Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.23 “Vicki’s Dilemma/Discount Romance/Loser & Still Champ”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Vicki is accused of corrupting a passenger!

Episode 6.23 “Vicki’s Dilemma/Discount Romance/Loser & Still Champ”

(Dir by Jack Arnold, originally aired on March 5th, 1983)

Poor Vicki!  Finally, someone her own age — Mark Hammond (Glenn Scarpelli) — boards the boat and he turns out to be a speed freak!  In fact, he steals some amphetamines from Doc’s cabin.  (For some reason, Doc didn’t lock the medicine cabinet.  Y’know, people get fired for stuff like that….)  When the speeding Mark collapses on deck, Vicki is the first to help him.  And how does Mark thank her?  By slipping the stolen pills into Vicki’s pocket!

Mark’s mom (Elinor Donahue) accuses Vicki of getting her son hooked on speed.  Luckily, Mark has an attack of conscience and admits the truth.  (“I was going to let you take the fall but….” Mark says.)  Vicki and the Captain are surprisingly forgiving of Mark and his mom.  If I was in Vicki’s shoes, I can’t say I’d be quite so gracious about it.  Then again, I’ve been taking speed for ADD for most of my life so I would at least have an excuse for having the medicine.

Meanwhile, Gopher’s uncle (Red Buttons) boards the boat and starts selling watches out of his cabin.  He’s such a good salesman that he almost puts the boat’s gift shop out of business!  The owner of the gift shop is played by June Allyson and she’s not amused.  She and Red Button still end up falling in love though.

(I thought Juliet Mills was in charge of the gift shop.  When did June Allyson arrive?)

Finally, passenger Tom Joseph (Patrick Wayne) feels threatened because he’s got a crush on another passenger (Ann Turkel) who is a tennis star and much more athletic to him.  Every Love Boat has at least one boring story and this week, it was Tom’s story.

This was an okay episode.  Red Buttons and June Allyson were a cute old couple.  I appreciated the Vicki storyline, if just because it was one of the few times that I’ve seen this show acknowledge that Vicki really doesn’t get to spend much time with people her own age.  Captain Stubing confessed to worrying about whether or not life at sea was fair to Vicki and Gavin MacLeod delivered the lines with such sincerity that, for a few brief moments, The Love Boat became a serious drama.

This was a good cruise.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 3.3 “Rave On”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, the bike cops go undercover and essentially end up looking like a bunch of cops working undercover.

Episode 3.3 “Rave On”

(Dir by Michael Levine, originally aired on August 17, 1997)

The bike cops go undercover!

If that’s not funny enough, they go undercover as ravers.

I swear, you haven’t really laughed until you’ve laughed at the sight of the extremely stiff stars of Pacific Blue hanging out at a rave and giving each other secret signals whenever they spot anyone doing drugs.  Chris’s drink gets roofied and, as someone who has experienced that in real life, I appreciated that the show was trying to warn its viewers about leaving their drinks unattended.  Seriously, if my friends hadn’t been looking out for me that night, it scares me to think about what probably would have happened.  Still, good intentions can’t disguise just how unconvincing Darlene Vogel’s performance was.

Palermo spends this entire episode saying that the parents of teens who go to raves and take drugs should be prosecuted and jailed.  Then Palermo discovers that his sixteen year-old daughter (Johna Stewart-Boden) has been attending raves and, while she hasn’t intentionally taken any drugs, she’s stood by while her friends have.  Palermo does not arrest himself.  He does not throw himself in jail.  He does not look in the mirror and smirk and say, “Oh yeah, buddy, your parent-of-the-year.”  In other words, Lt. Palermo is a big, freaking hypocrite.

The bike cops break up the rave scene but the music will never die.

Horror On TV: The Paul Lynde Halloween Special (dir by Sid Smith)


Tonight, from 1976, we have The Paul Lynde Halloween Special.  

In this special, actor and comedian Paul Lynde celebrates Halloween with Betty White, KISS, Donny and Marie Osmond, Florence Henderson, Billy Barty, Margaret Hamilton (the original Wicked Witch of the West), and I’m going to guess a mountain of cocaine that was probably sitting backstage.

This special is definitely a product of a very certain era in America’s cultural history.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.15 “Dark Secret/The Outrageous Mr. Smith”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  The show is once again on Tubi!

“Smiles, everyone, smiles!”

Episode 7.15 “Dark Secret/The Outrageous Mr. Smith”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on March 3rd, 1984)

Eh.  I didn’t like this episode.  Sorry, Mr. Roarke, no smiles today.

Robert Smith (Engelbert Humperdinck) wants to be a singing star but he suffers from stage fright.  He’s created a smarmy alter ego who doesn’t have stage fright but he wants to be able to perform on his own, without having to retreat into a fantasy world.  His alter ego responds by coming to life and sleeping with Robert’s wife (Elaine Joyce).  Personally, if I was the writer of this episode, I would have just ended the story right there but it turns out that Robert’s alter ego only exists in his mind.  His wife walks in on Robert yelling at himself and is overjoyed to discover that Robert has finally found the confidence to perform on stage.

Just typing all of that made my head hurt.

Meanwhile, Amy Marshall (Markie Post) is married to Christopher (Larry Wilcox) but their marriage is troubles because Amy has never told Christopher that she was raped just a few days before the wedding.  She never reported the rape to the police and she’s never dealt with the trauma that she still carries with her.  This is a very sensitive subject so, of course, Fantasy Island screws it up by suggesting that Amy is somehow to blame for all of the trouble in the marriage because she didn’t tell Christopher about what happened.  Amy worries that Christopher will leave her if he finds out.  Christopher does find out and he gets mad at her for not telling him and threatens to leave, not only proving Amy’s point but also suggesting, to me, that their marriage isn’t really worth saving.  Amy deserves someone better than a guy whose response to hearing that his wife got raped is to get mad at her.  Then Amy’s rapist (Michael Callan) shows up on the island and attacks her again.  Amy fights back and is on the verge of stabbing the bastard to death when Mr. Roarke shows up and removes the knife from her hand and instead has the Fantasy Island police take the guy away.  Christopher and Amy leave the Island, their marriage stronger than ever.

Meanwhile, I had to stop myself from throwing something at the television.  First off, the story suggests that somehow Amy is to blame for not telling Christopher about what happened but Christopher’s reaction showed exactly why she didn’t tell him and it also showed that Amy’s best option would have been to get a divorce.  Then the show suggests that the best way to give Amy her fantasy of finding freedom from her trauma was to have the rapist nearly rape her again!  Mr. Roarke, at one point, states that Amy’s safety is his number one concern and that he has his entire police force looking for the rapist.  But Roarke has already been established as having God-like powers so if Roarke wanted to find the guy before he attacked Amy, he certainly could have.

As well, what is the deal with all of these criminals and assorted lowlifes making it to the Island in the first place?  Mr. Roarke often brags about running a background check on everyone who comes to the Island, which again suggests that no one comes to Fantasy Island unless Roarke wants them there.  So, why are there so many terrible people on the Island?

This episode …. ugh.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 4.18 “The Hawk and the Hunter”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, we finally meet Barizca’s family.

Episode 4.18 “The Hawk and the Hunter”

(Dir by Leslie H. Martinson, originally aired on April 5th, 1981)

In this episode, we learn a little bit more about Officer Barizca.  Played by Brodie Greer, Barizca has been an important member of the ensemble since the first season but, up until this point, we really haven’t learned much about his life outside of driving a patrol car and directing traffic at crash sites.

It turns out that Barizca’s father, Pete (Sandy McPeak), is a crop duster.  When it becomes clear that Pete is getting too old to fly his airplane, Barizca takes a leave of absence from the Highway Patrol so that he can help out.  Hopefully, Barizca will find the courage to finally tell his father that it’s time to retire.

Meanwhile, there’s an environmentalist nutjob named Lyle (Dwight Schultz) who is convinced that the Barizcas are spreading poison with their airplane.  Lyle has been sending threats to Pete so, eventually Barizca flies over Lyle and covers him in pesticide to help the Highway Patrol arrest him.  So, I guess Lyle really is going to die now.

At the end of the episode, Pete retires and Barizca returns to patrolling the highways.

This was an okay episode, in that the scenery was nice and I did appreciate that the show made an effort to focus on something other than Ponch being the best at everything.  Dwight Shultz was believably unhinged as Lyle and there was an interesting tension between him and Baker as both of them were Vietnam vets.  Unfortunately, the Barizcas themselves just weren’t that interesting.  This episode was a case of “You’ve seen one strained father-son relationship, you’ve seen them all.”

That said, I hope next week’s episode will introduce us to Grossman’s family.

Horror On TV: Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy in The Pumpkin That Wouldn’t Smile (dir by Chuck Jones)


Awwww, that poor pumpkin!  Well, hopefully, he’s smiling now!

This animated special originally aired on Halloween night in 1979.  I would imagine that the crying pumpkin probably traumatized children across America.  Hopefully, all the kids were out trick or treating when this aired.  Myself, I remember that when I was a kid, I would help my mom carve a pumpkin every year.  And then I would get so depressed when we later had to throw it out.  Seriously, I would get really attached to those jack o’lanterns.

Anyway, this cartoon is before my time but I have a feeling that, if I had been around to watch it, I would have been depressed for a whole year afterwards.

Enjoy!

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 5.3 “Heart of Night”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, Castillo gets an adventure of his own.

Episode 5.3 “Heart of Night”

(Dir by Paul Krasny, originally aired on November 18th, 1988)

This is season 5’s Castillo episode.

Castillo got to be at the center of one episode per season.  Usually, it involved someone from his past resurfacing and Castillo having to go full samurai (or ninja, as the case may be) to protect them.  That’s certainly the case here, in which Castillo’s ex-wife (Rosalind Chao, replacing Joan Chen) approaches Castillo because she and her husband (James Saito) are being targeted by Rivas (Bob Gunton), an Ecuadorian drug dealer who — *sigh* — has connections to the CIA.

This episode wasn’t really bad.  It just felt awfully familiar.  Even Edward James Olmos, who usually shined whenever he got a solo adventure, seems kind of bored in this episode.  At this point in the series, there was really nothing surprising about the revelation that a South American drug lord was working with the CIA.  Just about every drug lord on the show was portrayed as working for the CIA.  It’s also not a surprise when Castillo’s ex’s new husband turns out to be corrupt.  The episode ends with Castillo watching as the women he still loves walk away from him and, again, been there done that.  Almost this entire episode felt like Miami Vice on autopilot.

Crockett appeared for about two minutes in this episode.  He has his memory back and he’s working for the Vice Squad again.  Castillo points out that Crockett is still being investigated for numerous murders and he suggests that Crockett take some time off.  Crockett reluctantly agrees.  Shouldn’t Crockett be in prison right now?  The man was the biggest drug lord in Miami.  He killed a cop (albeit in self-defense).  I’m surprised he would be allowed back into the Vice Squad with all that hanging over him.  If not sitting in jail, Crockett should at least be under suspension.

It’s just another weird day in Miami.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi: The Next Generation 1.10 “Rumors and Relationships”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi: The Next Generation, which aired from 2001 to 2015!  The series can be streamed on YouTube and Tubi.

This week, Emma tries to destroy someone’s life.

Episode 1.10 “Rumors and Relationships”

(Dir by Paul Fox, originally aired on May 20th, 2002)

This episode features Spinner at his best and Emma at her worst.

Let’s get Emma out of the way first.  When Emma happens to see Liberty and Coach Armstrong alone in a classroom together, she assumes that Armstrong is hitting on Liberty.  She tells Manny about her suspicions.  Terri overhears and tells Sean.  Sean tells Spinner.  Spinner tells Jimmy.  Jimmy tells Paige.  Paige tells Hazel (Andrea Lewis).  Hazel tells Ashley.  Ashley tells Liberty.  Liberty gets upset.  When Emma sees Liberty crying, Emma ask Liberty about her and Armstrong.  Liberty swears on her life that Armstrong was not hitting on her.  Emma wonders how the rumor got started–

Uhmm, Emma …. YOU STARTED IT!

Emma promises Liberty that she will work her backwards to find the person who started the rumor–

IT WAS YOU, EMMA!  YOU STARTED THE RUMOR!

Because Emma is apparently incapable of remember what she said earlier in the day, she goes from Ashley to Hazel to Page to Spinner (she skips Jimmy) to Sean and eventually she confronts Terri.  Emma says that the rumor is all over the school and it’s all Terri’s fault.

Terri, quite sensibly, points out that Emma is the one who started the rumor.

Now, in her defense, Emma does feel bad about starting the rumor.  When Mr. Raditch calls Coach Armstrong out into the hall to tell him about the rumors, Emma walks up and confesses that it’s her fault.  But one thing Emma doesn’t do is really apologize.  In fact, when she later talks to Liberty, she instead acts as if it is somehow Liberty’s fault for not telling Emma why she was in a classroom alone with Armstrong in the first place.  Liberty finally admits that she had dyscalculia (which is dyslexia but with numbers) and that Armstrong — THE MATH TEACHER — has been tutoring her and helping her not to feel bad about it.  Emma again asks why Liberty just didn’t tell her that to begin with.

Hey, Emma — maybe Liberty didn’t tell you because IT’S NONE OF YOUR FREAKING BUSINESS!

The episode ends with Liberty telling Emma that, when it comes to helping people, Emma sucks.  And Liberty certainly has a point.

Meanwhile, in the cafeteria, Spinner discovers a bug in his food.  “Boycott the caf!” he yells, “it has earwigs!”  Unfortunately, no one believes Spinner.  So, the next day, Spinner collects a bunch of bugs and takes them into the cafeteria.  He thinks that if someone else sees a bug and reports it, they will be believed and someone will call an exterminator.  Of course, the only thing that anyone sees is Spiner carrying a tub of bugs.  The bugs get free and Spinner is sentenced to work in the cafeteria until he’s paid off the $300 that it’s going to cost the school to have the cafeteria exterminated.

“But it needed to be exterminated anyways!” Spinner says.

This was classic Spinner.  Even when he cares about Degrassi, no one listens.  It’s a little bit gross that he was carrying around a tub of living bugs but his heart was in the right place.

Spinner’s the best!

Horror On TV: The Great Bear Scare (dir by Hal Mason)


I came across this old cartoon on YouTube.  Apparently, it aired in October of 1983.

It’s about bears living in Bearbank.  Halloween is approaching and they’re worried about getting invaded by the monsters who live on Monster Mountain.  Well, that makes sense.  My question is why would you buy a house near a location called Monster Mountain?  And really, shouldn’t the monsters be in the houses and the bears in the mountains?  This cartoon is weird.

Anyway, the bears are getting ready to feel the city but little Ted E. Bear sets out to confront his fears!  Woo hoo!

I don’t know.  It’s from 1983.  That was a strange year, I guess.

Enjoy!

Retro Television Review: Law and Order 6.13 “Charm City” and Homicide 4.11 “For God And Country”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing Homicide: Life On The Street, which aired from 1993 to 1999, on NBC!  It  can be viewed on Peacock.

This week, Homicide crosses over with Law & Order.

Law & Order 6.13 “Charm City”

(Dir by Ed Sherin, originally aired on February 7th, 1996)

Homicide 4.11 “For God and Country”

(Dir by Ed Sherin, originally aired on February 9th, 1996)

This week, we have a two-part cross-over between Law & Order and Homicide.

On Law & Order, things start in New York City.  A chemical attack on a subway train leaves 20 people dead.  Because the train was specifically heading into Harlem and all of the victims were black, it is suspected that the attack was racially motivated.  In Baltimore, Frank Pembleton and Tim Bayliss hear about the attack and are reminded of a similar attack on a black church, which occurred five years prior.  Pembleton was the primary on the church attack.  He and Bayliss head to New York City, where they meet and quickly get on the nerves of Detectives Lennie Briscoe (Jerry Orbach) and Rey Curtis (Benjamin Bratt).

Pembleton’s investigation uncovers that a man from Baltimore, Brian Egan (Kevin Geer), not only had access to the chemicals used in both attacks but also that’s he currently in New York.  When Briscoe and Curtis arrest Egan and fail to get him to confess, Pembleton asks for permission to interrogate him.  Pembleton, being Pembleton, rather easily gets Egan to confess to having committed the church bombing.  However, before getting the confession, Pembleton pretends not to hear Egan say that he no longer wants to continue talking.  In typical Law & Order (if not Homicide) fashion, the confession is tossed out.

Jack McCoy (Sam Waterston) and Claire Kincaid (Jill Hennessy) still get their conviction.  (And Claire gets an admirer in the form of Tim Bayliss.)  However, it’s obvious that Egan was not working alone.  Egan says that he will never name names.

That changes when his wife is murdered and his teenage son goes missing.  Homicide opens with Bayliss investigating the poisoning of Egan’s wife.  He and Pembleton eventually track down Egan’s son and they get him to admit that he saw his uncle, former NSA agent Col. Alexander Rausch (J.K. Simmons), murder his mother.  Because Brian Egan has said that he’ll only reveal the truth of the conspiracy if his son is brought to New York, Briscoe and Curtis show up in Baltimore.

While Curtis, Bayliss, and Pembleton track down Colonel Rausch, Briscoe hangs out with Munch.  Their friendly banter goes south as soon as Briscoe mentions that he once knew a Gwen Munch in New York.  Gwen is John Munch’s ex-wife and John is not happy when he finds out that Briscoe slept with Gwen.  John Munch spends the rest of the episode drinking heavily.  Stanley Bolander would not approve.

As for Col. Rausch, he is captured and he turns out to be a smug snake.  (He’s played by J.K. Simmons, after all.)  Pembleton wants to see Rausch prosecuted for the church bombing and he especially wants to see racist Rausch publicly humiliated.  New York, however, wants to prosecute him for the subway attack.  Claire comes down to Baltimore and gets a judge to agree that Rausch should first be sent to New York.

Rausch doesn’t care.  He has a heart condition so he simply stops taking his heart pills and then drops dead while waiting for the train to take him to the Big Apple.  The episodes ends with Pembleton sobbing as he realizes Rausch will never be humiliated at a trial.  The New York cops shrug and say, “Sorry, Frank.”

I enjoyed this crossover quite a bit.  It was interesting to see two police dramas, each with a very different style, come together to tell one big story.  As Homicide always celebrated the lengths that Pembleton would go to get a confession in the Box, it was amusing to see what would actually happen to one of those confessions if it was brought to court.  Jack McCoy is not at all amused by Pembleton’s tactics.  Meanwhile, Briscoe, Curtis, and Claire was allowed to loosen up a bit when they went to Homicide and I enjoyed watching them shed their “just-the-facts” personas.  If the Law & Order episode was ultimately superior to the the Homicide episode, that’s just because the Law & Order episode featured an actual mystery to be solved whereas the Homicide episode occasionally felt as if it was padded out a bit.  On Homicide, it was obvious that Colonel Rausch was guilty and, from the minute he started to cough during the interrogation, it was easy to guess what his ultimate fate would be.

(I also have to say that it was interesting to compare this episode of Law & Order to watch Law & Order has become today.  How this show went from featuring McCoy confidently doing his job to Nolan Price essentially begging his co-counsel, on a weekly basis, to actually do her job is something that is worth considering.)

Overall, this was a good crossover.  For those who want to watch it, the Law & Order episode is available on Hulu and Disney+ while Homicide can be found on Peacock and Tubi.