The movie opens up with a shot of a house from Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills (2015) and College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015).
Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)
College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)
Inside, we meet Cosgrove (Robert Donavan). He starts off the film talking to a painting of Erika Jordan who plays Lady Dracovich. He tells her that she thought she would live forever, but that death got her anyways. He seems to imply that he had something to do with her death.
Of course within seconds of him walking away, she appears on the stairs to make a threat, and start the opening credits.
Now it’s time to meet our main character. That would be Cindy, played by Blair Williams. She’s visiting Madame Zola, played Kira Noir.
After saying some stuff, Zola presses a remote control, and releases some special effects.
I think the ghosts are at the bottom of the screen, and not on the ceiling, Cindy.
It’s pretty funny. She will look almost every direction except where we see the ghosts.
Cindy wants to know her future. Zola lays it on pretty thick. All you need to know is that she has a glowing ball, a remote control for effects, and she recently “repossessed” the powers of the psychic world that allow her to know all.
In order to help Cindy, Zola needs to know what Cindy’s fears are. Those would be the following:
- Enclosed spaces
- Open spaces
- Hot food
- Cold food
- Gluten-free food
- Children
- Vampires
- Birds
- Cornucopias
I’d like to think that’s Kira Noir wondering why they couldn’t get Jacqui Holland to play this role. Holland appears to have gone back to making B-movie horror films.
So, let me get this straight about Cindy’s fears.
- She’s afraid of where almost every scene in this movie will take place.
- She’s afraid of the very few times she will be outside.
- She can’t eat…
- She can’t eat the cakes that show up later.
- I’m assuming the cake is gluten-free.
- So are the filmmakers, which is why there is always legal info at the end of the credits concerning the age of the actors.
- Vampires don’t live here anymore. McKendrick made sure to clean them out after Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills.
- Who isn’t afraid that the placeholder on IMDb for a remake of The Birds is going to turn into a real movie?
- I guess she’s afraid of the ending of the movie then.
I’m being harsh on Blair. She isn’t the best at the bimbo routine, nor the evil one, but she pulls off both well-enough for this movie. I don’t have any real complaints about her performance.
After a few more lines of dialog, they have sex. It makes sense because…I have no idea.
Now we follow Blair home to find out that rent is due.
And by home, I of course mean the room from The Love Machine (2016) and Model For Murder (2015).
The Love Machine (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)
Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)
We also meet Cindy’s roommate Sara (Morgan Lee). The last time I saw her was in a small role in the movie Carnal Wishes (2015).
Carnal Wishes (2015, dir. Jon Taylor)
As you can see, she finds it a bit ridiculous that with rent due, Blair went and saw Madame Zola, regardless of Cindy’s assurances that she got her money’s worth. Oh, and their landlord’s name is Mr. Catwhistle. I just thought I’d mention that.
They get a knock on the door. It’s Cosgrove. He’s here to deliver nonsense.
Dracovich wasn’t liked in life, so she left instructions that the first person who pushed the “like” button on her My Spacebook page would inherit her estate. Yes, they really say “My Spacebook.” It’s no dumber than Degrassi’s Facerange. The news causes them to make a stupid joke.
As you might have already guessed because you’ve seen this plot in a million other movies before, there is a catch. They need to protect a book, or they lose the estate.
They aren’t allowed to read it either.
Now it’s time to meet Professor Gordon. He’s played by Andrew Espinoza Long.
Cindy wants some leave from her class to deal with this estate business, which is fine by him. During this, he is having some trouble with Carter Cruise under the desk. I’m just going to assume she dropped a pencil down there, and was to embarrassed to popup while Cindy was still there.
Why is she wearing a graduation cap and gown? I don’t know. Here’s a shot of Long’s chest to distract you.
It’s like I caught him in the middle of posing for a perfume ad. They had sex of course in case you were confused as to why he is half-naked.
Blair pays a visit to Madame Zola so she can give her an ominous warning, which is ignored, and followed by Blair and Sara going to the Dracovich estate. We see that same overhead shot from Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills as they enter the house.
Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)
They head upstairs. On their way up, Sara looks at the portrait, and we find out that she would have sex with Dracovich if she were alive. Naturally, Cindy touches the painting, becomes possessed by Dracovich…
and they have sex. Some people smash a champagne bottle to christen something new. Others have a sex scene, so that they can poke fun at the woman always keeping her heels on by having Cindy barefoot while Sara leaves her sneakers on.
If you’re thinking this seems like a lot of sex so far, then you’d be right. This is only a half-hour into the movie, and there’s already been three scenes. There’s a lot in this one.
Cosgrove shows up at the house. His Dracovich sense must have been tingling.
This is as good a time as any to bring up that the best scenes in this movie are with Donavan. He does a good job. I like it when they get in an established actor to be in these. Even if by “established”, I mean he was in Trancers 6 (2002).
Trancers 6 (2002, dir. Jay Woelfel)
The actual reason he is at the house is because he needs Cindy–who is still possessed–to sign some papers.
We find out that Dracovich was a sexual predator. If you were a man, then she’d turn you into her servant. If you were a woman, then she’d turn you into her slave. And I’m sure if you were gender-fluid, then she’d turn you into a synonym for servant or slave.
Talking, talking, Cosgrove probably pushed her off the stairs to kill her, Dracovich leaves Cindy’s body, Cindy is wondering why she thinks she’s been licked all over, and we are back at professor Gordon’s office.
Cathy (Carter Cruise) brings in a cake.
Close enough to “Happy homecoming.”
These two plan to go over to the Dracovich house because they don’t have any other sets to loot.
Kira Noir takes a shower so that we know that while Blair will never change clothes during this movie, at least Madame Zola is clean.
She gets a threatening call from Dracovich telling her to stay away. She knows that it’s Lady Dracovich because she hung up on her. I’m not kidding.
Back home, it’s time for a Ouija board to make a cameo appearance.
I’m sorry. I mean a Witchboard, as they call it. I haven’t seen the Witchboard movies yet, but the third one has the subtitle of “The Possession”, so it fits.
The letter thing moves, and that’s the cue for Gordon and Cathy to come in to present them with the cake.
Gordon goes off with Blair to talk about the mystery surrounding when exactly during this scene Dracovich possessed her again. All that I saw was the camera angle change. This turns on Gordon, and they proceed to have sex.
I couldn’t be less interested in this scene. Yes, the sex scenes do little for me except to allow me to not have to take as many screenshots since I can’t show those parts. But the reason this scene is particularly uninteresting to me is that once you’ve seen Long go at it with three cheerleaders in this same room, than this is really boring.
College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)
If there’s only one sex scene I remember from any of these movies that I’ve reviewed, it’s that one.
Cathy is looking exactly where anyone would for valuables–the kitchen cabinets.
The cake opens up on her to reveal a reference to the Art PA’s pseudonym.
Now Dracovich decides to make a personal appearance. She tells Cathy that she can’t have the book unless Cathy distracts her.
Notice that the clock says it is 3:16 in the afternoon. Part way into the distraction, it will be 4:17. Is that how long they were actually going at it?
You can also see someone reflected in the oven.
I hope Erika Jordan got hazard pay. It looks like at any moment she could have hit the back of her head on the corner of the countertop.
Sara now goes around the house looking for people, and Cosgrove shows up.
At the same time, Cathy wakes up on the floor. She finds the book on the counter. She opens it so that she can become possessed.
Cosgrove comes in and takes the book before going to chew out the painting of Dracovich. We find out here that he did kill her. According to him, Dracovich can come back to life if she has a male sacrifice. He thinks there are only women here, so it won’t be an issue. He hears a woman moan, which tells him Dracovich is up to something. I’m not sure why. In this movie, that could mean some of the girls are celebrating the opening of a door.
Since there is very little time left in the movie, he is right, and finds Professor Gordon tied up on a bed having an orgy. Madame Zola shows up seemingly just to join the party. Sara jumps in too.
Off to the side of the bed, we can see Dracovich appearing to orchestrate the action.
This place really reminds me of one of the rooms in David DeCoteau’s house.
Cosgrove waits around for awhile so that we can watch before he ends the scene by opening the book. They all get zapped, but I can only show you Dracovich.
Cindy tells him he did a good job stopping Dracovich. But she wonders why he felt the need to do it so fast considering how quickly he was able to dispatch her.
It makes perfect sense, Cindy. He set the house on fire.
End of movie.
This isn’t a bad one of these movies. There is too much sex and the plot is barely existent. However, Donavan is good. It was nice to see Carter Cruise again in a role that wasn’t a complete ditz. Long was funny as usual. There were some humorous lines that I couldn’t show you because I forgot to turn on subtitles. They kept having Blair Williams say words that are almost what she means to say. There’s a little bit between her and Morgan Lee about Dracovich and Malkovich–vich is vich?
Ultimately, this one is only worth it if you are just looking for sex. There isn’t a whole lot more to it.
If you had just moved to a small town in Georgia and your teenage son was framed for marijuana possession and sentenced to years of hard labor, what would you do?
Through the Shattered Lens 