Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.19 “The Home Invaders”

Posted on January 22, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Crockett and Castillo take down some home invaders. Yes, Crockett and Castillo. Not Crockett and Tubbs. Read on to find out why.

Episode 1.19 “The Home Invaders”

(Dir by Abel Ferrara, originally produced by March 15th, 1985)

Always do your research.

Philip Michael Thomas does not appear in this episode of Miami Vice. At the start of the episode, it’s mentioned that he’s in New York, visiting Valerie Gordon. It’s a line that sounds like it was written at the spur of the moment and, when I heard it, I assumed that there had been some sort of behind-the-scenes drama between Thomas and the producers. Fortunately, before I went with that and said something snarky, I actually looked up the reason for Thomas’s absence and I discovered that he was injured performing a stunt in the previous episode. Thomas missed this episode because he was recovering. As well, this was the only episode that he missed during the entire run of Miami Vice.

Thomas may be absent but that doesn’t mean that crime is going to take a break in Miami. A series of violent home invasions lead to Crockett and Castillo getting temporarily assigned to the robbery division. Crockett is excited to be working under his former boss and mentor, Lt. John Malone (Jack Kehoe). Castillo quickly realizes that Malone has gotten rusty and that his investigation into the robberies has been sloppy.

This is a moody episode, with the emphasis as much on Crockett’s disillusionment with his old boss as with the efforts to catch the home invaders. That said, the home invaders are a scary bunch. Led by Esai Morales and David Patrick Kelly, they are totally ruthless and willing to kill anyone who fails to move quickly enough. The scenes in which they break into various mansions and threaten the inhabitants are difficult to watch and it definitely captures the trauma of having your personal space invaded and your sense of safety destroyed.

(When I was 17, our house was broken into and, for months, I couldn’t sleep through the night. Almost every night, I was woken up by what I thought was the sound of someone breaking into my house and I would end up walking through the house in my nightclothes, carrying a golf club for protection. One night, I nearly hit my sister when she came out of the kitchen with a midnight snack. It may sound funny now but, at the time, it was terrifying.)

It ends with a shootout that’s violent even by the standards of Miami Vice. Castillo and Crockett gun down the bad guys and it’s hard not to notice that, while Crockett seems to be clearly upset by the fact that he had to kill a few men, Castillo barely shows any emotion at all. Castillo is effective because he holds back his feelings about everything. That’s also why Castillo, and not Crockett, is capable of seeing that Lt. Malone is past his prime. With the home invaders neutralized, Malone tells Crockett that he’s quitting the force. His days of being an effective detective are over. The job and all of the terrible stuff that he deals with on a daily basis has left him burned out and it’s hard not to notice that he and Crockett are the same age. Fighting crime in Miami takes a toll.

This episode was directed by Abel Ferrara, who keeps the action moving quickly and who fills the screen with ennui-drenched images of people who are not sure whether they’re making any difference at all. This is an effective episode, even without the presence of Ricardo Tubbs.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Degrassi Junior High 2.4 “Dinner & A Show”

Posted on January 21, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989! The series can be streamed on YouTube!

In yourself, you must believe….

Episode 2.4 “Dinner & A Show”

(Dir by John Bertram, originally aired on January 25th, 1988)

It’s a night of awkward dates and dinners on this week’s episode of Degrassi Junior High!

Yick Yu finally works up the courage to ask Melanie if she would like to go to a movie with him. While Kathleen rolls her eyes in the background, Melanie says that she’d love to see a movie with Yick. Yick suggests that they see Revenge of the Reptile, which is really gory and features killer reptiles! Melanie says that she’s not into any of that and suggests that they instead see Crying Into The Wind. Yick agrees, even though it’s obvious that Crying Into The Wind is not a film that is going to appeal to a typical 13 year-old male.

After Yick leaves, Kathleen makes fun of Melanie for having a date. Melanie replies that it’s not a date. She and Yick are just friends and Melanie is looking for “a man.” Right on schedule, Snake walks up and asks Melanie if she wants to see a movie. Melanie, forgetting all about her plans with Yick, says, “Sure!” Snake suggests Revenge of the Reptile. Melanie, forgetting that she’s not into gory reptile films, says, “Sure!”

Poor Yick is heartbroken when Melanie tells him that something has come up and she won’t be able to go to the movies with him. Arthur suggests that Yick cheer himself up by going to see Revenge of the Reptile….

Meanwhile, Shane’s parents want to have dinner with Spike and her mother. Shane’s parents have decided a few things. First off, the baby is going to be given up for adoption. Secondly, Shane is going to private school. While sending Shane to a private school might not be a bad idea, deciding what’s going to happen to the baby before they’ve even met Spike or her mother is definitely not cool. Shane’s parents are the first of many bad parents that will show up over the course of Degrassi’s long history.

Spike decides to just not tell her mom about the dinner invitation. But then Shane’s parents call personally and invite them to a fancy restaurant. Needless to say, it’s not a pleasant dinner. Shane’s father not only wants to send Shane to private school but he also thinks that Spike should be sent to a home for unwed mothers, like a character in a 1930s farm melodrama. Shane’s mother, meanwhile, makes no secret of the fact that she blames Spike more than she blames her son. Finally, Shane stands up for himself and says that he’s not going to go to private school. Of course, Shane then ruins the moment by saying that he’s ready to be a father. No, Shane, you’re not. You’re barely ready to be in the 8th Grade.

At the movie theater, Snake and Melanie discover that they really don’t have much in common. Snake may be a nice guy but he’s a terrible conversationalist. Joey and Wheels, upset that they don’t have dates, show up and spend the whole time making snarky comments. (Joey brings along a toy Godzilla that he uses to try to scare Melanie.) Worst of all, Yick shows up and finds himself staring straight at Melanie. Melanie smiles awkwardly while Yick’s heart breaks once again.

The next day, at school, Melanie tells Kathleen that her date wasn’t that great. Meanwhile, Spike asks Shane if he even wants her to have the baby and Shane can’t answer.

I loved the way the episode contrasted the awkwardness of Melanie’s date with the awkwardness of Spike’s dinner. Melanie’s problems are nowhere near as serious as Spike’s but both of them are a result of immature people trying to make mature decisions. The main theme of this episode is that no one is ready to be an adult. Melanie says that she’s ready to date “a man,” but she can’t even find it in herself to be honest with Yick. Yick and Snake both want to start dating but they’re still incapable of understanding that Revenge of the Reptile is not exactly a romantic movie. Shane wants to be a father but can barely stand up to his own parents. Shane’s parents may be adults but they don’t understand that being an adult means talking to other people before deciding their lives for them. The only person who truly understands how lost everyone is Spike and all she can do is try to make it day-by-day.

Watching an episode like this, it’s nice to know that Spike will eventually find happiness with Snake and that her daughter will grow up to be Emma. I can only imagine how emotionally devastating all of this must have been for people watching it for the first time in 1988. Degrassi Junior High rarely offered false hope, which is why it remains relevant today.

Retro Television Reviews: The Hippie Temptation (dir by Warren Wallace)

Posted on January 21, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1967’s The Hippie Temptation! It can be viewed on YouTube.

“This is a hippie,” a sober and serious voice says over the image of a rather clean-cut young man sitting in a park.

So starts the 1967 CBS news documentary, The Hippie Temptation. Hosted by a white-haired and distinguished voiced journalist named Harry Reasoner, The Hippie Temptation takes a look at the subculture that, in 1967, was taking the youth of America by storm. Reasoner walks through the Haight Ashbury neighborhood of San Francisco, followed by a group of hippies who hang on every word.

Hippies, Harry explains, their very name suggests that they are hip!

Harry Reasoner talks about how the hippies are predominantly liberal and say that they are dropping out of a society that they consider to be hypocritical. They have no interest in what their straight parents are concerned with. Harry’s tone goes from being gently condescending to rather alarmed as he explains that hippies use a new illegal drug called LSD to try to open up their minds. The bad trip, Harry says, is always a possibility and suddenly, the screen is full of Dutch angle images of San Francisco.

The majority of this documentary focuses on the dangers of LSD. A pipe-smoking scientist shows a diagram of a chromosome of a repeated LSD user. The repeated use of LSD is compared to having epilepsy. Harry says that LSD is illegal in California but it’s still easy to find in San Francisco. No mention is made of marijuana or heroin or any of the other drugs that may have been a part of the Haight Ashbury scene.

Harry is a bit surprised that the hippies are not particularly concerned about what the scientists think about LSD. The Hippie Temptation is to not care about consequences and to instead do whatever you want. Harry discusses how the hippies claim not to care about money or material things but, as he points out, some people are getting rich in Haight Ashbury. He drops in to visit a local band called the Grateful Dead “who appear to be living in affluence.” The members of the band admit that they also use LSD and other drugs. Harry shows us a performance of the Grateful Dead performing and comments on how the light show is designed to imitate a psychedelic experience.

(Along with the Grateful Dead, future actor Peter Coyote also appears briefly, giving out free food as a member of a collective called The Diggers.)

Hippies can make money, Harry says, if they can find an employer who doesn’t mind long hair and strange clothing. It’s hard not to smile at this comment because, by today’s standards, the hippies in this documentary look remarkably preppy and almost conservative. Turtlenecks, colorful shirts, and neck length hair no longer come across as being the height of rebellion. The majority of the hippies that Harry talks to look like they could be accountants.

This is one of those documentaries where the older generation tries to figure out why their kids are so weird. It’s hard not to smile at the sight of a clearly uncomfortable Harry Reasoner being surrounded by a bunch of future accountants and middle managers. That said, this documentary was an interesting time capsule. It was a chance to see a firsthand account of what people were worried about in 1967.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check It Out! 1.15 “Otherwise Engaged”

Posted on January 20, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Edna’s mother visits!

Episode 1.15 “Otherwise Engaged”

(Dir by John Bell, originally aired on January 22nd, 1986)

This week’s episode is way too dependent on the idiot plot.

The idiot plot is one of those stories where every complication is the result of everyone acting like an idiot and then reacting even more like an idiot. Plots like this drive me crazy and, to be honest, it’s difficult for me to watch them. The solutions are always so simple that it’s hard not to get frustrated with everyone’s refusal not to be stupid. Idiot plots are probably closer to reality than most people might wan to admit. There’s a lot of idiots out there.

As for this episode, it opens with everyone admiring Marlene’s diamond engagement ring. Marlene has a new boyfriend, a guy who she met at night and become engaged to in the morning. Marlene isn’t sure what the guy’s name is but she does appreciate his taste in jewelry. This part of the show was funny, largely because Kathleen Laskey played Marlene as being an unapologetic force of chaos. She’s the Kyrsten Sinema of Canada.

But then Marlene allows Edna (who has been dating Howard for years without a proposal) to wear the ring and — surprise! — Edna can’t get it off. And then Edna’s overbearing mother (Nancy Kerr) shows up and thinks that Edna and Howard are engaged. And, instead of telling her the truth, Edna and Howard allow her to believe it. Even when Edna’s mother starts planning the wedding, Edna and Howard do not tell her the truth. Seriously, Howard …. Edna …. JUST TELL HER! Or don’t tell her and then get married because, seriously, why not? If nothing else, it would take care of all the ethical issues that are currently raised by Howard dating one of his employees.

Now, there are some funny moments in this episode. Edna’s mother wears perfume that is so strong that the store’s customers start to pass out. One woman is splashed with a bucket of water and ends up changing her clothes in Howard’s office. Edna isn’t happy about that but then Christian explains to her what was going on. See? Misunderstandings are easily resolved when you EXPLAIN things. It’s not that difficult.

In the end, it turns out that Marlene’s boyfriend is a jewel thief. (Marlene doesn’t care because Marlene is all about breaking the rules.) Edna’s mother learns the truth and decides to move to the city so she can be closer to Edna and Howard. Edna is happy. Howard less so.

Anyway, this episode made me chuckle a few times but, ultimately, it was just too dependent on everyone acting like an idiot. Edna just needs to accept that she’s never going to get married.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 3.6 “Just Testing”

Posted on January 20, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

It’s time for Barbarino to finally take his makeup exam!

Episode 3.6 “Just Testing”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on October 6th, 1977)

With Julie busy with the babies, Gabe resorts to telling Mr. Woodman about his Uncle Rodney who was mugged by an elephant. Mr. Woodman laughs so much that Gabe gets nervous.

Actually, Gabe has a lot to be nervous about. Julie is so busy with the babies that their tiny apartment is now a mess. Gabe finds the coffee percolator in the bathroom and his favorite tie in a diaper pail. (“It was my favorite tie,” Gabe says.) On top of all that, it’s nearly time for Barbarino to take his make-up exam but, in typical Barbarino fashion, he hasn’t been studying. Instead, as he explains to Gabe, he’s been waiting for Gabe to tutor him. Frustrated by Barbarino’s refusal to take responsibility for his own future, Gabe refuses to help Barbarino study. Not even Barbarino and the other Sweathogs coming to the apartment can change Gabe’s mind.

Fortunately, Julie can. Julie has gone from hating the Sweathogs to appreciating their loyalty to each other. She tells Gabe that she thinks that he’s making a mistake by refusing to help Barbarino. Gabe realizes that she’s right but, at the same time, Julie needs help around the apartment.

Don’t worry, Gabe! Freddie, Epstein, and Horshack are more than willing to clean up the apartment! While Gabe meets with Barbarino and Julie sleeps on the couch, the Sweathogs stuff all of the trash into a closet. It’s a funny gag and it’s certainly true to the character of the Sweathogs. But, as a self-confessed neat freak, I have to say that I cringed as soon as Gabe opened that closet door and all of that trash came tumbling out. It was like someone filmed my greatest nightmare.

As far as the tutoring goes, it’s not easy to teach Barbarino. Barbarino is an idiot and he’s lucky that he looks like a young John Travolta. Still, Gabe is able to get Barbarino to understand how cell division works. Barbarino may not know how to read or count but he does understand mitosis.

And that’s good because there’s a question about mitosis on the makeup exam! To Woodman’s apparent chagrin, Barbarino passes the exam by one point. (“Who knew he would know what mitosis is!” Woodman says.) While Barbarino and the Sweathogs go off to celebrate, Gabe takes a look at the exam and sees that Woodman put together a very easy exam. Apparently, Woodman’s not so mean! Awwwwww! That said, even with Gabe’s tutoring, Barbarino still barely passed an easy exam. Maybe he should stay in the 10th Grade….

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his two uncles who lived in Alabama. For once, Julie seems to be in a good mood. Alabama does that to people.

This episode worked, largely due to the charm of John Travolta. Barbarino may not be smart but he sure has a cute smile.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th 1.15 “Vanity’s Mirror”

Posted on January 19, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week’s episode is a classic of teen angst, vanity, and murder!

Episode 1.15 “Vanity’s Mirror”

(Dir by William Fruet, originally aired on February 29th, 1988)

Poor Helen Mackie (played by Ingrid Veninger)!

A student at Hamilton High, the shy and physically awkward Helen is as unpopular as her older and far more attractive sister, Joanne (Gwendoline Pacey), is popular. Helen has a crush on Scott Thomas (David Orth), who is Joanne’s boyfriend but little does she suspect that Scott is only nice to her because he’s trying to impress her sister. Scott’s friends, including Russell (who is played by Simon Reynolds, who also played Murray the bagboy on Check It Out!), all make fun of Helen and the fact that no one has asked her to prom.

However, things are about to change for Helen because she has gotten her hands on a gold compact. All she has to do is open the compact and shine the mirror in a boy’s direction and the boy will automatically fall in love with her. It happens with Russell. It happens with Greg (Zack Ward). And Helen hopes that it will happen with Scott as well. Of course, as with all the cursed antiques, there is a catch. Helen is driven to murder anyone who is in love with her.

Needless to say, Jack, Micki, and Ryan all show up and try to get the compact from Helen before she can use it to score a prom date. But this episode truly is Helen’s story and it is dominated by Ingrid Veninger’s performance as Helen. At first, it’s impossible not to feel sorry for Helen. Everyone at school is so cruel to her that you’re on her side. But once Helen actually starts using the mirror and killing her boyfriends, she becomes far less sympathetic. She gets way too much enjoyment out of killing people and the viewer is left to wonder if it was the cursed antique that corrupted Helen or if perhaps Helen is only now showing her true self. Has Helen always been evil or is she simply lashing out at a world that has always treated her like an outsider? It’s a fair question and not one that is easily answered.

In the end, having finally stolen her sister’s boyfriend and gotten the prom date that she always wanted, Helen climbs to the roof of her high school and then plunges to her death, taking Scott with her. Micki, Jack, and Ryan can only watch helplessly and then, to top it all off, the compact disappears once again. Someone (we don’t see their face) spots it on the ground and grabs it. Considering that the episode opened with Ryan and Jack finally rather cocky about their recent successes, this episode ends with a reminder that good does not always triumph.

In other words, this is a very dark episode but also a very effective one. If nothing else, it’s an episode that shows us why it’s so important to track down and take possession of the cursed antiques. There are a lot of Helen Mackies in the world.

Retro Television Reviews: T and T 2.13 “Hunted”

Posted on January 19, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, someone takes a contract out on T.S. Turner’s life!

Episode 2.13 “Hunted”

(Dir by Richard Oleksiak, originally aired on February 6th, 1989)

Someone has hired a hitman to take out T.S. Turner!

Fortunately, Hickson (Timothy Webber) is not a very good hitman and he somehow fails to shoot Turner despite having a high-powered rifle and, during the initial attempt on Turner’s life, the advantage of surprise. (Technically, he misses because T.S. moved to get a parking ticket off of his car’s windshield at the exact moment that Hickson fires his rile but still, it’s not like T.S. is a small target. The hitman just isn’t that good at his job.)

Despite the fact that someone has just tried to kill him, Turner doesn’t want to go to the police. This actually makes sense when you consider that Turner spent years in prison for a crime that he didn’t commit. He has every reason to distrust the police. He has personally experienced how they can screw up a case. That said, Amy decides to go to the police on her own. This leads to Detective Deakin (Matt Birmin) being assigned to keep Turner from leaving Decker’s Gym.

Turner is not happy about this and actually, it turns out that Turner’s instincts are correct. Deakin is the man who hired the hitman! It turns out that Deakin’s younger sister was an innocent bystander who was injured during a high-speed chase involving Turner and a bunch of criminals. Turner may have caught the criminals but Deakin’s sister slipped into a coma and died. Deakin has spent years obsessing on Turner and he is determined to get his revenge.

What’s interesting that, when Turner finds all of this out, he actually feel very guilty about what happened to Deakin’s sister, to the extent that he doesn’t blame Deakin for wanting him dead. One thing about action shows like this is that there are always innocent bystanders who witness every car chase or shoot-out but it’s rare that we ever hear about how they were effected by suddenly being exposed to so much violence. How does the person who witnesses a bad guy being shot just a few feet away from them react? How does it effect their lives? Myself, I would totally be freaked out and I would probably have trouble sleeping afterwards. Often times, shows like this concentrate so much on the action that they ignore the human aspect of it all. T and T deserves some credit for at least acknowledging that Turner’s actions, even when he’s fighting on the side of the law, have consequences.

That said, Deakin is still technically the bad guy and, when he and Hickson corner Turner in a water treatment plant, Turner points out that, as soon as Hickson shoots Turner, Deakin is going to shoot Hickson to cover up his involvement. This leads to Hickson turning on Deakin and the two of them end up shooting each other. Turner survives and hopefully, he’ll be a better drive from now on.

This was a surprisingly good episode. Matt Birmin gave a good performance as Deakin and the water treatment plant was a properly atmospheric location for a final stand-off. The second season of T and T has been hit-and-miss but this episode definitely worked.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.17 “As Difficult As ABC”

Posted on January 18, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark fight drug dealers and promote literacy!

Episode 1.17 “As Difficult As ABC”

(Dir by Victor French, originally aired on January 30th, 1985)

Brian Baldwin (Glenn-Michael Jones) appears to have a great future ahead of him.

Growing up in a poor neighborhood, Brian was tempted to get involved in the gang life, like so many of his friends did. However, Brian turned out to be a great basketball player and was given a full scholarship to a major university. As long as he played basketball and led the team to victory after victory, Brian wouldn’t even have to worry about going to class. As he points out, he got an A in his French class even though he never stepped into the classroom.

However, one day, Brian has chest pains and passes out. When Brian goes to the doctor, he is told that he has a heart condition but that it can be managed. However, Brian will never be able to play basketball again. His coach stops returning Brian’s calls and, when Brian confronts him in the gym, the coach explains that he only cares about winning and Brian can no longer help him do that. The coach complains about wasting a scholarship on Brian.

Brian drops out of school and returns to his old neighborhood. It’s there that he tells his mom (played by Beah Richards) the secret that he’s been hiding. Brian is illiterate! Because he was such a good basketball player, the school system never worried about teaching him anything. Now, Brian has lost his scholarship and, it would appear, his future.

Fortunately, Jonathan and Mark roll into town. Mark gets a job working as a janitor at an adult literacy school. Jonathan gets a job working at the community center. Jonathan encourages Brian to both learn how to read and to date his teacher, Julie Reynolds (Deborah Lacey). (Fear not, they’re the same age.) Brian also gets a job as a neighborhood basketball coach and tries to keep all of his players from getting hooked on drugs.

Luckily, Jonathan and Victor are able to help with the drug situation. They go undercover and, in a rather weird scene that features Jonathan in a leather jacket and Terminator-style shades, they offer to pay the local drug dealer two million dollars in return for cocaine. The dealer agrees to meet with them at the school, where he and his associates steal the briefcase with the money and make a run for it. However, they are grabbed by the cops and suddenly, all of the money in the briefcase turns into cocaine! Off the dealers go to prison. With the dealers gone and Brian reading, it’s time for Jonathan and Mark to move on.

This was one of those well-intentioned episodes that attempted to do a bit too much. Not only did the episode feature Brian learning that he could still be an important member of his community even if he couldn’t play basketball but it also featured him learning to read and trying to clean up the neighborhood. Instead of focusing on one story, this episode focuses on three and, as a result, each story feels a bit rushed and simplistic. Brian is reading in no time and the drug dealers turn out to be pretty easy to fool. This episode is optimistic but rather unconvincing.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.6 “Their Divided Self”

Posted on January 17, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Tubi.

This week, it’s the worst episode of Monsters yet!

Episode 1.16 “Their Divided Self”

(Dir by Frank De Palma, originally aired on February 25th, 1989)

Bleh.

James (David L. Lander) and Robert Self (Keith MacKechnie) are conjoined twins who found fame as a stand-up comedy team but who now spend all of their time isolated in their mansion and arguing with each other. They hate one another but they’re literally stuck with each other. And, since they share the same lungs and heart, they can’t really fight with each other.

James’s girlfriend (Karen Harber) hires Dr. Blackman (Rich Hall) to help the twins but even Dr. Blackman’s years of psychiatric experience can’t seem to convince the twins to stop bickering. However, when Dr. Blackman says that he wants to write a book about the twins, the twins announce that they resent being exploited and they kill the doctor. It’s a murder that brings them together as siblings.

The end.

This was a dumb and pointless episode and I’m not going to waste too much time on it. Making conjoined twins into the episode’s “monster,” just feels wrong on so many levels. What feels even more wrong is not really doing anything interesting with them. If you’re villain is going to be borderline offensive, at least find a way to make the character interesting. There’s probably an interesting story to be found in the idea of two conjoined twins hating but needing each other but this episode is not served well by either its script or its performances. (Some really shoddy FX doesn’t help either. From the minute they appear, their big, boxy suit makes it obvious that the two actors are just standing next to each other.)

Hopefully, next week’s episode will be better.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 3.26 “Vicki’s First Love/The High Cost of Living/Accident Prone”

Posted on January 17, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

The Love Boat promises something for everyone!

Episode 3.26 “Vicki’s First Love/The High Cost of Loving/Accident Prone”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on April 5th, 1980)

It’s not easy growing up on a cruise ship. That was one of the main takeaways that I took from this week’s episode of The Love Boat. Vicki is really excited when singer Mark Redding (Rex Smith) boards the ship. She has a huge crush on him and she even gets to give him a tour of the boat.

Of course, despite his teen idol status, Mark is an adult and famous and being pursued by almost every woman on the ship. Vicki feels insecure compared to the other women who are pursuing Mark. (Of course, those women are all in their 20s while Vicki is 12.) Eventually, Captain Stubing has one of his fatherly conversations with her and Vicki realizes that she doesn’t have to grow up quickly. It’s a simple storyline but it’s nicely performed by both Jill Whelan and Gavin MacLeod and, speaking as someone who wanted to be an adult when she was 12, I could relate to Vicki’s feelings. I was also glad that Mark turned out to be not a sleazy rock star, even if he was a bit superficial. The Love Boat is a place for romance, not debauchery.

As for the other two storylines, one featured Steve Kanaly as Mr. Massey, a wealthy man who is paying a former lover palimony. At his lawyer’s insistence, he boards the boat with a series of contracts. Before he get involved with any woman, he is supposed to get her to sign an agreement not to sue him for palimony. Needless to say, this does not make Massey’s romantic life easy. Finally, he decides to forget about the contract, just for his shipboard hook-up to present him with a contract of her own. Apparently, everyone’s scared of getting sued!

Speaking of getting sued, Tom Barry (Alan Feinstein) boards the boat with a broken leg and is shocked to discover that the bad driver responsible for the accident that injured him is on the boat as well! Karen (Britt Ekland) is a bit accident-prone but, despite the awkwardness of their first meeting, Tom and Karen fall in love. Tom even agrees to not sue her. Yay! I love a happy ending.

This was an enjoyable episode of The Love Boat. With the exception of Tom and Karen’ story, there really wasn’t much romance. There was just Vicki feeling insecure but coming to realize that she was just fine the way she was and then there was Mr. Massey trying to balance getting laid with remaining legally safe. But the Vicki storyline was sensitive and intelligent while the Mr. Massey storyline featured some nice comedic desperation from Steve Kanaly. Even Alan Feinstein and Britt Ekland had a really likable chemistry. All in all, this was a pleasant cruise.