Alice Cooper can’t get a girl be he doesn’t have a car and he can’t get a car because he doesn’t have a job and he can’t get a job because he doesn’t have a car. This is one of Alice Cooper’s catchiest songs. Whenever I watch any of Alice Cooper’s videos, I think about how interesting it is that Alice Cooper has gone from being the controversial face of shock rock to being an almost universally beloved American institution.
Enjoy!
Beverly Wood (Ivy Smith) is a professional social media influencer whose ego is almost as big as her following. She’s referred to as being “#BigBitch” for a reason. Her manager, Bradley (Eli Cirino), is always looking for new ways to promote Beverly and now products for her to endorse. However, Bradley is also a no-good cheater who is seeing Beverly’s assistant, Fuschia (Christine Nguyen), on the side. When eating a new, scientifically-modified brand of hot dog causes Beverly to grew to 50 feet tall, she sets out for revenge, just like in Attack of the 50 Foot Woman. This time, though, the romantic rival also grows to 50 feet tall and the movie ends with a Godzilla vs. King Kong-style battle over a bunch of miniature buildings.
This is the latest remake of Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, without any of that film’s subversive subtext and, unfortunately, without any actresses as memorable as Allison Hayes and Yvette Vickers. It’s a Jim Wynorski joint so you know what you’re going to get, which is lots of nudity, stiff acting, cheap special effects, and a nonstop stream of dad jokes that are more likely to make you groan than laugh. (If you think hashtag is the funniest words this side of Poughkeepsie, you might chuckle once or twice.) Ivy Smith even makes out with the film’s token sexy scientist (played by Lisa London) for no reason other than the fact that Wynorski knows his audience. There’s nothing challenging or surprising about Attack of the 50 Foot Camgirl. It’s a very unambitious film. At the same time, Wynorski’s style is so self-aware and good-natured that the movie is still more likable than most of the other direct-to-video schlock that ends up streaming for free online. It may be a dumb movie but it is smart enough not to take itself seriously. The film both begins and ends with two giant women have a kaiju-style battle and destroying several miniature buildings. That tells you all you need to know about both the film and whether or not you’ll enjoy it.
You are a monster.
The humans have wiped out most of your species. Your life in the forest has been upended by their intrusiveness and their violence. But there is a bridge, one that leads into a nearby village. The bridge looks like a good place to live and to feast. Even monsters need to eat and with villagers constantly traveling from one side of the bridge to the other, the bridge is the perfect place for you to hunt.
This is a Twine game that tells the familiar story of the Troll Under The Bridge from the point of view of the troll. You have many reasons for not trusting human. You also need to eat. When the humans try to cross your bridge, will you allow them to pass or will you confront and maybe even eat them? The decision is yours but every decision comes with consequences,
I liked Under The Bridge. It was well-written and it featured memorable but non-intrusive visuals and audio that truly made you feel as if you were hiding underneath that bridge and waiting for the sounds of possible prey. There’s a number of different endings so this is a game that can be replayed several different times. Considering that so many Twine games seem to lead to the same ending regardless of the choices you make, I appreciated that your choices actually meant something in Under The Bridge.
This song appears on the Pet Sematary 2 soundtrack, which might be the best soundtrack to have never been given an official release. In the film, this is the song that plays over the end credits. The video follows the film’s story of the dead rising back to life.
Enjoy!
At a government research lab in the middle of the desert, Lisa (Angelique Pettyjohn) is a psychic who has the ability to go into different dimensions and bring things back with her. While demonstrating her abilities for Gen. Randolph (Aldo Ray), she accidentally brings back a container that is carrying a small, humanoid/lizard hybrid. (Inside the costume was director Fred Olen Ray’s six year-old son, Christopher.) The monster goes on a rampage, killing hoboes and other random people who live in a nearby town. Lisa and Carter (William Fair) try to track down the creature before it can cause too much damage and kill too many people. Meanwhile, the town drunk wants to sell the monster’s story to the newspapers.
Biohazard is a typical early Ray film. Hire some veterans, like Aldo Ray and Carroll Borland. (Fred Olen Ray, if nothing else, was good about finding work for Hollywood veterans who, otherwise, would have spent their final years in obscurity.) Unleash someone in a monster costume. Toss in some gratuitous nudity. Spill some fake blood. Pad it out so that the film reaches feature-length. Biohazard goes the Hal Needham route when it comes to padding out the film and gives us several minutes of blown takes and other mistakes. The takes start out amusing but, eventually, there’s only so many times you can watch actors blow lines that weren’t that good to begin with. It’s still not as bad as having to watch Burt Reynolds slap Dom DeLuise a hundred times during the closing credits of Cannonball Run. At least most of the actors actually look like they enjoyed being on the set of Biohazard.
With Fred Olen Ray, you know what you’re going to get and Biohazard delivers all of Ray’s trademark moments, including ineptly lit day-for-night scenes, overacted comedy relief, and one or two scenes that work despite themselves. As bad as the end result was, the film does have a DIY aesthetic that will appeal to anyone who has ever thought about getting a couple of friends together and just making a movie. Supposedly, it took Ray two years to complete Biohazard. Today, an aspiring filmmaker could just film it on his phone over two weekends and then upload it to YouTube and get a few thousand likes. In some ways, independent filmmakers like Fred Olen Ray were ahead of their time.
In The Pool, you are a socially awkward employee at a research facility that is investigating aquatic life. You’re job is to keep the lights on. As Dr. Chambers, the head of the facility, puts it, you “help to illuminate the world.” But, at the end-of-the-month reception, you discover that there is something lurking in the facility’s pool and soon, the entire place is flooded with water and monsters. You’ll have to figure out who you can trust as you try to escape the pool.
This is a choose-your-own-adventure Twine game. One of my pet peeves when it comes to Interactive Fiction is that so many creators use Twine to create short stories where any choice you make inevitably leads to the same conclusion. (Anyone who has played enough Twine game will experience the frustration of clicking on a choice, just to be told that your character has changed his mind and decided to go with the other option.) That is why I am happy that the choices that you make in The Pool actually do make a difference. Where you go during the reception and who you go with actually does effect the course of the game. Because each decision also leads to different details about what is in the water, this is a game that rewards being replayed. All in all, it’s a well-written slice of horror.
It’s October so I had to find room for some Danzig. This song appeared on Danzig’s second album, Lucifuge and it features this band at their best. In 1990, this was the type of music that caused the nation’s moral guardians to go into tizzy. There were actual Congressional hearings! Imagine your Congressman listening to Danzig and probably playing it backwards to look for hidden messages.
Emjoy!
In 1992, society collapses due to a nuclear war. In 1998, a group of army deserters are looking for a place to hide from the authorities when they come across an underground bunker in Los Angeles. The bunker was once home to a research lab. Even though all of the scientists are dead, the monster that they created is not and soon, the deserters are fighting for their lives, battling not just the monster but also giant rats.
Creepozoids is a low-budget Alien rip-off. It’s actually a little incredible just how closely Creepozoids copies Alien, right down to a monster that can spit acid and a scene where someone has a fatal seizure while eating dinner. The monster itself is not badly realized but the giant rats are obviously just stuffed animals that are being tossed on the cast by crew members standing off-camera. Though the film takes place in what was then the “near future,” it’s an 80s production all the way through. The top secret government lab as a bulky computer that only one of the deserters knows how to use. The secrets to genetic modification are stored on a 8-inch floppy disk. Most 80s and 90s kids will get nostalgic watching this movie.
One of the deserters is played by Linnea Quigley, which is the main reason why Creepozoids retains a cult following. While the rest of the deserters want to search the bunker and look for supplies, Linnea’s main concern is trying out the facility’s shower. (Good news, it works!) Linnea Quigley appeared in many bad films but she always brought a lot of sincerity and good humor to her performances. In Creepozoids she gamely wrestles with a stuffed rat and proves herself to be one of the best screamers of the 80s DTV horror industry. The rest of the cast is interchangeable but, as always, Linnea earns her screen queen crown.
Creepozoids is a lesser imitation of Alien but, seen today, it benefits from nostalgia. I can still remember Creepozoids showing up on Cinemax, late at night and with a warning that the movie featured not only adult language but also nudity and violence. (Was anyone ever dissuaded by the Cinemax content warnings?) This is one of the B-movies that made being an 90s kid fun!
Because you have the power to read minds and implant suggestions, you have been hired to serve as Schtupmeister Beer’s first Psychic Brand Ambassador. Your job is to go to restaurants and mentally suggest to customers that they try out Schtupmeister. What better place to start than Applebee’s?
This is a short, choose your own adventure-style game. You go to Applebee’s, you scan the customers and the waitresses, and you decide whether or not to read their minds. Once you get into their heads, you have the option to either help them out with their problems or just suggest that they get drunk. It’s simple but it’s well-written and all of the characters make a strong impression. I managed to inspire one person to drink a beer and I think may have accidentally inspired someone else to burn down the restaurant. It’s not easy being a psychic brand ambassador! This is an entertaining and frequently funny game, one that wins major points just by combining psychic phenomena with Applebee’s.
I was trying to remember why I picked this standard 80s metal video for today’s music video of the day. Was it because of all the shapely legs? That seemed probable but that would not explain why I picked it for October. Then I remembered that this song was featured in the horror classic Black Roses, which is a movie about teenagers driven to murder by heavy metal music. In fact, the Satanic band itself was played by King Kobra.
As for this video, it doesn’t feature any Black Roses footage but it does feature Larry Fine and Humphrey Bogart.
Enjoy!
Through the Shattered Lens 