Jeff Harlan | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, it’s a musical conflict!

Episode 5.16 “Battle of the Bands”

(Dir by Leslie H. Martinson, originally aired on January 31st, 1982)

Jon Baker cannot understand the appeal of punk rock. He says that the punk rockers all seem to be suburban kids so why are they so angry? They’re not from “the ghetto,” as Baker puts it.

“Suburbs can be a ghetto too, Jon.” Grossie says.

Grossie, who is definitely my favorite member of the Highway Patrol, explains that he likes to keep up with youth culture and, as a result, he understands the difference between Punk and New Wave. Punk rockers have fans who slam dance while New Wave bands have fans who pogo. Grossie demonstrates how to do each dance while the other members of the Highway Patrol watch. When Getraer demands to know why Grossie is slamming himself against the lockers in the locker room, Grossie proceeds to hop out of the room.

This is all important information for Baker to have because there’s a Battle of the Bands coming up. New Waver Snow Pink (Susan Richardson) is eager to win but her guitars were recently stolen out of her band’s van. Unfortunately, Snow Pink has been targeted by Pain, a punk band that is led by Thrasher (William Forsythe). Thrasher doesn’t care about making good music. All he wants to do is cause trouble!

Now, I will say that Thrasher is kind of intimidating. That’s more due to him being played by a young William Forsythe than anything else. He’s a “punk,” which, in the world of CHiPs, means that he has a mohawk and his two bandmates have shaved heads. (If anything, they look more like Neo-Nazis than punk rockers. Johnny Rotten would have kicked them out of a moving car.) That said, when Thrasher flicks his lighter and talks about trashing the club, you believe that there’s a very good chance that he’ll do just that. Fortunately, the Highway Patrol is there to stop him.

Now, as you probably already guessed, there was no way that CHiPs was going to do a Battle of the Bands episode without giving Ponch a band. Ponch competes and he sings Kool & The Gang’s Celebration. It’s disco vs punk vs new wave! Of course, punk doesn’t really get to compete because the band is arrested. And Ponch really can’t win because then his character would have an excuse to leave the show. So, it’s not a shock when Snow Pink wins the Battle of the Bands.

To be absolutely honest, this episode was surprisingly fun. It was definitely an episode of its era, embracing both music and the moral panic of the 80s. The punks were unconvincing. Snow Pink was actually a pretty good singer. Estrada flashed that blinding grin while singing disco. Baker once again comes close to getting a romantic subplot. Grossie gets a monologue about the ideology of punk rock. What’s not to like? Bury this episode in the ground because it’s a time capsule!

One final note: Baker, at one point, says that Ponch might leave the Highway Patrol to pursue his musical career. It’s impossible not to hear the note of hope in Larry Wilcox’s voice.

This week, Baker meets an old friend and Ponch is nearly commits a crime.

Episode 1.10 “Highway Robbery”

(Dir by Nicholas Colasanto, originally aired on December 1st, 1977)

There’s a man on a motorcycle who is driving up and down the highways of California. Whenever he comes across a traffic jam, he pulls up to people’s car and snatches whatever he can. One man loses his wallet and his watch. A woman has her purse taken. When Ponch and Baker arrest him, the thief is revealed to be Leo Norrison (David Wilson), an old high school classmate of Baker’s.

Baker and Leo used to play on the school’s football team. As Baker explains it, Leo was the student that everyone looked up to. He was “Mr. Most Likely To Succeed.” However, Leo fell on hard times after high school. He won a scholarship to play football in college but then he flunked the entrance exam. He joined the army but ended up losing his temper and striking his captain. Now, with a dishonorable discharge on his record, Leo is unemployable and bitter.

Baker offers to help Leo out and Leo seems to appreciate the offer. But, soon enough, Leo is back to stealing purses. When Baker and Ponch arrest him for a second time, it’s clear that Leo will not be getting any more chances at redemption.

Wow, what a sad story for an episode of CHiPs! Larry Wilcox can be a bit of a stiff actor but he actually did a really good job in this episode. Baker couldn’t believe that his high school hero was now a petty criminal and Leo couldn’t believe that Baker had ever looked up to him. As I watched this episode, I found myself wondering how many of my old high school classmates were now in jail.

Of course, this episode wasn’t all sad. For instance, there was a rather lengthy scene that centered around a minor accident involving a traveling circus. One of the circus’s elephants helped to pull a truck over to the side of the road. Good elephant!

And then there was Ponch’s storyline. In this episode, Ponch is even more cringey than usual. He has grown obsessed with a model in an ad for suntan lotion, to the extent that he’s constantly putting on suntan lotion and he has a cut-out of the ad hanging in his locker. When Ponch learn that the model is a friend of Getraer’s family, Ponch begs Getraer to set him up on a blind date. Getraer says it’s not a good idea but Ponch insists. Finally, Getraer relents.

Ponch shows up at the model’s house and discovers that Getraer is already there, having a glass of brandy with the model’s father (James Beach). They tell Ponch that “Janey” will be right down. When Janey (Wendy Fredericks) finally does come down to meet her date, Ponch is shocked to discover that …. SHE’S 15!

Getraer mention that Janey looks older in photographs. Baker and two other officers — Fitz (Lew Saunders) and Grossman (Paul Linke, a future series regular) — step into the living room and start laughing. Getraer laughs. Janey’s father laughs. Janey accepts Ponch’s flowers and then rests her head on his shoulder as the credits role….

So, just to repeat — SHE’S FIFTEEN!

Obviously, Ponch didn’t know that but still, it’s bizarre to see Janey’s father laughing about a 30 year-old showing up at the house to go on a date with his fifteen year-old daughter. Getraer essentially set Ponch up to potentially commit a felony and everyone thinks its hilarious. As the end credits rolled, I kept expecting Chris Hansen to step in the room and demand that everyone have a seat and explain what exactly it is they though they were doing.

Weird episode. The stuff involving Leo was surprisingly well-done for this show. The stuff with Ponch was truly cringe-inducing. I mean, even if Janey had been an adult, Ponch’s obsession with her would have been creepy. In the end, Baker’s friend went to jail and Ponch was thoroughly humiliated. I guess it all balances out.