Guilty Pleasure No. 67: Aerobicide (dir by David A. Prior)

Posted on October 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It doesn’t get more 80s than 1987’s Aerobicide, a rather ludicrous slasher film that is also known as Killer Workout.

The clients and the staff at Rhonda’s Work-Out are in danger. People are being murdered inside the gym, left and right. One member of the gym is slashed to death in the showers. Another one is beaten to death with a barbell while his friend is killed with a very large safety pin. One instructors ends up hanging in a closet while another is stabbed to death in a locker room. A group of teens show up to spray graffiti on the outside of the club and they all end up getting murdered as well.

Most people would assume that, with all of those murders going on, that the place would be closed down or, at the very least, people would stop frequenting the gym. But no, the opposite happens. Every murder is followed by an aerobics class, in which the camera shamelessly lingers on the lycra-clad participants, none of whom seem to be particularly concerned about working out at a crime scene. ( If your body’s looking too big, one of the film’s many songs tells us, Like a hippo or a pig/ Gotta workout/ gotta work out….) The gym’s owner, Rhonda Johnson (Marica Karr), doesn’t seem to be particularly concerned about the gym getting a bad reputation as a result of all the murders. Instead, she’s more annoyed with her surviving instructors, snapping at one, “Stop showing off your tits and that tight little ass!” Personally, I would think looking good would be a top priority for someone working at a gym but apparently, Rhonda feels differently.

(Then again, if people were being murdered at my gym, I’d probably cancel my membership, despite the fact that my gym is only a few blocks away from my house and most of the people who go there are relatively cool. That said, the main reason why I signed up for a membership was so my sister could get a discount on her membership fees. Personally, I prefer running.)

Even if Rhonda refuses to close the gym, you would think that Lt. Morgan (David James Campbell) would make sure that the gym had a full-time police presence. Eventually, Morgan does assign one policeman to watch the gym but that’s only after several murders have already occurred and that one policeman’s presence doesn’t really do much good. Then again, Lt. Morgan never comes across as being a particularly good cop. Morgan is spectacularly bad at his job, which wouldn’t be a huge problem if not for the fact that Morgan is also the hero of the film. Eventually, he does figure out that the murders are connected to a tragic tanning bed accident but it’s hard to say how exactly he managed to do that. Rather than actually showing us Lt. Morgan gathering clues and drawing conclusions, the film just has him randomly blurt stuff out.

It’s all pretty ridiculous but, because the film is such a film of it’s time, it’s also rather fascinating. Killer Workout may not have been the only or even the first film to combine Flashdance with slasher chills but it is the first one to feature a song with lyrics like, “It’s the perfect body you’re looking for/it’s aerobocide.” This is one of those films where you come for the big hair and the 80s fashions and the bass-heavy score and you stay for the ludicrous plot twists, the overacting, the overheated dialogue, and the out-of-nowhere plot twists that dominate the film’s final 30 minutes. It’s not necessarily a “good” film but I defy anyone to look away once it begins.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Megaforce (1982, directed by Hal Needham)

Posted on June 16, 2020 by Jedadiah Leland

Megaforce is the code name for America’s daring, highly-trained, Special Mission force. Its purpose: To defend human freedom against Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world.

Oh wait, that’s G.I, Joe!

Megaforce is another daring, highly-trained, Special Mission force. Led by Ace Hunter (Barry Bostwick), Megaforce is a group of international soldiers who have the latest technology at their disposal, like dune buggies and lasers and all of the cars the were left over from Cannonball Run. They also have flying motorcycles that can shoot missiles and we can all agree that’s pretty damn cool. When Megaforce is recruited to protect the Republic of Sardun from being conquered by the nation of Gamibia, it brings Ace and his men into conflict with Duke Gurerra (Henry Silva), who used to be a friend of Ace’s until he became a mercenary who would work for the highest bidder. Duke’s latest employer? GAMIBIA!

Megaforce is a strange movie. Director Hal Needham later said that, when the film went into production, he felt he had his finger on the pulse of the country and apparently he thought America was ready for a movie about a group of men who wear skin-tight uniforms and who communicate almost exclusively by giving each other a thumbs up. What led to Needham choosing to cast Barry Bostwick in the lead role? Bostwick is very enthusiastic as Ace but he’s not a believable military leader. We expect discipline and stoicism from our military leaders but Bostwick always seems to be a little too excited about everything. “Remember,” he says, “the good guys always win! Even in the 80s!” Then he kisses his thumb, which is his way of letting the newest member of Megaforce, Zara (Persis Khambatta), know that she is loved. I don’t know of many military leaders who were known for kissing their thumbs. Patton probably could have gotten away with it. Eisenhower, however, never would have been elected President if he had been half as enthusiastic as Ace Hunter.

There’s not really any plot to Megaforce. Zara tries out for the group but she’s a woman so she has to prove herself. Ace and his second-in-command, Dallas (Michael Beck), lead the troops in Gamimbia. The soldiers shoot lasers and rockets from their glowing cars and their flying motorcycles but Megaforce is one of those strange action movies where no one is actually injured as a result of all the violence. Megaforce was made for the kids. It was made for an audience that cares more about flying motorcycles than plot or good acting or the non-existent romantic sparks between Barry Bostwick and Persis Khambatta. In 1982, there probably wasn’t a parent alive who didn’t dread the prospect of their child demanding to watch Megaforce for the hundredth time.

Megaforce has a reputation for being one of the worst movies ever made but it’s not that bad. How many other films feature something like this:

It’s impossible not to appreciate the brave efforts of the actors as they feign excitement over something that was definitely not actually happening in front of them. Michael Beck and Barry Bostwick will make you believe that a green screen can be used to make a motorcycle look like it can fly. Megaforce’s slogan may be Deed Not Words but who needs either when you’ve got a hundred dollars to spend on your special effect budget?

I will be the first to admit that Megaforce is no Delta Force but it’s dumb and sometimes it features Barry Bostwick on a flying motorcycle and it’s got Henry Silva in it, laughing like a maniac. And finally, it leaves us all with a valuable lesson. The good guys always win! Even in the … 20s.

Love On The Shattered Lens: Xanadu (dir by Robert Greenwald)

Posted on February 21, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“What the Hell did I just watch?” I asked myself as the end credits rolled for the 1980 film, Xanadu.

Xanadu is one of those films where words just fail you. It’s a musical and it stars Olivia Newton-John, who has a good voice even if she’s also kind of a bland screen presence. The music is really good. I love the main song and it’s definitely one that has gotten stuck in my head every time that I’ve heard it. Of course, for the longest time, I thought Olivia was singing, “One-a-due.” (Seriously, I’m the worst when it comes to mishearing lyrics.) But no, I later discover that she was singing about Xanadu and who would have guessed that Xanadu would turn out to be a roller disco?

Yes, it’s a very strange movie.

Xanadu starts out with a mural of nine women coming to life. The 9 women are the Muses. You may remember them from Greek mythology. They exist to inspire artists who inevitably end up falling in love with him without realizing that a muse is not allowed to love back. This leads to a lot of great art but also to a lot of broken hearts. Olivia Newton-John plays a muse named Terpsichore but she prefers to be known as Kira because …. well, wouldn’t you? For centuries, Kira has inspired great works of art. She’s worked with Michelangelo and probably a few poets as well. As someone who majored in Art History, I’m thankful for Kira because, without her, my degree would be totally useless as opposed to just slightly. In the year 1980, Kira has again entered the mortal world so that she can inspire …. a roller disco.

Yeah, okay.

Listen, I could probably go on for about a thousand words about how disappointed I would be to go from inspiring the Mona Lisa to inspiring a tacky roller disco in Malibu. But it doesn’t seem to bother Kira so good for her! Of course, Kira is a bit distracted because she’s broken the number one rule of being a muse. She’s fallen in love with an artist!

Sonny Malone (Michael Beck) is a painter whose job involves painting larger versions of album covers so that they can be displayed in the windows of record stores. Sonny dreams of being an independent artist but instead, he’s stuck recreating the works of others. He feels like his life and his work are going nowhere. However, once he sees a picture of Kira, he is immediately inspired. And then, when Kira skates up behind him and kisses him, he’s in love!

Yay!

The only problem, of course, is that Sonny is a human being and Kira is a mythological creature. If Sonny was destined to fall in love with a creature from Greek mythology, I guess he should be happy that it was one of the muses and not Medusa. But anyway, Kira says that she’s not allowed to be with Sonny so Sonny tries to talk Zeus and Hera into changing the rules. Whether or not he succeeds is kind of left up in the air. I think a bigger problem would be the fact that Kira is immortal whereas Sonny comes across like he’ll probably end up snorting too much cocaine before the 80s are over. But that’s never really brought up in the film.

Around the same time that Sonny meets Kira, he also meets Danny (Gene Kelly!), who is a former big time band leader who now spends his time hanging out on the beach and dreaming about opening up a roller disco. It turns out that, when Danny was a young man, he was also inspired by Kira. Danny and Sonny join forces and soon, Xanadu is a reality! Danny fantasizes about a 1940s style nightclub. Sonny fantasizes about a generic “rock club.” They may have two different visions but fortunately, they both agree one one thing: everyone has to wear roller skates.

Xanadu is one of those films where not much really happens but it’s still incredibly busy. Danny keeps on dancing. Sonny keeps on painting and bitching about how his life isn’t going anywhere. Kira keeps on roller skating through everyone’s life. As I said, the music’s great but the storyline …. well, to be honest, I thought the film’s story was fun as an example of something that could only have seemed logical in the late 70s. I mean, it’s an incredibly stupid film but Gene Kelly’s in it and, even at the age of 68, he was still such a dedicated old trouper that you can’t help but smile whenever he breaks out a few moves. Add to that, Michael Beck and Olivia Newton-John do make for a cute couple, even if both of them were reportedly miserable during filming. They just look like they belong together, in a California beach community sort of way.

Xanadu’s a big mess of a movie but it’ll make you dance and it’ll make you sing. All together now: One-a-due, One-a-due something want to do….*

In The City: THE WARRIORS (Paramount 1979)

Posted on September 4, 2018 by gary loggins

cracked rear viewer

Back in the 70’s, the crowd I hung out with didn’t give a rat’s ass about STAR WARS … THE WARRIORS was THE movie to see! The film reportedly resulted in outbreaks of violence, vandalism, and even three deaths – including one up in Boston! – and Paramount Pictures pulled all its advertising, because that’s what adults do! Didn’t matter to us, though… everyone already knew about THE WARRIORS and it’s glorification of violence, and all the neighborhood cool kids just had to catch it (including a certain long-haired wiseass who used to amuse his street corner friends with his “useless knowledge” of old movies).

The myriad street gangs of New York City have declared a truce and gathered together for a big meet called by Cyrus, leader of The Riffs. The charismatic Cyrus whips ’em into a frenzy proposing they all organize into one huge gang to control The…

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A Movie A Day #66: Deadly Game (1991, directed by Thomas J. Wright)

Posted on March 7, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Seven strangers are invited to a remote island by a mysterious billionaire named Osiris. There is a doctor, a dancer, an auto mechanic, a mercenary, a football player and his agent, and a member of the Yakuza. The auto mechanic points out that, in Egyptian mythology, Osiris judged mankind’s sins. For some reason, none of the seven think twice about going to the island but, once they arrive, they soon discover that they should have. Osiris is willing to give them seven million dollars but to get it, they have to reach the other end of the island without being killed by Osiris or his men.

Of the many movie adaptations of The Most Dangerous Game, this is probably the worst. The cast, which includes Michael Beck, Marc Singer, Jenny Seagrove, Mitch Ryan, John Pleshette, Soon-Tek Oh, and Roddy McDowall, isn’t bad but the script is terrible, full of overwrought dialogue and plot holes. Across the island, Osiris has left clues that are designed to trigger flashbacks and lead to each member of the seven explaining what it is that they did in the past. But for that to work, Osiris would have to know exactly what route the seven of them were going to use to cross the island and he would also have to know who would still be alive by the time that they came across each clue. Also, whenever they come across the clue, everyone stands around and wastes valuable time arguing about it. Considering that there are armed men trying to kill them, no one seems to be in that much of a hurry to make it to the other side of the island. The flashbacks themselves are interesting in how clumsily they are put together. 40ish Marc Singer plays himself as a senior in high school.

Like Hitler’s Daughter, Deadly Game was originally made for the USA network. The first time I saw it was in the UK where, for some reason, it seemed to air frequently during the mid-1990s. (Possibly this was because it starred quintessential Hollywood Brit Roddy McDowall. That’s the only reason I can think of.) It’s now on YouTube, for anyone who wants to sit through it.