Tag Archives: review

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.13 “Home Cort”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, we meet John D. Cort.

Episode 1.13 “Home Cort”

(Dir by Paul Schneider, originally aired on January 12th, 1990)

There’s a new lifeguard on the beach!

His name is John D. Cort (John Allen Nelson) and he’s a former Navy SEAL with a dark and mysterious past.  He drives a motorcycle.  He wears a cowboy hat.  He has a quick smile.  He’s dangerous and he’s now a member of the cast.  I’m going to guess that he was added to bring some mystery to the show.  Originally, Eddie Kramer was supposed to be the dangerous lifeguard with the mysterious past but Billy Warlock was just too earnest and young to really pull that off.  John D. Cort, on the other hand, is at least 40.

Now, I said that Cort was the “new lifeguard on the beach.”  That’s not quite true.  It turns out that he’s actually an old lifeguard who was a friend of Mitch’s and Craig’s.  In fact, it’s insinuated that their friendship is legendary amongst the lifeguards.  Of course, no one’s ever mentioned Cort before but whatever.  Baywatch was never exactly known for its continuity.

Cort says that he’s returned to the beach so that he can work as a lifeguard for ten days and keep his eligibility.  Actually, he’s been hired to retrieve a mysterious package that’s at the bottom of the ocean.  He recruits his old friend, Sam (Bruce Fairbairn), to take him out into the ocean so that he can retrieve the package.  However, an explosion costs Sam his life and forces Cort to deal with the fact that someone wants him dead.  Who wants Cort dead?  Some guy named Jack Burton (Drew Snyder).  Why does he want Cort dead?  Who cares?  I got bored with the whole thing so I missed his motive.  I could go back and find out but, as far as I’m concerned, if the answer was worth knowing, I wouldn’t have gotten bored the first time around.  The story is really just an excuse to introduce Cort.  At the end of the episode, he inherits Sam’s surf shop and makes peace with being a regular member of the cast for at least the rest of the season.

As for the B-plot, Shauni and and Jill go into business selling sandwiches on the beach!  They take a lot of business away from crooked sandwich hustler Buddy Semple (played by George Clooney’s future production partner, Grant Heslov).  Buddy reacts by hiring two women in bikinis to hand out his sandwiches.  That’s the entire plot.

Oh, this episode.  I’ll be so happy when the first season of Baywatch is over with and the show fully and cheerfully embraces the stupidity of its concept.  Until then …. welcome to the beach, John Cort!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Freddy’s Nightmares 2.2 “Heartbreak Hotel”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Freddy’s Nightmares, a horror anthology show which ran in syndication from 1988 to 1990. The entire series can be found on Tubi!

This week, two more people fall victim to Springwood, Ohio.

Episode 2.2 “Heartbreak Hotel”

(Dir by William Malone, originally aired on October 15th, 1989)

“Learn to use the proper pronouns …. OR DIE!” Freddy shouts at us this week and he has a point.

When tabloid reporter Roger Dittano (John Stinson) is sent to Springwood to write a story about an Elvis sighting at a local hotel, he discovers that everything he writes comes true.  He writes about a woman having a demon child and, a few minutes later, a pregnant maid goes into labor and gives birth to a deformed stillborn baby.  Roger writes about a man being electrocuted in a bathtub and, shortly afterwards, he’s nearly electrocuted while taking a bath.

When Roger discovers that a newspaper publisher (played by Stacy Keach, Sr., father of the better-known Stacy Keach) is staying at the hotel, he comes up with the following story.  “Newspaper publisher leaves empire to reporter after he drinks poison.”  Hey, Roger — who drank the poison!?  The reporter or the newspaper publisher?  As you can guess, Roger’s vague wording leading to him drinking arsenic and dying as the publisher laughs and says, “Oh, and I’m leaving my empire to you!”

That was actually a pretty clever story.  For once, the show actually did the work to set up the twist.  Roger spends the entire episode being told that he’s a sloppy writer.  In the end, that sloppiness kills him.

The second story also has a twist but it’s nowhere near as interesting.  An amnesiac named Jerry (Richard Cox) wakes up in a hospital after a car accident.  A woman (Anne Lockhart) claims to be the Jerry’s wife.  A teenage girl (Tammy Ames) claims to be Jerry’s daughter.  Jerry goes home with both of them and is soon haunted by nightmares in which he sees himself killing a man.  You can probably guess that Jerry is not married and he does not have a daughter.  This story had a lot of noir atmosphere — right down to a saxophone wailing away on the soundtrack — but it was also pretty predictable.

That said, this episode was still an improvement on just about season one episode.  Two good episodes of Freddy’s Nightmares in a row?  I’m as stunned as anyone.

Film Review: Camp Murder (dir by Mark Polonia)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

The sad truth of the matter is that the Friday the 13th films haven’t done much for the New Jersey summer camp industry.

Seriously, Crystal Lake is such a pretty location.  The lake looks beautiful with the sun rising over it and the water literally beckons you to toss off all your clothes and go for a swim.  The woods feature green trees and are full of animals and mysterious shacks.  The nearby town is home to people like Enos the Truck Driver, Ralph the Prophet, and a countless number of waitresses who will give you directions and gossip if you ask politely.  And then you’ve got Camp Crystal Lake, which has cabins and a generator and an archery range and a lot of outdoor showers.  Seriously, Camp Crystal Lake encompasses the natural beauty that New Jersey was once known for.

Unfortunately, none of that matters.  A few stupid camp counselors managed to get themselves killed by Betsy Palmer and now, no one wants to go to New Jersey anymore.  Before Friday the 13th, New Jersey was a state for the entire family.  After Friday the 13th, it became a state for a different sort of family.  My point is that the Friday the 13th films are directly responsible for the Mafia taking over New Jersey.  I don’t care how much they blame Lucky Luciano.  Jason Voorhees is responsible for organized crime.

Anyway, that’s my long-winded explanation for why no one wants to vacation at Camp Crystal Lake anymore.  It’s now known as Camp Blood and no one wants to hang out at a place where they might get killed or, even worse, get lost in the Pine Barrens.  Instead, people decide to vacation at much safer locations …. like Camp Murder!

2020’s Camp Murder takes place at the camp of the same nickname.  Throughout the film, everyone talks about what a dump Camp Murder is but, from what we see of it, it looks perfectly pleasant.  It might be a little isolated and a little neglected but it hardly seems like the Hellhole that everyone keeps describing.  A group of people are vacationing at Camp Murder, secure in the knowledge that infamous murderer “Terrible” Tommy Heller (Jeff Kirkendall) has been safely locked away from 25 years.  Except — uh oh! — Tommy’s escaped!  Dr. Lewis (Noyes J. Lawton) is searching for him but will he be able to find him before Tommy has wiped out the majority of the cast?

Camp Murder is one of Mark Polonia’s cheerfully low-budget horror films.  Polonia specializes in horror-on-budget.  His films aren’t exactly good but they’re made and often performed with such enthusiasm that it’s easier to forgive their flaws than certain other low-budget entries in the genre.  When it comes to a Polonia film, you know what you’re going to get so I’m going to focus on two positive aspects of the film.

First off, Terrible Tommy is actually a pretty effective villain.  His mask is genuinely disturbing and Jeff Kirkendall is properly menacing and relentless in the role.

Second, there’s a shot of two women walking towards a deserted barn that is actually effectively creepy.

As for the rest of the film, the pace is slow and the acting is often amateurish.  Some of the gore effects work.  It’s a shot-on-video slasher film.  You know what you’re getting into when you starting watching it.  The tourism industry will survive Camp Murder and that’s a good thing.

Film Review: The Initiation (dir by Larry Stewart)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

In 1984’s The Initiation, Daphne Zuniga plays Kelly Fairchild, a college student who is haunted by a recurring nightmare in which she, as a child, watches a man get burned alive in her childhood home.  Kelly, who can’t remember anything about her life before the age of ten, signs up for sleep study but her mother, Francesca (Vera Miles), strictly forbids it.  Kelly is far too busy and far too rich to have her dreams analyzed.

And really, Kelly does have a lot going on in her life at the moment.  She’s a student at SMU.  She’s pledging to a sorority.  Her father (Clu Gulager) owns one of Dallas’s biggest department stores and Kelly has the key so that the sorority pledges can spend the night inside the “deserted” building.  Sure, a patient with extensive burn scars has recently escaped from a mental hospital but what could that possibly have to do with Kelly and her disturbing dreams?

The Initiation is a film that takes a while to really get going.  The film spends a lot of time on just Kelly walking around the SMU campus and visiting her parents in Highland Park.  Eventually, though, Kelly, Marcia (Marilyn Kagan), and Alison (Hunter Tylo) spend the night in that store, which is not quite as deserted as they were told.  Not only is the president of the sorority there to play pranks but she’s invited along three goofy guys to add to the fun.  Of course, there’s also the mysterious killer who proceeds to start picking everyone off, one-by-one.

The Initiation is a film that I like for a couple of reasons.  One of them is that, whenever I watch this movie, I find myself shouting, “I’ve been there!”  This film was set and filmed in Dallas and it accomplishes the near-impossible task of actually making the SMU campus look vaguely interesting.  (SMU may be a top college but the campus has always been a bit on the dull side.)  SMU is a college that I once wanted to go to, at least until I saw how much it would cost and my guidance counselor saw how unimpressive my grades were in high school.  Instead, I went to UNT but I still spent a lot of time around the SMU campus because it was right next do to my favorite movie theater, the Dallas Angelika.

Meanwhile, the department store is played by Dallas Market Center.  I can only imagine that trouble that the production went through to get permission to shoot there.  That said, I have to admit that I found the “Vendors only” signs that appeared on several doors to be distracting.  (The Dallas Market Center is largely used for trade shows.)  Still, it was a good and atmospheric location for the slasher mayhem.

While it does take a while for that mayhem to start, the kills are all memorably nasty and bloody and actually rather frightening.  I’ve always felt that, if you’re going to make a movie like this, you should go all out.  There should just be blood and guts everywhere and The Initiation doesn’t shy away from that.  The fact that the victims are largely played by likable actors only makes the deaths more effective.

Finally, The Initiation ends with one of those totally out-there twists that a viewer like me just can’t help but love.  It’s a totally ludicrous twist but it’s just so weird and random that it was impossible not to enjoy.

Now, to be clear, The Initiation is not a lost classic.  As I mentioned earlier, it takes a while for the action to really get started and there are a few early scenes that definitely drag.  The film’s original director was fired after shooting began and, as a result, the film itself feels a bit disjointed.  It’s obvious that the original director had a much different vision than the director who replaced him.  But, even with all that taken into account, The Initiation is still a hundred times more effective than it probably has any right to be.  It’s ultimately an effective and memorable slasher film.

And it was filmed in my home town!

Film Review: Silent Madness (dir by Simon Nuchtern)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

1984’s Silent Madness opens in a mental hospital in New Jersey.  In order to cut down on costs, the hospital’s administrators have been giving early release to some of their patients.  Dr. Joan Gilmore (Belinda Montgomery) has only been on staff for a few months but even she knows that there’s a risk that a truly dangerous patient could be released.  Dr. Gilmore’s worries come true when a homicidal patient named Howard Johns (Solly Marx) disappears from the hospital.  Apparently, a computer errors led to Howard being released instead of a patient with a similar name.

Oh, someone screwed up big time!

Or, at least, that’s what Joan believes.  In a scene that has to be seen to be believed, the arrogant Dr. Kruger (Roderick Cook) attempts to convince Joan that Howard Johns actually died a while ago and that’s why he’s not in the hospital anymore.  Joan demands to see a death certificate.  Dr. Kruger is like, “Oh, I don’t know where it is.  We’ll have to look for it.”  Yeah, that’s the same thing I used to say in college whenever I was running behind on my paying my credit card.  “Really?  I never received that bill.  Can you send it again?”

Knowing that Howard was imprisoned after committing several murders at a sorority house in upstate New York, Joan theorizes that he’s heading back to the college so that he can pick up where he left off.  Pretending to be a former member of the sorority, Joan meets the aging house mother, Mrs. Collins (Viveca Lindfors).  Mrs. Collins — who often refers to younger women as being “whores” — tells a story of how a hazing ritual gone wrong led to handyman Howard grabbing a nail gun and wiping out a pledge class.  When Joan actually spots Howard on campus, she tries to get the sheriff (Sydney Lassick) to do something about it.  The sheriff replies that Joan must be seeing things because the hospital called and reported that Howard is deceased.  The sheriff than has a beer because he’s the best character in the entire film.

Howard, needless to say, is not dead.  He’s hiding out in the sorority house and he’s continuing in his murderous ways.  We don’t really learn much about Howard.  As the title suggests, he’s a silent killer.  That works to the film’s advantage.  A silent killer is far more intimidating than one who spends all of his time coming up with bad puns.  Because Silent Madness was originally filmed in 3D, Howard enjoys throwing axes and firing nail guns, often straight at the camera.

Silent Madness is a thoroughly ludicrous film but it’s enjoyable as a product of its time.  It’s hard not to smile at the thought of a theatrical audience ducking as Howard throws an axe at the camera in 3D.  Howard is a properly intimidating killer but the film is totally stolen by Roderick Cook, Viveca Lindfors, and Sydney Lassick, three veteran actors who knew better than to even try to be subtle while appearing in a film like this.  Lassick’s performance as the cowardly sheriff is especially enjoyable.  We all know that law enforcement is useless in a slasher film.  Lassick’s sheriff seems to understand this as well.  He’d rather just stay in his office and who can blame him?

Silent Madness is silly and kind of dumb but it’s undeniably entertaining.

 

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 3.9 “Up On The Roof”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Daily Motion.

This week, an arrest is made.

Episode 3.9 “Up On The Roof”

(Dir by Eric Laneuville, originally aired on November 21st, 1984)

It’s another busy day at St. Eligius.

  • The last of the firemen (Stephen Elliott) is finally sent home.  At first, he’s bitter about all of the skin grafts and all the other work that Dr. Caldwell did on him.  But then his grandkids come in the hospital and room and shout, “Grandpa!”  And then he steps outside and is greeted by all the other firemen.  He leaves in a fire truck and Dr. Caldwell — the only angst-free doctor at St. Eligius — smiles and waves.  Finally, someone on this show gets a happy ending.
  • Ms. Hufnagel continues to get on everyone’s nerves with her constant complaints.  Dr. Fiscus dumps her on Dr. Axelrod.  While the show seems to want us to be as annoyed with Ms. Hufnagel as everyone else, I have to admit that I feel sorry for her.  Does she complain a lot?  Yes, she does.  But being in a hospital can really be scary.  I complained a lot whenever I was rushed to the ER because of my asthma.  I complained a lot when my mom was in the hospital.  I complained a lot when my dad was in the hospital.  I complained a lot when my aunt was in the hospital.  Sometimes, complaining is the only comfort you have.
  • Dr. Morrison is upset when a friend (John Schuck) is told that his daughter cannot be treated with an experimental dialysis machine.
  • Nurse Rosenthal continues to have an affair with Richard Clarendon, the labor negotiator.
  • Dr. Christine Holz (Caroline McWilliams) comes to the hospital to perform a bone marrow transplant.  Dr. Annie Cavanero invites Dr. Holz to come to her place for dinner.  Cavanero is shocked when Dr. Holz reveals that she’s a lesbian and the viewer is once again reminded that this show aired in the mid-80s.
  • According to what I’ve read online, the original plan was for Dr. Holz to become Cavanero’s romantic partner but Cynthia Sikes refused to kiss another woman onscreen.  This led to the storyline being hastily rewritten and it apparently also led to Sikes being fired from the show at the end of the third season.
  • Kathy Martin is still in the psych ward.  When Detective Alex MacGallen (Charles Lanyer) attempts to question her about where she was when Peter White was shot, he is informed by Kathy’s doctor that Kathy has an alibi.  Later, Shirley comes to the psych ward and slips Kathy a letter.
  • Shirley has been hiding the gun that she used to shoot Peter all over the hospital.  However, when the detective finally confronts her and reveals that he knows that she killed Peter, Shirley pulls the gun on him and then run up to the rooftop.
  • On the roof, Dr. Westphall and Jack take their turns trying to convince Shirley to surrender to the police.  After Shirley confesses and then demands to know why Jack didn’t make more of an effort to stop Peter, Shirley drops her gun and is taken into custody.

This was a depressing episode, even by the standards of St. Elsewhere.  Shirley has always been one of my favorite characters and I hate the idea that she’s now going to go to prison for killing Dr. White.  From a narrative point of view, someone had to shoot Peter.  That was really the only way his story could end.  Personally, I think it would have made more sense for Dr. Cavanero to be the shooter that Shirley.  I mean, if Cavanero was going to be written off the show anyway, killing Dr. White would have given her a decent exit.

Next week, I’m sure something else depressing will happen.  We’ll see!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 5.7 “The Squeaky Wheel”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark help out a vet.

Episode 5.7 “The Squeaky Wheel”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on June 16th, 1989)

Jonathan and Mark attempt to turn Wayne Secret (Robert David Hall) into a disability activist.  Having lost his legs in Vietnam, Wayne wants to live a quiet life with his wife (Deborah Benson) but, while staying at a recently renovated hotel, he is woken up by a fire alarm.  With the the elevators not working and no ramps, Wayne is forced to depend on the kindness of a stranger who carries him down a flight of stairs.  The fire turns out to be a false alarm but the experience leads to Wayne protesting the fact that the hotel is not wheelchair accessible.

The owner of the hotel not only agrees to make changes to the building but he also offers Wayne a job.  Things are looking up for Wayne!  But, when a gang of young men harass him and his wife at a drive-in movie, Wayne snaps.  He buys an Uzi and then heads down to their clubhouse to take them out.  Luckily, Jonathan appears and talks Wayne out of becoming a mass murderer.  Wayne goes on to receive a “man of the year” award while Jonathan beats up the leader of the gang.

This episode felt very familiar.  In the past, this episode would have featured Mark’s brother-in-law, Scotty.  Instead, it features Wayne, who is not a particularly compelling character.  I think that this episode would have worked if it had just focused on Wayne advocating for wheelchair accessible buildings.  I also think it would have worked if it had just focused on Wayne’s anger to the gang and his struggle to let go of his bitterness over his war experiences.  Unfortunately, trying to cram both those storylines into one 45-minute show led to the whole thing feeling half-baked.

There was one poignant scene in this episode.  It opened with Mark and Jonathan visiting the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  Mark got excited when he came across Michael Landon’s star. “Never heard of him,” Jonathan shrugged.  “I forget you’ve been dead for forty years,” Mark replies.  It captured Jonathan and Mark’s friendship, which was always been one of the more underrated aspects of Highway to Heaven.  That said, it was also a bit of a sad scene as the episode itself aired a day after the death of Victor French and Landon himself would pass away nearly two years later.

Retro Television Review: Decoy 1.20 “Across the World”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Decoy, which aired in Syndication in 1957 and 1958.  The show can be viewed on Tubi!

This week, Casey gets involved with gun smugglers!

Episode 1.20 “Across the World”

(Dir by Teddy Sills, originally aired on February 24th, 1958)

Andrew Garcia (Frank Silvera), Herbert Carson (Arthur Batanides), and Carl Walton (Nicholas Colasanto) are using an import/export business to smuggle guns to the communists.  (Booo!)  When the owner of the company finds out, they murder her in a hit-and-run.  Because of the suspicious nature of the woman’s death, Casey is sent undercover to investigate.  She shows up at the company, claiming to be the woman’s only heir.  Her cover is blown early, leading to her getting knocked around by the bad guys.  Fortunately, for her, the bad guys end up turning on each other and eventually, the rest of the police force arrives and puts an end to the smuggling once and for all.

This episode didn’t feature much of Beverly Garland.  Instead, the majority of it focused on the three smugglers arguing amongst themselves and then plotting various double crosses.  Unfortunately, the smugglers weren’t particularly interesting.  Sometimes, bad guys can be compelling to watch but these dopes were obviously doomed from the minute that they first appeared.  Though it’s never specifically said to whom they were smuggling the weapons, I’m going to assume that it was probably Castro and his forces.  In 1958, there were a lot of Americans who actually thought that Castro would be more willing to work with America than Batista was.  Needless to say, they turned out to be incorrect.  Casey could have warned them if anyone had bothered to listen!

This was a lesser episode of Decoy but the episode did feature some location shots of New York City.  The actors where shivering so I can only assume it was very cold when they filmed this episode.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 3.3 “A Loaded Gun”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, OJ Simpson argues with his wife.

Episode 3.3 “A Loaded Gun”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on August 19th, 1987)

With Yinessa continuing to hold out for more money, Teddy thinks that he’s come up with a solution.  He tells Yinessa that he will personally take out an insurance policy on him so that Yinessa can work out with the team, despite not having a contract.  Yinessa agrees.  TD Parker tells all of the defenders not to touch Yinessa because they cannot risk him getting hurt.

“Anyone who touches Yinessa is going to wind up in Buffalo!” Parker tells them.

Unfortunately, John Manzak has been taken too many steroids.  As a result, the first thing he does is sack Yinessa.  Yinessa is injured.  As he’s rushed to the hospital, Diane tells Teddy, “Thank God you got that insurance policy.”  Teddy looks worried — uh oh, it looks like someone didn’t get that insurance policy!

At the hospital, a doctor tells Diane that Yinessa has a detached retina and he’ll probably never play football again.

Meanwhile, TD is having trouble in his marriage.  He forgets his wife’s birthday but TD’s secretary (Leah Ayres) sends flowers and buys a gift.  Unfortunately, TD’s wife sees through the entire ruse.  She and TD argue.  And because TD Parker is played by OJ Simpson, it’s hard not to worry whenever anyone argues with him.

Hey, that’s a good point, OJ!  Let’s move on!

Also, in this episode, Bubba goes to therapy because he hasn’t been able to make love to his wife since she gave birth.  Jethro goes with him and pretends to have a shoe fetish.  This led to another patient hiding his shoes.  1st and Ten is a comedy that rarely makes me laugh but I have to admit that I did chuckle when Jethro started talking about how much he loved shoes.

Other than the therapy scene, this was a pretty serious episode.  Yinessa might never play again.  John Manzak is going crazy due to the steroid abuse.  (Is he going to be sent to Buffalo?  I don’t know how he’s going to handle that!)  The kicker is still looking for a wife so he won’t get deported.  And Diane has no idea what’s going on with her team.

How will the Bulls ever make it to the championship game!?

I guess I’ll have to keep watching to find out.