I was so excited and I could not wait until I could move onto the Nifty Fifties box set from Mill Creek. However, before doing that, I decided to check the status of my DVR and guess what?
I discovered that I only had 10 hours of space left!
Basically, stating in March, I recorded so many movies that I am now nearly out of space. So, before I do anything else, it’s time for me to, once again, clean out the DVR! I have 36 films to watch and review before I can truly declare that my DVR has been cleaned out. Fortunately, I’ve recorded a good variety of films — everything from Lifetime movies to horror films to Oscar nominees. Watching and reviews all of them should be fun!
So, let’s get started! Because you know what? If I don’t hurry up and get this done, my DVR’s going to start automatically deleting my older recordings. And that means that I’m running the risk of losing not only Jesus Christ Superstar, Bend It Like Beckham, and American Anthem but the final six episodes of Saved By The Bell: The College Years as well!
The first film that I watched was The Stepchild, which premiered on Lifetime on March 12th!
As you probably tell from the picture above, The Stepchild is a movie about secrets, lies, murder, tears, and possible insanity. In short, it has everything that we have come to expect from a Lifetime movie! Even better, it has a Degrassi connection. (Degrassi, as our regular readers should be aware at this point, is my favorite Canadian TV show.) The Stepchild stars Sarah Fisher, who played a somewhat unbalanced Christian named Becky Baker on Degrassi. Becky was perhaps one of the most annoying characters in the history of Degrassi but Sarah Fisher always did a good job playing her and she does a pretty good job in The Stepchild as well.
The Stepchild opens with Ashley (played by Fisher) in a mental hospital. She spends her time talking to her therapist and occasionally having brightly-lit flashbacks to the night that she found her father’s dead body and dropped — in a slow motion, naturally enough — a snow globe on the floor. Not only is Ashley shaken over the demise of her father, but she also fears that she may have inherited her dead mother’s schizophrenia. And again, it bears repeating that Sarah Fisher does a really good job in the role of Ashley, making her a character whose outward fragility disguises more inner strength than even she realizes that she possesses.
When Ashley is finally released from the hospital, she goes to live with her stepmother, Beth (Lauren Holly). Ashley is upset because it’s obvious that, in just the short time after her father’s death, Beth has rather quickly moved on to a new man, John (Paul Johansson). John was Ashley’s father’s business partner and, like Ashley, we are immediately suspicious of him. This is largely because he’s played by Paul Johansson and anyone who has ever seen One Tree Hill knows better than to trust any character played by Paul Johansson.
Ashley is convinced that John or someone else murdered her father. But did he? Or could it be that Ashley is having another nervous breakdown? (It’s a testament to Sarah Fisher’s performance that, even though the answer is obvious, the viewer still is never totally sure.) With the help of her boyfriend, Michael (Keenan Tracy), Ashley attempts to solve the mystery.
There’s nothing really original about The Stepchild. If you’ve ever seen a Lifetime film before, you’ll be able to guess what’s going to happen. That said, their inherent predictability is part of the appeal of Lifetime films in general and The Stepchild is an entertaining-enough diversion. Lauren Holly and Sarah Fisher both do good with their ambiguous characterizations and Paul Johansson always does a good job when he’s playing a jerk. The film has a few nicely shot dream sequences and, as we all know, dream sequences are always fun!
The Stepchild may not be a classic but it’s a perfectly enjoyable way to waste two hours.
(For those keeping track of my progress in cleaning out the DVR, that’s one down and thirty-five to go!)
Here’s the latest trailer for the film that has already been named by many as the front runner in this year’s Oscar race!
Nate Parker’s The Birth of a Nation tells the story of Nat Turner’s slave rebellion. They went crazy about it at Sundance and you’ll be able to judge it for yourself in October.
I will be the first to admit that it feels strange to admit that I’m actually looking forward to a movie featuring Shia LaBeouf.
(You ever notice how I always say stuff like that, despite the fact that Lawless wasn’t terrible and I enjoyed Fury about as much as I can enjoy any movie about war. Despite the fact that he’s actually appeared in a lot of decent films, I will always think of Shia as being the whiny kid from The Battle of Shaker Heights. That is the revolting power of Shia LaBeouf…)
However, I am very much looking forward to American Honey!
And you know why?
Because it’s the latest film from Andrea Arnold, who previously directed the absolutely exquisite Fish Tank. Fish Tank is one of those films that I watch and I just see myself, who I’ve been and who I could have become. It’s an amazing film.
Okay, before you watch the trailer for War On Everyone, there are three things you should know!
Number one, this is a red band trailer. That means that, if you watch it at work or in a public place, you will be immediately arrested and deported to Vermont. That is not something you want to risk because, as we all know, Vermont is an evil, evil place.
Secondly, this is the latest film from the brilliant Irish director, John Michael McDonagh. McDonagh directed two of the best films in recent cinematic history, The Guard and Calvary! (He’s also the brother of Martin McDonagh, who directed both In Bruges and Seven Psychopaths.) From what I’ve heard, War on Everyone is another McDonagh triumph!
Third, Michael Pena and Alexander Skarsgard play corrupt cops! After what happened to his honest cop in End of Watch, can you blame Pena for going bad?
Anyway, here is the red band trailer! It’s full of cursing and all sorts of fun stuff.
Is Tim Burton ever going to make another good film?
That’s a good question. For whatever reason, we are always expected to get excited whenever Tim Burton announces that he’s directing a new movie. Every year, someone says that Burton’s latest movie is going to be an Oscar contender. Somehow, Burton has gotten a reputation for being one of our greatest directors, despite the fact that it’s been a while since he’s really done anything that memorable.
(I did like Frankenweenie but both Dark Shadows and Big Eyes put me to sleep.)
(Tim Burton probably should have, at the very least, received several Oscar nominations for Ed Wood but that movie came out a long time ago.)
Anyway! The latest Tim Burton film that people are getting excited about is Mrs. Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children. This is being called Tim Burton’s X-Men. It’ll probably be better than Apocalypse.
Earlier tonight, I turned over to Lifetime and I watched the much hyped remake of Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? Having watched, what can I say about it?
*sigh*
Seriously, I had such high hopes. My hopes for this film were almost as high as I was the day I graduated from high school. That’s pretty freaking high!
And really, can you blame me? First off, the film was a remake of one of my favorite Lifetime films. And, while I usually hate remakes, the original Mother, May I Sleep With Danger was so over-the-top and melodramatic that it practically demanded a Deadly Adoption-style remake. The idea of mixing the original’s stalker plot with lesbian vampires just sounded so promising! And, on top of that, James Franco was involved!
Up until I saw the movie tonight, I was under the assumption that James Franco would actually be directing the remake. Well, he didn’t. Mother, May I Sleep With Danger was directed by Melanie Aitkenhead and, considering that this was her feature debut, she actually did a pretty good job. The film is full of atmospheric shots and Aitkenhead gets a surprising amount of mileage out of simply showing the movie’s vampires moving across the screen in slow motion.
Instead of direcing, James Franco served as executive producer and is credited with coming up with the film’s “original story.” (The actual screenplay is credited to Amber Coney, who also plays one of the vampires.) Franco also plays a theater professor who directs a production of Macbeth. In his production, Macbeth is played by a woman and you know what? That’s a great idea! In fact, there were times that I found myself thinking that, if I had to choose between watching Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? and James Franco’s Macbeth, I would definitely pick Macbeth.
As for the rest of the film — well, it actually has absolutely nothing in common with the original Mother, May I Sleep With Danger. The original film’s stars — Tori Spelling and Ivan Sergei — both show up in different roles but it would have been a lot more interesting if they had been playing the same roles. What if Sergei’s psycho stalker actually didn’t drown at the end of the original and ended up teaching a college class on Victorian literature? And what if his favorite student just happened to be the daughter of his former obsession (played, of course, by Tori Spelling)? That would have been interesting! Instead, Sergei is playing just any professor and Spelling is playing just any mother.
The majority of the film deals with Spelling’s daughter, Leah (Leila George), attempting to work up the courage to tell her mom that 1) she’s a lesbian and 2) she has a new girlfriend, named Pearl (Emily Meade). What Leah doesn’t know is that Pearl is actually a vampire and is being pressured by her blood-sucking friends to turn Leah into a vampire too. As well, nerdy and creepy Bob (Nick Eversman) has an unrequited crush on Leah. When Bob discovers that Leah has a girlfriend, he starts plotting to break them up.
And there’s a lot that I liked about Mother, May I Sleep With Danger. I liked that the film, unlike a few other Lifetime films that I’ve seen, was unapologetic about being sex positive. I liked that the film presented an unambigiously positive portrayal of a same-sex couple. I liked that the vampires were all stylish and enjoyed hanging out in cemeteries. The film’s best scenes featured the vampires infiltrating frat parties and feeding on the date rapists within. These were hugely satisfying scenes and I would have been happy if the entire movie had just been scene after scene of vampires attacking Brock Turner.
But despite all that worked about the movie, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger left me feeling disappointed. After all the hype and the raised expectations and the commercials promising us a masterpiece from “the twisted mind of James Franco,” there was really no way not to be disappointed by the final product. Unlike last year’s A Deadly Adoption, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger never managed to establish a consistent tone. It didn’t seem to be sure whether it wanted to be a comedy, a drama, a horror film, or an elaborate send-up of the Lifetime aesthetic. Whereas A Deadly Adoption was clearly a labor of snarky love, I couldn’t help but feel that Mother, May I Sleep With Danger had probably been made by people who don’t particularly like Lifetime films. As such, it worked as neither an homage nor a parody. Instead, it was just another movie about vampires and not a particularly original one at that.
And, hey, I like movies about vampires! I’ve seen a few hundred of them. I’ve certainly seen enough to know that Mother, May I Sleep With Danger didn’t bring anything new to the genre.
That said, I still love James Franco! Seriously, how can’t I?
I did say I would write this a few days after I watched part 1, but obviously that didn’t happen. My health problems hit me hard. That’s why I greatly appreciated the person who thanked me for providing instructions on how to find songs used in Hallmark movies in my review of Valentine Ever After. I also found it hilarious to receive a comment by someone who I believe thinks they know quite a bit about Hallmark movies seeing as they wanted to lecture me about them bundled together with personal attacks. They must have missed the recent Hallmark movie Hearts of Spring. It covered leaving nasty comments with personal attacks about how you know better than someone about something on that person’s blog when you disagree with their opinion and the damage it can cause. It was also about mint chocolate chip milkshakes.
But we aren’t here to discuss the wonderful world of writing movie reviews. We’re here to discuss this film, and hopefully have a little fun doing it. Especially with what happened today. Right, Ted?
Karen Kingsbury’s The Bridge, Part 1 (2015, dir. Mike Rohl)
The movie begins not quite where the first film left off. The first film had two kids named Ryan and Molly who go to college, meet, and fall in love before going their separate ways basically because there was a second part to the movie. The actual reasons are that there was an extra guy and girl along with Molly’s dad who came in between the two of them. It also had the story of Charlie and Donna who come together after a personal tragedy to create a bookstore whose main mission isn’t so much to sell books, but act as a place where people can bond over their love of reading. They called it The Bridge. The movie ended with Donna turning down Charlie to go back to church with him and standing at the checkout counter with “to be continued…” below her.
This film begins by treating us to that conversation between Molly (Katie Findlay) and Ryan (Wyatt Nash) from the end of the first film. That one where the phones were sometimes lit up near the character’s ear, and sometimes not.
I’m still not sure why that was a thing. To my knowledge, all cellphones turn the screen black so that you don’t accidentally hit buttons with your face when you are talking on them next to your ear. I’ve seen other Hallmark movies do this right sometimes and other times incorrectly.
After that we cut to Seattle, Washington 7 years later. Seeing as the first film started in 2009 and took them to Christmas of that year, it would mean that this film takes place in 2016 during the holidays. I guess that’s why they originally planned to air this at that time. I can’t imagine what a disaster that would have been considering the plot of this film. Then they cut to this shot that immediately follows the title card, which told us when and where we are.
I know A Christmas Detour had a litany of ridiculously photoshopped in Christmas stuff at the very beginning of the film. However, not only does director Ron Oliver have a sense of humor, but his movie was supposed to be a comedy. These two movies on the other hand are supposed to be rather serious. Plus, the movie then cuts inside to show us Molly and her dad (Steve Bacic) who-along with the sets-announce clearly that we are at his business. The establishing shot didn’t need to be there. Particularly if this was how it was going to look. While not needing to be there, I can’t say I’m shocked that it ended up there after seeing 170+ Hallmark films at the time of writing this review. Just like I’m not shocked that the dialog between Molly and her dad is there establish that she is on the brink of marrying the guy who wasn’t worth mentioning in my first review and becoming CEO of her dad’s company just before fate will intervene to bring her back to Ryan. That’s her Hallmark movie within this Hallmark movie.
Now we are reintroduced to Ryan who has just arrived home for the holidays. They decided to age Wyatt by having him grow a little facial hair.
I’m sorry, but there’s just something about the pattern of his mustache hair that says Frollo Gaston from The Secret of the Hunchback (1996) to me.
The Secret of the Hunchback (1996, dir. Mike Joens & Ken C. Johnson)
While I really did think it was going to happen, Charlie does not sprout wings in this like Quasimodo does in that film to reveal he’s an angel.
If there’s anything they did to Molly to age her, then it’s so superficial that I didn’t even notice. Still, she does actually look like an adult instead of Emilia Clarke in Terminator Genisys (2015) who really looked like a teenager.
Then we are re-introduced to Charlie (Ted McGinley) as he goes around town saying the bookstore will be rebuilt and open for business soon. It’s at times like this in the film that I wonder if it was purely budget or if Hallmark trimmed a few scenes to make this fit the runtime they had for this early airing of the film. We never really see the storm except for a weird scene. Charlie enters The Bridge after talking to people on the street and then looks up at a hole in his ceiling when we get a flashback to the storm. It’s very short, but at first I honestly thought Donna (Faith Ford) had been struck by lightning.
It’s a very short scene. I didn’t try to catch a screenshot like that. It’s how it came out. It’s also the only one I have that illustrates the lightning part of things.
In the first film, Charlie had a character who was thin as a playing card. In this second film, McGinley actually gets to do some acting as we see him trying to deal with the destruction of the bookstore. Of course good acting for Charlie is not meant to be here for some reason so he winds up getting attacked by a pole in his car and is out in a coma for the remainder of the film. That’s too bad cause for a brief period there, you really do get a glimpse of McGinley adding some depth to Charlie.
Then Molly comes back to town and discovers this whole situation with The Bridge along with Ryan. By the way, that’s the whole movie. Charlie ends up in a coma because he shouldn’t have been behind the wheel in his state and hit a pole. Molly comes back to town and with Ryan’s help, rallies the community and leverages the Internet to rebuild The Bridge. Then we get Charlie waking up from his coma to find that all is well thanks to the bonds he formed with and between the people the bookstore touched. I would think Hallmark viewers would be expecting something more substantial seeing as they were being asked to wait a whole year for this second film.
There are a couple of little subplots if you can even call them that. It’s really just the film tying up a few loose ends/removing a few roadblocks concerning Molly and Ryan to make sure they can end the film on a kiss between them.
There is one thing I found unintentionally funny about this movie.
I get why there are no last names. I mean I have seen Hallmark movies populate lists of names like this with crew members, but I understand. What’s funny is the one on the bottom. I wouldn’t think it was worth mentioning the obvious thing people associate with the name Slim if not for something that happened while I was watching the film. I mean other than this obvious association with the name Slim.
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964, dir. Stanley Kubrick)
I’m going to mention it because there is an actor in this movie that I kept mistaking for Wyatt Nash.
It really took till this scene for me to know for sure that I was seeing a different character when the guy in the blue shirt was onscreen. So, of course I’m thinking “will the real Wyatt Nash please stand up” when I see the name Slim.
My final thoughts on this one are that they basically took a single Hallmark film and divided it in two. If this had been condensed to a single film, then it still wouldn’t have been that good honestly, but it would have been an actual Hallmark movie. To give Karen Kingsbury the benefit of the doubt again, I have to imagine that her book didn’t divide the story with a seven year gap. I’m guessing there was more time to develop their relationship and flesh out Donna and Charlie that builds to all the connections that developed through the bookstore ultimately allowing them all to survive the literal and metaphorical storm. With obvious religious stuff that I’m sure is more pronounced in the book thrown in.
Long story short, don’t bother with either of these movies. There are far better films Hallmark has made. Even their usual average B-Movies are also often enjoyable on some level. Even if that is just the enjoyment of riffing on them and noticing goofs they make. Even the screenwriter of Hello, It’s Me told me on Twitter she was enjoying my reactions to the dialog she had written. People have a lot of fun doing live tweets of Hallmark movies and the cast and crew will sometimes hop onboard to have fun with the audience too. At the end of the day, these reviews are to give you my opinion on the film and to hopefully guide you to ones you’ll enjoy. Even if that’s just because I’ve talked about it enough that regardless of what I thought about it, you decide it sounds like something you might enjoy.
As always if they list them, here are the songs:
It seems to be a regular thing for me when I write these reviews to listen to a single song on an endless repeat. Might as well mention it as a little footnote for people. The song for this review was Holding Back the Years by Simply Red.
In retrospect, I probably should have been listening to Culture Club’s Do You Really Want To Hurt Me.
Last night, I gathered together with my three older sisters and I tried to make them watch Killing Mommy on Lifetime! They all abandoned me after thirty minutes but I stayed for the entire film.
Killing Mommy was the latest in a long line of Canadian-produced Lifetime thrillers. It tells the story of two twin sisters! Deb has dark hair, a tattoo, and a bad attitude. She’s a recovering drug addict and she divides her time between having anonymous sex and going to jail. Julianne has red hair and is about to graduate from college. She is always smiling and she’s always spending money!
When Deb and Julianne were younger, their father died when a car mysteriously fell on top of him. Now, their mom — who runs a charity of some sort — is on the verge of remarrying. Deb is upset. Julianne is supportive. Soon, someone with dark hair is attempting to kill mom. Is it Deb or is it just Julianne wearing a Deb wig?
What Worked, eh?
Killing Mommy was one of those films that got better the longer it lasted. During the first hour, I thought it was way too slow and awkwardly acted. But, during the second hour, the film got enjoyably weird and over-the-top. It’s as if, during the 2nd half of the movie, the filmmakers suddenly realized that they just had to stop pretending like the movie would ever make any sense. They decided to embrace the melodrama and good for them!
What Did Not Work, eh?
The second hour of Killing Mommy is a lot of fun but that first hour — oh my God. See, the main problem with having a great second hour is that you have to get through the first hour to reach it and, if you first hour moves too slowly or features some less than impressive acting, you’re increasing the chances that viewers will never make it to that second hour. The first hour of Killing Mommy was a real struggle to get through. If you look at my twitter timeline, you’ll see that I tweeted a hundred times more during the second hour than the first hour.
Some of the acting, especially during that first hour, left a lot to be desired. I think I may have compared some of the performances to the acting that you typically find in one of those “You got insurance? With your health problems?!” MetLife insurance commercials. However, I now think that some of what seemed like bad acting may have instead just been foreshadowing of the film’s 2nd hour twist.
Speaking of twists, there’s a flashback where a man working on a car yells at his daughter so much that she finally gets so annoyed that she lowers the car down on top of him. (That’s not really a spoiler because what happened is pretty obvious from the minute the car crushing is first mention, especially if you’ve ever seen a Lifetime movie before.) Anyway, I started giggling during that scene and I’m not sure if I was supposed to.
“OMG! Just like me!” Moments, for sure
Julianne has red hair and she loves to shop! How could I not relate to her?
On the other hand, Deb often wears black and has a sarcastic attitude. How could I not relate to her, as well?
Seriously, other than all the murders, this whole movie had me going, “Oh my God! Just like me!” over and over again.
