Guilty Pleasure No. 74: Van Helsing (dir by Stephen Sommers)

Posted on January 16, 2025 by Arleigh

What can I say about this 2004 action horror film that can do it justice at just how it perfectly represent what I call a “guilty pleasure”.

Van Helsing by Stephen Sommers (him being at his most Stephen Sommersist) was suppose to be a new action franchise with Hugh Jackman as it’s lead. One must remember that in 2004, Hugh Jackman was still at the height of his popularity as an action star with roles as Wolverine in the X-Men film franchise and, in another guilty pleasure of mine, Swordfish.

This film was suppose to catapult him to the stratosphere and taking the action star role from aging ones such as Arnold Schwarzenneger, Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis. Instead Stephen Sommers reached for that brass ring and failed, but did so with a mish-mash of horror properties blended haphazardly to give us a film that tried to be too much yet also not enough.

Hugh Jackman in the title role was more than game to try and prop up the film’s convoluted plot. Kate Beckinsale was stunning as usual and hamming it up in what I could only guess is here version of a Transylvanian accent. Even Richard Roxbrough in the role of Dracula, miscast as he seem to be in the role, gave a campy and scenery-chewing performance that his performance went past bad and circled back to being entertaining.

Yet, for all its flaws, I actually enjoy Van Helsing for what it was and that was a modern version of those Abbott and Costello mash-up with the Universal horror characters of the 40’s and 50’s. One cannot mistake this film on the same level as Nosferatu (Murnau, Herzog and Eggers versions) and Sommers definitely cannot be mistake for the three auteurs who had their own take on the abovementioned film. But Sommers does make thrilling, though some would say repetitive, action films.

Did I turn my brain off watching Van Helsing?

I sure did, but it still didn’t stop me from being entertained…and I cannot ever sat anything bad about a film with Kate Beckinsale in a tight black-red leather corset. It’s against some sort of law to do so.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasure No. 73: Days of Thunder (dir by Tony Scott)

Posted on January 1, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In 1990’s Days of Thunder, Tom Cruise plays Cole Trickle, a talented but headstrong racecar driver who is recruited by businessman Tim Daland (Randy Quaid) to become a NASCAR champion and to also provide some publicity for Daland’s Chevrolet dealership. Tim convinces Harry Hogge (Robert Duvall) to come out of retirement and serve as Cole’s crew chief. Harry builds cars in his barn and then he talks to them, whispering sweet nothings into their side mirrors. (This happens quite a bit.) Both Cole and Harry have something to prove. Cole has to prove that he’s the best. Harry has to prove, to himself, that an accident that killed one of his driver was not his fault. Harry also has to prove that he’s not insane. That’s not an easy thing to do when you’re always in the barn, talking to a car.

At first, Cole’s rival is Rowdy Burns (Michael Rooker) but, after Rowdy is seriously injured in a crash and told that he will never race again, Rowdy becomes Cole’s closest friend and supporter. With Rowdy off the circuit, Russ Wheeler (Cary Elwes) becomes Cole’s main rival. We know that Russ is a bad guy because he never has a hair out of place and he’s played by Cary Elwes, who for some reason was always cast as the smug bad guy in films like this despite having a rather charming screen presence.

Cole’s love interest is Dr. Claire Lewicki (Nicole Kidman), who is there to help Cole deal with his anger issues and who is surprisingly forgiving of all the times that Cole acts like a complete and total jerk. That happens quite a bit. Cole is a bit of brat but eventually, with the help of everyone around him, he learns how to be a great driver.

The first time I ever saw Days of Thunder, I was pretty dismissive of it. The film was producer and directed by the same people who were behind Top Gun and it pretty much tells the same story, except the jets are replaced with cars and the stakes are a bit less than saving democracy. Like Top Gun, it was a film where Tom Cruise played a character who wants to be the best but who has to learn how to set aside his own ego and take control of his impulsive nature. The first time I saw the film, I shrugged and said that, while Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise had a lot more chemistry than Cruise and Kelly McGillis, it was still nothing that I hadn’t seen before.

But I have to admit that, since then, I’ve rewatched the film a few times. It’s one of those movies that I never specifically seek out but if I see it playing somewhere on cable, I’ll usually watch a bit of it. Some of it is because the race scenes actually are exciting, even if they do get a bit repetitive after a while. Tony Scott was a director who knew how to film action. The other major reason why I often find myself watching Days of Thunder is for the totally over-the-top performances of Robert Duvall and Randy Quaid.

“We looked like a monkey fucking a football out there!” Quaid exclaims, not once but twice. It’s a phrase that doesn’t make the least bit of sense and it’s one of those lines of dialogue that reminds us that Days of Thunder went into production with a script that was being written and rewritten on a daily basis. But Randy Quaid’s delivery is so emphatic that line works despite being totally stupid.

As for Robert Duvall, his performance here is a perfect example of how much fun it can be to watch a legitimately great actor overact. There’s nothing subtle about his performance and I doubt Days of Thunder will ever be a film that shows up when people are talking about the highlights of his legendary career. But when Duvall talks to his car, you believe every minute of it. It’s such a silly scene but Duvall pulls it off like the pro that he is.

Finally, if you’re going to watch a movie about two cocky race car drivers who are constantly taunting each other, wouldn’t you want them to look like Tom Cruise and Cary Elwes? Good lookin’ guys in fast cars, drivin’ around Southern racetracks, what’s not to love?

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasure No. 72: The Canyons (dir by Paul Schrader)

Posted on October 29, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It took me a while to appreciate The Canyons.

In fact, it took me so long to appreciate this film that I’m writing a second review it. I initially reviewed The Canyons way back in 2013, the same year that it was released. I praised Lindsay Lohan’s performance as Tara, an actress who is living with a sociopathic producer named Christian (adult film actor James Deen, who was a bit of a celebrity when this film came out but whose star has dimmed considerably since). I complained that the film was too slow and that director Paul Schrader seemed to be trying too hard to find some sort of existential meaning within Bret Easton Ellis’s pulpy script. Though I didn’t really mention it in my initial review, I also felt that rest of the cast was rather dull. Lohan was great, playing a character to whom she could probably relate. Deen was stiff but oozed enough charm to be believable as the manipulative Christian. The rest of the largely unknown cast came across as being dull and somewhat lost.

Though I was nowhere near as critical of The Canyons as some critics, I still was not initially impressed. I thought of it as being a showcase for Lohan’s attempted comeback and little else. But I have to admit that The Canyons has stuck with me. It’s a film that I’ve rewatched more than a few times. While all of the flaws are still there, I have come to better appreciate the film’s languid decadence. I’ve come to see that there was a bit more wit to both Ellis’s script and Schrader’s direction than I initially realized. James Deen’s performance as Christian has grown on me. I like that he’s a neurotic sociopath. He’s evil but he’s needy and, though he’ll never admit it, he knows that he’ll be nothing if Tara ever leaves him. He’s desperate to be loved but he has no idea how to give that love back.

When I first saw the movie, I thought Nolan Funk, who played Tara’s ex-lover, was a bit dull in the role. Upon subsequent rewatches, I’ve come to see that his dullness is actually very important to the film. Ryan is written to be boring. That’s why Tara is drawn to him. His dullness provides some relief from Christian’s mood swings. But, because Ryan is so boring, he can also never truly take Christian’s place. In the end, Ryan still sells out his integrity, first to get a part and then to obsessively check in on Tara. Ryan and Christian are ultimately revealed to be two sides of the same coin. Ryan may be “the good guy,” but — in a typical Ellis and Schrader twist — there’s nothing likable or even that good about him. One gets the feeling that, if had Christian’s money, he would be just as bad.

You really do find yourself feeling sorry for Tara, who is basically trapped between two men who both want to control her. Lohan’s performance continues to be the strongest things about The Canyons. There’s a lot of courage to Lohan’s performance, courage that goes beyond taking part in the film’s sex scenes. Lohan reveals the vulnerability that’s at the heart of Tara. She’s someone who knows that she needs to escape but she also knows that she’s a creation of Hollywood. Hollywood is her home and her world and it’s hard to imagine her surviving anywhere else. Tara is interesting not because she’s trapped but because, in many ways, she would prefer to be trapped to being free.

The film’s flaws are still there, don’t get me wrong. The Canyons still has a lot of moments that don’t quite work. The opening scene, where Christian, Ryan, Tara, and Gina (Amanda Brooks, whose performance also improves on repeat viewing) have an awkward dinner, is almost laughably bad. (In that opening scene, James Deen delivers his dialogue like Dirk Diggler in Angels Live In my Town.) That said, this is a trashy and colorful movie that does stick with you. You might not want it to stick with you but it does! It’s portrayal of sexual decadence and neurotic Hollywood players is far more entertaining than it has any right to be. It may not be a great film but it is one that’s a bit more interesting than many originally thought.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasure No. 71: Submerged (dir by Fred Olen Ray)

Posted on October 1, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

THUNDERSTRIKE!

Listen, if you’re going to watch the 2000 film Submerged, you better be a big fan of the term “Thunderstrike,” because it’s repeated so many times that one gets the feeling that the actors just loved saying it.

Thunderstrike is a satellite that was built by western businessman Buck Stevens (Dennis Weaver). He and his daughter (Nicole Eggert) and her sort-of boyfriend (Hannes Jaenicke) are all flying to Hawaii so that they can conduct more tests on the Thunderstrike. However, arms dealer Owen Cantrell (Tim Thomerson) wants the Thunderstrike for himself so he sends a mercenary named Jeff Cort (Coolio. Yes, Coolio.) to steal the plans from the airplane. The plan is to kill the pilot, substitute a new pilot, and then crash the plane into the ocean …. which is pretty much what happens, despite the best efforts of heroic CIA agent, Rex Manning (Maxwell Caulfield).

Actually, wait a minute. Maxwell Caulfield’s character is named Jim Carpenter. Well, I don’t care. He’ll always be Rex Manning to me!

While Special Agent Mack Taylor (Brent Huff) tries to stop Cantrell from stealing the Thunderstrike, Captain Masters (Fred Williamson) tries to figure out a way to bring the plane to the surface.

If this sound familiar, it’s because Submerged has the same plot as Airport ’77.

If it looks familiar, it’s because Submerged lifts a lot of footage from Airport ’77, including the scene where the plane crashes, the scene where the plane settles on the ocean floor, and the scene where the plane is lifted off the ocean floor. Even a scene of water pouring into plane is lifted from Airport ’77, which means that the plane in Submerged suddenly has a staircase that no one apparently noticed before.

Submerged was directed by the wonderful Fred Olen Ray and seriously, how can you not love it? Between the cast and the fact that it features all of the best parts of Airport ’77, this is a film for which the term guilty Ppeasure was invented! It helps that the cast, for whatever reason, appears to be taking the film rather seriously. This film was Dennis Weaver’s final screen appearance and he seems to be having a ball playing a cheerful good old boy who can’t wait to put a dangerous satellite in the sky.

Plus, the film features Rex Manning!

Plus, Jack Deth!

Plus, Black Caesar!

Plus …. THUNDERSTRIKE!

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Skipped, Short Film Review by Case Wright, Dir & Written by Faisal Hashmi

Posted on July 18, 2024 by casewright

Hello Beautiful and Intelligent readers, how do I know you’re so smart and beautiful? You’re reading my stuff!!! You know what’s not good- This short film. Like chlamydia at a Senor Frogs in Cancun, this short will stick with you in the worst way! He writes in his bio that he’s an “award-winning independent filmmaker”, but who is in charge of these awards?! Is it like a certificate of participation? Did they owe Faisal Hashmi money? Did Faisal Hashmi see them commit a brutal crime? Sadly, he kept making “films” after this waste of his iPhone memory, on the bright side, his career didn’t take off because- ya know, he sucks at this!

There are a many ways that this short doesn’t even deserve to be used to clean the bathroom floor at Port Authority on a Friday night, but the two that stick out the most to me are that –

The film makes no sense.
It’s boring!

But Case come on, you always say these sci-fi things don’t make sense, well most of the time I’m right! However, to really pull this piece of trash apart like it deserves, I have to go over the terrible story! It’s like Faisal Hashmi is out to hurt me in every way! Did he give me COVID? Where were you Faisal, December 2020??

The story- an office worker has a boring job, but every time he sneezes he blacks out and all of his work is done; purportedly, he travels in time like my Aunt does after Natural Light and Ambien. This is where the story doesn’t make sense. He doesn’t remember the time he lost. He just moves forward. Let’s just skip over the fact that this sort of time travel is impossible without Ambien. Of course, he abuses this “gift” and eventually becomes old. This is not how special relativity works, but I guess looking things up on Wikipedia is TOO MUNDANE for Faisal!

This brings me to my second issue with this film: it’s boring. I understand that being good at anything is hard, right Faisal? Faisal Hashmi, you’re probably terrible at a lot of things- Film is really just the only one we have a digital record of to prove it. Maybe you also suck at volleyball, buying groceries, or tying your shoes? I can’t speak for those other things, but you’re rebuttably presumed to be awful at those things too, but I’ll just stick to this 4 minute and 26 second slice of hell!

Every plot point was so predictable and obvious, it felt as if a short film became a flip book crap version of “Goodnight, Moon”. I hate you Faisal! You, Marcin Dubinek, and Alex Magana are a cabal of terrible art! You create the unholy trinity of film. I even tagged the horror box for this post because that’s what your film is, but not intentionally! Faisal, stop what you’re doing! Try real estate or work for Ticketmaster!

I did provide a link to this unholy thing, if you feel like slowing your life down and embracing death’s touch.

Something Boring This Way Comes!!!!

You should check out my twitter “x” for my other tweets and work (@casewrites).

Guilty Pleasure No. 70: Face The Truth

Posted on May 4, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I am so thankful for YouTube.

Seriously, I had forgotten all about the television show, Face The Truth, until I randomly came across a clip of Vivica A. Fox yelling at a guy who she felt was being disrespectful towards “The Truth Panel.” After coming across the clip, I discovered that the Face The Truth YouTube channel still existed, despite the fact that the show hasn’t aired since 2019. I have now watched several clips, all of which reminded me of of the days when I would watch this misbegotten but oddly entertaining show while working in my office.

Produced by Dr. Phil’s production company, Face The Truth dealt with typical talk show issues. Bickering roommates would come on and talk about how messy the apartment was. Bickering parents would come on and complain about their ungrateful children. Ungrateful children would complain about their selfish parents. Ex-lovers would trash each other’s bedroom skills. Ex-business partners would accuse each other of embezzlement. At the end of each show, they would be told to stand in The Circle of Truth and the audience would vote for who they thought was right.

This show’s gimmick was that, instead of just having one host, it had five. The truth panel was made up of actress Vivica Fox and four women who regularly appeared as correspondents and consultants on Dr. Phil. Dr. Judy Ho was a psychiatrist. Rosie Mercado was a plus-sized model. Areva Martin was an attorney who specialized in family law. Scary Mary was an former judge who yelled at everyone and looked like she probably smoked a pack of cigarettes a day.

What made this show a guilty pleasure? I think what really set this talk show apart from others was just how thoroughly ineffectual the Truth Panel was. Dr. Judy occasionally had some good advice but it was obvious that the other three were mostly there to try to convince Dr. Phil to give them a solo show. The panelists talked over each other. Both Rosie and Areva gave long-winded advice that, more often that not, descended into empty psychobabble. As Scary Mary basically glared at everyone as if she personally resented their existence.

The panel rarely had anything to offer beyond the shallowest of cliches and the guests always seemed to not only pick up on this but also to get pissed off about it. It’s amazing how many of the clips on the show’s official YouTube channel features guests essentially telling the Panel to shut up while Areva and Rosie stare on in stunned silence. Just as Scary Mary hated the guests, they all hated her too. The fact that the guest’s retorts were often funnier and more memorable than Scary Mary’s insults did little to help the Truth Panel’s struggle to maintain some semblance of authority.

Who can forget the woman who stormed off set because “that older white woman doesn’t like black people!” (The older white woman was Scary Mary.) Or how about the ill-tempered guy who accused Mary of aggravating him until Mary finally turned his back on him. “You need to respect the panel,” Rosie Mercado yelled.

Or how about the moment that Scary Mary, while trying to broker peace between feuding friends, used herself as an example. “I might not like these other women but I still have to come to work!” Areva, with an awkward laugh, assured the audience that the member of the Panel all loved each other while Scary Mary dramatically rolled her eyes.

Overseeing all of this was Vivica A. Fox, who sometimes yelled and who often cried depending on the story being told and who always seemed like she deserved better than to have to deal with Scary Mary’s temper tantrums and Dr. Judy’s attempts to give earnest advise while the other panelists mugged for the camera. It was The Wrong Talk Show. But it was fascinating in a train-wreck sort of way. You watched to see which panelist would give the worst advise and which guest would be the first to tell Rosie that she didn’t know what she was talking about. It was all so openly ineffectual that Face the Truth felt like a break from talk shows that were always edited (or scripted, in many cases) to make their host look all-knowing and wise. Face the Truth was a complete mess. Indeed, it was so messy that it made me feel less guilty about my own not particular stellar track record when it comes to trying to give good advice.

As with most of the shows that he’s produced, Dr. Phil hyped the Hell out of Face the Truth until it actually premiered and tanked in the ratings. After that, Phil never mentioned the show again. Face The Truth premiered in September of 2018 and it was canceled six months later, avoiding the COVID pandemic by a year. It’s forgotten today …. or it would be if not for YouTube.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasure No. 69: Shocking Dark (dir by Bruno Mattei)

Posted on October 30, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1989’s Shocking Dark opens with shots of my favorite Italian city, Venice! Unfortunately, a voice-over informs us that, due to the rising sea levels, Venice will no longer be inhabitable in the near future and instead, most of it will be underwater by the year 2000.

(For the record, everything seemed fine when I was there. I went to Italy the summer after I graduated from high school and I absolutely loved Venice. My first night in Venice, there was a thunderstorm and I can still remember standing underneath an awning while it rained and watching as the lightening was reflected in the waters of the Venice canals.)

Something strange has happened at one of Venice’s undersea labs. The scientists who were working on a top secret project have almost all disappeared and the only known survivor is ranting like a maniac. The Tubular Corporation arranges for a group of Megaforce Marines (seriously, that’s what their called) to enter the lab and discover what has happened. The Megaforce Marines, which include a tough-talking woman from New York and a joke-making hick from down South, claim that there is nothing they haven’t been trained to handle.

The marines may start out cocky but they soon find themselves being attacked by metallic monsters that nest inside of their victims and appear to be unstoppable. The only survivor of the monster’s attack is a young girl named Samantha (Dominica Coulson) who bonds with Sara (Haven Tyler), a member of the expedition. The marines also discover that a member of the expedition is actually a killer robot who has been sent by the Tubular Corporation to protect its interests.

Does all of this sound familiar? Like a lot of Italian horror films, Shocking Dark was released under several different titles. Here’s a few of them: Terminator II, Shocking Dark — Terminator 2, Aliens 2, Alienator, and Contanimator. Shocking Dark sold itself as being a sequel to every successful film that James Cameron had directed up until that point and it did so despite the fact that Cameron had nothing to do with the film. (Indeed, Terminator 2: Judgement Day came out two years after the release of Shocking Dark.) Shocking Dark rips off both Aliens and The Terminator, with the first half of the film being dominated by the tough-talking Marines and the second half being dominated by a relentless cyborg killer. Even by the standards of the Italian film industry, Shocking Dark is utterly shameless in the way it blatantly rips off Cameron’s two previous films.

Not surprisingly the film was directed by Bruno Mattei and written by Claudio Fragasso, a pair who made a very lucrative career out of making cheap versions of expensive American sci-fi and horror films. (Fragasso would go on to achieve his own immortality by directing Troll 2.) As with many of the Mattei/Fragasso collaborations, the dialogue is crude, profane, and fequently nonsensical. (Fragasso’s idea of writing like an American was to have the characters randomly insult and threaten each other.) The plot has an appealingly ramshackle feel. Towards the end of the film, two characters just happen to stumble across a time machine because …. hey, why not!? At least it allowed for a few scenes to be shot in what was then modern-day Venice.

As with many of the Mattei/Fragasso collaborations, the saving grace here is that Bruno Mattei directs with the confident swagger of someone who truly believes that he can rip-off James Cameron with half the budget and come up with something better than either Terminator or Aliens. The fact that Mattei fails to better either of those films is beside the point. What’s important is that Mattei seems to believe that he has. Mattei’s direction is shameless and unapologetic and, as a result, the film is far more watchable than perhaps it should be. It’s a film that the viewer enjoys, even though they might not want to.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasure: Blood Harvest (dir by Bill Rebane)

Posted on October 23, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In 1987’s Blood Harvest, college student Jill Robinson (Itonia Salochek) returns to her hometown in rural Wisconsin and discovers that there have been some changes.

For one thing, the local farmers are struggling and the bank is foreclosing on their land. Since Jill’s father is the president of the bank, people are not particularly happy to see her in town. (One farmer spits at her.) When Jill arrives at her parents home, she discovers insulting graffiti on the exterior and a strawman hanging in the front corridor. Even more upsetting, her parents are nowhere to be found!

Jill goes to see Sheriff Buckley (Frank Benson) about the graffiti but when they go back out to Jill’s house, both the graffiti and the strawman have vanished. The sheriff tells Jill not both him anymore and then leaves her alone at her home. Most people would probably panic about this but not Jill! Instead, Jill hangs out with her childhood friend, Gary (Dean West).

Gary’s has had a tough time of it recently. His parents recently died mysteriously and he now takes care of his brother, Mervon (played by 60s folk singer Tiny Tim). Gary and Mervon are an oddly matched pair of siblings. For one thing, Gary appears to be no older than 20 while Mervon is in his late 60s. Gary looks like a fresh-faced jock. Mervon has long stringy hair, speaks in a falsetto voice, and always wears clown makeup. Mervon, who prefers to be called The Magnificent Merv, also likes to sing about how Gary and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. As for Gary, he is disappointed to hear that Jill not only has a boyfriend at college but that she’s also engaged to him. It doesn’t help that Jill keeps saying stuff like, “If my father hadn’t caught us that time, it could have been you and me getting married!”

While Jill’s parents remain missing, she is visited by her boyfriend (Peter Krause, making his film debut) and her best friend, Sarah (Lori Minnetti). Because Jill isn’t particularly smart, she doesn’t notice when both her boyfriend and her BFF are dragged over to her family’s barn and brutally killed. (Jill does eventually start to worry about the whereabouts of her boyfriend but it’s not like Sheriff Buckley is going to help her….) Who is the person who is not only murdering Jill’s friend but also frequently drugging her and undressing her so he can take pictures? Well, there’s only two suspects and the scare scenes are so clumsily staged that you’ll see the killer’s face long before you were probably meant to.

Blood Harvest was directed by Bill Rebane, the Wisconsin-based filmmaker behind The Giant Spider Invasion and The Demons of Ludlow. (Ludlow even gets a shout-out.) It’s a typical Rebane film, with all of the inconsistent acting and incoherent plotting that he is typically known for. At the same time, it’s also a film that’s a bit more interesting that one might expect just from the plot description. There’s an interesting political subtext to Jill’s father being the banker who is responsible for the decline of Jill’s hometown and one gets the feeling that Rebane shared the anger of the film’s famers when it came to banks foreclosing on people’s land. One could never doubt Rebane’s love of rural Wisconsin and, even though the film itself is a bit grainy, the countryside looks lovely. Finally, I have to admit that I could actually relate to Jill, both in her desire to escape country living and her dislike of wearing pants while at home.

That said, the main attraction for most people will be the very odd screen presence of Tiny Tim, who gives a surprisingly earnest performance as poor old Mervo. Everyone may think Mervo’s crazy because of the makeup he wears but he is a clown who is definitely crying on the inside.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasure No. 67: Aerobicide (dir by David A. Prior)

Posted on October 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It doesn’t get more 80s than 1987’s Aerobicide, a rather ludicrous slasher film that is also known as Killer Workout.

The clients and the staff at Rhonda’s Work-Out are in danger. People are being murdered inside the gym, left and right. One member of the gym is slashed to death in the showers. Another one is beaten to death with a barbell while his friend is killed with a very large safety pin. One instructors ends up hanging in a closet while another is stabbed to death in a locker room. A group of teens show up to spray graffiti on the outside of the club and they all end up getting murdered as well.

Most people would assume that, with all of those murders going on, that the place would be closed down or, at the very least, people would stop frequenting the gym. But no, the opposite happens. Every murder is followed by an aerobics class, in which the camera shamelessly lingers on the lycra-clad participants, none of whom seem to be particularly concerned about working out at a crime scene. ( If your body’s looking too big, one of the film’s many songs tells us, Like a hippo or a pig/ Gotta workout/ gotta work out….) The gym’s owner, Rhonda Johnson (Marica Karr), doesn’t seem to be particularly concerned about the gym getting a bad reputation as a result of all the murders. Instead, she’s more annoyed with her surviving instructors, snapping at one, “Stop showing off your tits and that tight little ass!” Personally, I would think looking good would be a top priority for someone working at a gym but apparently, Rhonda feels differently.

(Then again, if people were being murdered at my gym, I’d probably cancel my membership, despite the fact that my gym is only a few blocks away from my house and most of the people who go there are relatively cool. That said, the main reason why I signed up for a membership was so my sister could get a discount on her membership fees. Personally, I prefer running.)

Even if Rhonda refuses to close the gym, you would think that Lt. Morgan (David James Campbell) would make sure that the gym had a full-time police presence. Eventually, Morgan does assign one policeman to watch the gym but that’s only after several murders have already occurred and that one policeman’s presence doesn’t really do much good. Then again, Lt. Morgan never comes across as being a particularly good cop. Morgan is spectacularly bad at his job, which wouldn’t be a huge problem if not for the fact that Morgan is also the hero of the film. Eventually, he does figure out that the murders are connected to a tragic tanning bed accident but it’s hard to say how exactly he managed to do that. Rather than actually showing us Lt. Morgan gathering clues and drawing conclusions, the film just has him randomly blurt stuff out.

It’s all pretty ridiculous but, because the film is such a film of it’s time, it’s also rather fascinating. Killer Workout may not have been the only or even the first film to combine Flashdance with slasher chills but it is the first one to feature a song with lyrics like, “It’s the perfect body you’re looking for/it’s aerobocide.” This is one of those films where you come for the big hair and the 80s fashions and the bass-heavy score and you stay for the ludicrous plot twists, the overacting, the overheated dialogue, and the out-of-nowhere plot twists that dominate the film’s final 30 minutes. It’s not necessarily a “good” film but I defy anyone to look away once it begins.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasure No.66: Cloverfield (dir Matt Reeves)

Posted on October 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Let’s just be honest, here. In many ways, 2008’s Cloverfield is a remarkably stupid film.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. It’s an entertaining film. It’s a fun film. It’s a film that I’ve seen a few times and I usually enjoy it whenever I see it. But it’s still a film about someone who refuses to stop filming, even in the middle of an alien invasion. It makes sense, of course, that Hud Platt (T.J. Miller) would want to film the going away party that’s being held for his friend Rob (Michael Stahl-David). But why would Hud keep holding onto that camcorder even after the aliens invade and New York starts to explode all around him? There are several moments in the film where it’s obvious that the camera is slowing Hud and his friends down. The easiest thing to do would be to drop the camcorder and run to safety. I mean, it’s not like the destruction of New York by aliens is going to be lost to history if Hud doesn’t film it. But instead, Hud not only keeps filming but, for all the shaky cam effects and the heaving breathing of people running for their lives, Hud still somehow manages to capture every important event on camera.

In many ways, the film epitomizes everything that tends to drive people crazy about the found footage genre but Cloverfield is an undeniably fun movie. I mean, there’s a scene where the head of the Statue of Liberty is literally tossed into the middle of the street. It’s such an over-the-top moment that it’s impossible not to love it and, to be honest, the fact that Hud manages to hold the camera still enough to perfectly capture the image of Lady Liberty’s head crashing to the ground is kind of cool. The film follows a group of friends as they try to make their way across New York City to try to rescue Rob’s girlfriend Beth (Odette Yustman) before then evacuating the city and there’s something rather exciting about the sight of this small group of people continually moving in the opposite direction of the crowd around them. While everyone else runs away from danger, our heroes move straight into it, even though none of them are exactly action heroes. They’re nerdy hipsters on a mission and, even though you know from the start that they’re all doomed, it’s hard not to kind of love them. The film’s final moments carry more an emotional punch than you might normally expect from a found footage alien invasion film.

That said, if the aliens do come and they are literally tearing apart the Statue of Liberty before your very eyes, there’s no shame in putting down the camera and running. In fact, if there’s any lesson to be learned from Cloverfield, it’s that sometimes, it’s best just to run for it.