David Marcus | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell, which ran on NBC from 1989 to 1993. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Kelly’s make a life-changing decision …. or does she?

Episode 2.10 “Model Students”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 10th, 1990)

Zack and the Gang take over the school store from the group of “Bayside Nerds” who were running it. Zack decides that a swimsuit calendar — made up of pictures taken by a wetsuit wearing Screech — is the way to build up business. Actually, considering that no one actually gave consent to being photographed, it seems like an even better way to get sued and maybe jailed for stalking.

Anyway, fashion photographer Adam Trask (Greg Keen) somehow sees the calendar and, before anyone can say, “Hey, why were you looking at a calendar full of underage girls?,” he’s offered Kelly a modeling contract. She just has to go to Paris for a few months.

It’s a great opportunity but Zack is scared that he’ll loser her so he conspires to trick her into staying. It doesn’t work but Kelly promises that she’ll be back before he knows it.

And, indeed, she was back in the very next episode.

This episode is a reminder that nothing that happens on Saved By The Bell matters. Kelly goes to Paris to be a model. That sounds like a big deal. It will never be mentioned again. Kelly’s family will continue to struggle financially, despite the fact that the main reason Kelly took the modeling gig was to help her family. As for the student store, don’t ever expect to see that place again. The Gang took it over but I’m going to assume they abandoned it in much the same way they abandoned their radio station.

Saved By The Bell was so silly.

This week, Mr. Belding is desperately trying to find someone to date his niece. Meanwhile, Zack is trying to avoid being suspended….

Episode 2.6 “Blind Dates”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 13th, 1990)

Mr. Belding needs someone to go on a blind date with his niece Penny but every guy at the school screams in horror at the idea. However, Zack has just received his tenth detention and is facing the prospect of being suspended for a week. Belding makes Zack an offer that he can’t refuse. If Zack goes on a date with Penny, he won’t be suspended. This sounds like the type of thing that could get Belding fired but instead, Zack agrees to go on the date….

Except Zack already has plans for that night! Kelly is having her birthday party at the Max!

Zack’s solution? Put a blonde wig on Screech and have him take Penny on the date.

I notice that Zack’s solutions always seem to involve Screech pretending to be someone other than Screech. Penny (Jodi Peterson) turns out to be a totally normal girl and she has a great time with Screech when they go to …. Kelly’s birthday party! Of course, Penny thinks Screech is Zack and that Zack is Screech and just writing all of this is making my head hurt. When Kelly finds out that Penny is planning on going home with “Zack,” Kelly calls her “an un-nice person,” which is a pretty neat turn of phrase. But then Kelly learns the truth and, to Slater’s chagrin, Kelly falls even more in love with Zack.

Meanwhile, Jessie freaks out because her blind date, Brett (Timothy Williams), is several inches shorter than her. I have to say that Jessie’s recurring insecurity about being tall was one of the few things that Saved By The Bell consistently handled well. (It certainly handled it better than her later caffeine pill addiction.) Brett was adorable and it was kind of sweet that he eventually won Jessie over just by being a really cool guy.

Jessie’s storyline aside, this is the type of Saved By The Bell episode that drives me crazy. Most of the conflict — actually, all of the conflict — could have been avoided by everyone just not being an idiot. It’s hard to believe that Zack couldn’t come up with a solution to his problems that didn’t involve putting a blonde wig on Screech. I get that Belding was desperate to find a date for Penny but the idea that he would turn to Zack, even under the most extreme of circumstances, seemed like a reach.

Probably the funniest moment in this episode was when Zack learned he had received his tenth detention and everyone in the studio audience groaned. Don’t worry, folks. Zack will be okay!