Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1974’s Roll, Freddy, Roll! It can be viewed on YouTube!
Poor Freddy Menlo!
Played by Tim Conway, Freddy is a well-meaning guy who gets absolutely zero respect from the rest of the world. He works as a computer programmer but his boss (Henry Jones) doesn’t think much of him and an attempt to score a contract with the U.S. Navy falls through when Admiral Norton (Scott Brady) announces that he doesn’t think much of computers. Meanwhile, his ex-wife (Ruta Lee) has fallen in love with and married “Big Sid” Kane (Jan Murray). Big Sid is a millionaire who made his fortune selling used cars. Big Sid is seen every day on television. And, due to catching the biggest bluefish tuna on record while on his honeymoon, Big Sid Kane is now in the Guinness Book of the World Records.
A lesser engineer would crack under the pressure and go on a rampage through Los Angeles, Falling Down-style. But Freddy just wants to be a good father. He just wants his son, Tommy (Moosie Drier), to look up to him the way that he now looks up to Big Sid. Freddy takes Tommy to a roller skating rink and awkwardly skates around while Tommy talks about how much he enjoys going to Big Sid’s car lot. When it’s time to leave the rink, Freddy is informed that his shoes have been lost. An angry Freddy refuses to return the rink’s skates until he gets back his shoes. Freddy then takes Tommy down to Big Sid’s used car lot, where Big Sid has invited other people to come and try to set world records of their own. A local news reporter sees that Freddy is on roller skates and announces that Freddy is seeking to set the world record for the most time spent rolling around! Finally, Freddy has found a way to impress his son!
Excuse me while I catch my breath. That was a lot of plot to cram into just two paragraphs.
Roll, Freddy, Roll is not a particularly complicated movie. For the most part, it exists solely so that Tim Conway can do some mild physical comedy while trying to balance himself on roller skates. It only has a 73-minute run time and it basically feels like an extended episode of an old sitcom. With all that in mind, it still seems like it takes forever to actually get Freddy into those roller skates and once he does put them on, the movie keeps up coming with implausible excuses to keep him from taking them off until he finally decides to go for the world record. The story would have been stronger if Freddy has been the one to look at his feet and say, “I’m going to set a world record,” as opposed to him just being bullied into it by a news reporter. Tim Conway’s likable but there’s only so many times you can watch someone fall on roller skates before the joke starts to wear thin.
It would not surprise me if Roll, Freddy, Roll was meant to be a pilot for a sitcom. It’s easy to imagine Tim Conway trying to impress his son and win back his wife by doing something stupid on a weekly basis. As far as I know, Roll, Freddy, Roll did not lead to a television series and that’s probably a good thing. Freddy had a hard enough time just rolling around Los Angeles for two days! Who knows what would have happened if he had tried to do it on a weekly basis!?
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, Sly breaks hearts and hurts feelings! And maybe he learns a lesson.
Episode 4.7 “Secret Admirer”
(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 4th, 1995)
This episode opens in Pacific Coast High’s state-of-the-art computer lab!
After accidentally deleting a love poem that Mark has spent weeks working on, Sly spots a student named Lynn awkwardly asking people to come to her sweet sixteen party. Realizing that Lynn comes from a wealthy family, Sly decides that the Dreams have to play that party! The only problem is that Sly has known Lynn since kindergarten and he’s spent that entire time making fun of her weight. Lynn cannot stand Sly.
Can you feel the hatred?
Sly, having learned nothing from being put on trial last week, steals one of Mark’s love poems and slips it into Lynn’s locker. “Wow, a secret admirer,” Lynn says. Then Sly pops up and starts trying to flirt with her. At first, Lynn refuses to believe that Sly is being serious but, slowly, he wins her over. And what happens here is kind of interesting. As Sly eventually figures out, it’s not that Lynn believes him as much as she wants to believe him because she has absolutely no self-esteem. Even after Lynn hires the Dreams and pays them $2,000, Sly still feels guilty. He feels so guilty that he gives up the money.
This was not the first Peter Engel-produced show to figure its lead character going out with a someone who weighed a bit more than Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. Saved By The Bell actually used that plot a few times. On Saved By The Bell, Zack got sold in a date auction to a girl who wasn’t his type and the audience screamed in shock. But this episode of California Dreams is different from Saved By The Bell in that it is more on the side of the girl than on the guy pretending to like her. Sly does a terrible thing and, when he realizes it, Michael Cade does such a good job of playing Sly’s guilt that the viewer really does feel like Sly is probably never going to forgive himself.
That’s a good thing. That said, this still isn’t a particularly strong episode. The actress playing Lynn delivers all of her lines in the same flat manner and there’s a rather annoying B-plot about everyone thinking that Mark’s love poem was written for them. (That’s another plot that was used and reused on Saved By The Bell.) Sly learned a lesson about making fun of people but I doubt it will last….
Episode 4.8 “Old”
(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 11th, 1995)
Sly makes fun of a bunch old people and then has a dream where he’s old and all the members of the band make fun of him! He then wakes up and visits an old man in the hospital. So, basically, Sly learned the same lesson that he should have learned in the last episode and in the episode before that. Some people just don’t ever learn!
That said, by the time this episode aired, Michael Cade had really grown as an actor and he’s convincing as both an old man and an obnoxious teenager.
Next week, in another story borrowed from Saved By The Bell, Tony gets an operation! The fun never ends when you’re surrounded by surf dudes with attitude and feeling mellow.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Brady Bunch Hour, which ran on ABC from 1976 to 1977. All nine episodes can be found on YouTube!
This week, the Brady Bunch celebrates disco! This, by the way, was the very first episode of The Brady Bunch Hour that I ever came across on YouTube. It was such a bizarre 70s time capsule that I knew that, someday, I would have to watch and review every episode of the series.
So, let’s get to it!
Episode 1.8
(Dir by Jack Regas, originally aired on April 25th, 1977)
As always, things begin with the Kroftettes doing a kickline before diving into the pool. The announcer introduces the members of the Brady Bunch and tells us that tonight’s guest stars include Rip Taylor, Ann B. Davis, The What’s Happening Kids, and Rick Dees.
The Bradys come out and sing Get Ready, a song that was only 11 years old when it showed up on this show. (That’s definitely an improvement on the songs from the 1920s that the Bradys were originally singing on the show.) It must be said that the Bradys actually perform the song with some energy. None of them appear to be able to carry a consistent tune but at least they’re trying to come across as if they’re excited to be there. That said, it’s also hard not to notice that both Robert Reed and Florence Henderson have a distracting habit of looking straight at the camera while performing and the Brady kids all tend to look down at their feet whenever they have to dance.
Greg gets a solo in the song while Carol gets to chant, “That’s right.” From what I’ve read about the series, Florence Henderson apparently signed onto the show specifically because she thought it would lead to her becoming a Barbra Streisand-style star and it must be said that she delivers “That’s right,” with so much intensity that she sometimes seems as if she’s about to attack the cameraman. Indeed, all of the Bradys have so much energy that the performance comes across as almost desperate. It’s like when you’re appearing in a play and the first act doesn’t go well so, at the start of the second act, everyone starts enunciating a little more harshly and barking out their lines in attempt to get the energy flowing again. It’s not necessarily a bad thing but you still get the feeling that someone backstage told the Bradys to step it up or face cancellation.
Following some Kroftette water ballet, we get the usual bit of Brady banter. Carol enthusiastically welcomes “America” and tells us to “get ready because here we come!”
Mike adds, “Welcome back to another Brady Bunch Hour!” but it’s hard not to notice that Mike is so out-of-breath following that performance that it appears he might faint at any moment.
“60 minutes of songs and swimming with America’s wettest family,” Greg says with a big smile that suggests he knows exactly what he’s saying.
The family explains that the Kroftettes both sing and swim. Mike says that he didn’t realize that the swimmers and the dancers were the same people. The Kroftettes are in the pool so we don’t get to see how they react to all of this. I’d like to think that they all held up their middle fingers in solidarity. Power to the dancers!
“I never met a music cue I didn’t like!” Carol announces and the family starts dancing again as Mike struggles to catch his breath.
We then cut to an absolutely terrifying image. Carol is wearing baggy pats, carrying a cane, and there’s a jaunty hat on her head. She sings Walk Right In and is eventually joined by the other Bradys, who are all dressed in the same style. They do an elaborate, vaudeville-style dance to Walk Right In, a song that was originally recorded in 1929.
After the performance finally wraps up, Carol tells Mike that she found her old high school yearbook. Mike, who is once again visibly out-of-breath, tries to feign interest. (Carol shows him a picture of her as a cheerleader. “I recognize those pom poms!” Mike replies, in a tone that suggests that the joke may have gone straight over Robert Reed’s head.) Carol wonders if their kids enjoy school as much as they did. Mike mentions that Peter, Jan, Bobby, and Cindy have it tough because they have to go to school on the set.
We then cut to Peter, Jan, Bobby, and Cindy, all sitting in a classroom and looking bored. Jan says she’s sick of school and considering that Rip Taylor is their substitute teacher, who can blame her? (Actually, considering that Rip says he’s going to teach them movie trivia, it seems like he might be the coolest teacher ever!) Suddenly, the kids from What’s Happening!!! come into the classroom and explain that they’re now in the class. Then, Patty Maloney, an actress with dwarfism, comes into the classroom, pursued by a police officer who assumes that Patty is a student despite the fact that Patty was nearly 40 when she appeared on this show. Cindy explains to the officer that Patty is an actress and not a Brady.
We then cut to Greg, who happily explains that he’s not singing this week. The audience applauds. Greg jokes that he’s not going to get mad because he’s excited about introducing one of his favorite people. The audience applauds. “Will you shut up!?” Greg snaps and, to his credit, Barry Williams actually wrings some laughs out of Greg’s growing frustration. Finally, Greg introduces Alice the Maid, who proceeds to sing Thank God I’m A Country Girl while dancing with someone wearing a gigantic cowboy outfit.
It’s weeeeeeeeeeird.
It gets weirder.
After the song, a visibly out-of-breath Alice thanks everyone and says that she figured it was just her turn to take a try at singing. Alice catches her breath long enough to tell us that something big happened at the Brady Compound.
What happened is that Peter, Jan, Cindy, and Bobby invited the What’s Happening!!! Kids to the come home with them after school and they promised their friends a guest role on the show. They discuss doing a skit about a magic potion. Fred “ReRun” Berry pretends to drink a magic potion and starts to dramatically twitch, while Fake Jan watches with a nervous look on her face. ReRun the announces that he …. WANTS TO BE O.J. SIMPSON! ReRun starts running around the living room and jumping over the furniture. Fake Jan drinks her fake potion and starts to sing The Sound of Music. Peter suggests that he would drink his potion and become a waterfall. This all goes on for so long that it’s hard not to wonder just what exactly is in those imaginary potions.
Mike and Carol finally get home and demand to know why the kids from What’s Happening!!! are in the living room. Fake Jan explains that the Brady kids invited the What’s Happening!!! kids to be on their show. Mike and Carol look worried and then say that it’s time for the What’s Happening!!! kids to go home. Mike leaves to drive the guests back to their studio. Carol order the Brady kids to sit on the couch and sternly tells them that there’s no room for the What’s Happening!!! kids on this week’s show but that she would have totally voted for Obama a third time if she could have. (Seriously, it’s kind of hard not to notice that Mike and Carol had no problem with Rip Taylor, Rich Little, Lee Majors, and Farrah Fawcett all dropping by the house unannounced but they freaked out as soon as they say saw the What’s Happening!!! kids in their living room.) Carol tells Peter that he’s going to have to “tell the What’s Happening!!! kids that they can’t be on the show.”
The show goes to commercial. When it comes back, Carol and a coked-up Marcia are standing on stage.
“Hi,” Marcia says, “stay tuned for the second half of the Brady Bunch Hour.”
“Excuse me, Marcia,” Carol says, “this is the second half of the Brady Bunch Hour.”
“That’s good, this is going to be much better than the first half,” Marcia says, before dismissing the first half as being sad.
“Marcia’s a part of the now generation,” Carol explains, “They’re always honest and always tacky.”
Why was so much of the humor on the Brady Bunch Hour based around the kids being condescendingly corrected their parents? Carol, for her part, seems to be taking tonight’s show extremely seriously. Maybe she’s still nervous about the What’s Happening!!! kids living in the same neighborhood as her family.
Speaking of which, Marcia says that she feels sorry for the What’s Happening!!! kids. Carol blames it all on Peter and then tells us to just watch so that we can see what happened when Peter told them they couldn’t be on the show.
It turns out that Peter summoned the What’s Happening!!! Kids to the Brady Compound so he could tell them they couldn’t be on the show. The What’s Happening!!! Kids show up and show off their impersonations of the Bradys. Cindy is shocked by how boring the imitation of her is. Peter finally tells them that they can’t be on the show. That What’s Happening!!! Kids are not amused, declaring that this is the “Same old story!” that they always have to deal with whenever they want to appear on someone else’s show. Guilt-stricken, Peter announces that he’ll find a way get the What’s Happening!!! Kids on the show.
We then cut to the main stage, where Greg is taunting Peter about how he’s going to get pushed in the pool. The What’s Happening!!! kids come out and Peter announces that Greg is going to be pushing all of them into the pool. (If Peter was smart, he would have just had the What’s Happening!!! Kids push Greg in the pool.) The What’s Happening!!! Kids respond by shoving Peter in the pool and then introduce “Mr. Disco, Rick Dees!” Rick Dees, who was best-known for a song called Disco Duck, performs a song called Disco Gorilla.
We then cut to Mr. Merill, who now wants to be called Mr. Merillo, opening up his own pizza place. Bobby apparently now works for him as a pianist but Mr. Merrillo also expects him to help serve the customers. Mike and Carol come by the restaurant and Carol yells that she came to Merillo’s to see Bobby play and not to watch him serve pizza.
Bobby starts to play the piano but Patty Maloney and a construction worker come into the restaurant and start to have a loud conversation. Carol demands that Mr. Merrillo tell them to be quiet so that she can hear Bobby. (Is it just me or is Carol kind of being the absolute worst this week?) Mr. Merillo refuses to say anything so Carol demands that Mike do something. Mike says that the construction worker is too big for him to deal with so Carol confronts them herself. It all leads to a huge food fight which …. ugh. I feel bad for whoever had to clean up the stage after this scene.
Having gotten a pizza dumped over their heads, Patty Maloney and the Construction Worker leave. Than the Brady kids shows up. Carol brags about how she and Mike put two blue collar workers in their place. (For all of her complaining about not being able to hear Bobby play, Carol hasn’t stopped talking since entering the restaurant.) A biker (played by Bruce Vilanch) also shows up. He tells Mike and Carol to shut up so he can hear the piano. Mike then picks a fight with the biker, even though the biker actually want to hear Bobby play the piano.
Anyway, this goes on for seven minutes and it’s followed by Carol oversinging a song called This Masquerade. This Masquerade was only five years old when it showed up on The Brady Bunch Hour. As always, Florence Henderson has a good voice but there’s something a bit too studied about her performance. There’s no personality to her version of the song. It’s a bit dull.
It’s time for the finale! But only Mike and Carol are on stage. Carol explains that the kids aren’t out there because they wanted to save all their energy for the disco-themed finale. Mike is shocked, wondering how the kids think that Mike and Carol are going to have enough energy for the finale.
“They think that we can have six of them, there’s just no end to our energy,” Carol says, “They think we’re bionic.”
“Maybe they’re right,” Mike says.
“Maybe they’re wrong,” Carol replies.
Uhmmm …. what? Is Carol saying that she and Mike don’t have the energy for the finale? Or is she claiming that she and Mike are bionic?
Anyway, it’s time for the disco finale and again, you have to see this for yourself:
Cocaine was very popular in 1977.
Technically, this was not a good episode but it was still oddly fascinating. It represented not only everything that didn’t work about The Brady Bunch Hour but it also represents everything that makes it impossible not to watch this very odd show. Everything about it is so wrong that it becomes undeniably entertaining to see just how much stranger things could get.
Next week, everyone will struggle to catch their breath as the Brady Bunch Hour comes to an end!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
Time for this again.
Episode 4.4 “Presumed Innocent”
(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on September 30th, 2000)
Jamal is convinced that Louis (Mike Bowman), a student who we’ve never seen before, is a skinhead. Louis has a shaved head and appears to have a bunch of new tattoos on his neck and hiding under his short-sleeved shirts. Jamal also says Louis was super aggressive the one time that they played basketball. “He was always trying to foul a brother hard,” Jamal says, “If it looks like a duck and talks like a duck and walks like a duck,,,,”
Later, in class. Jamal tosses aside a backpack and claims the chair that in which it was sitting. That backpack belonged to Louis and, in Louis’s opinion, so did the chair. Louis proceeds to call Jamal a …. JERK! That’s right. He used the word “jerk.” I considered whether or not to give everyone a trigger warning before revealing what Luke said but I decided to take the risk and just reveal what Louis said, as ugly as it may be. Now, in Manny High, calling someone a “jerk” is obviously the worst thing that you can do. Ms. Noble is able to prevent Louis and Jamal from getting into a fight in the classroom but later, Jamal discovers that someone has spray-painted “JERK” on his locker. Jamal immediately accuses Louis, telling him, “You’ve messed with the wrong brother.”
Louis laughs and says, “At least now you’ll always be able to find your locker.”
Bad move, Louis! Jamal throws the first punch, Louis throws the second, and then Ms. Noble finally runs up and shouts, “Stop …. or you’ll have to fight me!” Realizing that neither one of them has the skills necessary to defeat a middle-aged high school principal, Jamal and Louis stop fighting. When Jamal says that Louis tagged his locker, Louis replies that Jamal doesn’t have any proof. “This ain’t Judge Judy!” Jamal replies.
Inspired, Ms. Noble decides to have a mock trial so the students can decide whether or not Louis defaced Jamal’s locker. (And to think, some principals would have just punished both of them for fighting in the hallway.) Chris represents Jamal while Cassidy and Dawn are assigned to defend Louis. Ms. Noble serves as the judge and the other students serve as the jury and are probably bored to death. I mean, seriously, this is a lot drama over a locker that’s been defaced with one of the mildest insults known to man.
(Add to that, this was already done in that episode of Saved By The Bell where Ms. Bliss’s tacky sweater got paint on it and Screech was put on trial.)
When Chris turns out to be a terrible lawyer, Jamal resorts to sending Al to get proof that Louis is a skinhead. Al returns with a picture of Louis at a bus stop with several other bald people. When Jamal (having fired Chris) enters the photos into evidence, even Ms. Noble looks like she’s ready to sentence Louis to life imprisonment. Louis explains that all of the people in the photos have cancer, “like me.” And he also reveals that his tattoos aren’t skinhead tattoos. They’re marks that are used to guide the radiation. Louis gets mad and walks out of the classroom.
“Case dismissed,” Ms. Noble says, which doesn’t really make any sense because Louis could have still defaced Jamal’s locker while also having cancer. The two things are not mutually exclusive.
“I can’t believe I judged Lou by how he looked,” Jamal says, “I mean, me, a brother!”
Chris and Jamal go to the cancer clinic and apologize to Louis. We never find out who wrote “Jerk” on Jamal’s locker.
Actually, this isn’t a terrible episode. Mike Bowman (who, as far as I know, is not related to me) did a pretty good job as Louis and the show’s message was ultimately a worthy one. There was even a slightly funny B-plot about Al and L-Train trying not to use any slang on their radio show. City Guys is definitely not my favorite show to review but this episode was okay.
Episode 4.5 “The Third Wheel”
(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 7th, 2000)
Al’s birthday is coming up and Dawn wants to celebrate it without L-Train coming along. However, when Al tries to tell L-Train that he’s not invited to celebrate his birthday with him and Dawn, L-Train mishears and thinks that Al is complaining about Dawn being clingy. Al gets upset. “I have to choose between my best friend and my girlfriend.” Al, are you really so stupid as to not know that you spend your birthday with your girlfriend? Apparently so. Anyway, Dawn and L-Train realize that Al is too stupid to choose between them so they collaborate on the party, which is a pretty simple solution. You have to wonder why it took so long for them to come up with that.
Meanwhile, Chris and Jamal want to put on a horror-themed radio show and, of course, Cassidy and Ms. Noble decided to get involved. Doesn’t Ms. Noble have a wedding to plan?
This episode was dumb and I don’t want to waste any more time on it.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
Come aboard!
Episode 2.4 “The Man Who Loved Women / A Different Girl / Oh, My Aching Brother”
(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on September 30th, 1978)
This week’s cruise is all about deception …. and love!
For instance, Joe (Marty Ingels) and Harold Nash (Sonny Bono) are two brothers who thrive on deception. Harold specializes in pretending to get injured. Joe specializes in threatening to sue until the brothers get paid off. Apparently, it’s a scheme that works well for them, though Joe seems to be a lot more enthusiastic about it than Harold. In fact, Harold seems to be a nice guy who mostly just wants to enjoy the cruise and flirt with another passenger, Rita (Judy Landers). Still, Joe insists that Harold pretend to hurt his back so Harold takes a dramatic fall on the shuffleboard course.
Of course, the crew can spot a fake injury from miles away. For once, Doc Bricker actually does his job and announces that, despite all of his yelling and groaning, there does not appear to be anything wrong with Harold’s back. Still, if Harold goes through the entire cruise without walking, the Pacific Princess will probably pay a settlement. Joe’s happy about that. Harold’s unhappy because he wants to get up and walk over to Rita’s cabin. In the end, it is Harold’s love for Rita that defeats the scheme. When he sees Rita actually trip and take a fall, Harold can’t stop himself from jumping out of his wheelchair to help her. Awwwwwww!
This storyline was dumb but kind of sweet. Sonny Bono was not a particularly good actor but there was something rather genuine about his chemistry with Judy Landers.
Meanwhile, the Captain Stubing’s godson, Dave Stanton (Grant Goodeve), is taking the cruise with his wife, Laura (Bess Armstrong). Though they’ve been married for two years, they are only now getting to take their honeymoon. (Dave was in the army and Laura was caring for her terminally ill mother.) During the trip, they discover that they’ve both changed over the past two years. Laura’s more independent now. Plus, she had an affair while Dave was gone. Dave gets pretty upset but Captain Stubing asks Dave if he can really say that he’s never cheated on Laura. Dave admits that he cheated on her too. Now that they know that they’re both cheaters, Dave and Laura’s marriage is strong than ever!
This storyline was defeated by the fact that neither Dave nor Laura were particularly sympathetic characters. At one point, Dave actually says that his cheating was different from Laura’s cheating because he’s a guy and she’s a woman. AGCK! Probably the most interesting part of this story is that it gave Stubing a chance to talk about why his own marriage fell apart. This show has often hinted that there is a lot of darkness and trauma in Stubing’s past and Gavin MacLeod always brings a lot of sincerity to the scenes where the captain admits that he has regrets.
Finally, Charlotte (Cathryn Damon), Bonnie (Jo Ann Pflug), and Anita (Brett Sommers) are three divorcees who take the cruise together. All three of them end up meeting a man. Charlotte meets a man named Alvin, who she decides to call him by his middle name, “Cornelius.” Bonnie meets a man who she calls Vinny. Anita meets a man who she calls by his last name, “McNair.” What they don’t know is that all of them have met the same man, Alvin Cornelius McNair (David Doyle). Alvin goes out with all three of the women but he starts to feel guilty when he realizes that they’re all cabinmates. However, Charlotte, Bonnie, and Anita tell him that it doesn’t matter to them because Alvin was always honest with them and didn’t try to manipulate any of them. Awwwww! I liked this story. Damon, Pflug, and Sommers were believable as old friends and Doyle was likable as Alvin.
This was actually a pretty enjoyable episode. It may not have been perfect but it was a pleasant trip.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Fantasy Island is invaded by Nazis and Angels!
Episode 2.3 “Charlie’s Cherubs/Stalag 3”
(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on December 9th, 1978)
Today’s episode begins with Mr. Roarke noticing that Tattoo is carrying a calculator with him.
“What is that, Tattoo?” he asks.
“A mini-computer,” Tattoo replies, “My cousin Igor sent it to me. Computers can take away a lot of guess work.”
Mr. Roarke, obviously thinking that these “computer” things are but a mere fad, replies, “So can bikinis. Let us meet our guests.”
This week, all of the guests have dangerous fantasies. For instance, Danny Ryan (Cornel Wilde) is a World War II veteran who has never really been able to make it in the post-War world. So, he invites three fellow vets to return with him to the French town in which they spent 1944. During the War, they were POWS at Stalag 3 but they were famous for continually outsmarting Commandant Horst Von Stern (Nehemiah Persoff). In fact, Von Stern’s career and reputation never really recovered from the time that Danny and his friends escaped. (I imagine that, after the war, Von Stern’s reputation was also damaged by the fact that he was a freaking Nazi commandant.) Not only has Mr. Roarke arranged for the old French village — complete with Fifi of the Resistance (played by Yvonne DeCarlo) — to be moved to Fantasy Island but he also brought over the old POW camp. Unfortunately, Von Stern decides to come over as well and get his revenge by tossing Danny and friends back in the camp.
“You see,” Von Stern announces, “generals have fantasies too.”
What the Hell is going on with this Island? Does Mr. Roarke just give anyone a fantasy, even a Nazi war criminal? Actually, it appears that Mr. Roarke doesn’t know that Von Stern has come to the Island nor does he know that there is a treasure of stolen diamonds hidden in the village. Apparently, Roarke decided to just let this fantasy run on autopilot without actually bothering to check in with what was going on.
Both Mr. Roarke and Tattoo are more concerned with the three secretaries (Melinda Naud, Brenda Benet, and Bond Gideon) who want to be Charlie’s Angels and solve a crime. The crime involves a theft on Fantasy Island and …. well, it’s really not much of a mystery. It’s basically a 20-minutes episode of Charlie’s Angels, with a bit less action but a lot more scenes of people saying stuff like, “He knows about electronics so he’s the thief!” It was really a weak fantasy, which is a shame because, if I ever went to Fantasy Island, I would probably want to be a detective as well!
The show ends with Von Stern being sent to Germany to be put on trial for war crimes and the Angels saying that they’re ready to be secretaries again. Roarke informs them that most angels fantasize about being secretaries. Uhmmm, Mr. Roarke …. the proper term is administrative professional. Everything appears to be wrapped up but, as the show ends, Tattoo announces that someone has stolen his mini-computer and Mr. Roarke laughs at his assistant’s misfortune. Perhaps Tattoo losing his most prized possession was Roarke’s fantasy.
This was a weird episode. Mr. Roarke might need to pay closer attention to what’s happening on his island!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
Season 3 comes to an end as the Tornadoes play in the state championship and Coach Fuller is faced with a big decision about his future. It’s hang time!
Episode 3.25 “The Curfew”
(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on December 6th, 1997)
The Deering Tornadoes are in the championship tournament! After they arrive at Indiana University or the University of Indiana or Gary Community College or wherever it is that they’re playing, Coach Fuller tells them that they’re under curfew. However, Teddy sneaks out to a sorority party and then the rest of the team sneaks out to bring him back. Then Fuller shows up at the party, looking for his team. Since no one on this show can just do the simple thing and admit to having screwed up, the boys dress up like sorority girls and Julie dresses up like a frat boy and they attempt to sneak back to the dorms. Everyone but Teddy shows up before curfew. When Fuller finds out what happened, he benches Teddy. Even when a player gets injured, Fuller sends in some guy we’ve never seen before and keeps Teddy on the bench. What’s funny is that the player Fuller does send in pauses to dramatically glare at Teddy as he heads out to the court. I wonder if he’s related to the guy from the Fake ID episode, the one who snapped, “I don’t want to let the team down!” when Fuller asked him if he could play despite being injured.
Even though he’s not on the court, Teddy still helps the team by joining the cheerleaders and cheering them on to victory.
This is stupid and the next episode is a lot more interesting. Let’s move on.
Episode 3.26 “Fuller’s Big Offer”
(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on December 6th, 1997)
The Deering High Tornadoes have a chance to win the state championship but they’re struggling. “The Tornadoes are self-destructing!” the in-game announcer says. Their heads are not in the game!
Well, who can blame them? Coach Fuller has been offered a chance to become the head coach at Southern Florida University. The team is convinced that Fuller is going to leave them after the season ends but, in a rousing locker room speech, he tells them that they can’t worry about what’s going to happen in the future. They have to concentrate on the here and now. Inspired by his words, the Tornadoes take the court and win the championship! Of course, Julie scores the winning point because Julie was the greatest player in the history of basketball. And, of course, the Tornadoes only win by a point because the Tornadoes almost always only won by one point. It just seems like a truly great time wouldn’t always have to come from behind and win by a point.
At the dinner to celebrate the championship, I can’t help but notice that Fuller and all of the starters are there but the rest of the team is nowhere to be seen. It’s hard not to feel bad for the members of the team who never got names or storylines. Not only do they have to spend all of the games sitting on the bench but they also aren’t allowed to attend the championship dinner. Fuller toasts his starters and announces that “All good things must come to an end.” Awww, he’s leaving. Then, Fuller says that he can’t wait to win another championship with the Tornadoes! Yay! He’s not leaving! The season ends with a jubilant team surrounding their coach.
Except, of course, Fuller did leave. Season 4 opened with Fuller in Florida and a new coach in Indiana. We’ll get to that next week.
So, what happened with the finale? Apparently, Reggie Theus left the show because he was offered a real-life coaching job but the offer wasn’t made until after this episode had been filmed. Here’s what I think happened. I can’t prove this but my theory is that the ski lodge and basketball camp episodes were meant to be the final episodes of the season. I think the championship episode was probably supposed to happen before all of that. (The ski lodge episode was taking place during everyone’s vacation, which indicates to me that it was supposed to be happening during the summer break. The whole basketball camp also seems like something that would happen during the summer as opposed to the middle of the school year.) But, when Theus announced he was taking a coaching job, the episodes were rearranged so the season now ended with Fuller getting offered a coaching job. Though the video on YouTube ends with Fuller announcing that he’s going to stay, several commenters say that they can remember that, when the show was originally aired, it ended with Fuller saying, “All good things must come to an end.” That indicates to me that the episode was hastily edited to try to create a cliffhanger, just in case Reggie Theus decided that coaching wasn’t for him.
Regardless of what may or may not have happened behind-the-scenes, this was a strong season ender. In fact, it would have been a perfect way to end the series. After three seasons, it would make sense that most of the characters would be graduating from Deering. (And indeed, Reggie Theus was not the only cast member to depart after season 3.) The show would have ended with everyone together one last time before moving on to even better things. It would have been poignant and sad and it would have have brought tears from even this cynical reviewer.
However, that was not to be. Instead, the show would continue with Julie and Mary Beth somehow still students at Deering High and a new coach stepping into Coach Fuller’s shoes. Next week, we start season 4!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1974’s The Day The Earth Moved! It can be viewed on YouTube!
Sitting in the middle of the Nevada desert, there’s a town called Bates.
Bates was once a thriving community but the years and the hot Nevada winds have not been kind to it. Now, it consists of only a few buildings and a speed trap. Judge Tom Backsler (William Windom) is the most powerful man in this tiny community and he’s determined to return Bates to its former glory. His plan is to open up a Christmas park and to remake Bates as “Santa Claus’s home away from the North Pole.” In order to raise the money for that project, he and the police run an aggressive speed trap. When pilot and photographer Steve Barker (Jackie Cooper) is caught in the speed trap, it turns out that he doesn’t have enough money to pay his fine. So, his car is impounded and he’s put to work, sweeping up the dust and helping to get the Christmas park ready to open.
With the help of friendly little townsgirl, Steve is finally able to escape from Bates and return to his job. He works with his wife, Kate (Stella Stevens), and his best friend, Harley (Cleavon Little), as surveyors. When someone wants to buy a stretch of the Nevada desert, Steve and Harley fly over the land and take pictures. Looking over the latest batch of pictures, Steve deduces that not only is there going to be an earthquake but it’s going to destroy the town of Bates! Can Steve return to the town that once held him prisoner and convince the townspeople to leave with him before disaster hits!?
In many ways, The Day The Earth Moved is a standard made-for-TV disaster flick. Only Steve and Kate realize what’s about to happen and they struggle to get anyone else to believe them. Indeed, it seems like the world is almost conspiring to keep them from warning everyone about the incoming earthquake. The film’s story checks off all of the expected disaster movie plot points. That said, the town of Bates itself — with its gigantic Santa Claus standing in the middle of the desert — is a nicely surreal location and the repeated shots of a deserted farm being gradually destroyed by minor tremors achieve a certain ominous grandeur. Jackie Cooper and Stella Stevens are believable as a husband and wife who love each other despite the fact that they’re often very annoyed with each other. To the film’s credit, William Windom’s character is not portrayed as being a cardboard villain but instead as someone who simply wants to give his neighbors some place decent to live. The Day The Earth Moved is predictable but well-done.
Of course, the main reason anyone will have to watch this film will be for the earthquake. Unfortunately, this is where viewers will run into a common problem that has afflicted many made-for-TV movies. The low-budget earthquake is just not that impressive. For all the scenes of people yelling, it’s always pretty obvious that the camera is doing most of the shaking. But you know what? It’s a made-for-TV movie from 1974. Cut it some slack and just go with it.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, Jake learns an important lesson about how ruthless and heartless the music business actually is. Meanwhile, Sly is forced to defend a lifetime of bad ethical choices.
Episode 4.5 “Fallen Idol”
(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 14th, 1995)
Never meet your idols!
Jake learns that lesson the hard way when his hero, faded rock star Zane Walker (Julian Stone), wanders into Sharky’s. Jake is stunned to see Zane. Jake is overjoyed when Zane agrees to listen to the Dreams play. And Jake is stunned when Zane steals Jake’s latest song and releases his own version of it. The song becomes a hit in record time. (Apparently, it only took about a week for Zane to steal the song, record it, and then release it.) Jake and the Dreams crash Zane’s press conference, with Jake still convinced that Zane is going to give Jake credit for writing the song. Instead, Zane smirks and takes all the credit for himself. Tiffani and Sly suggest suing Zane. Jake replies that it’s not about the song. He can write a hundred good songs. But he’ll never get another idol….
Wow, what a depressing episode! I mean, Jay Anthony Franke really poured his heart into his performance and it’s good that the show taught kids about the importance of copyright laws but still…. let’s move on to something happier.
Episode 4.6 “Defending Sly’s Life”
(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 21st, 1995)
The episode opens in a court room. All of the Dreams are in costume. Sam is a court reporter. Jake is a judge. Tiffani and Tony are lawyers. Poor Mark and Lorena are forced to wear unflattering bailiff’s uniforms. Meanwhile, Sly is wearing an orange jumpsuit because apparently, he’s on trial for being the most greedy, selfish guy on Earth. Tony is his lawyer. Tiffani is the prosecutor.
Is this a dream?
No, it’s a clip show. Each member of the Dreams testifies about how Sly has been both a bad and a good friend. Why are they in court? It’s never really explained and I actually appreciated that. It was a nice break from the usual “Remember that time that we played Sharky’s?” format of most clip shows. Interestingly enough, we even get clips from the first two seasons despite the fact that there’s no way Sam, Lorena, and Mark could have remembered any of that stuff. But at least the show is acknowledging that Matt Garrison and his sister used to be members of the Dreams.
(If I may briefly go off-topic, I always found it weird that, after Matt left, the Dreams went on without him. I mean, Matt started the band. He named the band! Was he okay with the Dreams continuing to perform his songs and under the name he came up with even after he left? Did Jake and the other band members even ask? After he moved, they could have at least come up with a new name for themselves. I would have suggested something like Jake Sommers and Funtime Quartet.)
Anyway, after all the Dreams testify about all of the sneaky things that he’s done, Sly testifies about the time that he helped Tiffani get off the steroids that he had previously given her. Apparently, that’s enough to convince Judge Jake to rule that Sly is not the most selfish person on Earth and Sly is allowed to go free. What would have happened if Sly had been found guilty? Who knows? I just like the fact that this totally weird episode came out of nowhere and will probably never be mentioned again. This is something that you won’t ever see on City Guys or One World!
Next week, the recently acquitted Sly is rude to multiple people, therefore proving that Jake shouldn’t have been the judge.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Brady Bunch Hour, which ran on ABC from 1976 to 1977. All nine episodes can be found on YouTube!
This week, Marcia’s getting married!
Episode 1.7
(Dir by Jack Regas, originally aired on April 4th, 1977)
We open, as always, with the Kroftettes doing a line dance in front of the pool. The announcer introduces the Brady Bunch and informs us that this week’s guest stars include Rip Taylor, Redd Foxx and The Ohio Players. The audience goes wild.
The Brady Bunch comes out, all dressed in red. They sing a song called Celebrate. It’s not the Celebrate Good Times Come On song. Instead, the lyrics are like, “I want to celebrate another good day blah blah blah.” According to Wikipedia, this song was originally recorded in 1968 by Three Dog Night. So, this song was only nine years old when the Bradys performed it. Considering that the Bradys usually performed the greatest hits of the 20s and 30s, that’s actually kind of amazing. That said, the family is so off-key and look so nervous while going through their very simple dance moves, you’ll want to celebrate when the song ends.
Of course, you may want to reconsider that reaction when you realize that the end of the song leads to the Bradys bantering. Cindy, proving herself once again to be the dumbest member of the family, asks, “What are we celebrating!?” with all the frantic energy of someone trying to figure out how to disarm a bomb.
“We’re back with another Brady Bunch hour!” Carol declares.
“YEAH!” the Brady Bunch children yell.
Mike announces that their special guest star tonight is “one of our daughter’s favorites, the star of Welcome Back Kotter–” TRAVOLTA? — “Robert Hegyes!” Oh. Well, he’s probably cool too. I’ve never seen Welcome Back Kotter. Fake Jan announces that the Ohio Players will be providing music. Peter says that “our good friend, Rip Taylor!” is in the studio. Greg announces that the Kroftettes and the Water Follies are going to be on the show. (They’re on the show every week, Greg.)
Suddenly, the notoriously profane nightclub comic, Redd Foxx, wanders out on stage and announces that he is going to have his own variety show, “right here on ABC.” Redd says that he’s going to hang around and watch everyone so that he can get ideas for “The Redd Foxx Comedy Hour.” Redd leaves the stage fairly quickly and I don’t blame him.
After we return from commercial, the Bradys sing If They Could See Me Now while dressed up as a wind-up dolls, complete with big keys sticking out of their backs.
Rip Taylor and Ann B. Davis come out on stage and start to awkwardly trade jokes about whether or not Rip was ever a young man. (Apparently, Ann B. Davis was very religious and Rip Taylor was very ribald and, as a result, Ann only spoke to Rip when they were onstage together.) The skit is interrupted by Redd Foxx, who comes out, insults Rip Taylor’s sideburns, and tells them to just go to the flashback showing what happened earlier this week.
We cut to the Brady Compound. Cindy and Bobby are arguing because, while they were out roller skating, Cindy met a guy but Bobby thinks the guy is a creep. Bobby told the guy to back off and then says he can’t understand why anyone would want to talk to Cindy or why Cindy would want to talk to them.
“Our little girl is becoming a woman,” Mike says, in a line that is not at all creepy.
Alice the Maid enters the living room and refuses to tell Mike where she’s been for the past few hours. Mike finds it amusing that his mad thinks that she can have a personal life. It turns out that she was hanging out with Jackie Merrill. Apparently, she and Jackie are a couple now, despite the fact that Jackie is Rip Taylor. Whatever happened to Sam the Butcher? For that matter, why is Alice even in Hollywood? Just because Mike decided to ruin his children’s lives by producing a variety show, does that mean Alice’s life has to be ruined as well?
Fake Jan comes into the living room and complains that she doesn’t have a boyfriend to drive her around. Her parents tell her to stop crying and accept that she’s the middle child.
Greg comes in the living room and worries that Marcia is acting a little weird. He mentions that Marcia is going out with some new guy, which takes Mike and Carol by surprise. Marcia finally enters the living room and announces that she wants her parents to meet her new boyfriend. She explains that he’s totally soulful and vulnerable and poetic.
“It’s either got to be Walter Cronkite or David Bowie,” Carol says.
Nope, it’s Winston Beaumont, played by tonight’s special guest star, Robert Hegyes.
After Winston flashes a peace sign and elaborately shakes everyone’s hands, Marcia announces that she and Winston are engaged.
“Whoa!” the audience says in unison.
We then cut to a cemetery, where Greg, Fake Jan, and Marcia sing Southern Nights. It’s actually a good song for Greg and Marcia’s limited vocal range. That said, Fake Jan’s voice is so good that it serves to remind the viewer of how vocally limited everyone else on the show (except for Florence Henderson) actually was.
We cut to Cindy asking Peter if he thinks that she’s pretty. Peter tells her that she’s totally awesome and that he would totally go out with her if she was a little older and if she wasn’t his sister. Technically, Cindy is only his stepsister but still …. ick! Redd Foxx comes out and asks how things are going with Winston. “Watch this!” Peter says.
Cut to the Brady Compound, where Mike and Carol ask Marcia and Winston what they mean by engaged. Marcia says they’re going to get married. Winston says Marcia is totally outrageous. “Hate is a four-letter word, man,” Winston says. And it’s true! Greg sits in the corner of the living room and stews. I guess it makes sense that Greg would be angry. Greg couldn’t even handle moving out of the house for two days and now, Marcia is getting married!
Mike says that he and Carol need to think all of this over. You can think about it all you want, Mike. Marcia’s over eighteen and can marry anyone she wants. Winston and Greg leave the living room and Mike tells Marcia that she’s not getting married. “I don’t want him to be my son-in-law,” Mike says. Marcia announces that she’s going to marry Winston whether they like it or not. “Whoa!” the audience says.
The next day, at the breakfast table, Alice tells Mike and Carol that sometimes, it’s hard to understand what people see in each other. Carol, in typical Brady fashion, responds to Alice’s attempted kindness by giving her a hard time about dating Mr. Merrill. On cue, Mr. Merrill stops by to see Alice and, misinterpreting the conversation, accuses Carol and Mike of trying to break up him and Alice. This leads to three minutes of Rip Taylor shouting, which somehow also leads to Mike and Carol deciding that they need to get to know their future son-in-law. Mercifully, the scene ends and the show goes to commercial. Since this show aired in 1977, it was probably a disco-themed car commercial starring California Governor Jerry Brown and the future king of England.
“And Jerry, it’s got more torque and handling than the average truck. Now, let’s boogie!”
We return to Mike and Carol standing on stage and introducing the second half of the show.
“In case you just joined us….” Carol starts.
“You should be ashamed of yourself! You’re half-an-hour late!” Mike snaps.
Redd Foxx walks out on stage and asks Mike why he doesn’t like Winston.
“Would you like your daughter to marry a mellow cat!?” Mike demands.
This is a weird episode.
Anyway, we then cut to the Brady Compound, where Greg is whining that Winston refuses to play beach volleyball because “he says sand has feelings!” It turns out that the entire family, except for Marcia and Peter, dislikes Winston. Marcia, of course, loves Winston because he’s her man. Peter likes Winston because Winston is apparently a baseball fan. Peter evens tells Marcia about how Winston was talking to a girl in “a tiny bikini” about baseball.
(Random sidenote: Winston should meet my sister!)
Marcia realizes that she and Winston have never discussed baseball. She also says that she just now noticed that Winston seems to agree with everything that he hears. She accuses him on being a phony. “I’m Marcia,” she snaps, “but who are you?” (Actually, you’re Maureen McCormick and you’re on a show pretending to be a part of an imaginary family.) Marcia dumps Winston so I guess that storyline magically resolved itself.
The show cuts to Greg and Peter standing by the pool. Peter tells Greg to just get it over with and push him into the pool. Peter seems to be so traumatized by the whole pool thing that it’s hard not to feel that Greg is one of the world’s greatest monsters. Peter ends up jumping into the pool himself, just to get it over with. Redd Foxx comes out and announces that he will be stealing the pool gag for his show but instead, it’s going to be a pool table. Redd then says, “I take care of my brothers,” before shoving Greg in the pool.
Redd introduces a band called The Ohio Players. The Ohio Players are best-known for a song called Love Rollercoaster but, on this show, they perform a song called Fire, which I immediately recognized as the theme song from Hell’s Kitchen.
We then cut to Florence Henderson singing her song of the week. This time, she sings How Lucky Can You Get? from Funny Lady. It’s not a bad performance. Florence could sing and this song is a good one for her somewhat overdramatic style. That said, Florence Henderson is no Ohio Player.
Redd Foxx comes out on stage and says, “Don’t tell the Bradys but I’m going to split now.” I don’t blame you, Redd. Redd admits that he’s not sure if he can do a Brady-style of show. “I can’t smile all the time,” Redd says. Redd also says he’s not sure if he can handle having six white folks on his show. Redd goes on to say that he can’t do any silly stories on his show, “like that thing about Marcia wanting to marry that dude.” Redd assures the audience, “The Redd Foxx isn’t going to look like the Brady Bunch Hour” and then walks off stage.
(According to the imbd, The Redd Foxx Comedy Hour was renamed Redd Foxx and aired in September of 1977. One more episode followed in 1978 and then the show was canceled. Among Redd’s guests were comedian Andy Kaufman and anti-gay rights activist Anita Bryant.)
It’s time for the finale! The Bradys stand on stage, holding flowers. Greg bitches that Marcia got a dozen roses while he got one crummy carnation. (Gee, I can’t imagine why Redd Foxx didn’t want to stick around for this.) Peter points out that he doesn’t even have a flower. “I’ve got a crummy onion!” Carol explains that he’s actually holding tulip bulb and Peter asks if Thomas Edison invited the tulip and WILL YOU GUYS JUST START THE GOT DANG FINALE!?
The finale music starts and the Bradys run off the stage in a panic.
Check out the finale for yourself! Some things just need to be seen.
This episode was actually not as painful as some of the previous ones, as the Brady banter was kept to a minimum and the Ohio Players performance of Fire definitely livened things up. The Bradys are still pretty annoying but at least Redd Foxx was there to assure us that he found them to be annoying too. Interestingly enough, the idea of Marcia Brady marrying a free-spirited mellow dude was reused in The Brady Brides. So, even though The Brady Bunch Hour has been deemed non-canonical by most Brady scholars (*snicker*), perhaps this show did have some influence on the Bunch’s future after all.
Next week, it’s the episode I’ve been waiting for. It’s …. DISCO NIGHT!
Through the Shattered Lens 