Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

And looooooove, won’t hurt anymore….

Episode 8.9 “The Last Heist/Starting Over/Watching the Master”

(Dir by Ted Lange, originally aired on November 10th, 1984)

Recent law school graduate Paula (Julia Duffy) boards the boat with the man who paid for her education, Uncle David (Patrick Macnee).  Paula thinks David is a businessman but, as David explains to her once they’ve reached their cabin, he’s actually a jewel thief.  Paula asks David to retire from stealing but David explains that he’s going to pull off one final big score by stealing a necklace owned by Martha Parker (Abby Dalton).  He’s even had a replica of the necklace made so that Martha will never notice that the real one has been stolen,

Needless to say, Paula has a lot on her mind when stockbroker Andy Brooks (Douglas Barr) first tries to hit on her.  But what if Andy isn’t a stockbroker?  Shortly after David steals the necklace, Andy shows up at his cabin.  Andy explains that he’s actually an insurance investigator and that David will be turned over to the authorities as soon as the ship docks in Los Angeles.  Oh no!

However, because Andy has fallen in love with Paula, he later tells them that he won’t turn David in as long as David both returns the necklace and retires from being a thief.  David agrees.  What David doesn’t realize is that Andy actually is just a stockbroker and the whole thing was a set-up engineered by Paula to get him to retire.

Meanwhile, Doc is excited because his new girlfriend, Gloria (Delta Burke), is going to be on the cruise. Unfortunately, Hal Winston (William Christopher) is also on the boat.  Hal is marrying one of Doc’s ex-wives and he’s on the cruise so he can observe Doc and learn to be more like him.  Doc gets annoyed.  Gloria falls in love with Hal.  “I guess I’m still paying alimony,” Doc says as he watches Hal and Gloria leave the boat together.

These first two stories were really charming.  I especially liked the story involving David, Andy, and Paula.  Patrick Macnee had just the right twinkle in his eye.  Julia Duffy and Douglas Barr had the type of carnal chemistry that was rarely seen on the G-rated Love Boat.  As for Doc’s story, it was funny in its dopey way.

Unfortunately, those two stories were overshadowed by the third story.  Beth Reed (Deborah Adair), an old friend of Judy’s, boards the cruise.  Beth is recently divorced.  When another passenger, Joe (Brodie Greer), starts to hit on her, Beth says she’s not interested.  At first, Joe thinks that it’s because he’s been coming on too strong and Judy assumes that Beth is struggling to adjust to being divorced.  However, Beth eventually explains that she got divorced because her husband could not handle the fact that she was raped by a stranger.  At first, Joe seems understanding but then he freaks out when Beth says that, when she returns to Los Angeles, she will be testifying against her rapist.  That’s going to be so embarrassing for you!, he says.  Joe goes on and on about how Beth shouldn’t testify.  In fact, Joe was so adamant that I was almost expecting it be revealed that Joe was the brother or a friend of the man who raped her.

Instead, it just turns out that Joe’s a jerk.  Beth says that she never wants to see Joe again and that’s really where this story should have ended.  Joe goes from coming on way too strong to basically ordering Beth not to testify against a rapist.  Joe should have been dumped and Beth should have left the boat alone but proud that she stood up for herself.  Instead, Joe offers up a half-assed apology and Beth not only takes him back but agrees to marry him.

NO!  Joe does not deserve to be taken back.  NO!  Do not marry the guy who, after knowing you for two days, tries to tell you how to live your life.  It seems like Beth is just going from one jerk to another and her friend Judy doesn’t do anything to stop her.

I have no doubt that there were good intentions behind this story.  But, seen today, the best thing you can say about the story is that it was tone deaf and insensitive.  Brodie Greer, who was likable as Baricza on CHiPs and on a previous episode of The Love Boat in which he appeared, gives a rather stiff performance, almost as if he himself couldn’t believe some of the lines that had been written for him.

Two of the stories were charming but they were both overshadowed by the third story and it brought the entire episode down.