Guilty Pleasure No. 84: Last Action Hero (dir by John McTiernan)

Posted on July 30, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh, Last Action Hero.

Ever since this film was first released in 1993, it’s usually held up as an example of a Hollywood fiasco. The script was originally written to be a modest satire of action films. The screenwriters wrote the character of Jack Slater, an movie action hero who comes into the real world, for Dolph Lundgren. Instead, the film became an Arnold Schwarzenegger extravaganza and the studio ended up tossing a ton of money at it. When the film was originally released, the reviews were mixed and the box office was considered to be disappointing. (That it went up against the first Jurassic Park was definitely an underrated issue when it came to the box office.) Ever since then, The Last Action Hero has had a reputation for being a bad film.

Well, I don’t care. I like The Last Action Hero. Yes, it’s a bit overproduced for a comedy. (It breaks my own rule about how no comedy should run longer than two hours.) Yes, it gets a bit sentimental with ten year-old Danny Madigan (Austin O’Brien) using a magic, golden ticket to enter the film world of his hero, Jack Slater. If you want to argue that the film should have devoted more time to and gone a bit deeper into contrasting the film world with the real world, I won’t disagree with you. But I will also say that Sylvester Stallone starring as The Terminator in Jack’s world was actually a pretty funny sight gag. Danny knowing better than to trust a character played by F. Murray Abraham made me laugh. Danny’s fantasy in which Arnold Schwarzenegger played Hamlet was made all the better by the fact that his teacher was played by Laurence Olivier’s wife, Joan Plowright. Danny DeVito as Whiskers the Cartoon Cat makes me laugh as well, even if it is perhaps a bit too bizarre of a joke for this particular film. (There’s nothing else about the Jack Slater films that would explain the presence of a cartoon cat.)

When you set aside the idea of the Last Action Hero being a symbol of Hollywood bloat and just watch it as a film, it emerges as an enjoyably goofy action movie, one that captures the joy of watching movies (because who hasn’t wanted to enter a movie’s world at some point in their life), and also one that features a rather charming performance from Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Schwarzenegger, I should add, plays both himself and Jack Slater. One of my favorite jokes is when the real Schwarzenegger is at a premiere and he mistakes the evil Ripper for Tom Noonan, the actor who played him in the previous Jack Slater film.) Yeah, the golden ticket is a little bit hokey but who cares? Underneath all of the special effects and action and money spent on star salaries, Last Action Hero is an action movie and comedy with a heart. Danny meets his hero but also gets to become a hero himself. And Jack Slater turns out to be everything you would hope your movie hero would be. In the end, it’s obvious that a lot of the criticism of this film has more to do with the appeal of riding the bandwagon as opposed to what actually happens on screen.

Last Action Hero is a movie that I’ll happily defend.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

I Come In Peace (1990, directed by Craig R. Baxley)

Posted on May 12, 2025 by Jedadiah Leland

“I come in peace.”

“And you go in pieces.”

How have I not reviewed this one yet?

Dolph Lundgren is Jack Crain, a Houston cop who teams up with FBI agent Larry Smith (Brian Benben) to investigate who is killing criminals in H-town. The killer is a drug dealer but not your everyday drug dealer. He’s an alien named Talec (Matthias Hues) and he’s figured out how to say “I come in peace,” but the rest of the English language is beyond him. “I come in peace,” turns out to be the scariest phrase you can hear when you’re being pursued by a white-haired, intergalactic mass murderer. His targets include Jesse Vint and Michael J. Pollard. This terminator wannabe is after character actors!

On the second-tier action stars of the 90s, Lundgren was the one who could actually act. Van Damme could actually do all the acrobatic stunts his characters did but he couldn’t show emotion like Lundgren. Steven Seagal seemed like he could handle himself in a fight but he lacked Lundgren’s self-aware humor. Lundgren plays Jack as almost being a parody of the type of hard-boiled cop who is always getting yelled at by the commissioner for wasting the city’s money. Brian Benben is remembered, by some, as the star of HBO’s Dream On, the sitcom that convinced a generation of young men that there’s nothing women love more than obscure pop cultural obsessions. Benben is actually pretty funny in I Come In Peace. He’s the everyman who can’t believe he’s having to deal with an intergalactic drug dealer. Good heroes need a good villain and Matthias Hues is just right as the drug dealing alien who literally doesn’t know what he’s saying.

If you want to see a Terminator rip-off with nonstop action, a memorable villain, frequently (and intentionally) funny dialogue, an Al Leong cameo, and Dolph Lundgren as a hero who pushes people around just because he feels like it, I Come In Peace is the movie for you!

#MondayMuggers presents DARK ANGEL (1990) starring Dolph Lundgren!

Posted on May 5, 2025 by Bradley Crain

Every Monday night at 9:00 Central Time, my wife Sierra and I host a “Live Movie Tweet” event on X using the hashtag #MondayMuggers. We rotate movie picks each week, and our tastes are quite different. Tonight, Monday May 5th, we celebrate Cinco de Mayo with DARK ANGEL (1990) starring Dolph Lundgren, Brian Benben, Betsy Brantley, Matthias Hues, and Michael J. Pollard.

I really enjoy Amazon Prime’s plot description for the film… “A renegade cop undercover on a drug sting discovers a murderous alien who feasts on the brains of heroin addicts.” Honestly, if that description doesn’t make you want to watch the film, there’s probably nothing I can say to bring you along. On a side note, I remember this movie going under the name I COME IN PEACE when I was in high school, which is kind of cool because the bad guy will say he comes in peace right before committing horrific murder. But now it’s called DARK ANGEL, so that’s that.

So join us tonight for #MondayMuggers and watch DARK ANGEL! It’s on Amazon Prime. The trailer is included below:

Big Trouble In Little China (1986, directed by John Carpenter)

Posted on March 17, 2025 by Jedadiah Leland

Jack Burton (Kurt Russell) is not a complicated person. He drives a truck for a living. He’s loyal to his friends. He likes a good beer and a pretty girl. He tries to do the right thing so when the fiancée of his best friend, Wang Chi (Dennis Dun), is kidnapped, he teams up with Wang to rescue her. And when Jack’s truck gets stolen after he runs over an evil, ancient Chinese sorcerer named Lo Pan (James Hong), Jack just wants to get his truck back. Instead, Jack finds himself in the middle of an ancient battle between good and evil as Lo Pan searches for a green-eyed woman to sacrifice so that he can defeat a curse that was put upon him centuries ago.

Big Trouble In Little China is one of John Carpenter’s most exuberant films. It mixes kung fu action with special effects and a good dose of physical humor from Kurt Russell. When Lisa and I watched this movie a few months ago, Lisa commented that this film was Kurt Russell’s “Bruce Campbell movie,” and the more I think about it, the more I agree. Russell plays Jack with a mix of cockiness and klutziness that should be very familiar to anyone who has followed the adventures of Ash Williams. While Dennis Dun gets to do the typically heroic stuff that you would expect from the star of a movie like this, Russell is just someone who wants to get his truck back and who is consistently weirded-out by the magic around him. Carpenter makes sure that the movie is full of action as he pays tribute to the kung fu films that he watched when he was still in film school. James Hong is great villain and the rest of the cast, including Kim Cattrall as lawyer Gracie Law, all match the energy of Russell, Hong, and Dun. Complete with flying swordsmen, demons with glowing eyes, and a lightning-wielding warrior that probably inspired Mortal Kombat‘s Raiden, Big Trouble In Little China is a fun slice of 80s action.

Unfortunately, the film was not appreciated when it was first released. Stung by the critical reaction to the film, Carpenter abandoned working for the studios and instead become an independent filmmaker. Big Trouble In Little China, however, has stood the test of time and has become better appreciated with age. Today, it’s rightly viewed as one of Carpenter’s best films.

Cage (1989, directed by Lang Elliott)

Posted on February 1, 2025 by Jedadiah Leland

As with so many stories, it all starts with Vietnam.

In 1969, soldier Billy Thomas (Lou Ferrigno) heroically saves the life of his captain, Scott Monroe (Reb Brown). Unfortunately, while their helicopter is taking off, Billy takes a bullet to the head. While he survives the wound, he is left with the mind of a child. Scott dedicates his life to taking care of Billy and, after the war, they open a bar together. However, mobster Tony Baccola (Michael Dante) feels that Billy would be the perfect contestant for a series of fight-to-death cage matches that have been set up by Chinese gangster Tin Lum Yin (James Shigeta). In desperate need of money, Tony kidnaps Billy and forces him to fight, telling him that it’s what Scott needs him to do. Billy doesn’t want to fight and, when he first enters the cage, he says, “Hi, how are you?” and tries to shake his opponent’s hand. But when his opponents try to hit Billy, he has no choice but to defend himself. It’s up to Scott to rescue his friend.

The plot of this movie is pretty dumb but I’m not embarrassed to say that the film itself won me over. The fights were decent but the main reason why the movie works is because of Lou Ferrigno and Reb Brown, who made their friendship and their bond feel very real. Ferrigno was especially good in this film. How can you not root for a guy who just wants to be everyone’s friend and who, even after his twelfth cage match, still gets upset over having to hit people?

A pure B-movie all the way, Cage also features familiar faces like Branscombe Richmond, Al Leong, and Danny Trejo. Most of the critics may not have liked it but Ferrigno has described Cage as being his his favorite film performance and I agree.

Retro Television Review: Broken Angel (dir by Richard T. Heffron)

Posted on May 19, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1988’s Broken Angel! It can be viewed on YouTube.

Chuck Coburn (William Shatner) has a nice house in the suburbs, a nice job, a nice car, and a nice Bruins jacket. He’s hoping that he can once against have a nice marriage with his wife (Susan Blakely), despite the fact that she cheated on him and she still thinks that he spends too much time at work.

Chuck is proud of his teenage daughter, Jaime (Erika Eleniak). Jaime seems like the perfect suburban and angelic teenager. But then Jaime goes to prom and her best friend, Jenny (Amy Lynne), is gunned down in front of her. Jaime runs from the scene and vanishes. As Chuck searches for his daughter, he is stunned discover that Jaime, Jenny, and their boyfriends were all a part of a gang! His perfect daughter was smoking weed, doing cocaine, selling crack, and taking part in rumbles with a rival Asian gang. Even worse, Jaime’s gang was called …. LFN!

LFN? That stands for Live For Now. The Live For Now Gang. Whenever we see the members of the gang preparing to get into a fight with another gang, they all chant, “LFN! LFN!” LFN is a gang of white suburban teenagers and they look just as dorky as they sound. I mean, I think it would be bad enough to discover that your child is in a gang but discovering they were in a dorky gang would probably make it even worse.

The majority of Broken Angel is made up of scenes of Chuck searching the mean streets of Los Angeles. He partners with a social worker (Roxann Dawson) who is herself a former gang member. Chuck discovers that his daughter’s street name was — *snicker* — Shadow. He also befriend a member of the LFN’s rival Asian gang and tries to encourage her to go straight. This leads to scene in which he is attacked by Al Leong. Somehow, middle-aged William Shatner manages to beat up Al Leong. That, in itself, is worth the cost of admission.

Broken Angel deals with a serious issue but it does so in such an overwrought and melodramatic fashion that most viewers will be moved not to tears but to laughter. In Broken Angel, William Shatner gave the type of overly dramatic and self-serious performance that he routinely pokes fun at today. If you’re one of those people who enjoys listening as Shatner emphasize random syllables and takes meaningly pauses, this movie will give you a lot to enjoy. In every scene, Shatner seems to be saying, “Notice me, Emmy voters! Notice me!” Of course, it wouldn’t be until Shatner learned how to laugh at himself that the Emmy voters would finally notice him.

The film ends on an abrupt note but with the promise of better days ahead. Just remember — keep an eye out for the LFN!

Holiday Film Review: Die Hard (dir by John McTiernan)

Posted on December 24, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Yes, Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

And, in an alternative universe, it was a Frank Sinatra movie.

Released into theaters in 1988, Die Hard was based on a novel called Nothing Lasts Forever. Nothing Lasts Forever told roughly the same story as Die Hard, with one of the big exceptions being that the cop fighting the terrorists was not the youngish and quippy John McClane but instead was a weary, aging and retired detective named Joe Leland. Leland previously appeared in another novel called The Detective. In 1968, The Detective was turned into a film and the role of Leland was played by Frank Sinatra. As a part of his contract, Sinatra had the right to play Leland in any sequels to The Detective. When Die Hard was in pre-production, Sinatra could have demanded that the film be a Joe Leland film and that he be allowed to star in it. Fortunately, Sinatra did not do that and Joe Leland was instead transformed into John McClane. And, after the role was was turned down by Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Clint Eastwood, Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Don Johnson, Harrison Ford, Burt Reynolds, Paul Newman, James Caan, Al Pacino, and Richard Dean Anderson, popular television actor Bruce Willis finally received the role.

Seriously, just consider that. Bruce Willis was not only not the first choice for John McClane but even Richard Dean Anderson was offered the role before the filmmakers finally went with Willis. It’s hard to imagine anyone else starring in Die Hard because, to most of us, Bruce Willis is John McClane. Growing up and watching Die Hard on television every Christmas, it was very easy to assume that Willis probably spent all of his spare time fighting terrorists and coming up with snarky quips. Definitely, it’s difficult to imagine Stallone and Schwarzenegger in the role. What made McClane such a compelling hero was that he wasn’t superhuman. He was just a blue collar guy who hurt his feet, got tired, and had his moments of frustration just like everyone else. He was the relatable action hero. It didn’t matter how many stories that one heard about Bruce Willis having an ego or occasionally being difficult to work with. Bruce Willis was John McClane and, after everything that McClane had been though, he had every right to occasionally be difficult.

You’ll notice that I haven’t really discussed the plot of Die Hard because …. well, everyone knows that plot. I mean, this is one of those films that has such a permanent place in pop cultural history that even people who somehow haven’t seen the film still know what it’s about. John McClane is an NYPD cop who flies to Los Angeles to see his estranged wife, Holly, for Christmas. Holly (Bonnie Bedelia) works for the Nakatomi Corporation. During the company’s Christmas party, terrorists led by Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) take over the skyscraper. The terrorists claim to be politically-motivated but, actually, they just want to break into the building’s vault and make off with a lot of money. McClane makes his way through the unfinished skyscraper, killing the terrorists one-by-one. He only has two allies. Al Powell (Reginald VelJohnson) is an LAPD sergeant who is outside the building and who communicates with McClane via radio. Argyle (De’Veroux White) is the friendly limo driver who spends almost the entire siege oblivious in the parking garage. (The first time I ever watched Die Hard, I was so worried something bad would happen to Argyle.)

McClane has a lot of enemies and not all of them are terrorists. The Deputy Chief of the LAPD (Paul Gleason) thinks that McClane is making the situation worse. Two FBI agent, both named Johnson (and played by Robert Davi and Grand L. Bush), seem to view the entire siege as being a game with the older Johnson talking about how much it reminds him of Vietnam. A reporter (William Atherton) makes the situation worse with his on-the-spot reports. Meanwhile, there’s Harry Ellis (Hart Bochner). A coke-addled executive, Ellis actually thinks that he’s helping McClane by trying to negotiate with Gruber. I know that some people can’t stand Ellis but I always feel sorry for him. In his way, he was trying to help and you could tell that he was so proud of himself for not telling Gruber that McClane was in Los Angeles to see Holly.

Needless to say, there’s a lot of action in Die Hard. A lot of people die. One thing that I appreciate the movie is that the bad guys get as upset over their friends and family being killed as McClane gets over Holly being threatening. No one in the film is one-dimensional and even the bad guys have their own distinct personalities. Theo (Clarence Gilyard) gets so excited about the idea of opening the vault that you can’t help but relate. Karl (Alexander Godonuv) appears to be nearly indestructible. Hans Gruber may be totally evil but he has a quick wit and there’s something intriguing about how confident he is. Alan Rickman, famously, was not happy that his first role led to him being typecast as an international villain and one can’t blame him. Still, almost every action movie villain who has followed has owed something to Alan Rickman. Just as it’s difficult to imagine anyone other than Bruce Willis as John McClane, it’s impossible to imagine anyone other than Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber.

(That said, I’m sure there’s another alternate universe out there, right next to the Sinatra universe, where Blade Runner was not as troubled a production as it was and, as a result, Die Hard was made with Ridley Scott directing, Harrison Ford starring as McClane, and Rutger Hauer playing Hans.)

For all of the action, there’s also a lot of moments that make me laugh out loud and I’m not just talking about McClane’s one liners. The two FBI agents don’t get much screentime but Davi and Bush make the most of what they have. Paul Gleason is wonderfully deadpan as the clueless Chief Robinson. Even Rickman gets his share of laughs. “I read about them in Time Magazine” indeed.

Die Hard is a Christmas tradition with my family and a lot of other families as well. Does Die Hard count as a Christmas movie? I would say yes. The terrorists may not respect the holiday but John McClane does. No one ruins McClane’s Christmas!

The TSL’s Grindhouse: Steele Justice (dir by Robert Boris)

Posted on August 18, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“You don’t recruit him! You unleash him!”

That’s what they say about John Steele, the man who Martin Kove plays in 1987’s Steele Justice. John Steele served in Vietnam and he was one of the best and most fearless members of the special forces. On the final day of the war, he was on the verge of arresting the corrupt General Kwan (Soon-Tek Oh) until Kwan suddenly announced that the war was over and the Americans were leaving. Steele laughed, shrugged, and turned his back on Kwan and started to walk away. Was Steele planning on just walking back to America? Well, regardless, Kwan shot Steele and his friend in the back. Fortunately, Steele survived. Steele may be stupid but he’s strong.

Years later, both Steele and Kwan are now living in California. Kwan is a prominent businessman who is also the secret leader of the Vietnamese mafia. Naturally, his main henchman is played by Al Leong. If Al Leong’s not working for you, are you even evil? John Steele has not been quite as successful. He was a cop until he got kicked off the force. Then he got a job transporting horses across California. Despite his cool guy name, John Steele doesn’t seem to be that good at anything that doesn’t involve killing people.

But then Kwan murders Steele’s best friend and former partner, Lee (Robert Kim). In fact, Kawn not only murders Lee but he also kills Lee’s entire family. The only survivor is Lee’s daughter, Cami (Jan Gan Boyd), a piano prodigy who is supposed to be 14 years old even though she’s being played by someone who is in her 20s. Steele and Lee’s former boss, Bennett (Ronny Cox), gives Steele permission to track down the people responsible for Lee’s death.

John Steele sets out to destroy Kwan. The film gives us a lot of reasons to be on Steele’s side but it’s hard not to notice that a lot of innocent people end up getting killed as a result of Steele’s vendetta. Any time that Steele goes anywhere, Kwan’s people attack and a bunch of innocent bystanders get caught in the crossfire. For example, Steele’s ex, Tracy (Sela Ward), agrees to look after Cami. It turns out that Tracy is a music video director and, of course, she takes Cami to work with her. The video shoot turns into a bloodbath, with even the members of the band getting gunned down. And yet, not even Tracy seems to be particularly disturbed by that. One might think that Tracy would at least sarcastically say something like, “Hey, John, thanks for getting the band killed before I got paid,” but no. Tracy just kind of laughs it all off. At no point does Steele or Bennett or really anyone seem to feel bad about all of the people who get killed as a result of the decision to unleash John Steele. Those people had hopes and dreams too, you know.

I really like Martin Kove on Cobra Kai. I love how his portrayal of the over-the-hill and burned-out John Kreese manages to be both intimidating and pathetic at the same time. I’ve also seen a number of interviews with Kove, in which he’s discussed his career as an exploitation mainstay and he always comes across as being well-spoken and intelligent. That said, Martin Kove appears to be totally lost in Steele Justice, unsure if he should be playing John Steele as a grim-faced avenger or as a quick-with-a-quip action hero. Whenever Steele is angry, Kove looks like he’s on the verge of tears. Whenever Steele makes a joke, Kove smiles like an overage frat boy who, while cleaning out his old storage unit, has just discovered his long lost copy of Bumfights. It’s a confused performance but, to be honest, no one really comes out of Steele Justice looking good. This is a film that features a lot of talented actors looking completely and totally clueless as to why they’re there.

On the plus side, Steele Justice did give this world this totally intimidating shot of Martin Kove, preparing to be get and give justice. Recruit him? No, just unleash him!

Film Review: Hard Hunted (dir by Andy Sidaris)

Posted on March 11, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Uh-oh! A master criminal is trying to sell a nuclear device to terrorists and it’s up to the most secret law enforcement agency in the world to stop him! How secret is this agency? It’s so secret that it’s based in Dallas but most of its agents live in Hawaii. It’s so secret that there’s an entire Hawaiian radio station that exists for the sole purpose of broadcasting heavily coded messages. It’s the type of agency that continues to employ an agent who can’t shoot a gun and where the completion of successful mission is celebrated with a hot tub party.

As you probably guessed, 1992’s Hard Hunted is an Andy Sidaris film.

Hard Hunted picks up where Do Or Die left off. Master criminal Kane is still at large and planning to do various evil things. It’s up to Donna (Dona Speir) and Nicole (Roberta Vasquez) to catch him but their search for him mostly seems to mostly amount to spending a lot of time sunbathing in Arizona. Fortunately, there are two other agents, currently working undercover as members of Kane’s operation. Considering how dangerous and evil Kane apparently is, you have to wonder why the agency never just takes out Kane. I guess that wouldn’t be ethical or something.

In Do Or Die, Kane was an elderly Japanese man who made a big deal about fair play and his code of honor. In Hard Hunted, Kane is suddenly a young and handsome British man. He’s played by RJ Moore, who was the son of Roger Moore. Kane is now charming and sexy and that’s good. If you’re the type who continually threatens to destroy the world, you should definitely be hot because otherwise, people are going to get sick of you.

Anyway, Kane has a nuclear trigger device that he wants to sell to terrorists. He keeps the device hidden in a jade Buddha. One of the undercover agents manages to run off with the trigger so Kane sends his number one henchman, Raven (Al Leong), to retrieve it before it gets into the hands of Donna and Nicole.

There are two things to notice about Raven.

First off, as you can tell from the picture above, Raven wears a jacket with a lion’s hand emblem on it. Kane is apparently big into branding because all of his henchmen wear clothing with the lion’s head emblem. It would seem to me that, when you’re a global supper villain, it might be a mistake to advertise yourself but Kane apparently feels differently.

The other good thing about Raven is that he’s played by Al Leong. Leong, who got his start as a stuntman, is a character actor who has been playing evil henchman since the 1980s. Leong always brings a lot style to these roles and he does so again in Hard Hunted. In fact, he’s the second best thing about this largely misbegotten movie, right behind his helicopter.

Anyway, as for the film itself, it’s stupid even by the standards of Andy Sidaris. This time, most of the action takes place in Arizona. The biggest plot development is that Donna strikes her head on a rock and spend the latter half of the film suffering from amnesia and being held hostage by Pico (Roberto Obregon). While Donna’s out-of-commission, it’s up to Bruce (Bruce Penhall), Shane (Michael Shane), and Nicole to step up and take care of the situation. It’s all typical Sidaris mayhem, with stuff blowing up and final justice being meted out with yet another rocket launcher.

It may not make any sense, but at least it has Al Leong and a helicopter!

Film Review: Savage Beach (dir by Andy Sidaris)

Posted on March 8, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1989’s Savage Beach is yet another Andy Sidaris film that doesn’t make a damn bit of sense.

This time, Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) have been hired to perform a very important mission. You may remember that Donna works for a super secret government agency while, at one point, Taryn was in the witness protection program. As a part of their cover, they fly a plane in Hawaii, making deliveries and giving tours.

(To be honest, you would think that, after everything that happened in Hard Ticket To Hawaii and Picasso Trigger, their cover would have blown but apparently not.)

Anyway, this time, they’ve been hired to fly a very important vaccine to a nearby island. They manage to deliver the vaccine but a huge storm has come up. As soon as they get back in their plane and start back towards Hawaii, Donna says, “Shouldn’t we get out of these wet clothes?” While usually I roll my eyes at all of the nudity in Sidaris’s films, I have to admit that line made me laugh out loud. Maybe it was just the sincerity with which Dona Speir delivered it. Or maybe it’s just the fact that Andy Sidaris actually sat down, thought up that line, wrote it down, and then directed someone saying it. One thing that can definitely be said for Andy Sidaris: as a filmmaker, he was totally without shame.

Anyway, the storm gets really bad and Donna and Taryn end up crashing on what they think is a deserted island. Neither of them appear to be too upset about being stranded on that island, perhaps because Savage Beach was filmed nearly two decade before Lost. Make no doubt about it, Donna and Taryn are optimists!

It turns out that they’re not alone. Apparently, there’s treasure buried on the island and, as a result, all sorts of people are showing up. Most of them are villainous. Some of them are heroic. There’s even another Abilene cousin, Shane Abilene (Michael J. Shane). Everyone wants that treasure. Everyone except for … THE WARRIOR!

Who is the Warrior (Michael Mikasa)? He was a soldier in the Japanese army during World War II. Left behind on the island, he’s still fighting the war. Or something. Actually, it’s not always easy to understand what the Warrior or anyone else is doing on the island. The Warrior does decide to protect Donna and Taryn and both of them try to keep his existence a secret from the rest of the people on the island but that doesn’t really work out.

Honestly, Savage Beach should not have been as complicated as it was. It should have been a simple story where Donna and Taryn outwitted a bunch of pirates on a desert island. Instead, more and more people just keep showing up on that beach. Good luck trying to keep them all straight.

It’s probably unnecessary to say that Savage Beach was a mess. I think “mess” is probably one of the words most commonly used in any review of an Andy Sidaris film. However, like most Sidaris films, the whole thing is too good-natured to really dislike. In fact, the plot is so incoherent that it actually becomes strangely fascinating.

Add to that, as a result of watching Savage Beach, I now know that you can safely undress and fly a plane at the same time. If I ever get my pilot’s license, I’ll be sure to remember that!