Tag Archives: Film

Let’s Talk About 5 Headed Shark Attack (dir by Nico De Leon)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

From our friends at the Asylum, here comes a movie about … well, it’s right there in the title.

This is a movie about a 5-Headed Shark.  Now, I have to admit that, when this film premiered on SyFy last Sunday, my friends and I were a little confused as we watched.  While it was true that the shark had multiple heads, we only counted four heads.  That certainly made it superior to a mere 3-headed shark but still, we felt somewhat cheated.  We were promised five heads!

Well, we should never have doubted the Asylum.  Regardless of whether you get the Asylum’s sense of humor or not (and I happen to love it), this is a studio that always delivers exactly what it promises.  The title promised us five heads and eventually, that fifth head did pop up.  The reason why it took us a while to notice the fifth head was because it was actually on the back of the shark.  That’s right.  The shark had four heads in front and one head in back.  For those of us watching, that fifth head quickly became something of a folk hero.  We not only felt sorry for that head but we worried about whether it was getting enough to eat.  It seemed like the front four heads were gobbling up all the divers while the fifth head had to settle for scraps.

Myself, I’m just wondering what’s going to happen when the inevitable 7-headed Shark Attack is released?  Eventually, things are going to start to get a bit crowded on that shark.

Obviously, it takes a lot to feed a 5 Headed Shark.  Fortunately, the island of Puerto Rico is always full of scientists, tourists, and people who just felt like wearing a bikini for the day.  (Perhaps that’s why, along with a 5 headed shark, Puerto Rico also had to deal with a toxic shark this year.  And who knows what’s going to happen when the latest Sharknado hits?)  The 5 Headed Shark is constantly popping out of the ocean and eating anyone stupid or silly enough to get in the way.  It even manages to take out a helicopter.  It’s not an Asylum film unless at least one helicopter is blown up.

Some people, of course, aren’t happy about having a 5 headed shark eating everyone.  Two police officers — apparently, the only two in Puerto Rico — get on a boat and search the ocean for it.  And then there’s the staff of a nearby aquarium.  The head of the aquarium would love to add a 5 headed shark to the collection so, of course, he and a scientist and a group of interns set sail for adventure and carnage.  Helping them out is Red (Chris Bruno), who hunts all sorts of things and who just happens to have enough weapons lying around that he could probably invade a nearby island and set himself up as a dictator.  Red owns a boat but you know what?

HE’S GOING TO NEED A BIGGER BOAT!

Yes, that’s a Jaws reference.  5 Headed Shark Attack was full of them, as all Asylum shark movies are.  That’s one reason why these movies are so much fun to watch.  It’s a bit of a challenge, trying to catch all the references and shout outs.  Asylum films, like this one, are always wonderfully meta.  All of the characters in 5 Headed Shark Attack appear to be aware that they’re characters in a B-movie and they all accept their assigned roles and fate with proper enthusiasm.  It’s pure entertainment and, as a result, a lot of fun to watch.  It’s movie that encourages you to worry about nothing more than having a good time and maybe a few laughs.

In short, this is a movie that delivers exactly what it promises.  The movie says it’s going to give you a 5 Headed Shark and that’s what you get.

Let’s Talk About Toxic Shark (dir by Cole Sharpe)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh Hell yeah!

This past week has been Shark Week on SyFy!  On Sunday, SyFy is going to premiere the latest Sharknado movie.  As always, in the days before the latest chapter in the Sharknado saga, SyFy has been showing other shark-related films.  Of course, my friends and I have been watching and live-tweeting all of these films.  What makes the experience especially fun is that, often times, the filmmakers themselves will join in and tweet along with us.  It’s a wonderful reminder that watching an original movie on SyFy should always be a community experience.

Take Toxic Shark for instance…

Toxic Shark premiered on Thursday night and I had a blast watching it.  Need proof?  Check out my tweets.  But what made Toxic Shark especially fun was that I was watching it with my friends, a group of movie lovers who call themselves the Snarkalecs.  We’ve been watching movies on SyFy since …. well, since forever.  I joined them in 2011 but they were watching movies together before I even showed up.  Even better, members of the cast and crew, including producer Neil Elman and editor Don Money, joined in the live tweet.  Toxic Shark is an audience participation film.  This is a movie for people who want to have a good time with their snarkiest and funniest friends.  If you’re not talking back to the screen while watching Toxic Shark, you’re doing it wrong.

Toxic Shark is a film that, in many ways, centers around friendship.  Two groups of friends are looking forward to relaxing at a singles retreat in Puerto Rico.  Unfortunately, things don’t go quite as smoothly as you might hope.  For one thing, it turns out that the retreat is being run by Reese (Eric Etebari, giving a hilarious performance), who is one of those people who you dread meeting at the gym.  Along with that, local fisherman are disappearing.  One of the singles, Ryan (Owen Saxon), worries over whether his shirt is too tight or not tight enough.  (That might not sound like a big deal but he was quite concerned about it.)  Body parts are washing up on the beach.  Eden (Kabby Borders) is shocked to discover that her ex-boyfriend, Sam (Bryce Durfee), just happens to be at the retreat.  Something attacks Gabby (Cirstina Jayo) when she goes out into the ocean.  A yoga class get eaten.  It may not be as bad as Fyre Festival but still…

Oh, wait a minute.  I forgot to mention the biggest problem at the retreat.  There is this giant shark that keeps jumping out the ocean and eating people.  Seriously, that’ll ruin any vacation.  But it’s not just that the shark is really big and fast.  This shark has also become toxic!  It can not only bite you in half but it can spew toxic waste on you as well…

But that’s not all!  The bite of this shark also turns its victims into zombies!  Yes, you read that correctly.  Assuming you don’t accidentally get killed by Reese, there’s always the chance that the shark will eat you.  And, if the shark doesn’t get you, the zombies will…

I mean, seriously, how can you not love that?  Toxic Shark is a blast of pure chaotic fun, featuring beautiful beach scenery, hot people in swimsuits, and a kickass musical score.  Everyone appears to be having a ball, running from sharks and turning into zombies.  Kabby Borders and Bryce Durfee make for a likable couple (even when they’re arguing) and the rest of the cast strikes the perfect balance between horror and comedy.  I especially liked the performance of Owen Saxon as the somewhat dim but well-meaning Ryan.  There was something touching about how concerned he was about whether or not his shirt was too tight.

Toxic Shark was a lot of fun.  If you get a chance, be sure to catch it!

Just don’t let the shark catch you…

Film Review: Close Calls (dir by Richard Stringham)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, I was lucky enough to get a chance to see a new independent horror film called Close Calls.

When Close Calls begins, the first image that appears on the screen is of a VHS tape.  Even though it’s just a part of the logo for S & Drive Cinema, that VHS tape is exactly the right image to start this film off with.  Close Calls is a throwback to the horror films of the late 70s and the early 80s.  It’s a film that pays homage to the old slasher and haunted house films that, though they may not have had a huge budget, did have an abundance of atmosphere, shocks, and out-of-control plot twists.   I always love a good homage so, as soon as I saw that VHS tape, I was excited to see what would follow.

Teenager Morgan MacKenzie (Jordan Phipps) has her own very good reasons for being upset with the world in general.  She is still struggling to deal with the death of her mother, something that is not made any easier by the fact that her father, David (Kristof Waltermire), is now dating the bitchy Brynn (Carmen Patterson).  (Morgan describes Brynn as being a “steaming pile of bitch.”)  She lives in a really nice house but, due to her rebellious attitude and her casual drug use, her father has grounded her and refuses to trust her.  (When he hears Morgan swear, he snaps, “If I was to cuss at my dad the way that you do, he would have beat the shit out of me!”  That’s the kind of father that David is.)  Whenever David leaves the house, he takes Morgan’s phone with him.  Morgan is literally a prisoner in the house, with her only company being her rather strange grandmother (Janis Duley).  Grandma spend her time upstairs, occasionally ringing a bell to let Morgan know that she needs something.  

Close Calls takes place over one very eventful night in Morgan’s life.  As soon as her father abandons her so that he can go on a date with Brynn, odd things start to happen.  Grandma starts to act strange and, despite writing a reminder on her inner thigh, Morgan keeps forgetting to take her pills upstairs.  As a storm brews outside, Morgan hears a voice from the past, whispering to her.  Pictures in the house start to change, as once happy photographs are changed into images of grief and pain.  The landline phone rings and, every time that Morgan answers, she hears a voice making threats.  A friend drops by, insisting that Morgan try a new drug.  Even worse, a man named Barry (Greg Fallon) shows up at her front door.  He says that he works for Morgan’s father and he just wants to come in out of the rain.  He seems okay, until he smiles what may be the most evil smile ever.  Morgan may have a shoebox of cocaine hidden in her closet but that’s not going to be as much help as you might think.  It’s going to be a long, dangerous, and twist-filled night.  When I say twist-filled, I’m not being hyperbolic.  In the tradition of a 70s giallo, Close Calls is full of unexpected plot developments.  At first, Morgan may seem paranoid but, as the film progresses, it becomes obvious that she has good reason for that paranoia.

Close Calls definitely had an Italian horror feel to it, which is one of the reasons why I enjoyed it.  When the camera is stalking through the house, I was reminded of two Lamberto Bava films, A Blade In The Dark and Delirium.  (The house’s swimming pool even reminded me of the pool where so much of the action in Delirium took place.)  A few of the more surreal scenes were tinted and lit in a way that reminded me of the scenes of Jessica Harper exploring the dance school in Suspiria.  For that matter, the film’s final scenes reminded me of something from Lucio Fulci’s Beyond trilogy.  Much like those films, Close Call frequently feels as if it’s a filmed nightmare.  The atmosphere is dream-like and frequently surreal.  In the tradition of the best of Italian horror, the story is sometimes less important than the way it’s told.  As well, director Richard Stringham deserves a lot of credit for including a drug trip sequence that actually feels authentic.

(Also of note: Rocky Gray’s score.  It’s a throwback to the wonderfully creepy and ominous horror music of the 70s and 80s.  Goblin would be proud.)

For a film like this to work, you have to a sympathetic lead and Jordan Phipps gives a wonderfully empathetic performance as Morgan, making her a sympathetic character even when she’s snorting cocaine and talking about how much she hates having to take care of her grandmother.  Phipps commits the role, giving an intense and believable performance.  Janis Duley also does well as grandma, constantly making you wonder whether she’s just a senile old lady or if there’s something more sinister about her quirks.  Finally, Greg Fallon is appropriately sinister as Barry, keeping us off-balance as to what his true intentions are.

Close Calls is definitely a film for horror fans to keep an eye out for, especially horror fans who like a film that keeps you guessing.  If you get a chance to see it, take that chance.

Late Night Cable Review: Cinderella’s Hot Night (2017, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Posted on by Valerie Troutman

Ever wanted to watch Dean McKendrick and some of his usual late night cable actors try to spoof a Hallmark movie? I’m glad I have now.

You could take that title card, put in the title of a Hallmark movie, and not have to change anything else about it.

The movie starts off with narration from Christine Nguyen. She introduces us to the prince of Cratonia named Steven (Kyle Knies). Steven’s father is not happy about his son being a bachelor.

Sarah Hunter is his secretary named Samantha. She shows up to tell the audience that there is going to be some business dealings with an American company, so that he will have an excuse to meet Cinderella.

The movie wastes no time cutting to Cindy (Karlie Montana) who works at Universal Imports. She’s not having the best of days. At least she isn’t getting fired for wearing that top to work.

In fact, her boss Patrick (William F. Bryant) is concerned about her, and invites her into his Godfather office.

Why does he have that?

Also, I guess he didn’t live happily ever after with Kira Noir at the end of The Deadly Pickup (2016).

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

As you can read, she is getting kicked out of her apartment. Her boss does what any good boss would do to make sure an intern doesn’t lose their position by having to get a job. He gives her a spare room at his house.

Patrick could die tomorrow, and no one where he lives would care.

Then we meet his wife, Mona, played by Beverly Lynne.

That’s a face you can trust. She plays the wicked stepmother character.

They have a butler who has a name within the film, but I think his stage name will do just fine.

If I had to sum-up Regis’ character in this film, then it would be like the maî·tre d in Barbara Broadcast (1977). That guy has to be given a blow job by any waitress or costumer who drops dishes, a glass, or a vase–anything breakable. He doesn’t seem to get any pleasure from it. It’s part of the job for him. He really seems to just want to go about his business managing the restaurant.

Barbara Broadcast (1977, dir. Radley Metzger)

That’s Regis. With that in mind, it has been a whole five minutes of runtime.

By the time they shot this film, Lynne was 43 years-old. I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to see her get a scene. You don’t usually see that in one of these late night cable movies.

Immediately after they finish, Patrick shows up to tell us that his company will have some dealings with the prince.

What’s missing? We have Cinderella. We have the wicked stepmother. We have the father who sometimes is part of the Cinderella story. It’s the stepsisters we need.

Enter Grace (Blair Williams) and Sylvia (Penny Pax). This isn’t the Emma Marx from the first film. This is Penny Pax circa the sequels to The Submission Of Emma Marx (2013).

They’re exactly what you would expect–ditzy and entitled.

Patrick tells them Cindy is coming, and we move onto the next scene.

And that is all you need to see of the next scene. That is all there is to it. This is the only time they meet until much later. This quick, casual, and super-short scene.

Wait a second, this place was burned to the ground in Paranormal Sexperiments (2016).

Paranormal Sexperiments (2016, dir. Terrance Ryker)

Paranormal Sexperiments (2016, dir. Terrance Ryker)

I don’t like it when different films that use the same sets break continuity.

Patrick brings Cindy home. She gets the reception you would expect from the sisters.

Penny Pax, presumedly because she’s sick of her dress causing her to blend in with the bed…

grabs Regis, and drags him to another room. They must really expect privacy in this house because they never close the door.

It even appears to have confused one of the actors or crew members, because they get caught in this shot.

I was confused too. The movie was expecting me to get into this sex scene with those three pink dogs in the background? I couldn’t stop looking at them throughout this part.

The next morning, they make an immigration joke…

before Patrick tells us he is going to hop a plane to go see Steven on his native movie-set.

To quote Christine Nguyen, Cindy has been left in a “den of vipers.” I think Cindy is wondering about that statue behind her. I certainly was.

They make Cindy fetch a bottle of wine.

After arriving in Cratonia, Patrick and Samantha hit it off well. They have sex…

we see an Instagram photo…

and Patrick dies along with everyone onboard the plane.

Christine Nguyen tells us this via voiceover narration in a very nonchalant and upbeat way.

Oh, well. Goodbye, Patrick. We hardly knew you.

Anyways, Nguyen finally decides to show up as Cindy’s fairy godmother.

Cindy’s main problem is that she is lonely. With a little magic, Cindy’s fairy godmother is naked, and ready to pleasure Cindy.

That’s because even James Franco had his mind blown in Interior. Leather Bar. (2013) about the fact that he could be making a movie with pornographic sequences in it and the Disney film Oz the Great and Powerful (2013) at the same time.

It makes sense that these two would end up together. They already did this in a previous movie.

College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

I have two problems with this scene.

The first is that picture of a pineapple on the wall. The second is the tiara. It’s a little difficult to pay attention when you keep wondering how that is going to stay on.

Mona now visits a cameo appearance by Ryan Driller in order to find out that her husband was in a lot of debt, and she’s stuck with it. This part only exists so they can’t pay Regis to stay around, and can con Cindy into doing their bidding in exchange for continuing to stay with them. That’s how she is going to slip into the standard Cinderella role.

We also find out that Regis comes from Iowa and is probably going end up shoveling pig shit.

“Pig shit” must be the magic phrase though, because Grace decides to have sex with him before he leaves.

Now we can skip over some things because it’s the standard Cinderella stuff. The only thing you need to know is that Steven decides to hold a New Year’s Eve party in America.

Cindy has a shower scene so she can have a couple of flashbacks. One of the two flashbacks is to the only time Steven and her have been in a room together up to this point. It’s as if they felt they needed to remind you that they even know each other.

Moaning about not being able to go to the ball, a visit from The Fairy Godmother, and we are at the party.

I beg to differ. What about that tattoo on her arm?

Inside, you know the deal. Hi there, guy on the right.

She ends up running away from the party and The Fairy Godmother’s magic is faulty as usual. It leaves one of the shoes intact.

Steven wants her tracked down, and he’ll creep out Sarah Hunter if he has to in order to find her.

He arrives at what appears to be the entrance to a different house that was used in Bikini Model Mayhem (2015).

Bikini Model Mayhem (2015, dir. Jon Taylor)

Bikini Model Mayhem (2015, dir. Jon Taylor)

After you get over the red Buddha sitting next to a plant in the shape of hair on a troll doll, he has found her. They consummate the shoe fitting.

They live happily ever after.

Mona and her daughters are turned into “scullery maids.”

And I guess Regis went back to Iowa. He gets no closure in this film.

That was different from the usual. The acting is fine all-around. They really did take a generic Hallmark plot and add sex to it. I didn’t like seeing Penny Pax play this kind of character. However, if you haven’t seen her play Emma Marx, then I can’t see it bothering you. The sex stuff was fine even if they really should have taken some of the humorous things out of the room. I mean I liked them for the purposes of having fun with this movie. But if you are watching it for the sex, then I could see it being distracting, and taking you out of the moment. The plot is Cinderella. You know the story.

This one is about average.

Belatedly, here are the trailers for Thor: Ragnarok and Ready Player One!

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

I know, I know.  These two trailers dropped in July and I’m late in sharing them.  Trust me, I feel totally guilty.

Anyway, it’s been a good year for comic books movies so far.  Will that trend continue with Thor: Ragnarok?  Traditionally, of all the MCU films, it’s the Thor movies that always have the toughest time with the critics.  I’ll just say that, to me, Jeff Goldblum was born to play an intergalactic villain.

Plus, Tom Hiddleston!  Everyone loves Tom Hiddleston!

Thor: Ragnarok is coming out later this year.  We won’t get to see Steven Spielberg’s adaptation of Ready Player One until 2018 but we can watch this teaser!

Hopefully, after slipping a bit with The BFG, Spielberg will return to quality filmmaking with Ready Player One.

(It’s interesting to note that Spielberg does — in theory — have a film coming out this year.  It’s called The Papers and it was hastily put together to serve as both a historical drama and a rebuke to the Trump administration’s criticism of the press.  The Papers is currently in post-production and there’s some confusion as to whether it will be ready for a 2017 release and Oscar run.  To be honest, Ready Player One sounds like it’ll be more fun than The Papers.)

Here Are The Trailers for LBJ, Suburbicon, Rebel in the Rye, and 9-11!

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Here’s four trailer for four films, none of which I have high hopes for.

First off, we’ve got LBJ.  You’d probably expect that I, as a history nerd, would be excited about any presidential biopic and that usually would be the case.  However, LBJ was directed by Rob Reiner and this seems like exactly the type of project that is going to bring out all of his worst tendencies as a filmmaker.  I imagine this film will make Lincoln look subtle.  I also imagine it will get some good review from the “Let’s make every review about Trump” crowd.

LBJ has actually been around for a while.  It was mentioned as an Oscar contender last year.  Then festival and preview audiences were exposed to it and all that LBJ Oscar talk abruptly ended.  No one is mentioning it as an Oscar contender this year.

The good news about Suburbicon is that it was co-written by the Coen Brothers.  The bad news is that it was directed by George Clonoey, a great actor who just happens to be an absolutely lousy director.  Much like LBJ, this is another film that I hope will be good but I just fear the material will bring out all of Clooney’s worst instincts as a filmmaker.

That said, as an actor, Clooney had done some of his best work for the Coens.  (His self-mocking performance in Burn After Reading was absolutely brilliant.)  So, I’m hoping that I’ll be proven wrong and Suburbicon will be great.

Rebel in the Rye is a biopic of writer J.D. Salinger.  The advance word on this one is not good.  Not good at all.

And finally, here’s the trailer for 9-11, which I’m predicting will be one of the worst films of 2017.  Outspoken truther Charlie Sheen plays a man stuck in a elevator September 11th.  Apparently, this was directed by Martin Guigui, who also directed National Lampoon’s Cattle Call.  

Apparently, this will be the first Charlie Sheen film to actually make it into theaters since A Glimpse Into The Mind of Charlie Swan III.  It’ll be released on September 8th and hopefully, it won’t be as annoying as Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.

 

Here’s The Teaser for Mother!

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Here’s the teaser for Mother!  The full trailer drops on the 8th.

No one seems to be really sure what Mother! is about.  It appears to be a horror/thriller sort of thing but, with Darren Aronofsky directing, it’s safe to assume that there will be all sorts of layers of meaning.  Along with starring Jennifer Lawrence (who, after Joy and Passengers, could really use a movie that’s worthy of her talents), Mother! also features Javier Bardem, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Ed Harris.  Judging by how the majority of this teaser goes out of it’s way to portray Jennifer Lawrence as being isolated in a big house, I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that Bardem, Pfieffer, and Harris all plays figments of Lawrence’s imagination.

Who knows?  We’ll find out on September 15th!

Here’s The Trailer For Call Me By Your Name!

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Every year, a major Oscar contender emerges from the Sundance Film Festival.  This year, a lot of people think that contender is going to be Mudbound.  Personally, I think it’s going to be Call Me By Our Name.

Mudbound, after all, was bought by Netflix and, judging from what happened to Beasts of No Nation, the Academy is not quite ready to embrace the Netflix brand.

Call Me By Your Name, on the other hand, is a historic drama that not only won’t be streaming until after the award ceremony but which will probably feel especially timely today.  Add to that, Armie Hammer’s in it and every year, film bloggers like me a contractually obligated to announce, ‘This is the year that Armie Hammer gets an Oscar nomination!  It may not have happened for The Social Network!  It may not have happened for J. Edgar!   It definitely didn’t happen for The Lone Ranger or whatever movie he made last year!  It might not happen for Free Fire but this year is still going to be the year of the Hammer!”

Check out the trailer below:

Here’s The Trailer for Eli Roth’s Death Wish!

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

We all know that Chicago has one of the highest murder rates in the nation.  What is not so clear is what to do about it.

Now, some would argue that perhaps a good first step would be for Chicago voters to stop electing douchebags like Rahm Emanuel, reject the city’s political machine, and actually make the sacrifices necessary for actual reform while taking an honest look at the effects of systemic racism, police corruption, and the bloated municipal government.

You could do all that or you could just give Bruce Willis a gun and send him out on a murder spree.  Guess which solution Death Wish goes for?

This film, from Eli Roth, will be released on November 22nd.  I imagine our resident Charles Bronson experts, Gary Loggins and Jedadiah Leland, will have a lot to say about it.