Down Periscope (1996, directed by David S. Ward)


After being passed over twice as a result of both a “brushing incident” with a Russian submarine and an embarrassing tattoo, Lt. Commander Thomas Dodge (Kelsey Grammer, playing Dodge as being the laid back opposite of Frasier Crane) has finally been promoted and given his own submarine to command.  The catch is that the submarine is a rusty piece of junk from World War II and he’s been assigned a crew of misfits.  Captain Dodge is to take part in a war game.  Admiral Winslow (Rip Torn) wants Dodge to prove that even an out-of-commission submarine can be dangerous by infiltrating Charleston Harbor undetected and then blowing up a dummy warship in Norfolk Harbor.  If Dodge is successful, he’ll get a nuclear submarine to command.  If he fails, he’ll be assigned of desk job and probably leave the Navy.  While the sympathetic Winslow encourages Dodge to “think like a pirate,” the antagonistic Admiral Graham (Bruce Dern) pulls out all the stops to make sure Dodge fails.

I imagine that Down Periscope was probably pitched as Police Academy In The Navy and it follows the general rules of the Police Academy films, right down to casting Lauren Holly as the one woman on the submarine who has to overcome her own insecurities and prove herself to all the men.  Unfortunately, none of the misfits on the crew are as memorable as the cadets from Police Academy and the movie’s attempts to mix juvenile humor with suspenseful naval action are not at all successful.  Having Rob Schneider go totally over the top as Dodge’s second-in-command while having William H. Macy give a serious performance as the captain assigned to prevent Dodge from reaching the harbor indicates that Down Periscope has a definite identity problem.

Harry Dean Stanton plays Howard, who is the submarine’s chief engineer and who uses whiskey as a fuel to keep the submarine moving.  Toby Huss has a few amusing moments as the electrician who keeps electrocuting himself.  Grammer, Dern, and Macy have more than proven their talents in other projects and Rip Torn will always be remembered for bringing Artie to profane life on The Larry Sanders Show.  Director David Ward also directed Major League and wrote The Sting.  A lot of talent went into making Down Periscope so it’s a shame the film wasn’t more memorable.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.2 “Dancing Lady/The Final Round”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, Fantasy Island feels familiar.

Episode 6.2 “Dancing Lady/The Final Round”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on October 23rd, 1982)

It’s another dancing and boxing episode!

I have lost track of how many Fantasy Island stories have centered around either dancing or boxing but I know that they’ve been the subject of multiple episodes every season.  The fantasies always seem to play out the same as well.  A young boxer has a shot at the championship but taking one wrong blow could end their career or even their life.  And a woman with a boring job — usually, she’s a receptionist — wants to be the world’s greatest dancer but, in the end, discovers that love is the most important thing.  Usually, the familiarity of the stories is a part of Fantasy Island‘s charm but I have to admit that I spent this entire episode wondering if I had seen it before.  The fantasies felt so familiar that, ultimately, everyone just seemed to be going through the motions.

The dancer was Kristy Lee (Lynda Goodfriend), who was given a special powder that would give her the ability to be the world’s greatest dancer.  I know what you’re thinking and no, it was not cocaine.  Instead, it was dust that had been gathered from the world’s greatest theaters and which had magical powers only when used on Fantasy Island.  Using the dust, Kristy auditioned for a spot in a musical showcase starring Ray Tucker (Ken Berry), a down-on-his-luck dancer looking to make a comeback.  Unfortunately, Kristy was so good that Ray feared she would overshadow him.  Ray had to find his confidence and Kristy had to learn that she could dance beautifully even without the magic dust because, according to Roarke, the power of love is all one needs.  (That laughter you hear is coming from every dance teacher I’ve ever had.)  The highlight of this fantasy was Ray Bolger, playing a Broadway producer who happened to be an old friend of Roarke’s.  Bolger and Ricardo Montalban, two old show business pros, seemed to really enjoy working together.  As well, Bolger’s producer had a nice scene where he and Tattoo spoke in French to each other.  It was a fun little moment and, if nothing else, it indicated that both Roarke and Tattoo have lives outside of greeting people on Fantasy Island.

The boxing story featured Al Molinaro as Max, a trainer who wanted to train someone for an exhibition match against the world champion.  Max got his chance to train the enthusiastic Tommy Rudolph (William R. Moses) but, when Max’s ex-girlfriend (Rue McClanahan) warned him that one more concussion could possibly kill Tommy, Max had to make a decision.  Would he push Tommy to keep fighting or would he thrown in the towel after Tommy took a few shots to the head?  Max, of course, did the right thing.

As I said, it was all pretty predictable and familiar.  At least Tattoo got to have some fun.  Along with speaking French, he also got to put on a bookie outfit and then take bets on the outcome of the fight.  When Roarke told Tattoo to cancel all the bets, Tattoo replied that being a bookie was his fantasy!

Hey, it made me laugh,

Song of the Day: Super Snooper by The Oceans


I watched the classic Terence Hill film Super Fuzz last night.  As anyone who has seen the movie can tell you, the movie features a theme song that just won’t quit.  It’s been stuck in my head since last night.  And now, it can be stuck in yours!

There’s a man, do you see?
And he looks just like you and me
Didn’t he know?
Everything he got don’t show

There’s a cop, do you see?
And he looks like every cop on the street
You will discover
You can’t judge this cop by his cover

He’s a super snooper
Really super trooper
A wonder cop, a one like you never saw

He’s a super snooper
Really super trooper
A wonder cop, who roll the side of the law

There’s a stir on the floor
Super snooper open the door
Didn’t he know?
Everything he got don’t show

He’s a super snooper
Really super trooper
A wonder cop, a one like you never saw
He’s a super snooper
Really super trooper

He’s a super snooper
Really super trooper
A wonder cop, a one like you never saw
He’s a super snooper
Really super trooper

He’s a super snooper
Really super trooper
A wonder cop, a one like you never saw

He’s a super snooper
Really super trooper
A wonder cop who roll the side of the law

Songwriters: Angelo La Bionda / Carmelo La Bionda / Timothy Touchton

Guilty Pleasure No. 75: The Night Comes for Us (dir by Timo Tjahjanto)


Some of the most inventive action films have been coming out of Southeast Asia these past 20 or so years. It was led by the very entertaining and brutal actions films headlined by martial artist turned action star Tony Jaa from Thailand then followed up by Indonesian action star Iko Uwais from The Raid series by Welsh director Gareth Edwards.

In 2018, Netflix bought the distribution rights for an Indonesian action thriller from director Timo Tjahjanto that starred the aforementioned Iko Uwais, Joe Taslim, Julie Estelle and a who’s who of Indonesia’s acting scene. At first glance, The Night Comes for Us looked to cash-in o the popularity of Gareth Edwards’ The Raid series, but one would be both mistaken and remiss to think such a thing.

The Night Comes for Us looked at Edwards’ The Raid duology and thought to itself that the action wasn’t brutal and visceral enough so decided to rectify that missed opportunity. Timo Tjahjanto took what he learned from his past work on horror films and decided to add some of those visual storytelling techniques to an action film that one would either have a hard time to sit through while viewing or just gobble with up with glee.

Guilty pleasure doesn’t mean the film has to be cheaply made or seen as being bad it’s good type of thing. I always thought that its something that one enjoyed despite knowing that there’s many out there who would look at someone askance for enjoying such a low-brow affair. The Night Comes for Us is both visually stunning in its production yet still has that low-down, grungy feel to it that harkens back to the hey day of grindhouse films of the 70’s and early 80’s. The only thing missing from this film was film grain imperfections such as film scratches and flaws to give it that 42nd street, NYC movie theater circa 1970’s experience (stale, days old popcorn and sticky floors included).

This film has it all and it has it in such abundance that one might just forgive Timo Tjahjanto for overdoing things when it came to the brutal violence that in years past would’ve earned it the dreaded XXX thus endearing it to the grindhouse crowd. The film actually opens up and ends in one of the few calm and introspective scenes with everything else in-between just straight up violence both hand-to-hand and gun variety. The Night Comes for Us is the film version of that saying “it woke up and chose violence.”

Joe Taslim headlines the film and he gives such a visceral and unhinged performance that one would be forgiven for mistaking his character as the villain if seeing the film in the middle after missing the beginning. Iko Uwais usually plays the reluctant hero in his previous films, but gets to let loose in a more antagonist role that more than matches Taslim when the two finally square off each other. The other stand-out performance to highlight would be Julie Estelle as The Operator who can throw down just as extreme as the men and, in fact, her fight scenes are pretty much the most brutal in the whole film and that is saying a lot.

So yeah, The Night Comes for Us, go see it and be horrified and/or amazed in equal measure. I guarantee that even if you hate the experience you won’t say that it was ever boring or bland.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

  1. Half-Baked
  2. Save The Last Dance
  3. Every Rose Has Its Thorns
  4. The Jeremy Kyle Show
  5. Invasion USA
  6. The Golden Child
  7. Final Destination 2
  8. Paparazzi
  9. The Principal
  10. The Substitute
  11. Terror In The Family
  12. Pandorum
  13. Lambada
  14. Fear
  15. Cocktail
  16. Keep Off The Grass
  17. Girls, Girls, Girls
  18. Class
  19. Tart
  20. King Kong vs. Godzilla
  21. Hawk the Slayer
  22. Battle Beyond the Stars
  23. Meridian
  24. Walk of Shame
  25. From Justin To Kelly
  26. Project Greenlight
  27. Sex Decoy: Love Stings
  28. Swimfan
  29. On the Line
  30. Wolfen
  31. Hail Caesar!
  32. It’s So Cold In The D
  33. In the Mix
  34. Healed By Grace
  35. Valley of the Dolls
  36. The Legend of Billie Jean
  37. Death Wish
  38. Shipping Wars
  39. Ghost Whisperer
  40. Parking Wars
  41. The Dead Are After Me
  42. Harper’s Island
  43. The Resurrection of Gavin Stone
  44. Paranormal State
  45. Utopia
  46. Bar Rescue
  47. The Powers of Matthew Star
  48. Spiker
  49. Heavenly Bodies
  50. Maid in Manhattan
  51. Rage and Honor
  52. Saved By The Bell 3. 21 “No Hope With Dope”
  53. Happy Gilmore
  54. Solarbabies
  55. The Dawn of Correction
  56. Once You Understand
  57. The Voyeurs 
  58. Robot Jox
  59. Teen Wolf
  60. The Running Man
  61. Double Dragon
  62. Backtrack
  63. Julie and Jack
  64. Karate Warrior
  65. Invaders From Mars
  66. Cloverfield
  67. Aerobicide 
  68. Blood Harvest
  69. Shocking Dark
  70. Face The Truth
  71. Submerged
  72. The Canyons
  73. Days of Thunder
  74. Van Helsing

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Radley Metzger Edition


4 (or more) Shots From 4 (or more) Films is just what it says it is, 4 (or more) shots from 4 (or more) of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 (or more) Shots From 4 (or more) Films lets the visuals do the talking.

96 years ago today, Radley Metzger was born in New York, New York.  After serving as a photographer in the U.S. Air Force, Metzger went into film distribution.  He brought European “art” films to the United States and booked them in various grindhouse theaters.  Like so many film distributors and producers, Metzger eventually realized that he could make a lot more many by making his own films.  In the late 60s and the early 70s, Metzger was one of the pioneers of the adult film industry. He directed adult films that were distinguished by their strong sense of composition, intelligent storylines, and their sense of characterization.

Unfortunately, Metzger’s films were a bit too arty for the adult crowd and too explicit for the mainstream critics. Still, over the years, Metzger’s work has been rediscovered and appreciated by open-minded film lovers and by people like me who just happen to like artistically-minded decadence.

Today, we honor Radley Metzger with….

4 Shots From 4 Radley Metzger Films

Camille 2000 (1969, dir by Radley Metzger, DP: Ennio Guarnieri)

The Lickerish Quartet (1970, dir by Radley Metzger. DP: Hans Jura)

Score (1974, dir by Radley Metzger, DP: Frano Vodopivec)

Barbara Broadcast (1977, dir. Radley Metzger, DP: Chico Carter)

The Films of 2024: Reagan (dir by Sean McNamara)


In Reagan, Dennis Quaid stars at the 40th President of the United States.

Framed as a story being told by a former KGB agent (Jon Voight) who is attempting to make a younger politician understand why Russia lost the Cold War, Reagan starts with Reagan’s childhood, includes his time as an actor and as the anti-communist head of the SAG, and then gets into his political career.  Along the way, several familiar faces pop up.  Robert Davi plays a thuggish Russian leader.  Mena Suvari plays Reagan’s first wife while Penelope Ann Miller plays his second.  Xander Berekely plays George Schultz (who was just previously played by Sam Waterston in The Dropout miniseries.)  C. Thomas Howell, Kevin Dillon, Dan Lauria, and Lesley-Anne Down all have small but important roles.  And the usual suspects when it comes to conservative filmmaking — Nick Searcy, Kevin Sorbo, and Pat Boone — are there to compliment Voight and Davi.  I was a little surprised to see that Dean Cain was not present.

As usually happens to films that feature sympathetic Republicans, Reagan was slammed by critic but better-appreciated by the audience for which the film was made.  I wasn’t particularly surprised.  Movie critics tend to be liberal and Reagan is very much not that.  For a professional film critic, a film like Reagan must be met with snark and derision because otherwise, one would risk cancellation.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying that there aren’t things to criticize about Reagan the film.  I’m just saying that one should always keep in mind that critics have their own individual biases.  One reason why the Rotten Tomatoes score is such an unfortunate development is because it ignores the fact that most films have things that work and things that don’t work and that quality is often in the eye of the beholder.  Instead, it just tells us that a film is either a 90% or a 10%.

As for Reagan, it’s definitely a bit on the heavy-handed side but, then again, I think the same can be said for just about every political film that’s come out over the last few decades.  For those who claim Reagan is somehow more heavy-handed than most, I invite them to sit through Rob Reiner’s LBJ.  Indeed, the only director who has really shown a willingness to admit that a President can be both good and bad was Oliver Stone and when was the last time anyone watched Nixon?  Reagan is at its weakness when it tries to recreate Reagan’s time as an actor.  Dennis Quaid gives a good and charming performance throughout the film but he’s also 70 years old and, in the scenes where he plays the youngish Ronald Reagan, all of the soft-lighting and Vaseline on the lens ends up making him look like a wax figure.  Once Reagan gets older, Quaid is allowed to act his age and both he and the film become much more convincing.  I enjoyed the film once Reagan became President, though you should understand that I have biases of my own.  I’m a fan of low taxes and individual freedom, which is why I’m also not a fan of communism or, for that matter, any extreme ideology that attempts to tell people how to live or think.  “Tear down this wall!” Regan says while standing in front of the Berlin Wall and it’s a rousing moment, both in reality and on film.

In the end, Reagan is a film that will be best appreciated by people who already like Ronald Reagan.  Yes, the film is heavy-handed and the framing device is a bit awkward.  But Dennis Quaid’s heartfelt (and, towards the end, heartbreaking) performance carries the film.  The film is not at all subtle but you know what?  I’ve seen a countless number of mediocre films that have portrayed Reagan negatively, often with as little nuance and just as heavy-handed an approach as Reagan uses in its positive portrayal of the man.  I sat through The Butler, for God’s sake.  There’s nothing wrong with having a film that looks at the man from the other side.  Those who like Ronald Reagan will feel vindicated.  Those who don’t will say, “What was up with that Pat Boone scene?”

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.5 “Death Watch”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, someone dies!  OH MY GOD!

Episode 3.5 “Death Watch”

(Dir by Barry Crane, originally aired on October 13th, 1979)

Dennis (Christopher Stone) is a veteran movie stunt driver who has never gotten over the tragic death of his child and the way he was treated by a heartless insurance company.  He now drives up and down the freeway, looking for drivers who look like they have good insurance.  Using his stunt skills, he causes accidents and then, under one of many assumed names, he files an insurance claim.  Dennis’s wife (played by Dee Wallace, who was married to Stone at the time) thinks that Dennis is taking things too far but Dennis is convinced that he’s earned the right to commit insurance fraud.  As he puts it, the companies have enough money that it’s not going to hurt them if he steals some of it.

Unfortunately, his latest attempt to cause an accident results in a delivery van swerving to the side of the road and striking two policemen who have pulled over a drunk driver.  One of the policeman is series regular Bear (played by Brodie Greer).  The other is a guy named Steve (Stephen Parr) who we’ve never seen before but who is quickly established as being everyone’s best friend.  Or, I guess, he was everyone’s best friend as he dies shortly after being taken to the hospital.  I have to admit that Steve dying was a bit jarring.  It’s rare that anyone on CHiPs is seriously injured, much less killed.

The highway patrol officers are shaken by Steve’s death.  Ponch and Baker go to the station’s gym and work off their frustration.  Jon lifts weights.  Ponch takes off his shirt and starts hitting a punching bag and, despite the tragedy of the situation, it was hard not to laugh at the show using it as an excuse for Erik Estrada to once again take off his shirt.

The members of the highway patrol attend Steve’s funeral.  It’s pretty somber until Bear rolls into the church in his wheelchair and everyone breaks out into a huge smile.  They’re happy that Bear survived but I do have to wonder how Steve’s family felt when they saw all those smiles and heard the officers joking amongst themselves.  I guess they should have been happy that Ponch actually wore pants and a shirt to the funeral as opposed to showing up in a speedo.  Seriously, if anyone would do that, it would be Ponch.

All of the bad drivers are brought to justice.  The driver of the delivery van loses his job.  Dennis goes to prison.  By the end of the episode, everyone’s in a good mood again.  Rest in peace, Steve!

This episode deserves some credit for trying to deal with a serious issue.  Death is a big deal.  Unfortunately, CHiPs really isn’t the best format for heart-rendering drama.  Even after Steve was killed, the show still teased the audience with the promise of another crash.  In the end, the main message seemed to be that it was better to lose Steve than Bear …. or, God forbid, Ponch!