Film Review: Enemy Gold (dir by Christian Drew Sidaris)


The 1993 film, Enemy Gold, actually gets off to a promising start, with a series of scenes that take place during the Civil War.  Men in gray uniforms wander through the woods, looking for a place to hide their gold.

Now, you’ll notice that I said that it was a promising start.  I didn’t necessarily say it was a good start.  To be honest, when I first saw the soldiers, I thought they were supposed to be Civil War reenactors.  The haircuts, the facial hair, even the relatively cleanliness of the uniforms; nothing that we see really suggests that we’ve been transported back to the 1860s.

That said, I’m a history nerd and I’ve always been fascinated with the Civil War.  Even if it’s a totally unconvincing recreation, I’m always interested in seeing a movie about the period.  I was even more interested when I discovered that the film’s Confederates were supposed to be members of Quantrill’s Raiders.  William Quantrill was one of the more infamous sociopaths to come out of the Civil War and many of the famous outlaws of the Old West served with Quantrill.  There’s always been rumors that, before he was killed by Union forces, Quantrill hid his gold in Texas.  That rumors rests at the heart of Enemy Gold.

Of course, it takes a while to get around the gold.  After the Civil War-set prologue, Enemy Gold jumps to the 1990s.  A group of secret agents are preparing to attack a bunch of drug smugglers.  One of the agents is played by an actor named Bruce Penhall, who previously played special agent Bruce Christian in the last few Andy Sidaris films.  Despite the fact that Enemy Gold was directed by Sidaris’s son, Christian Drew Sidaris, it’s quickly established that Bruce Penhall is not playing Bruce Christian in this film.  Instead, he’s playing Chris Cannon, a character who is exactly the same as Bruce Christian except that Cannon’s jokes are even worse than Christian’s.  His two colleagues are named Mark Austin (Mark Barriere) and Suzi Midnite (Suzi Simpson).

(I was once tempted to change my name to Lisa Marie Midnite.  I might still do it if I ever have to flee the country.)

Anyway, Chris, Mark, and Suzi manage to take down the drug smugglers.  Great job, right?  Wrong.  It turns out that their boss, Dickson (Alan Abew), doesn’t appreciate them or their extreme methods.  Dickson tells them that they’re suspended!

The three agents aren’t that upset about being suspended, though.  It just means more time to hang out and maybe even go into the woods and search for Quantrill’s gold!

However, it turns out that they’re not the only ones who want the gold.  An evil drug dealer, Santiago (Rodrigo Obregon), wants the gold and he’s hired a deadly assassin named Jewel Panther (Julie Strain) to help him get it.  In case you were wondering why Dickson is such a jerk, it probably has something to do with the fact that he’s secretly working for Santiago!

Soon, everyone is in the woods, getting naked, and blowing stuff up.  It’s a typical Sidaris film, right down to the reoccurring cast members and the terrible jokes.  Actually, I take that back.  The jokes in Enemy Gold are even worse than the typical Sidaris jokes.

A typical exchange from Enemy Gold:

“What’s up?”

“I am.”

I probably would have enjoyed Enemy Gold is the action had remained in the 19th century.  The Civil War scenes may not have been convincing but at least they were dealing with an interesting period of time.  Instead, the action jumped to the early 90s and the film got bogged down with drug smugglers and stuff like that.

Along with just being a generally dumb movie, Enemy Gold lacks the self-awareness that made films like Hard Ticket To Hawaii and Malibu Express somewhat enjoyable.  The two best things about the film are Rodrigo Obregon and Julie Strain, who go totally overboard as the villains and provide the type of performances that a film like this needs.  (At times, Obregon reminded me of Tommy Wiseau.)  By contrast, our three heroes are remarkably dull.

If you’re a fan of stuff blowing up and Civil War trivia, Enemy Gold might occasionally hold your interest. Roberto Obregon,  Otherwise, this is a film that you won’t regret missing.

 

Film Review: Savage Beach (dir by Andy Sidaris)


1989’s Savage Beach is yet another Andy Sidaris film that doesn’t make a damn bit of sense.

This time, Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) have been hired to perform a very important mission.  You may remember that Donna works for a super secret government agency while, at one point, Taryn was in the witness protection program.  As a part of their cover, they fly a plane in Hawaii, making deliveries and giving tours.

(To be honest, you would think that, after everything that happened in Hard Ticket To Hawaii and Picasso Trigger, their cover would have blown but apparently not.)

Anyway, this time, they’ve been hired to fly a very important vaccine to a nearby island.  They manage to deliver the vaccine but a huge storm has come up.  As soon as they get back in their plane and start back towards Hawaii, Donna says, “Shouldn’t we get out of these wet clothes?”  While usually I roll my eyes at all of the nudity in Sidaris’s films, I have to admit that line made me laugh out loud.  Maybe it was just the sincerity with which Dona Speir delivered it.  Or maybe it’s just the fact that Andy Sidaris actually sat down, thought up that line, wrote it down, and then directed someone saying it.  One thing that can definitely be said for Andy Sidaris: as a filmmaker, he was totally without shame.

Anyway, the storm gets really bad and Donna and Taryn end up crashing on what they think is a deserted island.  Neither of them appear to be too upset about being stranded on that island, perhaps because Savage Beach was filmed nearly two decade before Lost.  Make no doubt about it, Donna and Taryn are optimists!

It turns out that they’re not alone.  Apparently, there’s treasure buried on the island and, as a result, all sorts of people are showing up.  Most of them are villainous.  Some of them are heroic.  There’s even another Abilene cousin, Shane Abilene (Michael J. Shane).  Everyone wants that treasure.  Everyone except for … THE WARRIOR!

Who is the Warrior (Michael Mikasa)?  He was a soldier in the Japanese army during World War II.  Left behind on the island, he’s still fighting the war.  Or something.  Actually, it’s not always easy to understand what the Warrior or anyone else is doing on the island.  The Warrior does decide to protect Donna and Taryn and both of them try to keep his existence a secret from the rest of the people on the island but that doesn’t really work out.

Honestly, Savage Beach should not have been as complicated as it was.  It should have been a simple story where Donna and Taryn outwitted a bunch of pirates on a desert island.  Instead, more and more people just keep showing up on that beach.  Good luck trying to keep them all straight.

It’s probably unnecessary to say that Savage Beach was a mess.  I think “mess” is probably one of the words most commonly used in any review of an Andy Sidaris film.  However, like most Sidaris films, the whole thing is too good-natured to really dislike.  In fact, the plot is so incoherent that it actually becomes strangely fascinating.

Add to that, as a result of watching Savage Beach, I now know that you can safely undress and fly a plane at the same time.  If I ever get my pilot’s license, I’ll be sure to remember that!