Getting In The Holiday Spirit #5: Santa In Animal Land

Posted on December 23, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Personally, I would think that seeing Vincent Price telling the story of Scrooge would get anyone into the holiday spirit! But, just in case you need more incentive to be merry and bright, check out Santa in Animal Land!

Santa in Animal Land was made in 1948 and … well, you just have to watch it. This 9-minute short film deals with a bunch of creepy (but kinda cute) animal puppets who are angry to discover that Santa does not bring toys to either animals or puppets!

So, they send Kitty Kat out to track down Santa and get to the bottom of things…

Enjoy the creepy cuteness of Santa in Animal Land!

(And again, thank you to Xmas Flix for introducing me to so many interesting Christmas films!)

Sci-Fi Film Review: The Humanoid (dir by Aldo Lado)

Posted on December 23, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

When all the editors of the site got together at the TSL offices and discussed who would review what during our sci-fi month, there were two films that I immediately claimed for myself. One was Luigi Cozzi’s Starcrash, which is one of the best-known and most popular of all the Italian Star Wars rip-offs. The other was The Humanoid, which is considerably less known.

What is The Humanoid? It’s an Italian film from 1979 that was designed to capitalize on the popularity of both Star Wars and James Bond. While the plot was largely ripped off from Star Wars (with a dash of The Golem tossed in for good measure), the film’s cast featured three performers best known for their roles in two then-recent James Bond films. The Spy Who Loved Me’s Barbara Bach played the evil Lady Agatha. Moonraker‘s Corinne Clery played heroic scientist Barbara Gibson. Finally, the title character — the Humanoid — was played by none other than Richard Kiel, who previously played evil henchman Jaws in both of those films.

The main reason that I wanted to see it was because the film was directed by Aldo Lado. Aldo Lado may not be as well-known as Mario Bava, Dario Argento, Lucio Fulci, and Ruggero Deodato but he still directed some very memorable films. Short Night of Glass Dolls, Who Saw Her Die?, and The Night Train Murders are all classics of their genre, combining shocking violence with Marxist political subtext. What, I wondered, would an Aldo Lado-directed Star Wars rip-off be like? Fortunately, The Humanoid has been uploaded to YouTube and I was able to find out.

The answer, to that question, is that the Aldo Lado-directed Star Wars rip-off isn’t very good. But it’s so strange that it’s never less than watchable.

Allow me to attempt to explain the film’s plot. If things get confusing … well, it can’t be helped. That’s just the way this film works. The Humanoid opens in outer space, with a lengthy opening title crawl that informs us that evil Lord Graal has escaped from prison and is planning on attacking the planet Metropolis (yes, the planet is named Metropolis) and overthrowing his brother, the benevolent ruler known as Great Brother. As the title crawl disappears into space, the camera pans over to a giant spaceship and basically, it’s the exact same shot that opened Star Wars. You have to admire a film that, in less than a minute, can rip-off Star Wars, Superman, and George Orwell.

Anyway, it turns out that Lord Graal is a tall and imposing figure who dresses in black armor, a black cape, and a black helmet. (Sound familiar?) He’s played by Ivan Rassimov, who played a lot of villains in a lot of Italian exploitation films. Sadly, he never takes off that helmet so we never get to see the truly impressive head of hair that was almost always a highlight of every Rassimov performance.

Graal’s main ally is Lady Agatha (Barbara Bach), who is actually several centuries old but she remains young by daily injections of a serum that is made up on virgin blood. (The Bathory Method, in other words.) Lady Agatha is really evil but she does have really great hair and she gets to wear this V-neck dress that is simply to die for and provides an interesting contrast to the amazingly boring white jumpsuits that all of the good people seem to be wearing.

The youth serum was developed by a mad scientist named Dr. Kraspin (played by five-time Oscar nominee Arthur Kennedy). And Dr. Kraspin is good for more than just youth serums! He’s also developed a method of mind control, a way to turn humans into … humanoids!

(“Come quickly!” Dr. Kraspin cries, at one point, “I am creating my first humanoid!”)

Dr. Kraspin tests his method out on interstellar police officer, Golob (Richard Kiel). Good Golob has a beard and mustache and spends most of his time talking to his pet robot, Robodog. (“This is my robot dog!” Golob enthusiastically says at one point.) However, when Golob gets hit by Kraspin’s Humanoid Ray, the beard and the mustache vanish and Golob just growls. Much as in The Golem, Kraspin places a device on Golob’s forehead which allows him to control Golob’s actions.

Good Golob

Bad Golob

Meanwhile, Kraspin also has a grudge against Dr. Barbara Gibson (Corrine Clery) and sends Golob to destroy her. However, Barbara is hiding out with enigmatic child genius Tom Tom (Marco Yeh) and the Han Soloish Nick (Leonard Mann). And, fortunately for all of them, Tom Tom has the power to make crossbow-wielding angels descend from the heavens…

One of the things that makes The Humanoid an interesting viewing experience is that it’s essentially a kid’s film that was made for an exploitation audience. Hence, scenes featuring cute Robodog and precocious Tom Tom are mixed in with scenes of brutal violence and a naked virgin being drained of her blood so that Agatha can remain young. It makes for a notably odd viewing experience.

But that’s appropriate because The Humanoid is one weird movie. Much as he did with Night Train Murders (which was “inspired” by Wes Craven’s Last House On the Left), Aldo Lado doesn’t allow The Humanoid‘s rip-off status to prevent him from tossing almost everything you could imagine into The Humanoid. Full of melodrama, bad special effects, over-the-top performances, and way too much plot for a 90 minute movie, The Humanoid is one of those movies that simply has to be seen to believed. It’s utterly ludicrous and, as a result, oddly likable. It may not be good but it’s never less than watchable.

Golob and RoboDog

Getting in The Holiday Spirit #4: A Christmas Carol, hosted by Vincent Price!

Posted on December 22, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For tonight’s vintage Christmas film, allow me to present a 1949 television special. This adaptation of A Christmas Carol is unique for being hosted by none other than Vincent Price!

Enjoy!

Cleaning Out The DVR: Turkey Hollow (dir by Kirk Thatcher)

Posted on December 22, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Turkey Hollow was the final Lifetime film on my DVR. I watched it when it originally premiered on November 21st and I was actually surprised to discover that I enjoyed it. I’m not sure why it take me so long to get around to writing a review. It probably had something to do with the holidays…

And speaking of holidays, Turkey Hollow is a Thanksgiving film! There’s a surprising lack of Thanksgiving films. There’s a countless number of horror-themed Halloween films and there are millions of Christmas movies but, with the exception of Turkey Hollow and that slasher film that Eli Roth said he might make some day, Thanksgiving has always been curiously underrepresented. So, let’s start this review by thanking the makers of Turkey Hollow for paying some respect to Thanksgiving…

As for the film itself, it takes place in a town called Turkey Hollow. The economy of Turkey Hollow is entirely built around raising turkeys to be killed for Thanksgiving. The most powerful man in town is evil old Eldridge Sump (Linden Banks), who pumps his turkeys full of dangerous drugs and chemicals.

One of the few people willing to stand up to Eldridge is a hippie vegan named Cly (Mary Steenburgen). As the film begins, Cly is being visited by brother (Joey Harrington) and his two children. At first, Annie (Genevieve Buechner) and her younger brother, Tim (Graham Verchere) struggle to get used to life Aunt Cly’s house. Not only does Cly not eat meat but she doesn’t have wi-fi either! Seriously, it’s crazy…

Tim becomes fascinated by the legend of the Hoodoo, a creature that is said to live in the wilderness around Turkey Hollow. One day, while at searching for it, he accidentally releases all of Eldridge’s turkeys. Now, under the bizarre bylaws of Turkey Hollow, Clay will automatically lose her property unless she comes up with $10,000.

However, Tim and Annie have a plan! They’re going to track down the Hoodoo, take a picture, and sell it to a tabloid. However, while out searching, they don’t come across the Hoodoo. Instead, they discover four other bizarre creatures.

The monsters — which were created by the same people who created the Muppets — are obviously Turkey Hollow‘s main attraction. They were also the main reason why I felt some trepidation about watching the film. From the commercials, they looked like they might be a little bit too cutesy. I was terrified that they would spend the entire movie breaking out into song. But, when I watched the movie, the creatures actually turned out to be so ugly that they were adorable. They were cute but they were never cutesy and I appreciated that.

Anyway, Turkey Hollow turned out to be a lot better than I thought it would. It’s a film for kids but, at the same time, there’s a few jokes for the adults (mostly dealing with Cly’s use of marijuana) and, in the role of narrator, Ludacris is often quick to point out the film’s more … well, ludicrous moments. At its best, his narration is reminiscent of Aubrey Plaza’s voice over as Grumpy Cat in Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever.

We definitely need more Thanksgiving movies and Turkey Hollow is a good enough start.

Sci-Fi Film Review: When the Sky Falls (dir by John L’Ecuyer)

Posted on December 22, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I guess it’s open to debate as to whether or not When The Sky Falls is truly a science fiction movie. It deals with a huge storm that basically produces extremely powerful lightning and the lightning occasionally appears to have a mind of its own. I have no idea if there’s any scientific basis for this. I don’t really understand how lightning works, other than the fact that you don’t want to stand under a tree in a lightning storm and you definitely do not want to get struck.

But, regardless of whether the film is scientifically accurate or not, I still feel like this should be considered a science fiction movie. First off, there’s the fact that the lightning itself often does seem to be intentionally targeting the film’s heroes. Though the film never specifically states this as fact, it does seem as if the lightning has developed enough of a personality to hold a grudge against those attempting to escape it. Secondly, the film’s main character is an ozone researcher and that just seems like an appropriate job for a character in a science fiction film. And finally, despite the fact that it premiered on the Lifetime Movie Network, the entire film feels like it belongs on the SyFy network.

Seriously, everything about this film — from the acting to the cheap but crudely effective special effects to the environmentalist protagonist — feels reminiscent of a pre-Sharknado SyFy film. (It’s easy to forget that, before Sharknado, SyFy films pretended to take themselves seriously.) The plot even follows the standard SyFy formula — a dysfunctional family spends the weekend at a cabin in the woods and end up getting separated once the big lightning storm strikes. They start out arguing and they end up depending on each other for survival. And, perhaps most importantly of all, Dad gets to prove that he’s not as lame as everyone thinks. If Lifetime films all build up to that moment when everyone realizes that mom was correct, SyFy films often celebrate the uncool but capable father figure.

Perhaps the most interesting thing about When The Sky Falls is that it was even on Lifetime Movie Network to begin with. Compared to more traditional LMN films — like Confessions of a Go-Go Girl and The Perfect Teacher — When The Sky Falls feels a bit out-of-place. Perhaps next year, SyFy will return the favor and produce a sequel to Back To School Mom.

But anyway, what about the film itself? In no way can it compare to either SyFy or Lifetime at its best. The script is predictable, the actors struggle with some seriously undeveloped characters, and the film never finds a steady pace. Some parts of the film seem way too slow while others seem to be oddly rushed. On the plus side, when taken on their own terms, some of the lightning effects are kind of fun and the film was shot in Canada so, at the very least, you get to see some really pretty scenery.

Seriously, I love Canada!

Love you, Canada!

Cleaning Out The DVR: Wish Upon A Christmas (dir by Terry Ingram)

Posted on December 22, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After finishing up with A Gift-Wrapped Christmas, it was time to move onto the final Lifetime Christmas film on my DVR, Wish Upon A Christmas. Wish Upon A Christmas premiered on December 13th and, much like Becoming Santa, The Flight Before Christmas, and Last Chance For Christmas, it features Santa as a matchmaker.

Well, maybe it does. Though he has the beard and the jolly attitude, the film is somewhat ambiguous as to whether or not Mr. Tomte (Kevin McNulty) is actually Santa Claus or not. The facts certainly suggests that he may be. Before Mr. Tomte shows up in town, Danny (Dylan Kingwell) does make a wish that Santa could bring his single father, Jesse (Aaron Ashmore), a girlfriend. And then, one night, a bright light flashes in the sky and there’s an explosion in the distance as something crashes to the ground. Was it a meteorite or was it Santa’s sleigh? Who can say? But Danny does come across a silver bauble that Mr. Tomte is somewhat desperately searching for. Is it just a family heirloom and or is it, as Danny suspects, filled with the magic that allows Mr. Tomte to fly his sleigh?

Meanwhile, Jesse is the much beloved owner of a company that makes hand-crafted ornaments. He inherited the business from his parents and Jesse is a big believer in tradition. Despite the fact that it’s cutting into profits, he insists that every ornament be hand-made and that his workers take their time to make each one perfect. His workers are so happy that they even hum Christmas carols while they’re working.

Unfortunately, the big mean corporate world does not understand what makes Jesse’s business so special. They send efficiency expert Amelia (Larisa Oleynik) to inspect the company and make some recommendations. Much like George Clooney in Up In the Air, Amelia makes her living by firing people and convincing them that it’s for their own good. However, as soon as Amelia arrives in town, she finds it difficult to do her job. For one thing, she grew up in the town and she’s always had a crush on Jesse. Secondly, it turns out that she’s not as cold-hearted as she believes.

So, will Amelia fire everyone at the factory? Or will Danny’s wish come true?

Well, you already know the answer. This is a Lifetime Christmas movie and there’s nothing really surprising about it. However — and yes, I do realize that this has become a reoccurring theme when it comes to my Lifetime Christmas movie reviews — Wish Upon A Christmas is such a sweet and good-intentioned film that it would really be silly to be overly critical of it. You know what you’re getting when you watch a Christmas movie on Lifetime and Wish Upon A Christmas delivers.

Add to that, Kevin McNulty makes for a very likable Santa. Next year, he should co-star in a movie with The Flight Before Christmas‘s Brian Doyle-Murray in which they play the competing Santa brothers. It’ll be fun!

Cleaning Out The DVR: A Gift-Wrapped Christmas (dir by Lee Friedlander)

Posted on December 22, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After watching Last Chance For Christmas, it was time to continue to clean out my DVR by watching A Gift-Wrapped Christmas. Directed by Lee Friedlander (who did such a great job with Babysitter’s Black Book), A Gift-Wrapped Christmas was actually the first Christmas film to air on Lifetime this year. It premiered on November 28th.

A Gift-Wrapped Christmas tells the story of Gwen (Meredith Hagner), who I immediately envied because not only does she have a great attitude towards life but she has a really kickass job as well. She’s a personal shopper, which means that she gets paid to do something that I do for free. In fact, she might be the greatest personal shopper of all time. All she has to do is take one look at a client and she immediately knows what is needed. She currently lives with her older sister (Beverly Mitchell) and her husband and she’s single. She’s also almost always cheerful, without being annoying about it. I wish I could pull that off.

One day, her agency tells her that she has a new client. His name is Charlie Baker. Oh my God! I thought, the Governor of Massachusetts!? Seriously, who wouldn’t want that job!? However, it turns out that it’s a different Charlie Baker. This Charlie Baker (played by Travis Milne) is a business executive who sucks at giving gifts and thinks a black suit is appropriate for every occasion. Charlie is also a widower, raising his precocious son, Owen (Anthony Bolognese) on his own. Charlie does have a girlfriend but it’s obvious to everyone (but him) that Victoria (Anna Van Hooft) is cold and manipulative and is more in love with money than with Charlie.

So, Gwen takes one look at Charlie and his boring office and his boring gifts and she says, “Nope, this is all going to change.” At first, Charlie is resistant and even refuses to consider wearing a purple suit. But Gwen refuses to give up. She continues to buy stuff that encourages him to broaden his worldview. Charlie starts to loosen up and act like a real human being.

And don’t think that Victoria hasn’t noticed and isn’t thinking, “No way I’m going to lose my man to a personal shopper!”

When I first watched A Gift-Wrapped Christmas, I tweeted some pretty snarky things about it but I think I may have been a bit too upset over the prospect of not getting to see any Lifetime melodramas for a month and, as a result, I was a bit too quick to judge A Gift-Wrapped Christmas. On a second viewing, I discovered that the film had a lot more charm than I initially thought. At the very least, Meredith Hagner and Travis Milne are both adorable and how can you not love a movie where the secret to happiness is shopping?

A Gift-Wrapped Christmas is an almost stereotypical Lifetime Christmas movie but, thanks to the chemistry between Meredith Hagner and Travis Milne, it’s still an enjoyable dose of holiday cheer.

Cleaning Out The DVR: Last Chance For Christmas (dir by Gary Yates)

Posted on December 22, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I watched The Christmas Gift, I continued to clean out the DVR by watching Last Chance For Christmas. Last Chance for Christmas originally aired on Lifetime on December 6th and it took me a second viewing to realize that, as far as Lifetime holiday movies are concerned, Last Chance For Christmas was actually pretty good.

Annie (Hilarie Burton) lives in a small town in Alaska, along with her daughter Madison (Lola Flanery). Annie owns a reindeer farm, which is her inheritance from her father. The bank is eager to foreclose on her and take the farm away from her. It’s all because Mr. Buckley (who is somewhat inevitably played by Tim Matheson) wants to build a ski resort on her property.

Desperate but still defiant (which is why I liked her), Annie is understandably paranoid when John (Gabriel Hogan) suddenly shows up on her doorstep and says that he needs to borrow one of her reindeer. She assumes that John must be working for either the bank or Mr. Buckley.

Which she doesn’t know is that John’s boss lives up north. For the past 15 years, John has worked for Santa Claus (Derek McGrath). John is in charge of the stables and taking care of Santa’s reindeer. When Prancer cracks a hoof, it’s crisis time at the North Pole. As John explains it, without Prancer, it could take three to four months to deliver all of the presents. John even suggests that they may have to delay Christmas or cancel it altogether…

That’s when Mrs. Claus (Jayne Eastwood) steps forward and announces that, under no circumstances, will Christmas be canceled. As she puts it, the children will get their gifts “by any means necessary.” John is sent into the human world, instructed to track down a replacement reindeer. And he thinks that he’s found one on Annie’s farm.

The problem, of course, is that the reindeer — named Frankie — is Madison’s favorite. As John slowly starts to win Annie’s trust (and as he and Annie fall in love), he realizes that he cannot bring himself to take Frankie away from Madison. However, when he explains this to Mrs. Claus, she tells him that the needs of the many outweighs the needs of the few. If John isn’t willing to steal Frankie then maybe Mrs. Claus will have to come do it herself…

And really, the portrayal of Mrs. Claus as being the ruthless head of a crime syndicate was perhaps the best thing about this film. It was so unexpectedly dark and almost cynical. As well, Jayne Eastwood was obviously having a lot of fun playing this very unsentimental version of Mrs. Claus.

Beyond the subversive portrayal of Mrs. Claus, Last Chance For Christmas was a genuinely entertaining film. Hilarie Burton and Gabriel Hogan made for a cute couple, Lola Flanery gave a blessedly non-cutesy performance as Madison, and the snowy scenery was nice to look at. All in all, Last Chance for Christmas is a perfect example of the correct way to do a holiday movie.

Getting in the Holiday Spirit #3: A Christmas Accident (dir by Harold M. Shaw)

Posted on December 21, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight, as a part of my effort to get all of our readers into the holiday spirit, I present to A Christmas Accident, a silent film from 1912! That’s right — this movie is 103 years old! When this movie was first released, William Howard Taft was still President and the Ottoman Empire was still a thing!

Anyway, A Christmas Accident tells the story of rich and miserly Mr. Gilton. Mr. Gilton shares a duplex with a large and impoverished family. Mr. Gilton may be rich but he’s definitely not happy. He spends his time arguing with his wife and harassing the local shop owner. However, he reserves most of his anger for his neighbors. When his dog dies, he accuses them of poisoning it. When his wife’s meatloaf disappears, he accuses them of stealing it.

But then, on Christmas, something happens that causes Mr. Gilton to understand the true meaning of the holidays…

As I’ve stated many times here, I am a huge history nerd and films like A Christmas Accident fascinate me. It’s amazing to see, firsthand, how people lived in 1912. Add to that, A Christmas Accident holds up pretty well for a 103 year-old film. William Wadsworth does a pretty good job as the Scrooge-like Mr. Gilton and, as the most prominent of the poor children, Edna Hammel is the epitome of the saintly (if poverty-stricken) children who dominated popular culture at the turn of the 20th Century.

Enjoy A Christmas Accident!

Cleaning Out The DVR: The Christmas Gift (dir by Fred Olen Ray)

Posted on December 21, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I watched The Flight Before Christmas, it was time to continue cleaning out the DVR by watching The Christmas Gift! The Christmas Gift was one of the first Christmas films to show up on Lifetime this year, premiering on November 30th.

Megan (Michelle Trachtenberg) is an ambitious writer who works for a tabloid magazine and who is frustrated by the fact that she’s only assigned to write articles about the best lip gloss for fair skin. As well, her boorish boyfriend, and fellow journalist, Alex (Daniel Booko) not only dumps her but gets assigned the big story that she wanted! Michelle’s editor, Cooper (Rick Fox), tells her that, if she really thinks that she deserves better assignments, then she needs to go out and find a story that proves it.

Megan returns home to discover that her aunt has sent her a package of her old belongings. Going through it, Megan comes across a notebook that was anonymously given to her one Christmas many years ago. The notebook — and the poem that was inscribed within — inspired Megan to become a writer. She decides, for her story, to track down the person who gave her the notebook.

Her investigation leads her to Wesley Hardin Johnson, Jr. (Sterling Sulieman), who runs a foster care program. Megan says that she wants to do a story about the program and the kids that Wesley is helping. Wesley agrees, on the condition that the story be about the kids and not about him. For reasons that only make sense when you consider that this is a Lifetime holiday film, Megan decides that this means that she shouldn’t tell him about the notebook.

Not only does Megan have a hit story but she and Wesley are also falling in love! However, Megan then discovers why her aunt sent her all of her old stuff. It turns out that her aunt’s retirement community is about to be leveled and repalced with condos. And who is evicting Megan’s aunt? None other than Wesley’s father, Wesley Hardin Johnson, Sr. (Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs)…

Needless to say, it all leads to misunderstandings and conflicts but it’s nothing that can’t be solved within 90 minutes of narrative. This is a Lifetime Christmas film, after all. You watch it with the full knowledge that everything’s going to turn out okay. The Christmas Gift is a good-natured and likable holiday movie and Michelle Trachtenberg does a pretty good job in the lead role.

Perhaps what is most interesting about The Christmas Gift is that it was directed by the incredibly prolific Fred Olen Ray, who is better known for directing horror films and thrillers than for directing sweet-natured family films. (That said, if you look at his filmography, you’ll actually come across several movies that you wouldn’t normally associate with him.) Someday, someone is going to write the definitive overview of Ray’s long and varied career and, hopefully, I will be one of the first to read it.