Late Night Cable Review: Cinderella’s Hot Night (2017, dir. Dean McKendrick)


Ever wanted to watch Dean McKendrick and some of his usual late night cable actors try to spoof a Hallmark movie? I’m glad I have now.

You could take that title card, put in the title of a Hallmark movie, and not have to change anything else about it.

The movie starts off with narration from Christine Nguyen. She introduces us to the prince of Cratonia named Steven (Kyle Knies). Steven’s father is not happy about his son being a bachelor.

Sarah Hunter is his secretary named Samantha. She shows up to tell the audience that there is going to be some business dealings with an American company, so that he will have an excuse to meet Cinderella.

The movie wastes no time cutting to Cindy (Karlie Montana) who works at Universal Imports. She’s not having the best of days. At least she isn’t getting fired for wearing that top to work.

In fact, her boss Patrick (William F. Bryant) is concerned about her, and invites her into his Godfather office.

Why does he have that?

Also, I guess he didn’t live happily ever after with Kira Noir at the end of The Deadly Pickup (2016).

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

As you can read, she is getting kicked out of her apartment. Her boss does what any good boss would do to make sure an intern doesn’t lose their position by having to get a job. He gives her a spare room at his house.

Patrick could die tomorrow, and no one where he lives would care.

Then we meet his wife, Mona, played by Beverly Lynne.

That’s a face you can trust. She plays the wicked stepmother character.

They have a butler who has a name within the film, but I think his stage name will do just fine.

If I had to sum-up Regis’ character in this film, then it would be like the maî·tre d in Barbara Broadcast (1977). That guy has to be given a blow job by any waitress or costumer who drops dishes, a glass, or a vase–anything breakable. He doesn’t seem to get any pleasure from it. It’s part of the job for him. He really seems to just want to go about his business managing the restaurant.

Barbara Broadcast (1977, dir. Radley Metzger)

That’s Regis. With that in mind, it has been a whole five minutes of runtime.

By the time they shot this film, Lynne was 43 years-old. I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to see her get a scene. You don’t usually see that in one of these late night cable movies.

Immediately after they finish, Patrick shows up to tell us that his company will have some dealings with the prince.

What’s missing? We have Cinderella. We have the wicked stepmother. We have the father who sometimes is part of the Cinderella story. It’s the stepsisters we need.

Enter Grace (Blair Williams) and Sylvia (Penny Pax). This isn’t the Emma Marx from the first film. This is Penny Pax circa the sequels to The Submission Of Emma Marx (2013).

They’re exactly what you would expect–ditzy and entitled.

Patrick tells them Cindy is coming, and we move onto the next scene.

And that is all you need to see of the next scene. That is all there is to it. This is the only time they meet until much later. This quick, casual, and super-short scene.

Wait a second, this place was burned to the ground in Paranormal Sexperiments (2016).

Paranormal Sexperiments (2016, dir. Terrance Ryker)

Paranormal Sexperiments (2016, dir. Terrance Ryker)

I don’t like it when different films that use the same sets break continuity.

Patrick brings Cindy home. She gets the reception you would expect from the sisters.

Penny Pax, presumedly because she’s sick of her dress causing her to blend in with the bed…

grabs Regis, and drags him to another room. They must really expect privacy in this house because they never close the door.

It even appears to have confused one of the actors or crew members, because they get caught in this shot.

I was confused too. The movie was expecting me to get into this sex scene with those three pink dogs in the background? I couldn’t stop looking at them throughout this part.

The next morning, they make an immigration joke…

before Patrick tells us he is going to hop a plane to go see Steven on his native movie-set.

To quote Christine Nguyen, Cindy has been left in a “den of vipers.” I think Cindy is wondering about that statue behind her. I certainly was.

They make Cindy fetch a bottle of wine.

After arriving in Cratonia, Patrick and Samantha hit it off well. They have sex…

we see an Instagram photo…

and Patrick dies along with everyone onboard the plane.

Christine Nguyen tells us this via voiceover narration in a very nonchalant and upbeat way.

Oh, well. Goodbye, Patrick. We hardly knew you.

Anyways, Nguyen finally decides to show up as Cindy’s fairy godmother.

Cindy’s main problem is that she is lonely. With a little magic, Cindy’s fairy godmother is naked, and ready to pleasure Cindy.

That’s because even James Franco had his mind blown in Interior. Leather Bar. (2013) about the fact that he could be making a movie with pornographic sequences in it and the Disney film Oz the Great and Powerful (2013) at the same time.

It makes sense that these two would end up together. They already did this in a previous movie.

College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

I have two problems with this scene.

The first is that picture of a pineapple on the wall. The second is the tiara. It’s a little difficult to pay attention when you keep wondering how that is going to stay on.

Mona now visits a cameo appearance by Ryan Driller in order to find out that her husband was in a lot of debt, and she’s stuck with it. This part only exists so they can’t pay Regis to stay around, and can con Cindy into doing their bidding in exchange for continuing to stay with them. That’s how she is going to slip into the standard Cinderella role.

We also find out that Regis comes from Iowa and is probably going end up shoveling pig shit.

“Pig shit” must be the magic phrase though, because Grace decides to have sex with him before he leaves.

Now we can skip over some things because it’s the standard Cinderella stuff. The only thing you need to know is that Steven decides to hold a New Year’s Eve party in America.

Cindy has a shower scene so she can have a couple of flashbacks. One of the two flashbacks is to the only time Steven and her have been in a room together up to this point. It’s as if they felt they needed to remind you that they even know each other.

Moaning about not being able to go to the ball, a visit from The Fairy Godmother, and we are at the party.

I beg to differ. What about that tattoo on her arm?

Inside, you know the deal. Hi there, guy on the right.

She ends up running away from the party and The Fairy Godmother’s magic is faulty as usual. It leaves one of the shoes intact.

Steven wants her tracked down, and he’ll creep out Sarah Hunter if he has to in order to find her.

He arrives at what appears to be the entrance to a different house that was used in Bikini Model Mayhem (2015).

Bikini Model Mayhem (2015, dir. Jon Taylor)

Bikini Model Mayhem (2015, dir. Jon Taylor)

After you get over the red Buddha sitting next to a plant in the shape of hair on a troll doll, he has found her. They consummate the shoe fitting.

They live happily ever after.

Mona and her daughters are turned into “scullery maids.”

And I guess Regis went back to Iowa. He gets no closure in this film.

That was different from the usual. The acting is fine all-around. They really did take a generic Hallmark plot and add sex to it. I didn’t like seeing Penny Pax play this kind of character. However, if you haven’t seen her play Emma Marx, then I can’t see it bothering you. The sex stuff was fine even if they really should have taken some of the humorous things out of the room. I mean I liked them for the purposes of having fun with this movie. But if you are watching it for the sex, then I could see it being distracting, and taking you out of the moment. The plot is Cinderella. You know the story.

This one is about average.

Late Night Cable Movie Review: The Love Machine (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)


It’s been awhile since I wrote a review of a feature film. Let’s see if I can still get through one of these. How hard can it be? It’s a Dean McKendrick movie.

If you’re gonna watch this, then I hope you have seen McKendrick’s The Deadly Pickup (2016) and Model For Murder (2016) since this is basically a third film in what could be an unofficial trilogy.

The movie begins, and we see what looks like an amplifier with two voltage gauges, a pressure gauge stuck on top, and something that shoots a beam out of it, which I’m sure comes from another one of McKendrick’s films.

Much like this set, which is where Sarah Hunter’s character from Model For Murder was killed.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

In this film, Carter Cruise is playing Bair. She is in a session with psychologist, Dr. Stephanie Bradshaw (Jennifer Korbin). Bradshaw asks her what she does when she sees an attractive man. She wants to know what her first thoughts are. Those first thoughts are of stock footage from The Deadly Pickup.

The opening kill.

And Rick!

You remember Rick, right? He’s the guy who got pricked with her poisonousness ring, yet still managed to stumble from the car where they had sex…

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

so that he could die somewhere else.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Then he came back in Model For Murder as a photographer.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

There’s also a flashback to Charlie who had to be rescued from Cruise by Deputy Randall.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Don’t worry, Deputy Randall, who was promoted to detective in Model For Murder, makes a return in this film. Like Cruise, he is playing a different character. However, unlike Cruise, he is played by Billy Snow via the pseudonym of Alan Long. Makes sense to use the name of an actor from 1975’s Pick-up.

After the reused footage, the doctor turns up the dial on the machine, then asks her again what she wants to do with the attractive man.

Perfect! I can’t say the same about these opening credits though. This dance number with Erika Jordan goes on just short of forever.

It only exists so she can give a lap dance to one of our main characters, Don (Justin Berti), in order to introduce us to him.

It also gives me an excuse to wonder what led her from working as a detective to dancing at this club.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Also, Don has gone from managing models to sadly having to visit this strip club.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

After a shot of a street somewhere, we cut to the bedroom where Erika Jordan and Billy Snow had sex in Model For Murder.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

This is where we meet Don’s wife, Jane (Alice Haig). They are having trouble with their marriage. He wants to try couples therapy, but she is reluctant, so he leaves to sleep on the couch, which judging by the paint on the walls, is probably in the same building as the room from earlier.

Meanwhile, at the $20 Oil Change…

Don strikes up a conversation with his friend John (Michael Hopkins) concerning his marriage problems.

I know I said something similar when I talked about Model For Murder, but welcome back to the world of the living, Josh. You might remember Michael Hopkins as Carter Cruise’s first victim in The Deadly Pickup. Or you don’t, because you have a life, haven’t seen all three movies, and certainly haven’t paid this much attention to them.

We also get the return of Sheriff Bates…

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

except this time Michael Gaglio owns this $20 Oil Change.

And I got this humorous shot of Justin Berti.

It doesn’t have to do with anything. I just thought I’d share it with you.

John suggests a therapist that worked for him and his wife, Angie.

Then we get what looks like a new set.

Sure, it appears to have been decorated by the same people who did the police station in The Deadly Pickup, but I couldn’t find it anywhere else.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Inside, the doctor gets the story from Don and Jane about their troubles while they sit on the couch that Rick had sex on in Model For Murder.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Of course she’s an ideal candidate to be zapped by that machine. The questions ultimately lead the doctor to asking Jane about her sexual fantasies. This time we don’t get stock footage. It’s just another reused set. She dreams of sunbathing on the set of the sexual encounter with a murder victim her husband told police about in Model For Murder.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

And of course there’s a pool boy (Robbie Caroll). You may remember him as the police officer who arrested Katie Morgan at the beginning of Vixens From Venus (2016).

Vixens From Venus (2016, dir. Sal V. Miers)

Much like Jordan, his career seems to be on the downswing. He was once a police officer, and now he’s been reduced to being a pool boy.

This is the first sex scene of the movie. I would love to have heard the conversation on the other end of this that Jane was having with the doctor.

While this scene happens, we are treated to a few minutes of a soundalike of Take Five by The Dave Brubeck Quartet.

The session went well, and a follow-up appointment is set.

Now we get to find out what the outcome of these treatments is when we get to meet John’s wife, Angie (Pepper XO).

A call comes in from the therapist who tells Angie that “it’s time.” That means it’s time to have sex on Brian and Traci’s bed from The Deadly Pickup.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

It also means that it’s time for John to die from a corkscrew to the chest.

The next morning, Jane tells Don that she thinks the treatments are going well, and Don goes off to work to have the bad news broken to him about his friend being killed. But before Don receives the bad news, we get to see that the $20 Oil Change has an SBC payphone in 2016.

Gaglio breaks the news to Don, which leads the film to immediately cut to two people having sex on a leopard-print bed. I have no idea who they are.

She gets a call from the doctor, and he’s dead.

Now Jane meets Jeff (Billy Snow). If he looks worried here…

it’s because of who his wife is.

Jane goes in for another treatment. While she is under the control of the machine, the doctor forces herself upon Jane. No joke. They really could have left this scene out–no matter how short it is.

Don now breaks the news to Jane about John’s death so that we know the two of them have a reason to start being suspicious of the doctor. That’s not important though, because the scene that I was waiting for, finally happens.

Breezy finally gets her revenge on Deputy Randall. Does the rest of the film really matter now?

Okay, fine. Jane is lying in bed when she has a dream of Christine Nguyen doing a shower scene. I’m not kidding. They randomly inserted a shower scene by having Jane dream about one out of the blue for no apparent reason.

With the death of Billy Snow, Don is convinced things are fishy with the doctor, and he tries to talk Jane out of seeing her. It doesn’t work.

Then they have another shower scene. I have to give them some credit. They do end it with pertinent information to the plot. Jane remembers the doctor’s “Kill him” line.

Don does some intense research online about the doctor.

Long story short, something bad happened to her, so she’s taking revenge on other people.

Don now races to save his wife from this monster. Unfortunately, Don’s an idiot, and Jane zaps him with the machine, leading to a sex scene. However, since we are at the end of the film, when Jane pulls a gun to shoot him, he takes it away from her.

The doctor comes in, and I kind of love Don because he doesn’t hesitate for second. She pulls a knife, and he shoots her.

A quick shot at the machine, and Jane is free from its power. A couple lines of dialog are exchanged, then the movie abruptly ends.

So, that’s The Love Machine.

For the people watching for entertainment value, it doesn’t have much to offer other than getting to see Carter Cruise do in Billy Snow.

For people watching for the sex, it doesn’t have much either. There are a couple of sex scenes, and two shower scenes shoehorned into the movie. The one scene of girl-on-girl is kind of disturbing seeing as the doctor does sexually assault her. Then the movie adds confusion since that encounter is what appears to trigger her to have a dream about a woman taking a shower. Yet, it’s never followed up on.

I almost would have preferred the doctor to win in the end by taking Jane away with her. Sure, it would have been dark, but it would have been something memorable about this movie.

I can’t recommend this one.

Late Night Cable Movie Review: Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)


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I am not sure why McKendrick didn’t just make this a sequel to Deadly Pickup (2016). I can take a guess and say that he knows HBO likes to rotate up films from Cinemax, which could cause one of the two to be brought up there, and leave viewers confused. Still, it’s shot in the same area. It has Billy Snow basically playing the same character as Deputy Randall. Sarah Hunter is back. Jon Fleming who played Rick in Deadly Pickup is also back. Sal V. Miers himself even makes a small appearance in the film having been the producer of both this and Deadly Pickup. Also, it is once again a procedural to find a killer while injecting sex here and there into the story.

The movie starts off…and welcome back to the world of the living, Rick!

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Meanwhile, Sarah Hunter is standing in the background giving away the ending of the movie by looking very disapproving of this photo shoot. It’s not Rick’s fault the credits didn’t want to be placed over shots of the beach and birds flying this time around. That still doesn’t stop Hunter from getting a great look on her face.

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That’s the look someone who is into you gives when you basically ask them to leave so you can have sex with someone else.

After that is completed, we cut to…whoa, whoa, whoa…

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I’m pretty sure this is where you got killed by Carter Cruise in Deadly Pickup, Rick.

Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Hmmm…I would say that Sarah Hunter resurrected Rick, but she was also killed off in Deadly Pickup. This completely breaks the continuity of the Dean McKendrick movies since I am pretty sure Sarah Hunter was killed off in Erotic Vampires of Beverly Hills (2015) too. I guess when all else fails, just blame Frankie Dell for creating another one of his mystery concoctions that brought Hunter and Rick back to life between movies.

During the photo shoot, Rick uses the excuse that the lighting isn’t right anymore, so they will have to shoot down on the beach a little later. This does not sit well with the model named Audrey (August Ames) who is already jealous of the other model named Jocelyn (Christiana Cinn), and was just arguing with her own manager David (Justin Berti) about it.

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She proceeds to walk along the beach when it cuts to a seagull.

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We know what that means.

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Killed by a phallic shaped rock.

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That’s when our heroes show up on the scene.

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Deputy Randall got a promotion to Detective and has been partnered with Erika Jordan. They are legitimately good in this movie together. I could go for a series of movies where the two of them hunt down killers.

Considering this manager was arguing with Audrey next to a sign about “Conserving California’s Coastal Treasures”,…

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that means we need Detective Randall and Erika Jordan to uncover a sex scene with Audrey from his past.

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After the standard procedural scene of people standing around talking to each other, it’s time for Randall and Jordan to go check in with the producer–Sal V. Miers–about the body.

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This is when Jordan makes sure to mention information that a woman could have killed Audrey.

Now we cut to Sarah Hunter trying to drop less than subtle hints to Rick that she is in to him. Then Jocelyn comes in to make Sarah Hunter leave, and comfort Rick by sticking one of her heels high in the air.

Once that is over, the good acting brigade shows up to question Rick as Jocelyn sneaks out the back-way. Hunter tells them that Audrey knew some things about Jocelyn that could hurt her modeling career, such as being a stripper on the side.

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Now it’s off to the Mötley Crüe soundalike strip club so that Jocelyn can point suspicion back at the red herring of the shady manager from earlier. They also make sure to say that Detective Randall is having a bad break up with his wife. That way they have an excuse for a sex scene later.

Now our dynamic duo go and confront the sleazy manager at the house of the couple from Deadly Pickup.

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They acquired enough evidence between scenes to arrest him just in time for Sarah Hunter to take a shower. After that, Hunter and Rick agree to meet later on, before we cut to Detective Randall drinking when Erika Jordan comes in to see him.

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I’m amazed Detective Randall would want to return to the bar where he had to put down Carter Cruise.

Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

She takes him home since he is drunk, and they have sex. This one felt genuine like their characters had real feelings for each other. That was nice.

Now we go to Rick’s place where Sarah Hunter is in her best red dress. They have sex of course, but since Rick is suicidal, he essentially tries to kick her to the curb afterwards. Rick isn’t the brightest of people.

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Lucky for Rick, our detectives get a hit that Sarah Hunter’s DNA was on the rock. You’d think Hunter would get Rick in the end, but she didn’t count on Detective Randall.

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No one gets the final shot, but Detective Randall! Well, Erika Jordan gets in a shot too. I can’t think of any way to tie that in with Hunter playing Jade Empress in Bikini Avengers (2015). I’ve failed you.

Let’s wrap this up, Sal!

Detective Randall and Erika Jordan tell Sal the backstory on Hunter before getting a call for another case. Hunter was obsessive, which is what led her to become so attached to Rick that she killed to have him for herself.

“Pleasant dreams, my dear.”

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This isn’t one of the best of these late night cable movies floating around. However, if you have to choose between this and Deadly Pickup, then this is definitely the one to watch. Billy Snow, Erika Jordan, and Sarah Hunter are three of the best actors in this movie. They carry the film. Deadly Pickup is dragged down by Carter Cruise trying to play a ditz when it really doesn’t seem to be in her wheelhouse. It’s noteworthy that this movie contains no girl-on-girl sex scenes. I was surprised. They always seem to find some way of working that in. I’m glad they didn’t though because it wouldn’t have made sense in this film, and they really do try to have a coherent story. The flashback sex scene is the only thing that stood out at me as not being necessary. You also get to see Jon Fleming do some acting instead of just showing up as a walking dead meat puppet in Deadly Pickup.

Still, I am waiting for one of these crime late night cable movies to measure up to Carnal Wishes (2015). Deadly Pickup is at the bottom, Wicked Deeds (2016) is in the middle, and this is the closest so far that I have seen.

Late Night Cable Movie Review: The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)


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Yes, you read the title of the post correctly. No matter how much that title sounds like a Lifetime movie–it isn’t. I’m not sure how Dean McKendrick beat Doug Campbell to that title.

This time around we have one of those good old misleading posters.

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Death also gives top billing to an actor who is well-known, shows up for one sex scene, and then is killed off. Better than the cameo appearance from Amy Lindsay in Carnal Wishes (2015) that probably accounts for 80% of the views I have on that review. She had as much importance in that movie as Colonel Sanders did in The Phynx (1970).

The Phynx (1970, dir. Lee H. Katzin)

The Phynx (1970, dir. Lee H. Katzin)

That is to say, next to nothing.

That country road is also not to be found in the film. The car of course is impossible to be in this film considering it is a late night cable movie about a hitchhiker who kills her victims after having sex with them. There just isn’t enough room. You will also only see her hitchhike once in this film. However, she does pretty much look like that.

Anyways, the movie opens up with shots of the beach, including a seagull that is here to tell us Dean McKendrick also edited the film in addition to writing and directing it.

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Then we find out that Dean McKendrick and Sal V. Miers joined forces to bring us this movie.

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Does that mean we are going to get a genre spoof with progressive politics mixed together with sex? Not exactly.

Once the credits are done, our deadly pickup appears on the side of the road.

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That’s Breezy played by Carter Cruise. They call her that because the movie was written by Dean McKendrick.

She is picked up by Josh (Michael Hopkins). He is headed for the local state university. She plays along till they have killed enough time for a sex scene to happen.

Once the scene is complete, she sticks him with a poisonous ring, and he dies.

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She then makes a rather pitiful attempt to wipe the car of prints. That’s a little bit of the humor I would expect from Sal V. Miers since because it is softcore, there wouldn’t be the kind of DNA evidence you would expect from actual sex.

Now we meet a couple–Brian and Traci–who have a room for rent and are played by William F. Bryant and Kira Noir respectively.

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Maybe it’s just because I recently read someone else’s review of Clueless (1995), but I took one look at her, and thought: Porno Stacey Dash. It’s actually kind of clever what they do with her. She will only have sex with her husband, which in turn, foreshadows the ending of the movie. The instant they are done having an exposition conversation to setup the plot of the film, Breezy shows up at their door.

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Since none of the other actors are in need of a place to stay, they let her rent a room to help pay his college tuition while Traci works at a bar.

That’s when a cop shows up to discover the last sex scene.

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He is played by Billy Snow, and his character is Deputy Randall.

Next, Breezy decides to take the slowest shower ever. Seeing as Traci is working at the bar, Brian is left alone to stumble upon her in the shower, and seems to be enjoying it more than the audience.

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Traci gets home from work to find Brian very much in the mood for love. The plot will have to wait a bit.

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Now we cut to an office, or somebodies house, where we meet Sheriff Bates played by Michael Gaglio.

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You might recognize him from numerous films of this sort, but he has also appeared in and worked on other films such as Lifetime and SyFy movies. He even played Santa in the movie A Perfect Christmas List (2014).

He recognizes the M.O., and tells Randall to pull the file on a similar case in Nevada. He then sends him out to canvass the houses nearby where the incident occurred since there aren’t many in the area.

That’s plenty of plot for now, so Breezy discovers a guy named Rick (Jon Fleming) on the beach.

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Lucky for them, he has a van parked nearby so they won’t have to worry about the sand. This really makes me wonder. Does she seek out people who have cars large enough to have sex in? Does she let the ones who don’t, live? Doesn’t matter, once the scene is done, he gets pricked by the poisonous ring too.

Deputy Randall then shows up at Traci and Brian’s place. He talks to them about the situation. Then Breezy walks in, so he talks to her alone. As he is leaving, we get this shot of Carter Cruise looking devious.

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Now we cut to the bar where Traci works for that person who left a comment on my review of Bikini Model Mayhem (2016) that was disappointed they didn’t show the bartender more, and he didn’t have a sex scene.

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That’s Charlie, played by Cody Deal. This whole conversation exists so that Charlie can’t point out the obvious to Traci. That being, that if a murderer is on the loose and a random woman showed up to live at your house, that it’s a good idea to look into her a bit.

Then we cut to the police station where Deputy Randall gets a call that they found a dead body on the beach. What?!? We just saw him alive a few minutes ago in between the two scenes above.

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But seriously, he’s dead. I’m guessing something happened that I don’t recall, or they just decided they needed him killed off after some aborted plot they had in mind.

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In between, Sarah Hunter shows up to make her Sophia Loren in Operation Crossbow (1965) cameo appearance.

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Of course she ends up dead too. Breezy is an equal opportunity murderer. It’s a shame. I’m assuming since Sal V. Miers was involved in the production of this movie that after she broke out of prison in Bad Girls Behind Bars (2016), she lost her way, and wound up here to get murdered.

We’re getting down to the wire here as evidenced by Billy Snow’s intense look.

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Breezy and Randall have a conversation at the bar. Traci goes back home to snoop in Breezy’s room. Breezy goes with Deputy Randall back to the police station because she needs to accidentally knock over his coffee. That can mean only one thing.

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Since we need someone to stop Breezy, the sheriff shows up to interrupt her plans to murder him. The sheriff receives a call, and we find out Breezy’s real name is Brenda Johnson. She worked at her father’s factory that made rat poison.

Now Breezy catches Traci looking through her stuff, tries to seduce her, and is told she needs to be out by morning. Traci found some incriminating evidence, so she calls Deputy Randall. The call comes complete with flashbacks, and now Randall is out to catch Breezy.

But they save the best for last. Seriously, it’s like they were teasing the audience the whole time as to whether Charlie would have a scene. After they make good use of a pool table, Deputy Randall shows up to put a stop to the movie, so Breezy threatens to kill Charlie.

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It’s funny, but during this brief scene, Carter Cruise suddenly goes from she can’t act to save her life to I want to see her in something where she doesn’t play a murderous ditz. Deputy Randall takes the shot, and Billy Snow gets to deliver a line he was probably dying for the chance to say.

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Then we get what always feels weird when it happens in these movies–a happy ending I would expect from a mainstream TV Movie.

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They get $50,000 for turning in Breezy, it pays his college tuition, and they decide to have children.

In summary, we have a couple who is tempted to cheat on each other by a woman who moves in with them, and it ultimately brings them closer together by resisting her temptations.

It’s not the worst I’ve seen. I’ve seen far far worse, but I would recommend some of the other late night cable movies I’ve reviewed like Bikini Model Mayhem instead. This, like Wicked Deeds (2016), seems to have been made off the heels of the film noir Carnal Wishes, but it just doesn’t come together as well, nor is as interesting. Also, if you want to see Sarah Hunter in something decent that I’ve reviewed, then watch Bad Girls Behind Bars.

Late Night Cable Horror: College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)


Sylvester Stallone, Russ Meyer, Jill Clayburgh, Ron Jeremy, David Duchovny, Abel Ferrara, Frankie Cullen, Catherine Bell, Zalman King, Lloyd Kaufman, Roger Ebert, Ed Wood, Jacqui Holland, Andy Warhol, Jim Wynorski, and many others have worked in erotica, softcore, and/or hardcore. That’s all I have to say about the stupidity that happened today.

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Since this movie didn’t have the courtesy to start with a usable title card and I’m still refusing to resort to black boxes, I am beginning where the movie actually starts. We have a black screen and hear a woman say, “What the hell is wrong with you bitches?!” Then we cut to cheerleaders, such as that one played by Erika Jordan, beating up the “zombies”. I put zombies in quotations because they are about as much zombies as the zombies were in the Pierre Kirby movie Zombie vs. Ninja (1989). By that I mean people moving stiff as a board and that’s about it. You’d think they’d go for the obvious joke here, but they don’t.

Funny fact: According to the credits, Erika was the fight choreographer for this movie.

We are now taken back three days so the movie can introduce us to our main couple.

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For those of you who have seen Invisible Centerfolds, yes, that is Frankie Dell. Yes, he once again plays a scientist. And yes, that does mean this is a wacky Dean McKendrick movie like Invisible Centerfolds. Just thankfully they don’t dress Frankie Dell in such a way that he becomes porno Bill Nye. However, this is one where they have music that sure sounds similar to Santana’s Smooth. They don’t directly rip it off, but if you watch this, then you’ll hear what I’m talking about.

The setup here is that Jennings (Frankie Dell) isn’t getting laid at home by his wife any more. Being a scientist he decides that if men get Viagra, then surely he can come up with something similar to help out women. Of course he’s as bright as the guy in the first part of Pietro Germi’s The Birds, The Bees, and the Italians (1966). By that I mean he just leaves his friend with his wife to go to work not even thinking there might be something going on there. Of course there is.

There’s a documentary called Aroused (2013) where the director Deborah Anderson interviews numerous female porn stars. I don’t recommend it. It’s self-serving and the cinematography is headache inducing. However, an interesting piece of information slipped out from one of the ladies. She mentioned that people usually don’t realize that it’s actually harder on the guys. Of course that wasn’t on the agenda so it wasn’t followed up on. I mention it because several times in this movie you can see the guys go into a Buddhist-like meditation to keep going for the scene.

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Now we go to the lab and meet Jennings’ assistant Marilyn (Mary Carey). Apparently, they have brought in rats, monkeys, rabbits, raccoons, chipmunks, and beavers to test out this stuff on. There is actually a payoff later in the movie for them stopping to list those animals.

Mary decides to be a guinea pig herself and drinks the stuff even though there are apparently some early signs of a secondary effect. She pretends that it works and has sex with Jennings. Of course he does it in the name of science. By the way, here’s what I mean by a Buddhist-like trance state.

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That is not the face of a happy man. That’s the face of either a man who can’t go off at all or is desperately trying to work in a symbiotic relationship with it rather than a parasitic one. People may tell you myths about it, but that it has a mind of it’s own is not one of them. It doesn’t control you, but it sure does its own thing.

However, it’s not all fun and games. After Jennings leaves the room, that secondary effect kicks in, but only for a moment.

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She acts like she is partially possessed by a spirit. She bumps into a few things before regaining control. I love that one of the things she bumps into is a bottle of the very pain killer I take for fibromyalgia.

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Meanwhile, back at what I’m pretty sure was Atomic Hotel Erotica (2014), we meet two of the housewives. That’s Tracy (Karlie Montana) and Carrie (Christine Nguyen). Jennings convinces them to have a drink, which of course spikes with the experimental drug. Seeing as they have no reaction whatsoever, he figures Marilyn was lying to him.

After tennis so that the guy boning Jennings wife can rub it in how about much better his sex life is, we finally meet the “coeds” of the title.

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By that I mean cheerleaders who have apparently moved in next door. Guess it could be worse. Could be vampires who suddenly become your neighbors like in Erotic Vampires of Beverly Hills. Oh, and yes, they are terrible cheerleaders. And that’s coming from someone who suffered through the last two Bring It On movies without having seen any of the others. That is definitely Erika Jordan in the center. You can always tell it’s her. She’s the porn star who looks like she went back in time to 1915 and was branded by Sessue Hayakawa in The Cheat (1915). Course while he’s over there getting googly eyed at cheerleaders, Jennings’ formula kicks in.

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After they are done giving each other thorough cleanings and inspections for lumps, we cut back to the lab and Marilyn receives a call. I have to mention that they even bothered to put in a quick line here that Marilyn has no boyfriend. I can’t tell you how nice it is when any movie that prominently features sex provides a reason for it to occur. Even if it’s something wacky like a potion. He has the bad news that the stuff she drank does after awhile induce a trance-like state. This is going on as we crosscut to the couples playing tennis when…

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zombie housewives!

Then Erika leaves two of the other cheerleaders to go meet with their coach. Then as Bring It On: Quest For The Mighty Spirit Stick taught me, cheerleaders do need to limber up. Yeah, that is a weak excuse, but these movies often do try to have a reasonably equal mix of both girl-on-girl as well as guys with girls.

Some stuff happens now that doesn’t matter. But we do get this line from Jennings’ wife.

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Could be worse. Could be the potion that turns you into a gorilla Frankie Dell made in Invisible Centerfolds.

Then we get a call to Steve played by Mike Gaglio. By the way, among other things, Mike Gaglio is in the religious movie God’s Club (2015).

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He’s not having a good time over there. According to him he’s “got a roomful of killer zombie rabbits over here.

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I got squirrels going after raccoons. The rats have overtaken the commissary. I don’t even want to tell you what the monkeys are up to!” But he does comfort her that he has someone working on an antidote.

Back home, Frankie Dell has a short scene that once again reminds us that he really doesn’t belong in these movies. Frankie Cullen could make a career in these films if he wants to, but Frankie Dell should jump ship ASAP. He is just a comedian. Heck, one of his earliest roles was as a voice on Daria. He doesn’t belong here at all.

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Then we go to Andrew Espinoza Long who played G.W. Bushwhacker in Bikini Model Mayhem and plays Hank who is married to Carrie hanging out with the cheerleaders. This leads exactly where you think it does. I just wonder a bit of how the girl on the bottom is getting any fun out of the situation.

Now we get a little zombie action out of Marilyn.

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Then Carrie complains to Marilyn about her husband hanging out with those cheerleaders. Of course this means Carrie needs to give Marilyn her annual checkup.

After Carrie points out the obvious to Jennings that the cheerleaders are closer to his martial problems than any stupid formula, we finally have our stand down between the college coeds and zombie housewives.

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It’s kind of funny, but pretty stupid. I was much more interested in Mike Gaglio who shows up in the lab with the antidote. He’s been dealing with “killer zombie raccoons, and killer zombie squirrels.” I wanted to see that!

They do get the antidote to the girls in time and Jennings wife breaks up with him. You know, it is appropriate that I review these movies and Hallmark movies cause aside from, of all movies today, Carnal Wishes is the only one I remember that doesn’t have a super happy ending like Hallmark movies do. Even Jennings ends up with Judy (Erika Jordan) six months later after losing his wife. He is still up to his experimental hijinks too.

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This is not as good as Bikini Model Mayhem or Carnal Wishes. See those first, then come back for this. It’s Dean McKendrick in fine form. Also, Frankie Dell is a funny man. I strongly hope he starts showing up in other kinds of movies. It’s kind of sad that since he has done some of these films he most likely can’t make the jump to a Disney Channel show. He would make for a very humorous supporting character on one of those shows as a bumbling scientist at the kids’ school. Oh, well.

Late Night Cable Horror: Erotic Vampires of Beverly Hills (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)


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I’ve said it several times about him, but now I have found the female equivalent of Frankie Cullen. I watched and reviewed Bikini Model Mayhem, and while this isn’t as good a movie, Jacqui Holland still shows that she is too good for these movies. I’ve seen her in a few other things, but it’s these two films that show her acting ability. I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that she has numerous B-Movie horror films lined up. I’m obviously not the only one that has taken notice.

Anyways, let’s talk about Erotic Vampires of Beverly Hills.

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The movie opens up on what I would swear was stock footage from Roger Corman’s The Raven (1963). Inside the castle we meet Vlad (Daniel Hunter) and he’s brought a woman back to the castle so the movie can open up with a sex scene, but oh no!

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Guess that’s a vampire cum shot. Oh, and he bites her, thus turning her into a vampire. Stupid Vlad, he wasn’t supposed to be feeding on people anymore. I mean the show True Blood exists so that means they have synthetic blood in the kitchen. Morticia (Adriana Chechik) isn’t happy with him.

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Just as they are talking, Sarah Hunter playing Alexa bursts into the castle and kills the new vampire with holy water.

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Yes, yes, yes, I’m aware, so here it is.

Since Alexa is on their trail it means it’s off to their summer home in Beverly Hills.

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You know you have been watching some interesting movies when you look at that shot and remember the last time you saw it in a movie there was a pterodactyl flying nearby.

Now we meet Bob (Brandon Ruckdashel) and Jane (Jacqui Holland). Bob is a lawyer cause I guess those sets are cheaper than if he was a surgeon. Jane is a philanthropist of sorts. She’s upset that Bob has forgotten about her fundraising group for the next day. Her charity is The Society to Help the Itinerant Transients. Go ahead and say it, Bob.

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Cue Holland and one of her comical facial expressions.

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After Bob gets hit on by his secretary, we see Jane notice that some people are moving in nearby during the middle of the night. Of course it’s Vlad and Tish. Vlad puts his face in her crotch and is thankful this isn’t the 1970s. Tish jumps up and down on Vlad’s lap. Then they do what the movie Black Love (1971) taught me is called “dog fashion.” It’s important to get the technical terms correct here.

Bob comes home to find Jane is a little shaken up. I would find it a little odd too, but Bob raises some good points such as that burglars don’t normally turn on lights so everyone knows they are there. Then he tries to make up for missing their romantic dinner. And by that I mean he makes a face that looks really painful out of context.

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Not sure what Jane is doing down there, but I’m sure Bob is now free of all the lint in his belly button.

The next morning Bob’s secretary (Jazy Berlin) pays Jane a visit and it turns out the fundraiser was going to do well. I mean she got a band to play called The Winking Vaginas and everything. However, as soon as she sent out an email blast about it, people kind of bailed on her. Bob’s secretary sees the obvious problem.

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The girls go and snoop on the house a bit but find nothing of interest. Back at Bob’s office he and the secretary pretend they actually have anything to do with the plot before they do something…make faces…and who really cares. Back to Jane. After reminding Bob that there is nothing wrong with the actor down the street who jogs in the nude, Jane says that she is going to go over and introduce herself to the new neighbors.

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Jane quickly discovers something isn’t right when they don’t reflect in her compact, and makes a quick exit. She immediately goes to a bar. That way Alexa can show up to remind us she was once in this movie.

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She’s also there so she can stumble into Jane. The two of them talk and now Alexa knows where the vampires are and Jane knows she’s not crazy. Of course she goes home drunk.

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Hey Bob! You’re married to a human being, not Winnie the Pooh having a nightmare. The next day Jane and Alexa go an snoop around the vampire’s home. They even find empty coffins. Empty coffins can mean only one thing. It means the two of them go back to Jane’s place and have sex. I love how much trouble it appears that Holland has getting her awfully tight green dress off here.

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After the scene that’s there to remind us that most female porn stars have a no bare feet clause in their contract, we get Vlad and Tish discovering someone has been in their home. Then Vlad leaves to have a snack. Who really cares. It’s time for Jane to go and face down these vampires.

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One minute you are trying to stop a vampire with a cross, a vampire killer comes in equipped with weapons, but with a little magic you are suddenly in the middle of a threesome. Happens to the best of us. I like the part of this scene where it appears Holland is really trying to stay near the bottom of the frame as she moves into a different position so that she doesn’t completely obscure the camera.

The film now comes to an end by making sure we know that Jane and Bob are still together and that the seductive secretary is out of the picture. That’s because she’s a vampire now.

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Overall, this isn’t that good. McKendrick and Holland have done better. If you are looking for a better showcase of Jacqui Holland’s talents, then watch Bikini Model Mayhem. It’s a better film all the way around.

Val’s Movie Roundup #3: Late Night Cable Edition


I remember when Fifty Shades Of Grey (2015) came out and the outcry on Twitter. Even a woman I respect was ranting about it. It seemed ridiculous to me, but I hadn’t seen it yet so I reserved judgement. I saw it on June 23rd. It’s the kind of movie I would have watched during an elementary school sleepover thinking I was seeing something naughty when I actually had seen next to nothing. I distinctly remember watching Sirens (1993) with Hugh Grant one time. I also remember a guy at school thinking he was cool because he had seen Sleeping With The Enemy (1991).

By the time I got to middle school I had a TV in my room with cable. That meant I was introduced to the wonderful world of late night cable. Sometimes this meant cheesy sex comedies from the 80’s. Other times bad monster movies. I even managed to get in on the first episode of Sex And The City by accident and other shows like Perversions of Science. It also meant the occasional film that gave Cinemax it’s nickname Skinemax. Honestly, I never watched many of them. I only remember one called The Naked Detective (1996). However, I have fond memories of them being quite funny. The sex wasn’t interesting, but I would get laughs out of the material around the sex.

I also remember in the early 2000’s when Roger Ebert introduced a movie he and Richard Roeper were going to review. It was Secret Things (2002). A decent piece of French erotica. He said that most critics ignore movies like that and don’t like to admit to being aroused. He basically was saying that is a bunch of nonsense which was why they were going to talk about the film despite the content.

I recently started using the HBO, Showtime, and Cinemax apps. They stock a few of their late night movies in them. I thought I would take another look at them being 10-15 years older than when I was just a kid. I think Ebert is right. In fact, on a side note, they have the movie he wrote the screenplay for in the Cinemax After Dark section. That being Russ Meyer’s Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls (1970). Proof that being a great film critic, doesn’t necessarily mean you should be making them. I thought I would talk briefly about a couple of them that I watched recently.

There seem to be two main directors whose films populate these three apps. Dean McKendrick and Stormy Daniels. I am going to talk about three of McKendrick’s films and one of Daniels’ films.

Sexy Warriors

Sexy Warriors (2014) – This is quintessential Dean McKendrick. A B-Movie plot with loads of corny dialogue. These are the kind of late night movies I remember watching and laughing along with. This is similar, as with many of these films, to mainstream movies like Time Barbarians (1990) and Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (1991). Except instead of burly warriors from the past, we have Amazon women who happen to come from the “isle of Lesbos”. Of course they do. It begins with two of them trying to get to the Orb of Azoff. One of them knocks out the other and gets to the orb first. The orb sends her away to Los Angeles. Of course! But not just anywhere in Los Angeles. This time portal of sorts has it’s other end in the worst gym I have ever seen in a movie. You can see it in the picture above. That’s it. You think that’s just the locker room, but no. That’s the entire gym. The fact that they have actual conversations about the gym including that one of them doesn’t have the money to buy it is hilarious. Soon the other lady comes through the portal as well. There’s some sex. It’s the kind geared toward straight guys while trying to pick up lesbians as well with girl on girl. One thing I thought was interesting is that there is a guy in the movie played by an actor named Ted Newsom. It’s always interesting to look at the other credits for people in movies and late night cable movies are no exception. This guy acts in these types of films, but actually makes lots of documentaries about Old Hollywood. In particular, the history of horror films. Well, the two reconcile their differences and go home happy. This is a standard McKendrick film.

Lust In Space, AKA Naked In Space

Lust In Space (2015) AKA Naked In Space – This is an example of where McKendrick loses his way. The plot has something to do with people training to go and supply a space station, but there’s spies involved trying to do something nefarious. It just doesn’t work. McKendrick needs simple, and this ain’t it. Also, it’s all very recycled from his other films. In fact, there’s a shot of the moon in the credits that is exactly the same as he used in Lolita From Interstellar Space. Identical. There’s also a set that is reused from that movie. The sex is the same as usual. Like one of the porn stars in the documentary Aroused (2013) said, they’re not trying to catch smooth transitions. It’s from position A to B to C. The only thing that keeps this movie from being the worst McKendrick movie I’ve seen is that unlike Lolita From Interstellar Space, it does not have Anna Morna in it. I don’t expect great performances by any of the actors in these movies, but her’s was unbelievably awful. Her absence is a blessing, but you can still skip this one.

Invisible Centerfolds

Invisible Centerfolds (2015) – Ever thought The Invisible Man (1933) with Claude Rains or the many other invisible people movies needed girl on girl, then this is for you. Once again it has the familiar signature of Dean McKendrick, but this one is a wee bit zanier. Sure the invisible part means the standard humor that you would expect in comedy that has someone made invisible, but there’s more. The professor who creates the invisibility potion looks and is dressed like Bill Nye, The Science Guy. No joke. It took me a bit to realize it, but once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Also, at one point one of the girls drinks what she thinks is the invisibility potion, but it isn’t. It’s the turn a person into a gorilla potion. Why? Why not! Suddenly she’s a gorilla. Yep, that happens. Also, this movie kind of makes fun of it’s own genre by making the excuses to have sex so ludicrous that I think McKendrick was deliberately parodying himself. That isn’t beyond the scope these movies. The best one of these kind of movies I have seen called Emmanuelle Through Time: Emmanuelle’s Skin City (2011) is one long parody of it’s own genre and all the movies with Emmanuelle in the title. As for this movie, all I can say is, this one’s okay.

Immortal Love AKA Sex With A Vampire

Immortal Love (2012) AKA Sex With A Vampire – This is a Stormy Daniels film. Her movies are a different beast than a Dean McKendrick movie in almost every way. Both her and McKendrick borrow a familiar mainstream genre or plot, but that’s where the similarities end. First off, being a woman, these movies are clearly targeted for straight girls and straight girls only. No girl and girl whatsoever. As the title suggests, it’s Twilight. Of course it is. A girl is in danger, a vampire saves her, and the two form a kinship. Except instead of a bunch of annoying staring that Screen Junkies was able to piece together to make a nearly 30 minute video, these two actually do something about it. The sex is similar to McKendrick, but made less fun and more romantic. Neither comes across as particularly natural however. I have only encountered that in one of these movies that I have watched and I think my heart skipped a beat because I was so shocked to see sex with purpose and passion. Daniels also makes greater use of story than McKendrick. If you don’t just want a comedic clothesline on which sex scenes are hung, then Daniels is for you. She also does more interesting things cinematographically including the use of black and white in this one. I have only seen two of her movies, but this is the one to go with.