Late Night Cable Horror Review: Paranormal Sexperiments (2016, dir. Terrance Ryker)


The movie opens up with a shot of a house from Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills (2015) and College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015).

Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Inside, we meet Cosgrove (Robert Donavan). He starts off the film talking to a painting of Erika Jordan who plays Lady Dracovich. He tells her that she thought she would live forever, but that death got her anyways. He seems to imply that he had something to do with her death.

Of course within seconds of him walking away, she appears on the stairs to make a threat, and start the opening credits.

Now it’s time to meet our main character. That would be Cindy, played by Blair Williams. She’s visiting Madame Zola, played Kira Noir.

After saying some stuff, Zola presses a remote control, and releases some special effects.

I think the ghosts are at the bottom of the screen, and not on the ceiling, Cindy.

It’s pretty funny. She will look almost every direction except where we see the ghosts.

Cindy wants to know her future. Zola lays it on pretty thick. All you need to know is that she has a glowing ball, a remote control for effects, and she recently “repossessed” the powers of the psychic world that allow her to know all.

In order to help Cindy, Zola needs to know what Cindy’s fears are. Those would be the following:

  1. Enclosed spaces
  2. Open spaces
  3. Hot food
  4. Cold food
  5. Gluten-free food
  6. Children
  7. Vampires
  8. Birds
  9. Cornucopias

I’d like to think that’s Kira Noir wondering why they couldn’t get Jacqui Holland to play this role. Holland appears to have gone back to making B-movie horror films.

So, let me get this straight about Cindy’s fears.

  1. She’s afraid of where almost every scene in this movie will take place.
  2. She’s afraid of the very few times she will be outside.
  3. She can’t eat…
  4. She can’t eat the cakes that show up later.
  5. I’m assuming the cake is gluten-free.
  6. So are the filmmakers, which is why there is always legal info at the end of the credits concerning the age of the actors.
  7. Vampires don’t live here anymore. McKendrick made sure to clean them out after Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills.
  8. Who isn’t afraid that the placeholder on IMDb for a remake of The Birds is going to turn into a real movie?
  9. I guess she’s afraid of the ending of the movie then.

I’m being harsh on Blair. She isn’t the best at the bimbo routine, nor the evil one, but she pulls off both well-enough for this movie. I don’t have any real complaints about her performance.

After a few more lines of dialog, they have sex. It makes sense because…I have no idea.

Now we follow Blair home to find out that rent is due.

And by home, I of course mean the room from The Love Machine (2016) and Model For Murder (2015).

The Love Machine (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

We also meet Cindy’s roommate Sara (Morgan Lee). The last time I saw her was in a small role in the movie Carnal Wishes (2015).

Carnal Wishes (2015, dir. Jon Taylor)

As you can see, she finds it a bit ridiculous that with rent due, Blair went and saw Madame Zola, regardless of Cindy’s assurances that she got her money’s worth. Oh, and their landlord’s name is Mr. Catwhistle. I just thought I’d mention that.

They get a knock on the door. It’s Cosgrove. He’s here to deliver nonsense.

Dracovich wasn’t liked in life, so she left instructions that the first person who pushed the “like” button on her My Spacebook page would inherit her estate. Yes, they really say “My Spacebook.” It’s no dumber than Degrassi’s Facerange. The news causes them to make a stupid joke.

As you might have already guessed because you’ve seen this plot in a million other movies before, there is a catch. They need to protect a book, or they lose the estate.

They aren’t allowed to read it either.

Now it’s time to meet Professor Gordon. He’s played by Andrew Espinoza Long.

Cindy wants some leave from her class to deal with this estate business, which is fine by him. During this, he is having some trouble with Carter Cruise under the desk. I’m just going to assume she dropped a pencil down there, and was to embarrassed to popup while Cindy was still there.

Why is she wearing a graduation cap and gown? I don’t know. Here’s a shot of Long’s chest to distract you.

It’s like I caught him in the middle of posing for a perfume ad. They had sex of course in case you were confused as to why he is half-naked.

Blair pays a visit to Madame Zola so she can give her an ominous warning, which is ignored, and followed by Blair and Sara going to the Dracovich estate. We see that same overhead shot from Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills as they enter the house.

Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

They head upstairs. On their way up, Sara looks at the portrait, and we find out that she would have sex with Dracovich if she were alive. Naturally, Cindy touches the painting, becomes possessed by Dracovich…

and they have sex. Some people smash a champagne bottle to christen something new. Others have a sex scene, so that they can poke fun at the woman always keeping her heels on by having Cindy barefoot while Sara leaves her sneakers on.

If you’re thinking this seems like a lot of sex so far, then you’d be right. This is only a half-hour into the movie, and there’s already been three scenes. There’s a lot in this one.

Cosgrove shows up at the house. His Dracovich sense must have been tingling.

This is as good a time as any to bring up that the best scenes in this movie are with Donavan. He does a good job. I like it when they get in an established actor to be in these. Even if by “established”, I mean he was in Trancers 6 (2002).

Trancers 6 (2002, dir. Jay Woelfel)

Trancers 6 (2002, dir. Jay Woelfel)

The actual reason he is at the house is because he needs Cindy–who is still possessed–to sign some papers.

We find out that Dracovich was a sexual predator. If you were a man, then she’d turn you into her servant. If you were a woman, then she’d turn you into her slave. And I’m sure if you were gender-fluid, then she’d turn you into a synonym for servant or slave.

Talking, talking, Cosgrove probably pushed her off the stairs to kill her, Dracovich leaves Cindy’s body, Cindy is wondering why she thinks she’s been licked all over, and we are back at professor Gordon’s office.

Cathy (Carter Cruise) brings in a cake.

Close enough to “Happy homecoming.”

These two plan to go over to the Dracovich house because they don’t have any other sets to loot.

Kira Noir takes a shower so that we know that while Blair will never change clothes during this movie, at least Madame Zola is clean.

She gets a threatening call from Dracovich telling her to stay away. She knows that it’s Lady Dracovich because she hung up on her. I’m not kidding.

Back home, it’s time for a Ouija board to make a cameo appearance.

I’m sorry. I mean a Witchboard, as they call it. I haven’t seen the Witchboard movies yet, but the third one has the subtitle of “The Possession”, so it fits.

The letter thing moves, and that’s the cue for Gordon and Cathy to come in to present them with the cake.

Gordon goes off with Blair to talk about the mystery surrounding when exactly during this scene Dracovich possessed her again. All that I saw was the camera angle change. This turns on Gordon, and they proceed to have sex.

I couldn’t be less interested in this scene. Yes, the sex scenes do little for me except to allow me to not have to take as many screenshots since I can’t show those parts. But the reason this scene is particularly uninteresting to me is that once you’ve seen Long go at it with three cheerleaders in this same room, than this is really boring.

College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

If there’s only one sex scene I remember from any of these movies that I’ve reviewed, it’s that one.

Cathy is looking exactly where anyone would for valuables–the kitchen cabinets.

The cake opens up on her to reveal a reference to the Art PA’s pseudonym.

Now Dracovich decides to make a personal appearance. She tells Cathy that she can’t have the book unless Cathy distracts her.

Notice that the clock says it is 3:16 in the afternoon. Part way into the distraction, it will be 4:17. Is that how long they were actually going at it?

You can also see someone reflected in the oven.

I hope Erika Jordan got hazard pay. It looks like at any moment she could have hit the back of her head on the corner of the countertop.

Sara now goes around the house looking for people, and Cosgrove shows up.

At the same time, Cathy wakes up on the floor. She finds the book on the counter. She opens it so that she can become possessed.

Cosgrove comes in and takes the book before going to chew out the painting of Dracovich. We find out here that he did kill her. According to him, Dracovich can come back to life if she has a male sacrifice. He thinks there are only women here, so it won’t be an issue. He hears a woman moan, which tells him Dracovich is up to something. I’m not sure why. In this movie, that could mean some of the girls are celebrating the opening of a door.

Since there is very little time left in the movie, he is right, and finds Professor Gordon tied up on a bed having an orgy. Madame Zola shows up seemingly just to join the party. Sara jumps in too.

Off to the side of the bed, we can see Dracovich appearing to orchestrate the action.

This place really reminds me of one of the rooms in David DeCoteau’s house.

Cosgrove waits around for awhile so that we can watch before he ends the scene by opening the book. They all get zapped, but I can only show you Dracovich.

Cindy tells him he did a good job stopping Dracovich. But she wonders why he felt the need to do it so fast considering how quickly he was able to dispatch her.

It makes perfect sense, Cindy. He set the house on fire.

End of movie.

This isn’t a bad one of these movies. There is too much sex and the plot is barely existent. However, Donavan is good. It was nice to see Carter Cruise again in a role that wasn’t a complete ditz. Long was funny as usual. There were some humorous lines that I couldn’t show you because I forgot to turn on subtitles. They kept having Blair Williams say words that are almost what she means to say. There’s a little bit between her and Morgan Lee about Dracovich and Malkovich–vich is vich?

Ultimately, this one is only worth it if you are just looking for sex. There isn’t a whole lot more to it.

Late Night Cable Movie Review: The Love Machine (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)


It’s been awhile since I wrote a review of a feature film. Let’s see if I can still get through one of these. How hard can it be? It’s a Dean McKendrick movie.

If you’re gonna watch this, then I hope you have seen McKendrick’s The Deadly Pickup (2016) and Model For Murder (2016) since this is basically a third film in what could be an unofficial trilogy.

The movie begins, and we see what looks like an amplifier with two voltage gauges, a pressure gauge stuck on top, and something that shoots a beam out of it, which I’m sure comes from another one of McKendrick’s films.

Much like this set, which is where Sarah Hunter’s character from Model For Murder was killed.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

In this film, Carter Cruise is playing Bair. She is in a session with psychologist, Dr. Stephanie Bradshaw (Jennifer Korbin). Bradshaw asks her what she does when she sees an attractive man. She wants to know what her first thoughts are. Those first thoughts are of stock footage from The Deadly Pickup.

The opening kill.

And Rick!

You remember Rick, right? He’s the guy who got pricked with her poisonousness ring, yet still managed to stumble from the car where they had sex…

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

so that he could die somewhere else.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Then he came back in Model For Murder as a photographer.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

There’s also a flashback to Charlie who had to be rescued from Cruise by Deputy Randall.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Don’t worry, Deputy Randall, who was promoted to detective in Model For Murder, makes a return in this film. Like Cruise, he is playing a different character. However, unlike Cruise, he is played by Billy Snow via the pseudonym of Alan Long. Makes sense to use the name of an actor from 1975’s Pick-up.

After the reused footage, the doctor turns up the dial on the machine, then asks her again what she wants to do with the attractive man.

Perfect! I can’t say the same about these opening credits though. This dance number with Erika Jordan goes on just short of forever.

It only exists so she can give a lap dance to one of our main characters, Don (Justin Berti), in order to introduce us to him.

It also gives me an excuse to wonder what led her from working as a detective to dancing at this club.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Also, Don has gone from managing models to sadly having to visit this strip club.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

After a shot of a street somewhere, we cut to the bedroom where Erika Jordan and Billy Snow had sex in Model For Murder.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

This is where we meet Don’s wife, Jane (Alice Haig). They are having trouble with their marriage. He wants to try couples therapy, but she is reluctant, so he leaves to sleep on the couch, which judging by the paint on the walls, is probably in the same building as the room from earlier.

Meanwhile, at the $20 Oil Change…

Don strikes up a conversation with his friend John (Michael Hopkins) concerning his marriage problems.

I know I said something similar when I talked about Model For Murder, but welcome back to the world of the living, Josh. You might remember Michael Hopkins as Carter Cruise’s first victim in The Deadly Pickup. Or you don’t, because you have a life, haven’t seen all three movies, and certainly haven’t paid this much attention to them.

We also get the return of Sheriff Bates…

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

except this time Michael Gaglio owns this $20 Oil Change.

And I got this humorous shot of Justin Berti.

It doesn’t have to do with anything. I just thought I’d share it with you.

John suggests a therapist that worked for him and his wife, Angie.

Then we get what looks like a new set.

Sure, it appears to have been decorated by the same people who did the police station in The Deadly Pickup, but I couldn’t find it anywhere else.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Inside, the doctor gets the story from Don and Jane about their troubles while they sit on the couch that Rick had sex on in Model For Murder.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Of course she’s an ideal candidate to be zapped by that machine. The questions ultimately lead the doctor to asking Jane about her sexual fantasies. This time we don’t get stock footage. It’s just another reused set. She dreams of sunbathing on the set of the sexual encounter with a murder victim her husband told police about in Model For Murder.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

And of course there’s a pool boy (Robbie Caroll). You may remember him as the police officer who arrested Katie Morgan at the beginning of Vixens From Venus (2016).

Vixens From Venus (2016, dir. Sal V. Miers)

Much like Jordan, his career seems to be on the downswing. He was once a police officer, and now he’s been reduced to being a pool boy.

This is the first sex scene of the movie. I would love to have heard the conversation on the other end of this that Jane was having with the doctor.

While this scene happens, we are treated to a few minutes of a soundalike of Take Five by The Dave Brubeck Quartet.

The session went well, and a follow-up appointment is set.

Now we get to find out what the outcome of these treatments is when we get to meet John’s wife, Angie (Pepper XO).

A call comes in from the therapist who tells Angie that “it’s time.” That means it’s time to have sex on Brian and Traci’s bed from The Deadly Pickup.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

It also means that it’s time for John to die from a corkscrew to the chest.

The next morning, Jane tells Don that she thinks the treatments are going well, and Don goes off to work to have the bad news broken to him about his friend being killed. But before Don receives the bad news, we get to see that the $20 Oil Change has an SBC payphone in 2016.

Gaglio breaks the news to Don, which leads the film to immediately cut to two people having sex on a leopard-print bed. I have no idea who they are.

She gets a call from the doctor, and he’s dead.

Now Jane meets Jeff (Billy Snow). If he looks worried here…

it’s because of who his wife is.

Jane goes in for another treatment. While she is under the control of the machine, the doctor forces herself upon Jane. No joke. They really could have left this scene out–no matter how short it is.

Don now breaks the news to Jane about John’s death so that we know the two of them have a reason to start being suspicious of the doctor. That’s not important though, because the scene that I was waiting for, finally happens.

Breezy finally gets her revenge on Deputy Randall. Does the rest of the film really matter now?

Okay, fine. Jane is lying in bed when she has a dream of Christine Nguyen doing a shower scene. I’m not kidding. They randomly inserted a shower scene by having Jane dream about one out of the blue for no apparent reason.

With the death of Billy Snow, Don is convinced things are fishy with the doctor, and he tries to talk Jane out of seeing her. It doesn’t work.

Then they have another shower scene. I have to give them some credit. They do end it with pertinent information to the plot. Jane remembers the doctor’s “Kill him” line.

Don does some intense research online about the doctor.

Long story short, something bad happened to her, so she’s taking revenge on other people.

Don now races to save his wife from this monster. Unfortunately, Don’s an idiot, and Jane zaps him with the machine, leading to a sex scene. However, since we are at the end of the film, when Jane pulls a gun to shoot him, he takes it away from her.

The doctor comes in, and I kind of love Don because he doesn’t hesitate for second. She pulls a knife, and he shoots her.

A quick shot at the machine, and Jane is free from its power. A couple lines of dialog are exchanged, then the movie abruptly ends.

So, that’s The Love Machine.

For the people watching for entertainment value, it doesn’t have much to offer other than getting to see Carter Cruise do in Billy Snow.

For people watching for the sex, it doesn’t have much either. There are a couple of sex scenes, and two shower scenes shoehorned into the movie. The one scene of girl-on-girl is kind of disturbing seeing as the doctor does sexually assault her. Then the movie adds confusion since that encounter is what appears to trigger her to have a dream about a woman taking a shower. Yet, it’s never followed up on.

I almost would have preferred the doctor to win in the end by taking Jane away with her. Sure, it would have been dark, but it would have been something memorable about this movie.

I can’t recommend this one.

Late Night Cable Movie Review: The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)


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Yes, you read the title of the post correctly. No matter how much that title sounds like a Lifetime movie–it isn’t. I’m not sure how Dean McKendrick beat Doug Campbell to that title.

This time around we have one of those good old misleading posters.

deadly-pickup-408567-poster

Death also gives top billing to an actor who is well-known, shows up for one sex scene, and then is killed off. Better than the cameo appearance from Amy Lindsay in Carnal Wishes (2015) that probably accounts for 80% of the views I have on that review. She had as much importance in that movie as Colonel Sanders did in The Phynx (1970).

The Phynx (1970, dir. Lee H. Katzin)

The Phynx (1970, dir. Lee H. Katzin)

That is to say, next to nothing.

That country road is also not to be found in the film. The car of course is impossible to be in this film considering it is a late night cable movie about a hitchhiker who kills her victims after having sex with them. There just isn’t enough room. You will also only see her hitchhike once in this film. However, she does pretty much look like that.

Anyways, the movie opens up with shots of the beach, including a seagull that is here to tell us Dean McKendrick also edited the film in addition to writing and directing it.

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Then we find out that Dean McKendrick and Sal V. Miers joined forces to bring us this movie.

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Does that mean we are going to get a genre spoof with progressive politics mixed together with sex? Not exactly.

Once the credits are done, our deadly pickup appears on the side of the road.

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That’s Breezy played by Carter Cruise. They call her that because the movie was written by Dean McKendrick.

She is picked up by Josh (Michael Hopkins). He is headed for the local state university. She plays along till they have killed enough time for a sex scene to happen.

Once the scene is complete, she sticks him with a poisonous ring, and he dies.

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She then makes a rather pitiful attempt to wipe the car of prints. That’s a little bit of the humor I would expect from Sal V. Miers since because it is softcore, there wouldn’t be the kind of DNA evidence you would expect from actual sex.

Now we meet a couple–Brian and Traci–who have a room for rent and are played by William F. Bryant and Kira Noir respectively.

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Maybe it’s just because I recently read someone else’s review of Clueless (1995), but I took one look at her, and thought: Porno Stacey Dash. It’s actually kind of clever what they do with her. She will only have sex with her husband, which in turn, foreshadows the ending of the movie. The instant they are done having an exposition conversation to setup the plot of the film, Breezy shows up at their door.

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Since none of the other actors are in need of a place to stay, they let her rent a room to help pay his college tuition while Traci works at a bar.

That’s when a cop shows up to discover the last sex scene.

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He is played by Billy Snow, and his character is Deputy Randall.

Next, Breezy decides to take the slowest shower ever. Seeing as Traci is working at the bar, Brian is left alone to stumble upon her in the shower, and seems to be enjoying it more than the audience.

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Traci gets home from work to find Brian very much in the mood for love. The plot will have to wait a bit.

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Now we cut to an office, or somebodies house, where we meet Sheriff Bates played by Michael Gaglio.

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You might recognize him from numerous films of this sort, but he has also appeared in and worked on other films such as Lifetime and SyFy movies. He even played Santa in the movie A Perfect Christmas List (2014).

He recognizes the M.O., and tells Randall to pull the file on a similar case in Nevada. He then sends him out to canvass the houses nearby where the incident occurred since there aren’t many in the area.

That’s plenty of plot for now, so Breezy discovers a guy named Rick (Jon Fleming) on the beach.

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Lucky for them, he has a van parked nearby so they won’t have to worry about the sand. This really makes me wonder. Does she seek out people who have cars large enough to have sex in? Does she let the ones who don’t, live? Doesn’t matter, once the scene is done, he gets pricked by the poisonous ring too.

Deputy Randall then shows up at Traci and Brian’s place. He talks to them about the situation. Then Breezy walks in, so he talks to her alone. As he is leaving, we get this shot of Carter Cruise looking devious.

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Now we cut to the bar where Traci works for that person who left a comment on my review of Bikini Model Mayhem (2016) that was disappointed they didn’t show the bartender more, and he didn’t have a sex scene.

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That’s Charlie, played by Cody Deal. This whole conversation exists so that Charlie can’t point out the obvious to Traci. That being, that if a murderer is on the loose and a random woman showed up to live at your house, that it’s a good idea to look into her a bit.

Then we cut to the police station where Deputy Randall gets a call that they found a dead body on the beach. What?!? We just saw him alive a few minutes ago in between the two scenes above.

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But seriously, he’s dead. I’m guessing something happened that I don’t recall, or they just decided they needed him killed off after some aborted plot they had in mind.

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In between, Sarah Hunter shows up to make her Sophia Loren in Operation Crossbow (1965) cameo appearance.

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Of course she ends up dead too. Breezy is an equal opportunity murderer. It’s a shame. I’m assuming since Sal V. Miers was involved in the production of this movie that after she broke out of prison in Bad Girls Behind Bars (2016), she lost her way, and wound up here to get murdered.

We’re getting down to the wire here as evidenced by Billy Snow’s intense look.

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Breezy and Randall have a conversation at the bar. Traci goes back home to snoop in Breezy’s room. Breezy goes with Deputy Randall back to the police station because she needs to accidentally knock over his coffee. That can mean only one thing.

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Since we need someone to stop Breezy, the sheriff shows up to interrupt her plans to murder him. The sheriff receives a call, and we find out Breezy’s real name is Brenda Johnson. She worked at her father’s factory that made rat poison.

Now Breezy catches Traci looking through her stuff, tries to seduce her, and is told she needs to be out by morning. Traci found some incriminating evidence, so she calls Deputy Randall. The call comes complete with flashbacks, and now Randall is out to catch Breezy.

But they save the best for last. Seriously, it’s like they were teasing the audience the whole time as to whether Charlie would have a scene. After they make good use of a pool table, Deputy Randall shows up to put a stop to the movie, so Breezy threatens to kill Charlie.

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It’s funny, but during this brief scene, Carter Cruise suddenly goes from she can’t act to save her life to I want to see her in something where she doesn’t play a murderous ditz. Deputy Randall takes the shot, and Billy Snow gets to deliver a line he was probably dying for the chance to say.

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Then we get what always feels weird when it happens in these movies–a happy ending I would expect from a mainstream TV Movie.

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They get $50,000 for turning in Breezy, it pays his college tuition, and they decide to have children.

In summary, we have a couple who is tempted to cheat on each other by a woman who moves in with them, and it ultimately brings them closer together by resisting her temptations.

It’s not the worst I’ve seen. I’ve seen far far worse, but I would recommend some of the other late night cable movies I’ve reviewed like Bikini Model Mayhem instead. This, like Wicked Deeds (2016), seems to have been made off the heels of the film noir Carnal Wishes, but it just doesn’t come together as well, nor is as interesting. Also, if you want to see Sarah Hunter in something decent that I’ve reviewed, then watch Bad Girls Behind Bars.