The Things You Find On Netflix: Paradox (dir by Michael Hurst)


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Poor Zoe Bell!

Zoe Bell is a kickass stuntwoman and a better than average actress.  Ever since she appeared in Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof, she’s had a strong cult following and there are people who will definitely watch any film in which she appears.  I like her because she always plays strong, independent women who can kick ass better than any man.

But — with the exception of Death Proof and Raze — it’s hard not to feel that her unique talents have been largely wasted in many of the movies in which she has appeared.  I have to admit that I even groaned a little when she showed up in The Hateful Eight, largely because I knew it would just be another pointless cameo where she would only be allowed a few minutes to talk about being from New Zealand before being killed in some dramatic fashion.

(Seriously, Quentin — we all know you love Zoe Bell so why not write her another worthwhile role, instead of just using her as your latest directorial trademark?  Write her a role and a film worthy of her!)

The latest film to waste Zoe Bell is Paradox, a sci-fi slasher film that you can currently find on Netflix.

Paradox is a time travel movie and I’m a little bit hesitant to talk too much about the plot because the plot sounds a lot more interesting than it actually is.  Gale (Zoe) and Jim (Adam Huss) are part of a team of scientists and engineers who have built a time machine in an underground bunker.  The mysterious Mr. Landau (Malik Yorba) has shown up to be given a demonstration of how the machine works.  (Meanwhile, the NSA is sitting outside the bunker, hoping to figure out what’s going on.  It turns out that they have a mole working on the inside and blah blah blah…)

Now, you would think that a time machine would be a pretty cool thing to have but it turns out that the machine has a few flaws.  First off, there’s the fact that the mere existence of the machine forces people to engage in ponderous dialogue about paradoxes, time loops, and whether or not the future is set in stone.  Secondly, the machine also gives anyone who uses it minor brain damage.  Third, after Jim uses the machine to jump forward an hour, he returns and announces that, in the future, everyone in the underground bunker has been murdered!

That’s right — there’s a killer among the scientists!  Who could it be!?  And could that killer possibly be working for the mysterious Stephen Devlin, a man who apparently used the time machine to become a billionaire in the future and who now has to make sure that the scientists in his past don’t destroy the machine in the present?  (My head hurts after typing that.)

It’s full of twists and turns and secrets.  But it really doesn’t matter because the execution is never as good as the premise.  Paradox is one of those films that should be great but instead, it ends up collapsing under the weight of a low budget, a bad script, terrible performances, and indifferent direction.  Zoe Bell is pretty much wasted, though she at least gets to do more here than she did in The Hateful Eight.

Paradox was given a brief and very limited theatrical run before coming over to Netflix.  In fact, if not for the fact that watching Hardcore Henry actually left me feeling physically ill, I would be tempted to declare Paradox to be the worst film of the year so far.

As I said, Paradox is on Netflix right now.  It’s one to avoid.

Insomnia File No. 18: Only The Strong (dir by Sheldon Lettich)


What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

Last night, if you were suffering from insomnia at one in the morning and you turned over to one of the Cinemax stations, you could have watched the 1993 film, Only The Strong.

Only The Strong is an example of a film genre that is a personal favorite of mine.  This is one of those films where a dedicated but unorthodox teacher returns to his old high school and saves a bunch of troubled teenagers by teaching them how to beat the crap out of each other.  (For another example, check out The Principal.)  It’s hard for me to explain why I always enjoy these films.  I’m always tempted to say it’s because there’s a part of me that would love to be a teacher but, honestly, that answer is way too easy.  Add to that, if I was a teacher, I doubt I’d be one of the “I’m going to teach you how to beat the crap out of each other” teachers that tend to show up in these films.  It seems like that would be a lot of effort.

In fact, now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever met a “I’m going to teach you how to beat the crap out of each other” type of teacher.  I get the feeling that these teachers might not actually exist.  Maybe that’s why I like these films. For someone, like me, who went to a very nice but somewhat boring high school in the suburbs, a film like Only The Strong is the ultimate fantasy of what high school was like.

Anyway, in Only The Strong, Mark Dacascos plays Louis Stevens.  Louis was a troubled teenager but, luckily, he took a sociology class taught by Mr. Kerrigan (Geoffrey Lewis).  Kerrigan taught Louis that there was something more to life than just selling drugs and getting into fights.  After he graduated, Louis joined the Green Berets and spent four years living in the jungles Brazil.  In Brazil, he learned capoeira, a type of martial art that combines dance, acrobatics, and kick boxing.  In fact, Louis got so good at capoeira that, when he is recalled to the states, a village wiseman gives him a special instrument, a musical bow called a berimbau.

Louis returns to his old high school and visits Mr. Kerrigan.  He discovers that Kerrigan has been beaten down by life and is no longer the inspiring teacher that he once was.  He also discovers that his ex-girlfriend, Dianna (Stacey Travis), is now a teacher and she’s dating another teacher, Hector Cervantes (John Fionte).  Hector assumes that Louis worked for the CIA in Brazil and accuses him of organizing death squads.

Annoyed by what has happened to his old high school, Louis starts to leave.  However, before walking out, he uses capoeira to beat up a Jamaican drug dealer.  Everyone is so impressed that Louis is soon working for the high school, teaching 12 of the school’s worst students both capoeira and self-discipline…

(To be honest, as I watched the movie last night, none of the 12 students really seemed to be that dangerous to me.  It was difficult to imagine the majority of them ever committing a felony, though I could visualize more than a few of them waiting in line at Starbucks.  Then I remembered that this movie was made in 1993 and perhaps it was easier to scare audiences back then.)

It doesn’t take long for Louis to start to make a difference.  In fact, it only takes a four-minute training montage.  Soon, those 12 students are being respectful and thinking about the future.  Donavon (Ryan Bollman) is even remixing capoeira music and acting so worshipful towards Louis that you just know that he’s going to end up getting killed towards the end of the film, in order to provide Louis with the proper motivation to go out and kick some ass.  Unfortunately, the local Brazilian drug lord is not happy about Louis’s influence (especially after Louis encourages the drug lord’s cousin to spend his weekend camping instead of stripping cars).  Needless to say, it all leads to a violent showdown.  It also all leads to one of those inspiring graduation ceremonies that always tend to pop up in movies like this.

Anyway, Only The Strong is one of those films that currently has a 0% rating at the Rotten Tomatoes but I thought it was kind of fun in its own stupid way. (It probably helps to be half-asleep when you watch it.)  Even if you don’t buy into the film’s argument that it could be used to save an inner city high school, capoeira is a lot of fun to watch and Mark Dacascos has an appealing smile, which serves to set him apart from a lot of the other actors that starred in actions films in the 1990s.  Only The Strong is silly but fun, making it a good film to watch at one in the morning.

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Previous Insomnia Files:

  1. Story of Mankind
  2. Stag
  3. Love Is A Gun
  4. Nina Takes A Lover
  5. Black Ice
  6. Frogs For Snakes
  7. Fair Game
  8. From The Hip
  9. Born Killers
  10. Eye For An Eye
  11. Summer Catch
  12. Beyond the Law
  13. Spring Broke
  14. Promise
  15. George Wallace
  16. Kill The Messenger
  17. The Suburbans

Film Review: The Purge: Election Year (dir by James DeMonaco)


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I had really high hopes for The Purge: Election Year.

While the first Purge film was definitely flawed, it still had an interesting and thought-provoking premise behind it.  What would we do, the film forced us to ask, if we could do anything we wanted to for one night out of the year?  Would you hide in your house or would you go out and randomly kill people?  Yes, The Purge had its flaws but it was an interesting film.

And then, in 2014, The Purge: Anarchy was released.  Anarchy was one of the best films of 2014 (a film that saw no shortage of great films).  It was a big, loud, and over-the-top masterpiece of the pulp imagination, one that managed to be as thought-provoking as the first film while also keeping audiences entertained.  It was a political movie, perhaps one of the most overtly political to be released over the past ten years.  And yet, it was also amazingly entertaining.  By further exploring the type of society that would come up with something like an annual Purge, Anarchy forced audiences to think even as it gave them reasons to cheer and hiss.  For many viewers, it also served as an introduction to a tough and grizzled actor named Frank Grillo.  In the role of the enigmatic but ultimately good-hearted Leo Barnes, Frank Grillo gave an outstanding performance.

Well, The Purge: Election Year continues its exploration of the culture behind the Purge.  And Frank Grillo is back as Leo.  It should be said that, just as he did in Anarchy, Grillo supplies Election Year with some of its best moments.  Much like Clint Eastwood, Grillo can communicate an entire backstory just be squinting his eyes.

But overall, Election Year is a disappointment.  As I watched it, I found myself wondering if maybe director James DeMonaco should have quit when he was ahead and ended the series with Anarchy.  Anarchy pushed the idea behind The Purge about as far as it could go and it is perhaps not surprising that Election Year often feels like a rehash that was constructed out of leftovers.

Election Year finds Leo working as head of security for U.S. Sen. Charlie Roan (Elizabeth Mitchell).  Charlie, who saw her family massacred during an earlier purge, is running for President on an anti-Purge platform and it appears that she’s about to overtake the candidate of the New Founding Fathers, the Rev. Edwidge Owens (Kyle Secor).  The New Founding Fathers decide that the best way to take care of Charlie would be to assassinate her on Purge Night.  They announce that, for the first time since the Purge began, government leaders will no longer be granted immunity.

In short, anyone can be killed!

Leo’s idea is for Charlie to stay inside during Purge Night but, if that happened, there wouldn’t be a movie.  Naturally, Leo and Charlie eventually end up on the streets and they get to witness a few surreal and violent moments, none of which have quite the impact of anything we previously saw in Anarchy.  They are given some assistance by a deli owner (Mykleti Williamson) and, naturally, they meet up with rebel leader Dante Bishop (Edwin Hodge).  Just like in the previous film, Leo is eventually forced to decide between purging and showing mercy.

And it’s really never that interesting.  The whole film just falls flat.  The first two Purge film worked because they convinced you that something like The Purge could actually happen.  When, at the end of Anarchy, Leo chose not to murder someone, it felt like a great moment because you truly believed that Leo could have gotten away with murder if he wanted to.  But Election Day is never convinces you that you’re watching anything more than a standard issue sequel.  With the exception of Frank Grillo and Kyle Secor (more about him in a moment), none of the actors are particularly memorable or believable.  In fact, Mykelti Williamson gives a performance that is almost amazingly bad.

I think a huge part of the problem is that the character of Charlie is never credible.  Elizabeth Mitchell is a good actress and has appeared in some of my favorite TV shows (she was Juliet on Lost, for instance) but you never believe that she’s a dynamic senator who is destined to save America from itself.  Every character in the film has at least one moment in which he or she is required to talk about how much they love Charlie.  The film spends so much time worshipping her that it apparently forgot to make her believable.

(It’s hard not to compare Election Year to Anarchy.  Anarchy advocated revolution.  Election Year argues that the system will eventually correct itself, going so far as to present the revolutionaries as almost being villains because they’re not properly deferential to a wealthy white liberal.)

However, I do have to say that Election Year is occasionally elevated by the thoroughly over-the-top performance of an actor named Kyle Secor.  It’s almost as if Secor alone understood that Election Year needed a jolt of pure adrenaline and, at the end of the film, he goes out of his way to provide it.  He bulges his eyes.  He shrieks out his lines.  His entire body shakes and it’s damn near brilliant.  He’s a lot of fun and his performance is probably the most entertaining thing about Election Year.

Undoubtedly, there will eventually be a sequel to Election Year.  Hopefully, it’ll be an improvement.

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Let’s Talk About Atomic Shark!


In case you missed it, it is currently Shark Week on the SyFy network.  (Or, as theSnarkalecs and I like to call it, Snark Week!)  Sharknado 4 will be premiering on Sunday and, in honor of that historic event, SyFy has devoted this week to broadcasting some of their trademark original movies.  Along with showing such classics as Jersey Shore Shark Attack and Zombie Shark,  SyFy is also premiering several new shark films.

The first of those films premiered last night.  And its name was ….

ATOMIC SHARK!!!!

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Seriously, that’s a great name!  In a few of my Lifetime reviews, I’ve pointed out that there is an art to picking the perfect title for a Lifetime film.  Well, the same is true for a SyFy film.  A title like Atomic Shark tells the audience everything that they need to know.  On the simplest level, it lets the viewers know that the film is about a shark and that the shark is, in some way, atomic.  But even beyond that, a title like Atomic Shark announces, “This is going to be a fun movie!  Sit back, relax, and don’t worry too much about the specifics.  Just enjoy yourself.”

As I watched the movie last night, I saw a few people on twitter worrying about things like whether or not a shark could actually become atomic or whether the characters were acting like logical human beings.  Those people were missing the entire point of the film.  Seriously, you have to be the world’s biggest douchebag to actually nitpick a film that has a title like Atomic Shark.

The film takes place on the San Diego shoreline.  At first, it seems like a normal (if rather overcast) day at the beach.  Men in speedos.  Women in bikinis.  Lifeguards on duty.  Jeff Fahey steering a motor boat and barely noticing when a water skier is suddenly devoured by a glowing shark.  A kid pretending to drown, just so he can get some mouth-to-mouth.

And then there’s the drones.  There are drones flying up and down this beach.  The majority of them are lifeguard drones, which are used to deliver life vests to people drowning out in the middle of the ocean.  However, there are also a few drones being controlled by pervy little Fletcher (David Faustino), who films unsuspecting swimmers and joggers and then uploads the video to his site.  Even when confronted by an indignant lifeguard, Fletcher responds, “The beach is public domain!”

Well, the beach may be public domain but it’s about the become … atomic domain!

That’s right, there’s a glowing shark out there and it’s hungry!  Not only is it eating people but, because it’s radioactive, it’s setting them on fire too!  In fact, this shark is so radioactive that it’s causing sea food to become explosive.  When the local restaurant blows up, the authorities blame it on a gas leak but we know it was because of the radioactive plankton.

(The film also lets us know that the restaurant had four stars on Yelp before the explosion and only three stars after.)

Unfortunately, only one person truly believes in the existence of atomic shark.  Gina (Rachele Brooke Smith) is the greatest lifeguard who ever lived but, unfortunately, her superior, Reese (Adam Ambruso), is a dumbass jerk who doesn’t understand that workplace sexual harassment is no longer acceptable.  Since Gina can’t get any support from the authorities, she gathers together her own group of shark hunters and, before you cay say, “We’re going to need a bigger boat,” they set out to destroy the atomic shark!

One of those shark hunters is the boat captain played by Jeff Fahey and I have to say that I was so happy when I realized that Fahey was in this movie.  Jeff Fahey is one of those immensely likable actors who can make almost any line of dialogue memorable.  Playing the Quint role here, Fahey is a lot of fun.  Also deserving a lot of credit is Rachele Brooke Smith, who kicks so much ass as the no-nonsense Gina that I found myself thinking that, in case Gal Gadot demands too much money to reprise her role, Smith could easily take over her role in any future Wonder Woman films.

As the film’s screenwriter, Griff Furst, pointed out on twitter, Atomic Shark is a comedy.  Taking it seriously is definitely the biggest mistake that a viewer could make.  This is a movie that was meant to be watched with a group of your loudest and snarkiest friends.  It’s a lot of fun.

(That said, just because it’s comedy, that doesn’t mean that anyone’s safe.  This is the rare shark film where you’re actually shocked when a few characters fail to escape the nuclear menace of atomic shark.)

Atomic Shark is a lot of fun and it was a great way to start Shark Snark Week on SyFy!

4 Shots From 4 Films (*Sigh*): Every Young Woman’s Battle (2014), The Creation Adventure Team: Six Short Days, One Big Adventure (2002), Let Me Die A Woman (1977), If Footmen Tire You What Will Horses Do? (1971)


There are so many movies/videos that I am sitting on. Some I have seen, and some I only know because I have seen a review of them, but I do have a copy of them. I thought I would share four of the real crazy ones. If nothing else, just in case I never get to them.

Every Young Woman's Battle (2014)

Every Young Woman’s Battle (2014)

I actually have a partial review of this written. It’s been sitting in the drafts section since April. The reason is that there is just so much crazy that the review is going to be really long. The video is a speech given by Shannon Ethridge to a small room of middle-aged Asian women and one guy basically telling them that your husband is not the one who is going to satisfy your “emotional needs.” That’s what Jesus is for in a marriage. So, it’s kind of like War Room (2015), but a whole lot crazier.

How crazy? First, she opens up the lecture by telling us she is passionate about sexual purity because she has AIDS. Visual AIDS! Then she shows pictures of her family. She goes on to tell us about the time she came to her husband and told him he wasn’t satisfying her “emotional needs.” I put them in quotes because she will make it clear she means sexual needs along with the emotional component. So, how does her husband respond to this? He says he could line up all the men in Dallas outside her door, but it wouldn’t be enough for her. That’s right. He offered to arrange a Debbie Does Dallas (1978) gang bang for her. That’s just one example of the crazy, and how this is really sad for Ethridge at the same time.

The Creation Adventure Team: Six Short Days, One Big Adventure (2002, dir. Cathy Henderson)

The Creation Adventure Team: Six Short Days, One Big Adventure (2002, dir. Cathy Henderson)

An apple on the end of an arrow gets shot into the nose of a dinosaur in the Garden of Eden. Do I need to say more? This is a video that was meant to teach creationism to kids, but actually winds up making everyone alive ashamed to be part of the human race regardless of what they believe. Oh, and it has a sequel where they explain the whole dinosaur situation in creationism.

Let Me Die A Woman (1977, dir. Doris Wishman)

Let Me Die A Woman (1977, dir. Doris Wishman)

In the transploitation mondo “documentary” Let Me Die A Woman (1977) they felt it was necessary that we see what happens when you have sex too soon after having bottom surgery. It’s very important that we see it, and can’t just be told. How else do you do this scene, but to have the trans woman have sex with a cab driver played by no less then Deep Throat (1972) pornographic superstar Harry Rheems. He says, “Thanks, lady,” which is immediately followed by her noticing blood on the sheets in between her legs before quickly grabbing the phone. It then cuts back to Rheems who seems happy about the situation before leaving the room. That shot above is from when he tells her “thanks”. We learn from the “doctor” of this movie right afterwards that what she had was “sex impatience”. Apparently, sometimes you just have to have Harry Rheems’ dick in you.

That’s not all this movie shows either. We have the graphic bottom surgery scenes, the dick chopping off scene, the maintaining your new vagina with a dildo-like object scene, and more!

If Footmen Tire You What Will Horses Do? (1971, dir Ron Ormond)

If Footmen Tire You What Will Horses Do? (1971, dir. Ron Ormond)

This is one I have only seen a review of, but I do have a copy of it. The film is basically a cross between a Christian and Communist scare film. This is from the end of the Communist part of the movie. At the end, there is just a little kid left. He won’t give up his belief in Jesus, so the Communist solider pulls out a machete, chops off his head, and throws it off into a field. That’s it right there. This from a director who survived a plane crash and decided to stop making exploitation films to make Christian scare films instead. As Brad Jones (The Cinema Snob) said: “He never really stopped making exploitation films. He just made sure to mention Jesus in all of the them.”

What’s great is that the first film and the last one here actually have a connection to each other. In If Footmen Tire You What Will Horses Do? (1971) there is a scene where Communists are apparently going to teach boys about the seven erotic zones of passion in every woman. Of course they cut away from that because that situation doesn’t exist. In Every Young Woman’s Battle, Ethridge says the devil perverted sexuality seven different ways or seven different times in the Bible. That’s where that 1970’s Christian scare film got that from.