The Zero Boys (1986, directed by Nico Mastorakis)

Posted on October 5, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

When a paintball team known as the Zero Boys wins the big tournament, they decide to celebrate by spending the weekend in the woods with their girlfriends. Accompanying the group is Jamie (Kelli Maroney), who was put up as a side bet by her boyfriend, who just happens to be the wannabe Nazi dork who lost the tournament. The wilderness fun and games take a disturbing turn when the group comes across a deserted cabin and decide to camp there for the night. The cabin belongs to family of hillbilly survivalists (one of whom is played by Martin Sheen’s brother, Joe Estevez) and they don’t intend to let anyone leave alive. Soon, the Zero Boys are forced to put their paintball knowledge to the test in a real battle for survival.

The Zero Boys is one of those films that always used to come on television when I was growing up and I would always watch it because I thought it was going to be a standard, Friday the 13th-style slasher film. When I was a kid, I would always end up getting annoyed with the film’s deliberate pace and its weird mix of the action and slasher genres. I would usually watch for about an hour and then I would change the channel and try to find something better. I thought The Zero Boys was just that, a big zero.

Now that I’m older, I realize that I was wrong and I better appreciate The Zero Boys and the way that it pokes fun at both the action and the slasher genres. The Zero Boys opens with a really intense battle scene, between the Zero Boys and Casey, who is wearing a swastika armband. It plays out like a standard Cannon action film, up until the moment that the Zero Boys catch up to Casey and shoot him in the head with a paintball. Our “heroes” are not mercenaries or former vets looking to rescue their brothers-in-arms from a POW camp. There’s not a single Chuck Norris among them. Instead, they’re just a bunch of dorky teens who are good at paintball and think that they have survival skills. (One of them looks at a picture of Rambo and says, “Sly, eat your heart out.”) The movie goes on to further upend the audience’s expectations by introducing Jamie, a heroine who is anything but the typical, virginal final girl. When it becomes obvious that the group is being stalked by a group of killers, the Zero Boys and their girlfriends actually fight back and it’s a definite change of pace from other slasher films of the era, When it comes to horror films, The Zero Boys has more in common with The Hills Have Eyes than with Friday the 13th.

The Zero Boys is an action/horror hybrid that is willing to poke fun at itself. It’s also one of the many superior genre pictures that Kelli Maroney made in the 80s. Between this film, Chopping Mall, and Night of the Comet, Kelli Maroney was the crush of every 80s and 90s kid who spent too much time searching HBO and Cinemax for R-rated horror films. She was cute but tough and, even if no one else in the movie realized it, she could definitely take care of herself. Whether fighting malfunctioning robots, zombie scientists, or killer hillbillies, there was no one better to have on your side.

Game Review: Ghost Town (1983, Scott Adams)

Posted on October 5, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

You are in a deserted ghost town. Why are you in the town? Who knows? What can you do in the town? You can search it and try to find 13 hidden treasures without falling prey to ghosts, rattlesnakes, or the weather. Good luck! There are many puzzles to be solved. Hopefully, you’re better at puzzles than I am.

Ghost Town was one of the many text adventures to be written by Scott Adams in the early 80s. Every text adventure film that has come out since owes debt to Scott Adams but that doesn’t make his games any less frustrating to play. Basically, with this game, you get bare-bone descriptions and a two-word parser. Don’t try to have a conversation with anything in the town. Don’t try to get too creative with your choice of verbs or with any of the things that you find in the town. This is from the early days of PC gaming and it’s as basic as can be.

Once you make the adjustment, though, it’s not a bad game. Even the minimal descriptions of each location encourage the player to imagine the place for himself. (Basic games like Ghost Town actually encourage the imagination more than games that devote paragraphs to intricate descriptions.) It’s also a timed game, which was a big deal in the early 80s. The ghosts in the town keep their own schedule and one of the challenges of the game is to keep up with them. Spending too much time on one puzzle or trying to guess the verb can lead to consequences. The puzzles are complicated but there’s a walk-through so you can cheat if you need to. Just don’t make the same mistake that I did.

Play Ghost Town!

Music Video of the Day: Love Kills by Vinnie Vincent Invasion (1988, directed by Nigel Dick)

Posted on October 5, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

After a stint as lead guitarist for KISS, Vinnie Vincent went on to form Vinnie Vincent Invasion. Though the band was only together for four years before the members split up to pursue their own projects (two members of the band would go on to form Slaughter), Vinnie Vincent Invasion had a number of minor hits during its existence.

Love Kills was featured in Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master and Freddy repaid them for the song by appearing in the music video. This video was directed by Nigel Dick, who I think has directed at least one video for every band that has ever existed.

Enjoy!

Vampire in Vegas (2009, directed by Jim Wynorski)

Posted on October 4, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

In this thoroughly jumbled film, Tony Todd plays Sylvain. Sylvain is a centuries-old vampire who now lives in a mansion in Las Vegas. He wants to run for governor of Nevada and then he hopes to become President of the United States. Before he can campaign, Sylvain has to find a way to spend time in the daylight without bursting into flames. He recruits Dr. VanHelm (Delia Sheppard) to conducts experiments and develop an anti-sun serum. When Dr. VanHelm tests a prototype of the serum on three female vampires who have been tied to stakes in the desert, the experiment is observed by a camping couple who call the police.

At the same time, Jason (Edward Spivak) is engaged to marry Rachel (Sonya Joy Sims), so his friends decide to have one last hurrah by dragging him to Vegas and throwing a party with strippers. Unfortunately, the strippers are all vampires who work for Sylvain. Jason and his friends become Dr. VanHelm’s latest serum guinea pigs. When Rachel and her friend Nikki (Brandin Rackley) decide to surprise Jason in Vegas, they are also drawn into Sylvain’s web of conspiracy when it turns out that Nikki is hoping to become the newest of Sylvain’s vampiric servants.

From the minute the film opens with a lengthy exposition dump and footage of Sylvain throughout the years, Vampire in Vegas is obviously a Jim Wynorski film. With this film, Wynorski not only recreates the nonsensical vampire politics of the Twilight movies but he combines it with the bromantic decadence of The Hangover movies. It’s not a successful mix. Sylvain is determined to walk in the sunlight and to run for governor of Nevada but the movie never explains why. With his mansion and his legion of loyal followers, Sylvain has done very well as a vampire who can only come out at night. Why would he want to potentially lose everything that he has, just so he can run for governor and eventually president? Why would Sylvain trade everything that he has now for a job that would mostly involve renaming highways and signing whatever bills end up on his desk? And how does Sylvain think that he’ll be able to run for governor without someone investigating his past and discovering that he’s a vampire?

That’s a lot of questions and Jim Wynorski makes no attempt to answer them. Instead, the movie focuses on the strippers stripping and Sylvain waiting for his chance to brave the sun. It’s a Wynorski film so no shock there. Tony Todd plays the role with dignity, the rest of the cast is negligible in this Vegas bet that didn’t pay off.

Game Review: Ink (2022, Sangita V Nuli)

Posted on October 4, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

In this work of Interactive Fiction, you take on the role of someone who has just lost their fiancé. You are in mourning and trying to figure out how you can go on with your life even though you’ve lost your reason for living. Staying at home doesn’t help. Going to work doesn’t help. Seeing a therapist doesn’t help. Religion has failed. Group therapy provides only momentary relief.

Then, you find an envelope, addressed to you and in her handwriting. You find the envelope under a park bench that the two of you used to frequent. Unable to open it, you leave it on the mantle next to the wedding invites that you’ll never get to send. (Come on, that’s a powerful image.) Sometimes, the ink on the envelope seems to move, as if the envelope itself is alive. Will you find the courage to open the envelope and see what is inside?

Ink is an enigmatic but intriguing work of Interactive Fiction. I would hesitate to call it a game. It’s a short story that comes with a few options. You can try to make different choices each time that you play but it seems like the story is fated to always reach the same conclusion, no matter how many detours you try to take. The letter, much like mourning, cannot be escaped no matter how much you try. The story is well-written and captures the feeling of being in deep mourning. The inescapable ending carries enough of a kick to stick with you afterwards.

Play Ink

Music Video of the Day: See You In Hell by Grim Reaper (1982, directed by ????)

Posted on October 4, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

Grim Reaper was so hardcore that they ever had Satan himself watching over their concerts!

See You In Hell is probably best remembered for Beavis and Butt-Head’s epic takedown of both the video and the singer.

Unlike certain other musicians — Oh hai, Winger — Grim Reaper was actually a good sport about Beavis and Butt-Head’s mockery. Mike Judge once told David Letterman that one of the scariest moments of his life was when he ran into Grim Reaper’s lead guitarist while backstage at a concert. Judge was expecting the guitarist to be angry with him but instead, he said that the band enjoyed and agreed with Beavis and Butt-Head’s critique. He also sent Judge copies of the band’s other two videos so that the boys could take a crack at them.

Enjoy!

Invasion of the Pod People (2007, directed by Justin Jones)

Posted on October 3, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

One day, someone said, “Why don’t we remake Invasion of the Body Snatchers but instead of having the pod people act emotionless, we’ll have them turn into predatory lesbians?”

Of course, the movie went straight into production.

Erica Roby plays Melissa, who works for a PR firm in Los Angeles. After a meteorite shower, she starts to notice that the people at work and in her apartment complex are all getting strange new ginger root plants and they are all starting to act out-of-character. For example, Melissa’s formerly bitchy boss, Samantha (Jessica Bork), suddenly wants to make out all the time. Meanwhile, the husband of one of Melissa’s clients break into Melissa’s apartment, says that his wife has been replaced, and then shoots himself. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the body snatchers have once again arrived on Earth and that they’re replacing humans with doppelgangers. (The main difference is that the body snatchers waited for their victims to fall asleep while the doppelgangers just hatch from the plant and beat whoever it is that they are replacing to death.) Melissa and her co-worker, Billie (Danae Nason), team up with Detective Alexander (Marat Glazer) to track down where the plants are coming from and destroy them. It’s a Body Snatcher film so don’t expect a happy ending.

Actually, the idea of doing a softcore version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers seems like such an obvious one that I’m surprised that no one did it until 2007. In everything from its visual look to its dialogue to its attitude towards sexuality, Invasion of the Pod People feels like the sort of film that used to show up on late night Cinemax during the 90s. The 90s version, though, would have had Shannon Tweed and Andrew Stevens and that would have been an improvement on the people who are starring in the version that was actually released. Invasion of the Pod People had potential to be a guilty pleasure but the visual style is so flat and unappealing and the soundtrack is so muddy that the movie feels much longer than just 85 minutes. With a little fine-tuning and a more invested cast, Invasion of the Pod People could have been a Skinemax classic but it was just released ten years too late.

Game Review: Nose Bleed (2022, Stanwixbuster)

Posted on October 3, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

You are an office drone, just trying to get your work done without causing any trouble or getting on the bad side of the co-worker who is always reprimanding you for doing something to embarrass everyone else. You are at your desk, not bothering anyone, when suddenly you feel it running down your face. It’s blood. Your nose is bleeding. And no matter how much you try, you cannot get it to stop. Even though there’s an event that you simply cannot get out of attending, you cannot get your nose to stop bleeding.

Nose Bleed is a text-adventure game that is primarily about dealing with a bloody nose but it’s also a game about social anxiety, office politics, and the horror of knowing that there is nothing you can do to prevent further embarrassment. There’s only so long that you can hide a nose bleed and when the people you work with discover what’s happening, their reaction leaves much to be desired. Not only is the text well-written but the visuals also put you right in the story. As the nose bleed continues, just moving the curser from one option to another causes a trail of blood to appear on the screen. Towards the end of the game, my screen was almost totally red. Just like the character in the game, I couldn’t stop the bleeding. It sounds grotesque but this game is about more than just a nose bleed. It’s about the experience of dealing with people who, when they see someone else in distress, can’t do anything but worry about how it’s going to effect them. It’s about the guilt that comes with being told that everything is always your fault. The horror is both visual and psychological and it’s not always easy to deal with the emotions that the game captures. But the ending is very satisfying, making this one of the best recent horror games that I’ve played.

Play Nose Bleed

Music Video of the Day: Poison Heart by Ramones (1992, directed by Samuel Bayer)

Posted on October 3, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

Though he had retired from the band to pursue a solo career, Dee Dee Ramone wrote Poison Heart and gave it to Ramones. The story has always been that Dee Dee gave them the song as a way to thank the band for bailing him out of jail. I don’t know if that story is true or not but it does have a ring of truth to it. Print the legend, to quote The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.

The song appeared on the soundtrack for Pet Semetary 2 and the video is clearly inspired by that song, with the child being forcefully dragged through the cemetery while the band performs in what appears to be an underground tunnel.

This video was directed by Samuel Bayer, who has done videos for just about everyone.

Enjoy!

Great Moments In Television History #23: Barnabas Collins Is Freed From His Coffin

Posted on October 2, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

The year was 1967 and, in Collinsport, Maine, a petty criminal named Willie Loomis was about to make television history. Convinced that a fortune in jewelry was hidden in the Collins family’s mausoleum, Willie broke in and opened a coffin that, strangely, was covered in chains. Willie expected to find a fortune. Instead, he found Barnabas Collins, a 200 year-old vampire who transformed Willie into his servant and proceeded to spend the next five years masquerading as a cousin from Britain while searching for both a cure to his condition and for the reincarnation of the love of his life, Josette.

Played by stage actor Jonathan Frid, Barnabas Collins made his first appearance on the April 18th, 1967 episode of Dark Shadows. Though Barnabas was originally only meant to be a temporary addition to the show’s roster of characters, Frid proved to be popular with viewers, like my mother who not only watched the show when it first aired but also when reruns were broadcast in syndication many years later. The show soon came to center on the ruthless vampire.

In fact, Frid and Barnabas became some identified with the show that many are still shocked to learn that Dark Shadows had run for a full year before Barnabas was introduced as a character. When the show airs in syndication, it usually starts with Willie (played by John Karlen) opening Barnabas’s coffin and not with the earlier episodes in which the show’s nominal lead character, Victoria Winters, first arrived at Collinwood and met the members of the family.

Many future horror directors and writers have stated that their interest in the genre began with watching Jonathan Frid on Dark Shadows. And it all began with that one great moment when Willie Loomis opened the coffin and set Barnabas free.

Previous Moments In Television History: