Category Archives: Retro Television Reviews

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.6 “Their Divided Self”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Tubi.

This week, it’s the worst episode of Monsters yet!

Episode 1.16 “Their Divided Self”

(Dir by Frank De Palma, originally aired on February 25th, 1989)

Bleh.

James (David L. Lander) and Robert Self (Keith MacKechnie) are conjoined twins who found fame as a stand-up comedy team but who now spend all of their time isolated in their mansion and arguing with each other.  They hate one another but they’re literally stuck with each other.  And, since they share the same lungs and heart, they can’t really fight with each other.

James’s girlfriend (Karen Harber) hires Dr. Blackman (Rich Hall) to help the twins but even Dr. Blackman’s years of psychiatric experience can’t seem to convince the twins to stop bickering.  However, when Dr. Blackman says that he wants to write a book about the twins, the twins announce that they resent being exploited and they kill the doctor.  It’s a murder that brings them together as siblings.

The end.

This was a dumb and pointless episode and I’m not going to waste too much time on it.  Making conjoined twins into the episode’s “monster,” just feels wrong on so many levels.  What feels even more wrong is not really doing anything interesting with them.  If you’re villain is going to be borderline offensive, at least find a way to make the character interesting.  There’s probably an interesting story to be found in the idea of two conjoined twins hating but needing each other but this episode is not served well by either its script or its performances.  (Some really shoddy FX doesn’t help either.  From the minute they appear, their big, boxy suit makes it obvious that the two actors are just standing next to each other.)

Hopefully, next week’s episode will be better.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 3.26 “Vicki’s First Love/The High Cost of Living/Accident Prone”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

The Love Boat promises something for everyone!

Episode 3.26 “Vicki’s First Love/The High Cost of Loving/Accident Prone”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on April 5th, 1980)

It’s not easy growing up on a cruise ship.  That was one of the main takeaways that I took from this week’s episode of The Love Boat.  Vicki is really excited when singer Mark Redding (Rex Smith) boards the ship.  She has a huge crush on him and she even gets to give him a tour of the boat.

Of course, despite his teen idol status, Mark is an adult and famous and being pursued by almost every woman on the ship.  Vicki feels insecure compared to the other women who are pursuing Mark.  (Of course, those women are all in their 20s while Vicki is 12.)  Eventually, Captain Stubing has one of his fatherly conversations with her and Vicki realizes that she doesn’t have to grow up quickly.  It’s a simple storyline but it’s nicely performed by both Jill Whelan and Gavin MacLeod and, speaking as someone who wanted to be an adult when she was 12, I could relate to Vicki’s feelings.  I was also glad that Mark turned out to be not a sleazy rock star, even if he was a bit superficial.  The Love Boat is a place for romance, not debauchery.

As for the other two storylines, one featured Steve Kanaly as Mr. Massey, a wealthy man who is paying a former lover palimony.  At his lawyer’s insistence, he boards the boat with a series of contracts.  Before he get involved with any woman, he is supposed to get her to sign an agreement not to sue him for palimony.  Needless to say, this does not make Massey’s romantic life easy.  Finally, he decides to forget about the contract, just for his shipboard hook-up to present him with a contract of her own.  Apparently, everyone’s scared of getting sued!

Speaking of getting sued, Tom Barry (Alan Feinstein) boards the boat with a broken leg and is shocked to discover that the bad driver responsible for the accident that injured him is on the boat as well!  Karen (Britt Ekland) is a bit accident-prone but, despite the awkwardness of their first meeting, Tom and Karen fall in love.  Tom even agrees to not sue her.  Yay!  I love a happy ending.

This was an enjoyable episode of The Love Boat.  With the exception of Tom and Karen’ story, there really wasn’t much romance.  There was just Vicki feeling insecure but coming to realize that she was just fine the way she was and then there was Mr. Massey trying to balance getting laid with remaining legally safe.  But the Vicki storyline was sensitive and intelligent while the Mr. Massey storyline featured some nice comedic desperation from Steve Kanaly.  Even Alan Feinstein and Britt Ekland had a really likable chemistry.  All in all, this was a pleasant cruise.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.10 “Kind of a Drag”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, an detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!

Episode 1.10 “Kind of a Drag”

(Dir by Bernard L. Kowalski, originally aired on December 2nd, 1995)

Someone is putting on a dress and a rubber Richard Nixon mask and attacking drag performers!  After one performer is pulled out of the ocean (“It’s a wig!” a lifeguard shouts after pulling off the performer’s blonde hair), Mitch, Garner, and Ryan are hired to discover what’s going on.

They suspect that the attacker could be Duncan Valentine (Stuart Fratkin), the son of a former sitcom star who is trying to put together a movie about her life.  (His mother’s catchphrase was, “Wait until your father comes home!”)  Needless to say, someone is going to have to go undercover as a drag performer to catch the killer.  Which means that it’s time for Ryan to give Mitch a makeover!

Garner also goes undercover as Whoopi Goldberg but we don’t really get to see much of him in his red dress and wig.

While Mitch is performing a song, the assailant in the Richard Nixon mask shoots him!  No worries.  Mitch is wearing a bullet-proof vest.  What does worry me is that the assailant then heads to the dressing room but no one bothers to call the police or follow him down there.  Are they trying to catch this guy or not?  Instead, everyone gathers around Mitch to make sure that he’s okay.  Eventually, Ryan does say, “Call 911,” but I’m not sure why you would wait so long to do that when there’s a gun-toting maniac in the same building as you.

Anyway, it turns out that Duncan is innocent.  Instead, the assailant is revealed to be a drag performer who is upset that he wasn’t cast as Duncan’s mother in the biopic.

This episode was …. actually, considering that it’s from the 90s, it could have been worse.  Yes, a good deal of the show is taken up with scenes of David Hasselhoff struggling to walk in heels and revealing that no one has ever taught him the right way to sit down while wearing a short skirt.  (Ryan really should have given him some advice as far as that’s concerned.)  And yes, Mitch’s girlfriend did happen walk in on Mitch while he was wearing a dress.  (Fortunately, she’s thrilled to discover that Mitch is getting in touch with his feminine side.)  And yes, the villain did turn out to be a deranged drag performer who apparently believed that he actually was Duncan Valentine’s mother.  However, for the most part, the show did treat the other drag performers with respect and it didn’t attempt to play the attacks on them for laughs.  Mitch, Garner, and Ryan treat them like they would any other clients.  In 1995, that was probably the best anyone could expect.

Next week, the show undergoes the first of many format changes!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.9 “Sanctuary/My Late Lover”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Episode 4.9 “Sanctuary/My Late Lover”

(Dir by Leslie H. Martinson, originally aired on January 3rd, 1981)

This week brings us two fantasies, neither one of which quite works.

Thomas Henshaw (Bobby Sherman) is a man who does not initially appear to be too happy to be on Fantasy Island.  That’s because someone has poisoned him and he only has a day or two to live.  His fantasy is to go the Sanctuary, an exclusive resort for killers, and track down his assassin.  Henshaw has got one clue, a strand of hair that he found on his clothing.  All has to do is find someone who has the same hair.  This would make perfect sense in a world where only one person had light brown hair.  It make less sense in the real world or, for that matter, even on Fantasy Island.

Mr. Roarke gives Thomas Henshaw a serum that will prolong his life for a few days.  Henshaw goes to the Sanctuary, where he immediately finds himself being menaced by Sid Haig!  Sid plays the bad guy’s henchman.  There’s a scene where Thomas attempts to grab a strand of Sid’s hair and instead pulls off his wig.  Sid does not look particularly amused by the whole thing.

Thomas meets and falls for Tessa (Morgan Brittany), who is basically owned by one of the assassins.  Thomas changes his fantasy, telling Mr. Roarke that he just wants Tessa to be free, even if that means that he loses his chance to track down the killer.  Mr. Roarke agrees to the change but no worries.  Thomas still manages to track down his assassin and learn the name of the poison.  (He also snatches a strand of hair off of the bad guy’s head and declares, “It’s the same!”  DNA testing used to be so simple!)  Mr. Roarke and the Fantasy Island cops show up and arrest the killer and also provide an antidote to Thomas.  Thomas lives and leaves the Island with Tessa.

The main problem with this fantasy is that Bobby Sherman was extremely miscast, giving a performance that was so mild that you never once believed he could be at the center of a murder-for-hire scheme.  Michael Cole, who plays one of the assassins, perhaps would have been believable as Thomas Henshaw.  For that matter, if the show’s producers and writers had really been willing to think outside the box, it would have been interesting to see Sid Haig play a sympathetic role on Fantasy Island.  But Bobby Sherman is just too bland for this type of story.

The other fantasy is also, sad to say, a bit bland.  Anastasia Decker (Eva Gabor) is a wealthy widow who is trying to choose between three suitors.  Complicating matters is the ghost of Anastasia’s husband, the charming Dex (Gene Barry).  Dex keeps popping up and pointing out all of the flaws in the men who want to replace him.  Anastasia cannot emotionally move on.  Finally, Anastasia decides she wants to be with Dex so she tries to drive her car over a cliff!  Luckily, Ghost Dex is able to magically stop the car in mid-air and return it to the road.  Anastasia realizes that, of her suitors, nerdy-but-nice Walter (Craig Stevens) is the one who truly loves her and that’s who she leaves the Island with.  Dex returns to the afterlife, happy in the knowledge that Anastasia will be able to move on.

I like it when Fantasy Island deals with the supernatural but this particular fantasy was so bland that not even a tap-dancing ghost could liven things up.  Eva Gabor tried her best but this fantasy was the type of story that the show had already done several times in the past.  Despite effective performances from Gabor, Barry, and Stevens, it was just a bit too familiar to be effective.

Well, this was a disappointing trip to the Island.  Hopefully, the plane will bring something more interesting next week!

 

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: CHiPs 1.10 “Highway Robbery”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, Baker meets an old friend and Ponch is nearly commits a crime.

Episode 1.10 “Highway Robbery”

(Dir by Nicholas Colasanto, originally aired on December 1st, 1977)

There’s a man on a motorcycle who is driving up and down the highways of California.  Whenever he comes across a traffic jam, he pulls up to people’s car and snatches whatever he can.  One man loses his wallet and his watch.  A woman has her purse taken.  When Ponch and Baker arrest him, the thief is revealed to be Leo Norrison (David Wilson), an old high school classmate of Baker’s.

Baker and Leo used to play on the school’s football team.  As Baker explains it, Leo was the student that everyone looked up to.  He was “Mr. Most Likely To Succeed.”  However, Leo fell on hard times after high school.  He won a scholarship to play football in college but then he flunked the entrance exam.  He joined the army but ended up losing his temper and striking his captain.  Now, with a dishonorable discharge on his record, Leo is unemployable and bitter.

Baker offers to help Leo out and Leo seems to appreciate the offer.  But, soon enough, Leo is back to stealing purses.  When Baker and Ponch arrest him for a second time, it’s clear that Leo will not be getting any more chances at redemption.

Wow, what a sad story for an episode of CHiPs!  Larry Wilcox can be a bit of a stiff actor but he actually did a really good job in this episode.  Baker couldn’t believe that his high school hero was now a petty criminal and Leo couldn’t believe that Baker had ever looked up to him.  As I watched this episode, I found myself wondering how many of my old high school classmates were now in jail.

Of course, this episode wasn’t all sad.  For instance, there was a rather lengthy scene that centered around a minor accident involving a traveling circus.  One of the circus’s elephants helped to pull a truck over to the side of the road.  Good elephant!

And then there was Ponch’s storyline.  In this episode, Ponch is even more cringey than usual.  He has grown obsessed with a model in an ad for suntan lotion, to the extent that he’s constantly putting on suntan lotion and he has a cut-out of the ad hanging in his locker.  When Ponch learn that the model is a friend of Getraer’s family, Ponch begs Getraer to set him up on a blind date.  Getraer says it’s not a good idea but Ponch insists.  Finally, Getraer relents.

Ponch shows up at the model’s house and discovers that Getraer is already there, having a glass of brandy with the model’s father (James Beach).  They tell Ponch that “Janey” will be right down.  When Janey (Wendy Fredericks) finally does come down to meet her date, Ponch is shocked to discover that …. SHE’S 15!

Getraer mention that Janey looks older in photographs.  Baker and two other officers — Fitz (Lew Saunders) and Grossman (Paul Linke, a future series regular) — step into the living room and start laughing.  Getraer laughs.  Janey’s father laughs.  Janey accepts Ponch’s flowers and then rests her head on his shoulder as the credits role….

So, just to repeat — SHE’S FIFTEEN!

Obviously, Ponch didn’t know that but still, it’s bizarre to see Janey’s father laughing about a 30 year-old showing up at the house to go on a date with his fifteen year-old daughter.  Getraer essentially set Ponch up to potentially commit a felony and everyone thinks its hilarious.  As the end credits rolled, I kept expecting Chris Hansen to step in the room and demand that everyone have a seat and explain what exactly it is they though they were doing.

Weird episode.  The stuff involving Leo was surprisingly well-done for this show.  The stuff with Ponch was truly cringe-inducing.  I mean, even if Janey had been an adult, Ponch’s obsession with her would have been creepy.  In the end, Baker’s friend went to jail and Ponch was thoroughly humiliated.  I guess it all balances out.

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 1.18 “Made For Each Other”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, two supporting players get an episode all their own.

Episode 1.18 “Made For Each Other”

(Dir by Rob Cohen, originally aired on March 8th, 1985)

After spending most of the first season as background comedic relief, Detectives Switek (Michael Talbott) and Zito (John Diehl) are at the center of this week’s episode of Miami Vice.

With the Vice Squad trying to make a case against criminal fence John Costeleda (Johnny “Vatos” Hernandez), Switek and Zito recruit two informants — Noogie (Charlie Barnett) and Izzy (Martin Ferrero) — and send them in undercover to get close to Costeleda’s lieutenant, an electronic store owner named “Bonzo” Barry Gold (Mark Linn-Baker).  For once, it’s Zito and Switek who are pushing ethical boundaries to take down the bad guy though, notably, they never get quite as angsty about it as either Crockett or Tubbs.  If Crockett and Tubbs are secretly aware that they’re fighting a losing war against crime, Switek and Zito are a bit more earnest in their outlook.

This episode also takes a look at Switek and Zito’s life outside of Vice.  Zito likes to take care of fish and is something of an eccentric.  Switek is dating Darlene (Ellen Greene), who used to date Zito.  Switek is also a big fan of Elvis, though Darlene has tossed almost all of his Elvis stuff out of the apartment and instead replaced it with pictures of Princess Diana and baby Harry.  (Prince Harry’s father is not seen in any of the pictures.  Neither is the future King Charles III.)  When Zito’s house explodes due to a gas leak, he moves in with Switek and Darlene.  Darlene is not particularly happy about that and, by the end of the episode, Switek has decided that his partner is more important to him than his girlfriend.  As the title says, Switek and Zito are made for each other.

I like the fact that Miami Vice would occasionally allow people other than Crockett and Tubbs to headline an episode.  After all, the show is called Miami Vice and there’s more to the Vice Squad than just Crockett’s houseboat and Tubbs’s fake Jamaican accent.  Michael Talbott and especially John Diehl are both likable in their roles, with Diehl in particular making Zito into the type of strange guy who you can’t help but love.  That said, this episode was a bit too silly for its own good.  It would have been interesting to see Zito and Switek go after the type of criminals that Crockett and Tubbs regularly went after but instead, Costeleda was too much of a buffoon to really be a serious threat.  The emphasis here was on comedy but Miami Vice works better as a serious show with funny moments than as a funny show with serious moments.

It was nice to see that Zito and Switek were made for each other but, otherwise, this episode never worked as well as one might hope.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Degrassi Junior High 2.3 “Great Expectations”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989!  The series can be streamed on YouTube!

Finally, after being preempted two weeks in a row, Degrassi Junior High returns!

Episode 2.3 “Great Expectations”

(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on January 18th, 1988)

There’s a new student at Degrassi Junior High.  Her name is Liz O’Rourke (Cathy Keenan) and she’s not happy to be starting at a new school in a new country.  (Liz formerly went to school in London.)  Liz dismisses the students at Degrassi as being a bunch of “preppy” snobs and Stephanie and the Farrell twins do their best to prove her right by making a bunch of catty comments and making her feel even more like an outsider.  Only Spike and Joey attempt to befriend Liz.  Spike knows how it feels to be an outsider at Degrassi.  As for Joey, he’s desperate to lose his virginity and he’s convinced himself that Liz, because of the way she dresses (even though she doesn’t dress all that differently from anyone else at the school), wants to have sex with him.  When Joey shows up at Liz’s house to work on a school project and then, from out of nowhere, asks to have sex with her, Liz kicks him out.

Oh, this episode broke my heart.  As someone who moved around a lot when she was younger and who frequently had to get used to new schools and as someone who learned early on that teenage boys almost always had one thing on their mind, I knew exactly what Liz was going through.  In true Degrassi style, this episode opened with Liz feeling miserable about starting at a new school and ended with her feeling even more miserable about being at a new school.  One of the many things that set Degrassi apart from and elevated it over other teen shows was that Degrassi rarely ended on an altogether happy note.  The problems that the students dealt with on Degrassi could rarely be solved in just 30 minutes.  Cathy Keenan did a great job capturing Liz’s brief hope that she may have found a new friend and also the crushing heartbreak of discovering that friend was only talking to her because he thought she was “easy.”

For those of us who first discovered the character on Degrassi: The Next Generation, it can be a bit jarring to see the way Joey Jeremiah behaves on Degrassi Junior High.  There’s a big difference between the mature, adult Joey of Degrassi: The Next Generation and the immature and self-centered Joey of Degrassi Junior High.  But I suppose that’s true of most people.  Everyone does foolish things when they’re younger and everyone makes mistakes when they’re immature and unsure of themselves.  As the episode ends, Joey tells Wheels that he actually did like Liz and that he made a huge mistake.  Joey realizes what he did was wrong but that’s not going to make things any easier for Liz, who starts another day of school while feeling more alone than ever.

Things work out a bit better for Arthur and Yick Yu.  Arthur is freaking out because he’s been having wet dreams so Yick encourages Arthur to call Dr. Sally (Sue Johanson), a sex educator who has her own radio show.  Arthur calls and Dr. Sally tells him that his dreams do not make him a pervert.  It’s a pretty simple storyline but an important one as it introduces the character of Dr. Sally, who will be mentioned many times throughout both Degrassi Junior High and Degrassi: The Next Generation.  It’s also an important storyline because of the contrast between how Arthur and Joey handle their questions about sex.  Arthur asks an adult and is lucky enough to get a straight-forward and nonjudgmental answer.  Joey convinces himself that he’s ready for sex when he’s obviously not, freaks out just trying to buy condoms, and then ruins his friendship with Liz.

Finally, Stephanie is once again secretly changing into her trampy clothes at school in an attempt to get Simon to notice her.  However, whenever Stephanie tries to talk to Simon, she gets interrupted by the Alex, the dorky student council treasurer.  Even if Alex didn’t keep showing up, I doubt it would have made a difference.  Simon’s just not that into her.

This was a sad episode but I’m glad I finally reviewed it!  Between taking time off for the holidays and getting ill, I was worried I’d never review Degrassi again!  But, as the theme song says: “In yourself, you must believe.”

Retro Television Review: Thief (dir by William A. Graham)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1971’s Thief!  It  can be viewed on Tubi and YouTube.

Neal Wilkinson (Richard Crenna) would appear to be living a great life.  He has a nice house in the suburbs.  He has a beautiful girlfriend named Jean Melville (Angie Dickinson).  As he heads into middle-age, he is still fit and handsome and charming.  He dresses well, or at least well by the standards of the early 70s.  (By the standards of today, a few of his ties are a bit too wide.)  Everyone believes that Neal has a nice and comfortable job as an insurance agent.

Of course, the truth is far different.

Neal is a veteran con man and a thief.  He’s just recently been released from prison and his deceptively friendly parole officer (played by the great character actor, Michael Lerner) is convinced that Neal will screw up again eventually.  And, of course, Neal has screwed up.  A gambling addict, he is $30,000 in debt.  Can Neal steal enough jewelry from enough suburban homes to pay off his debt?  Can a man like Neal change his ways?

This is a surprisingly somber made-for-TV movie.  Just from the plot description and the film’s first few minutes, you might expect Thief to be a light-hearted caper film in which Neal and Jean work together to pull off one last heist so that Neal can retire.  Instead, Neal spends almost the entire film lying to Jean and there’s hardly a light moment to be found.  Neal says that he wants to retire from his life of crime but, as the film makes clear, that’s a lie that he’s telling himself.  Neal cannot stop stealing and gambling because he’s as much of an addict as the wild-haired junkie (Michael C. Gwynne) who briefly confronts Neal at the parole office.  At one point, Jean tells Neal, “The more I know you, the less I know you,” but the truth of the matter is that Neal is so deep in denial about the futility of his life that he doesn’t even know himself.

It’s not a particularly happy film.  Richard Crenna is ideally cast as Neal, playing him with enough charm that the viewer can buy that he could talk his way out of being caught in a stranger’s backyard but with also with vulnerability that the viewer can see his fate, even if he can’t.  Thief also provides a rare opportunity to see Cameron Mitchell playing a sympathetic role.  Mitchell is cast as Neal’s attorney, who continually tries to get Neal to stop messing up but who ultimately knows that his attempts to reform Neal are just as futile as Neal’s attempts to go straight.

The movie ends on a surprisingly fatalistic note, one that suggests that there’s only one way to truly escape from a life of crime.  I can only imagine how viewers responded in 1971, when they turned on their television and found themselves watching not a light-hearted caper film but instead a bleak examination of criminal ennui.  It’s not a happy film but it is more than worth watching for Richard Crenna’s lead performance.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check It Out! 1.14 “Supermarket Superbowlers”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week is all about bowling!  Wasn’t CHiPs also all about bowling this week?

Episode 1.14 “Supermarket Superbowlers”

(Dir by John Bell, originally aired on January 15th, 1986)

Cobb’s has got a bowling team!

They’ve managed to get into the league finals and, according to Howard, all of the credit goes to their stockboy, Murray.  Murray may not be good at bagging groceries but he is apparently a great bowler.  He’s such a good bowler that it doesn’t even matter that Edna is a terrible bowler.  In fact, Edna is so bad that she doesn’t even get to bowl.  The only reason she is on the team is so she can step in if someone gets injured.

Someone does get injured!  Murray breaks his arm and right before the big game too.  However, Mrs. Cobb (Barbara Hamilton) has told Howard that she wants the store to win that championship trophy and she’ll give everyone on the team a $500 bonus if they win.  But if Edna plays, they don’t have a chance.  In order to keep Edna on the sidelines, Jack Christian tracks down a former pro bowler and hires him to be the temporary stock boy.  “Big Ed” Politowski (J. Winston Carroll) is a total slob who doesn’t appear to have taken a shower in months but apparently, he’s really good with a bowling ball.

Seeing how disappointed Edna is, Howard decides to fake a foot injury so that he’ll have to withdraw from the team and Edna will be able to play in his place.  But, no sooner has he faked one injury than Christian drops a bowling ball on Howard’s other foot.  (Why was Christian walking around the store with a bowling ball?  I’m not sure.)  Big Ed picks up Howard to take him to the hospital, which leads to an unseen but definitely heard crash in the parking lot.

The end result is that Howard ends up on crutches, the store does not win the trophy, and no one gets five hundred dollars.  But everyone is really impressed by the fact that Howard faked an injury just so Edna could play.  Of course, if Howard hadn’t faked an injury, they might have won the tournament and they would all be five hundred dollars richer.  Apparently, Cobb’s only hires those who have a very, very generous spirit.

This was a fairly forgettable episode, one in which there really weren’t any stakes other than a trophy and a little extra money.  Considering the big deal that Mrs. Cobb made about wanting to win that trophy, no one seemed to be particularly worried about any bad consequences from losing the game.  Considering that Murray broke his arm at work, no one seemed to be worried about whether or not he would recover or perhaps sue the store.  There were no consequences to anything that happened in this story and that’s fine.  Not everything has to be a matter of life and death.

Probably the most interesting thing about this episode is that neither Alf the Security Guard nor Jennifer the Cashier appeared.  In-universe, I going to assume the episode took place on their off-days but you do have to wonder if either one of them could bowl.

 

 

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 3.5 “Buddy, Can You Spare A Million?”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Gabe is really poor and Epstein has a chance to get really rich!

Episode 3.5 “Buddy, Can You Spare A Million?”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on September 29th, 1977)

Gabe tells Julie a joke about his Aunt Brenda, who believed in reincarnation.  Brenda went to a psychic to find out what had happened to her late husband, Sidney.  Sidney’s spirit informed Brenda that he woke up every morning and made love.

“Are you in Heaven?” asked Brenda.

“No,” Sidney said, “I’m a bull in Montana.”

Welcome back….

Continuing this season’s weird thing of keeping Barbarino separate from his fellow Sweathogs, this episode finds Barbarino in the hospital.  It’s nothing serious.  He’s just getting his tonsils out.  However, since Barbarino is not in school (and not even in the 11th Grade until he passes that makeup exam), he is not around to contribute his weekly quarter to the Sweathogs’s lottery fund.  Gabe reluctantly contributes a quarter in Vinnie’s name so that Epstein can buy a ticket.

Gabe’s reluctance turns to frustration when the ticket turns out to be a winner!  The Sweathogs split the money amongst themselves but all Gabe gets is a quarter from Barbarino.  As the father of newborn twins, Gabe could really use some of that money.  Finally, after Julie basically calls him a wimp to his face, Gabe heads down to the hospital to demand his share of the money.  As Gabe puts it, Barbarino gave him his word about sharing the money.

“My word ain’t worth nothing,” Barbarino says but we all know that Vinnie Barbarino isn’t as tough as he pretend to be.  Barbarino does the right thing and agrees to split his share with Gabe, 50/50.

(Except, of course, I think it’s debatable whether it was the right thing because Gabe only put in a quarter because Barbarino wasn’t there to do it himself.  He essentially loaned Barbarino the quarter and Barbarino paid him back.  So, really, Gabe should stop whining.)

Because his ticket won, Epstein is entered into a million dollar lottery.  Epstein and Horshack go to Gabe’s apartment to watch the drawing.  The million dollars is won by Juan Ep — EVERYONE GOES CRAZY! — uh oh, the announcer can’t make out the handwriting!

“Epstein!” everyone yells at the TV.

“Juan Eppinger!” the announcer says.

Congrats, Juan Eppinger!  Unfortunately, Juan Epstein is not Juan Eppinger.  Esptein looks like he’s about to cry, making this kind of a depressing ending.

Fortunately, Juan’s misfortunate does not keep Gabe from telling a stuffed animal a joke about his Uncle Eddie, the bank robber.

This episode felt a bit off, just because Barbarino belongs with the Sweathogs and the Sweathogs belong with Barbarino and keeping them all separate throws off the chemistry that made the first two seasons so successful.  I’m going to assume this was due to Travolta also doing Saturday Night Fever while working on Welcome Back, Kotter.  I imagine the show had to work around Travolta’s suddenly very busy schedule and this was not an easy task.  But still, without Barbarino, the Sweathogs are just lacking something and turning Horshack’s weirdness up to 11 is not substitute.

Next week …. Barbarino finally takes his makeup exam!