Hallmark Review: Christmas Magic (2011, dir. John Bradshaw)

Posted on November 6, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I wanted to like this movie. I kind of do, but it’s really bogged down with problems. Let’s talk about it.

That woman is Carrie Blackford played by Lindy Booth and if there’s one thing I can’t complain about in this movie, it’s her looks. She’s quite an attractive woman in this movie. In fact, the whole movie is rather attractive. By and large, it looks good from the actors to the sets. It just has a litany of other problems.

Carrie is at a gas station where she meets the attendant named Henry (Derek McGrath). Henry is a nice guy. She of course gives the Hallmark standard speech about how she doesn’t like Christmas. Henry is nice and just tells her that she should be careful on the dangerous roads and should stay off her cellphone while driving. This is where the movie goofs a little. The whole movie is supposed to take place in New York City, but they make the mistake of showing her cellphone screen.

Rogers is a Canadian cellphone company. It’s a really stupid little mistake that could have been solved so easily. Make the call to the phone. Take a screenshot of it coming in as it is shown above. Edit the image so that the provider is missing. Then for the shot in the movie, have her look down at the screenshot on her phone. Problem solved.

Well, since she obviously did use her cellphone against Henry’s advice, she gets into a car accident. This is where I have to give the movie major credit. I have had issues with my cable signal tiling over the years, but I never thought of actually sticking it in the movie as sort of a replacement for tilting the camera to tell us something is off.

Actually, it was just a weird quirk that occurred at the beginning of this movie. When I watch these I have it playing on the TV for my Dad to watch while I stream it to my iPad where I can take screenshots, and I keep the two in sync. For some reason it decided to tile like crazy only on my iPad mostly at this exact moment in the movie. Odd. Anyways, just before she dies she was having a little argument with a business rival named Lynette (Tricia Braun).

Course Henry turns out to be an angel and now she is too. He even has an assignment all ready for her. She is to go help this guy whose restaurant is having trouble. Given that she was an event planner in real life, it makes sense that she would have some experience that could prove useful. Of course there’s a few conditions. The only one that really is important is that she can’t have contact with anyone from when she was alive. Keep that in mind because that’s where one of the problems with the film is.

She is assigned to Scott Walker played by Paul McGillion of Stargate: Atlantis fame. And this is where the film shows that yes, she’s beautiful and so are the sets even if they don’t really make sense.

Somebody is a fan of Ali: Fear Eats The Soul (1974), and that person is me, because this restaurant made me think of the bar from that movie.

By the way, if you haven’t seen Ali: Fear Eats The Soul, then stop reading this review right now and go watch it. It’s one of my all time favorite movies and I almost came to tears just capturing those two screenshots.

Back to this movie. You see the size of the restaurant. Realistically this set can’t hold more than a couple of customers. Also, he says the regulars keep him afloat, but you will only see a couple of people actually eat at his place. Luckily, they kind of work around it. It still is a sign that this was done on the cheap.

Of course he has a daughter from a previous marriage, and that wife is dead. I was quite surprised that the daughter wasn’t played by Sierra McCormick. This actress certainly made me think of her, appearance wise. Scott agrees to let her help promote his business and help with his kid in the process. Where does she go since she can’t go home. It never says. She just leaves and sometimes goes to talk with Henry. Although, she does spot her father on the street and hides. I’ll come back to him at the end of this movie.

Oh, and the daughter some how knows she is a real angel. It happens really fast as if she has been around for a long time, but they just met. Also, they never explain this. All they had to do was throw in a couple of lines where Carrie asks Henry how she knows and Henry responds that it has something to do with the innocence of children. Hey, it worked to explain how children could see Sam Beckett in Quantum Leap no matter whose aura surrounded him, so why not here?

Well, the reason his restaurant isn’t doing well is because his food isn’t very good. Apparently, he took over from someone else and promised the regulars he wouldn’t change the menu. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad cook, but he’s afraid to try something new since the regulars are the few customers that keep him in business and they are adamant about sticking with what they like.

Luckily, there’s a local guy who looks crazy in that screenshot giving an art exhibit. Carrie goes to see him. This scene seems to come out of nowhere and goes on for quite a while before it ties itself back into the actual plot of the film. She convinces him that, among other things, he needs a caterer.

The event goes well and that’s Lynette from the beginning of the movie. Now I know what you’re thinking. This means that Carrie now has competition for the heart of Scott and someone she’s not allowed to come in contact with. So of course Henry comes to have a conversation with her about it.

Well, you’d think Henry has come to have a conversation with her about not coming into contact with Lynette, but he hasn’t. It doesn’t make any sense, but he’s there to remind her that she can’t come in contact with her father. A guy who has barely been in the movie and will hardly be in the movie at all. This conversation just comes out of nowhere. But then just to confuse matters more, it’s immediately followed by a scene where Lynette shows up at the restaurant forcing Carrie to duck out. After Carrie and Henry have a little heart to heart, this happens.

This is Scott singing and playing a piano. He is badly dubbed here and it comes around to bite this film in the butt at the end. I don’t know why they had to dub him. Even if he has a terrible voice I can fix that without dubbing him. During this scene Carrie comes up behind him and they talk a little about him giving up playing. All they had to do was have her say he sounded great to her. He says he knows he sounds bad, but that his wife would always say what she said, and he can tell she means it just like his wife did. Then he doesn’t have to be dubbed for the final scene of this movie because it’s not whether he sounds good to the viewer, but that it establishes a connection he had with his wife, and now has with Carrie. The movie winds down pretty quick now. It turns out Carrie isn’t dead, but in a coma. She has a chance to come back and Scott goes to her side.

He goes to her side, sings badly dubbed, she wakes up, and that’s the end. However, this is when the father shows back up. He barely is onscreen for a couple of minutes and only has a couple of lines, but he delivers a more genuine performance without saying a word then I see in most of these Hallmark movies. I didn’t think this guy was in the credits, but for some reason he is credited as a character named Jefferson. I don’t remember him having a name in the movie. The actor’s name is Don Allison. He appears to be some sort of character actor. He nearly saves this ending scene that is largely ruined by the totally unnecessary and bad dubbing.

I really can’t recommend this movie for the reasons I mentioned, and others I didn’t. I really wanted to like this, but it’s bogged down by so many problems. Won’t kill ya, but I don’t recommend it.

Because anything this divisive gets my attention. So, I also watched The Leisure Class…

Posted on November 6, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

First off, I have never watched that TV Show, and based off of Lisa’s description in her review of this film, I’m glad I don’t. It sounds like a seasons worth of footage of that dog from Godard’s Goodbye To Language (2014) pooping. In other words, I had no vested interest in this movie developed by watching the show. I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

The movie opens with that title card which would make you think you’re about to watch something like Last Year At Marienbad (1961). Then we cut to a party and meet some of our characters.

That’s William (Ed Weeks) and Fiona (Bridget Regan). One thing that stuck with me from Lisa’s review about the production of this is that it was shot on film, and it shows. I don’t know if it comes through in that screen shot, but it feels like it’s trying to remind me of Merchant Ivory Productions from the 70s and 80s.

That’s Edward (Bruce Davison) and Charlotte (Brenda Strong). This is a party the family is having to celebrate the wedding of William and Fiona that is going to take place the next day. William is marrying into this wealthy political family.

This is Carolyn (Melanie Zanetti) who is Fiona’s sister. She’s the short horny sister whose character is abandoned rather quickly and seems to exist only to give the next character who shows up a foothold in this whole setup.

Then this guy shows up at the party. He is William’s brother and is about to throw a wrench into William’s plan to marry into this family. William is actually a conman. A lousy conman cause this movie already starts telegraphing the ending of the film to you at this point. Now the brother does have a name in the movie, but let’s call him what he is. He’s Withnail (Tom Bell), minus any lines people will be quoting decades from now. William tells Withnail to leave the party, but of course he doesn’t even for money. He latches on to Carolyn and generally begins acting like a jackass.

Since night is upon them, they move inside. Then what I can only assume is the boom mic pops in from the upper left hand corner.

But enough of that little technical goof because we need more characters. We have the parents who seem to be basically oblivious at this point. Fiona is basically the same way at this point. Carolyn wants With to Nail her. And of course there’s our conman William. Naturally that’s why the movie needs a detective character. That comes in the form of another sister named Allison (Scottie Thompson). She tends to stay away from the family and is a lawyer.

And you can tell she doesn’t like him because of that I just met you, but I already know your kind very well look on her face.

Well, after William tries to get some.

And so does take me now Carolyn.

Withnail decides to round up some booze and people to go off to a party!

Now take a good look at Fiona’s hair here. I’ll bring that up later. Now a couple of them, including Fiona jump in a pool.

Oh, did I say a pool. I meant a plot device to clearly establish that Carolyn is drunk, Fiona is her own woman, and William is in over his head. Well, seeing as Carolyn is drunk and something needs to bring things to a head, we get a car accident.

You see the look on Fiona’s face. That’s the look of the audience when they realize this scene only works if William has never seen a movie where rich people get away with things like car accidents they are at fault for. I hate when movies depend on their characters existing in a world where movies don’t exist that have covered situations they’re in. But again, they are trying to foreshadow the ending of this movie some more here.

This is when you need to take another look at Fiona’s hair. I have taken physics before so I’m aware of how hair works when it comes to hydrogen and disulfide bonds, but something tells me being in a pool for all of a couple of minutes doesn’t transform hair from looking perfectly straight to looking like you just had it curled at a salon. I’ll have to ask the lady who does my hair, but this struck me as a continuity error. A minor error like the boom mic, but my only guess is that it was left in to make her character appear more vulnerable and less hoity toity so that we would see her come full circle back to the way she was at the beginning, but worse.

Anyways, this is when Edward decides to give William a good talking to. So he pulls out a report that apparently shows all sorts of inconsistencies in William’s story. Hmmm…and why he didn’t pull this report out I don’t know… prior to the night before the wedding? The movie never really says. The best explanation we are given is in a scene coming up when Edward makes it clear that he wanted a son to carry on his name, but he only seems to produce girls. Perhaps we are expected to believe that Edward was willing to turn a blind eye to this report that he clearly had before because it meant he would have a son-in-law. Fiona also gets a talking to about how the wedding could affect his and her political careers. But who cares about that because we need another character…apparently…for reasons?

This is Carla the prostitute played by Christine Lakin. I actually know who she is since she played Jackie on Melissa & Joey. The girl who wanted Joey’s sperm to impregnate her one way or another. Here she plays a pointless character thrown in so that Withnail won’t leave the movie alone. At least I hope that’s the reason because otherwise she’s just a character who brings Fifty Shades Of Grey (2015) into this movie by bringing up nipple clamps. I know what you are thinking. This movie needs a scene that looks like it belongs in a Tarantino movie or something like Funny Games. And it comes next.

This is when Edward just flips out on the boys and his family. He pulls out a gun, he strips and whips Withnail, and probably give the best performance in this whole movie. Even if it is a bit much.

Cut to the next morning and Edward with two penises drawn on his face makes his daughter and Withnail offers they can’t refuse. Much to the dismay of William who at this point probably figured he and Fiona would be riding off into the sunset having told her the truth about himself and that he truly does love her. At least Carla leaves the bride with a wedding present.

Then a little wedding stuff before the movie ends on this shot.

And that’s The Leisure Class. Why did this movie stir up so much crap over Lisa’s review? It’s a movie with it’s fair share of problems, but those are a dime a dozen. Director Jason Mann tried something probably a little too ambitious for the conditions he was working under, and it never really came together. It happens. It’s his first film. What were people hoping for here? I don’t know. I just know what the finished product is. A forgettable movie that amounts to Withnail Crashes A Wedding.

As for some of the nasty comments that came Lisa’s way. I don’t mind the down votes. That’s what they’re for, but if you only want to hear what you have to think about something then don’t read other people’s reviews of things. You don’t need anyone else’s validation to have an opinion about something.

Well, I’m moving on with my life now.

Film Review: Invisible Sister (2015, dir. Paul Hoen)

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I really should have watched something else that featured invisibility before I watched Invisible Sister. It felt weird that I went from the late night cable movie Invisible Centerfolds (2015) to this Disney Channel movie. Oh, well.

The movie begins when we meet Cleo (Rowan Blanchard). She proceeds to give us a little sob story about how she feels invisible, especially next to her popular sister. I’m sorry, but I can’t possibly be the only one who had a thing for the 90s indie girls who listened to Green Day. She is that girl except a modern incarnation that listens to The Hives instead. Luckily, the movie knows we exist and very quickly calls the character on her BS when a guy comes up to her, tries to ask her out, and gets rudely brushed off.

Apparently, nice blonde boys who take notice of her are her main offender. He won’t be off to find another girl, but will come back later when he’s needed the most.

She is friends with George played by Karan Brar. I can handle Karan without his accent, but it’s not the same without his character having a giant lizard for a pet. In case we didn’t know she was smart because her sister is popular and she hangs out with the nerdy kid from Jessie, then her teacher reminds us by giving her a tough assignment.

Thankfully, despite the speech at the beginning, she’s science smart. I don’t think I could have handled Cleo if she spent the film engaged in the dead quote olympics. The details don’t matter. All you need to know is it involves a moth, and her sister soon drinks it from a glass of water.

Now her sister doesn’t just have a see through head, but her body is entirely invisible. In order to make sure the sister remains invisible, the writers made it so that anything she attempts to cloak herself in soon becomes invisible as well. Think this movie is really about the sister being literally invisible? You got it all… wrong. This movie is a body swap comedy minus the literal swap, and makes one of them a ghost following along. This is an important time in the life of the newly invisible sister so she hatches a diabolic scheme.

Her sister will go in her Halloween costume with a mask. This movie takes place in Louisiana, so she’s Mardi Gras Dorothy! Of course we all know where this is gonna lead.

That’s right! All the pep girls give each other a massage. Oh, I can always count on you Disney! Whether it’s the pillow fight between Debby Ryan and Maia Mitchell while Cameron Boyce watches on Jessie, then it’s Ben Savage telling one girl to stop eating the other on Girl Meets World. Really, why did they think this was a good idea to put in the movie?

Since Cleo didn’t really know how much her sister did, she now finds out that she has a bigger hole to fill than she thought because there’s a lacrosse game she needs to play in. Luckily, this is where that whole invisible thing does really come into play.

It comes in handy when the opposing team suddenly gets knocked off their feet into the air. This is one of two times where the invisible sister appears to have acquired super strength by being invisible.

As you can see invisible sis isn’t happy. I mean she’s invisible. Now the movie gets to the fixing her part. This is when the film drives home that this really is a body swap comedy in disguise. While they try to get the right ingredients to make an antidote for what made her invisible in the first place, the sisters share some tender moments. The literal invisibility is just to teach the two about the metaphorical invisibility they had of each other and themselves that only existed because they let it. I’m forgetting something…oh, yeah! The boys!

Turns out the nice blonde boy is also really smart and helps Cleo to make her sister visible again. Also, he thought that if she was going dressed as a bear to the “Romp the Swamp” party, then he would go as honey. There’s an inappropriate joke in that somewhere.

And this is the boy for the invisible sister. He’s kind of the missing link, but seems to be a really nice guy even when it came to the prospect of dating an invisible girl.

The ending is a little much given that the sisters already had their tender moments. It’s a voiceover narration speech to end the film that feels unnecessary.

Well all right! I got in 10 song titles by The Hives into the review. That’s good enough for me, and this is certainly one of the better Disney Channel Original Movies I’ve seen. I enjoyed Rowan Blanchard and Paris Berelc as sisters. If you like these movies, then this is one of the good ones in my opinion.

Film Review: The Lovers (dir by Roland Joffe)

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Lovers played in theaters earlier this year but don’t be surprised if you’ve never heard of it. I hadn’t heard of it until I came across it on Showtime. The Lovers — much like Veronika Decides To Die — is one of those films that spent a while sitting on the shelf until it was almost grudgingly granted an extremely limited theatrical run. With little publicity and no critical support, The Lovers came and went and now it’s been relegated to cable and Netflix.

And watching The Lovers last night, I could see why some studios might be hesitant about it. The Lovers is an amazingly messy film, one that seems to randomly careen from tone to tone. Sometimes, it’s a romance. Sometimes, it’s an adventure film. Sometimes, it’s an attack on colonialism disguised as a history lesson. And then, occasionally, it’s even a science fiction film. It’s perhaps the messiest mishmash of themes since Cloud Atlas and that’s saying something!

And yet, despite all that, I still liked The Lovers. In many ways, I enjoyed the film despite some of my better instincts. I’m still not sure what the Hell’s going on in 50% of the film and don’t even get me started on trying to explain how the film’s multiple story lines are supposed to be connected. There’s so much that I could criticize about this film and yet, when it was over, I was not at all unhappy about having taken the time to watch it.

The story … well, it’s a little bit hard to explain. The film begins with a God-like being forging twin rings. We then jump forward a few centuries, to the year 2020. Two marine archeologists, Jay (Josh Hartnett) and his wife, Laura (Tasmin Egerton), are exploring the sunken wreck of a colonial British ship. In the wreckage, they comes across the two rings. They mention that someone named “D.E.” drowned while clutching onto the rings. When Laura gets trapped under some debris, Jay rescues her but ends up brain dead as a result. In a generically futuristic hospital, Laura has to decide whether to use machines to keep Jay alive or to let him go.

However, we don’t see much of Laura and Jay in that hospital. This is because, after Jay goes into his coma, the film’s other storyline starts up. Suddenly, we’re in India. The year is 1778 and Josh Hartnett is playing a Scottish captain in the British East India Company. When we first see Hartnett, we naturally assume that he’s playing the mysterious “D.E.” but instead, we learn that this character is named James Stewart.

(It’s not much of a spoiler to let you know right now that we never learn exactly who D.E. was or why he or she drowned with the rings.)

At first, I assumed that Jay was dreaming about being James and that the India storyline was meant to run parallel to the 2020 storyline. That, however, quickly turned out to not be the case. My next guess was that James was meant to be Jay in a past life and I still think that’s a possibility. But the fact of the matter is that the film itself never makes clear how James and Jay are related or even why we’re seeing both of their stories. In general, I like films that are willing to be ambiguous but The Lovers took it a bit too far.

James is assigned to escort an Indian princess to the capital city. Along the way, James has to protect her from both rebels and assassins. He also falls in love with one of the queen’s warriors, the beautiful Tulaja Naik (Bipasha Basu).

It’s the scenes set in India that make The Lovers worth watching. Full of opulent palaces, gorgeous costumes, fierce battles, and sexy chemistry between Josh Hartnett and Bipasha Basu, these scenes are a visual feast. Even if they don’t always make much sense, they’re fun to watch. When The Lovers concentrates on India, it’s the epitome of an enjoyably over-the-top romantic melodrama. It’s only when the film leaves India for the near future or those Godly ring forgers that its inherent messiness becomes a problem.

In the end, The Lovers is not as bad as you might think. Just enjoy it as a visual treat and don’t worry about making sense of it all.

Hallmark Review: The Christmas Choir (2008, dir. Peter Svatek)

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

There isn’t a whole lot to talk about with this one. And that’s a good thing. This isn’t another Hallmark romance, and they kept it simple. Basically, take the choir portions of Sister Act (1992) and merge it with the full employment speech from Dave (1993). The speech where he says, “it’s not about the paycheck. It’s about respect. It’s about looking in the mirror, and knowing you’ve done something valuable with your day.”

That’s Peter Brockman (Jason Gedrick) who has just been reminded by his secretary that he’s supposed to go see his girlfriend Jill (Cindy Sampson). Jill promptly breaks up with him cause he’s basically just too busy and living in a work bubble. This leads him to a bar where he meets a man named Bob (Tyrone Benskin).

He follows Bob back to where he lives, which happens to be a homeless shelter run by Sister Agatha (Rhea Perlman). Of course she gives him a little speech, and in short order Peter decides to do something to help. He wants to round up the guys into a choir in order to give them something to do that can also earn them some extra money.

That’s it! There’s a couple little subplots involving a woman at the subway and Peter’s father, but they really don’t matter. What you are getting here is a nice a little story about a guy who in the process of trying to help some others, also helps himself. The only thing I thought was an actual problem was the minor wrench they throw into things at the last minute. It’s like including a birth narrative because you don’t think the audience will accept the story without it being pre-ordained. Here it’s people will feel let down if it doesn’t end on a super high note.

Nothing to seek out, but it’s a perfectly fine little Hallmark Christmas movie.

Documentary Review: Prophet’s Prey (dir by Amy Berg)

Posted on November 3, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I just finished watching the documentary Prophet’s Prey and I have to say that it’s one of the creepiest things that I’ve ever seen in my life. As our regular readers know, I love horror movies but, in many ways, Prophet’s Prey is scarier than even the most effective horror film. Prophet’s Prey is frightening because it’s true.

Prophet’s Prey is about the secretive Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS), a group that is best known for its practice of polygamy. The Presidents of the FLDS, Warren Jeffs, has been convicted of two counts of child sexual assault and is currently serving a life sentence. This documentary suggests that Warren Jeffs (who is estimated to have close to 70 wives) is still controlling the FLDS from behind bars.

Warren Jeffs’s voice is heard throughout the film. He recorded his sermons, the majority of which appeared to be about the importance of obeying his authority, and we hear excerpts of them throughout the film. What’s especially striking is that Warren Jeffs does not sound the way that we would expect him to. After hearing about how powerful he is and how the members of the FLDS continue to defend and follow him, we expect to hear a voice full of charisma and insidious power. Instead, the sermons are delivered in a flat monotone and the utter banality of his voice makes them all the more creepy. It’s the same monotone that we hear when a tape is played of Jeffs praying and then having sex with a 12 year-old that he’s just married.

We also hear a few excerpts of Warren Jeffs at his arraignment. His response to nearly every question is to softly reply, “Fifth amendment.” Even when asked if he has any remorse about his crimes, he replies, “Fifth amendment.”

We also see footage of Warren Jeffs in jail. We watches as he wanders around his tiny cell and occasionally tries to get some sleep. And again, the thing that strikes us is how ordinary and boring he looks. If you ever needed proof of the banality of evil, Warren Jeffs would appear to be that proof.

How, we wonder, did this seemingly dull and uncharismatic man become one of the biggest (and, some would say, most dangerous) cult leaders in America?

The film searches for an answer and suggests that Warren Jeffs’s power over his followers has less to do with Warren and more to do with the culture in which they were raised. The film’s best moments come when the filmmakers drive through the twin towns of Colorado City, Arizona and Hilldale, Utah. These towns served as the headquarters of the FLDS. Cameras line the roads, keeping track of strangers driving past the modest and identical houses. The people who live in town watch the cars pass with unsmiling expressions. Soon, the camera crew realize that they are being followed by another car. At one point, a member of Jeffs’s security force pulls them over and asks what they’re done before taking their pictures. With mountains rising high in the background and the blue sky seeming to go on forever, Colorado City and Hilldale seem like the most isolated places in the world.

Because it covers so much material and comes to so many disturbing conclusions, Prophet’s Prey can be an exhausting film. Along with detailing the life and crimes of Warren Jeffs, the film also details the larger history and culture of the FLDS. It makes for fascinating and disturbing history and it all ends with the ominous reminder that Warren Jeffs is still leading his group from prison.

Pair Prophet’s Prey with Going Clear for an anti-cult double feature.

Hallmark Review: Hitched For The Holidays (2012, dir. Michael Scott)

Posted on November 3, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Wait, this was written by Gary Goldstein? Well Gary, if there was ever one of your Hallmark movies where the characters should be singing When The Saints Go Marching In, then this is it! If nothing else, at least Joey Lawrence can sing. But I guess just rehashing My Fake Fiancee (2009) with a holiday twist is fine. At least this is back when Joey had some of his hair again.

So there’s Joey Lawrence playing Rob. Rob is a bit of downer. His grandmother is in the hospital harassing him to get married since this is a Hallmark movie. He claims to be dating a woman named Rosemary.

That’s Emily Hampshire playing Julie who doesn’t look happy because her mom, played by Marilu Henner, is harassing her to get to dating. But that alone doesn’t put that look on your face or cock your neck to the side. So let’s have her mom trying to make her date a guy with a foot fetish. This guy.

Oh, and even at the end of this movie when this guy shows up again the movie switches from the kind of music you’d expect to foot fetish music as he stares at her feet. It’s pretty funny. Wait…foot fetish and this was written by Gary Goldstein. I wonder if Gary has a thing for feet? The leading lady put “nice feet” on her list of things that must be in the man she marries in The Wish List, which he also wrote.

Well, you’d think after Hampshire survived My Awkward Sexual Adventure (2012) that she’d be able to handle Mr. Foot Fetish, but she’s pretty non-confrontational. So how do these two meet? Well, through Rickyslist.org of course!

They are each looking for someone to be a temporary stand-in lover for the holiday season. Seeing as this is a Hallmark movie, she can’t go with the more interesting and humorous option this screen affords. I wonder what “misc romance” means.

Still, this movie probably would have been more interesting had she accepted that message from SatanSpawn.

They hook up and go to a party together as a couple. Unfortunately, Rob tries to do the dance number from The Wish List, but seeing as there isn’t another dude there and his character is drunk, it doesn’t work out. Of course they end up making amends, but there’s another issue. She’s Jewish and he’s Catholic. They even throw Kwanzaa into the mix. Actually it’s snuck into the movie in a rather humorous way. At least it’s funnier than this scene.

Julie of course tells her parents that Rob is Jewish too. So that means they need to light the Menorah. She leads him through this whole elaborate ceremony only to have him blow the candles out immediately after he finishes lighting them. Yeah, I believe Rob is that ignorant and stupid about as much as I believe Anastasia Steele didn’t know what butt plugs were in Fifty Shades Of Grey. At least the worst that happens to her is she breaks an old family ornament of Rob’s after trying to hang it on his family’s Christmas Tree, which later becomes a Hanukkah Tree.

That’s this movie in a nutshell. It’s a series of religious misunderstandings that ultimately ends up with Rob and Julie finding out that their families care about them being happy before anything else. Even when Rob says he’s going to convert to Judaism he’s surprised when his family is happy about it because they know he obviously cares for Julie and that’s what matters to them.

Of course there’s a minor hiccup at the end. But it all works out because Rob ends up with a horse. I guess that’s what “misc romance” means.

Actually, he does wind up on a horse in order to reach Julie through bumper to bumper traffic on New Year’s Eve. All I can think while writing this is that Crocodile Dundee (1986) did it better.

If the clip is gone and you don’t know what I’m referring to, then go watch Crocodile Dundee now.

In the end some title cards tell us what happened after they found each other. It includes that they were married by both a priest and a rabbi. There’s a joke in there, but I’m still busy trying to figure out the rest of that joke email about the brunette and the redhead trying to break out of jail from Midnight Masquerade.

This one’s okay if you can push past some of the ignorance it expects you to buy here and there about the characters and religion.

So, I watched The Leisure Class…

Posted on November 3, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Well, it had to happen sometime.

After 8 weeks of showing us how the film was made, HBO finally had to broadcast the latest Project Greenlight film. Over the course of the series, we’ve watched the seemingly humorless director Jason Mann struggle to maintain his “artistic vision” while directing his first feature film, The Leisure Class. We watched as he fought for and won the right to shoot on film. We wondered if Jason would be able to pull off the film’s big stunt. Even more importantly, we watched because we were hooked on the hostility between Jason and the film’s producer, Effie Brown. Jason resented having to answer to Effie. Effie resented having to work on something like The Leisure Class. For 8 weeks, viewers were either Team Jason or Team Effie.

And through it all, we wondered — was The Leisure Class any good?

From the minute that Jason was named as The Leisure Class‘s director, I had my doubts. A comedic sensibility is something that you either have or you don’t. At first glance, there was nothing about Jason that suggested he even had a sense of humor. Once filming started, nothing that we were shown looked all that promising. The film’s trailer felt more frantic than anything else and I slowly found myself dreading the prospect of sitting through The Leisure Class.

But sit through it I did and … well, it was bad. Unfortunately, it really wasn’t bad enough to be enjoyable. Instead, it was just a bland misfire. If the film was interesting, it was because I related each scene to what I had previously seen on Project Greenlight. Wow, I thought, Effie sure was mad when they were shooting this scene. A few minutes later: Is this the scene that Jason was worried would be underlit? And then later: This is the scene where Bruce Davison wasn’t sure whether he should say pricks or dicks! I’m glad they were able to make a final decision…

As for the film itself — well, how do you describe the plot of a film that really didn’t seem to have a storyline? Charles (Ed Weeks) is actually William, a British con artist. He is about to marry Fiona (Bridget Regan), the daughter of Sen. Langston (Bruce Davison). At first, Charles was just planning on stealing Langston’s money but now he’s fallen in love with Fiona. The day before the wedding, Charles’s alcoholic brother, Leonard (Tom Bell), shows up at the Langston estate. He pretends to be Charles’s best friend. And then, Leonard gets drunk and encourages a bunch of teenagers to skinny dip. And then there’s the car accident. (This is the big stunt that Jason was so concerned with.) And then Sen. Langston gets drunk and there’s this amazingly ugly scene where he says a lot of nasty things to his wife and his daughters. And then Langston nearly murders Charles and Leonard but Fiona ends up pulling a gun on him. And then the next morning, Leonard draws on Langston’s face. There’s also a prostitute, named Carla (Christina Lakin), who shows up for no reason but at least she gets a few funny lines. The film doesn’t add up too much, with none of the characters or their actions making much sense. The script feels like a first draft and, even at only 80 minutes, the movie seems to be way too long.

The overriding theme of Project Greenlight‘s fourth season has been that Jason has gotten nearly everything that he wanted while shooting his film. Personally, it wouldn’t surprise me to discover that this season was pretty much edited to cast Jason in as negative a light as possible. (Otherwise, the HBO execs would have to take responsibility of the train wreck that is The Leisure Class.) Still, it’s impossible to deny that Jason fought a lot of battles and that none of them seem to have made much difference as far as the end product is concerned.

Jason fought to shoot The Leisure Class on film, as opposed to going digital. He even turned down extra shooting days so that he could get film. But visually, The Leisure Class is flat and boring. It may have been shot on film but it still looks like a single camera sitcom. (In fact, it’s hard not to feel that the film could have been improved if it had taken an Office or Modern Family mockumentary approach. At least that way, the characters could have explained their often confusing motivation.)

Jason got the cast that he wanted but that cast is let down by a poorly conceived script. All of the characters are so one-dimensional that it’s doubtful that there’s much anyone in the cast could have done to make them interesting. I like both Ed Weeks and Tom Bell but the film let both of them down. Meanwhile, Bruce Davison is reduced to bellowing out his lines.

Jason fought to find the perfect location and spent a lot of time talking about how the Langston estate was almost as important as the characters. The house looks gorgeous but the film is directed in such a haphazard manner that you never really get to appreciate it. For a director who spent so much time obsessing over minutiae, Jason’s film is unique for its total lack of interesting detail.

Let’s not forget — when the season began, Jason was selected to direct a broad comedy called Not Another Pretty Woman. Jason is the one who suggested making The Leisure Class instead. That said, I have a hard time believing, as some have suggested on twitter, that Not Another Pretty Woman would have been much of an improvement.

Ultimately, Jason seems to be an okay technical director. He knows how to light a scene. He understands the importance of moving the camera. I imagine he could probably spend hours explaining why he chose to use a certain type of lens. Unfortunately, there’s not a single scene in The Leisure Class that feels spontaneous. There’s no humanity to the characters. It’s a cold movie that feels more like a student film than anything else.

From what I’ve read, it appears that there will be at least one more season of Project Greenlight. And I’m happy to hear that because the show makes for good drama. I just wish that it would occasionally make for a good movie.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #144: A Student’s Obsession (directed by Damian Romay)

Posted on November 2, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On Sunday night, I watched a Lifetime movie called A Student’s Obsession.

Why Was I Watching It?

Well, the obvious answer that it was on Lifetime. But even beyond that, there’s the fact that the title contained the word “obsession.” Anytime a Lifetime film is about an obsession, it usually turns out to be pretty good.

What Was It About?

Stephanie (Louise Lombard) is a science teacher in Florida. During a field trip to the Florida Everglades, Stephanie is kissed by her new student, James (Alex Esola). Stephanie demands that James be transferred to another science class but it turns out that James doesn’t take rejection well. Soon, Stephanie is being stalked but is she being stalked by James or by her creepy colleague, Richard (Richard Haylor)? And, even more importantly, should she be concerned that her daughter, Nicole (Ella Wahlestedt), has a new boyfriend who is named Seth but looks just like James?

What Worked?

The film was enjoyably over-the-top and melodramatic. That, after all, is what we expect from a Lifetime movie about obsession and A Student’s Obsession delivered.

What Did Not Work?

How stupid can one person be before you lose all sympathy for her? That’s the question that you have to consider while watching this film because Stephanie does a lot of very stupid things. Obviously, whenever it comes to a movie like this, you have to be willing to suspend your disbelief but this movie demanded that you do more than just suspend it. In order to take this movie seriously, you had to ignore the whole concept of disbelief. Stephanie did so many stupid things that it was next to impossible to have much sympathy for her.

Myself, I lost all sympathy for Stephanie the minute that she decided to sit in a car and have a conversation with James. This occurred right after Stephanie had been fired because of all the rumors about her and James. And yet, even though Stephanie knew that everyone was saying stuff that could possibly cause her to never work as a teacher again, she still decided to get in a car with James and have a conversation with him. And, of course, the car was parked in the school parking lot so any teacher or student could have easily walked by and seen the two of them.

At that point, I said, “Okay, Stephanie — you’re too dumb for me to care about.”

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Oh, there was so much I related to in this film and I’m not just talking about the whole experience of having to deal with creepy stalkers. For instance, much like Stephanie, I am a runner. I run whenever I’m stressed out and, when I’m running, I’m usually off in my own little world. That whole scene where Stephanie nearly got run over because she wasn’t paying attention when she ran out in the middle of the road? Done that.

(Of course, the big difference is that I yelled at the car and gave the driver the finger and everything else. Stephanie just kind of ignores the car.)

I also related to Stephanie’s daughter, Nicole. This was largely because Nicole was a rebellious redhead and so am I!

Lessons Learned

I should have gone to high school in Florida. Seriously, the school was huge and the science class got to go on a totally kickass field trip to the Everglades.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #143: Online Abduction (dir by Steven R. Monroe)

Posted on November 2, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This weekend, as I recovered from our latest Horror Month here at the Lens, I watched the latest Lifetime original film, Online Abduction.

Why Was I Watching It?

So, as our long-time readers can probably imagine, last month was an exhausting time here at the Shattered Lens. Though I don’t have an exact count, I believe that I personally wrote over 150 reviews for October. When Halloween finally arrived I was on the verge of collapse. What better way to decompress than by watching the latest film on Lifetime?

What Was It About?

Isabel (Brooke Butler) is a teenager with issues. Her mother (Natalia Livingston) ignores her. Her stepfather (David Chokachi) is overly critical of her. Her 3 year-old brother gets the all the attention. Feeling unwanted by her family, Isabel spends most of her time online or hanging out with her friends, all of whom spend most of their time online as well.

However, one day, her little brother is abducted. With her parents blaming her and the FBI turning out to be surprisingly inefficient, Isabel takes it upon herself to find out what has happened to her little brother. And, fortunately, she knows how to use the internet to do it…

What Worked?

Most Lifetime movies are basically about unappreciated mothers whose daughters refuse to take their advise until it’s almost too late. The film usually ends with the daughter hugging her mom and admitting that she should have listened to her mother from the beginning. Online Abduction, however, tweaks the formula. This time, it’s the daughter who knows best and the mom who should have listened to her from the beginning.

As well, most Lifetime film present the internet as being an instrument of the devil. So, it was interesting to see a Lifetime film where the internet was not only a good thing but also the key to solving all of the world’s problems. (Online Abduction was pretty much the epitome of a “the internet can do anything!” movie.)

What Did Not Work?

The mystery was a bit pedestrian. I kept waiting for some big twist and it never came. Online Abduction lacked the type of over-the-top, batshit crazy melodrama that a lot of us look forward to when it comes to Lifetime movies.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I related to Isabel. It’s not easy being a teenager.

Lessons Learned

The kids are alright and the Internet can solve anything.