Film Review: The King (dir by David Michod)


Imagine a version of Shakespeare’s Henry V where Prince Hal is a lot less regal but a lot more whiny.  Also imagine a version where Falstaff is never publicly rejected by Henry but instead becomes one of his leading generals.  Furthermore, imagine that Robert Pattinson shows ups and does his best imitation of the obnoxious Frenchmen from Monty Python and The Holy Grail.  Also, finally, imagine a film that’s based on three of Shakespeare’s most popular plays but which does’t include any lines from those plays.  Imagine all of that and you’ve got The King.

Yes, The King is an odd film indeed.  It’s also a very long film.  You might expect that from a film based on three Shakespearean plays but, then again, since the film actually doesn’t feature any of Shakespeare’s celebrated language, you have to kind of wonder if it can actually claim to be a Shakespearean adaptation.  For instance, if I made a film about a sullen prince named Hamlet but totally leave out “To be or not to be” or the part where he sees his father’s ghost, am I truly adapting Shakespeare or am I just making a film about a guy named Hamlet?  Interestingly enough, while The King isn’t faithful to Shakespeare, it’s also not faithful to actual historical records.  It’s not Shakespeare and, despite using the name of actual kings and nobles from the 15th Century, it’s not really historical.  It could just as easily be about King Kevin and his struggle to lead the Land of Homily to victory over Possum Kingdom.  It’s hard to really understand what the point of this film is.

Timothee Chalamet plays Prince Hal, who will eventually become King Henry V.  Considering just how acclaimed Chalamet’s previous work has been (including receiving an Oscar nomination for Call Me By Your Name and probably coming close to getting a second one for Beautiful Boy as well), it’s a bit strange just how dull Chalamet is in this film.  As played by Chalamet, the future King of England is alternatively petulant and whiny.  He’s not happy about becoming king.  He’s even less happy about having to behead those who have been accused of conspiring against him.  He hopes to avoid war, even after the King of France taunts him by giving him a ball as an coronation present.  Chalamet wanders through the film with an eternally glum expression on his face.  When he has to rally the troops, he is unpleasantly shrill in a way that will remind viewers of one of Leonardo DiCaprio’s lesser performances.

Joel Edgerton, who also co-wrote the script, is a bit more convincing in the role of Falstaff.  Instead of the cowardly (but wise) buffoon who appeared in Shakespeare’s plays, The King portrays Falstaff as being a great warrior who merely likes to drink too much.  This, of course, means that Hal doesn’t have to publicly rebuke Falstaff or any of his friends but it also makes Falstaff a bit of a pointless character.  In Shakespeare’s plays, both the rebuke of Falstaff and the subsequent hanging of Bardolph were meant to show that the once irresponsible Hal was now placing his role of king above all else.  By removing that aspect of the tale, The King also removes the entire heart of the narrative.  That said, Edgerton is at least convincing as a warrior.

As usually happens when it comes to British historical epics, the film leads up to an eventual battle between the British and the French.  Robert Pattinson plays The Dauphin and gives one of the most brilliantly strange performances of 2019.  Wearing a blonde wig and speaking in an exaggerated French accent, Pattison gets all of the dirtiest lines and he has fun with them.  (“You have zee big balls,” The Dauphin says at one point, “and zee little cock!”)  In fact, Robert Pattinson seems to be the only person in the film having any fun whatsoever.  Chalamet looks miserable.  Edgerton comes across like a professional.  But Pattinson appears to be having the time of his life and you’re happy to see him if just because he provides a (too brief) respite from the film’s otherwise dour atmosphere.

As I said, The King is a strange film.  I’m not really sure what the point of it was.  The battle scenes are effectively bloody and the sets are all convincingly 15th century.  But otherwise, this movie is too pointless and too long.  Just because it’s about the 100 Years War doesn’t mean that film has to feel like a 100 hours.

Lisa’s Week In Review: 10/28/19 — 11/3/19


Reset your clocks

Between the end of this year’s Horrorthon and the changing of the clocks on Saturday night, I’m exhausted.  So, I apologize for not even attempting to be witty before presenting this week’s list of things.

Films I Watched:

  1. Angel On My Shoulder (1946)
  2. Black Sabbath (1963)
  3. The Brady Bunch Movie (1995)
  4. The Craft (1996)
  5. Dead Night (2018)
  6. Get Over It (2001)
  7. Goke, Body Snatcher From Hell (1968)
  8. Halloween (1978)
  9. The Hitcher II: I’ll Be Waiting (2003)
  10. I Walked With A Zombie (1943)
  11. The King (2019)
  12. The Living Skeleton (1968)
  13. My Teacher, My Obsession (2018)
  14. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
  15. Quigley Down Under (1990)
  16. Vampire Over London (1952)
  17. Vampire’s Kiss (1989)
  18. Your Family or Your Life (2019)

Television Shows I Watched:

  1. 9-1-1
  2. Dancing With The Stars
  3. Fear Thy Neighbor
  4. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
  5. Mrs. Fletcher
  6. Saved By The Bell
  7. Silicon Valley
  8. South Park
  9. Survivor 39
  10. The Voice

Books That I Read:

  1. Horror Hotel (1983) by Hilary Milton
  2. Nightmare Store (1982) by Hilary Milton

Music To Which I Listened:

  1. All Saints
  2. Big Data
  3. The Burning Hell
  4. Coldplay
  5. Crud
  6. Daemonia
  7. Goblin
  8. Haim
  9. Jakalope
  10. John Carpenter
  11. Lana del Rey
  12. Luna
  13. M4Sonic
  14. Rob Cantor
  15. Saint Motel
  16. Shakira
  17. Taking Back Sunday
  18. Thom Yorke
  19. Zeds dead

Links From Last Week:

  1. My Saturday of Books
  2. The Women Who Helped Build Hollywood
  3. A Little Tribute To Gary Loggins From The Cracked Rear Viewer Film Site

News From Last Week:

  1. Jordan Peele feels uncomfortable with fans dressing up as the Tethered from ‘Us’
  2. Black turtleneck shortage linked to Elizabeth Holmes Halloween costumes

Links From The Site:

  1. Leonard reviewed Doctor Sleep!
  2. Doc has a special Halloween message for all of our readers!
  3. Case reviewed The Last Halloween, The Bloody Ballad of Squirt Roberts, Night of the Slasher, the Halloween reboot, and an episode of Titans!
  4. Erin shared vintage Halloween postcards and The Covers of Adventures Into The Unknown!  She also wrote about the World Series and shared Image of Evil, To The Dark Tower, Strangers In The Night, The Rest Is Silence, The Big Binge, Frisco Dame, and She Killed In Cuffs.  She counted down the days til Halloween: 3, 2, 1, 0.  She wished everyone a happy Halloween and celebrated the end of the day!
  5. Jeff reviewed the debut of Man-Wolf, Night Trap, Bloody Wednesday, Lonely Water, Heavy Rain, Tale of the Vampire, Beyond: Two Souls, Absolution, the time Spider-Man met the Monster Maker, Ghost Watch, Detroit: Become Human, and The Good Son!
  6. Ryan reviewed The Ghost In The Darkness, One Winter Night, Malarkey, Rooftop Stew, and This Never Happened, along with sharing his weekly reading round-up!
  7. Because it was Halloween and all, I posted too much stuff to list here.  Feel free to search the sight and take a look though!

More From Us:

  1. At Days Without Incident, Leonard shared I Ain’t Superstitious!
  2. For Horror Critic, I reviewed The Craft and I Walked With A Zombie!
  3. For SyFyDesigns, I wrote Halloween Approaches!
  4. At my music site, I shared songs from Goblin, Luna, John Carpenter, Daemonia, Taking Back Sunday, Lana del Rey, and Coldplay!
  5. For the Reality TV Chat Blog, I reviewed the latest episode of Survivor!
  6. At Pop Politics, Jeff shared The UK Is Having A General Election, Beto’s Out, and Do Something With Your Clocks Tonight!
  7. On her photography site, Erin shared Dark Places, Signs of Life, Crowd, Winter Is Coming, Wall Snow, Morning At The Creek, and Isolated.
  8. Ryan has a Patreon! Please consider subscribing!

Want to see what I did last week?  Click here!

AMV Of The Day: Believer (Ace Attorney)


For our first AMV of November, here’s Ace Attorney!

Anime: Ace Attorney

Song: Believer by Imagine Dragons

Creator: purplemonkeypants AJ

Past AMVs of the Day

What Lisa Watched This Morning #204: Your Family Or Your Life (a.k.a. April’s Flowers) (dir by Tom Shell)


The morning, I watched the latest Lifetime Movie Network premiere, Your Family Or Your Life!

Why Was I Watching It?

Your Family or Your Life premiered last night on the Lifetime Movie Network but, because it was All Saints’ Day, I spent yesterday with my sisters, singing Shakira songs, not watching anything on television, and basically staying completely offline.  However, I did set the DVR because a non-Christmas related Lifetime premiere is going to be a rarity from now through December.

When I got home this morning, I promptly watched Your Family Or Your Life.

What Was It About?

David Meyer (Alexander Carroll) is a former alcoholic who is now a successful attorney.  His work has led him to discover some illegal shenanigans concerning Erica Hearns (Angelica Bridges).  Hoping to say out of prison, Erica sends Ed (Eric Michael Cole), the world’s most incompetent hitman, to kill David.  Ed manages to make David’s death look like a suicide but David’s widow, Kathy (Jennie Garth) is not convinced.  For that matter, neither is David’s stepdaughter, April (Luca Bella).  Kathy’s best friend, Michelle (Alexandra LeMosle) has some suspicions as well!  Like I said, Ed’s not very good at this.

So now, Ed and Erica have to figure out a way to silence all of the people who don’t think that David committed suicide.  Fortunately, for them, they’ve got an inside player.  Little does April suspect that her boyfriend, Damon (David Gridely), is actually one of Erica’s relatives!

What Worked?

Jennie Garth is just the greatest!  Depending on how old you are, you either know her primarily from Beverly Hills 90210 or What I Like About You.  This film had a 90210-style plot with a What I Like About You attitude and it was fun to watch Garth do things like beat up a burglar with a baseball bat.  Garth brought a lot of energy to her roll.

Angelica Bridges was entertaining as the villain.  Her frustration with Ed was wonderfully performed.  When she realized that Ed had basically screwed up a very simple murder, I think anyone who has ever been a supervisor could relate to her frustration.

The mother-daughter relationship between Kathy and April felt very realistic, especially when it came to Kathy’s immediate dislike of Damon.  That might be because Luca Bella actually is Jennie Garth’s daughter.

What Did Not Work?

I regret that the film made it clear, from the start, that David had been murdered.  I would have preferred a more ambiguous approach, one that left you wondering if David actually had been murdered or if maybe Kathy really was just seeing what she wanted to see.

I also regret that the film did NOT feature the following dialogue:

“Your family or your life!”

“I’m thinking about it!”

“Oh my God!  Just Like Me!” Moments

I also keep a baseball bat near my bedroom door, just in case I ever have to use it.  I don’t think I could wield it as decisively as Jennie Garth does, though.

Lessons Learned

If you’re going to hire a hitman, spend a little extra and get one who is actually good at his job.  Otherwise, things just get too complicated.

Music Video of the Day: Illegal by Shakira feat. Santana (2006, dir by Jaume De Laiguana)


And this, my dears, is why you don’t date a boxer.  They always end up breaking your heart just as surely as they’ll break the jaws of the opponents.  Of course, it’s even worse if you’re dating a boxer who is always losing his fights.  For one thing, you can’t go out with him in public because his face is constantly going to be a puffy mess and number two, you don’t ever get invited to kiss him in the ring after his victory.

Though, I have to say, my favorite part of any boxing movie is always seeing what people are wearing to the big fight.  Like I remember watching The Fighter and thinking to myself, “She could probably do better than Mickey Ward but Amy Adams’s fight clothes are totally to die for.”

Anyway, in this video, a boxer dates Shakira but he cheats on her with another woman.  And then he invites the other woman to come watch him box, which just makes no sense to me.  I mean, even if Shakira hadn’t shown up, did he really think it wouldn’t get back to her that he had invited another woman to celebrate with him in the ring?  What was he thinking?

Last night, all of the Bowman sisters were gathered together and we may or may not have spent hours singing along to Hips Don’t Lie.  So, naturally, today’s music video of the day had to come from Shakira.

Enjoy!

AMV Of The Day: Shatter Me (Vampire Knight)


As we enter November, here’s one last horror-related AMV before starting the first weekend of a new month.

Anime: Vampire Knight

Song: Shatter Me by Lindsey Stirling

Creator: Vincent AMV’s

Past AMVs of the Day

Music Video of The Day: Lady Marmalade by All Saints (1997, dir by ????)


Seeing as how it’s All Saints Day, how about a video from All Saints?

Enjoy!  I’ll just be over her passed out for the rest of the month.  Putting together a 480+ post October horrorthon is hard work!  Luckily, I’ve got a month to recover.