What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Road House (dir. by Rowdy Herrington)

Posted on January 24, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The other night, I watched an old Patrick Swayze movie called Road House. The movie was on Channel 64, which is also known as the Ion Network. Anyway, the movie started at 8:00 and I was really, really tired for some reason so, as the movie started, I made the mistake of grabbing a pillow and curling up on the couch with the cat and, no offense to the memory of Patrick Swayze but, as soon as he showed up on my TV screen, my eye lid started to get so heavy. My sister Erin sat down beside me and said, “Are you falling asleep?” “No,” I said and then I was out like a light.

Luckily, Erin turned on the DVR as soon as she heard the sound of my asthmatic wheeze of a snore so when I woke up at 3 in the morning, I sat up and proceeded to watch the final 80 minutes of Road House.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because almost every guy I know seems to be in love with this movie. When Patrick Swayze died, I though about Dirty Dancing and Donnie Darko. But almost every guy I know — from my friend Jeff to my cousins in Arkansas to my boss at work to my online friends on twitter — was going, “Road House!” So, I watched it to see if I could maybe understand what makes the male mind tick. Plus, I was bored and really, really tired. And I couldn’t find the remote to change the channel. (Turns out it was actually underneath me, lost in the cushions of the couch.)

What’s It About

Patrick Swayze plays Dalton, who is apparently a legendary “cooler,” which apparently is what you call a bouncer who thinks he’s too good to be called a bouncer. He get hired to be a boun–oh, sorry, a cooler — at a bar called the Double Deuce that is located down in Jasper, Missouri. So, Swayze goes down there and starts cleaning the place up and then it turns out that the entire town is controlled by Brad Wesley (played with a true joie de vivre by Ben Gazzara) and Wesley wants…well, I’m not sure what he wants, to be honest. I mean, seriously, I was so tired when I started watching this movie. I’m sure I missed all sorts of nuance and such. But anyway, Gazzara wants something and Swayze won’t let him have it so there’s a lot of fights at the road house and a car dealer ship gets destroyed and a barn blows up and then eventually Patrick Swayze rips out some guy’s throat with his bare hands.

In between all of this, Swayze recruits his mentor (Sam Elliott) to come down and help out. This leads to Elliott getting murdered but nobody ever thinks to say, “Hey, Patrick — maybe if you had just let Gazzara do his thing, Sam Elliott would still be alive today.” Also, Swayze romances a local doctor played by Kelly Lynch. She used to be Gazzara’s girlfriend and she gets upset after seeing Swayze rip out someone’s throat with his bare hands. But then she ends up skinny dipping with him about fifteen minutes later so I guess she got over it.

Did I mention that Patrick Swayze rips out someone’s throat with his bare hands?

What Worked

Road House is one of those “so-bad-its-good” type films. This is a film that sets out to be manly and ends up being so manly that it becomes ludicrous. But guys are almost always fun to watch when they’re trying to be all guy-like. (Though not always, as will be discussed under the heading of What Didn’t Work.)

Ben Gazzara is a lot of fun in the role of Brad Wesley. Seriously, he looks like he had so much fun playing the part. Usually, it annoys me when a film’s main female character is revealed to be the ex of a total and complete psycho (and I’m looking at you, Love and Other Drugs) but it totally works here because seriously, Ben Gazzara is the man.

And Sam Elliott provides all sorts of grizzled, beer-soaked, chain-smoking, unwashed sexiness.

The film features a lot of countryside that doesn’t look much like Missouri but it’s still really pretty. (Missouri’s really pretty too. You rock, Missouri!)

Since this film was being shown on television, all of the bare asses and visible nipples were edited out as were all the four-letter words. However, it was that really weird, half-ass style of editing where you hear Patrick Swayze yelling, “FU—-CK YOU, WESLEY!” Also, whenever anyone said the F-word, a big blurry dot suddenly appeared over their mouth. That may not sound like much but at 3 in the morning, it really can cause you to giggle.

At one point, one of the bad guys grabs Patrick Swayze from behind and goes, “I used to FU—-CK Guys like you in prison!” That line made me laugh way too much. Plus, the guy saying it was really hot but then Patrick Swayze used his bare hands to rip out of the guy’s throat and that kind of ruined the whole mood.

What Didn’t Work

Well, technically, the entire film didn’t work but that’s kind of the whole point. Still, for a film that’s supposed to be so bad that it’s good, Road House is still not that good. It never quite reaches the level of Troll 2 or The Room. Quite frankly, there’s waaaaaaaaaay too much testosterone rampaging through this movie and the whole time I watched, I kept on thinking about the violence that seems to define day-to-day existence for far too many people.

Add to that, all of the men seemed to be beating each other up mainly because they were all actually in love with each other but refused to be honest with themselves about it. Seriously, this movie has some issues.

Plus, Ben Gazzara ends up dead at the end of the film which really upset me because he’s the most likable character in the entire film! At the very least, he’s got a really nice house.

Both Swayze and Elliott are apparently meant to be legendary bouncers. They’re so legendary that apparently everyone on the entire planet knows who they are. Now, I’m curious — are there really legendary bouncers? I mean, is there like an in-house magazine that all the coolers and bouncers and barmaids subscribe to? Maybe Patrick Swayze’s character was on the cover a few times. I mean, I can accept that maybe Swayze would be legendary in a few cities were he had worked but would the citizens of Jasper, Missouri really have the slightest idea who he is?

“Oh My God! Just like me!” Moments

Uhmmm…I’m thinking. There really weren’t any moments that made me go, “Oh my God! Just like me!” I mean, I don’t know Tae Kwon Do, I don’t really drink all that much, I’ve never ripped out anyone’s throat with my bare hands, I’ve never fired a shotgun at Ben Gazzara, and I don’t cover myself in body oil before going outside shirtless and practicing Tai Chi.

Oh, wait a minute! Much like Kelly Lynch in this movie, I would probably totally freak out if my boyfriend ripped out some guy’s throat. In fact, I would probably freak out even more than she did. I mean, even if — like Patrick Swayze in this movie — he made things right by dumping the corpse in a lake and then screaming, “FUCK YOU!” at Ben Gazzara, there’s no way you’d get me to go skinny dipping with him after all of that. Because the whole time, I would just be like, “That’s great you got everyone to kill Ben Gazzara, sweetie but seriously, I saw you rip someone’s larynx out of their freaking throat. So, just stand six feet away and keep your hands where I can see them.”

Agck! Now, I’m kinda freaking out about my own throat. I mean, is it that easy to do? *Shudder* I probably never should have given this that much thought…

Lessons Learned:

Protect your throat at all times. Seriously, I’m going to start wearing a stainless steel choker every time I leave the house.

Falling Skies (Official Trailer)

Posted on January 23, 2011 by Arleigh

It looks like while vampires and zombies may be battling it out as the “monster of the moment” the past couple of years there’s an oldie quietly sneaking up behind them to try and take up the general public’s attention.

The first shot was a little film from South Africa called District 9. I think more than a few people saw that little film. Then last year we had a film from two special-effects brothers called Skyline. That particular shot wasn’t as good as the previous title mentioned. In fact, it was godawful though not without it’s perverse entertainment value one gets from watching a very awful film that still manages to entertain (though probably not in the way it’s creators intended to).

In less than a couple of months a film called Battle: Los Angeles will hit the bigscreen and will hopefully be a tad better than the similar plotted Skyline. This one has another South African directing it so that may be a good thing.

Coming this June is a tv series that also follows a similar theme of “alien invasion” with the DreamWorks Television series Falling Skies from producer Steven Spielberg and screeenwriter Robert Rodat. The show will premiere on TNT and stars Noah Wylie, Moon Bloodgood, Will Patton and Dale Dye. From what brief snippets of information that has been released about it the show looks to be similar in tone to Spielberg’s own War of the Worlds where it’s about the human armed resistance trying to retake their cities and the planet back from the alien invaders.

It definitely seems to be a very ambitious show and one that hopefully has a much leaner and efficient take on the alien invasion story than the current remake of V: The Series on ABC. That one had many hoping for a sci-fi to make a great return to network tv and instead we got aliens meets True Blood.

Here’s to hoping Falling Skies doesn’t have aliens wanting to have sex with humans and instead aliens just wanting to kill and/or eat humans instead. I think that would make for a much better show.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Golden Globe Awards

Posted on January 17, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the annual Golden Globe Awards show.

Why Was I Watching It?

Well, I wasn’t watching it because I was expecting to see the best films and tv shows of the last year recognized. The Golden Globes are notorious for being odd and anyone who takes them too seriously needs to relax a little. The appeal of the Golden Globes is that 1) it recognizes both television and film in the same ceremony which means you get to see unexpected sights like Jim Parsons, Robert De Niro, Johnny Depp, and the cast of Glee all in the same auditorium, 2) drinks are served throughout the ceremony which means that everyone’s pretty drunk by the end of it, and 3) you can make fun of what everyone’s wearing.

What’s It About?

As the show’s host, Ricky Gervais pointed out while commenting on the odd nomination of The Tourist for Best Picture (Comedy), the show is mostly about the shadowy members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association getting a chance to hang out with people like Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. And who can blame them, really? Quite honestly, if it meant I might get a chance to spend a night with Johnny Depp (or, I’ll admit it, Angelia Jolie), I’m more than willing to love The Tourist too.

What Worked

Oh my God, it was such an odd three hours. While the winners were kinda predictable and boring (how excited can you get — at this point — to see The Social Network win awards) and showed the typical tendency towards embracing the safe over the unpredictable, Ricky Gervais kept things lively. He hosted with an attitude that basically said, “My career doesn’t need your approval so fuck off, Hollywood.” It also pretty much guaranteed that Gervais will never host the Oscars. My favorite Gervais moment came early when he made the comment about secretly gay Scientologists (an obvious reference to Tom Cruise and maybe John Travolta). The way the audience gasped pretty much told you all you needed to know as far as the truth behind the joke was concerned.

Robert De Niro won the DeMille Award and gave a speech that revealed that he’s actually a human being and apparently, a somewhat bitter one at that. Also, I simply have to mention that Robert De Niro is aging really well. As opposed to…oh, I don’t know…Al Pacino, maybe?

Melissa Leo is one of my favorites actresses and it was nice to see her rewarded for The Fighter but her speech did go on and on and the only thing that saved the moment was that some genius in the control booth decided to cut to Helena Bonham Carter who had the coolest “What the fuck?” look on her face.

Angelina Jolie’s green dress was quite simply to die for and I want it because it’s the same color as my right eye. So, I’ll repeat the offer that I made earlier on twitter: whoever gets me this dress (by whatever means) can watch while I try it on and take it off. (That’s a joke, by the way! Seriously though, I so want that dress. Except, of course, I’d want to have Hello Kitty on it somewhere…)

Natalie Portman won best actress in a drama and, out of all the awards given last night, that’s really the only one I agreed with. When Portman’s name was announced, my twitter friend Jason Tarwater asked if I was doing cartwheels. Well, I didn’t do cartwheels but I did attempt to do a pirouette and wow, that was a mistake because I so twisted my ankle the wrong way and ended up in really intense pain. So, I missed Natalie’s speech but I bet it was great.

I do like the way that the Golden Globes divide their awards into a drama and a comedy section. It’s a smart idea, I think.

What Didn’t Work?

I’m not going to complain about The Social Network winning most of the awards. It’s not a bad film, at all. It’s just not the great movie that so many critics are insisting that it is. At this point, I’m not so much anti-Social Network as much as I’m just bored with it.

Al Pacino’s a great actor but seriously, I hit mute any time he wins an award. And, seriously, would it kill him to wash his hair or something before he shows up for an awards ceremony?

Justin Bieber came out and gave an award or something and I’m sorry — he’s creepy. I mean, like David Archuletta creepy. Plus, I always have to go to Wikipedia to find out whether the i or the e comes first whenever I’m trying to type out the name “Bieber”. I mean, I’m only 25 and this little punk and his fans are making me feel like an old woman complaining about “kids today.” NOT COOL, BIEBER!

Aaron Sorkin won for his overrated screenplay and I guess he’s aware that he’s got an image problem because he tried so hard to be gracious but it was kinda like when James Cameron tried to be gracious while promoting Avatar. It just didn’t work. The more humble Sorkin tried to be, the more he came across like a prick. The final insult came when he thanked the best actress nominees for being “smart” women as if that’s such an unusual thing to be. I’m assuming this was Sorkin’s attempt to show that he’s not a sexist pig but it just came across as condescending and fake. It’s interesting to contrast Sorkin’s speech with David Fincher’s speech. Fincher was far more gracious and, quite frankly, the only reason that Sorkin’s screenplay came close to working was because, as a director, Fincher kept things visually interesting so you didn’t really spend too much time thinking about how every single character in the entire freakin’ movie sounded exactly like Aaron Sorkin. Seriously, does Sorkin know anyone who doesn’t talk like him?

Was it just me or did producer Scott Rudin — while accepting best picture for The Social Network — almost seem as if he had to be reminded to thank Fincher? It’s interesting that, for all the acclaim Social Network and Sorkin have gotten, Fincher has often come close to being forgotten. Could it be because Sorkin is a card-carrying member of the Hollywood establishment while Fincher, much like Fighter’s David O. Russell and Black Swan’s Darren Aronofsky, is not?

Finally, the first winner of the night was Christian Bale. Was he deliberately trying to channel Colin Farrell last night or was it just an accident? Regardless, when it comes Colin Farrell, I prefer the real thing.

“Oh my God! Just Like Me” Moment

: “I’ll show you a pair of golden globes!”

Lessons Learned

As excited as I’ll be if Natalie Portman wins an Oscar for best actress, I will force myself not to dance.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Bachelor 15

Posted on January 4, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Yes, I hear the sound of everyone starting to protest and rest assured, I’m not planning on using my space here to start blogging about The Bachelor (though I guess I could if I ever like got really pissed off at men in general…) It just happens that The Bachelor is what I watched last night and it featured a vampire.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because, God help me, I love it so. Everyone has at least one irrational love. I love crappy reality TV, especially if it gives me an excuse to get all catty and show my claws. Meow!

What’s It About?

Since this was the 1st episode of the new season, we met our new bachelor and discovered that he’s an old bachelor — it’s the return of Brad Womack! For those of you who don’t follow these things (and I assume that’s everyone involved with this site except for me), Brad was the Bachelor a few seasons ago. He’s the one who, after he picked his bride, then dumped her on national TV and decided he wanted to marry the girl who came in second. Then he dumped that girl too.

Anyway, Brad’s been in therapy for 3 years and in this episode, he explains that this all happened because he didn’t have a good relationship with his Dad, therefore establishing himself firmly as yet another little boy with daddy issues. (Pardon me while I gag.)

Once Brad’s got that all cleared up, he meets the poor girls who are competing to be his wife and he basically spends the majority of the episode saying, “I just want another chance because I have daddy issues.” You got another chance, you toadsucker. Shut up about your freaking childhood! Fortunately, there’s hope on the horizon because of a vampire named Madison.

What Worked?

First off, everyone spent a lot of time — and I mean A LOT OF TIME — trash-talkin’ Brad. I mean, everyone! The girls, the show’s host, and finally even Brad himself, all they could talk about was how much of a loser the guy is. And you know what? He is. Which is why it’s going to be fun to watch him basically put himself through Hell all over again.

Plus, the girl with fangs got a rose and I imagine that’s probably because the show’s producers thought she’d be good for ratings but who cares? She’s got fangs!

What Didn’t Work?

Well, the show is like sooooo totally shallow and reality TV is just the devil’s programming and it’s all evidence of how stupid people are and blah blah blah blah. Just insert your own boring, anti-reality television diatribe in here. And then pat yourself on the back because, yeah, you’re really like the first person who has ever said any of that crap. I mean, obviously, you’re a freaking genius. Good job, you elitist toadsucker.

“Oh My God! Just Like Me!” Moment

Not that long ago, I used to dress in all black and wear a studded choker. I also renamed myself Pandora DeSaad and wrote poetry about slitting my wrists and watching the blood circle down the drain of the sink. That got kinda tedious after a while and I moved on. Still, even if I hadn’t, I would still hope that I would be allowed to appear on the Bachelor.

Lessons Learned:

None. There were no lessons to be learned from this. The show was pure trash with no redeeming value. That was kind of the point.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: What Did I Do Last Night?

Posted on January 2, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

No, What Did I Do Last Night? is not the latest Lifetime movie, despite the title. (What Did I Do Last Night?: The Lisa Marie Bowman Story — I like the sound of that….) What Did I Do Last Night? is a 30-minute “reality” show that currently airs on the Current TV Network. Check your local listings.

Why Was I Watching It?

Originally, I had turned over to Current TV to watch Al Pacino in Scarface. What Did I Do Last Night? came on immediately after Scarface and, as often happens with my late night television habits, I was just too lazy to change the station.

What’s It About?

Apparently, over the course of each episode, the show’s smug host (Jeff Leach) gets a different English person drunk and then films them acting like a complete jackass. The next day, he shows the footage to his hungover victim and scares them sober. Or something like that.

This episode’s victim was a cheerful blonde named Rita who, once she got intoxicated, ended up climbing on top of a table at a bar. The next morning, Rita responded by saying that she was “disgusting” and then breaking down into tears. That’ll teach her to try to enjoy herself when she goes out.

What Worked?

Well, Rita did say she was going to try to reduce her drinking so technically, I guess you could say the whole show worked. Except, of course, that’s a load of crap because the show’s not about helping people. It’s about humiliating them while the viewing audience thinks, “I might be an unoriginal, boring, unimaginative toadsucker, but at least I don’t ever get that drunk.” And, taken from that perspective, the show again accomplished what it set out to do.

What Didn’t Work:

There’s a thin line between helping and victimizing and this show pretty much crossed that line from the beginning.

This show was a lot like Intervention in that it claims to help the addicted but only after they’ve managed to exploit that addiction for all that its worth. Of course, there is a big difference in that the Intervention film crew doesn’t actually shoot anyone up with heroin while this show actually gets people drunk so that the smug host can criticize them for it. The whole time that Rita was being shown stumbling around drunk, nobody ever asked if, under nontelevised circumstances, she usually drank quite as much alcohol as the show’s producers insisted on providing for her.

Plus, they pulled a very cruel trick on Rita early on in the show. While Rita is debating what to wear on her drunken night out, the show’s producers are heard encouraging her to wear a white dress with a low neckline and a very short skirt. What they didn’t tell Rita — but what they surely knew — was that her entire trip to the bar would be filmed with an infrared camera which would basically make that white dress transparent in a way that a non-white dress would not have been. Since the dress itself was practically skin-tight, Rita didn’t wear any underwear with the dress which means that, for the final 15 minutes of the show, she’s seen thoroughly shitfaced in a see-through dress with a huge amount of pixels over her crotch. And it’s impossible to maintain any sort of dignity when you’re climbing on top of a bar with a blurry twat.

I felt very bad for poor, exploited Rita. I hope somebody bought her a drink afer this show aired.

“Oh My God! Just Like Me!” Moment

At one point, after the producers have gotten her drunk, Rita is shown falling down and then falling again as she attempts to stand back up. “Oh my God!” I shouted, “just like me!” What’s sad is that, for the most part, I rarely drink. Yet, I often fall.

Later on, as Rita was standing on a table and demanding, “Everybody look at me bum!”, my sister Erin said, “Oh my God, just like Lisa.” As much as I love my sister, I have to disagree. Obviously, not being English, I don’t use terms like “bum.”

Lessons Learned

Don’t wear white on reality television.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: Wall of Secrets (dir. by Francios Gingras)

Posted on December 30, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Around 2 in the morning, I found myself watching Wall of Secrets, yet another cheap Canadian “thriller” that has apparently found a second life on the Lifetime Movie Network.

Why Was I Watching It?

My sister (and housemate) Erin was in Arlington babysitting our niece and Jeff’s going to be in Baltimore until New Year’s Eve (I miss him sooooo0000 much!) so I was alone and, as often happens when I’m alone, I couldn’t sleep. Insomnia’s a bitch and so am I after I haven’t been able to sleep more than eight hours in four days. I figured that maybe Wall of Secrets would put me to sleep so I started recording it on DVR (so I could see the rest of it after I woke up — I am the Queen of Wishful Thinking) and then I set up my little bed on the couch and I got as comfy as I could and then I closed my eyes and attempted to allow the sounds of the film lull me into sleep. No, it didn’t work. I ended up just watching the stupid movie instead.

What’s It About?

It’s the one about the newlyweds (Nicole Eggert and Dean “Mr. Tori Spelling” McDermott) who move into this huge, luxurious apartment in Seattle that they shouldn’t be able to afford. However, it seems that all of the previous tenants of the apartment have either died mysteriously or disappeared. As a result, they’re able to get a good deal on the rent.

(I attempted to do the same thing when Erin and I decided on the house we wanted to move into. I insisted to the owner that all of the previous tenants had been murdered and as such, he should really just give the house away. Unfortunately, I did not take into consideration that he was the only previous tenant.)

Anyway, McDermott is career-obsessed which gives Eggert a lot of time to hang out around the apartment, talk to the crazy old woman who lives down the hall, and get attacked by masked strangers. Eventually, she discovers that there’s actually all sorts of survellance equipment hidden in the walls and that someone has been watching her. But who?

What Worked?

Let’s see — there’s a cab driver who is in the film for 5 seconds and gets to say, “Give him Hell, lady!” That made me smile.

Voyeurs hiding in the walls? Its as if someone decided to film my sexual fantasies and then invited the whole world to come to watch!

What Didn’t Work?

My sexual fantasies usually feature better dialogue. And acting.

“Oh My God! Just Like Me!’ Moment

At one point, Eggert wanders around her apartment in just a towel and then realizes that she’s left the blinds wide open. “Oh my God!” I shouted, “That’s just like me!”

Lessons Learned

Always be sure to wear pretty underwear because you never know who might be filming you as you undress.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Ex (dir. by Mark L. Lester)

Posted on December 29, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched The Ex on the Lifetime Movie Network.

Why Was I Watching It?

As I was feeling ill, I had already made myself a little pillow fort in the living room and I was curled up with my wonderfully soft Hello Kitty pillow. It just seemed, at that moment, that watching the Lifetime Movie Network was really the only appropriate thing to do. (Plus, quite frankly, my options are limited now that we’re between seasons of Survivor, The Amazing Race, Big Brother, and Hell’s Kitchen.)

What’s It About?

Psychotic Yancy Butler, having already committed two murders, decides to move to New York and stalk her ex-husband (played by Nick Mancuso). Since leaving Butler, Mancuso has married Suzy Amis and now has a five year-old son who is dealing with rage issues of his own. After befriending Amis, Butler forces her way into Mancuso’s life and kills a lot of people.

What Worked:

Yancy Butler gives a wonderfully over-the-top, campy performance that is full of arched eyebrows and sardonic smirks. She delivers every line as if she’s auditioning for a community theater production of Double Indemnity. She appears to be having so much fun with her role that you actually end up hoping that she’ll manage to kill both Mancuso and Amis (both of whom are far less entertaining).

Director Mark L. Lester is an exploitation vet (he’s best known for directing The Class of 1984) and, as a result, this film has a bit more flair than what you typically find on the Lifetime Movie Network.

What Didn’t Work

This is a Canadian film that apparently went straight-to-video in the States. As a result, New York City looks a lot like Toronto.

“Oh My God! Just Like Me!” Moment

I have almost the exact same outfit hanging in my closet that Yancy Butler wears in the 1st few scenes of this movie.

Lessons Learned:

Your man’s ex really is as much of a psycho bitch as you think she is.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Perfect Teacher (dir. by Jim Donavon)

Posted on December 27, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hi. This is the 1st edition of something that I like to call What Lisa Watched Last Night. Because, y’see, I not only love movies and books. I watch a lot of TV as well.

Last night, after we got home from spending the day at the holiday family reunion at my uncle’s, my sister Erin and I turned on Lifetime and watched an encore presentation of the “original Lifetime movie,” The Perfect Teacher.

Why Was I Watching This?

When this movie premiered back in September, I watched it because, based on the commercials, it looked silly and fun. Plus, it was on Lifetime and, no matter how much I love the Grindhouse, I’m a girly girl at heart. As for last night, I watched it mostly because I was too worn out from the holidays to do much of anything else.

What’s The Movie About:

Devon (Megan Park) is a spoiled rich girl who develops a crush on her new teacher, Jim Wilkes (David Charvet). Jim is also the coach of the Girl’s Volleyball Team and Devon volunteers to work as his assistant. Before leaving on a volleyball road trip, Devon buys sexy lingerie which apparently is meant to let us know that she’s crazy. (Though really, why wouldn’t you buy sexy lingerie before going on a road trip with David Charvet? I mean, he’s a terrible actor but look at him!) Anyway, the team’s staying in a hotel, Devon knocks on Charvet’s door, Charvet answers the door without his shirt on and…uhm, yeah. Okay, how stupid is David Charvet not to know that when he’s the only adult present with a group of female minors, he needs to answer the door with his shirt on? Seriously, way to be a tease, Charvet. Anyway, long story short — Devon declares her love for Charvet, Charvet rejects her because he’s married to boring, old Rachel (Boti Bliss) so Devon gets behind the wheel of an SUV and runs Rachel down while she’s jogging.

Some other stuff happens but basically, all you really need to know is: lingerie-clad Park, shirtless Charvet, and hit-and-run Bliss.

What Worked:

The movie not only looks silly and fun — it is silly and fun! Ever since I originally saw this, I’ve been taking advantage of any opportunity to quote Devon: “I can be your dream or I can be your …. NIGHTMARE!” Megan Park actually does a pretty good job playing Devon. David Charvet can’t act but he’s nice to look at. As the wife, Boti Bliss has really boring hair and is kinda whiney but then she gets run over by a rampaging SUV.

What Didn’t Work:

Hey, it’s Lifetime. It all worked.

“Oh my God! Just like me moment!”

Who hasn’t had a crush on a teacher? Me, I pretty much developed a crush on every male teacher/professor that I ever had. However, when I think about teenage crushes I had on older men, I always end up thinking about Mark. Mark wasn’t a teacher but he was engaged to marry Ms. Conn, who was our Speech and Debate coach. I was 17 at the time and he was 23. Eventually, Mark accompanied us when we went to a speech tournament in San Antonio. Much as in The Perfect Teacher, the entire team stayed at a motel and, for me, the highlight of the trip was the night when I put on the pink Victoria’s Secret nightie I’d bought specifically for the trip, snuck out of my room, pulled the fire alarm, and met Mark as he came running out of his room clad only in his boxers.

I guess that’s not as extreme as getting behind the wheel of an SUV and running down someone’s wife but still, we’ve all played the role of obsessive stalker chick at least once or twice in our life.

Lessons Learned:

It’s not a Lifetime movie unless there’s some sort of lesson learned or deeper truth revealed by the end of the film. The lesson of The Perfect Teacher appear to be that even if you do marry a really nice, handsome guy who doesn’t cheat on you or plot your murder, chances are that he’s still going to unintentionally lead on some psycho bitch who will end up running you down in her car while you’re out jogging. In short, even good men are idiots and anyone younger and/or prettier than you is psychotic and looking to ruin your life.

Anyway, since this is Lifetime, you can be sure that The Perfect Teacher will be rerun at least three or four times a year until the end of time. I know a few readers might be saying, “But, Lisa, we wouldn’t be caught dead watching Lifetime.” And, to you, I say…I can be your dream or I can be your….NIGHTMARE!

“I’ll show you a pair of Golden Globes!”

Posted on December 14, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Golden Globes nominations were announced today and, as usual, they were a strange combination of the expected nominees and a few that seem to have literally come out of thin air. (Check out that Best Picture nomination for The Tourist.) The Golden Globes are awarded by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, an organization that seems to be about as shadowy and obscure as an Illumnati splinter group. That said, I’ve always wanted to be nominated for Golden Globe just so I could get in front of a tv camera, thrust out my boobs, and say, “I’ll show you a pair of Golden Globes!”

Anyway, as I looked over the nominations earlier today, three things came to mind.

First off, the Walking Dead was nominated for Best Dramatic Television Series. Yay!

Secondly, I was kinda hoping that Noomi Rapace might be able to sneak in as one of the Best Actress nominees. There is a small campaign going on to win her an Oscar nomination for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and she was nominated for best actress by yet another shadowy group, the Broadcast Film Critics. Unfortunately, a Golden Globe nod was not to be.

Third, I was a little bit surprised to discover that Toy Story 3 was not nominated for Best Picture (Comedy). In the past, the Hollywood Foreign Press has been far more willing than the Academy to nominate animated films and Toy Story 3 seemed like a far more likely choice than The Tourist. In fact, not even the film’s theme song picked up a nomination. Of course, Toy Story 3 did pick up a nomination for best animated film but I still wonder if maybe this could be evidence of a Toy Story 3 backlash. Up until a week ago, I would have said that Toy Story 3 is guaranteed an Oscar nomination for best picture. Now, I’m starting to have my doubts.

Anyway, here’s the nominees (taken from the Hollywood Foreign Press Association web site):

BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

BLACK SWAN
Protozoa Pictures & Cross Creek Pictures & Phoenix; Fox Searchlight Pictures
THE FIGHTER
Paramount Pictures and Relativity Media; Paramount Pictures and Relativity Media
INCEPTION
Warner Bros. Pictures UK LTD.; Warner Bros. Pictures
THE KING’S SPEECH
See-Saw Films and Bedlam Productions; The Weinstein Company
THE SOCIAL NETWORK
Columbia Pictures; Sony Pictures Releasing

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

HALLE BERRY FRANKIE AND ALICE
NICOLE KIDMAN RABBIT HOLE
JENNIFER LAWRENCE WINTER’S BONE
NATALIE PORTMAN BLACK SWAN
MICHELLE WILLIAMS BLUE VALENTINE

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

JESSE EISENBERG THE SOCIAL NETWORK
COLIN FIRTH THE KING’S SPEECH
JAMES FRANCO 127 HOURS
RYAN GOSLING BLUE VALENTINE
MARK WAHLBERG THE FIGHTER

BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

ALICE IN WONDERLAND
Walt Disney Pictures; Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
BURLESQUE
Screen Gems; Sony Pictures Releasing
THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
Antidote Films, Mandalay Vision, Gilbert Films; Focus Features
RED
di Bonaventura Pictures; Summit Entertainment
THE TOURIST
GK Films; Sony Pictures Releasing

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

ANNETTE BENING THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
ANNE HATHAWAY LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS
ANGELINA JOLIE THE TOURIST
JULIANNE MOORE THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
EMMA STONE EASY A

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

JOHNNY DEPP ALICE IN WONDERLAND
JOHNNY DEPP THE TOURIST
PAUL GIAMATTI BARNEY’S VERSION
JAKE GYLLENHAAL LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS
KEVIN SPACEY CASINO JACK

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

DESPICABLE ME
Universal Pictures, Illumination Entertainment; Universal Pictures
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
DreamWorks Animation; Paramount Pictures
THE ILLUSIONIST
Django Films, Ciné B and France 3 Cinéma; Sony Pictures Classics
TANGLED
Walt Disney Animation Studios; Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
TOY STORY 3
Disney * Pixar; Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

BIUTIFUL (MEXICO/SPAIN)

Menageatroz, Focus Features International; Roadside Attractions
THE CONCERT (FRANCE)

An Oï Oï Oï Productions, Les Productions Du Tresor, France 3 Cinema, Europacorp, Castel Films, Panache Productions, RTBF (Belgian Television), BIM Distrubuzione Co., Canal +, Cinecinema and France 3; The Weinstein Company
THE EDGE (Kpaй) (RUSSIA)

Teleshow/Rock Films; Central Partnership (Russia)
I AM LOVE (IO SONO L’AMORE) (ITALY)

First Sun; Magnolia Pictures
IN A BETTER WORLD (Hævnen) (DENMARK)

Zentropa Entertainment; Sony Pictures Classics

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

AMY ADAMS THE FIGHTER
HELENA BONHAM CARTER THE KING’S SPEECH
MILA KUNIS BLACK SWAN
MELISSA LEO THE FIGHTER
JACKI WEAVER ANIMAL KINGDOM

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

CHRISTIAN BALE THE FIGHTER
MICHAEL DOUGLAS WALL STREET: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS
ANDREW GARFIELD THE SOCIAL NETWORK
JEREMY RENNER THE TOWN
GEOFFREY RUSH THE KING’S SPEECH

BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE

DARREN ARONOFSKY BLACK SWAN
DAVID FINCHER THE SOCIAL NETWORK
TOM HOOPER THE KING’S SPEECH
CHRISTOPHER NOLAN INCEPTION
DAVID O. RUSSELL THE FIGHTER

BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE

DANNY BOYLE, SIMON BEAUFOY 127 HOURS
LISA CHOLODENKO, STUART BLUMBERG THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
CHRISTOPHER NOLAN INCEPTION
DAVID SEIDLER THE KING’S SPEECH
AARON SORKIN THE SOCIAL NETWORK

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – MOTION PICTURE

ALEXANDRE DESPLAT THE KING’S SPEECH
DANNY ELFMAN ALICE IN WONDERLAND
A.R. RAHMAN 127 HOURS
TRENT REZNOR, ATTICUS ROSS THE SOCIAL NETWORK
HANS ZIMMER INCEPTION

BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE

“BOUND TO YOU” — BURLESQUE
Music by: Samuel Dixon
Lyrics by: Christina Aguilera, Sia Furler
“COMING HOME” — COUNTRY STRONG
Music & Lyrics by: Bob DiPiero, Tom Douglas, Hillary Lindsey, Troy Verges
“I SEE THE LIGHT” — TANGLED
Music by: Alan Menken
Lyrics by: Glenn Slater
“THERE’S A PLACE FOR US” — CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER
Music & Lyrics by: Carrie Underwood, David Hodges, Hillary Lindsey
“YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF ME” — BURLESQUE
Music & Lyrics by: Diane Warren

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

OARDWALK EMPIRE (HBO)
Leverage, Closest to the Hole Productions, Sikelia Productions and Cold Front Productions, HBO Entertainment
DEXTER (SHOWTIME)
Showtime, John Goldwyn Productions, The Colleton Company
THE GOOD WIFE (CBS)
CBS Television Studios
MAD MEN (AMC)
Lionsgate Television
THE WALKING DEAD (AMC)
AMC

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

JULIANNA MARGULIES THE GOOD WIFE
ELISABETH MOSS MAD MEN
PIPER PERABO COVERT AFFAIRS
KATEY SAGAL SONS OF ANARCHY
KYRA SEDGWICK THE Closer

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

STEVE BUSCEMI BOARDWALK EMPIRE
BRYAN CRANSTON BREAKING BAD
MICHAEL C. HALL DEXTER
JON HAMM MAD MEN
HUGH LAURIE HOUSE

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

30 ROCK (NBC)
Universal Media Studios in association with Broadway Video and Little
Stranger Inc.
THE BIG BANG THEORY (CBS)
Warner Bros. Television
THE BIG C (SHOWTIME)
Showtime, Sony Pictures Television, Perkins Street Productions, Farm Kid, Original Film
GLEE (FOX)
Ryan Murphy Television, Twentieth Century Fox Television
MODERN FAMILY (ABC)
Twentieth Century Fox Television
NURSE JACKIE (SHOWTIME)
Showtime, Lionsgate Television, Jackson Group Entertainment, Madison Grain Elevator, Inc. & Delong Lumber, Caryn Mandabach Productions

EST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES –COMEDY OR MUSICAL

TONI COLLETTE UNITED STATES OF TARA
EDIE FALCO NURSE JACKIE
TINA FEY 30 ROCK
LAURA LINNEY THE BIG C
LEA MICHELE GLEE

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

ALEC BALDWIN 30 ROCK
STEVE CARELL THE OFFICE
THOMAS JANE HUNG
MATTHEW MORRISON GLEE
JIM PARSONS THE BIG BANG THEORY

BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

CARLOS (SUNDANCE CHANNEL)
Film En Stock and Egoli Tossell Film, Sundance Channel
THE PACIFIC (HBO)
Playtone and DreamWorks in association with HBO Films
PILLARS OF THE EARTH (STARZ)
Starz, Tandem Communications, Muse Entertainment Scott Free Films
TEMPLE GRANDIN (HBO)
A Ruby Films, Gerson Saines Production, HBO Films
YOU DON’T KNOW JACK (HBO)
Bee Holder, Cine Mosaic and Levinson/Fontana Productions, HBO Films

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

HAYLEY ATWELL PILLARS OF THE EARTH
CLAIRE DANES TEMPLE GRANDIN
JUDI DENCH RETURN TO CRANFORD
ROMOLA GARAI EMMA
JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT THE CLIENT LIST

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

IDRIS ELBA LUTHER
IAN MCSHANE PILLARS OF THE EARTH
AL PACINO YOU DON’T KNOW JACK
DENNIS QUAID THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP
EDGAR RAMIREZ CARLOS

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

HOPE DAVIS THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP
JANE LYNCH GLEE
KELLY MACDONALD BOARDWALK EMPIRE
JULIA STILES DEXTER
SOFIA VERGARA MODERN FAMILY

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

SCOTT CAAN HAWAII FIVE-O
CHRIS COLFER GLEE
CHRIS NOTH THE GOOD WIFE
ERIC STONESTREET MODERN FAMILY
DAVID STRATHAIRN TEMPLE GRANDIN

Scenes I Love: Messiah of Evil

Posted on December 6, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Since we all just watched the season finale of the Walking Dead (you did watch it, didn’t you?), I figured I’d highlight two scenes from one of my favorite “zombie” films, 1973’s Messiah of Evil.

The first scene is one that I never fail to think about whenever I find myself going down to Wal-Mart at 3 in the morning.

The second scene is one that really hits home for me because it takes place in a movie theater. If nothing else, it perfectly illustrates why you should always have a date (preferably a strong one) if you’re going to the movies. As sidenote, the unfortunate actress in this scene was named Joy Bang.