Insomnia File #66: Ghosts Can’t Do It (dir by John Derek)


What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or streaming? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

If you find yourself having trouble getting to sleep tonight or tomorrow, you may want to try watching 1989’s Ghosts Can’t Do It.  It won’t necessarily put you to sleep but it will give you something to ponder while you lie in bed and stare up at the ceiling.  For instance, how exactly did this movie get produced without anyone coming up with a better title than Ghosts Can’t Do It?

Bo Derek plays Kate, the wife of elderly billionaire Scott (played by Anthony Quinn, who appears to be drunk in the majority of his scenes).  Despite their age difference, Kate and Scott are deeply in love.  When they’re not playing in the snow and riding horses around the ranch, they’re having sex.  “Sex, sex, sex, sex!” the movie seems to chant in almost every scene.  But then Anthony Quinn has a heart attack, which in this film means that he spends what appears to be hours lying in the snow while trading jokes with Kate.  (It’s important to be able to joke with your partner but if my man had a heart attack, my first reaction would be to get a doctor.)

Scott survives his heart attack but he’s told that, in his weakened state, he can no longer have sex.  Also, he can’t get a new heart because he’s too old.  Facing a future without sex, Scott shoots himself.  Fortunately, Scott’s guardian angel (Julie Newmar) takes sympathy on him and sends his spirt back down to Earth.  Only Kate can see and hear him and, while she’s happy to be reunited with him, they are both upset to discover that ghosts can’t do it.

Scott comes up with a plan.  Kate needs to find a young, virile lover and then murder him so that Scott can possess his body and then he and Kate can have sex whenever they feel like it.  Because that plan makes total sense and there’s no way that it could lead to Kate’s soul being damned to an eternity in Hell, Kate agrees.  Kate travels the world, having sex and looking for a man who will be able to please her after she has murdered him.  Eventually, Kate meets a charming young criminal named Fausto (Leo Damian) and decides that he’ll do.  Scott can’t wait to inhabit Fausto’s body but Kate suddenly realizes that she might not have it in her to be a murderer!  Well, she’ll never know unless she tries.  (I never thought that I would be able to shoot down a drone but then, one night in December….)

While all of this is going on, Kate is handling Scott’s business affairs.  This leads to a meeting with a famous and ruthless businessman named Donald Trump.  Yes, the 45 and 47th President of the United States plays himself in this film.  Kate and Trump meet in a conference room to discuss a deal.  Kate mentions that she read Trump’s book.  Trump smiles and nods.  They have hard-boiled business dialogue.  Kate tells Trump that he’s “too pretty” to be as ruthless as he is.  ‘You noticed,” Trump says.  It’s a pretty dumb scene but, from a historical point-of-view, it’s a reminder of the fact that, long before he was elected President, Trump was already a ubiquitous figure on the American pop cultural scene.

Ghosts Can’t Do It is definitely a misfire, albeit one that is such a huge misfire that it become interesting in the same way that trainwrecks are often interesting.  Almost everything about it, from the dialogue to the attempts at humor to the nearly unreadable font that is used for the opening credits, feels wrong.  There is one brief moment that works, in which Kate dances with her ghost husband and, for the first and only time in the film, we see a flicker of genuine chemistry between Bo Derek and Anthony Quinn.  (Bo Derek, I will mention, is not quite as bad an actress as her reputation suggests.  It’s just that she should have been playing campy soap opera villainesses on late night television as opposed to starring in her husband’s crackpot films.)  Otherwise, this movie is perhaps the worst movie to ever feature both a two-time Oscar winner and a future President.  And, for that reason, it’s a watchable curiosity.  It’s just what insomnia demands.

Previous Insomnia Files:

  1. Story of Mankind
  2. Stag
  3. Love Is A Gun
  4. Nina Takes A Lover
  5. Black Ice
  6. Frogs For Snakes
  7. Fair Game
  8. From The Hip
  9. Born Killers
  10. Eye For An Eye
  11. Summer Catch
  12. Beyond the Law
  13. Spring Broke
  14. Promise
  15. George Wallace
  16. Kill The Messenger
  17. The Suburbans
  18. Only The Strong
  19. Great Expectations
  20. Casual Sex?
  21. Truth
  22. Insomina
  23. Death Do Us Part
  24. A Star is Born
  25. The Winning Season
  26. Rabbit Run
  27. Remember My Name
  28. The Arrangement
  29. Day of the Animals
  30. Still of The Night
  31. Arsenal
  32. Smooth Talk
  33. The Comedian
  34. The Minus Man
  35. Donnie Brasco
  36. Punchline
  37. Evita
  38. Six: The Mark Unleashed
  39. Disclosure
  40. The Spanish Prisoner
  41. Elektra
  42. Revenge
  43. Legend
  44. Cat Run
  45. The Pyramid
  46. Enter the Ninja
  47. Downhill
  48. Malice
  49. Mystery Date
  50. Zola
  51. Ira & Abby
  52. The Next Karate Kid
  53. A Nightmare on Drug Street
  54. Jud
  55. FTA
  56. Exterminators of the Year 3000
  57. Boris Karloff: The Man Behind The Monster
  58. The Haunting of Helen Walker
  59. True Spirit
  60. Project Kill
  61. Replica
  62. Rollergator
  63. Hillbillys In A Haunted House
  64. Once Upon A Midnight Scary
  65. Girl Lost

The Emmys Suck and Here’s A List of the Major Nominees!


Earlier today, I posted my emmy picks.

Well, here’s what was actually nominated.  As you look over this list, you’ll see that — while Twin Peaks did receive 9 nominations — it was shunned in the major categories.  Kyle MacLachlan was nominated for Best Actor.  Twin Peaks was not nominated for Best Limited Series.

Oh!  But hey — Alec Baldwin got another nomination for doing his part to reelect Donald Trump.

The Emmys suck.

COMEDY

BEST COMEDY SERIES
“Atlanta”
“Barry”
“Black-ish”
“Curb Your Enthusiasm”
“GLOW”
“The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”
“Silicon Valley”
“The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”

BEST COMEDY ACTOR
Anthony Anderson (“black-ish”
Ted Danson (“The Good Place”
Larry David (“Curb Your Enthusiasm”
Donald Glover (“Atlanta”)
Bill Hader (“Barry”)
William H. Macy (“Shameless”)

BEST COMEDY ACTRESS
Pamela Adlon (“Better Things”)
Rachel Brosnahan (“The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”)
Allison Janney (“Mom)
Issa Rae (“Insecure”)
Tracee Ellis Ross (“black-ish”)
Lily Tomlin (“Grace & Frankie”)

BEST COMEDY SUPPORTING ACTOR
Louie Anderson (“Baskets”)
Alec Baldwin (“Saturday Night Live”)
Tituss Burgess (“Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”)
Tony Shalhoub (“The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”)
Kenan Thompson (“Saturday Night Live”)
Henry Winkler (“Barry”)

BEST COMEDY SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Zazie Beetz (“Atlanta”)
Alex Borstein (“The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”)
Aidy Bryant (“Saturday Night Live”)
Betty Gilpin (“GLOW”)
Leslie Jones (“Saturday Night Live”)
Kate McKinnon (“Saturday Night Live”)
Laurie Metcalf (“Roseanne”)
Megan Mullally (“Will & Grace”)

BEST COMEDY GUEST ACTOR
Sterling K. Brown (“Brooklyn Nine-Nine”)
Bryan Cranston (“Curb Your Enthusiasm”)
Donald Glover (“Saturday Night Live”)
Bill Hader (“Saturday Night Live”)
Lin-Manuel Miranda (“Curb Your Enthusiasm”)
Katt Williams (“Atlanta”)

BEST COMEDY GUEST ACTRESS
Tina Fey (“Saturday Night Live”)
Tiffany Haddish (“Saturday Night Live”)
Jane Lynch (“The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”)
Maya Rudolph (“The Good Place”)
Molly Shannon (“Will & Grace”)
Wanda Sykes (“Black-ish”)

DRAMA

BEST DRAMA SERIES
“The Handmaid’s Tale”
“Game of Thrones”
“This Is Us”
“The Crown”
“The Americans”
“Stranger Things”
“Westworld”

BEST DRAMA ACTOR
Jason Bateman (“Ozark”)
Sterling K. Brown (“This Is Us”)
Ed Harris (“Westworld”)
Matthew Rhys (“The Americans”)
Milo Ventimiglia (“This Is Us”)
Jeffrey Wright (“Westworld”)

BEST DRAMA ACTRESS
Claire Foy (“The Crown”)
Tatiana Maslany (“Orphan Black”)
Elisabeth Moss (“The Handmaid’s Tale”)
Sandra Oh (“Killing Eve”)
Keri Russell (“The Americans”)
Evan Rachel Wood (“Westworld”)

BEST DRAMA SUPPORTING ACTOR
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (“Game of Thrones”)
Peter Dinklage (“Game of Thrones”)
Joseph Fiennes (“The Handmaid’s Tale”)
David Harbour (“Stranger Things”)
Mandy Patinkin (“Homeland”)
Matt Smith (“The Crown”)

BEST DRAMA SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Alexis Bledel (“The Handmaid’s Tale”)
Millie Bobby Brown (“Stranger Things”)
Ann Dowd (“The Handmaid’s Tale”)
Lena Headey (“Game of Thrones”)
Thandie Newton (“Westworld”)
Yvonne Strahovski (“The Handmaid’s Tale”)

BEST DRAMA GUEST ACTOR
F. Murray Abraham (“Homeland”)
Cameron Britton (“Mindhunter”)
Matthew Goode (“The Crown”)
Ron Cephas Jones (“This Is Us”)
Gerald McRaney (“This Is Us”)
Jimmi Simpson (“Westworld”)

BEST DRAMA GUEST ACTRESS
Viola Davis (“Scandal”)
Kelly Jenrette (The Handmaid’s Tale”)
Cherry Jones (“The Handmaid’s Tale”)
Diana Rigg (“Game of Thrones”)
Cicely Tyson (“How to Get Away With Murder”)
Samira Wiley (“The Handmaid’s Tale”)

MOVIE/MINI

BEST LIMITED SERIES
“The Alienist”
“The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story”
“Genius: Picasso”
“Godless”
“Patrick Melrose”

BEST TV MOVIE
“Fahrenheit 451” (HBO)
“Flint” (Lifetime)
“Paterno” (HBO)
“The Tale” (HBO)
“Black Mirror: USS Callister” (Netflix)

BEST MOVIE/MINI ACTOR
Antonio Banderas (“Genius: Picasso”)
Darren Criss (“The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story”)
Benedict Cumberbatch (“Patrick Melrose”)
Jeff Daniels (“The Looming Tower”)
John Legend (“Jesus Christ Superstar”)
Jesse Plemons (“USS Callister”)

BEST MOVIE/MINI ACTRESS
Laura Dern (“The Tale”)
Jessica Biel (“The Sinner”)
Michelle Dockery (“Godless”)
Edie Falco (“The Menendez Murders”)
Regina King (“Seven Seconds”)
Sarah Paulson (“American Horror Story: Cult”)

BEST MOVIE/MINI SUPPORTING ACTOR
Jeff Daniels (“Godless”)
Brandon Victor Dixon (“Jesus Christ Superstar”)
John Leguizamo (“Waco”)
Ricky Martin (“The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story”)
Edgar Ramirez (“The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story”)
Michael Stuhlbarg (“The Looming Tower”)
Finn Wittrock (“The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story”)

BEST MOVIE/MINI SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Sara Bareilles (“Jesus Christ Superstar Live In Concert”)
Penelope Cruz (“The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story”)
Judith Light (“The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story”)
Adina Porter (“American Horror Story: Cult”)
Merritt Wever (“Godless”)
Letitia Wright (“Black Museum” (Black Mirror)

Music Video of the Day: In Another Life by EMIN (2013, dir. ???)


In another life, I wouldn’t have to spotlight this music video. But I might as well since it has made it all the way to the mass media. Plus, Jimmy Kimmel already beat me to a video that not only fits, but also ties in with the new Planet Of The Apes movie.

Land Of Confusion by Genesis (1986)

Land Of Confusion by Genesis (1986)

I’m sure you’ve all read or seen talk about EMIN’s involvement in the current controversy, the Miss Universe pageant, and Trump, Jr. However, the New York Times articles I read fail to talk about the music video itself. That’s disappointing. I guess that’s why I need to write this post.

EMIN is a Russian artist who was born in Azerbaijan as Emin Agalarov. He moved to Moscow as a kid, went to high school in New Jersey, and graduated from Marymount Manhattan College–according to Wikipedia. He said in an interview with The Irish Times back in 2015 that he went to college in Jersey–close enough. He says in that same interview that he started off singing at open-mic nights in bars. He would translate Elvis Presley songs into Russian so that he could sing them at home. Kinda like the kid in the Taiwanese film A Brighter Summer Day (1991) whose sister would translate Elvis songs for him.

After graduating with a Business degree, he went back to Russia and in 2005 started taking vocal lessons from a well-known Azerbaijani singer named Muslim Magomayev. Magomayev was famous enough that a few years before he died, he was given the Order Of Honour by Putin. Because of course that kind of connection would be there. After that, Wikipedia simply states facts about the success of his albums.

While he says otherwise, music does appear to be a hobby that he happens to take seriously. He works in the family business, because again, of course he does. According to that same interview with The Irish Times, he used to have an eBay store back in college where he sold Russian memorabilia. He also opened his own shoe store because of the success of the eBay store.

At least as of the date of The Irish Times interview, he identifies as Muslim. However, the most interesting part of the interview is as follows:

[Q:] Musically, you’d be on the Michael Bublé/ Enrique Iglesias end of the spectrum. Who were your heroes growing up?
[A:] My heroes were Elvis, Elvis and Elvis! One of my favourite Elvis songs is My Boy, and now that you’ve told me it was written by an Irishman [Phil Coulter] I love it even more.

With that background out of the way, let’s look at the video.

The video starts off in a boardroom where EMIN is being shown pictures of Miss Universe contestants because business connections. According to Wikipedia, Miss USA (2013)–Erin Brady–said that her and other contestants were not paid for their appearance in this video. Yet, if you go to the New York Times article it says that they weren’t paid for their appearance in EMIN’s video for Amor. But that same article also says that Trump made an appearance in that video. He doesn’t. I’m not sure what to make of that. I think the article has the two videos confused since Amor just has 2012 Miss Universe winner Olivia Culpo in it. Or the article was trying to say they were shot at the same time. That’s my best guess.

We see that it’s one of his co-workers who is showing him these photos.

EMIN isn’t interested…

but it is making this guy sweat.

EMIN falls asleep and wakes up back home.

For whatever reason, the video jump cuts to his head tilted to our left. He gets some coffee and spots a pretty woman in his kitchen.

Surprised, EMIN spills coffee on himself. Since he can’t go about his day with a metaphor, he goes and changes. Then he proceeds to leap on his couch…

and do a handstand like everyone does in the morning.

EMIN goes to brush his teeth when another woman appears.

He goes around and sings a bit before settling down at the piano where Miss Russia appears next to him.

She disappears too, which leaves EMIN confused. Luckily Miss USA straightens him out by hitting him in the head with a pillow.

This appears to turn him on when he realizes it was her.

Then EMIN realizes there are people behind him. That would be Miss Puerto Rico, Miss Poland, and Miss Switzerland. That means America attacked him, and behind him are people representative of a US territory acquired in the Spanish-American War, a country taken by Hitler during WWII, and one that is traditionally associated with remaining neutral in conflicts–particularly WWII.

They disappear on him as well, so he goes to look under the bed? Do women normally hide under there in his dreams?

After sitting in a chair, he is suddenly walking down some steps with Miss Spain, Miss Philippines, Miss Ukraine, Miss Turkey, and Miss Japan. We have a Russian singer walking in front of a country that once colonized the one behind it, that is followed by one that was part of the Soviet Union. Behind Miss Ukraine, we have Miss Japan representing a country who took the Philippines. To the side of Miss Ukraine, we have Miss Turkey. Interesting combination.

Now EMIN goes into his pool room and sees Miss Philippines and Miss Puerto Rico hanging out together. Makes sense, a former territory of the US with a current territory of the US.

We also see Miss Spain talking with Miss Switzerland. Two countries that were largely neutral during WWII.

Miss Turkey is walking on the other side of the pool while…

Miss Ukraine is poolside. Turkey having been one of the first countries to recognize Ukraine’s independence from the USSR. They still do as recently as January of this year as it pertains to Russia.

That’s when the co-worker from earlier jumps into the pool since she has the opposite body-type from the rest of the ladies.

EMIN wakes up and Donald Trump makes his cameo appearance to of course fire EMIN for showing up late and falling asleep at work.

That’s not bad. I still prefer claymation Trump firing Donner.

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer by Regis Philbin (2006)

There you go! That’s the video that is currently in the news. It’s not a particularly good song. It wouldn’t be a noteworthy video beyond the inclusion of Trump but for the seemingly intentional choices of which ladies to use depending on the countries they represent, and their relations over the years.

Insomnia File #21: Truth (dir by James Vanderbilt)


What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

If, last night, you found yourself awake at three in the morning, you could have turned over to Starz and watched the 2015 film, Truth.

I can’t say for sure whether or not Truth would have put you to sleep.  It kept me awake, largely because I was in a state of shock that any movie could be as bad as what I was watching.  Without running the risk of hyperbole, I can say that Truth is one of the worst fucking movies that I’ve ever seen in my entire life.  It’s not just that the film is poorly scripted, inconsistently acted, and directed in the most heavy-handed way possible.  No, the problems with Truth went far beyond mere execution.  Truth is a film with an agenda, one that I kind of agree with, but it’s such a total misfire that it ends up doing more damage to its cause than good.  Truth is meant to be a defense of the much maligned mainstream media but it’s so poorly put together that it’s easy to imagine it being one of Donald Trump’s guilty pleasures.  Remember how all of us musical theater nerds used to hatewatch Smash?  I imagine that the White House staff does the same thing with Truth.

Truth is ostensibly based on a true story.  In 2004, veteran anchorman Dan Rather (played by Robert Redford) reported a story that then-President George W. Bush got preferential treatment while he was serving in the Air National Guard.  This story was considered to be especially big because 1) the Iraq War was deeply unpopular, 2) Bush was in a tight race for reelection, 3) his opponent, John F. Kerry, didn’t have much to offer beyond having served in Vietnam, and 4) questions were being raised about what Kerry actually did in Vietnam.

One of the most important pieces of evidence in Rather’s story were four memos that had been provided by a retired Lieutenant Colonel from the Air National Guard, a veteran Bush-hater named Bill Burkett (played, in the film, by Stacy Keach).  Shortly after the story aired, conservative bloggers claimed that the memos were obvious forgeries.  After spending weeks defending the story and haughtily dismissing anyone who didn’t collect an eight-figure paycheck from CBS, Rather admitted on air that the authenticity of the memos could not be verified.  In the wake of the scandal, Rather’s longtime producer, Mary Mapes (Cate Blanchett), was fired.  Rather retired a year earlier than expected and went on to become one of those reliably dull commentators who occasionally emerges to complain about how the world hasn’t been the same since Adlai Stevenson died.  Mapes later wrote a book, which argued that 1) the memos were authentic and 2) it didn’t actually matter whether they were authentic, even though they like so totally were.

With all the current talk about fake news and whether both the media and Hollywood exist in a bubble, Truth is a film that should be especially relevant but, as previously stated, it’s so clumsy and heavy-handed that it actually does more harm than good.  About halfway through the film, there’s a hilarious scene in which literally the entire country is shown watching 60 Minutes with awe-struck expression on their face.  Children are watching.  Customers in a bar are watching.  The cooking staff in the kitchen pauses in their work to watch the report.  Heroic music rises on the soundtrack.  This scene, with all of its self-important grandeur, pretty much sums up everything that’s wrong with Truth.  It’s one thing to argue that the news media does, should, and must play an important role in American life.  It’s another thing to make your argument by constructing a fantasy world where the entire country plots their lives around watching 60 Minutes.  But that’s the way Vanderbilt directs the entire film.  He’s so high on the fumes of his good intentions that he doesn’t realize his film basically comes across like a parody of those intentions.

Especially in the second half of the film, there’s a lot of speeches about why journalism is important.  And those speeches may actually make a great point but the problem is that none of them convince us that Mary Mapes and Dan Rather didn’t get fooled by some painfully obvious forgeries.  In its laudable effort to defend journalism, Truth makes the mistake of excusing shoddy journalism. When, towards the end of the film, Mapes exclaims that the memos were only a minor part of the overall story and not necessary to prove that Bush got preferential treatment, you want someone to ask her, “If you could prove the story without them, then why did you include these unverifiable documents in the first place, especially considering that they were received from a questionable source?”  But nobody does because none of the film’s saintly characters have been written or portrayed with the nuance necessary to be able to survive a question like that.   Truth‘s problem is that it wants to have it both ways.  “It doesn’t matter that this story was based on obviously fake documents,” Truth says, “And, because Mary Mapes and Dan Rather were sent by God to tell the truth, the obviously fake documents were completely real.”

And then there’s the film’s performers.  Stacy Keach is great as Burkitt and his eccentric performance suggests the film that Truth could have been if it wasn’t so concerned with trying to portray its lead characters as saints.  But then there’s Robert Redford, whose portrayal of Dan Rather has all the nuance and personality of a wax figure.  (Redford wears suspenders.  That’s the extent of his performance.)  As Mary Mapes, Cate Blanchett is totally wasted.  She doesn’t really have a character to play, beyond her male director’s conception of what a professional woman is supposed to be like.  (She also has a traumatic back story of abuse, which the film trots out in such a klutzy manner that it’s actually incredibly insulting to real-life abuse victims.)  Dennis Quaid, Topher Grace, and Elisabeth Moss all show up as members of Mapes’s team.  Quaid is playing a military man so he gets to salute in slow motion.  Grace is playing a hipster with a beard so he gets this embarrassing scene where he rants about how he’s being targeted not because of sloppy reporting but because of a corporate conspiracy.  (This was obviously meant to be a huge applause moment but, like a lot of the movie, it doesn’t explain how the progressive cause is helped by shoddy journalism.)  Moss doesn’t get to do anything, other than sit in the background.  To waste a cast of this quality is a crime.

So why did this mostly terrible film get respectful reviews?  Why did Sasha Stone and Jeff Wells insist that Truth was destined to be an Oscar contender?  Call it confirmation bias.  Truth plays to mainstream liberals (which includes the majority of film reviewers) in much the same way that God’s Not Dead 2 plays to Christians.  But just because you agree with a film’s ideology, that doesn’t make it an example of good filmmaking.  While artistic films are often political, it’s rare that political films are ever art.  If every anti-Bush film was an artistic masterpiece, we would be living in a cinematic golden age.

Here’s the thing.  We live in a time when the media is under attack and being used a convenient scapegoat for every bad thing in America. Donald Trump largely won in 2016 by portraying the media as being biased and that’s a charge that will undoubtedly be repeated many times over the next four years.  A heavy-handed mess like Truth doesn’t help anything.

truth_2015_poster

Previous Insomnia Files:

  1. Story of Mankind
  2. Stag
  3. Love Is A Gun
  4. Nina Takes A Lover
  5. Black Ice
  6. Frogs For Snakes
  7. Fair Game
  8. From The Hip
  9. Born Killers
  10. Eye For An Eye
  11. Summer Catch
  12. Beyond the Law
  13. Spring Broke
  14. Promise
  15. George Wallace
  16. Kill The Messenger
  17. The Suburbans
  18. Only The Strong
  19. Great Expectations
  20. Casual Sex?

A Movie A Day #34: Small Potatoes: Who Killed the USFL? (2009, directed by Mike Tollin)


usfl

A part of ESPN’s 30 for 30 documentary series, Small Potatoes: Who Killed the USFL? tells the story of the United States Football League.  The USFL was not the first American football league to try to take on the NFL but, arguably, it was one of the most successful.  Playing a spring/summer schedule, the USFL lasted for three seasons, from 1983 to 1985.  During that time, the USFL introduced many rules that would later be adopted by the NFL, including the two-point conversion and the coach’s challenge.  Several future NFL superstars, like Herschel Walker and Steve Young, got their start in the USFL.

So, why is the USFL nearly forgotten today?  This documentary largely lays the blame at the feet of none other than Donald Trump.  Long before he was President or even a reality TV star, Trump wanted to own a football team.  When it became obvious that he wasn’t going to be able to buy an NFL team, Trump purchased the USFL’s New Jersey Generals.  Trump not only decided that the USFL needed to switch to a fall schedule and compete directly with the NFL but, under his direction, the USFL also filed an antitrust lawsuit against the NFL.  Ironically, the USFL won that lawsuit but were only awarded $3.75 in damages.  With the league’s financial resources depleted by the lawsuit, the USFL suspended the 1986 season and never came back.

For all the legitimate criticism that can be directed towards ESPN, the 30 for 30 documentaries have been consistently excellent.  While Small Potatoes features plenty of exciting game footage and interviews with former USFL players, it’s not surprising that the most interesting thing about it is listening to Trump revealingly discuss his time as a USFL team owner with the same mix of self-aggrandizement and defensive posturing that he uses to discuss the size of the crowd at his inauguration.  Unlike the majority of the players and former owners interviewed in Small Potatoes (including Burt Reynolds, who was one of the owners of the Tampa Bay Bandits), Trump still appears to take it personally that he was never taken seriously as the owner of a football team.

I did not know anything about the USFL before I watched Small Potatoes.  My only complaint is that I wish it had been longer.  The story of the USFL was too interesting to be confined to just one hour.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #31: Black and White (dir by James Toback)


(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by the end of Wednesday, December 7th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)

black_and_white_black_white-681253575-large

On November 15th, I recorded the 1999 melodrama, Black and White, off of Encore.

Black and White is a film that I’ve seen several times and I’ve always meant to review it.  It’s an attempt to explore the state of race, rap, crime, and sex in the late 20th century.  It’s also a James Toback film, which means that it contains all of the stuff that appears in every James Toback film: a threesome in the park, improvised dialogue, cameos from famous people playing themselves, an obsession with college basketball games, casual sexism, and a lot of talk about why you should never send “a little boy to do a man’s job.”  By his own admission, the white Toback is obsessed with the black experience but, when you watch a James Toback film, you get the feeling that his entire knowledge of African-American culture comes from watching other movies.

In short, Black and White is probably one of the silliest and most misjudged films that I’ve ever seen.  In fact, it’s so misjudged that it’s compulsively watchable.  Though I’m always hesitant to casually toss around the term “guilty pleasure,” that’s exactly what Black and White is.

Black and White tells several different stories, some of which are connected and some of which are not.  Sam Donager (Brooke Shields) is an independent filmmaker who is attempting to make a documentary about white people who try to act black.  Her husband, Terry (Robert Downey, Jr.), is gay and hits on every man (and boy) that he sees.  Sam and Terry start following around a group of privileged white kids who are obsessed with rap music.  Sam asks them if they want to be black.  They say that they’re going through a phase.

One of the kids is named Wren and he’s played by Elijah Wood.  He doesn’t really do much but every time he shows up in the film, you go, “It’s Elijah Wood!”  And then there’s Marty King (Eddie Kaye Thomas) who is the son of the Manhattan District Attorney (Joe Pantoliano).  Marty’s older brother is Will (William Lee Scott) ,who is some sort of low-level criminal.  And finally, the unofficial leader of the kids is Charlie (Bijou Phillips) and she gets to give a long monologue explaining the various uses of the n-word.

(Their teacher, incidentally, is played by Jared Leto.  If you’ve ever wanted to listen to Jared Leto lecture about the relationship between Othello and Iago, this is the film to see.  That said, the whole Othello and Iago lecture is just kinda randomly tossed in and doesn’t really pay off.)

Charlie is one of the many girlfriends of Rich Bower (Power), who is not only an up-and-coming rap producer but he’s also the head of a criminal organization.  (There’s a lengthy and kinda pointless scene where he and his associates demand money from a club manager played by Scott Caan.)  Rich is also friends with Mike Tyson.  Tyson plays himself and he gets to deliver an entire monologue about how Rich should never send a boy to do a man’s job.

But we’re not done!  Rich’s cousin is Dean Carter (Allan Houston), a college basketball player.  Dean is dating an anthropology graduate student (Claudia Schiffer, giving a hilariously terrible performance) who is obsessed with fertility symbols.  Dean is also being blackmailed by a corrupt cop named Mark Clear.  Guess who plays Mark Clear?

BEN FREAKING STILLER!

Needless to say, Ben Stiller is massively miscast.  He delivers he lines in his trademark comedic fashion, which makes it next to impossible to take him seriously as any sort of threat.  He also has a backstory that is needlessly complex but at least it allows him to say, “I’m Saul of Fucking Tarsus!”

Anyway, almost the entire film was improvised, which is one of those things that probably seemed like a good idea at the time.  A few of the actors do well with the improvisation.  Stiller may be miscast but at least he can come up with stuff to say.  Robert Downey, Jr.’s character may seem out-of-place but again, Downey knows how to keep things interesting.  But the rest of the cast seems to be a bit stranded so we end up with a lot of lengthy scenes of characters struggling to make some sort of sense of Toback’s storyline.

It’s obvious that James Toback felt that this film had something important to say but, instead of any insight, it can only offer up the occasionally strange-as-Hell scene.

Like this scene, for instance, in which Mike Tyson literally attempts to kill Robert Downey, Jr:

Or this weird little scene between Ben Stiller and Joe Pantoliano, which is dominated by Stiller’s odd delivery of his lines:

Or the closing montage, which is actually rather well-put together and makes great use of Michael Fredo’s Free:

Sadly, the video above ends before it gets to the part where we see Claudia Schiffer on a date with Mike Tyson, telling him about fertility symbols.

Anyway, Black and White is one of those films that wants to say something despite not being sure what.  Again, it may ultimately be rather silly but it’s still compulsively watchable.

(For the record, Marla Maples — who also appeared in Maximum Overdrive and was married to future President Donald Trump when this movie was made — has a cameo as a character named Muffy.  We live in a strange fucking world, don’t we?)

Here’s The Second Trailer for The Purge: Election Year!


Here’s the 2nd trailer for The Purge: Election Year!

Will this movie be more like the first Purge film or the second Purge film?  It’s an important question because the first Purge had an intriguing premise but only so-so execution.  Whereas the second Purge film should have been nominated for all sorts of Oscars…

One good sign: Frank Grillo is back!  Then again, it’s not like they could have brought anyone back from the first Purge film because the first Purge film ended with almost everyone dead.  Between the first Purge and Sinister, Ethan Hawke briefly managed to corner the market on unstable father figures who end up dead by the end of the movie.

(Whoops, was that a spoiler or was that two spoilers?  Sorry, I hope you can still love me…)

Anyway, here’s the trailer for The Purge: Election Year!  Feel free to watch it and leave your own comments comparing the Purge to either the Donald Trump campaign or the Hillary Clinton campaign.

(By the way, since this is an election year, I’m planning on doing a twitter poll in October.  I’m going to ask who my 8,000 plus followers think I should vote for.  I will then vote the exact opposite because the world needs a red-headed contrarian.)

(On another note, someone on YouTube mentioned that “It must be a bitch to clean up all the graffiti every year,” and I think he’s right!  I would not want that job!)

(Also, if there was a real-life annual Purge, I would not murder anyone but I probably would do a little shoplifting.  But that’s just me.  You spend your purge the way that you want to…)

Embracing the Melodrama Part II #95: 54 (dir by Mark Christopher)


54_poster

“A guy named Steve Rubell had a dream: To throw the best damned party the world had ever seen and to make it last forever. He built a world where fantasy was put up as reality and where an 80-year-old disco queen could dance till dawn. Where models mingled with mechanics, plumbers danced with princes. It was a place where all labels were left behind. A place where there were no rules.”

— Shane O’Shea (Ryan Phillippe) in 54 (1998)

So, did you actually read that quote at the beginning of the review?  I don’t blame if you didn’t because not only is it ludicrous overwritten but it just goes on and on.  It’s one of those quotes that you read in a script and you think to yourself, “They better get absolutely the best actor in the world to deliver these lines,” and then you realize Ryan Phillippe has been cast in the role.

Except, of course, I doubt that any of those lines were found in the original script for 54.  54 is one of those films where, as you watch it, you can literally imagine the chaos that must have been going on during the editing process.  Subplots are raised and then dropped and the mysteriously pop up again.  Characters change both their personalities and their motives in between scenes.  Huge dramatic moment happen almost at random but don’t seem to actually have anything to do with anything else happening in the film.

In short, 54 is a mess but it’s a mess that’s held together by incredibly clunky narration.  Shane O’Shea, who spent the waning days of the 1970s working at Studio 54, narrates the film.  And, despite the fact that Shane is presented as being kinda dumb (think of Saturday Night Fever‘s Tony Manero, without the sexy dance moves), his narration is extremely verbose and reflective. It’s almost as if the narration was written at the last-minute by someone desperately trying to save a collapsing film.

I watched 54 on cable because I saw that it was about the 70s and I figured it would feature a lot of outrageous costumes, danceable music, and cocaine-fueled melodrama.  And it turns out that I was right about the cocaine-fueled melodrama but still, 54 is no Boogie Nights.  It’s not even Bright Lights, Big City.

54 does have an interesting cast, which makes it all the more unfortunate that nobody really gets to do anything interesting.  Poor Ryan Phillippe looks totally lost and, in the film’s worst scene, he actually has to stand in the middle of a dance floor and, after the death of elderly Disco Dottie (that’s the character’s name!), yell at all the decadent club goers.  Breckin Meyer is cute as Phillippe’s co-worker and Salma Hayek gets to sing.  Neve Campbell plays a soap opera actress who Phillippe has a crush on and…oh, who cares?  Seriously, writing about this film is almost as annoying as watching it.

Mike Myers — yes, that Mike Myers — plays the owner of the club, Steve Rubell.  The role means that Myers gets to snort cocaine, hit on Breckin Meyer, and vomit on the silk sheets of his bed.  I think that Myers gives a good performance but I’m not really sure.  It could have just been the shock of seeing Mike Myers snorting cocaine, hitting on Breckin Meyer, and vomiting on the silk sheets of his bed.

If you want to enjoy some 70s decadence, avoid 54 and rewatch either Boogie Nights or American Hustle.

My New Friends


Hi.  I just wanted to take a few minutes to introduce everyone to my new friends, Domo and Almighty Cthulhu…

Aren’t they just adorable?  Cthulhu arrives yesterday and Domo showed up earlier today.  They’ve already gotten a chance to meet some of my other friends like the Blues Brothers…

And Virgil The Alien Poet…

Also present was Dr. Zaius…

Dr. Zaius insisted on being accompanied by his personal bodyguard, an old school G.I. Joe.  Pull on Joe’s dog tags and he’ll say something that sounds like, “Brewlughajthghtjewmrehawhah…”  I’m guessing he was a bit more articulate 40 years ago.

Kinky Friedman, who I voted for in 2006 when he was running for governor of Texas, also showed up.  Press Kinky’s back and he says stuff like, “I’m not against the death penalty.  I’m against the wrong person gettin’ executed.”

Last but not least, they were met by Donald Trump.  Push Donald’s back and he’ll say stuff like, “Do you think you’re a good leader?  I don’t.  You let everyone walk all over you and you haven’t taken responsibility for your own mistakes.  For that reason, I’m afraid I have to say, ‘You’re fired.'”  Seriously, he says ALL of that!  Other phrases: “I should fire myself just for having you around” and “Brand yourself and toot your own horn.”

So far, at least, I think Domo is fitting in a little bit better than Cthulhu.  I have a feeling that Cthulhu and Donald Trump are going to end up locking horns because they both like to be in charge.  Me, I’m putting my money on Cthulhu.

Finally, in the end, what else can I say other than thank you to my friend and co-conspirator, R-Lee.  Not only does he allow me to post my random and occasionally heretical thoughts on his site but he’s helped to bring me even closer to almighty Cthulhu. 🙂