Catching Up With The Films of 2016: God’s Not Dead 2 (dir by Harold Cronk)


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Much like Warcraft and Nine Lives, God’s Not Dead 2 is one of those films that you just know is going to be mentioned on all of the “worst films of 2017” lists.  I imagine that it will get a lot of Razzie nominations and it might even win a few.

But you know what?  I watched God’s Not Dead 2 on YouTube and I enjoyed it, though probably not for the reasons that the filmmakers intended.  God’s Not Dead 2 is one of the most thoroughly over-the-top and shamelessly melodramatic films that I have ever seen.  This is one of those faith-based films where all of the Christians are practically saintly while the atheists are portrayed as being so evil that they might as well be tying people to train tracks and twirling their mustaches.  This is one of those films where the good guys discuss their plans while sitting in quaint kitchens while the bad guys gather in conference rooms and growl about how much they hate religion.  And the propaganda is just so blatant and lacking in subtlety that it becomes undeniably watchable.

God’s Not Dead 2 is, for lack of a better comparison, the Reefer Madness of Christian filmmaking.  It’s a film that makes Rock: It’s Your Decision look like a work of subtle nuance.  You may want to look away but you won’t be able to.

Essentially, God’s Not Dead 2 takes the heavy-handed sanctimonious sermonizing of the first film and then adds a healthy dash of anti-government paranoia.  (And you know how much I love anti-government paranoia.)  In this one, Melissa Joan Hart is a teacher who makes the mistake of 1) mentioning to her class that the Sermon on the Mount inspired Gandhi and Martin Luther King and 2) counseling a student who is struggling to deal with the death of her brother.  (When the student asks Melissa what gives her strength, Melissa replies, “Jesus.”)  Melissa is brought before the school board, which says that Melissa has broken the law and that they want to take away her teaching license.  Offering absolutely no support is her principal (Robin Givens).  Fortunately, a handsome lawyer (Jesse Metcalfe) is willing to help her out.  He doesn’t believe in God but how long do you think that will last?

Prosecuting Melissa is … a lawyer from the ACLU!  We know that this lawyer is evil because his name is Peter Kane and he’s played by Ray Wise.  And here’s the thing — Ray Wise gives perhaps the least subtle performance of the year.  When he talks about the importance of convincing America that there is no God, he does so with the type of evil gleam in his eye that we typically tend to associate with lower tier MCU villains.  When he cross-examines Melissa’s students, he smirks like a serial killer.  Whenever he has to say words like “God” or “Jesus,” he literally spits them out.  The only thing that trips him up is when a Christian admits to having once been an atheist and Wise looks so stunned that you half expect him to say, “But that is illogical and does not compute” before revealing that he’s actually a robot sent from the future. He’s one of the most evil characters of all time and Wise so throws himself into the role that you can’t help but enjoy watching him.

So, on the one side, you have Ray Wise spitting hellfire and, on the other side, you have a literally beatific Melissa Joan Hart.  And let’s give credit where credit is due — Melissa Joan Hart does as well as anyone could with her seriously underwritten and kinda drab character.  (Add to that, Melissa Joan Hart was Sabrina, The Teenage Witch and, therefore, I will always give her the benefit of the doubt.)

Meanwhile, there’s another subplot going on.  The local preacher — who somehow manages to get on the jury, despite the fact that there’s no way a preacher would actually be put on the jury of trial that centered around separation of church and state — is being pressured by the local authorities.  They want to see copies of his sermons.  Damn government!

Of course, what’s interesting is that this actually did happen in Houston.  In 2014, several preachers were presented with subpoenas demanding copies of their sermons, in order to determine if they had been preaching against the Houston Equal Rights Ordinance.  For that matter, there was also recently a story down here about a high school football coach who lost his job because he led his team in a prayer.  There is a basis in reality for both of the film’s main storylines but you’d never guess that from watching God’s Not Dead 2.  God’s Not Dead 2 is so melodramatic and so firmly devoted to its good-vs-evil worldview that it sacrifices whatever real world credibility it could have and probably does more harm than good to the cause that it supports.

That being said, it’s a fun movie in much the same way that the Atlas Shrugged trilogy was fun.  It’s just so silly and over-the-top that you can’t help but watch.  I imagine that believers will enjoy seeing the nonbelievers ridiculed while nonbelievers will enjoy shaking their head and saying, “How can anyone buy into this?”  By taking the side of half the audience but doing so in a way that seems to confirm every pre-conceived notion held by the other half, God’s Not Dead 2 appeals to all.

If nothing else, Ray Wise deserves some sort of award for perfecting the art of villainous overacting.  Though this year, he may have to share it with Kyle Secor.  Secor’s work in The Purge Election Year is impossible to top but Ray Wise sure does come close.

Overacting is not dead.

Playing Catch-Up With The Films of 2016: Nine Lives (dir by Barry Sonnenfeld)


Much like Warcraft, Nine Lives is another film that came out last year and got reviews that were far more negative than they should have been.  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  Nine Lives is technically a pretty stupid movie and it stars a lot of actors who probably should be doing something a little bit more substantial with their time.  That being said, it’s not as if Nine Lives ever promised to be anything more than what it is.

Two facts about Nine Lives:

Number one — it did not make me physically ill, which already makes it a better movie than Hardcore Henry.

Number two — it’s all about cats!  After being more or less pushed to the side by The Secret Life of Pets (which featured only one tokenish kitty), cats finally get a movie of their very own!

It may not be a very good movie but that’s beside the point.  KITTY POWER!

As for what the film is about — well, it’s a concept that is so silly and stupid and predictable that I’m not surprised that it was produced by a major American studio.  (Except apparently, it wasn’t!  Despite taking place in America, featuring a totally American cast, and English dialogue, this is actually a French film, produced by Luc Besson’s EuropaCorp.)  Kevin Spacey is an emotionally cold and ruthless businessman who discovers that he does have a heart when he switches bodies with a cat.  Don’t ask how he switches bodies, it’s just too silly for me to talk about.  The important thing is that he switches and it leads to a lot of litter box jokes that made me, as a proud cat owner, cringe.

BUT — and here’s why this film is not as bad you may think, the cat is really cute.  And if a cat did speak with a human voice, chances are that voice would sound a lot like Kevin Spacey’s.  It may sound like a pretty weird role for a two-time Oscar winner and multiple Emmy nominee (and don’t even get me started on the Golden Globes) but dammit, Kevin throws himself into voicing that feline’s thoughts and good for him!

Plus, this is yet another film that features a totally out there Christopher Walken cameo.  The presence of Christopher Walker automatically elevates any film.

Nine Lives may not be good but it’s not terrible.

(Of course, dog lovers will hate it….)

 

Playing Catch-Up With The Films of 2016: Warcraft (dir by Duncan Jones)


Last night, my cousin and I watched Warcraft, which is a film that has been called “the worst of 2016” by several critics.

Personally, I don’t think it’s the worst film of 2016.  It didn’t make me physically ill, like Hardcore Henry did.  My cousin — who, unlike me, has actually played all of the Warcraft games and therefore came into the film already knowing who and what everything was — says that he enjoyed it.  On the basis of both Moon and The Source Code, I think Duncan Jones is a genius who will eventually emerge as one of the most important directors working right now.  Dominic Cooper is in Warcraft and so is Ben Foster.  They’re both fairly unrecognizable (thought not as unrecognizable as Clancy Brown!) but they’re also two excellent actors and I’m always happy to see them listed in the credits.  Visually, the film was well-designed though it was impossible for me not to think about the Make Love, Not Warcraft episode of South Park.

But I have to say that no film has ever left as totally confused as Warcraft.  I got that the film was about a war between Orcs and humans.  And I appreciated the fact that the film attempted to give all of the Orcs their own individual personalities and culture.   If I wanted to, I could probably spend a few 100 words talking about how the war in Warcraft can serve as a metaphor for every war currently being fought in the real world.

But seriously, I spent nearly the entire film trying to keep straight who was who.  The cast was huge and the dialogue was full of people and creatures talking about magic and honor and history and tradition and sacrifice and why so-and-so had to do this to such-and-such because of something that happened to someone else centuries ago and it made my head hurt trying to keep up with it all.  I eventually gave up.  My cousin was enjoying the film and, in the end, that’s all that mattered.

Plus, there was a cute little orc baby!  I liked him and his story reminded me of the story of Moses floating away in that basket.

Anyway, Warcraft was slaughtered by critics and, because it cost a ton of money to make, it didn’t make any money back.  So, the film probably won’t get the sequel that the ending was obviously designed to set up.  However, I get the feeling that, next year, Warcraft will be a popular film to live tweet whenever it shows up on SyFy.

It may have been the most incoherent film of 2016 but it wasn’t necessarily the worst.

Naughty Or Nice: SUSAN SLEPT HERE (RKO 1954)


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Looking for something a little offbeat in a Christmas movie? Try SUSAN SLEPT HERE, a film that could never get made today, as it concerns the romance between a 17 year old girl and a 35 year old man. I know some of you out there are already screaming “EEEEWWW!!!”, but indulge me while I describe the madcap moments leading to said romance.

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For starters, the movie is narrated by Oscar. Not Oscar Levant, but THE Oscar, the fabled Academy Awards statuette. This particular Oscar was won by Mark Christopher, screenwriter of fluffy Hollywood comedies yearning to pen a dramatic yarn and prove his mettle as a writer. Into his life comes teenage Susan Landis, a juvenile delinquent dumped on his doorstep by two cops who don’t want to lock her up til after the holidays. They figure Mark can watch her and get a good story idea in the process before she…

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Holiday Scenes That I Love: The U.S. Postal Service Proves The Existence of Santa Claus in Miracle on 34th Street!


Is there a Santa Claus?

Well, if you’ve ever seen the original 1947 Miracle on 34th Street than you already know the answer.  There is a Santa Claus and he looks exactly like Edmund Gwenn!

In this scene, Kris Kringle is on trial.  He swears that he is Santa Claus.  The prosecution claims that not only isn’t he Santa Claus but Santa doesn’t exist at all.  Fortunately, it’s the U.S. Post Service to the rescue!

Miracle on 34th Street is true Christmas classic and I hope you enjoy this holiday scene that I love.

(The remake with Richard Attenborough is also pretty good, as long as you can ignore the fact that Mara Wilson grew up to be one of the most annoying people on the planet.)

The Southeastern Film Critics Association Honors Moonlight!


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On December 19th, The Southestern Film Critics Association announced its awards, as follows:

TOP TEN FILMS
1. Moonlight
2. Manchester by the Sea
3. La La Land
4. Hell or High Water
5. Loving
6. Arrival
7. (Tie) Fences and Jackie
8. Nocturnal Animals
9. Hidden Figures

BEST ACTOR
Winner – Casey Affleck (Manchester by the Sea)
Runner-up – Denzel Washington (Fences)

BEST ACTRESS
Winner – Natalie Portman (Jackie)
Runner-up – Ruth Negga (Loving)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Winner – Mahershala Ali (Moonlight)
Runner-up – Jeff Bridges (Hell or High Water)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Winner – Viola Davis (Fences)
Runner-up – Naomie Harris (Moonlight)

BEST ENSEMBLE
Winner – Moonlight
Runner-up – Manchester by the Sea

BEST DIRECTOR
Winner (tie) – Damien Chazelle, (La La Land)
Winner (tie) – Barry Jenkins (Moonlight)

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Winner – Manchester by the Sea
Runner-up – Hell or High Water

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Winner – Moonlight
Runner-up – Arrival

BEST DOCUMENTARY
Winner – I Am Not Your Negro
Runner-up – OJ: Made in America

BEST FOREIGN-LANGUAGE FILM
Winner – The Handmaiden
Runner-up – Elle

BEST ANIMATED FILM
Winner – Zootopia
Runner-up – Kubo and the Two Strings

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
Winner – La La Land
Runner-up – Moonlight

The GENE WYATT AWARD
Winner – Loving
Runner-up – Moonlight

(h/t to AwardsCircuit.)

 

Christmas Surprise: IT HAPPENED ON 5TH AVENUE (Allied Artists 1947)


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I’d never heard of IT HAPPENED ON 5TH AVENUE until it’s recent broadcast on TCM. This unsung little holiday gem was a TV staple for decades before being pulled from viewing in 1990, only resurfacing in 2009 when a small but dedicated band of classic film fans put the pressure on to see it aired once again. And I’m glad they did, for this charming, unpretensious comedy boasts a marvelous cast, an Oscar-nominated screenplay, and a Frank Capra-esque feel without a lot of the Capra-corn.

Capra himself was scheduled to direct it back in 1945, but instead he chose to make another Christmas film you may have heard of, IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE. Veteran Roy Del Ruth obtained the rights, and IT HAPPENED ON 5TH AVENUE became the first release of Allied Artists, the larger budgeted, more prestigious arm of Monogram Pictures (and you know how much I love Monogram movies!)…

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It’s A Wonderful Pottersville!


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It’s that time of year where I share with my loyal readers a hidden treasure! For years, we were kept in the dark of parallel dimension! A Better World! A Brighter World! A world where Mr. Potter prevailed against the forces of evil that sought to undermine good itself! After Good prevailed, David Brinkley interviewed the Great Mr. Potter!!

The following is a re-broadcast of the 1955 interview with David Brinkley and Mayor Potter of the eponymous Pottersville.

David Brinkley:  Ladies and Gentlemen this is a portrait of a town that came back.  The best example of which is the bustling Boffo town of Pottersville.   I am interviewing the man who brought this town back after a factory closing and 1920s financial collapse:  Mr… I mean Mayor Potter.

Mayor Potter:  Thank you, David.

David Brinkley:  Mr. Mayor, your town is synonymous with nightlife and culture.  Now, it is hosting it’s fourth International Film Festival.  It seems to stand out among so many New York factory towns.  What happened?

Mayor Potter:  HRHHPFM! It was a near run thing.

David: How so?

Mayor Potter: We had this flirtation with communism in the 19 teens and 20s.

David: *Gasps*

Mayor Potter:  It’s true.  We had this Bolshevik style building and loan.

David: A building and what?

Mayor Potter:  It was a bank … of sorts.  This guy “Pa” Bailey *Uses air quotes with an eye-roll*  would talk rubes into giving him money to build people homes who were too broke to pay their mortgages.

David: Come again?

Mayor Potter: Get this, when you wanted to make a withdrawal you’d either have to wait 60 days or some jackass would use his personal savings to “loan” you money.

David: *Eyes Widen*

Mayor Potter:  Oh yeah Dave, This commie bank was always screwing with people’s money.  The owner hired his brother Billy – he was this unreformed drunkard and he had a menagerie of unvaccinated feral animals in his office. And, when this Building and Loan would really squander their funds and bills would come due, Billy would knock on people’s doors holding a wicker basket begging for donations all over town.

David: Wicker? What kinds of animals? What?!

Mayor Potter:  UGGHH, Bailey had everything in there… crows, squirrels, probably had a damn bobcat for all we knew.  Bailey’s in a mental ward now.  But, he wasn’t even the worst…

David: Come on..

Mayor Potter:  Try getting a prescription filled back in those days. We had a homicidal druggist poisoning people … Bowser or something or other.  He got locked up and’s he’s dead now …. good riddance.

David: Weren’t there two Bailey sons?

Mayor Potter: The younger Brother was a war hero and now works for DuPont and designed some weed killer Agent Purple or something.

David: Not to turn this into a History of the Baileys.

Mayor Potter: No big deal. George went off to college and married a local girl…Mary. He designs pipelines in Venezuela for Shell Oil. He calls me every now and again. He just got back from Europe with Mary- He goes at least once a year. Could you imagine if George had tried to keep his Dad’s commie bank going? He would’ve wished he’d never been born!

David: Back to the town, what changed?

Mayor Potter: Well, Pa Bailey died and then the Crash.

David: How did your recover from the crash?

Mayor Potter: Recover?!  The Crash helped us! I bought up the failing businesses and turned this town around.  We needed new revenue from new sources.

David: About that, after the war, Pottersville was criticized for what some called a seamy downtown.

Mayor Potter:  *Shrugs* You’re a veteran.  After the war, people wanted to blow off some steam and that means dancing, music, and booze.  Our downtown is different now.  Even then, it was still better than the boring Bedford Falls anytown USA….Bleh! We’re the only Right To Work county in New York!  What did that bring? Headquarters and more business than Buffalo or Detroit combined!  We have 12 museums, 200 restaurants, a financial center, a subway, and a Theater district second only to New York City!  Besides, nightlife and culture is what brings people to cities.  “Honey, let’s splurge and visit Des Moines… Said no one ever!”

David: You have a point.  This is truly a magnificent achievement.

Mayor Potter:  Thank you.

David: That’s all.  Good luck and good night.

Pottersville Circa: 1947

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Pottersville: Current Day

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No Ewoks, No Jar Jar: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016, directed by Gareth Edwards)


rogue_one_a_star_wars_story_posterA long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

The evil Galactic Empire spent what had to be billions of Imperial credits to build the greatest weapon in the universe.  It was known as the Death Star and it housed a laser so powerful that it could blow up a planet with just one shot.  And yet, for all the effort and all the years that were spent building it, the Death Star had one glaring vulnerability, an exposed exhaust valve that the Rebel Alliance twice used to the destroy it.

For years, fanboys debated why the Empire would go to the trouble to build a super weapon with such an obvious design flaw.  I have to admit that I was often one of them.  No one else seemed to care but, to us, this was a huge deal.  If the Empire could figure out how to blow up a planet with one super laser, why couldn’t they figure out how to protect that one valve?

Now, thanks to Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, we have an answer.  We not only know why that valve was there but we also know what was meant in New Hope when the rebel general said that the plans to the Death Star had been stolen at great cost.

Rogue One is a fan’s dream, one that answers questions while expanding on the Star Wars mythology.  Unlike the previous prequels, it adds to the story without cheapening the original films.  In fact, of all the Star Wars films, Rogue One is the first to make the Death Star into a believable weapon of mass destruction.  When it appears over one planet, it blots out the sun.  When it blows up a rebel base, we see the destruction from inside the base instead of observing it from the safety of Death Star.  Director Gareth Evans does for the Death Star what he previously did for Godzilla.

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Unfortunately, like Godzilla, the action and the special effects in Rogue One are usually more interesting than any of the film’s characters.  Felicity Jones, Diego Luna, Donnie Yen, Jiang Wen, Alan Tudyk, and Riz Ahmed are all good actors but they’re all playing underwritten parts.  No one steps up like Harrison Ford did in the original trilogy.  Commander Kennec, played by Ben Mendelsohn, has a little more depth than the typical Imperial villain but, for better or worse, the film’s most memorable performances come from a CGI Peter Cushing and James Earl Jones providing the voice of Darth Vader.

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Despite the underwritten characters, Rogue One is still the best Star Wars film since Empire Strikes Back, a return to the grittiness, the thrilling action, and the awe of discovering new worlds that distinguished the first two movies.  For once, a Star Wars film seems to have more on its mind than just selling toys.  Though we already know what is ultimately going to happen to the Death Star at the end of New Hope, Rogue One is a frequently downbeat film.  There are no Ewoks and, to great relief and rejoicing, Jar Jar is never seen.  The closest that Rogue One gets to comic relief is Alan Tudyk providing the voice of a cynical robot.  The emphasis is on the horrors of war and even the rebels are troubled by some of the things that they have done.  For once, the Rebel Alliance actually feels like a rebellion and the evil of the Empire feels real instead of cartoonish.

Rogue One is projected to be the first of many “Star Wars stories,” stand-alone film that will expand the universe and hopefully clarify some of the points that were left unclear by the original trilogy.  I think it’s going to be very successful very Disney.  I’m just dreading the inevitable Jar Jar origin story.

 

METEOR is a Crashing Bore (AIP 1979)


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American-International Pictures had gotten pretty fancy-schmancy by the late 70’s. The studio was leaving their exploitation roots behind and branching out to bigger budgeted films like FORCE TEN FROM NAVARONE, LOVE AT FIRST BITE, and THE AMITYVILLE HORROR, with bigger name stars for marquee allure. Toward the end of 1979 they released METEOR, a $16 million dollar, star-studded, special-effects laden, sci-fi/ disaster film spectacle that bombed at the box-office and contributed to the company’s demise.

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Coming at the tail end of the disaster cycle, METEOR is formulaic as hell. Take a group of well-known stars (Sean Connery, Natalie Wood , Karl Malden , Brian Keith , Martin Landau, Henry Fonda ), give them a disastrous menace to combat (in this case a five-mile wide meteor hurtling toward Earth), add some conflict (US/USSR Cold War relations), and some scenes of destruction, and voila! instant disaster movie! Unfortunately, by 1979 audiences had already grown tired…

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