Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.15 “Golden Triangle: Part Two”

Posted on December 18, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week’s episode is all about Castillo!

Episode 1.15 “Golden Triangle: Part Two”

(Dir by David Anspaugh, originally aired on January 18th, 1985)

Last week’s episode revealed a little bit about Castillo’s past and what actually goes on underneath his stoic facade. This week’s episode exposed even more of Castillo …. literally!

Part two of Golden Triangle opens with Castillo very much out of uniform as he strips down to a black speedo and swims in the ocean. To be honest, it was a bit strange to see because …. well, he’s Castillo. Castillo shows no emotion. Castillo never smiles. Castillo, up until last week, had no life outside of his work. Now, suddenly, the viewer learns that Castillo has kept himself in pretty good shape. It’s weird to see someone with that good of a body and that strange of a mustache.

After his swim, Castillo meets with Crockett and Tubbs. They tell him that they are searching Miami for both Lao Li and May Ying. Castillo tells them not to, saying that “This department is not my private detective agency,” but Crockett and Tubbs insist on being allowed to help. As they explain it, Lao Li is a heroin dealer so they’re actually doing their job by searching for him.

It turns out to be much easier to track down Dale Menton (John Santucci), a former CIA agent who knew Castillo in Thailand and who was Lao Li’s handler. Menton reveals that Lao Li and his entire family is in Miami and they’re all hiding in plain sight. He even gives Lao Li’s phone number to Castillo. Menton also mentions that he was the one who, years ago, informed Lao Li that Castillo was planning on raiding one of his drug shipments. As a result, most of Castillo’s men were killed and, after his house was blown up, Castillo wrongly believed that May Ying had been killed.

Castillo meets with Lao Li (Keye Luke), who explains that he is only in Miami because he is retired and that he’s no longer in the drug business. (Needless to say, Castillo sees right through him.) Castillo also meets May Ying (Joan Chen) and discovers that she is now remarried and has a son. Somewhat touchingly, Castillo is happy for her. However, Castillio also knows that May Ying and her husband have been brought to Miami to serve as hostages. If he goes after Lao Li (or Menton), May Ying will be killed.

Lao Li is very clever but his dumbass grandsons (played by Peter Kwong and Kevin Gray) are not. They ignore Lao Li’s order to lay low and instead, they start dressing like Sonny Crockett and driving around town in a White Lamborghini. When they’re arrested while in the middle of a drug deal, Castillo realizes that he finally has the leverage to take Lao Li down.

This episode was pretty much a showcase for Edward James Olmos, who played Castillo has being the one man in Miami who was not willing to compromise his values. At the end of the show, Lao Li suggested that there might be a mutual respect between him and Castillo just for Castillo to inform him that no, Castillo had absolutely no respect for Lao Li. The episode ended with Castillo watching as May Ying and her husband returned to Thailand, happy to know that she was alive and doing well but also resigned to the fact that she could no longer be with him. It was an emotionally powerful moment.

Next week, Crockett and Tubbs head to Colombia!

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.14 “Golden Triangle: Part One”

Posted on December 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Castillo opens up!

Episode 1.14 “Golden Triangle: Part One”

(Dir by George Stanford Brown, originally aired on January 11th, 1985)

Okay, things are going to get a little complicated here. This is one convoluted episode.

Crockett and Tubbs’s latest assignment has them pretending to be the head of security for a Miami hotel. Castillo wants them to catch two crooked cops who are shaking down the prostitutes who use the hotel as their office. Tubbs and Crockett aren’t happy about it because it makes them feel like they’re working for Internal Affairs but Castillo makes it clear that he has no patience for any dirty cops.

Unfortunately, they’re not having much success with the security gig. The episode opens with Crockett and Tubbs subduing a guest who is freaking out on Angel Dust. “Attack the whack!” as the Disco Godfather once put it.

Crockett decides to put on a pair of thick glasses and a pocket protector and sit by the pool. He’s approached by Candy James (Robin Johnson), a high-class escort who asks Crockett if he wants to party. Crockett promptly arrests her.

After Candy agrees to help Crockett and Tubbs (in return for her criminal record being wiped out of the system), Crockett and Tubbs decide to go undercover as pimps while still pretending to be hotel security guards. When a guest named Albert Szarbo (John Snyder) and his unnamed Thai associate see Tubbs setting Gina up with her date (who is actually Zito), they decide that Crockett and Tubbs must be using the hotel as a front for their own prostitution operation. Szarbo approaches Crockett and explains that he wants to rob all of the hotel’s safe deposit boxes.

With Candy’s help, Crockett and Tubbs discover that the crooked detectives are Herb Ross (Paul Austin) and Dan Garcia (Gary Jellum). Ross and Garcia are arrested but are released just a few hours later. Because they were not actually arrested by Crockett and Tubbs, they assume that Crockett and Tubbs are still just the hotel security guys but they also assume that Crockett must have snitched on them to the police and….

Wait? What? Seriously, how does everyone in Miami not know, at this point, that Crockett and Tubbs are cops? They make no effort to hide the fact that they’re cops. Even when they’re undercover, they refer to each other by their real names and spend half of their time talking about what’s going on back at the station. Even if the criminals don’t know that Crockett and Tubbs are working undercover, you would at least expect their fellow police officers to know.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Candy. Candy said she would leave Miami after Ross and Garcia were busted but, instead, she shows up back at the hotel. Crockett is not happy about this but then he finds himself being confronted by Szarbo and Ross, who claims that Crockett is a snitch. Candy steps up and announces that she’s the snitch, saving Crockett and Tubbs’s case.

However, it turns out that Szarbo was lying to Crockett about wanting Crockett and Tubbs to be present when he robbed the safety deposit boxes. Instead, he was just using Crockett so that he could get a look at the vault before breaking in. Szarbo and his associate pull off the robbery and are then murdered by whoever hired them.

Castillo takes one look at the body of Szarbo’s Thai associate and realizes that he was tortured to death by associates of Chinese General Lao Li, a drug lord who Castillo tangled with before he joined the Miami PD. The normally stoic and unemotional Castillo opens up a little and reveals that he spend three years working undercover in Thailand for the DEA. Castillo says that they need to discover why Lao Li wanted whatever was in the safety deposit boxes.

Leaving his office and helping Tubbs and Crockett with their investigation, Castillo stuns everyone by revealing that he’s actually a total badass who speaks Thai, knows martial arts, and can handle himself in a fight. A search of all of Miami’s Thai restaurants eventually leads Castillo to Lao Li’s assassin. After an exciting fight with Castillo, the assassin purposefully commits suicide by swallowing his own tongue.

Back at police headquarters, Castillo, Crockett, Tubbs, Zito, and Switek takes a look at some of the items that were recovered from Szarbo’s hotel room. Castillo has deduced that Lao Li has come to the United States and his immigration visa was probably in one of the safety deposit boxes. He then looks at a picture of an attractive Chinese woman. (Some viewers will recognize her as being actress Joan Chen.) When asked who the woman is, Castillo replies, “My wife.”

This was a great episode, with a wonderfully twisty plot and a great fight scene between Edward James Olmos and Paul Tenn. After spending the past few episodes as a glowering figure who spent most of his time standing in his office and glaring at Crockett, Castillo revealed a bit about himself and it was fun to discover that this stoic figure was actually a total badass.

Next week: Part two of Golden Triangle!

Last Night Retro Television Reviews: Nightmare Cafe 1.1 “Nightmare Cafe”

Posted on October 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Nightmare Cafe, which ran on NBC from January to April of 1992. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Created by Wes Craven and Thomas Baum, Nightmare Café was an anthology show about a mysterious café and the people who worked there. The proprietor was played by Robert Englund. The series only aired for six episodes and apparently, NBC didn’t really give the show much of a chance to find an audience. Myself, I just recently came across it on YouTube and I’m looking forward to reviewing it over the course of October!

Episode 1.1 “Nightmare Café”

(Dir by Phillip Noyce, originally aired on January 29th, 1992)

“See those two folks up there?” Robert Englund, playing a sharply-dressed man named Blackie, asks while staring straight at the camera. “They’re about to get a second chance. And you know what? I bet they blow it.”

The two people to whom Blackie is referring are Frank Nolan (Jack Coleman) and Fay Pernovic (Lindsay Frost). On a foggy night, Fay stops her car on the side of the bridge and jumps into the water below. Fortunately, Jack already happens to be in the water so he grabs her and pulls her to dry land. Standing on the deserted road and soaking wet, Fay refuses to say thank you and Frank refuses to mention why he was there to begin with. However, when they see an all-night café in the distance, they decide to get a cup of coffee. As they head to the café, Blackie watches them from the shadows. As they enter the café, the neon sign changes from saying “Night Café” to “Nightmare Café.”

The café appears to be deserted, though in working order. Jack goes behind the counter finds a chef’s outfit. Fay finds a waitress outfit. When she heads into the restroom to change clothes, she briefly hears the sound of a woman crying but, upon entering, she finds no one. Meanwhile, Jack notices that a TV screen at the front of the café has come to life and …. uh-oh! He’s suddenly watching what appears to be security footage of Fay removing her wet clothes. Jack does the right thing and turns the TV off but seriously, what’s happening with this place!?

In the restroom, Fay marvels at how well the waitress uniform fits, almost as if it was made for her. Suddenly, she hears more crying. She touches the bathroom mirror and she sees herself sobbing and pulling pills out of a medicine cabinet.

Fay steps back into the main part of the café. Frank confesses about watching her change on the television. Fay demands to know what color underwear she was wearing. “White …. with red hearts on back,” is Frank’s reply. (For the record, as I sit here typing this, I am wearing black underwear with red hearts on the back.) Fay accuses him of being a pervert and peeking in on her while she was changing. Frank turns on the TV in an attempt to prove that he’s not a perv but, instead of showing the restroom, the TV shows the chemical plant where, according to Frank, he works as a night watchman. He watches as two men steal a barrel of chemical waste and brag about how they’re going to dump it into the harbor. Frank says that his worst nightmare is seeing something that’s wrong and not doing anything to stop it. Fay pinches Frank in an attempt to wake him up. On the TV screen, Frank Nolan tries to stop the men from driving off with the chemical waste. Frank is fired and then knocked unconscious.

Realizing the Frank has vanished from the café, Fay runs over to a payphone and dials 9-1-1, just to be informed that the number cannot be reached. Fay opens the door to the café and discovers that she and the café are apparently floating in space!

Returning to the television, Fay sees that, at the chemical plant, Frank is still on the ground and his employer tells a bunch of thugs that he wants them to make Frank watch as they dump the waste into the harbor. However, once the thugs drive down to the harbor, Frank jumps out of the trunk of their car and into one of the trucks transporting the chemical waste. The thugs shoot at the truck until it explodes and then decide that it’s time to get a cup of coffee.

Realizing that the thugs might be coming, Fay decides she better pretend to be a real waitress. She grabs a cup of coffee and walks into the back where she discovers Frank rising out of a water-filled sink. “You know what?” Frank says, “I don’t think this is your run-of-the-mill all night café!”

Fay congratulates Frank on doing the right thing and standing up to the thugs. Suddenly, Fay starts to worry about what she saw in the restroom so she and Frank enter and, in the mirror, they see the two thugs approaching the cafe. Frank and Fay run into the kitchen. Frank opens a door marked exit and plunges back into the harbor. Fay closes the door and then opens it again and finds herself staring at a back alley. Deciding to face the thugs, she heads to the front of the café, where the two thugs demand to know where Frank is. She tells them that he’s in the ladies room. They rush into the restroom and suddenly find themselves on a police shooting range with a bunch of cops aiming their guns at them.

“This place has possibilities,” Fay says as the two thugs run from the café.

Suddenly, the TV turns on Fays sees herself in her bedroom, getting dressed for a date. Frank steps back into the café and watches the TV, barely noticing that Fay has vanished from the café. While he’s doing this, Blackie steps into the café and, breaking the fourth wall, says, “This ought to be interesting.”

On the television, Fay gets a call from a guy named Al (John D’Aquino) who explains that he’ll be delayed but he’ll see her later. Frank recognizes Al as being his boss at the chemical plant and then he realizes that Blackie also worked at the chemical plant and was one of the people who always told him not to waste his time reporting the toxic waste dumping. Blackie holds up a deck of cards and says that whoever pulls the low card will pay for their meal. Frank says that the only person that he’s betting on is Fay.

On the TV, Fay drives towards Al’s house. Suddenly, Frank is standing on the side of the road and hitchhiking. Fay gives him a ride and suddenly, the two thugs pop up and start shooting at them. Fay speeds off, with Frank in the car. Fay outmaneuvers the pursuing thugs, who end up crashing their car into the harbor.

Suddenly, Blackie is the only one sitting in the café. He watches Fay and Frank talk in the car. Frank tells Fay all about Al and Fay kicks Frank out of the car, not understanding how he could possibly know her name. Suddenly, Frank is back in the café. He and Blackie watch as Fay knocks on the door of Al’s penthouse. No one answers and Frank cheers as Fay starts to walk away. Suddenly, Blackie appears on the television and unlocks the door so Fay can enter the penthouse.

Fay gives Al a really ugly sweater for his birthday but is then shocked to discover that Al is at the penthouse with another woman (played by Carrie-Anne Moss in an early role), who promptly asks if Fay is the maid. As Fay heads for the penthouse’s bathroom, one of the thugs shows up and announces that he previous saw Fay at the café. Meanwhile, Fay searches the medicine cabinet for pills before heading back to her car

Seeing Fay driving towards the harbor on the television, Frank runs out of the café to save Fay again. But this time, instead of jumping into the harbor, Fay looks at the water and then says that it would be foolish to kill herself over a loser like Al. Suddenly, Al drives up and Fay and Frank have to jump into the water to avoid getting hit. However, once they hit the water, Frank realizes that they’re already dead.

Upon figuring this out, Frank and Fay are transported back to the café where Blackie tells them that they’re dead in the real world but they’re alive in the café and now, they get to make a difference in other people’s lives. Blackie opens the door, to show Frank and Fay that they are once again floating in space and that the Earth in the distance. Blackie tells them that they’ve been selected by “a higher authority” to help the people who enter the café and “maybe learn a little about yourselves along the way.” But they’re both dead so what’s left to learn?

Suddenly, Al enters the café. Blackie tells Al that Frank and Fay are in the restroom. Al steps into the restroom and suddenly has a vision of Fay testifying against him in court. Terrified, Al runs from the café but, upon opening the door, he plunges through space and lands in a vat of chemical waste.

A woman (played by Joan Chen of Twin Peaks fame) opens the front door. “Hi,” she asks, “Are you open?”

Nightmare Café only ran for 6 episodes and anthology shows are notorious for being uneven. All that considered, I really enjoyed the pilot for Nightmare Café, with its twisty plot, frequently surreal visuals, and — last but not least — Robert Englund having what appears to be a lot of fun as the show’s host. The pilot was directed by Philip Noyce, who keeps the action moving a great pace. Even more importantly, from their first scene together, Lindsay Frost and Jack Coleman have a lot chemistry. I’m looking forward to watching the remaining episodes and seeing where all of this goes!

The Films of 2020: Ava (dir by Tate Taylor)

Posted on December 25, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Ava tells story of Ava Faulkner (Jessica Chastain), who has a troubled past, a turbulent present, and an uncertain future.

As we learn via a series of still frames during the film’s opening credits, Ava was the valedictorian of her high school class but her bright future was derailed by her own alcoholism. She killed two of her friends while driving drunk and, presumably to avoid prison, she instead went into the army. In the army, she was noted for being an efficient killer while, at the same time, being a bit unstable. She has issues with authority. Well, don’t we all? When she got out of the army, she was recruited by Duke (John Malkovich), who taught her how to be an international assassin!

Unfortunately, since Ava screwed up her last mission and has gotten into the habit of talking to her targets before she kills them, Simon (Colin Farrell) wants her dead. Simon also used to be a student of Duke’s but now he is Duke’s boss or something. It’s all a bit vague and, to be honest, I found myself spending way too much time trying to figure out the corporate structure of whatever group it was that everyone was supposedly working for. Apparently, Duke works for Simon but Simon still has to get Duke’s permission before trying to kill Ava or, failing that, try to kill Duke so that Duke won’t complain about it. Duke spends a lot of time fishing and Simon spends a lot of time with his adorable family. I liked Simon’s house.

Anyway, Ava has returned to Boston, where she’s trying to reconnect with her family. It turns out that teenage Ava discovered that her father was cheating on her mom and that’s what set Ava on her downward spiral. Mom (Geena Davis) is now a hypercritical semi-recluse. Meanwhile, Ava’s sister, Judy (Jess Wexler), is a singer in a band and she’s engaged to Michael (Common, who, for some reason, keeps getting cast in all of these extremely wimpy roles), who just happens to be Ava’s ex-boyfriend. And Michael is a gambling addict who owes a ton of money to Toni (Joan Chen). It’s hinted that Toni and Ava also have a past but then again, everyone in the film has a past with Ava. It’s get a little bit difficult to keep track of it all.

Ava gets off to a bad start by making us sit through one of Ava’s jobs. She kills an accountant but first she asks him a lot questions about why anyone would want him dead because apparently, she’s an ethical assassin. The scene goes on forever and it features Jessica Chastain trying to speak with an Arkansas accent. Things picked up a bit during the opening credits, which was largely made up of still frames from Ava’s past. However, once the credits ended and the film’s actual story got started, things quickly went back downhill.

The main problem with Ava is one of sensibility. Both Jessica Chastain and director Tate Taylor have totally the wrong sensibility for a film like this. Ava is essentially a work of pulp fiction but Chastain takes herself far too seriously to actually bring a sense of fun to the title role. Meanwhile, Tate Taylor directs as if he’s never had a single subversive thought in his life. (In Taylor’s defense, he was a last minute replacement for the film’s original director, Matthew Newton.) Ava is a film that cries out for a star like Gina Carano and a director like John Stockwell, people who have no hesitation about totally digging in and embracing the silliness of it all. Instead, we get Chastain and Taylor trying to give us a semi-realistic look at a woman battling her addictions and trying make peace with her past. Malkovich, Farrell, and Chen all seem to get the fact that Ava should be a fun B-movie, unfortunately, Taylor and Chastain apparently didn’t get the memo. (Of course, Chastain produced the film so maybe it was her co-stars who didn’t get the memo. Who knows?)

Ava commits the sin of taking itself too seriously. Check out John Stockwell’s In The Blood or Phillip Noyce’s Salt instead.

Wedlock (1991, directed by Lewis Teague)

Posted on September 8, 2020 by Jedadiah Leland

This HBO film opens with a shot of an urban skyline and a title card that reads “somewhere in the future.” However, the city looks like a present-day city and the cars don’t fly and all of the clothing is 90s fashionable and the people in the movie use pay phones. Since Wedlock was made in 1991, I guess the movie takes place in … 1992? Maybe 1993.

Frank (Rutger Hauer), Noelle (John Chen), and Sam (James Remar) are professional thieves who have just managed to make a big score. They’ve stolen several million dollars worth of diamonds. Unfortunately, Sam tripped an alarm during the theft so Frank had to make off with the diamonds. After he hides them, Frank goes to the rendezvous point to meet up with Sam and Noelle. His partners betray him, shooting Frank and, after discovering that he doesn’t have the diamonds him, leaving him for dead.

However, Frank survives. He ends up getting sent to Camp Holliday, a prison run by Warden Holliday (Stephen Tobolowsky, who you’ll recognize as Ned Ryerson from Groundhog Day). The Warden explains that his prison is more progressive than most. Not only is the prison co-ed but prisoners are allowed more freedom to move around. The only catch is that all the prisoners wear an explosive dog collar. Each prisoner has a randomly selected mate, someone to whom they are wedlocked, if you will. Move more than 100 yards away from your partner and boom! Both collars go off and two prisoners end up losing their heads.

The Warden wants to know where the diamonds are hidden so he sets about torturing Frank (who has been given the prison name of Magneta) but he soon discovers that it won’t be easy to break Frank Warren. Even after Frank gets locked in a sensory deprivation tank, he just laughs and says the diamonds are with Santa at the North Pole. Another prisoner, Ivory (Mimi Rogers) approaches Frank and says that she’s figured out that she’s his partner. She wants to escape and she needs Frank to come with her. But can Frank trust her and, if she’s wrong, won’t both of their heads explode? Then again, who in the near future of the 1990s would turn down a chance to run off with Mimi Rogers? Meanwhile, Frank’s partners are waiting for him to escape from the prison so that they can follow him to wherever the diamonds are located.

Though the plot may be ludicrous, Wedlock works because it has a good cast (even Danny Trejo has a small role) and it was directed by Lewis Teague, who started his directorial career under Roger Corman and who has always understood how to put together a good B-movie. The prison scenes are more interesting than the scenes that take place in the outside world but the exploding head effects are cool and Rutger Hauer, James Remar, and Mimi Rogers are always enjoyable to watch no matter what they’re doing.

Playing Catch-Up: Autumn in New York, Griffin & Phoenix, Harry & Son, The Life of David Gale

Posted on March 23, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

So, this year I am making a sincere effort to review every film that I see. I know I say that every year but this time, I really mean it.

So, in an effort to catch up, here are four quick reviews of some of the movies that I watched over the past few weeks!

Autumn in New York
Released: 2000
Directed by Joan Chen
Starring Richard Gere, Winona Ryder, Anthony LaPaglia, Elaine Stritch, Vera Farmiga, Sherry Stringfield, Jill Hennessy, J.K. Simmons, Sam Trammell, Mary Beth Hurt

Richard Gere is Will, a fabulously wealthy New Yorker, who has had many girlfriends but who has never been able to find the one. He owns a restaurant and appears on the cover of New York Magazine. He loves food because, according to him, “Food is the only beautiful thing that truly nourishes.”

Winona Ryder is Charlotte, a hat designer who is always happy and cheerful and full of life. She’s the type who dresses up like Emily Dickinson for Christmas and recites poetry to children, though you get the feeling that, if they ever somehow met in real life, Emily would probably get annoyed with Charlotte fairly quickly. Actually, Charlotte might soon get to meet Emily because she has one of those rare diseases that kills you in a year while still allowing you to look healthy and beautiful.

One night, Will and Charlotte meet and, together, they solve crimes!

No, actually, they fall in love. This is one of those films where a young woman teaches an old man how to live again but then promptly dies so it’s not like he actually has to make a huge commitment or anything. The film does, at least, acknowledge that Will is a lot older than Charlotte but it still doesn’t make it any less weird that Charlotte would want to spend her last year on Earth dealing with a self-centered, emotionally remote man who is old enough to be her father. (To be honest, when it was revealed that Charlotte was the daughter of a woman who Will had previously dated, I was briefly worried that Autumn in New York was going to take an even stranger turn….)

On the positive side, the films features some pretty shots of New York and there is actually a pretty nice subplot, in which Will tries to connect with the daughter (Vera Farmiga) that he never knew he had. Maybe if Farmiga and Ryder had switched roles, Autumn in New York would have worked out better.

Griffin & Phoenix
Released: 2006
Directed by Ed Stone
Starring Dermot Mulroney, Amanda Peet, Blair Brown, and Sarah Paulson

His name is Henry Griffin (Dermot Mulroney).

Her name is Sarah Phoenix (Amanda Peet).

Because they both have highly symbolic last names, we know that they’re meant to be together.

They both have cancer. They’ve both been given a year to live. Of course, they don’t realize that when they first meet and fall in love. In fact, when Phoenix comes across several books that Griffin has purchased about dealing with being terminally ill, she assumes that Griffin bought them to try to fool her into falling in love with him. Once they realize that they only have a year to be together, Griffin and Phoenix set out to make every moment count…

It’s a sweet-natured and unabashedly sentimental movie but, unfortunately, Dermot Mulroney and Amanda Peet have little romantic chemistry and the film is never quite as successful at inspiring tears as it should be. When Mulroney finally allows himself to get mad and deals with his anger by vandalizing a bunch of cars, it’s not a cathartic moment. Instead, you just find yourself wondering how Mulroney could so easily get away with destroying a stranger’s windshield in broad daylight.

Harry & Son
Released: 1986
Directed by Paul Newman
Starring Paul Newman, Robby Benson, Ellen Barkin, Wilford Brimley, Judith Ivey, Ossie Davis, Morgan Freeman, Katherine Borowitz, Maury Chaykin, Joanne Woodward

Morgan Freeman makes an early film appearance in Harry & Son, though his role is a tiny one. He plays a factory foreman named Siemanowski who, in quick order, gets angry with and then fires a new employee named Howard Keach (Robby Benson). Howard is the son in Harry & Son and he’s such an annoying character that you’re happy when Freeman shows up and starts yelling at the little twit. As I said, Freeman’s role is a small one. Freeman’s only on screen for a few minutes. But, in that time, he calls Howard an idiot and it’s hard not to feel that he has a point.

Of course, the problem is that we’re not supposed to view Howard as being an idiot. Instead, we’re supposed to be on Howard’s side. Howard has ambitions to be the next Ernest Hemingway. However, his blue-collar father, Harry (Paul Newman, who also directed), demands that Howard get a job. Maybe, like us, he realizes how silly Howard looks whenever he gets hunched over his typewriter. (Robby Benson tries to pull off these “deep thought” facial expressions that simply have to be seen to be believed.) There’s actually two problems with Howard. First off, we never believe that he could possibly come up with anything worth reading. Secondly, it’s impossible to believe that Paul Newman could ever be the father of such an annoying little creep.

Harry, of course, has problems of his own. He’s just lost his construction job. He’s having to deal with the fact that he’s getting older. Fortunately, his son introduces him to a nymphomaniac (Judith Ivey). Eventually, it all ends with moments of triumph and tragedy, as these things often do.

As always, Newman is believable as a blue-collar guy who believes in hard work and cold beer. The film actually gets off to a good start, with Newman using a wrecking ball to take down an old building. But then Robby Benson shows up, hunched over that typewriter, and the film just becomes unbearable. At least Morgan Freeman’s around to yell at the annoying little jerk.

The Life of David Gale
Released: 2003
Directed by Alan Parker
Starring Kevin Spacey, Kate Winslet, Laura Linney, Gabriel Mann, Rhona Mitra, Leon Rippy, Matt Craven, Jim Beaver, Melissa McCarthy

For the record, while I won’t shed any tears whenever Dzhokahr Tsarnaev is finally executed, I’m against the death penalty. I think that once we accept the idea that the state has the right to execute people, it becomes a lot easier to accept the idea that the state has the right to do a lot of other things. Plus, there’s always the danger of innocent people being sent to die. The Life of David Gale also claims to be against the death penalty but it’s so obnoxious and self-righteous that I doubt it changed anyone’s mind.

David Gale (Kevin Spacey) used to the head of the philosophy department at the University of Texas. He used to be a nationally renowned activist against the death penalty. But then he was arrested for and convicted of the murder of another activist, Constance Harraway (Laura Linney) and now David Gale is sitting on death row himself. With his execution approaching, journalist Bitsey Bloom (Kate Winslet) is convinced that Gale was framed and she finds herself racing against time to prevent Texas from executing an innocent man…

There’s a lot of things wrong with The Life of David Gale. First off, it was made during the Bush administration, so the whole film is basically just a hate letter to the state of Texas. Never have I heard so many inauthentic accents in one film. Secondly, only in a truly bad movie, can someone have a name like Bitsey Bloom. Third, the whole film ends with this big twist that makes absolutely no sense and which nearly inspired me to throw a shoe at the TV.

Of course, the main problem with the film is that we’re asked to sympathize with a character played by Kevin Spacey. Even before Kevin Spacey was revealed to be a sleazy perv, he was never a particularly sympathetic or really even that versatile of an actor. (Both American Beauty and House of Cards tried to disguise this fact by surrounding him with cartoonish caricatures.) Spacey’s so snarky and condescending as Gale that, even if he is innocent of murder, it’s hard not to feel that maybe David Gale should be executed for crimes against likability.

TV Review: Twin Peaks: The Return Part 17 (dir by David Lynch)

Posted on September 3, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I imagine that there are a lot of upset people right now.

Maybe you’re one of them. Maybe, even as I sit here typing this, you are seething with rage. “18 hours and it ends with Cooper trapped in yet another fucked up situation, with Laura Palmer still screaming!? What the Hell!?”

Well, my advice would be to calm down. Did Twin Peaks: The Return ends on a conventional note? No. Has anything about Twin Peaks: The Return been conventional? Hell no. This is a David Lynch production, after all. And Lynch has never shown an interest in tidy endings. In fact, if anything, Lynch has never shown much of an interest in endings. Blue Velvet concluded with a fake bird. Lost Highway ended with Bill Pullman appearing to transform yet again. Even Mulholland Drive ended with that evil creature still living behind Winkie’s.

As far as I’m concerned, Twin Peaks: The Return provided 18 of the most intriguing hours in television history. Am I little bit frustrated that it didn’t end on a definite note of conclusion? Sure. (With 15 minutes left in Part 18, I found myself saying, “Uhmmm … what about Audrey?”) But I’ll tell you right, I’m going to have a lot of fun debating what it all meant. Art is not about easy solutions.

(For the record, next weekend, I’m going to binge watch all 18 hours and then maybe I’ll post my conclusions.)

It could be argued that this should not be called a conclusion. As Ryan pointed out in this week’s peaks, the story continues. There may or may not be another season on Showtime. There may or may not be another Twin Peaks movie. Hell, Mark Frost may or may not write another Twin Peaks book. And, if none of that happens, the story will continue in our imaginations.

I went back and forth on whether or not to review both Parts 17 and 18 together or separately. In the end, I decided to review them separately because I consider Part 17 to be the conclusion on the third season of Twin Peaks while Part 18 feels like it’s laying the groundwork for a fourth season.

Let’s get to it!

Things open in South Dakota, with Gordon Cole (David Lynch) lamenting to Albert (Miguel Ferrer) and Tammy (Chrysta Bell) that he couldn’t bring himself to shoot Diane. After Albert says that Cole is going soft, Cole replies, “Not where it counts, buddy.” That line made me laugh, despite myself. Lynch just has such a sincere way of delivering his lines.

Cole goes on to explain that, before his death, Major Briggs shared, with him and Cooper, his discovery of an extremely evil and negative force that, “in olden times,” was known as Jowday. Jowday eventually got shortened to Judy. Briggs, Cooper, and Cole put together a plan that could lead them to Judy. Apparently, before his disappearance, Philip Jeffries said that he was on the verge of discovering Judy. Cole theorizes that the Doppelganger is looking for Judy.

Suddenly, the phone rings. It’s Agent Headley (Jay R. Ferguson), calling from Las Vegas, to announce that they’ve found Dougie Jones but that Dougie disappeared again. Mullins (Don Murray) asks to speak to Cole and gives him a message from Cooper. Cooper is on his way to Twin Peaks, to see Sheriff Truman!

In the Twin Peaks Sheriff’s Department, the lock-up is still nosiy. The drunk (Jay Aaseng) and Deputy Chad (John Pirruccello) take turns taunting each other. Eyeless Naido (Nae Yuuki) continues to whimper. Freddie (Jake Wardle) and James (James Marshall) listen.

At the Great Northern, Ben (Richard Beymer) gets a call. Jerry’s turned up in Wyoming, apparently convinced that he can kill people with his binoculars. It might be time to say, “No more drugs for that man,” as far as Jerry is concerned.

The next morning, the Doppelganger (Kyle MacLachlan) wanders through the woods outside of Twin Peaks. The vortex opens above him. The Doppelganger vanishes.

In the building above the purple sea, the disembodied head of Major Briggs (Don S. Davis) floats between two pictures, one of the woods and one of the Palmer House. The Fireman (Carel Struycken) waves his hand. In the background, we hear the electrical hum that been haunting the Great Northern.

The Doppelganger materializes outside of the Twin Peaks sheriff’s station. As he walks towards it, he is seen by Deputy Andy (Harry Goaz). At first, I was worried that the Doppelganger was going to kill Deputy Andy but instead, he greets him with a cold, “Hello, Andy.”

Andy leads the Doppelganger into the station, where they meet Lucy (Kimmy Robertson) and Sheriff Truman (Robert Forster). When the Doppelganger turns down a cup of coffee, everyone knows something strange is happening. Then, Andy starts to have visions of him and Lucy standing in the lobby, looking at something.

Meanwhile, in the holding area, it turns out that Chad has got a key hidden in his shoe. He gets out of his cell and heads for the weapons locker. When Andy shows up, looking for Hawk, Chad comes at him with a raised gun. But fear not! Freddie Sykes uses his green glove of power to throw open the door his cell, smashing Chad in the face and knocking him out.

Meanwhile, Lucy informs Truman that he has a phone call and he really needs to take it. Reluctantly, Truman takes the call and finds himself talking to … DALE COOPER! Dale and the Mitchums have just entered the Twin Peaks city limits and are on their way to the station!

The Doppelganger, realizing what is happening, reaches inside his jacket for a gun when suddenly — bang! The Doppelganger crashes to the floor. Standing behind him, holding a gun, is Lucy!

(Making this scene especially satisfying is that, during the second season Twin Peaks, Lucy was exclusively given comedic subplots that had nothing to do with the main storyline. 25 years, she finally gets to save the day.)

Way to go, Lucy!

Cooper tells Truman to make sure that no one touches the Doppelganger’s body until he arrives. Andy steps into the office with Hawk, Naido, James, and Freddie. Suddenly, just as in Part 8, the woodsmen appear and start working on the Doppelganger’s body. While that happens, Cooper and the Mitchums show up. And then Cole, Albert, and Tammy show up. It’s getting crowded in that office!

Suddenly, the spirit of Killer BOB (represented by an orb that contains stock footage of Frank Silva) emerges from the Doppelganger’s body and lunges at Freddie. Despite getting bloodied in the process, Freddie is able to use his green glove of power to smash BOB’s face into a thousand pieces. Yay Freddie!

Cooper puts the ring on the Doppelganger’s finger. The Doppelganger vanishes. Yay Cooper!

Cooper gets the key to his former hotel room from Sheriff Truman. “Major Briggs told me Sheriff Truman would have it,” Cooper explains. (Yay Major Briggs!)

Now, what happens next is interesting. A lot of positive things happen. Bobby Briggs (Dana Asbrook) comes in the office and Cooper tells him that he and Major Briggs are proud of him. Blind Naido is revealed to actually be the real Diane, in disguise. (And yes, the real Diane still has eyes.) Cole and Albert are reunited with their friend. And yet, through the whole scene, we see the face of another Cooper, this one with a blank expression, superimposed over the action.

This was when I started to suspect that the finale might turn out to be a bit controversial. Are we seeing reality or are we watching a dream, a memory, or a wish? Not even the presence of the Mitchum girls in pink, passing out finger sandwiches, can change the ominous tone of all this otherwise positive scene.

Cooper glances at the clock in Truman’s office and sees that the minute hand seems to be stuck.

A distorted voice says, “We live inside a dream.”

Oh shit, I thought as I watched this scene, we’ve got 30 minutes left and things are about to get so seriously fucked up…

“I hope I see all of you again,” Cooper says, “every one of you.”

The room goes black. Cooper’s superimposed face continues to passively stare.

Suddenly, Cooper, Diane, and Cole are slowly walking down a dark hallway. I believe they’re in the Great Northern because, when they reach a door, Cooper uses his old hotel room key to open it. He tells Cole and Diane to wait behind and then he enters the room. “See you at the curtain call,” Cooper says.

Inside the room is MIKE (Al Strobel) who recites the Fire Walk With Me poem. MIKE leads Cooper up a staircase and into the room the holds the metal device the contains the spirit of Philip Jeffries. Cooper asks to be sent back to February 23rd, 1989, the night of the death of Laura Palmer.

“Cooper,” Jeffries says, “remember…”

“ELECTRICITY!” MIKE exclaims.

Suddenly, Cooper’s back in 1989. He’s watching Laura (Sheryl Lee) sneak out of her house and jump on the back of James Hurley’s motorcycle while a jealous Leland (Ray Wise) watches from his window. Cooper watches them in the woods, listening as Laura tells James that Bobby killed a man. (This is true. Before he became everyone’s favorite lawman, Bobby shot a Canadian drug runner in Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. I always wondered if that would be acknowledged.)

Cooper watches the familiar scene play out but, when Laura jumps off of James’s motorcycle, Cooper steps forward and changes history. Instead of allowing Laura to walk off to be murdered, Cooper tells her that he is taking her home. “I saw you in my dreams,” Laura says.

The next morning, we see another familiar sight: Laura’s body on the shore, wrapped in plastic. The body disappears. In archived footage from the original Twin Peaks pilot, we watch as Pete Martell (Jack Nance) says good morning to Catherine (Piper Laurie) and then heads out to fish. Except, this time, there’s no body to distract him. Instead of calling the police and reporting a murder, Pete goes fishing.

(It’s a sweet image and it was nice to see that, despite having been dead for 21 years, Jack Nance, who starred in Eraserhead and was the former husband of Catherine “Log Lady” Coulson, still appeared in the revival. Part 17 was dedicated to his memory.)

Where is Laura? Despite not being dead, she’s not in her house. However, Sarah Palmer (Grace Zabriskie) is. Sarah is smashing the famous picture of Laura as homecoming queen into little pieces. Disturbingly, this would seem to indicate that, at the time that Laura was being abused and eventually murdered by her father, Sarah was not a bystander but was instead possessed by the same evil that possessed Leland.

Cooper leads Laura through the woods. Suddenly, Laura screams and is gone.

Standing in front the red curtains of the Black Lodge, Julee Cruise sings.

End credits.

On to Part 18, which I am about to rewatch after which I will write up a review. It might be a few hours. Until then, why not check out some of the other 81 Twin Peaks-related posts that we’ve published this year at the Shattered Lens!

Twin Peaks on TSL:

18 Initial Thoughts on Twin Peaks: The Return Part 17 (dir by David Lynch)

Posted on September 3, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Here we go.

Tonight’s the night. Tonight is the finale of Twin Peaks: The Return. As always, I will be jotting down my initial thoughts while watching the episode. I’ll post a full recap and review either later tonight or tomorrow.

(And, as always, keep an eye out for the latest edition of Ryan’s This Week’s Peaks.)

Here are my initial thoughts:

Watching the opening credits for the final time actually get me a little emotional.
“Not where it counts, old buddy.” Someone please write a pilot where Gordon Cole retires to a small town and gives everyone folksy advice.
“Has my watch stopped or is that one of the Marx brothers?” Oh my God, we’re going to miss Miguel Ferrer.
Jerry may need to cut down on the weed.
Oh no! Please don’t let any harm come to Andy!
The Doppelganger turning down a cup of coffee should be all Andy needs to figure that he’s not the real Cooper.
Freddie Sykes and his glove of power!
Oh my God, Lucy to the rescue!
Oh dammit, there’s the Woodsmen. Hurry, Cooper!
Oh my God, they brought the finger sandwiches all the way up to Twin Peaks. That’s great.
“We live inside a dream.”
That’s right! Bobby did shoot a Canadian drug smuggler in the head. I was wondering if that would ever be mentioned again.
Now that Cooper’s overhead that Bobby killed a man, is he going to arrest him if he ever gets out of 1989? There’s no statute of limitations on murder.
There’s Leo in the flashback. I assume that he was killed by all spiders in between the end of season 2 and this revival.
Could Cooper keep Laura from dying? Can the past be changed?
“We’re going home.” Oh my God! Tears in my eyes, no joke.
Jack Nance!
Oh My God. At least I don’t have to wait a week to see what happens next…

Twin Peaks on TSL:

TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.18 “On the Wings of Love” (dir by Duwayne Dunham)

Posted on April 27, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Welcome back to Twin Peaks!

This episode opens at the Bookhouse, where lingerie-clad Jones (Brenda Strong) is climbing on top of Harry (Michael Ontkean). Harry, in his whiskey-dazed state, thinks that she is Josie (Joan Chen). He comes to his senses right when Jones wraps a garrote around his neck and starts to strangle him. Harry manages to overpower her, leaving her knocked out cold on the couch.

At the Great Northern, Audrey (Sherilyn Fenn) delivers room service to Wheeler (Billy Zane). I am not sure what to make of Wheeler. I know that he was brought in so that Audrey would have a love interest other than Cooper but, since he’s played by Billy Zane, I don’t trust him.

At the sheriff’s station, Harry tells Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan) that he has not been able to get anything out of Jones. She wants to talk to the South African consulate. Harry wonders why Eckhardt would have wanted him dead. “Sexual jealousy,” Cooper replies before saying that it is good to have Harry back.

In the sheriff’s office, Doctor Hayward (Warren Frost), Harry, and Cooper look at a Bonsai tree that was delivered that morning. Harry looks at the card. It was a present from Josie. Before Harry can get too depressed, Hayward tells them about Windom Earle coming back his house and he shows them the knight that Earle gave to Donna.

Gordon Cole (David Lynch) enters the office, yelling as always and making Harry’s headache worse. Cole shouts that he has just come from Bend, Oregon, that he is bringing Cooper the classified portion of Windom Earle’s file and that he is reinstating Cooper in the FBI.

What no one knows is that the Bonsai tree is hiding a microphone and Windom Earle (Kenneth Welsh) is listening to every word that they say. Earle complains to Leo (Eric Da Re) that Cooper is refusing to play fair. Earle has Leo pick three cards. They are all queens — Queen Donna, Queen Audrey, and Queen Shelly. Earle has Leo pick a king card — “Little Dale.” Earle reaches behind Leo’s ear and produces one more card — the Queen of Hearts. The Queen of Hearts will be whoever is named Miss Twin Peaks.

Cole tells Cooper that, in the institution, Earle was put on the same drug that the One-Armed Man used. Cooper notices that Earle was involved with Project Blue Book, just like Major Briggs. Cooper says that there is some definite linkage, which makes Cole think of sausage patties and breakfast.

At the Great Northern, Donna (Lara Flynn Boyle) spies on her mother, Eileen (Mary Jo Deschanel), meeting with Ben Horne (Richard Beymer). Donna goes to the front desk and, as Mike (Gary Hershberger) and Nadine (Wendy Robie) check out, Donna asks to speak with Audrey. When Audrey comes out, Donna asks her if there’s any reason why Donna’s mother would visiting Audrey’s father. Audrey leads Donna to the secret passageway so that they can spy on their respective parents in Ben’s office.

In the office, Eileen tries to get Ben to take a bundle of letters but he refuses, saying that they are her letters. They were written to her. Ben says that he hasn’t held Eileen for nearly 20 years. Ben asks if Eileen has “told her.” Eileen tells Ben to stay away from her and to never come by the house again.

At the diner, Cole, Harry, and Cooper show up for breakfast. While hungover Harry is busy throwing up, Cooper and Cole get a booth. Cole spies Shelly and shouts, “What a beauty!” Cole walks over to the counter and loudly asks Shelly if he might ask her for a cup of coffee “and in the process, engage you with an anecdote of no small amusement.” Shelly says that he doesn’t have to shout and Cole is shocked to discover that he can hear her, even when she is speaking in her normal voice.

Back at the booth, Harry and Cooper are debating cars when Annie (Heather Graham) comes over and pours them both a cup of coffee. Cooper and Annie flirt while Harry Days music plays in the background. Annie notices that Cooper has drawn a picture of the three marks on Major Briggs’s neck and tells him that the same design can be found at Owl Cave. Cooper tells Harry that he has to see this Owl Cave.

At the Hayward house, Donna gets a postcard from James. He says that he is in San Francisco. When Dr. Hayward steps into the room, Donna tells him that Ben visited yesterday. Dr. Hayward tells her that Eileen and Ben are probably just working on a charity together. Suddenly, roses arrive. They are for Eileen. There’s no card.

At the library, Audrey is getting a book on political science and civil disobedience when she runs into pipe-smoking Edward Perkins, who is actually Windom Earle in disguise. Perkins says that he is a professor who teaches a class in poetry so Audrey asks him about the poem that she received. Perkins tells her that it is by Shelley and that Audrey looks like a queen. Realizing that there is something strange about Edward Perkins, Audrey says that she has to go and makes a hasty exit.

At the diner, Annie finds an advertisement for Miss Twin Peaks. Shelly asks her if she is going to enter but Annie says life is already strange enough without wearing high heels and a bathing suit. Annie says that it’s also strange being around men again and asks Shelley what she knows about Cooper. Shelly tells Annie to go for it.

Back at station, Lucy (Kimmy Robertson) thanks Andy (Harry Goaz) for helping out during yesterday’s weasel riot. “That’s more than a certain Dick did,” Lucy says.

At the Great Northern, Ben is talking to Audrey about the Kennedy Brothers. Ben says that he needs Audrey to be his Bobby Kennedy. He needs her to be by his side, always willing to tell him the truth. Ben apologizes for not being a better father and then says that he needs Audrey to go to Seattle to meet with the environmentalists. When Wheeler steps into the office, Audrey says she is not sure that she can leave on short notice but Ben will hear nothing of it.

After Audrey leaves, Ben confesses to Wheeler that he is not really sure how to be good. Ben asks Wheeler, “What’s the secret?” Wheeler tells him to keep his eye on his heart and always tell the truth. Wheeler confesses that he is falling in love with Audrey. He and Ben eat a carrot.

Meanwhile, Johnny Horne (Robert Bauer) is outside, shooting rubber arrows at wooden buffaloes.

That night, at Owl Cave, Cooper, Andy, Harry, and Hawk (Michael Horse) explore. They find the markings on the cave and discover that they are a combination of the markings on the Major’s neck and the Log Lady’s leg.

Thanks to wonders of incredibly primitive CGI, an owl flies around the cave. Andy panics and swings his pickaxe, accidentally embedding it in the symbol. Part of the wall falls away, revealing a stone lever that is decorated with a petroglyph on an owl. Cooper smiles and says he does not know where this is going to lead but he is sure it will be somewhere “both wonderful and strange.”

Annie sits alone in the Great Northern cocktail lounge, when Cooper, fresh from Owl Cave, enters. Annie tells Cooper that it is strange being back in the real world. Cooper notices the scars on her wrist. Annie says that she worries that she might try again. Annie tells Cooper that some people think that she is strange. Cooper says that he knows the feeling.

Back at Owl Cave, Earle sneaks in and sees the lever. He turns it and, as the episode ends, the entire cave starts to shake.

This episode, which played like a cross between Picket Fences and Lost, shows just how much of an identity crisis Twin Peaks suffered during its second season. Is it a comedy? Is it a romance? Is it supernatural? No one seems to know.

The best part of the episode was the trip to the Owl Cave and Ben’s conversation with Audrey. The worst part of the episode? Annie, who spent a few years in a convent but is written like an Amish girl on rumspringa.

Up next: Variations on Relations.

Previous Entries in The TSL’s Look At Twin Peaks:

TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.15 “Slaves and Masters” (dir by Diane Keaton)

Posted on April 24, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“Get a life, punk!”

— Albert Rosenfield (Miguel Ferrer) in Twin Peaks 2.15 “Slaves and Masters”

Well, it had to happen some time.

We have reached the “Slave and Masters” episode of Twin Peaks. Judging from what I’ve read online, most fans seem feel that this episoode was the worst in the show’s history. Myself, I don’t know whether it is or isn’t. I’m writing this introduction before watching the episode. I guess I’ll know soon enough.

Interestingly enough, this episode was directed by actress Diane Keaton. When I first saw Keaton’s name listed as director, I assumes that she must have been a fan of the show and that she lobbied for the chance to direct an episode. However, according to Relections: An Oral History of Twin Peaks by Brad Dukes, the opposite was true. While the cast all liked and respected Keaton as a director, there was also a feeling that she didn’t seem to actually know much about the show. Considering that the show had suffered a severe ratings decline during the 2nd season, it seems probable that Keaton was hired to direct in an attempt to generate some new interest in the once hot show.

If that was the plan, it didn’t work. Apparently, the ratings for this episode were so low that Twin Peaks was put on hiatus a week after it aired. It was only due to a letter-writing campaign that ABC decided to air the last six episodes of the season. In short, it can be argued that this episode was truly the beginning of the end for Twin Peaks‘s original network run.

So, with all that in mind, let’s take a look at the 23rd episode of Twin Peaks, “Slaves and Masters.”

As always, we begin with the haunting opening credits and Angelo Badalamenti’s lushly romantic (yet ominously threatening) score. The mood has been set. We have returned to the world of Twin Peaks.

After the credits, we immediately cut to a close-up of a chess board. In slow motion, the camera glides over all of the pieces. The Queen, The pawns, the King, the Bishop, the little horsey guy. (I don’t know much about chess, sorry.)

Suddenly, we’re no longer looking at chess pieces. Instead, the camera is panning up the legs of Evelyn Marsh (Annette McCarthy), who is dressed in black and even wearing a black veil and — OH MY GOD, HAS THIS STORYLINE NOT BEEN RESOLVED YET!? Seriously, when people talk about Season 2 not being as inspired as Season 1, they’re talking about this half-assed film noir rip-off that James (James Marshall) rode into after he hopped on his motorcycle and left Twin Peaks. From the minute that Evelyn first showed up, I knew exactly what was going to happen with her, James, and her husband. Much like the whole Audrey kidnapping subplot, the Evelyn Marsh subplot should not have lasted any longer than an episode and a half. Instead, it’s still going on!

Anyway, the cops are talking to Evelyn and Malcolm (Nicholas Love) about how someone might have killed her husband. Malcolm is quick to blame James but Evelyn seems a little bit more conflicted about it. There is a funny moment when Malcolm says that James was hired to fix the Jaguar and the cop can’t figure out how to spell Jaguar. That made me laugh but, otherwise, this whole scene felt predictable and unnecessary.

Meanwhile, at Wallie’s Bar, a dozen cops are sitting at the bar, smoking cigars and listening to opera music. (Weird image is weird but it’s just weirdness for the sake of weirdness.) James and Donna (Lara Flynn Boyle) are in a corner of the bar. Donna says that they need to get help but James is all like, “I don’t need nobody!” He says that Malcolm framed him and that he just needs to talk to Evelyn.

Donna goes to call Ed but ends up having to talk to Nadine instead. Though we only hear Donna’s side of the conversation, it sounds like Nadine is talking about her new boyfriend. If her new boyfriend is Mike (Gary Hershberger) than that means that Nadine is now dating Donna’s ex and yet, Donna seems to be remarkably okay with that.

Back at the Sheriff’s station, Harry (Michael Ontkean) and Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan) are interrogating Bobby (Dana Ashbrook) and Shelly (Madchen Amick). Bobby wants to know why Harry and Cooper aren’t making more of an effort to track down Leo. Cooper asks Bobby about the night that the mill burned down. Bobby lies and says that Hank Jennings shot Leo.

Harry says that he’ll have some deputies watch the house. Bobby claims that he’s all the protection that Shelly needs. (For some reason, Bobby is acting like a methhead in this scene.) When Bobby and Shelly leave, they pass Albert Rosenfield (Miguel Ferrer), who takes one look at Bobby and shouts, “Get a life, punk!”

(We love you, Albert!)

After giving Harry an out-of-character bear hug (but that’s okay because I like it when dudes hug it out), Albert explains that he’s been sent to Twin Peaks by Gordon Cole. He has brought with him a picture of Windom Earle, in which Windom looks like an extra in a 1930s gangster movie. He also brings the news that Windom has been mailing different pieces of clothing to police agencies across the country.

Windom has mailed:

1. A white veil

2. A garter

3. A pair of white slippers

4. A peal necklace

5. A wedding dress

Oh my God, I said as Albert listed the items, Windom Earle is marrying Pippa Middleton!

Cooper says that the clothing belonged to Windom’s dead wife (and Cooper’s ex-lover), Caroline. Albert says that Windom is definitely making his move and then says that Cooper looks good in the muted earth tones of a flannel shirt. That was nice of Albert.

Meanwhile, in his cabin, Windom Earle (Kenneth Welsh) plays a flute while Leo (Eric Da Re) lies on the floor. (I have to be honest that these cabin scenes between Windom and Leo made me think about Peter Boyle burning down Gene Hackman’s hut in Young Frankenstein.) Once Leo wakes up, Windom — who was previously described as having a mind like a diamond, cold and precise — starts acting like a Satanic little wood sprite. He jumps around the cabin. He says a lot of evil quips. He beats Leo with a flute and then reveals that he’s placed a collar around Leo’s neck. Windom can electrocute Leo whenever he feels like it. Windom forces Leo to eat gruel while Windom pretends to be a kitty cat. “Purrrr,” he says.

(Windom’s a genius so why is he acting like a sadistic towel manager?)

We cut to Ed (Everett McGill) laying in bed with Norma (Peggy Lipton) and talking about how it’s been twenty years since they first fell in love. They agree that it’s sucked not being together. Suddenly, they hear Nadine (Wendy Robie) arriving home. Norma starts to leave but Ed says, “No, no. We may as well talk to her now.” Sure, Ed — have this conversation with Nadine while you and Norma are laying in bed in your underwear. That’ll really avoid any hurt feelings.

Suddenly, Nadine rips the bedroom door off of its hinges. She comes into the room, carrying a wrestling trophy, and then jumps into bed with Ed and Norma. Nadine apologizes for beating up Hank and then says that she knows about the two of them. Nadine says it’s okay because she’s in love with Mike now.

Cut to the Martell house, where Harry and Cooper are talking to Josie (Joan Chen) about what happened to her in Seattle. Josie says she doesn’t know who killed Jonathan. Harry begs Josie to tell him the truth. Out of nowhere, a surprisingly cheerful Cooper announces, “I think I’ll get another cup of Joe!”

(Somewhere, Joe Biden looks up and says, “Oh my God, they’re talking about me in an old episode of Twin Peaks!” No, Joe, they’re not. Sorry. Maybe later.)

While Cooper’s getting more coffee, Pete (Jack Nance) stumbles in. He has picked up the dry cleaning and can barely see above all of the clothes that he’s holding. He and Cooper do that thing where, instead of being smart and putting the clothes somewhere first, they stand around and attempt to have a conversation, despite the fact that Pete is about fall over backwards. When the phone rings, Pete gives the clothes to Cooper and now its Cooper’s turn to struggle to remain standing. Eventually, Cooper puts the clothes on a chair (was that so hard!?) and then picks one thread off of a jacket.

Speaking of Josie, the phone call was for her. It turns out that the call is from Thomas Eckhardt (David Warner) and he is wondering if he and Josie could get together. Thomas reveals that he is responsible for Jonathan’s death.

After hanging up the phone, Thomas and his assistant, Jones (Brenda Strong), stare at a black trunk.

Meanwhile, Ben Horne (Richard Beymer) is apparently still convinced that he’s a Civil War general because he’s talking to Dr. Jacoby (Russ Tamblyn) about Stonewall Jackson. Much like all that stuff with Evelyn Marsh, this is a plotline that should have been resolved after an episode and a half. Instead, it’s been dragged out way past the point of being amusing. The Ben-Goes-Crazy storyline is the epitome of how Season 2 abandoned surrealism in favor of just being weird for the sake of being weird.

It turns out that Ben and Jacoby have an audience. Audrey (Sherilyn Fenn) and Jerry (David Patrick Kelly) are listening. Johnny Horne (Robert Bauer) is rocking back and forth while wearing a Native American headdress. And there’s a few members of the Hotel Staff, who have been transformed into some sort of marching band.

While Ben rants in his really crummy Southern accent, Jerry and Audrey leave the office. Audrey is worried about her father but Jerry seems to be fairly indifferent. (Needless to say, this goes against everything that we’ve previously seen about Jerry and his relationship with Ben.) Audrey points out that, conveniently enough, she is set to inherit the entire Horne business empire if anything happens to Ben and that Jerry better do what she says or she’ll cut him off.

Audrey returns to Ben’s office, where Dr. Jacoby looks perplexed. Audrey walks up to him and says she wants her father to turn back to normal. Jacoby says that he’s got it all taken care of. Bobby shows up, dressed like a Confederate soldier. Ben sings Dixie. Can this storyline just end, please!?

Meanwhile, at Walli’s, Evelyn is still dressed in black. Though the bar appears to be closed (there are chairs on the tables and everything), Evelyn is drinking. Suddenly, Donna walks up to her. Why is Donna still there? How much school can you miss in Twin Peaks? Why are Evelyn and Donna both hanging out in a bar that appears to be closed?

Suddenly, the bartender wanders by, lingering just long enough for Evelyn to order Donna a drink, “one that has a little umbrella in it.” Okay, is this bar closed or open? If it’s open, why are the tables covered in chairs? This stuff is confusing, especially for a non-drinker like me.

Anyway, Donna gets mad when Evelyn says that she won’t help James. Evelyn explains that life is crap. (Her words.) Suddenly, Malcolm (Nicholas Love) shows up and tells Evelyn to go home. He then threatens Donna and Donna reacts by yelling and then crying.

Back at the station, Albert reveals that the thread that Cooper found was from the carpet outside of Cooper’s hotel room. Apparently, this proves that it was Josie who shot Cooper at the end of Season 1. Bad Josie!

After swearing Albert to secrecy, Cooper heads to Harry’s office, where Harry is playing darts. Harry tells Cooper that the dead vagrant has been identified as being Eric Powell, a former member of the Merchant Marines.

“Powell was Caroline’s maiden name!” Cooper says.

Cooper says that this is all a big chess game to Windom. Harry says that, if Cooper needs a chess expert, they have one of the best right in town. And his name is Pete Martell!

At the diner, Pete shows of his mad chess skills by playing and winning four games at once. Cooper is impressed and invites Pete to help him play Windom’s chess game. Pete better be good because, every time that Cooper loses a piece, Windom is going to kill an innocent person.

Shelly walks into the diner and asks Norma if she needs any help. Norma hires her back. Then Harry shows up and says that he needs to talk to Norma. They slip into the kitchen where Harry explains that Hank is going away for a long time. Norma’s okay with that but I’m not. Hank may be a sociopath but he’s hella charming.

That night, Thomas shows up at the Martell house, where he is greeted by Catherine (Piper Laurie). Thomas appears to be slightly surprised by the sight of Josie in her maid’s uniform. Thomas and Catherine drink wine, eat dinner, and discuss art and killing. It quickly becomes apparent that Thomas has shown up to take Josie and that Catherine is more than willing to allow him to do that, for a price.

Meanwhile, at the Marsh house, Evelyn is stunned when James shows up in the living room and demands to know why Evelyn killed her husband and attempted to frame him. James says that it was hella lame to manipulate him with everything that he’s been going through. Evelyn confesses to everything. She says that she set James up. She says she did it for the money and also just because she felt like doing it.

Suddenly, Malcolm barges into the room and knocks James out. Malcolm says that they can now kill James and claim that it was self-defense. And you know what? He has a point. Bye, James.

Meanwhile, Ben and the gang recreate another Civil War battle. This whole Civil War subplot is so freaking stupid that I don’t even feel like talking about it anymore. While pretending to be General U.S. Grant, Dr. Jacoby announces that he’s surrendering. Having won the Civil War, Ben proceeds to faint. When he wakes up, Ben says that he had the strangest dream about being a general during the Civil War. He even does the whole “And you were there …. and you … and you!” thing. Anyway, Ben appears to be back to normal.

At the cabin, Windom is putting on a disguise. He continues to torment Leo with the electroshock collar.

At the Marsh mansion, James is still unconscious on the floor while Malcolm and Evelyn look down on him. Donna watches from outside the window. When Malcolm repeats that they can kill James and make it look like self-defense, Donna runs into the living room and screams, “NO!”

As Evelyn watches Donna cry over a motionless James, she stands up. Uh-oh, she’s got a gun. Evelyn shoots Malcolm and then says that she’ll frame Malcolm for her husband’s death though I don’t think it’ll be that difficult a frame-up because Malcolm is actually guilty.

At the Great Northern, Cooper walks down a hallway and stops in front of an elevator. He looks at a picture of Caroline that he has in his wallet. As he does this, a poorly disguised Windom Earle steps off the elevator. Windom goes to the front desk an drops off a note for Audrey. (Oh, goddamnit, is this going to be the start of yet another Audrey-gets-kidnapped storyline?) He also notices several postcards that all feature owls. “Owls,” he says.

Cooper arrives back at his room. He finds a white mask on his bed. Windom Earle has been there and he’s left a taunting message. The episode ends with Windom’s line: “It’s your move.”

Agck!

As for this episode, it definitely felt a bit off. The main problem is that it focused on two largely uninteresting subplots — Evelyn Marsh and the Civil War — and portrayed Windom Earle as so cartoonishly evil that it’s hard to believe that he could also be the villainous mastermind that Cooper’s spent the last few episodes describing. It was a weak episode but at least it finished off the whole Evelyn Marsh thing.

Always look on the bright side of life.

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