Retro Television Review: Malibu CA 1.22 “Mom’s Gift”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Well, I guess it’s time to get back to reviewing this show….

Episode 1.22 “Mom’s Gift”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on April 25th, 1999)

After using the money that their Dad gave them to buy themselves a Nintendo, Jason and Scott realize that they’ve forgotten to get a birthday gift for their mom.  They panic, though I’m not sure why.  Their mother is living in Saudi Arabia, with her new husband and his family.  It’s time for Jason and Scott to admit that she no longer cares about them.  And even if she is expecting a gift, it takes a while to ship something from California to Saudi Arabia.  It’s not like she’s going to somehow know that they waited until the last minute.  Stupid Jason!  Stupid Scott!

Jason and Scott decide to make their mom a video tape of their lives in Malibu.  (Yeah, guys, that’s a lot better than jewelry.)  They invite Sam and Stads to share their favorite Scott and Jason memories and then both Murray and Traycee decide to get in on it as well and….

Yep, it’s a clip show.

Oh, clip shows!  Every show, good or bad, has them.  They’re cheap.  They’re easy to produce.  And they certainly are boring to watch.  That’s especially true when the clips come from a show, like Malibu CA, that still hasn’t figured out what type of story it’s trying to tell.  Hey, remember when Dennis Haskins ran for mayor of Malibu?  Remember when Stads and Jason were briefly a couple?  Remember when Scott and Sam were even more briefly a couple?  This show was all over the place and the clips in this episode mostly serve to remind us that Malibu CA never really settled on a consistent tone.

Probably the most interesting thing about the clips was that they revealed that Sam and Stads used to actually have personalities beyond just being killjoys.  When this show started, Stads actually had a sense of humor and Sam actually …. well, Sam never really had much of a personality but still, at least she used to do more than just sit in the background and comment on Murray’s weekly shenanigans.  The clips also reminded us me that Jason and Scott used to both be sociopathic.  Now, at least, Scott is vaguely responsible and level-headed.  Jason, meanwhile, remains a douchebag.

Happy birthday, mom!

Oh well.  What can you really say about a clip show?  It’s so rare to see a good one.  Even the clip show they did for The Office sucked.  I guess I should be happy that this was the first episode of Malibu CA that I reviewed for 2025.  The clips reminded me of why I was so happy to have an excuse to take a break from reviewing this stupid show but still, a clip show of Malibu CA is still less painful to review than an episode where you actually have to pay attention to the plot.

Happy New Year!

Catching Up With The Films of 2024: Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (dir by George Miller)


Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga opens with the sound of nervous Australian citizens and commentators, narrating us through the collapse of civilization.  We hear about riots.  We hear about the breakdown of civilization.  We hear that people are literally running out of water.

It’s an effective opening but, for those of us who have seen the other movies set in the Mad Max universe, it also feels a bit redundant.  We already know the story of how our world came to an end.  Mad Max opened with society in its death throes.  The Road Warrior and Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome both took place a few years after the apocalypse, with the majority of humanity reduced back to a feral existence of scrounging and fighting to survive.  Finally, Mad Max: Fury Road took place so far in the future that the only thing that really remained of the old ways were the cars and the guns that were obsessively cared for by the inhabitants of what was once Australia.  (Not even the collapse of civilization could halt car culture.)

Furiosa opens 45 years after the apocalypse, with young Furiosa (Alyla Brown) living in the Green Place, one of the few areas of Australia not to be reduced to a waterless desert.  When she’s kidnapped by Dementus (Chris Hemsworth) and the Biker Horde, she can only watch in horror as her mother (Charlee Fraser) is crucified by the Horde.  Dementus, who was driven mad by the death of his own family, adopts Furiosa as his own and spends years hoping that she will lead him to the Green Place.  Instead, Furiosa is eventually “traded” to Dementus’s rival, Immortan Joe (Lachy Hulme), and, under the tutelage of Praetorian Jack (Tom Burke), she eventually grows up to become both Anya Taylor-Joy and the fierce warrior who was at the center of Mad Max: Fury Road.

Like that opening montage of panicky voices describing the apocalypse, Furiosa is well-made but, narratively, it can feel a bit redundant.  There’s really nothing major about Furiosa’s backstory that wasn’t previously revealed in Mad Max: Fury Road.  Yes, we learn the exact circumstances of how she lost her arm and it’s a scene that definitely establishes Furiosa as a badass but it’s also reveals that she lost her arm in the way that I imagine 99% of Fury Road‘s audience assumed it happened the first place.  That’s the problem with both prequels and sequels.  If the first movie is effective, that usually means that the audience has been given all of the information that they needed to understand a character’s past and motivation.  As a result, prequels often feel narratively unnecessary.  Furiosa spends the majority of this movie plotting her escape from Immortan Joe but we already know that it’s not going to happen because Furiosa still has to be at the Citadel for Fury Road.

Compared to Fury Road (in which the action took place over a handful of days as opposed to the decade that is covered in the prequel), Furiosa can feel a little slow.  At times, it can even seem a bit draggy.  Furiosa devotes as much time to exploring post-apocalyptic society as it does to action sequences.  (It has more in common with Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome than The Road Warrior.)  That said, there’s a lot about Furiosa that works wonderfully.  No one directs a chase or a battle as well as George Miller.  Chris Hemsworth gives a good performance as Dementus, playing him as a tyrant who learned how to lead from watching the Marvel movies that made Hemsworth famous.  Hemsworth is particularly strong in his final scene with Furiosa.   Dementus may be hateful but, in a strange way, he can be understood.  Having lost everything he once cherished in life, Dementus’s actions are as much about his own self-destructive impulses as his own thirst for pwoer.  Though she doesn’t take over the role until fairly late in the film, Anya Taylor-Joy gives a fierce performance as Furiosa.  Furiosa doesn’t speak much in the film but, when she does, both Anya Taylor-Joy and Alyla Brown make those words count.

Furiosa is an uneven film that falls victim to the same trap that has hindered many prequels.  But, ultimately, it’s still a watchable and frequently compelling vision of a disturbing future.

 

 

Song of the Day: Moonraker by Shirley Bassey


In honor of National Science Fiction Day, today’s song of the day comes from the film that sent James Bond into space!

Released in 1979, Moonraker may not get as much respect as some of the Bond films but I’ve always liked it.  The theme song was the third and final Bond song to be performed by Shirley Bassey.  The song was originally written for Frank Sinatra but he turned it down.  Johnny Mathis then agreed to perform the song but he backed out at the last minute.  Shirley Bassey came in to record the song just weeks before the film was due to premiere.

Because this is a 70s film, there were two versions of this song, the original and the disco.  Because I’m the one writing this post, we’re going with the disco version.

Where are you, why do you hide
Where is that moonlight trail that leads to your side?
Just like the moonraker goes in search of his dream of gold
I search for love, for someone to have and hold

I’ve seen your smile in a thousand dreams
Felt your touch, and it always seems
You love me, you love me

Where are you, when will we meet?
Take my unfinished life and make it complete
Just like the moonraker knows
His dream will come true someday
I know that you are only a kiss away

I’ve seen your smile in a thousand dreams
Felt your touch, and it always seems
You love me, you love me

Songwriters: John Barry / Hal David

Film Review: Save The Tiger (dir by John G. Avildsen)


1973’s Save The Tiger tells the story of Harry Stoner (Jack Lemmon).

When Harry was a young man, he loved baseball and he felt like he could conquer the world.  He saw combat in World War II and spent the final part of the war on the Island of Capri, recuperating after being wounded in battle.  Harry went on to partner up with Phil Greene (Jack Gilford) and they started a clothing company in Los Angeles, Capri Casuals.

Now, Harry is a middle-aged man who is still haunted by nightmares about the war.  He’s married.  He has a daughter attending school in Switzerland.  He’s respected in the industry.  He lives in a nice house in Beverly Hills.  And he’s totally miserable.  He wakes up every day and wonders what is happening to the country.  He talks about witnessing a wild pitch at a baseball game, missing the days when something like that could seem like the most important thing in his life.  He spends all of his time at work, cheating to balance the books and keeping clients happy by setting them up with a sophisticated prostitute named Margo (played, with a weary cynicism, by Lara Parker).

Save The Tiger covers just a few days in the life of Harry Stoner, as he searches for some sort of meaning in his life.  He gives a ride to a free-spirited hippie (Laurie Heineman) who offers to have sex with him.  (Harry replies that he’s late for work.)  He accepts an award at an industry dinner and, as he tries to give his acceptance speech, he is haunted by the sight of dead soldiers sitting in the audience.  With Phil, he debates whether or not to balance the books by setting fire to one of their warehouses in order to collect the insurance.  Harry sees a poster imploring him to “Save the Tigers.”  Who can save Harry as he finds himself increasingly overwhelmed by the realities of his life?

As I watched Save the Tiger, I found myself thinking about two other films of the era that featured a middle-aged man dealing with a midlife crisis while searching for meaning in the counterculture.  In Petulia and Breezy, George C. Scott and William Holden each found meaning in a relationship with a younger woman.  And while Petulia and Breezy are both good films, Save The Tiger is far more realistic in its portrayal of Harry’s ennui.  There is no easy solution for Harry.  Even if he accepted the hippie’s offer to “ball” or if he acted on the obvious attraction between himself and Margo, one gets the feeling that Harry would still feel lost.  Harry’s problem isn’t that he’s merely bored with his life.  Harry’s problem is that he yearns for a past that can never be recaptured and which may only exist in his imagination.  If George C. Scott and William Holden were two actors who excelled at playing characters who refused to yield to the world’s demands, Jack Lemmon was an actor who played characters who often seemed to be desperate in their search for happiness.  Save The Tiger features Lemmon at his most desperate, playing a character who has yielded so often and compromised so much that he now has nowhere left to go.

It’s not exactly a cheerful film but it is one that sticks with you.  Jack Lemmon won his second Oscar for his performance as Harry and he certainly deserved it.  Lemmon does a wonderful job generating some sympathy for a character who is not always particularly likable.  Many of Harry’s problems are due to his own bad decisions.  No one forced him to use “ballet with the books” to keep his business open and no one is forcing him to hire arsonist Charlie Robbins (Thayer David, giving a performance that is both witty and sinister at the same time) to burn down not only his warehouse but also an adjoining business that belongs to an acquaintance.  Harry could admit the truth and shut down his business but then how would he afford the home in Beverly Hills and all the other symbols of his success?  Harry yearns for a time when he was young and his decisions didn’t have consequences but that time has passed.

This isn’t exactly the type of film that many would expect from the director of Rocky but director John G. Avildsen does a good job of putting the viewer into Harry’s seedy world.  I especially liked Avilden’s handling of the scene where Harry hallucinates a platoon of wounded soldiers listening to his awards speech.  Instead of lingering on the soldiers, Avildsen instead uses a series of a quick cuts that initially leave the audience as confused as Harry as to what Harry is seeing.  Both Rocky and Save The Tiger are about a man who refuses to give up.  The difference is that perhaps Harry Stoner should.

“You can’t play with us, mister!” a kid yells at Harry when he attempts to recreate the wild pitch that so impressed him as a youth.  In the end, Harry is a man trapped by his memories of the past and his dissatisfaction with the present.  He’s made his decisions and he’ll have to live with the consequences but one is left with the knowledge that, no matter what happens, Harry will be never find the happiness or the satisfaction that he desires.  The tigers can be saved but Harry might be a lost cause.

Film Review: The Don Is Dead (dir by Richard Fleischer)


“The Don is Dead!” shouts the title of this 1973 film and it’s not lying.

After the powerful and respect leader of the Regalbuto crime family dies, the Mafia’s governing body meets in Las Vegas to debate who should be allowed to take over the family’s operations.  Frank Regalbuto (a smoldering Robert Forster) wants to take over the family but it’s agreed that he’s still too young and hot-headed.  Instead, control of the family is given Don Angelo DiMorra (Anthony Quinn), an old school Mafia chieftain who everyone agrees is a man of respect.  Don DiMorra will serve as a mentor to Frank while Frank’s main enforcers, The Fargo Brothers, will be allowed to operate independently with the understanding that they will still respond if the mob needs them to do a job.  Tony Fargo (Forrest) wants to get out of the rackets all together while his older brother, Vince (Al Lettieri), remains loyal to the old ways of doing things.

Frank is not happy with the arrangement but he has other things to worry about.  He knows that there’s a traitor in his family.  While he and the Fargo brothers work to uncover the man’s identity so that they can take their revenge, Don Angelo falls in love with a Vegas showgirl named Ruby Dunne (Angel Tompkins).  However, Ruby is engaged to marry Frank and, when Frank returns from taking care of the traitor, he is tipped off as to what has been happening in his absence.  Frank goes crazy, nearly beating Ruby to death.  Don Angelo declares war on Frank and the Fargo brothers are forced to decide which side they’ll serve.

In the 1970s, almost every crime film was either a rip-off of The French Connection or The Godfather.  The Don Is Dead is unique in that it attempts to rip off both of them at the same time.  The film opens French Connection-style with a couple of hoods trying to double-cross Frank during a drug deal, leading to shoot-out.  (Keep an eye out for Sid Haig as one of Frank’s men.)   The film is full of scenes that are meant to duplicate the gritty feel of The French Connection though, needless to say, none of them are directed with the cinema verité intensity that William Friedkin brought to that classic film.  Meanwhile, Anthony Quinn plays a character who is very much reminiscent of Don Vito Corleone, even pausing at one point to tell Frank that “drugs are a dirty business.”  The Godfather‘s Abe Vigoda and Al Lettieri show up in supporting roles and Robert Forster gives a performance that owes more than a little to James Caan’s Oscar-nominated turn as Sonny Corleone.  (Interestingly enough, both Quinn and Forster were among the many actors considered for roles in The Godfather.)

Unfortunately, the film itself is slowly-paced and never really draws us into the plot.  Director Richard Fleischer, who directed a lot of films without ever developing a signature style, brings none of the intensity that William Friedkin brough to The French Connection nor can he duplicate Francis Ford Coppola’s operatic grandeur.  The Don is Dead plays out like a particularly violent made-for-TV movie.  There’s a lot of talented people in the cast but they’re defeated by thinly drawn characters.  Robert Evans often said that Coppola was hired to direct The Godfather because, as an Italian-American, he would bring an authenticity to the material that a non-Italian director would not be able to do.  The Don Is Dead would seem to indicate that Evans knew what he was talking about.

Music Video of the Day: Rivers of Mercy by Tears For Fears (2023, dir by Aloka Gent)


Today’s music video of the day comes to us from Tears For Fears and their seventh studio album, The Tipping Point.

This song is a mix of melancholy emotions and hope for a better future.  As the video shows it can be easy to feel like you’re drowning in today’s world, with its constant flood of negativity and disturbing imagery.  As I sit here typing this post, I still can’t go on twitter without immediately being confronted by a video of a woman being burned alive in a New York subway car.  There’s only so much of that ugliness that one can see before it becomes tempting to assume that the human race is defined solely by the worst members of it.  The majority of the people that I know, though, are kind, loving, and tolerant.  And if they see you drowning, they’ll be the first to reach out and pull you to safety.

In other words, I think we’re going to be okay.

Enjoy!

Insomnia File #66: Ghosts Can’t Do It (dir by John Derek)


What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or streaming? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

If you find yourself having trouble getting to sleep tonight or tomorrow, you may want to try watching 1989’s Ghosts Can’t Do It.  It won’t necessarily put you to sleep but it will give you something to ponder while you lie in bed and stare up at the ceiling.  For instance, how exactly did this movie get produced without anyone coming up with a better title than Ghosts Can’t Do It?

Bo Derek plays Kate, the wife of elderly billionaire Scott (played by Anthony Quinn, who appears to be drunk in the majority of his scenes).  Despite their age difference, Kate and Scott are deeply in love.  When they’re not playing in the snow and riding horses around the ranch, they’re having sex.  “Sex, sex, sex, sex!” the movie seems to chant in almost every scene.  But then Anthony Quinn has a heart attack, which in this film means that he spends what appears to be hours lying in the snow while trading jokes with Kate.  (It’s important to be able to joke with your partner but if my man had a heart attack, my first reaction would be to get a doctor.)

Scott survives his heart attack but he’s told that, in his weakened state, he can no longer have sex.  Also, he can’t get a new heart because he’s too old.  Facing a future without sex, Scott shoots himself.  Fortunately, Scott’s guardian angel (Julie Newmar) takes sympathy on him and sends his spirt back down to Earth.  Only Kate can see and hear him and, while she’s happy to be reunited with him, they are both upset to discover that ghosts can’t do it.

Scott comes up with a plan.  Kate needs to find a young, virile lover and then murder him so that Scott can possess his body and then he and Kate can have sex whenever they feel like it.  Because that plan makes total sense and there’s no way that it could lead to Kate’s soul being damned to an eternity in Hell, Kate agrees.  Kate travels the world, having sex and looking for a man who will be able to please her after she has murdered him.  Eventually, Kate meets a charming young criminal named Fausto (Leo Damian) and decides that he’ll do.  Scott can’t wait to inhabit Fausto’s body but Kate suddenly realizes that she might not have it in her to be a murderer!  Well, she’ll never know unless she tries.  (I never thought that I would be able to shoot down a drone but then, one night in December….)

While all of this is going on, Kate is handling Scott’s business affairs.  This leads to a meeting with a famous and ruthless businessman named Donald Trump.  Yes, the 45 and 47th President of the United States plays himself in this film.  Kate and Trump meet in a conference room to discuss a deal.  Kate mentions that she read Trump’s book.  Trump smiles and nods.  They have hard-boiled business dialogue.  Kate tells Trump that he’s “too pretty” to be as ruthless as he is.  ‘You noticed,” Trump says.  It’s a pretty dumb scene but, from a historical point-of-view, it’s a reminder of the fact that, long before he was elected President, Trump was already a ubiquitous figure on the American pop cultural scene.

Ghosts Can’t Do It is definitely a misfire, albeit one that is such a huge misfire that it become interesting in the same way that trainwrecks are often interesting.  Almost everything about it, from the dialogue to the attempts at humor to the nearly unreadable font that is used for the opening credits, feels wrong.  There is one brief moment that works, in which Kate dances with her ghost husband and, for the first and only time in the film, we see a flicker of genuine chemistry between Bo Derek and Anthony Quinn.  (Bo Derek, I will mention, is not quite as bad an actress as her reputation suggests.  It’s just that she should have been playing campy soap opera villainesses on late night television as opposed to starring in her husband’s crackpot films.)  Otherwise, this movie is perhaps the worst movie to ever feature both a two-time Oscar winner and a future President.  And, for that reason, it’s a watchable curiosity.  It’s just what insomnia demands.

Previous Insomnia Files:

  1. Story of Mankind
  2. Stag
  3. Love Is A Gun
  4. Nina Takes A Lover
  5. Black Ice
  6. Frogs For Snakes
  7. Fair Game
  8. From The Hip
  9. Born Killers
  10. Eye For An Eye
  11. Summer Catch
  12. Beyond the Law
  13. Spring Broke
  14. Promise
  15. George Wallace
  16. Kill The Messenger
  17. The Suburbans
  18. Only The Strong
  19. Great Expectations
  20. Casual Sex?
  21. Truth
  22. Insomina
  23. Death Do Us Part
  24. A Star is Born
  25. The Winning Season
  26. Rabbit Run
  27. Remember My Name
  28. The Arrangement
  29. Day of the Animals
  30. Still of The Night
  31. Arsenal
  32. Smooth Talk
  33. The Comedian
  34. The Minus Man
  35. Donnie Brasco
  36. Punchline
  37. Evita
  38. Six: The Mark Unleashed
  39. Disclosure
  40. The Spanish Prisoner
  41. Elektra
  42. Revenge
  43. Legend
  44. Cat Run
  45. The Pyramid
  46. Enter the Ninja
  47. Downhill
  48. Malice
  49. Mystery Date
  50. Zola
  51. Ira & Abby
  52. The Next Karate Kid
  53. A Nightmare on Drug Street
  54. Jud
  55. FTA
  56. Exterminators of the Year 3000
  57. Boris Karloff: The Man Behind The Monster
  58. The Haunting of Helen Walker
  59. True Spirit
  60. Project Kill
  61. Replica
  62. Rollergator
  63. Hillbillys In A Haunted House
  64. Once Upon A Midnight Scary
  65. Girl Lost

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.3 “Bug House”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

It’s time to return to Monsters!

Episode 3.3 “Bug House”

(Dir by Kenny Myers, originally aired on October 14th, 1990)

Ellen (Karen Sillas) visits her sister, May (Juliette Kirth) and is shocked by what she discovers.  May is living in a cabin that was once owned by their father and she’s allowed the place to become infested with roaches and other bugs!  May is pregnant and appears to be mentally unstable.  She lives with her boyfriend, the handsome but creepy Peter (Robert Kerbeck).

What’s interesting is that, even though Ellen is disgusted by how May is living, one gets the feeling that Ellen is also secretly happy to see that her sister is struggling.  It’s obvious that there are a lot of complicated feelings between the two of them.  Their conversation at the start of the episode is a masterclass in passive aggressive communication.  And even though Ellen claims not to trust Peter, it’s easy to guess what’s going to happen between them.

Unfortunately, Peter’s not just some creepy guy with a condescending attitude.  He’s actually an insectoid creature who just happens to be wearing a human mask.  And when May gives birth, she gives birth to a giant roach.  While Peter gazes adoring at the roach, May is devoured by maggots.  As terrifying as that is, the episode ends with Ellen pregnant….

AGCK!

This was an episode of Monsters that actually lived up to its name.  Peter was a horrifying creation and the scenes with the bugs were among some of the most effective that I’ve seen on this show.  With this episode, Monsters moved beyond the deliberate campiness of the majority of its episodes and instead embraced Cronenbergian body horror.  The atmosphere was full of dread and the cabin was an effectively macabre location.  (What made the cabin especially disturbing was that it was obvious that it had once been quite nice before Peter moved in.  Bugs ruin everything!)  Everything from the dilapidated set design to the dark lighting to the ominous music came together to make this episode feel like a filmed nightmare.  Speaking for myself, there’s nothing more terrifying than a giant roach.  Seriously, I hate those things!  Even the name — Roach — sounds like something that would kill you if it got a chance.

But what truly made this episode work were the performances of Karen Sillas and Juliette Kirth as the two sisters.  They not only captured the bond that all sisters share but they also captured how that bond can sometimes lead to competition.  The sisters love each other but there’s also a lot of resentment behind almost everything that they say to each other, which brings a whole extra layer of meaning to this episode’s story.

This was an excellent episode and a great way to return to Monsters!

Documentary Review: Chariots of the Gods (dir by Harald Reinl)


First released in 1970, the German documentary Chariots of the Gods tests the proposition that you can prove anything with stock footage and a narrator.

Chariots of the Gods takes viewers on a tour through some of the most visually impressive locations ever seen by human eyes.  Look at the ruins of the Aztec and Inca civilizations!  Behold a Mayan observatory!  Marvel at Egypt’s pyramids!  Trace the amazing Nazca Lines of South America!  View the amazing “heads” of Easter Island!  Be amazed that an ancient civilization was able to create a primitive battery!  Feast your eyes upon colorful cave drawings of mythic beasts and powerful wizards!  Examine this skull of a 200,000 year-old bison and think about just how long living things have inhabited this amazing planet!

And then read the ancient texts and consider how every civilization wrote of certain shared events, suggesting that the legendary cataclysms of mythology were based on things that actually happened.  Read the words of men and women who lived centuries ago and consider that humans have always been trying to figure out how things work.  Humans have always been curious and imaginative creatures and the fact that, from the beginning of time, they were inspired to record their stories indicates that we have an instinctual understanding of the importance of history.

It takes your breath away but, according to this documentary, it shouldn’t.

All of those things that you think humans did?  According to Chariots of the Gods, it was the aliens.  The aliens built the pyramids.  The aliens inspired the cave drawings.  All of those ancient texts are actually about spaceships landing on Earth and the aliens saying, “Hi.”  The great flood that appears in both the Bible and the epic of Gilgamesh?  Aliens!  Enoch’s journey into Heaven?  Aliens!  Elijah’s ascension?  Aliens!  The Nazca lines?  An alien airport!  The statues of Easter Island?  Alien robots!  Chariots of the Gods opens by suggesting that the human race is basically just a big cargo cult, worshipping stuff left behind by the aliens.

Seriously, what a depressing way to look at the world!  Instead of marveling at the determination of ancient man, this documentary says that the whole thing was done by aliens and the humans were apparently just standing off to the side.  Forget about celebrating ingenuity and imagination.  The aliens did it all and all of the ancient stories and all of the cave drawings should be taken very literally because it’s not like the ancient artists could have just been really talented or creative.  Instead, when the authors of the Epic of Gilgamesh wrote about Gilgamesh floating over the Earth, it was because it really happened!  Imagination had nothing to do with it.

In the tradition of most pseudoscience documents, Chariots of the Gods is one of those documentaries that makes its point by basically refusing to accept that any other viable theories exist.  Repeatedly, we’re flatly told that “scientists agree….,” as if every scientist has signed off on the idea of ancient aliens.  The documentary’s narrator often informs us that there’s no way ancient people could have constructed and moved giant statues or monuments but he fails to mention that numerous studies that have argued and demonstrated that actually ancient people could very well have done all of that.  Essentially, Chariots of the Gods is a travelogue in which we are shown stock footage of some really cool sights while the narrator says, “I bet an alien did that!”

Silly as it was, Chariots of the Gods was still a box office hit and it was nominated for Best Documentary Feature.  It’s pseudoscientific legacy lives on today.

January True Crime: Shoot First: A Cop’s Vengeance (dir by Mel Damski)


Made for television in 1991 and possessing a rather unwieldy title, Shoot First: A Cop’s Vengeance tells the story of two friends in San Antonio in the early 80s.

Farrell Tucker (Dale Midkiff) and Stephen Smith (Alex McArthur) are both cops.  They entered the police academy together, they graduated as a part of the same class, and they both hope to be partners while working to keep the streets of San Antonio safe.  Tucker is laid back and friendly and not one to worry too much about following all of the regulations.  Stephen Smith, on the other hand, is uptight and, at first, by-the-book.  He grew up in a poverty-stricken, crime-riddled neighborhood and it left a definite impression on him.  He hates crime and criminals but what he really can’t stand is a justice system that seems to be more concerned with the victimizers than with the victims.  Tucker and Smith enjoy spending their time together, drinking at the local cop bars and practicing their shooting on the weekends.  Tucker’s not much of a shot, whereas Smith is a sharpshooter who rarely misses.

At first, no one notices or even cares that some of San Antonio’s less upstanding citizens are getting gunned down in the streets.  But when Smith somehow manages to be first on the scene to a series of shootings, it gets the attention of Internal Affairs.  With Sergeant Nicholas (Terry O’Quinn) investigating the possibility of a cop-turned-vigilante and Chief Hogan (G.D. Spradlin) announcing that no one is above the law, Smith starts to get a bit paranoid and Tucker is forced to consider that his friend could very well be a murderer.

And, of course, Tucker’s right!  The first scene features Tucker confronting Smith and then the majority of the film is told in flashback.  Even if not for that narrative choice, one could guess at Smith’s guilt just from the title of the film.  When Shoot First: A Cop’s Vengeance was released on home video, the title was changed to Vigilante Cop, which made Smith’s guilt even more obvious.  Finally, some viewers will guess that Smith is guilty because the film is based on a true story.  Officer Stephen Smith actually did go on a killing spree, gunning down men who he felt had escaped the law and even sending threatening letters to his chief when the latter announced that vigilante activity would not be tolerated.  Officer Stephen Smith went from being a follower of the rules to someone who attempted to write his own rules.  It’s an interesting story for anyone who wants to google it.

As for the film, it’s adequate without being particularly memorable.  Alex McArthur and Dale Midkiff both give good performance as Tucker and Smith and the cast is full of talented people like Terry O’Quinn, G.D. Spradlin, Bruce McGill, and Lynn Lowry.  Observant viewers will even notice a long-haired Jeremy Davies, showing up for a split-second.  I liked the performance of Loryn Locklin, as the waitress who marries Smith and then discovers that her charming husband actually has some very serious issues.  The main problem with the film is that the story moves a bit too slowly for its own good and some of the Texas accents were more than a little dodgy.  If you’re looking for an action film, this won’t be for you, though the shootings are surprisingly graphic for something that was made for television.  Shoot First: A Cop’s Vengeance is a rather routine telling of an interesting story.