Category Archives: TV

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Super Bowl Half-Time Show

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

As I type this, it is a little after midnight which means that technically, I did watch the Super Bowl Half-Time Show last night.

Why Was I Watching It?

To be honest, this was the first Super Bowl I’ve ever actually seen.  I’m not totally sure but I think this was also the first time that I’ve ever actually seen an entire football game.  I wasn’t planning on watching the Super Bowl.  As a matter of fact, I had already turned down an invitation to go to a super bowl party at my sister Megan’s precisely because I had decided I had no interest in watching the game.  I also turned down an invitation to go watch the game with Jeff’s family.  Instead, I thought I’d simply take advantage of everyone else watching the game by spending all of Sunday on a nice, big shopping spree.  However, about two hours into that spree, my asthma started to act up so I came home early, turned on the TV, and there was the game.  So, I left the game on while I did some online shopping (I nearly bought this until I noticed that it cost $725!) and then once I got onto twitter, everyone was talking about the game so I continued to watch the game and I ended up having so much fun commenting on it that I ended up watching the entire thing.  I do have to admit that I was, for the most part, completely and totally lost as to what was going on but no matter.  I had fun.

Anyway, once I started kinda watching the game, I realized there was no way I couldn’t watch the Super Bowl Half-Time Show. 

What’s It About?

Apparently, every year, some other band plays the Super Bowl during half-time.  This year, the band turned out to be the Black-Eyed Peas.  I have something of a girlcrush on Fergie.  Or at least I did until I saw the half-time show.

What Worked?

Uhmm…maybe this would work better if we start with what didn’t work.

What Didn’t Work?

Pretty much the entire show.  The Black Eyed Peas have been performing this exact same show for a few hundred years now and they could pretty much do it in their sleep which is what they appeared to be doing here. 

However, just saying that the Black Eyed Peas looked bored — well, that doesn’t begin to explain why this show inspired thousands of people to stare at their TV and scream, “Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off!” like George C. Scott in Hardcore.  It’s not just that the show was bad — it was that it was bad in so many different ways and, in each case, it stretched the boundaries of what had previously been considered to be a believable level of failure.

Hence, Will.i.am not only appeared to have been replaced by a robot but he appeared to have been replaced by a robot that was actually Cartman underneath a cardboard box.  Fergie — who, in the past, I felt never got enough credit (her performance in Nine was one of the few exciting moments in that film) — was not only pitchy but actually sounded like she was auditioning for American Idol.  The two other Black-Eyed Peas were — well, who really cares about them?

Then you had the dancers in the neon costumes who all looked like they had wandered off of the set of Tron.  And, seriously, do we really want to be reminded of Tron at this point?

And then, just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, Usher showed up.  “Look,” I said to my cat, “Usher’s still alive.”  “Meow,” the cat replied.  Usher sang a few notes that pretty much evaporated in the stadium and then jumped in the air and did the splits.  Which I guess would have been impressive except for the fact that he’s Usher and guys aren’t supposed to be able to do the splits like that.

I’m sure I could come up with a few more things that didn’t work but, quite frankly, I think my mind is repressing them right now.

What Worked?

Twitter.  In the nearly two years that I’ve been on twitter, I have never seen everyone as united as they were in their general ridicule of the Super Bowl halftime show.  So, in a strange way, the Black Eyed Peas brought the world together for about 15 minutes.

Here’s a few of my own tweets from the Half-Time Show:

Uhmm…is the half-time show a tribute to Tron? Where’s Jeff Bridges?

lol, Fergie couldn’t wait to get away from the rest of the Black Eyed Peas.

The Black-Eyed Peas are reminding me of that Stop Smoking Act from that episode of South Park.

The reason the crowd is cheering is b/c they can’t hear the Black Eyed Peas. That stadium is huge.

Oh good. I was just thinking that only Usher could save the half-time show.

And so, sadly, ends my girlcrush on Fergie.

Oh My God!  Just Like Me! Moments

I can’t sing that well either.

Lessons Learned

The Black Eyed Peas are about to reach that point where they end up with a reality show on VH1.

 

NBC Still Doesn’t Understand The Internet

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

A few days ago, an old clip from the Today Show showed up on YouTube.  That clip was from 1994 and it featured Katie Couric and Bryant Gumbel trying to figure out what the Internet is.  Apparently, the clip was posted by an employee of NBC.  If you’ve seen the clip, you already know that while it’s mildly amusing, it’s also pretty tame. 

Well, NBC didn’t see it that way because they’ve responded by 1) firing the guy who posted it and 2) pulling the clip off of YouTube so quickly that you’d think the NBC offices are located in either Egypt or Iran.

Well — joke’s on you, NBC.  As my friend Ron always reminds me whenever I post a picture on plixi during Thong Thursday, the Internet is forever and now, so is that clip.

So, here’s one of the many copies of that clip that can be found on YouTube.  See it now before NBC demands that it be pulled down.

(Incidentally, my mom always hated Bryant Gumbel and I can still remember, when I was 13 or maybe 14, laughing so hard when my mom turned on the TV and was greeted by his image.  “Pendejo,” she said as she changed the channel.) 

What Lisa Watched Last Night: Love Sick: Secrets of a Sex Addict (dir. by Grant Harvey)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

On Tuesday night, as the temperature outside plunged down to 13 degrees and the ice continued to build up on the street outside, I watched Love Sick: Secrets of a Sex Addict on the Lifetime Movie Network.

Why Was I Watching It?

Uhmmm…hello?  Check out the title.

What Was It About?

This is one of those movies that starts with “Based on a True Story” and then continues on with “Some names and details have been changed.”  So, in other words, this is all true except for the parts that are false.  (Actually, this film is based on a memoir by Sue Silverman.)

Sally Pressman stars as Sue Silverman.  Sue is a writer.  While she battles writer’s block, her husband spends his time going to work and then coming home and whining about it.  Apparently, every day, he comes home, refuses to have sex, and says something like, “You could get a job…”  Or, hey, buddy — here’s what you could do: adjust your bra and stop crying like a little bitch.  Seriously.

(Frequently asked question: When is the right time to call a man bitch?  Any time he starts acting like one.)

Anyway, Sue responds to this by going out and sleeping with every man in Canada with the exception of her husband and who can blame her when you consider that her husband is a little bitch. 

Soon, Sue is undressing whenever she find herself alone with a man — any man.  Her obsession with sex soon brings an end to her marriage and eventually Sue is forced to go through one of those pain-in-the-ass interventions where everyone sits around and goes, “You’re addiction has harmed me in the following ways: 1) you borrowed money to spend on lingerie and you have yet to pay me back, 2) you missed my birthday party, 3) you fucked my husband…”

So, poor Sue ends up at the rehab place where the whole thing is like tough love and all “You will obey these rules or we’ll kick you out.  So there!”  Among the many rules: “No masturbation, no lingerie, no smoking, no avoiding eating, no throwing up…”  Uhm, fascist much?

(And also, what type of man leaves his wife because she wants to have sex?  Seriously, what a toadsucker.)

What Worked?

Oh, it all worked.  This was pure Lifetime Movie goodness in that it took a whole lot of serious issues and then presented them in such a way that made it impossible to take any of it seriously.  Ominous music, over-the-top dramatic line readings, and finally, a therapist who says exactly the right thing and magically makes all of the problems disappear.

Plus, I love that title.

What Didn’t Work?

Technically, the acting was pretty bad (with the exception of Sally Pressman) and the film dragged once Sue got into therapy.  But who cares?  Just check out that title.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

Towards the end of the film, Sue says that knowing she was desired was occasionally the only thing that she could cling to, the only thing that allowed her to maintain her fragile sense of identity.  I’ve been there.  Who hasn’t?

I also share Sue’s obsession with black underwear.  Seriously, you can’t look bad in black lingerie.

Lessons Learned 

Some men, apparently, actually do say “Not tonight, I’m tired” when it comes to sex.  I’m still having a hard time buying that one.

Rehab is not fun.

 

What Lisa Watched Last Night: Doing Time On Maple Drive (dir. by Ken Olin)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Early Friday morning, I found myself watching an old school made-for-TV movie, Doing Time On Maple Drive, on the Lifetime Movie Network.  If you’ve heard of this film, it’s probably because it features a kinda young Jim Carrey in a supporting role.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because when it’s 3 a.m. and you’re getting hit by the old insomnia curse, what’s a girl to do put turn on the TV and change the channel to the Lifetime Movie Network?

What’s It About?

The Carters appear to be the perfect American family.  They’ve got a beautiful house in the suburbs (on Maple Drive, no less), the children are all handsome and intelligent, the dad is a succesful businessman, the mom a perfect homemaker, and blah blah blah.  You know how this is going to turn out already, don’t you?  Dad is actually an overly competitive jerk, mom is in denial, the daughter is a neurotic mess, the youngest son is a closeted homosexual, and the oldest child is Jim Carrey.  He’s also an alcoholic and he claims that his name is actually Tim but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s still Jim Carrey.

What Worked?

Tolstoy once said that all happy families are the same but that each unhappy family is unique.  The family in this film is unique because — well, oh my God, how dysfunctional can you be?  Not only do you have the judgmental parents and the alcoholic son but you’ve got the frigid daughter and the self-loathing gay son.  Just using one of these stock characters would have made the film’s storyline seem familiar and predictable.  However, tossing all of them into the mix and you’ve got an old school camp classic, complete with dramatic monologues, scary silences, and all the rest.  Though this was originally made and shown by Fox, Doing Time On Maple Drive really does take the beloved Lifetime Family Drama formula to its most logical extreme.

The film is also pretty well-acted and features some familiar faces for those of us who love horror and exploitation films.  For instance, the gay son is played by William McNamara who, if you’re an Argento fan, you may remember his extremely graphic death scene in Opera.

Making the film even more odd, McNamara’s character is engaged to Alison, who is played by Lori Loughlin, the mom from 90210.  How often do you get to see a mix of Argento, 90210, and Jim Carrey on screen?

What Didn’t Work?

Jim Carrey!  Don’t get me wrong, Jim did a good enough job playing his role but the whole time you’re watching the film, you keep thinking “that’s not Tim the alcoholic, that’s Jim Carrey.”

What’s ironic about that, of course, is that Jim Carrey is probably the only reason why anyone ever chooses to watch Doing Time On Maple Drive.  Well, Jim Carrey and insomnia.

(As a sidenote, Jim Carrey had to deliver the line, “I’ve done my time on Maple Drive,” which, of course, meant I had to yell, “We have a title!”)

“Oh My God!  Just Like Me!” Moments

During one dramatic moment, Alison tells her boyfriend, “What’s funny is a part of me always suspected you might be gay…”  This line made me cringe just because I said the exact same thing to one of my ex-boyfriends once.  He started crying.  It was just kinda awkward.

Lessons Learned

If you ever meet the “perfect” family, run away.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Road House (dir. by Rowdy Herrington)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

The other night, I watched an old Patrick Swayze movie called Road House.  The movie was on Channel 64, which is also known as the Ion Network.  Anyway, the movie started at 8:00 and I was really, really tired for some reason so, as the movie started, I made the mistake of grabbing a pillow and curling up on the couch with the cat and, no offense to the memory of Patrick Swayze but, as soon as he showed up on my TV screen, my eye lid started to get so heavy.  My sister Erin sat down beside me and said, “Are you falling asleep?”  “No,” I said and then I was out like a light.

Luckily, Erin turned on the DVR as soon as she heard the sound of my asthmatic wheeze of a snore so when I woke up at 3 in the morning, I sat up and proceeded to watch the final 80 minutes of Road House.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because almost every guy I know seems to be in love with this movie.  When Patrick Swayze died, I though about Dirty Dancing and Donnie Darko.  But almost every guy I know — from my friend Jeff to my cousins in Arkansas to my boss at work to my online friends on twitter — was going, “Road House!”  So, I watched it to see if I could maybe understand what makes the male mind tick.  Plus, I was bored and really, really tired.  And I couldn’t find the remote to change the channel.  (Turns out it was actually underneath me, lost in the cushions of the couch.)

What’s It About

Patrick Swayze plays Dalton, who is apparently a legendary “cooler,” which apparently is what you call a bouncer who thinks he’s too good to be called a bouncer.  He get hired to be a boun–oh, sorry, a cooler — at a bar called the Double Deuce that is located down in Jasper, Missouri.  So, Swayze goes down there and starts cleaning the place up and then it turns out that the entire town is controlled by Brad Wesley (played with a true joie de vivre by Ben Gazzara) and Wesley wants…well, I’m not sure what he wants, to be honest.  I mean, seriously, I was so tired when I started watching this movie.  I’m sure I missed all sorts of nuance and such.  But anyway, Gazzara wants something and Swayze won’t let him have it so there’s a lot of fights at the road house and a car dealer ship gets destroyed and a barn blows up and then eventually Patrick Swayze rips out some guy’s throat with his bare hands.

In between all of this, Swayze recruits his mentor (Sam Elliott) to  come  down and help out.  This leads to Elliott getting murdered but nobody ever thinks to say, “Hey, Patrick — maybe if you had just let Gazzara do his thing, Sam Elliott would still be alive today.”  Also, Swayze romances a local doctor played by Kelly Lynch.  She used to be Gazzara’s girlfriend and she gets upset after seeing Swayze rip out someone’s throat with his bare hands.  But then she ends up skinny dipping  with him about fifteen minutes later so I guess she got over it.

Did I mention that Patrick Swayze rips out someone’s throat with his bare hands?

What Worked

Road House is one of those “so-bad-its-good” type films.  This is a film that sets out to be manly and ends up being so manly that it becomes ludicrous.  But guys are almost always fun to watch when they’re trying to be all guy-like.  (Though not always, as will be discussed under the heading of What Didn’t Work.)

Ben Gazzara is a lot of fun in the role of Brad Wesley.  Seriously, he looks like he had so much fun playing the part.  Usually, it annoys me when a film’s main female character is revealed to be the ex of a total and  complete psycho (and I’m looking at you, Love and Other Drugs) but it totally works here because seriously, Ben Gazzara is the man. 

And Sam Elliott provides all sorts of grizzled, beer-soaked, chain-smoking, unwashed sexiness.

The film features a lot of countryside that doesn’t look much like Missouri but it’s still really pretty.  (Missouri’s really pretty too.  You rock, Missouri!)

Since this film was being shown on television, all of the bare asses and visible nipples were edited out as were all the four-letter words.  However, it was that really weird, half-ass style of editing where you hear Patrick Swayze yelling, “FU—-CK YOU, WESLEY!”  Also, whenever anyone said the F-word, a big blurry dot suddenly appeared over their mouth.  That may not sound like much but at 3 in the morning, it really can cause you to giggle.

At one point, one of the bad guys grabs Patrick Swayze from behind and goes, “I used to FU—-CK Guys like you in prison!”  That line made me laugh way too much.  Plus, the guy saying it was really hot but then Patrick Swayze used his bare hands to rip out of the guy’s throat and that kind of ruined the whole mood.

What Didn’t Work

Well, technically, the entire film didn’t work but that’s kind of the whole point.  Still, for a film that’s supposed to be so bad that it’s good, Road House is still not that good.  It never quite reaches the level of Troll 2 or The Room.  Quite frankly, there’s waaaaaaaaaay too much testosterone rampaging through this movie and the whole time I watched, I kept on thinking about the violence that seems to define day-to-day existence for far too many people. 

Add to that, all of the men seemed to be beating each other up mainly because they were all actually in love with each other but refused to be honest with themselves about it.  Seriously, this movie has some issues.

Plus, Ben Gazzara ends up dead at the end of the film which really upset me because he’s the most likable character in the entire film!  At the very least, he’s got a really nice house.

Both Swayze and Elliott are apparently meant to be legendary bouncers.  They’re so legendary that apparently everyone on the entire planet knows who they are.  Now, I’m curious — are there really legendary bouncers?  I mean, is there like an in-house magazine that all the coolers and bouncers and barmaids subscribe to?  Maybe Patrick Swayze’s character was on the cover a few times.  I mean, I can accept that maybe Swayze would be legendary in a few cities were he had worked but would the citizens of Jasper, Missouri really have the slightest idea who he is? 

“Oh My God!  Just like me!” Moments

Uhmmm…I’m thinking.  There really weren’t any moments that made me go, “Oh my God!  Just like me!”  I mean, I don’t know Tae Kwon Do, I don’t really drink all that much, I’ve never ripped out anyone’s throat with my bare hands, I’ve never fired a shotgun at Ben Gazzara, and I don’t cover myself in body oil before going outside shirtless and practicing Tai Chi.  

Oh, wait a minute!  Much like Kelly Lynch in this movie, I would probably totally freak out if my boyfriend ripped out some guy’s throat.  In fact, I would probably freak out even more than she did.  I mean, even if — like Patrick Swayze in this movie — he made things right by dumping the corpse in a lake and then screaming, “FUCK YOU!” at Ben Gazzara, there’s no way you’d get me to go skinny dipping with him after all of that.  Because the whole time, I would just be like, “That’s great you got everyone to kill Ben Gazzara, sweetie but seriously, I saw you rip someone’s larynx out of their freaking throat.  So, just stand six feet away and keep your hands where I can see them.”

Agck!  Now, I’m kinda freaking out about my own throat.  I mean, is it that easy to do?  *Shudder*  I probably never should have given this that much thought…

Lessons Learned:

Protect your throat at all times.  Seriously, I’m going to start wearing a stainless steel choker every time I leave the house. 

 

Falling Skies (Official Trailer)

Posted on by Arleigh

It looks like while vampires and zombies may be battling it out as the “monster of the moment” the past couple of years there’s an oldie quietly sneaking up behind them to try and take up the general public’s attention.

The first shot was a little film from South Africa called District 9. I think more than a few people saw that little film. Then last year we had a film from two special-effects brothers called Skyline. That particular shot wasn’t as good as the previous title mentioned. In fact, it was godawful though not without it’s perverse entertainment value one gets from watching a very awful film that still manages to entertain (though probably not in the way it’s creators intended to).

In less than a couple of months a film called Battle: Los Angeles will hit the bigscreen and will hopefully be a tad better than the similar plotted Skyline. This one has another South African directing it so that may be a good thing.

Coming this June is a tv series that also follows a similar theme of “alien invasion” with the DreamWorks Television series Falling Skies from producer Steven Spielberg and screeenwriter Robert Rodat. The show will premiere on TNT and stars Noah Wylie, Moon Bloodgood, Will Patton and Dale Dye. From what brief snippets of information that has been released about it the show looks to be similar in tone to Spielberg’s own War of the Worlds where it’s about the human armed resistance trying to retake their cities and the planet back from the alien invaders.

It definitely seems to be a very ambitious show and one that hopefully has a much leaner and efficient take on the alien invasion story than the current remake of V: The Series on ABC. That one had many hoping for a sci-fi to make a great return to network tv and instead we got aliens meets True Blood.

Here’s to hoping Falling Skies doesn’t have aliens wanting to have sex with humans and instead aliens just wanting to kill and/or eat humans instead. I think that would make for a much better show.

 

 

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Golden Globe Awards

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the annual Golden Globe Awards show.

Why Was I Watching It?

Well, I wasn’t watching it because I was expecting to see the best films and tv shows of the last year recognized.  The Golden Globes are notorious for being odd and anyone who takes them too seriously needs to relax a little.  The appeal of the Golden Globes is that 1) it recognizes both television and film in the same ceremony which means you get to see unexpected sights like Jim Parsons, Robert De Niro, Johnny Depp, and the cast of Glee all in the same auditorium, 2) drinks are served throughout the ceremony which means that everyone’s pretty drunk by the end of it, and 3) you can make fun of what everyone’s wearing.

What’s It About?

As the show’s host, Ricky Gervais pointed out while commenting on the odd nomination of The Tourist for Best Picture (Comedy), the show is mostly about the shadowy members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association getting a chance to hang out with people like Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp.  And who can blame them, really?  Quite honestly, if it meant I might get a chance to spend a night with Johnny Depp (or, I’ll admit it, Angelia Jolie), I’m more than willing to love The Tourist too.

What Worked

Oh my God, it was such an odd three hours.  While the winners were kinda predictable and boring (how excited can you get — at this point — to see The Social Network win awards) and showed the typical tendency towards embracing the safe over the unpredictable, Ricky Gervais kept things lively.  He hosted with an attitude that basically said, “My career doesn’t need your approval so fuck off, Hollywood.”  It also pretty much guaranteed that Gervais will never host the Oscars.  My favorite Gervais moment came early when he made the comment about secretly gay Scientologists (an obvious reference to Tom Cruise and maybe John Travolta).  The way the audience gasped pretty much told you all you needed to know as far as the truth behind the joke was concerned. 

Robert De Niro won the DeMille Award and gave a speech that revealed that he’s actually a human being and apparently, a somewhat bitter one at that.  Also, I simply have to mention that Robert De Niro is aging really well.  As opposed to…oh, I don’t know…Al Pacino, maybe?

Melissa Leo is one of my favorites actresses and it was nice to see her rewarded for The Fighter but her speech did go on and on and the only thing that saved the moment was that some genius in the control booth decided to cut to Helena Bonham Carter who had the coolest “What the fuck?” look on her face.

Angelina Jolie’s green dress was quite simply to die for and I want it because it’s the same color as my right eye.  So, I’ll repeat the offer that I made earlier on twitter: whoever gets me this dress (by whatever means) can watch while I try it on and take it off.  (That’s a joke, by the way!  Seriously though, I so want that dress.  Except, of course, I’d want to have Hello Kitty on it somewhere…)

Natalie Portman won best actress in a drama and, out of all the awards given last night, that’s really the only one I agreed with.  When Portman’s name was announced, my twitter friend Jason Tarwater asked if I was doing cartwheels.  Well, I didn’t do cartwheels but I did attempt to do a pirouette and wow, that was a mistake because I so twisted my ankle the wrong way and ended up in really intense pain.  So, I missed Natalie’s speech but I bet it was great.

I do like the way that the Golden Globes divide their awards into a drama and a comedy section.  It’s a smart idea, I think.

What Didn’t Work?

I’m not going to complain about The Social Network winning most of the awards.  It’s not a bad film, at all.  It’s just not the great movie that so many critics are insisting that it is.  At this point, I’m not so much anti-Social Network as much as I’m just bored with it.

Al Pacino’s a great actor but seriously, I hit mute any time he wins an award.  And, seriously, would it kill him to wash his hair or something before he shows up for an awards ceremony?

Justin Bieber came out and gave an award or something and I’m sorry — he’s creepy.  I mean, like David Archuletta creepy.  Plus, I always have to go to Wikipedia to find out whether the i or the e comes first whenever I’m trying to type out the name “Bieber”.  I mean, I’m only 25 and this little punk and his fans are making me feel like an old woman complaining about “kids today.”  NOT COOL, BIEBER!

Aaron Sorkin won for his overrated screenplay and I guess he’s aware that he’s got an image problem because he tried so hard to be gracious but it was kinda like when James Cameron tried to be gracious while promoting Avatar.  It just didn’t work.   The more humble Sorkin tried to be, the more he came across like a prick.  The final insult came when he thanked the best actress nominees for being “smart” women as if that’s such an unusual thing to be.  I’m assuming this was Sorkin’s attempt to show that he’s not a sexist pig but it just came across as condescending and fake.  It’s interesting to contrast Sorkin’s speech with David Fincher’s speech.  Fincher was far more gracious and, quite frankly, the only reason that Sorkin’s screenplay came close to working was because, as a director, Fincher kept things visually interesting so you didn’t really spend too much time thinking about how every single character in the entire freakin’ movie sounded exactly like Aaron Sorkin.  Seriously, does Sorkin know anyone who doesn’t talk like him? 

Was it just me or did producer Scott Rudin — while accepting best picture for The Social Network — almost seem as if he had to be reminded to thank Fincher?  It’s interesting that, for all the acclaim Social Network and Sorkin have gotten, Fincher has often come close to being forgotten.  Could it be because Sorkin is a card-carrying member of the Hollywood establishment while Fincher, much like Fighter’s David O. Russell and Black Swan’s Darren Aronofsky, is not?

Finally, the first winner of the night was Christian Bale.  Was he deliberately trying to channel Colin Farrell last night or was it just an accident?  Regardless, when it comes Colin Farrell, I prefer the real thing.

“Oh my God! Just Like Me” Moment

“I’ll show you a pair of golden globes!”

Lessons Learned

As excited as I’ll be if Natalie Portman wins an Oscar for best actress, I will force myself not to dance.

 

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Bachelor 15

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Yes, I hear the sound of everyone starting to protest and rest assured, I’m not planning on using my space here to start blogging about The Bachelor (though I guess I could if I ever like got really pissed off at men in general…)  It just happens that The Bachelor is what I watched last night and it featured a vampire.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because, God help me, I love it so.  Everyone has at least one irrational love.  I love crappy reality TV, especially if it gives me an excuse to get all catty and show my claws.  Meow!

What’s It About?

Since this was the 1st episode of the new season, we met our new bachelor and discovered that he’s an old bachelor — it’s the return of Brad Womack!  For those of you who don’t follow these things (and I assume that’s everyone involved with this site except for me), Brad was the Bachelor a few seasons ago.  He’s the one who, after he picked his bride, then dumped her on national TV and decided he wanted to marry the girl who came in second.  Then he dumped that girl too.

Anyway, Brad’s been in therapy for 3 years and in this episode, he explains that this all happened because he didn’t have a good relationship with his Dad, therefore establishing himself firmly as yet another little boy with daddy issues.  (Pardon me while I gag.) 

Once Brad’s got that all cleared up, he meets the poor girls who are competing to be his wife and he basically spends the majority of the episode saying, “I just want another chance because I have daddy issues.”  You got another chance, you toadsucker.  Shut up about your freaking childhood!  Fortunately, there’s hope on the horizon because of a vampire named Madison.

What Worked?

First off, everyone spent a lot of time — and I mean A LOT OF TIME — trash-talkin’ Brad.  I mean, everyone!  The girls, the show’s host, and finally even Brad himself, all they could talk about was how much of a loser the guy is.  And you know what?  He is.  Which is why it’s going to be fun to watch him basically put himself through Hell all over again.

Plus, the girl with fangs got a rose and I imagine that’s probably because the show’s producers thought she’d be good for ratings but who cares?  She’s got fangs!

What Didn’t Work?

Well, the show is like sooooo totally shallow and reality TV is just the devil’s programming and it’s all evidence of how stupid people are and blah blah blah blah.  Just insert your own boring, anti-reality television diatribe in here.  And then pat yourself on the back because, yeah, you’re really like the first person who has ever said any of that crap.  I mean, obviously, you’re a freaking genius.  Good job, you elitist toadsucker.

“Oh My God!  Just Like Me!” Moment

Not that long ago, I used to dress in all black and wear a studded choker.  I also renamed myself Pandora DeSaad and wrote poetry about slitting my wrists and watching the blood circle down the drain of the sink.  That got kinda tedious after a while and I moved on.  Still, even if I hadn’t, I would still hope that I would be allowed to appear on the Bachelor.

Lessons Learned:

None.  There were no lessons to be learned from this.  The show was pure trash with no redeeming value.  That was kind of  the point.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: What Did I Do Last Night?

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

No, What Did I Do Last Night? is not the latest Lifetime movie, despite the title.  (What Did I Do Last Night?: The Lisa Marie Bowman Story — I like the sound of that….)  What Did I Do Last Night? is a 30-minute “reality” show that currently airs on the Current TV Network.  Check your local listings.

Why Was I Watching It?

Originally, I had turned over to Current TV to watch Al Pacino in Scarface.  What Did I Do Last Night? came on immediately after Scarface and, as often happens with my late night television habits, I was just too lazy to change the station.

What’s It About?

Apparently, over the course of each episode, the show’s smug host (Jeff Leach) gets a different English person drunk and then films them acting like a complete jackass.  The next day, he shows the footage to his hungover victim and scares them sober.  Or something like that.

This episode’s victim was a cheerful blonde named Rita who, once she got intoxicated, ended up climbing on top of a table at a bar.  The next morning, Rita responded by saying that she was “disgusting” and then breaking down into tears.  That’ll teach her to try to enjoy herself when she goes out.

What Worked?

Well, Rita did say she was going to try to reduce her drinking so technically, I guess you could say the whole show worked.  Except, of course, that’s a load of crap because the show’s not about helping people.  It’s about humiliating them while the viewing audience thinks, “I might be an unoriginal, boring, unimaginative toadsucker, but at least I don’t ever get that drunk.”  And, taken from that perspective, the show again accomplished what it set out to do.

What Didn’t Work:

There’s a thin line between helping and victimizing and this show pretty much crossed that line from the beginning.

This show was a lot like Intervention in that it claims to help the addicted but only after they’ve managed to exploit that addiction for all that its worth.  Of course, there is a big difference in that the Intervention film crew doesn’t actually shoot anyone up with heroin while this show actually gets people drunk so that the smug host can criticize them for it.  The whole time that Rita was being shown stumbling around drunk, nobody ever asked if, under nontelevised circumstances, she usually drank quite as much alcohol as the show’s producers insisted on providing for her.

Plus, they pulled a very cruel trick on Rita early on in the show.  While Rita is debating what to wear on her drunken night out, the show’s producers are heard encouraging her to wear a white dress with a low neckline and a very short skirt.  What they didn’t tell Rita — but what they surely knew — was that her entire trip to the bar would be filmed with an infrared camera which would basically make that white dress transparent in a way that a non-white dress would not have been.  Since the dress itself was practically skin-tight, Rita didn’t wear any underwear with the dress which means that, for the final 15 minutes of the show, she’s seen thoroughly shitfaced in a see-through dress with a huge amount of pixels over her crotch.  And it’s impossible to maintain any sort of dignity when you’re climbing on top of a bar with a blurry twat.

I felt very bad for poor, exploited Rita.  I hope somebody bought her a drink afer this show aired.

“Oh My God!  Just Like Me!” Moment

At one point, after the producers have gotten her drunk, Rita is shown falling down and then falling again as she attempts to stand back up.  “Oh my God!” I shouted, “just like me!”  What’s sad is that, for the most part, I rarely drink.  Yet, I often fall.

Later on, as Rita was standing on a table and demanding, “Everybody look at me bum!”, my sister Erin said, “Oh my God, just like Lisa.”  As much as I love my sister, I have to disagree.  Obviously, not being English, I don’t use terms like “bum.”

Lessons Learned

Don’t wear white on reality television.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: Wall of Secrets (dir. by Francios Gingras)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Around 2 in the morning, I found myself watching Wall of Secrets, yet another cheap Canadian “thriller” that has apparently found a second life on the Lifetime Movie Network. 

Why Was I Watching It?

My sister (and housemate) Erin was in Arlington babysitting our niece and Jeff’s going to be in Baltimore until New Year’s Eve (I miss him sooooo0000 much!) so I was alone and, as often happens when I’m alone, I couldn’t sleep.  Insomnia’s a bitch and so am I after I haven’t been able to sleep more than eight hours in four days.  I figured that maybe Wall of Secrets would put me to sleep so I started recording it on DVR (so I could see the rest of it after I woke up — I am the Queen of Wishful Thinking) and then I set up my little bed on the couch and I got as comfy as I could and then I closed my eyes and attempted to allow the sounds of the film lull me into sleep.  No, it didn’t work.  I ended up just watching the stupid movie instead.

What’s It About?

It’s the one about the newlyweds (Nicole Eggert and Dean “Mr. Tori Spelling” McDermott) who move into this huge, luxurious apartment in Seattle that they shouldn’t be able to afford.  However, it seems that all of the previous tenants of the apartment have either died mysteriously or disappeared.  As a result, they’re able to get a good deal on the rent. 

(I attempted to do the same thing when Erin and I decided on the house we wanted to move into.  I insisted to the owner that all of the previous tenants had been murdered and as such, he should really just give the house away.  Unfortunately, I did not take into consideration that he was the only previous tenant.)

Anyway, McDermott is career-obsessed which gives Eggert a lot of time to hang out around the apartment, talk to the crazy old woman who lives down the hall, and get attacked by masked strangers.  Eventually, she discovers that there’s actually all sorts of survellance equipment hidden in the walls and that someone has been watching her.  But who?

What Worked?

Let’s see — there’s a cab driver who is in the film for 5 seconds and gets to say, “Give him Hell, lady!”  That made me smile.

Voyeurs hiding in the walls?  Its as if someone decided to film my sexual fantasies and then invited the whole world to come to watch!

What Didn’t Work?

My sexual fantasies usually feature better dialogue.  And acting.

“Oh My God!  Just Like Me!’ Moment

At one point, Eggert wanders around her apartment in just a towel and then realizes that she’s left the blinds wide open.  “Oh my God!” I shouted, “That’s just like me!”

Lessons Learned

Always be sure to wear pretty underwear because you never know who might be filming you as you undress.