Retro Television Review: Baywatch 2.19 “The Lost Treasure of Tower 12”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, Harvey gets to do something.

Episode 2.19 “The Lost Treasure of Tower 12”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on April 27th, 1992)

After a season of appearing in the opening credits and rarely anywhere else, Harvey (Tom McTigue) finally gets a storyline. Because Mitch is going on a camping trip, he has Harvey replace him as the teacher of a windsurfing class. Harvey is excited because the students all attend a local girls’ school. That would presumably mean they’re teenagers, while Harvey appears to be in his thirties.

As Ben correctly deduces, Harvey has no idea how to windsurf. This becomes obvious as soon as Harvey and Ben meet the bikini-clad students on the beach. (Harvey tells all the girls to write down their phone numbers. Again: the girls are teenagers, and Harvey is definitely not.) After watching Harvey struggle with the basics, the students start to walk away. Ben steps up and announces that he can teach them. What follows is a montage of the girls windsurfing while a dejected Harvey stares straight at the camera.

That’s the B-plot. The A-plot features Michael Bendetti as Ian, a poet who lives on the beach and finds a box of stolen jewels a thief buried in the sand. Ian uses the jewelry to bankroll his courtship of Shauni. (Ian has a crush.) The thieves aren’t happy about that.

This episode just felt off. With his obsessive crush on Shauni, Ian comes across as a stalker, and yet I think we were supposed to be charmed by how relentless he was. There’s even an extended fantasy sequence in which Ian imagines dancing with Shauni under a chandelier suspended above the beach. Meanwhile, the main thief is so cruel that he throws the episode out of whack. It’s hard to reconcile a scene of Newmie and Eddie pulling a dead body out of the ocean with the lightweight humor of Harvey trying to windsurf.

This episode confirms something I’ve suspected from the moment I started reviewing this show. The early seasons of Baywatch worked best when they focused on David Hasselhoff’s somewhat corny but undeniably earnest portrayal of Mitch Buchannon. Whenever Hasselhoff isn’t in an episode (or appears in just one scene), the cynicism at the heart of the show — and the emptiness of its style-heavy approach — is much harder to ignore.

In short, Baywatch needed the Hoff.

Live Tweet Alert: Join #ScarySocial For Saturn 3!


As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on Twitter and Mastodon.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, at 10 pm et, #ScarySocial presents Saturn 3!

If you want to join us this Saturday, just hop onto twitter, start the movie at 10 pm et, and use the #ScarySocial hashtag!  It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Saturn 3 is available on Prime!  See you there!

4 Shots From 4 Surreal Films


4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films.  As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films is all about letting the visuals do the talking.

4 Shots From 4 Surreal Films

Mirrormask (2005, directed by Dave McKean)

Mirrormask (2005, directed by Dave McKean)

Enter the Void (2009, directed by Gaspar Noe)

Enter the Void (2009, directed by Gaspar Noe)

Pina (2011, directed by Wim Wenders)

Pina (2011, directed by Wim Wenders)

Post Tenebras Lux (2012, directed by Carlos Reygadas)

Post Tenebras Lux (2012, directed by Carlos Reygadas)

Late Night Retro Television Review: Sledge Hammer! 1.5 “Dori Day Afternoon”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing SLEDGE HAMMER!, a cop comedy which ran on ABC from 1986 to 1988. The entire series can be found on Prime!

This week, Dori and Sledge get caught up in a hostage situation.

Episode 1.5 “Dori Day Afternoon”

(Dir by James Sheldon, originally aired on October 24th, 1986)

While driving to the bank, Dori and Sledge Hammer see a man on the ledge of a building. The man is threatening to jump. Dori says she’s going to grab a bullhorn out of the trunk so she can talk the guy down. Sledge says that won’t be necessary. He draws his gun and fires five shots at the man, barely missing him, until the terrified man goes back inside.

At the bank, Sledge is shocked when the ATM tells him that his account is overdrawn. He and Dori go inside to talk to the manager. While Sledge is trying to get some answers as to what happened to his account, two men draw guns. Cliff (Frank Doubleday) and Lou (Britt Leach) announce that they are robbing the bank and that everyone inside is going to be a hostage. Sledge has his gun with him but, after dealing with the jumper, he only has one bullet left. While Cliff negotiates with Captain Trunk, Sledge continually waits for Cliff and Lou to stand close enough together that they can both be taken out by one bullet. Unfortunately, the other hostages keep getting in the way.

This episode was okay without being particularly memorable. When you consider how silly the first three episodes of Sledge Hammer! were, it’s a bit ironic that this one suffers because it takes itself a bit too seriously. Instead of the enjoyably surreal humor of the first episode, “Dori Day Afternoon” features too many scenes of Cliff and Lou making their demands and threatening people. The episode does pick up a bit at the end, when Trunk tries to trick Cliff and Lou by giving them a plane but not a pilot. It turns out Cliff is an expert pilot. After Sledge manages to beat Cliff up, it turns out that Sledge has no idea how to fly a plane. Luckily, Dori does.

The funniest moments are the ones where Sledge struggles with his natural instinct, which is to shoot first and worry about the consequences later. David Rasche, as always, does a good job of showing just how much Sledge struggles when he’s in a situation that can’t be solved through gunplay. The funniest moment is when Trunk calls the bank and asks Sledge if the hostages have hurt anyone.

“No,” Sledge replies.

“Have you hurt anyone?”

“Not yet.”

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 4.10 “Loss of Power”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Daily Motion.

This week, the lights go out.

Episode 4.10 “Loss of Power”

(Dir by Mark Tinker, originally aired on December 11th, 1985)

Due to a blizzard, the power has gone down in Boston. At St. Eligius, the backup generator comes to a sputtering and unreliable life. Over the course of the night shift, many things happen in the dark.

Dr. Craig successfully performs lifesaving surgery without being able to use any of the tools that surgeons have come to take for granted. After the grueling operation is completed, he leaves the ER without thanking anyone else. Dr. Wade chases after him and tells him that he should have at least told everyone that they did a good job. Dr. Craig replies that everyone did their job like they were supposed to. Just the fact that he allows them into his operating room should be thanks enough.

Pru Dowler (Amanda Wyss), the developmentally challenged teenager who was caught having sex in her hospital room a few episodes ago, returns with her mother (Terrence O’Connor). Pru has been having stomach pains and morning sickness. After Dr. Morrison confirms that Pru is pregnant, her mother says that Pru will be having an abortion. Morrison tries to talk her out of it, to no avail.

Working at the nurses’ station, Helen Rosenthal gets a summons to appear in court. Lucy is suing over the incident in which Helen slapped her.

Fiscus and Mona have sex in the hospital and, when Fiscus proposes, Mona accepts.

Elliott treats a patient who claims that he’s going to turn into either a vampire or a werewolf at midnight. Elliott thinks that the man belongs in the psych ward, but then he discovers that the man is actually suffering from a real condition that makes it difficult for him to go out during the day. The man spent so much time being made fun of for his nocturnal lifestyle that he eventually decided that he really was a vampire.

And finally, Dr. Westphall is stuck in an elevator with a claustrophobic man (Michael Des Barres) who is also named Donald. Stuck in an elevator with a stranger, Westphall does what he always does. He uses the situation as an excuse to start talking about the volunteer work he did in Ethiopia and how disappointed he is that everyone doesn’t share his attitude when it comes to community outreach. The other Donald responds by talking about the time he was thrown in jail for marijuana possession. Eventually, the other Donald dislocates his shoulder when he throws himself against the elevator doors.

Seriously, can you think of anything worse than being stuck in an elevator with Donald Westphall? Westphall is already one of the most depressing people on the planet. Now imagine being trapped in a confined space with him. Once again, this episode proves that Westphall can take any situation and turn it into a lesson about how he’s right and everyone else is wrong.

That said, I liked this episode. It reminded me of the season-one episode that featured a small group of doctors working the night shift. It was interesting to see how everyone adjusted to the darkness. This was a workplace episode in which we watched as everyone did their best under less than ideal conditions. In the end, it was obvious that Dr. Craig was correct.

His people are the best.

It would just be nice if he would let them know that once in a while.

 

Thoughts On The Culture — 9/11/26


It’s Been A While

It’s been two months since I last did one of these. With October approaching and horror movies demanding my attention, I decided to get at least one essay in here before the ghosts and the goblins take over for a month. Fair warning: This is not one of my happier editions of Thoughts On The Culture (and some of the earlier drafts were even angrier!) but these are some things that I’ve been trying to say for a few years now. If not now, when?

25 Years Ago

Every September 11th I decide I am going to write about the anniversary, and almost every year I give up after a few sentences. After the first few sentences, I always find myself getting too angry to continue.

There were 2,977 official victims of 9/11. And then there are the people who died in the days, months, years, and decades afterward, some from illnesses related to the toxic dust at the scene, some from the depression and anxiety that followed the attacks, and many in the wars that were fought after the attack. The world changed that morning. That is a difficult thing to deal with in one essay.

I know that a lot of my friends who are a bit more on the Left than me get upset with the patriotic rituals that surround the anniversary. That is because 9/11 sits badly with their preferred narrative, the idea that America is always at fault, that terrorists are simply activists trying to be heard, and that a capitalist society like this one is always one disaster away from collapse.

9/11 showed something else. I do not care if you dislike American foreign policy. That does not justify killing nearly three thousand innocent people. Subsequent investigations did not reveal saintly militants with a message. They revealed a crew of men whose ideas about sex and morality looked to be permanently stuck in early adolescence. And America did not collapse. That day is full of stories of heroism and sacrifice from the kind of ordinary Americans who usually don’t get much respect from our leaders. A society in which people have individual freedom does not come apart because of a disaster. Meanwhile, to take two countries long beloved by the anti-American Left, Venezuela couldn’t survive the loss of Hugo Chavez and Cuba’s power grid cannot even handle a visit from Hasan Piker.

Heroism

Actor Steve Buscemi was an FDNY firefighter with Engine 55 from 1980 to 1984.  The day after the attacks, Buscemi put on his old uniform and worked 12-hour shifts for days on end. He did not have his people alert the media. He did not brag about it later. He did it because he thought it was his duty. A lot of other people, who were not famous, did the same. Father Mychal Judge, a fire department chaplain, died while praying over the bodies of those who had crashed down to the streets. The passengers of UA 93 fought back and, at the cost of their own lives, prevented one of the planes from crashing into the U.S. Capitol. That was America on September 11th.

A Few Words From My Father

My dad thought the attacks showed how weak the terrorists actually were. As he put it, flying a plane into a building does not take a genius. It just takes someone willing to do it. He was not intimidated. He took the lack of immediate follow-up attacks to mean the whole operation was sloppier than it looked on television. He thought the terrorists had gotten lucky, and that their leaders would be blown to oblivion soon enough. At the time, everyone assumed he was wrong. “Well, not many people agree with you on that,” one of my cousins said. It turned out my father was largely right.

Who Is More Traumatized?

This week, on Twitter or X or whatever you want to call it, a lot of Zoomers have been complaining that 9/11, an event which they were not even around for, is getting too much attention, and that the COVID years were actually the worst trauma.

The trauma from 9/11 came from not knowing what the future held, and from the feeling that another attack could come at any moment. On 9/11, even those of us who did not live in New York watched the attacks unfold on television. I saw people jumping to their deaths. I saw, and heard, the towers fall. Those images have never left. On that day, they were in the whole country’s head. As for COVID, how traumatized you were depended a great deal on which state you were living in. Not everyone was set free from the lockdowns at the same time.

The weird thing, to me, is this attitude that trauma is a competition. Nothing seems to scare certain people more than the fact that not everyone looks at the world the same way they do.

Is It Okay To Lighten The Mood?

It’s always okay to lighten the mood. In fact, I think there are times when writers have a duty to lighten the mood. Sometimes, I think it’s too tempting (and perhaps too easy) to simply obsess on the bad at the expense of the good. It’s easy to focus on the darkness but we need to be willing to accept that there are reasons to be happy as well. For instance, Big Brother is nearly over. Seriously, this has been a very frustrating season of the show that I love to moderately dislike. This season hasn’t so much been bad as it’s just been overwhelmingly bland. It’s not good enough to get excited about but it’s not really bad enough to hate. Fortunately, it’ll all be over on October 1st, just in time to celebrate the scary season!

Admittedly, this is mostly good news for me and my friend Jim. I introduced him to Big Brother last season and I don’t think he’s ever going to forgive me.

On a Happier Note

Let’s end this edition on a hopeful note. I am already busy watching and reviewing films for this year’s Horrorthon. October is my favorite time of the year, and I look forward to celebrating it with all of you!

Live Tweet Alert: Join #FridayNightFlix for Matinee!


As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly watch parties.  On Twitter, I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday and I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday.  On Mastodon, I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, at 10 pm et, I will be hosting #FridayNightFlix!  The movie?  1993’s Matinee!

If you want to join us this Friday, just hop onto twitter, find Matinee on Prime, start the movie at 10 pm et, and use the #FridayNightFlix hashtag!  I’ll be there happily tweeting.  It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

See you there!

 

 

6 Shots From 6 Films: Special Brian De Palma Edition


4 Or More Shots From 4 Or More Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

Today is the birthday of Brian De Palma and that means that it is time for….

6 Shots From 6 Brian De Palma Films

Phantom of Paradise (1974, dir by Brian De Palma, DP: Larry Pizer)

Carrie (1976, dir by Brian De Palma, DP: Mario Tosi)

Dressed to Kill (1980, dir by Brian De Palma, DP: Ralf D. Bode)

Blow Out (1981, dir by Brian De Palma, DP: Vilmos Zsigmond)

Scarface (1983, dir by Brian De Palma, DP: John A. Alonzo)

Body Double (1984, dir by Brian De Palma, DP: Stephen Burum)