive, as far as villains go, was Jabba the Hut.  In fact, Jabba and his decadent entourage were so memorable and colorful and evil and icky that they pretty much overshadowed almost everything else in the film.  I mean, Jabba even had a blue elephant playing music for him!  And I know that I’m supposed to be critical of the film for putting Leia in that gold bikini but you know what?  Leia may have been forced to wear a gold bikini but she never gave up her dignity or her defiance.  And when it came time to take out Jabba, Leia used the tools of her oppression to do so, strangling him with his own chains.  In that one scene, Leia proved herself to be a true rebel.

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There’s a lot that’s good about Return of the Jedi but, as I said earlier, it’s definitely an uneven film.  Richard Marquand’s direction is perhaps the epitome of workmanlike.  It’s efficient and it’s dependable and there’s absolutely nothing surprising or particularly challenging about it.

It’s interesting to note that, before Richard Marquand was selected as director, the job was offered to both David Lynch and David Cronenberg, two directors who are all about surprising and challenging the audience.  What would David Lynch’s Return of the Jedi been like?  Well, here’s one possibility:

As for David Cronenberg’s Return of the Jedi, it might have looked something like this:

For better or worse, the world got Richard Marquand’s Return of the Jedi, which I imagine was pretty close to what George Lucas wanted the film to be.

As I sit here finishing up this review and wondering just why exactly I was so intimidated earlier (seriously, this turned out to be one the easiest reviews that I’ve ever written), I estimate that 75% of the people that I know are currently sitting in a theater and watching The Force Awakens.  Keep an eye out for Arleigh’s review in the next few days!

And in closing, here’s that blue elephant that I mentioned earlier.  Dance!

Maxrebo

Sci-Fi Review: Ewoks: The Battle For Endor (1985, dir. Jim Wheat & Ken Wheat)


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So one year later we returned to Endor to see the continuing saga of Wicket (Warwick Davis) and the family from The Ewok Adventure. What were those words Burl Ives left us with at the end of The Ewok Adventure again?

“Reunited, the families enjoy the simple pleasures of being together. Having learned something they already knew. That courage, loyalty, and love are the strongest forces in the universe.”

Well, those forces are apparently not that strong because this movie opens up with Cindel’s (Aubree Miller) family getting murdered. That’s nice!

I love that apparently Kilink’s ultimate weapon from Kilink vs. The Flying Man made it all the way from Turkey to the moon of Endor.

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During all this killing we meet the two main villains of this movie.

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This guy (Carel Struycken) who looks like every generic bad guy from ever fantasy adventure movie ever made. He wants some sort of device from a spaceship that he thinks will make him powerful.

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And this lady (Siân Phillips) who looks like she belongs in He-Man and The Masters Of The Universe.

After getting captured, then escaping, Cindel and Wicket do battle with something I’m pretty sure I once hit a golf ball into when I used to play miniature golf.

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While trying to escape that dragon via a hang glider, they crash. Then they meet this guy who is quite annoying throughout this film.

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I guess they figured since Wicket now speaks English, they needed something else small that doesn’t. That thing takes them to a house in the woods, but soon the owner comes home.

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Yep, it’s Wilford Brimley. According to IMDb, he and the Wheats didn’t get along, so the production designer Joe Johnston directed all the scenes with Brimley. How did that work considering Brimley is in the majority of this film. Well, unfortunately Brimley did not bring Remo and Chiun with him. That would have made for a very short film.

A large chunk of this movie can now be described as Brimley talks to Cindel, the bad guys talk amongst themselves, and Brimley and crew decide to seek out the bad guys. Oh, and this happens.

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Unfortunately, Chewbacca from The Star Wars Holiday Special isn’t around to tell little Cindel that something about this doesn’t smell right. Of course she pulls a switcharoo and kidnaps the kid.

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Now we get the annoying little creature, Wicket, and Brimley walking. For some reason we bump into a rock and get this shot of it.

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Looks like a slot machine to me. They finally reach the evil castle, and after girl talk…

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Brimley and crew scale the wall of the castle. Meanwhile, stuff is happening inside. Remember that whole Han and Greedo thing. Who shot first and all that. We can stop arguing about that. It’s time to start arguing over which one of these guys shot first.

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There really isn’t much to talk about now because after they break the good guys (other Ewoks and Cindel) out of the castle, the rest of the film is a run and gun battle. At least this time Endor doesn’t scream Northern California like it did in The Ewok Adventure. Now shots like this just scream EBMUD watershed lands and Redwood Regional Park in the Oakland hills.

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Eventually it all comes down to a battle between Brimley and the bad guy.

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If you strike him down, he will become a more powerful spokesman for diabetes testing supplies then you can possibly imagine. But before that can happen, Wicket throws something that hits a thing on the bad guy’s chest and this happens to him.

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With that done, it’s time for goodbyes and Brimley and Cindel leave the moon of Endor.

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The question is whether this is any better than The Ewok Adventure. I would say no. Sure Wicket can talk, it feels more like we are on a foreign world, and there’s a lot more action to it, but that doesn’t make it better. The Ewok Adventure was a serviceable, but forgettable children’s sci-fi/fantasy adventure movie. This feels like they were contractually obligated to make a sequel so they threw together as generic a fantasy plot as possible and paid Brimley a few bucks to be in it. It’s super forgettable.

Now I just need to rewatch my childhood favorite Warwick Davis movie Willow (1988) and hope that The Force Awakens opens with Wicket pulling a Star Destroyer out of the sky using the force.

Sci-Fi Review: The Ewok Adventure (1984, dir. John Korty)


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Yes, the Ewoks were cute, fun, and Warwick Davis, but did we need two movies devoted just to them? I guess so. This movie is about two kids who are separated from their parents after their spaceship crashes in Northern California where a bunch of little people are cosplaying as Ewoks. Or they have crashed on the distant moon of Endor as our narrator Burl Ives tells us. I believe Burl Ives was an afterthought as he actually barely narrates this movie. It begins when we see the parents at the crash site looking for their kids. A giant shows up and takes them away.

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Then the opening credits start. I swear you could put these over the start of a Davy Crockett movie and they wouldn’t look out of place.

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Next we meet the Ewoks. Two of the kids went out hiking in Marin County and haven’t come back, so it’s time to go hang gliding to find them.

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After the kid Ewoks are saved, we get introduced to the human children.

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This is Cindel played by Aubree Miller who just had a mirror put in front of her and realized she’s wearing that unfortunate headband.

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This is Mace played by Eric Walker who is doing his best impersonation of David Packer in V (1983).

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It’s actually kind of tough to talk about this movie cause there’s little to it. So let’s hit the main points here. Such as that we finally know where the llama at the gas station in Godard’s Film Socialisme came from.

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It came from the North Bay Area Moon of Endor. This is the first of several times you’ll see Earthbound animals that apparently exist on Endor too.

A bunch of this now is the kids and the Ewoks feeling each other out such as how to communicate, can they be friends, and will the Ewoks help the kids to find their parents. Cindel isn’t feeling well so the Ewoks and Mace go out to find some special medicine. And by that I mean we can have a scene where Mace almost gets his arm chewed off by putting it in a tree with this.

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Now Cindel is just fine.

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The kids try to sneak away, but they should be careful out there, it looks like there’s a werewolf howling at the moon.

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Scratch that! It’s one of those Rodents Of Unusual Size that Wesley fought in the Fire Swamp.

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They find something on the creature that leads them to believe that their parents are still alive. Now it’s time to go out and hunt for them. But first we need to hand out special items to the members of the caravan that will go to search for the parents.

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Mace gets stuck with a rock. That’s no good. The rock arcs over anything you throw it at.

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How is Mace supposed to save his parents from Jason Voorhees? Now they head out and make me depressed that I can’t go hiking right now.

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Next Mace makes a rookie mistake that people who approach California ponds frequently make. He gets really close to the water when…

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suddenly he is erased from the frame leaving only his reflection in the water…

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before we cut to him trapped under the water like he’s under ice.

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It could have been worse. It could have been this pond just a few miles from my East Bay California home.

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After he’s rescued and some more travel, we get to the next plot point. Nukie flies by the tent.

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Actually, it’s a bunch of light that is collected and turns into Mace’s own personal little fairy.

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Time for more walking. They finally arrive at “The Dreaded Forbidden Fortress Of The Giant Thorax (???)”.

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Good thing Ives told us that because otherwise I thought they arrived at the poster for The Keep (1983). Now we find out what the rock from earlier was about. Turns out it’s hollow.

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Inside is an arrowhead that was clearly placed inside there by some Native Endorian Indians. The arrowhead flies toward and underneath a rock. The kid blows the rock away with his gun. Inside, Mace decides to leave Cindel behind for her own safety. Now the Ewoks mean business. This one puts on its Thor helmet just in case they run into Vincent D’Onofrio and don’t have the money they owe him.

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Now they reach a cavern, but unlike Indy, they have a web they can climb across.

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They fight a huge spider, which falls down the cavern, then magically pops up again before getting defeated.

Now we finally get a good look at the creature holding the kids’ parents.

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After a battle that takes the strength of all of them working together, they defeat the monster who also falls down the cavern, then is magically back at the top of it before ultimately being stopped.

They all make it out alive. Mace lets the fairy thing loose and Cindel gets her wings.

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This is when Burl Ives comes back to leave us with these parting words: “Reunited, the families enjoy the simple pleasures of being together. Having learned something they already knew. That courage, loyalty, and love are the strongest forces in the universe.”

And when those don’t work, just shoot lasers…

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and throw hatchets.

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This is a harmless little 80s children’s fantasy/sci-fi movie. The thing is there are better films of this sort from that same time period such as Labyrinth (1986), The Never Ending Story (1984), and Willow (1988). I’d say this is for Star Wars completionists only.