What Lisa Watched Last Night: Wall of Secrets (dir. by Francios Gingras)

Around 2 in the morning, I found myself watching Wall of Secrets, yet another cheap Canadian “thriller” that has apparently found a second life on the Lifetime Movie Network. 

Why Was I Watching It?

My sister (and housemate) Erin was in Arlington babysitting our niece and Jeff’s going to be in Baltimore until New Year’s Eve (I miss him sooooo0000 much!) so I was alone and, as often happens when I’m alone, I couldn’t sleep.  Insomnia’s a bitch and so am I after I haven’t been able to sleep more than eight hours in four days.  I figured that maybe Wall of Secrets would put me to sleep so I started recording it on DVR (so I could see the rest of it after I woke up — I am the Queen of Wishful Thinking) and then I set up my little bed on the couch and I got as comfy as I could and then I closed my eyes and attempted to allow the sounds of the film lull me into sleep.  No, it didn’t work.  I ended up just watching the stupid movie instead.

What’s It About?

It’s the one about the newlyweds (Nicole Eggert and Dean “Mr. Tori Spelling” McDermott) who move into this huge, luxurious apartment in Seattle that they shouldn’t be able to afford.  However, it seems that all of the previous tenants of the apartment have either died mysteriously or disappeared.  As a result, they’re able to get a good deal on the rent. 

(I attempted to do the same thing when Erin and I decided on the house we wanted to move into.  I insisted to the owner that all of the previous tenants had been murdered and as such, he should really just give the house away.  Unfortunately, I did not take into consideration that he was the only previous tenant.)

Anyway, McDermott is career-obsessed which gives Eggert a lot of time to hang out around the apartment, talk to the crazy old woman who lives down the hall, and get attacked by masked strangers.  Eventually, she discovers that there’s actually all sorts of survellance equipment hidden in the walls and that someone has been watching her.  But who?

What Worked?

Let’s see — there’s a cab driver who is in the film for 5 seconds and gets to say, “Give him Hell, lady!”  That made me smile.

Voyeurs hiding in the walls?  Its as if someone decided to film my sexual fantasies and then invited the whole world to come to watch!

What Didn’t Work?

My sexual fantasies usually feature better dialogue.  And acting.

“Oh My God!  Just Like Me!’ Moment

At one point, Eggert wanders around her apartment in just a towel and then realizes that she’s left the blinds wide open.  “Oh my God!” I shouted, “That’s just like me!”

Lessons Learned

Always be sure to wear pretty underwear because you never know who might be filming you as you undress.

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