The TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: Chopping Mall (dir by Jim Wynorski)


This 1986 film tells the story of what happens when one local mall decides that it’s had enough of thievery and vandalism.

First off, automatic locks and shutters are installed.  What that means is that, at a certain hour, anyone who is inside the mall is going to be trapped there until the morning.  Secondly, three robots are used as a security force.  They’re called Protectors and they roll around, looking for thieves and keeping people safe.  Don’t worry about getting mistaken for a thief, of course.  As long as you’ve got a badge, the protector will just say, “Thank you and have a good day.”

It all seems perfect but …. what if the robots malfunction?  What if they ignore the badges and just start killing anyone unlucky enough to be trapped in the mall for the night?  Surely, that could never happen, right?

Of course, it does happen.  Thanks to a freak electrical storm, the Protectors come to life and set out to keep the mall safe from intruders.  First, they kill the technicians that are supposed to keeping a watch over them.  Then, they kill a janitor named Walter Paisley (played, of course, by Dick Miller).  Then, they set off after the six attractive people who were having a sleep-over in one of the stores.

So, what did I learn from Chopping Mall?

Well, I was tempted to say that I learned not to shoplift but actually, no one in the movie gets in trouble for shoplifting.  I guess the main thing I learned is not to walk around the mall in my underwear because that definitely seems to be something that will cause the Protectors to blow up your head.

I also learned that, if you’re tapped in the mall with a bunch of killer robots, the best place to go is the sporting goods store because that store not only has a lot of automatic rifles but also an unlimited supply of ammunition.  Of course, I already learned that from Dawn of the Dead but it’s always good to be reminded….

Anyway, Chopping Mall is a lot of fun.  It’s undeniably dated.  Just the fact that everyone’s life revolves around a mall tells you just how dated it is.  I guess if they made the film now, it would have to take place at an Ikea store or maybe an Amazon warehouse.  But the fact that the film is dated is a part of what makes it so much fun to watch.  Seriously, it’s amazing all of the stuff that apparently used to go on at the local mall in the 80s.

Despite the fact that they have a bad habit of killing people, the Protectors are actually kind of cute.  If nothing else, they’re unfailingly polite.  You have to love the fact that they’ll wish you a nice day even after they’ve killed you.  Surprisingly enough, the humans are just as likable as the Protectors.  For a film about killer robots, Chopping Mall is surprisingly well-acted by a likable cast.  Russell Todd, who was the best-looking man to ever be killed by Jason Voorhees, is in this film and he’s as broodingly handsome here as he was in Friday the 13th Part II.

Chopping Mall is a good mix of humor and thrills and robots and exploding heads and Dick Miller.  This is 80s mall horror at its best!

Cinemax Friday: Not Of This Earth (1988, directed by Jim Wynorski)


Since today is director Jim Wynorski’s birthday, I want to review one of his early films.

A remake of the Roger Corman classic, Wynorksi’s Not Of This Earth stars Traci Lords as Nadine Story, a nurse who works in the office of Dr. Rochelle (Ace Mask) and who has a boyfriend named Harry (Roger Lodge) who is also a cop.  (The leads to jokes like, “Harry called.  He said he left his nightstick with you last night.”)  Dr. Rochelle’s main patient is the mysterious Mr. Johnson (Arthur Roberts), who dresses in all black, always wears sunglasses, and who needs frequent blood transfusions.  When Dr. Rochelle takes a look at Mr. Johnson’s blood, he sees that Mr. Johnson has a strange blood disease that has apparently never been discovered before.  Dr. Rochelle sends Nadine over to work at Mr. Johnson’s home as his private nurse.  Of course, Mr. Johnson is not of this Earth.  His planet is dying and, as Nadine discovers, he is on Earth to search for a new supply of blood.

Wynorski’s version of Not Of This Earth follows the exact same plot of the Corman original, right down to having a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman fall victim to the alien’s bloodlust.  (In the original, the salesman was played by Dick Miller.  In the remake, he’s played by Michael Delano.  Miller does not even get a cameo in the remake of Not of this Earth, which is surprising considering it was still a Corman production and Wynorski previously cast Miller in Chopping Mall.)  They’re both enjoyable movies, especially if you’re in the mood for something that won’t require much thought.  The main difference between the the two versions of Not of this Earth is that the Wynorski version features a lot more nudity and that it makes no pretense towards being anything other than a comedy.

This was Traci Lords’s first role in a non-adult film and she knocks it out of the park.  The scandal surrounding her adult film career has always overshadowed the fact that, for all of her notoriety, Traci Lords was actually a pretty good actress who could handle comedy.  While the deliberately campy humor in Not of this Earth is no one’s definition of subtle, Lords shows good comedic timing and, most importantly, she delivers her lines with a straight face and without winking at the audience.

Wynorski later said that the movie was so popular on video that he was able to buy a house with his share of the profits.  Not of this Earth is a classic Wynorski production, featuring everything that made Jim Wynorski a late-night cable and direct-to-video favorite in the 90s.

Cinemax Friday: Demolition High (1996, directed by Jim Wynorski)


A group of terrorists take over a high school and announce that, unless their demands are met, they will launch a nuclear missile at a nuclear power plant which I guess will cause double the nuclear destruction.  Since they already have a nuclear missile, it feels like also threatening to blow up the power plant is definite overkill.  With the school now full of terrorists and explosives, it’s up to one student to kill the terrorists one-by-one and save his classmates.  It’s Die Hard in a High School (cool!), with the Bruce Willis role being taken on by … COREY HAIM!

That bit of casting tells you both why Demolition High doesn’t work and also why anyone would be watching this direct-to-video “action” film in the first place.  The 25 year-old Haim plays Lenny Slater, a high school student who knows Kung Fu because he grew up in the Bronx.  His father (played by Alan Thicke!) moves to a small town, both to become a police chief and to hopefully keep Lenny from getting into any more trouble.  Lenny’s all trouble, though, and terrorist leader Luther (the great Jef Kober) is about to discover that he’s invaded the wrong high school.

If I had watched this film in the 90s or even the early aughts, I would have laughed at how bad Corey Haim is as an action hero but today, knowing all we know about his life and how Hollywood essentially enabled his worst tendencies and then abandoned him when he become too self-destructive to work, it’s not as easy to watch an obviously troubled actor who has gone from being a big star to appearing in a direct-to-video Die Hard rip-off.  Trying to disguise the fact that he’s too old to be playing a high school student, Haim wears a flannel shirt and an earring and has a bowl cut.  Whenever he talks to his classmates, you expect him to say, “How do you do, fellow kids?”  As heavily edited as the fight scenes are, it’s still obvious that Haim had no idea how to throw a punch.  On the plus side, even while obviously addled by drug abuse, Corey Haim was still a better actor than Stephen Seagal.

Demolition High is pretty dumb but it was directed by Jim Wynorski so at least there’s some inside jokes.  Gerrit Graham and Dick Van Patten both have small roles and Alan Thicke gets to tell an FBI agent to “Think with your heart, not with your badge.”  Wynorski also cast Melissa Brasselle as Tayna, a sexy terrorist who wears black leather.  He deserves some credit for that.  (When the film was released on video, Brasselle was featured on the cover, not Haim.)  Some of the techniques that Lenny uses to take out the terrorists are creative, if never really plausible.  In this case, Lenny is helped by the stupidity of the terrorists.  It’s not every evil terrorist who is clumsy enough to stumble head first into a table saw.

Demolition High was apparently successful enough to be followed by a sequel, Demolition U.  I’ll look at the movie tomorrow.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Chopping Mall, Demons 2, The Fly, The Hitcher


4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

This October, we’re using 4 Shots From 4 Films to look at some of the best years that horror has to offer!

4 Shots From 4 1986 Horror Films

Chopping Mall (1986, dir by Jim Wynorski)

Demons 2 (1986, dir by Lamberto Bava)

The Fly (1986, dir. by David Cronenberg)

The Hitcher (1986, dir by Robert Harmon)

The TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: Hard To Die (dir by Jim Wynorski)


 

Do you remember how, a few days ago, I reviewed a silly little movie called Sorority House Massacre II?

Well, it turns out that there’s a sequel and it’s on YouTube!  Both films were directed by Jim Wynorski and featured pretty much the same cast, despite the fact that a few of them were playing new characters.  It was released under several different titles.  Hard To Die is the one that I’m going with for this review.  However, the film was also known as Tower of Terror, which makes sense when you consider that the majority of the film takes place in a hi-rise office building.  It was also apparently released in some places as Sorority House Massacre III, despite the fact that there’s no sorority house in the movie.

Actually, it’s debatable whether or not Hard To Die is actually a sequel.  It’s true that Orville Ketchum (Peter Spellos) does make another appearance.  In the first movie, Orville was the creepy neighbor.  In Hard To Die, he’s the janitor at the office building.  Orville tells the exact same story, with the exact same flashbacks, that he told in Sorority House Massacre II.  (Those flashbacks, of course, were lifted from a totally unrelated movie called Slumber Party Massacre.  There were apparently a lot of massacres in the 80s and 90s.)  The evil spirit of Hockstadder returns as well, though this time he comes flying out of a box that was accidentally delivered to the office building as opposed to a Ouija board.  And, of course, there’s an abundance of lingerie, awkward dialogue, and cheap gore effects.  (At one point, a bucket of fake blood is literally splashed on a wall.)  However, Hard To Die also tells almost exactly the same story of Sorority House Massacre II.  There are so few differences that I’m actually more tempted to say that Hard To Die is a remake of Sorority House Massacre II than a sequel.  The only problem with that theory is whether or not a second movie can be considered remake when the first movie literally came out the exact same year.

(One of the reasons that I love my work here at the TSL is that it allows me to obsess over minutia like this.)

Anyway, the main difference between Hard To Die and Sorority House Massacre III is that there’s no sorority house in Hard To Die.  Instead, Hard To Die takes place in a lingerie shop that just happens to be located on the 7th floor of a skyscraper.  The hard-working employees are spending the weekend doing inventory but it’s not going to well.  For one thing, the sprinklers accidentally go off so everyone decides to take off their wet clothes, put on skimpy lingerie, and order pizza.  Personally, I probably would have waited for the pizza to arrive before getting naked but then again, I’ve never worked retail or dated a pizza deliveryman.

The pizza does eventually arrive but no one gets to eat it because the deliveryperson gets set on fire and ends up falling several floors to her death.  That’s a waste of good pizza, which is kind of depressing.  Meanwhile, Orville keeps trying to warn everyone about Hockstadder but, instead, he keeps getting beaten up.  The end credits of Hard To Die promised that the next film would be called Orville In Orbit.  Apparently, it was never made but I do hope that Orville got a vacation after all of this.

Anyway, Hard To Die is an extremely silly movie but it’s just so sincere in its silliness that it feels somewhat churlish to be too critical of it.  If I had to choose whether to be in Sorority House Massacre II or Hard To Die, I would probably pick Hard To Die because, at least in that movie, I’d get to shoot a machine gun.  Hard To Die is so blatantly and unapologetically over the top that you can’t help but be amused by it all.

The TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: Sorority House Massacre II (dir by Jim Wynorski)


Some movies just force the viewer to ask, “What would you do?”

I mean, just consider what it would be like to be in the scenario that’s presented to us in the 1990 film, Sorority House Massacre II.  You’re a college student.  You’ve got your entire future ahead of you.  The president of your sorority has just purchased a new sorority house and she wants you and three others to spend the weekend helping her fix the place up.

You arrive at the house and you discover that it’s literally on the verge of collapsing.  There’s no electricity.  There’s no telephone.  (And remember, this is back when people just used landlines.)  There’s no hot water.  Soon after arriving, you’re informed that there’s two reasons why the house was being sold at such a cheap price.

First off, there’s the neighbor.  He’s a creepy, kinda pervy-looking guy named Orville Ketchum.  When Orville comes over to meet his new neighbors, he announces that he has the keys to the basement.  He reaches into his pants to retrieve them.  Ewwww!

Secondly, it turns out that the house isn’t just any deserted house.  It’s the old Hockstadder Place!  Years ago, Mr. Hockstadder killed his daughters before dying.  Orville witnessed the whole thing.  As he tells the story, you might notice that the flashbacks are lifted from a film called Slumber Party Massacre, despite the fact that you’re starring in Sorority House Massacre II.

Despite all of that, you still enter the house.  A storm is rolling in and, whenever you look out the window, you see the same lightning stock footage that has appeared in a countless number of cheap horror movies.

When you and your friends decide to explore the basement, you find a Ouija board.  You know that Ouija boards can be dangerous but everyone else wants to run upstairs and use it.  Someone suggests that maybe the board can be used to contact the spirit of Hockstadder.  After all, according to Orville, Hockstadder swore that his murderous spirit would never leave the house and would possess anyone who tried to move in.

At this point, you have two options.

Do you say, “Okay, obviously, it’s not a good idea to contact the spirit of a murderer — especially one that said he would possess anyone who tries to contact him — so I’m going to go ahead and leave now?”

or

Do you light some candles, strip down to your underwear in front of a bunch of open windows (despite the fact that weird old Orville is right across the street), sit on a filthy floor, and try to communicate with the spirit of a homicidal maniac?

The smart option would be the first one so, of course, the characters in Sorority House Massacre II do the exact opposite.  Then again, nobody in Sorority House Massacre II appears to be that smart.  For one thing, they’re all in their 30s and they have yet to graduate college.  Trust me, I wish I could have stayed in college forever but, at some point, you really do have to either graduate or drop out.  Tuition’s not cheap.

Anyway, Sorority House Massacre II is one of those movies that just amuses me to death.  There’s absolutely nothing subtle about it.  It’s such a blatant exploitation film that you can’t help but admire it for not pretending to be something that it isn’t.  (At the same time, it’s rather tame when compared to the movies that we’re used to today.  Whenever someone is killed, obviously fake blood is squirted on a wall.)  This may be a stupid movie but it’s very sincere in its stupidity and there’s something to be said for that.

Add to that, Peter Spellos is memorably weird as Orville.  The way he delivers his lines makes Orville into the neighbor that everyone would dread having next door.  In the end, though, it’s a good thing that Orville was there.

Finally, there is one surprisingly effective moment.  The movie starts with the “final girl” huddled in a dark room, begging the unseen killer to remember who they are.  The movie then flashes back to that morning, with the girls standing in front of the house.  The abrupt cut from darkness to the bright and sunny morning is surprisingly effective and feels almost dream-like.  Though one gets the feeling it was probably unintentional, it’s still works far better than you’d expect.

A Movie A Day #49: Body Chemistry 4: Full Exposure (1995, directed by Jim Wynorski)


51tj679zxfl

After five years of kinky sex and murder, the Body Chemistry franchise ended with Body Chemistry 4: Full Exposure.

Like the third film, Full Exposure was directed by Jim Wynorski and produced by Andrew Stevens.  Shannon Tweed stepped into the role of murderous Dr. Claire Archer, replacing Shari Shattuck.  Shannon Tweed was always one of the most talented of the actresses who regularly appeared on what was then nicknamed Skinemax.  It wasn’t just that Tweed always seemed to being give it her all in her films’ frequent sex scenes.  Tweed also had the look and style of an old-fashioned femme fatale.  It was easy to imagine her trading sultry quips with Alan Ladd or Tom Neal.  This made Tweed perfect for the role of Claire Archer and her performance was a noticeable improvement on Shari Shattuck’s.  It’s just too bad the rest of the film was such a snoozefest.

In Full Exposure, after getting away with three murders in the first two Body Chemistry films, Claire has finally been arrested.  She is on trial for killing Alan Clay (Andrew Stevens) at the end of the third film.  However, she has a hotshot lawyer named Simon Mitchell (Larry Poindexter) and she is soon up to her old tricks, having sex with Simon in his office, a parking garage, and an elevator.  Simon’s aide, Lane (Marta Martin), has come across proof of Claire’s crimes but Claire has a plan to take care of that.  She always does.

Full Exposure starts out as a typical Body Chemistry film, with neon-lit sex scenes, but it quickly get bogged down in lengthy courtroom sequences.  In the previous three films, Claire at least had some sort of motivation but here, it’s never clear why she would try to destroy her lawyer’s life during the trial instead of waiting until he had, at least, gotten her off the hook.  Tweed is a perfect Claire but the rest of the cast is just going through the motions.   Though Claire once again got away with murder, there were no more chapters to her story after this one.  The Body Chemistry franchise managed to do a lot with a very thin premise but Full Exposure shows, that by the fourth film, there was no where left to go.

A Movie A Day #48: Body Chemistry III: Point of Seduction (1994, directed by Jim Wynorksi)


big

In Body Chemistry III, Jim Wynorski and Andrew Stevens take over the venerable franchise and things quickly get meta.

Alan Clay (Andrew Stevens, who also produced) is a TV director who wants to make serious films about the environment but his producer, Bob (Robert Forster), is only interested in exploitation films.  His wife, soap opera star Beth Chaney (Morgan Fairchild). wants Alan to direct her in a great role but Alan tells her, “I’m not a creative artist, Beth!  I’m a TV director who specializes in women-in-jepordy thrillers!”  That should make Alan the perfect choice to make a movie about Claire Archer.

Having gotten away with murdering both of her two previous lovers and her boss at the radio station, Dr. Claire Archer (Shari Shattuck, replacing Lisa Pescia) is now hosting her own TV talk show, Looking At You With Claire Archer.  She has also written a best-selling textbook called Sex and Violence and Vice Versa.  Her former colleague, Freddie (Chick Venerra, taking over the role played by Dave Kagen in the first film), has quit the sex research game is now a screenwriter.  He wants to write a script about Claire but he can not convince her to sign over the rights to her story.  Maybe a night with Alan can change her mind.

Claire’s soon up to her old tricks.  Alan wants to break it off with her, Freddie is figuring out that Claire is a murderer, and Beth wants to play her in the movie.

Featuring no one from either of the two original Body Chemistry films (even when Freddie sees a picture of Big Chuck from Part 2, an anonymous extra has replaced Morton Downey, Jr) and shot in Jim Wynorski’s signature “drop your top,” straight-to-video style, Body Chemistry 3 is a deliberate parody of the genre.  It’s easy to recognize Robert Forster’s Bob as being a stand-in for Body Chemistry‘s executive producer, Roger Corman while Freddie is the most obnoxious screenwriter since the one Tim Robbins killed in The Player.  All of that makes Part 3 more interesting than the first two Body Chemistry films.  If the sultry Lisa Pescia had returned to play Dr. Archer, it might even be a classic.  Shari Shattuck gives a game performance but lacks the demented intensity that Pescia brought to the role.

For tomorrow’s movie a day, Wynorski and Stevens return but Shannon Tweed takes over the role of Claire Archer in Body Chemistry 4: Full Exposure.

 

Late Night Cable Horror: Scared Topless (2013, dir. Jim Wynorski)


IMG_1208

I think director Jim Wynorski just recycled a title here because he also directed The Bare Wench Project 2: Scared Topless in 2001. I really don’t need to see that because it probably has the girls bath in snot. No joke, there’s something like that here.

The movie opens with a lady in a one piece bathing suit seductively washing an old car while ~1930’s jazz plays.

IMG_1125

Note that it’s in HD, widescreen, and color because your mind is about to be blown. First we see a hand reach out to a blonde who is sitting on a bench behind the car. She doesn’t come to him so he goes to the girl in the bathing suit.

IMG_1136

That’s a WWII uniform. Then they proceed to have sex. That’s when it suddenly cuts to some people sitting on a coach watching them on TV. By the way, this guy looks happy, doesn’t he?

IMG_1141

Maybe he was just informed that this was not only one of those where the girls look into the camera, but also was just told about the ectoplasm scene later in the movie.

Anyways, now Professor Rand (Michael Swan) informs us that we were watching Hollywood couple Gayle Evelyn and Peter Sherwood. Them screwing by a pool was the last time they were seen in front of a camera. And then.

IMG_1147

Yep. Now we’ve mixed the 1940’s with the 1920’s. Oh, and nobody corrects her. However, she does go on to say she “didn’t even know sex existed back then.”

IMG_1148

Thank you, Frankie Cullen. Thank you for showing us what our face is going to look like just about anytime anyone in this movie opens their mouth to say something. Now we find out that Sherwood rose to fame in the 1930’s. At this point, I don’t care. 1920s, 1930s, and the 1940s are the same decade as far as this movie is concerned. Now we get some story about how they both died. It really doesn’t matter. All you need to know is he died in a plane crash and she locked herself up in a mansion all alone.

This is apparently an advanced psychokinesis class. Now it’s off to the haunted house where they are going to spend a couple of nights. This is also where we finally get that title card at the start of this review. Also, Jim Wynorski used the pseudonym Harold Blueberry for this movie.

But before we go we need to have two sex scenes. This one guy goes at it with his girlfriend, who we learn is the skeptic of the bunch. It’s because he’s from the Show Me state. You know…New Jersey!

IMG_1226

After that is over with, Cullen and one of the other girls go and visit a psychic. By that, I mean they have a threesome with her. But not before Frankie Cullen gives use these lines.

Cullen: “I don’t know about you, doll, but if she appears to me, don’t go grabbing for the trousers flying out the front door.”
Girl: “Why?”
Cullen: “Cause I’ll be in ’em. Any horny ghost shows up, I’m gone.”

Now we arrive at the mansion. We meet a girl who is supposed to be the great granddaughter of that blonde sitting on the bench at the beginning of the movie who was named Dawn Cummings. Dawn was Gayle Evelyn’s best friend. Apparently, she was also the one filming that video. We also learn that one of the girls is into the paranormal stuff cause her dad was a magician.

Now the three girls go and have a shower together. Cause of course they do. It’s actually a humorous scene because the one girl has breasts bigger than the shortest girl’s head. She’s on one side of the short girl and another girl taller than her is on the other.

Anyways, after washing each other with Oil Of Olay soap, the psychic from earlier and her sidekick show up. And of course they proceed to go at it with mister Show Me state. Oh, I’m sorry, they read his palm. When they go to kiss his palm, music that sounds like it’s from Friday the 13th plays for a few seconds. Funny since Michael Swan who plays the Professor was in Part VI.

Now we finally get some paranormal activity.

IMG_1302

That’s Gayle Evelyn who shows up in one of the girl’s rooms. Of course they have sex. Then this happens.

IMG_1313

I’d say that’s the scariest thing in this movie, but that would be the ectoplasm scene. Now the possessed blonde goes and visits Frankie Cullen. After noting that her lingerie is “fun for the whole family.” He has sex with Gayle Evelyn through her new body. They keep changing the girls out during the scene.

After the Professor makes it clear that he bought this special thing that can contact the dead from an old fakir, not an old fucker, things start to come to a head. Luckily, Show Me state brought holy water with him that he never uses in this movie. The house shakes and so that’s when the Professor says they need to follow him to see if this manifestation leads them to Gayle Evelyn. Cue Frankie Cullen.

Cullen: “Um, I may have already been there, done that.”
Professor: “How do you mean?”
Cullen: “Well, earlier this afternoon, I may have had a close encounter with the spirit world.”
Professor: “You mean you felt her presence?”
Cullen: “That’s not all I felt.”

IMG_1360

Oh, Frankie, you kill me. But not as much as the next scene.

IMG_1368

The girl’s get together and after some ectoplasm drips on the one girl, they all bathe in it naked. You know, just like that scene in Ghostbusters (1984). This scene is disgusting. Let’s move on.

Of course that means to another sex scene. Show Me state goes into a room where an old radio is playing when the ghost of Dawn Cummings shows up. After informing her that she is the “ghostest with the mostest”, they have sex.

Running into Cullen and the Professor, he tells them that while he didn’t speak to Gayle he did get a “mouthful from her friend Dawn”. This whole conversation amounts to the dead couple needing to be reunited, which happens in short order. Then just when we think the movie is over a man steps out of the shadows.

IMG_1449

That’s the dead father who was a magician. He returns to tell his daughter to “believe in magic, sweet heart. Just believe.” A sentimental ending to a movie that had five girls bathe in what was clearly meant to look like sperm. I can’t say I expected to see that.

This one wasn’t bad. Well, except for some of the music. This is one that uses that Johnny Wet Pants song. I really hate that song and a couple of the others that I have heard in other late night cable movies.

Val’s Movie Roundup #1


I wanted to write about two gems today, but I don’t feel well. Today is as good a day as any to start this series of posts. I watch a lot of movies and I just can’t write full posts about each and every one. Instead, I am going to do little roundups like this from time to time. Here we go.

Talking Skateboard

The Skateboard Kid (1993) – When I was a kid, a piece of wood on wheels could make you cool. Studios knew this, so many stupid skateboarding movies were made. This was one of them. But this one has a twist. Ready for this? The skateboard talks! And it flies! To make matters worse, Dom DeLuise voices the skateboard. Stay away! Watch the Francis movies instead.

Another Talking Skateboard

The Skateboard Kid II (1995) – What do you do when a bad movie about a talking flying skateboard comes out? Make a sequel of course! But this one has two things different about it. One, the skateboard becomes possessed by Turhan Bey. Don’t recognize the name? He actually dated Lana Turner back in the day. Also, the movie was executively produced by Jim Wynorski. He made Chopping Mall back in the 80’s and the softcore porn film Sexually Bugged! in 2014. Haven’t seen the first one yet, but the second one stinks to high heaven. No wonder he directed it under the name Sam Pepperman. This Skateboard Kid is actually better than the first if you can believe that.

Time Barbarians

Time Barbarians (1990) – The movie starts in olden times. There’s a stupid warrior, a stupid amulet, stupid bad guys, and it takes an hour or so for all three to wind up in Los Angeles. It’s like waiting for Godzilla to appear in the 2014 version. Once they get there it gets as dumb as you think. He not only can block bullets with his sword, but bullets fired from an automatic weapon. That’s some fine work! Can you believe this actually came out before The Beastmaster did the same thing with it’s sequel?

Howard The Duck

Howard The Duck (1986) – Yeah, I finally watched this movie. I don’t know why it has the reputation it does. Maybe people were not familiar with what a bad movie truly was at the time or they made the mistake of worshipping a director. I’m leaning more towards the second since you see people spend years trying to find ways to defend bad movies made by otherwise good directors. It’s not good, but it’s stupid campy fun. Harmless. The major issue with the film is that they tried to make it like E.T. in that it’s almost all about getting Howard back home. I think audiences would have preferred more of the wisecracking fun and much less of the child friendly material. Still, I enjoyed it more than Iron Man 2 & 3 so it’s a better Marvel movie than those and they have received praise.