Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Cleveland Abduction (dir by Alex Kalymnios)

Posted on November 17, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I finished up Ominous, it was time to deal with Cleveland Abduction. Why was it something that I had to “deal with?” Well, I originally watched Cleveland Abduction when it was broadcast on Lifetime way back in May. I meant to review it when I originally watched it but, every time I sat down to write about this movie, I just couldn’t. Just thinking about the movie and the true story that inspired it was too overwhelming and upsetting. Cleveland Abduction is one of the most disturbing and depressing (and yet also inspiring) movies that I’ve ever seen. It’s certainly the most emotionally intense film to ever be made for Lifetime.

A friend of mine actually told me that she could only watch 15 minutes of Cleveland Abduction and then had to stop because she didn’t want the film’s ugliness to get inside her head. And I don’t blame her. Cleveland Abduction is an ugly film about three young women who were kidnapped, held prisoner, and repeatedly raped by an evil man. The film does not flinch from showing the details of their ordeal and it is all the more disturbing for being based on a true story.

I don’t know if I believe in demons or possession or anything like that but I do know that Ariel Castro was an evil man. Castro, a school bus driver and wannabe musician, abducted Michelle Knight, Gina DeJesus, and Amanda Berry off the streets of Cleveland. For 11 years, he held them prisoner in his filthy house. (Disturbingly, some of Castro’s neighbors actually saw the girls in the house but refused to get involved.) Rather than face a jury and spend the rest of his life as imprisoned as the three women he held captive in his house, Castro committed suicide in his jail cell.

The film centers on Castro’s first known victim, single mother Michelle Knight (a poignant performance from Taryn Manning, who perfectly captures Michelle’s quiet strength). Castro (played, in properly brutal fashion, by Raymond Cruz) runs into Michelle while she’s walking to court to try to win custody of her son. Castro offers her a ride and Michelle agrees. Castro takes her back to his house and her 11-year nightmare begins.

And it’s not easy to watch, nor should it be. The film doesn’t shy away from showing what Michelle and, eventually, the other two victims went through. Spending her days either handcuffed or in a locked bedroom, Michelle’s only escape comes from thinking about her son. When the other two girls are abducted, Michelle comforts them and help them to remain strong. Meanwhile, on the outside, the police assume that Michelle has just run away from her old life and they refuse to even look for her.

It’s ugly and disturbing and difficult and infuriating to watch. As I watched, I continually asked myself if I would be able to survive if I ever found myself in the same situation. I always like to assume that, since I always have pepper spray and I’m a fairly god runner, nobody would ever be able to abduct me but, as I sit here couch-bound with a sprained foot, I know that it’s never that simple. I also like to assume that I could be as strong as Michelle Knight. Hopefully, I’ll never have to find out.

But here’s the thing — as disturbing and nightmarish as this film has to be — it’s ultimately a very inspiring film. For all the ugliness, Cleveland Abduction is ultimately a film about survival and tribute to the strength, courage, and sisterhood of Michelle Knight, Gina DeJesus, and Amanda Berry. Based on Michelle’s book and featuring a compelling lead performance from Taryn Manning, Cleveland Abduction is not an easy film to watch but it is one that should be watched.

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Ominous (dir by Peter Sullivan)

Posted on November 17, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I finished writing my review of Lavalantula, it was time to bitch about my sprained foot to anyone who would listen. After that, it was time to have dinner and then it was time to lay on the couch and try to get some rest and finally, after all that, I got back to the task of cleaning out my DVR. The film that I ended up watching was Ominous, a SyFy film which was originally broadcast on October 10th.

Ominous opens with recovering alcoholic Michael Young (played by Barry Watson) putting his car into reverse and promptly running over his six year-old son, Jacob (Gavin Lewis). Michael and his wife, Rachel (Esme Bianco), rush Jacob to the hospital but it’s too late. Jacob dies. Later, as they’re driving back from the funeral, Rachel demands to know if Michael was drunk when he ran over Jacob. Michael says that he wasn’t drinking and that it was just an accident and then, as if to prove that he really is the worst driver in the world, Michael promptly runs over a dog.

When they arrive home, a man is waiting for them. Known only as The Stranger (and played, in properly sinister style, by Mark Lindsay Chapman), the man says that he can bring Jacob back to life. All Michael and Rachel have to do is dig up their son and bring his body back to the house. And then, to prove his point, the Stranger brings the dog back to life.

So, of course, Michael and Rachel go out to the cemetery and dig up Jacob. They bring him back to the house. The next morning, Jacob is suddenly alive. Yay! Of course, Jacob promptly re-kills the dog, which is our first clue that Jacob is not quite himself.

We then jump forward a few months. The Youngs have moved to a new town and appear to be living as normal a life as you can when your six year-old son is demon-possessed hellspawn. (Actually, he’s the Antichrist and don’t even pretend like that was a spoiler.) Michael fears his son, especially after Jacob has a seizure in church and causes a priest to burst into flames. Rachel continues to make excuses for her son, even when he does stuff like summon a sudden dust storm that manages to kill everyone on a playground.

There’s a scene early on in the film in which Jacob asks his mother if they can get a cat.

“I don’t think so,” Rachel replies, “Daddy’s allergic.”

“What about when Daddy’s dead?” Jacob cheerfully asks.

That scene pretty much tells you everything you need to know about Ominous. This is an unapologetically over-the-top demon child film, one that doesn’t make much sense but which is never boring. It’s easy to recognize which films are being ripped off — The Omen, The Visitor, The Birds — but the film is so shameless in its thievery that it’s easy to be forgiving. Is Ominous a rip-off or an homage? How about both?

Barry Watson actually does a pretty good job as a recovering alcoholic and his performance is reminiscent of some of Patrick Muldoon’s better work. Mark Lindsay Chapman is properly intimidating as the Stranger. Full of gore, melodrama, metaphysical posturing, and children with creepy demon eyes, Ominous is more entertaining than you might expect.

Adventures in Cleaning Out the DVR: Lavalantula (dir by Mike Mendez)

Posted on November 17, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The SyFy film Lavalantula opens in Los Angeles and we immediately know what that means. If it’s a day of the week ending with a y, it means that Los Angeles is about to attacked by some sort of giant monster. In this case, it’s due to a series of volcanic eruptions that lead to a swarm of gigantic, fire-breathing tarantulas being released into California.

Now, if Schwarzenegger was still governor of California, these spiders probably wouldn’t have been much of a problem. But have you seen the current governor of California? Seriously, I take one look at Jerry Brown and my first thought is that he’s not someone I would call if I needed someone to come over and kill a giant spider for me. I just wouldn’t. Sorry, Jerry.

(Incidentally, y’all love to make fun of people in Texas for loving guns but when was the last time we had a giant spider invasion get out of hand like the one in Lavalantula?)

When the spiders do show up and promptly start burning Los Angelenos alive, the police, the military, and the fire department all prove to be pretty much useless. Fortunately, L.A. is also the home of the film industry and, as has always happened whenever America has faced a monster-related crisis, the unsung heroes of the movie industry are willing to step up and save the day. Actor Colton West (Steve Guttenberg) may not know much about spiders. And, as we’re told at the start of the film, it’s been a while since he had a hit movie. But none of that matters. All that matters is that, back in the day, Colton starred in enough action movies that he now has a unique set of skills that can be used to defeat giant, fire-breathing tarantulas.

Of course, while saving California, Colton also has to save his wife, Olivia (Nia Peeples) but fortunately, Olivia is totally capable of kicking ass on her own. In fact, the entire film industry is shown to be capable of kicking ass, as Colton recruits the crew from his latest movie to help him save Los Angeles.

(Ian Ziering also pops up for a funny cameo. He can’t help Colton save Los Angeles becase he’s too busy trying to save the rest of the country from flying sharks. It’s a cute scene that works a lot better than you might think.)

Now, I have to admit that when I went to the DVR to track down and rewatch Lavalantula, I was shocked to discover that I didn’t record Lavalantula when it originally aired on July 25th! Usually, I both watch and record but, in the case of Lavalantula, I just watched. This review has been written from memory but that’s okay because Lavalantula‘s an extremely memorable film. Much like director Mike Mendez’s previous giant monster film — the beloved Big Ass Spider — Lavalantula is an enjoyably over-the-top B-movie that succeeds because, while it never takes itself too seriously, it does take itself just seriously enough to remain interesting. It expertly walks the fine line between tribute and parody. Regardless of how silly the film may get, the entire cast brings a lot of commitment to their roles and the end result is a genuinely fun movie.

One final sidenote: Apparently, this film was full of inside jokes about the Police Academy franchise. Having never seen any of the Police Academy films, I have to admit that the majority of the references probably went right over my head. I did, however, recognize Michael Winslow, the guy who does all the sound effects. He was one of the heroic crew people and he did a damn good job protecting California.

In fact, they all did.

Thank you, Hollywood.

Adventures in Cleaning out the DVR: Dangerous Company (dir by Sheldon Larry)

Posted on November 17, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Continuing in my efforts to clean out the DVR (as well as post a review of every single film that premiere on Lifetime, LMN, or the SyFy network this year), I just watched Dangerous Company. Dangerous Company originally aired on LMN on August 15th, 2015.

Alicia Leigh Willis plays Pauline, the CEO of Wendy Blue Fashion. Pauline inherited the company from her mother, who, years earlier, died of dementia. Pauline took care of her mother in her final days and still resents the fact that her sister, Deanna (Susan Slome), was not there to help. Pauline also lives in fear that she will someday follow in her mother’s footsteps.

At the movie begins, it appears that Pauline’s fears may be coming true. She is frequently forgetful and keeps losing her cell phone. Her husband, Aaron (Rick Ravenello), has to frequently remind her what their nightly plans are. Eventually, her assistant — Elizabeth (Melissa Marty) — confesses that she’s been covering up a lot of Pauline’s mistakes. When Pauline starts to tell Elizabeth about her mother, Elizabeth reveals that Pauline has told her this story many times in the past.

Finally, when Pauline goes to see a doctor (David Alan Graf), she suddenly freaks out in the examining room and, when a man claiming to be her husband shows up to pick her up, the terrified Pauline claims that she does not know who he is. Finally, she’s given a sedative and, when she wakes up, Aaron tells her that the man she didn’t recognize was him.

And, at first, both Aaron and Elizabeth seem to be so concerned and helpful but, as the movie progresses, you start to wonder about both of them. They are both just a little bit too eager for Pauline to say in bed and remove herself from running the company. Whenever Pauline says that she’s okay, Aaron replies with, “Your mother used to say that.” And then, of course, there’s a controversial business proposal that will result in Wendy Blue Fashion shipping jobs overseas. Aaron is all for it. Pauline is opposed.

(WAY TO STAND UP FOR AMERICA, PAULINE! USA! USA! USA!)

For the first hour or so, Dangerous Company keeps you guessing. Is Pauline really suffering from dementia or is this all just an elaborate Gaslight-like plot? Alicia Leigh Willis does a great job portraying Pauline’s fear and confusion and director Sheldon Larry keeps the viewers off-balance. Of course, since this is a Lifetime movie, we shouldn’t be shocked to discover that it all actually is a plot to steal Pauline’s company but still, Dangerous Company is very good at doing what it does.

Incidentally, my favorite character was Elizabeth, the duplicitous administrative assistant. I’ve always been of the opinion that all of us office administrators could secretly rule the country if we wanted to and I have to give full props to Elizabeth for proving me right! You go, girl!

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (dir by A.B. Stone)

Posted on November 15, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I finished watching Stolen Daughter, I decided to take a break from watching Lifetime films. So, for my next DVRed movie, I watched Lake Placid vs. Anaconda. Lake Placid vs. Anaconda premiered on the SyFy Channel on April 25th. It was the first original SyFy film of the year and so, of course, my friends, the Snarkalecs, and I had to watch and record it.

Lake Placid vs. Anaconda is a bit of a tribute to such classic monster movies as King Kong vs. Godzilla and … well, any other movie where Godzilla ended up fighting another big monster. In this case, it’s a battle between the giant crocodiles from the Lake Placid films and the giant snakes from the Anaconda films. However, it’s not really much of a battle. The crocodiles don’t really meet the snakes until the last 20 minutes of the film and the battle pretty much ends in a draw.

Instead, the majority of the film deals with the typical collection of SyFy character types trying to escape from the beach and surrounding wilderness without getting devoured. There’s a group of sorority girls, all of whom are basically slaves to the hilariously bitchy Tiffani (Laura Dale, who appears to be having a lot of fun with her role). There’s the tough, no-nonsense Sheriff (Yancy Butler), who always seems to be on the verge of declaring that she’s “too old for this …. shit!” There’s the forest ranger (Corin Nemec) who is trying to rescue his daughter, who happens to be one of the sorority girls.

My favorite group, however, was a group of mercenaries hired by Sarah Murdoch (Annabel Wright), the evil CEO of Wexel Pharmaceuticals. Sarah is so evil that she even talks about her evil plans while casually undressing in front of her subordinates. Now, I have to be honest. I have sat through this movie twice and I’m still not quite sure what Sarah’s evil plan actually was. It involved a blood orchid and capturing an anaconda. But, regardless of what the actual scheme was, Sarah and the mercenaries were so melodramatic that it was impossible not to be entertained by them.

Anyway, Lake Placid vs. Anaconda takes way too long to get the creatures on screen together and the final battle is a bit of a let down. Fortunately, however, Robert Englund is there to joyfully chew up all the scenery until the crocodiles and the snakes arrive. Englund is playing a crocodile hunter. He drinks too much, he talks too much, and he’s missing an eye, a leg, and an arm. Englund appears to be having a lot of fun playing the role and he’s the best thing in the movie.

Lake Placid vs. Anaconda really can’t compare to any of the excellent shark films that would later premiere on SyFy in July but it’s worth seeing for Annabel Wright and Robert Englund.

Film Review: Trancers II (1991, dir. Charles Band)

Posted on November 15, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Well, it sure took them a long time to get back to this series. Actually, they did shoot a sequel before this, but I’ll get to that one after I finish the main releases. This one picks up six years after the events of the first one. In that one we left Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) and Lena Deth (Helen Hunt) in the past of Los Angeles. We also got a short sequel bait at the end in the form of McNulty in his female ancestor’s little girl body. For this installment they appear to have gotten back just about every single person of consequence.

Jack and Lena Deth

Art LaFleur as McNulty in future

Biff Manard as Hap Ashby

Even Telma Hopkins returns as Raines and she was barely in the movie.

The setup here is that Hap Ashby got clean and made a bunch of money in commodity speculation. He needs it since he has taken up the hobby of collecting firetrucks. Jack and Lena live with Ashby on his estate. Whistler’s brother is in the past so that means more Trancers are on their way. McNulty is going to go back in time again into his ancestor along with a time machine. The idea is to bring Jack back to the future with Whistler’s brother in tow. Jack’s body in the future is unsuitable to come back to so he needs to return in his new body. There you go, sequel!

Before I continue, take a look at those screenshots. They do those close portrait shots of the actors a lot in this movie. My guess is not that they couldn’t get the actors in the same place all the time, but that they thought that might happen. As a result, they used that consistently throughout just in case the situation arose. Enter the Trancers!

That’s when one more actor makes a return. Not sure how, but seven years or so after the production of the original Trancers, they got Alyson Croft to reprise her role as McNulty’s ancestor. I think I enjoyed her performance in this movie the most. I love her entrance into the film. She shows up having some trouble riding a bike before falling over.

However, while McNulty may have trouble riding a bike, he apparently has no issues putting on makeup.

This is when one more little important piece of information is dropped on us. In the first film we found out that Jack’s wife was killed by a Trancer. However, in this one we find out that someone was sent back to shortly before she died. They sent her consciousness back in time so that this movie can have some funny scenes between Jack and his two wives.

This is Alice Stillwell played by Megan Ward. You see, while Jack got sent back into the body of Philip Deth shortly after having sex and McNulty ended up in a pretty and funny young girl, Jack’s wife ended up in the body of a mental patient. And not just a mental patient anywhere either.

That’s Whistler’s brother who goes by the name Dr. Wardo played by the late Richard Lynch. And he has a sidekick.

Honestly, if the credits hadn’t told me that was Jeffrey Combs, then I could have easily missed that fact. I really have no idea what Lynch and Combs are up to in this movie. It doesn’t matter. Jack needs to rescue his wife and kill Lynch. It’s that simple.

The long second makes a return! Jack makes good use of it to singe some Trancers. He then comforts three ladies who saw the Trancers disappear by telling them it’s okay because they’re biodegradable. The lines in this just aren’t as good as the first one. Alice also uses the long second to hide the time machine after she finds it. It’s not important why it’s near her. It’s for the same reasons why she is even in this movie. It’s convenient for the plot.

Meanwhile, Alyson Croft continues to be the funniest person in this movie, which is humorous considering Helen Hunt would go on to do Mad About You and Tim Thomerson was once a standup comedian.

Jack shows up and rescues Alice while they are moving her. There’s a short exchange where she says he’s the only man she’s slept with, she passes out, and he’s says it wasn’t that bad. Kinda funny, but nothing in this movie is as memorable as lines like “Beef? You mean like from a cow?” or “I’m from another time, another world. I don’t even know what you people eat for lunch.”, which were in the first film.

There’s some screwball stuff here between Jack, Lena, and Alice, but who really cares. Trancers show up, Ashby starts drinking again, and Alyson Croft continues to be funny.

Now our four Musketeers set out to take down Lynch and Combs. But first we get a cameo appearance by one of director Charles Band’s other movies.

I’ll probably review that eventually. The only really important plot point left here is that Jack is going to have to send Alice back in the time machine since otherwise she’ll die shortly after returning to her body. I say it’s time for highlights.

The good guys win in a final showdown with Lynch, Combs, and their henchmen. Jack sends Alice back to the future in the time machine after a parting kiss. McNulty returns to his body to inform Raines that Jack has a new home in the past. Then Jack and Lena kiss just like at the end of the first movie.

But unlike the end of the first movie, there’s no hint at a sequel here. However, they must have changed their minds because there are five more films in this franchise. This one was definitely a step down from the first. Honestly, I really only recommend it if you are a big fan of the first like I am. We’ll see what’s next for Jack Deth in Trancers III (1992).

Adventures In Cleaning Out The DVR: Stolen Daughter (dir by Jason Bourque)

Posted on November 15, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I finished watching Lost Boy earlier today, I realized that it was time to rewatch and review Stolen Daughter. Stolen Daughter originally had its Lifetime premiere on July 26th. I watched it and, if I remember correctly, I had a lot of fun live-tweeting it. So, why hadn’t I reviewed Stolen Daughter up until this point? The final week of July was not an easy one for me. The world seemed angry (this was the same week that Cecil the Lion was killed in Zimbawe), I was dreading the idea of getting older, and — briefly — I was too overwhelmed by all the angst to write. It happens.

But anyway, enough about me and my obsessive personality! Let’s talk about Stolen Daughter!

As Stolen Daughter opens, Martha Dixel (Rachel Hayward) is on the verge of being released from prison. After shooting the drunk driver who killed both her husband and her daughter, Martha was convicted of manslaughter. She’s been both a model inmate and psychiatric patient and, now that she’s been paroled, she has no intention of ever returning to prison. However, the world is not quite ready to accept Martha’s freedom. As she leaves prison, she is greeted by people protesting her release. Then, after dealing with all that, Martha is struck by a van.

As a result of getting hit by that van, a dazed Martha now believes that both her husband and her daughter are still alive. After the driver gets out to check on her, Martha steals his van. After driving around for a while, Martha thinks that she sees her daughter at a local playground. Drawing a gun, Martha kidnaps her “daughter” and, after tossing her into the van, drives off to meet up with her “husband.”

Of course, the teenage girl who Martha had kidnapped is not her daughter. Instead, her name is Sarah Wilkins (Sarah Dugdale) and she is the daughter of Stacy Wilkins (Andrea Roth). Stacy happens to be a police detective and, as soon as she learns that her daughter has been kidnapped, Stacy demands to be put on the case.

However, Stacy has demons of her own. She had been on psychiatric leave after being involved in a hostage situation that led to the hostage being killed in front of her and has only recently returned to active duty. As a result, the condescending detective who has been put in charge of the case — a real prick named Barker (Josh Byer, who has appeared in several other films directed by Stolen Daughter‘s director, Jason Bourque) — refuses to let Stacy anywhere near the investigation.

And so, working on her own, Stacy tries to track down her daughter. Meanwhile, Sarah has to figure out how to keep the increasingly unstable Martha from snapping even further.

There are literally hundreds of Lifetime films that center around kidnapped daughters but what sets Stolen Daughter apart is that Martha is a much more complex character than we traditionally expect to find in these movies. When we first meet Martha, it’s impossible not to feel sympathy for her. Even after she gets hit by that van and kidnaps Sarah, the film makes it clear that Martha is not in control of what she’s doing. As the film progresses, Martha becomes more and more unstable and we start to realize just how dangerous she actually is. Even though she’s frightening by the end of Stolen Daughter, you still can’t help but feel for her.

Sarah Dugdale’s had a pretty busy year on both the Lifetime and SyFy networks. Not only has she had to deal with a Sorority Murder but she also found herself trapped in The Hollow and was one of the Sugarbabies. She did a good job in those movies and she does a good job here as well. Finally, Andrea Roth totally kicks ass in the role of Stacy. Check out the scene where she beats up a guy while searching for daughter. I am so totally going to learn how to do that!

Stolen Daughter was directed by Jason Bourque, who has been responsible for some of the more entertaining movies to show up on both Lifetime and the SyFy network over the past two years. Along with writing my favorite SyFy film, End of the World, he also directed a film, called Black Fly, that I think everyone should see.

One good thing about Lifetime is that they reshow all of their movies like a hundred times. So, keep an eye out for Stolen Daughter.

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Lost Boy (dir by Tara Miele)

Posted on November 15, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After watching River Raft Nightmare, it was time to finish watching Lost Boy. I say finish because, if I am remembering correctly, I actually watched the first hour when Lost Boy had its Lifetime premiere on July 25th. However, after 60 minutes, I turned over to SyFy and I watched Lavalantula. At the time, I probably said, “I’ll finish watching this on the DVR.” And it only took me 3 months to get around to it!

Lost Boy opens with every parent’s worst nightmare. Six year-old Mitchell Harris is flying a kite in the park when he’s abducted. Eleven years later, Mitchell is still missing but his mother, Laura (Virginia Madsen), is convinced that he’s still out there. She continues to put up flyers and, every time the police call to ask her to identify another body, Laura fears that it will turn out to be her son.

In the 11 years since Mitchell vanished, Laura has become a successful and influential advocate for missing persons but it’s come at the cost of her family. She is separated from her husband, Greg (Mark Valley). When Greg’s new girlfriend, Amanda (Carly Pope), gets pregnant, Greg asks Laura to finalize the divorce. Laura is hesitant, not wanting to end their marriage while Mitchell might still be out there and looking for them. For his part, Greg seems to have moved on and accepted that his son his dead. Meanwhile, Mitchell’s twin sister, Summer (Sosie Bacon), deals with her guilt and anger by rebelling.

(It wouldn’t be a Lifetime movie without a rebellious teenage daughter.)

One night, a 17 year-old boy (Matthew Fahey) emerges from the shadows and stares at one of Laura’s flyers. Soon, the boy shows up at the high school, watching Summer. And then, one night, the boy suddenly appears at Laura’s front door. When Laura sees him, she is immediately convinced that Mitchell has returned home.

But has he? Both Greg and Amanda are suspicious of “Mitchell.” For one thing, Mitchell doesn’t seem to have many clear memories of his family. As well, he refuses to tell anyone who kidnapped him or where he’s been. He encourages Summer and his younger brother, Jonathan (Jacob Buster), to do dangerous things and then threatens to hurt them if they tell on him. Though Mitchell makes a big show of having nightmares about his ordeal, he’s actually awake while he’s tossing and turning.

Perhaps most damning of all, when Mitchell, Greg, and Jonathan take a DNA test, Mitchell switches his DNA with Jonathan’s and again threatens to kill Jonathan…

So, yes, it’s pretty obvious that Mitchell is not who he says he is. However, whenever anyone points out how strangely he’s acting, Laura makes excuses for him. She’s so happy to have her son back that she’s willing to overlook all of the inconsistencies in his story. Or, at the very least, she is until she finds out that Mitchell has been threatening Jonathan. But, by that point, Greg is convinced that Mitchell is his son and now, suddenly, he’s the one who is making excuses for him…

I liked Lost Boy, even if it did ultimately get somewhat predictable. Moodily shot and featuring an excellent lead performance from Virginia Madsen, Lost Boy made me wonder what I would do if I ever found myself in a similar situation. Hopefully, I won’t ever have to find out.

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: River Raft Nightmare (dir by Fred Olen Ray)

Posted on November 15, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hi there! As I write this, I am couch-bound with what I’m pretty sure is a sprained toe. With that in mind, I’ve decided to continue my efforts to clean out the DVR. I just finished watching River Raft Nightmare, which premiered on Lifetime on September 5th. That was Labor Day weekend and, like a lot of people, I was too busy hanging out with my family to watch a movie about a mother and daughter navigating rapids while being menaced by three criminals.

River Raft Nightmare, which was directed by the amazingly prolific (and, by B-movie fans, beloved) Fred Olen Ray, tells the story of Sharon (Brigid Brannagh) and her teenage daughter, Cassie (Leah Bateman). They are looking forward to spending a nice relaxing weekend trying not to drown while river rafting. The only things they have to worry about are the possibilities of Cassie going into diabetic shock, a sudden wilderness fire breaking out, and maybe running into three criminals who are searching for some stolen money that has been hidden somewhere in the wilderness.

True, it’s easy to imagine that one of those things could happen. After all, all vacations have their obstacles. And maybe you could even see two of those things happening because, sometimes, it’s just a mistake to leave the house. But who would have guessed that all three of those things would end up happening!? That’s right — Sharon and Cassie have to deal with fire, diabetic shock, and criminals!

The head criminal is named Frank. He’s played by Ivan Sergei. From the minute he showed up, I thought he looked familiar and then, about an hour into the movie, I realized that he previously played the psycho boyfriend in another Lifetime mainstay, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? Incidentally, that movie also featured Ivan Sergei nearly drowning in a river. Maybe Ivan should stay away from the water from now on…

Frank continually assures Sharon and Cassie that he’s not going to kill them and that he just wants to find his money. However, Cassie has already seen Frank kill a man. That’s one reason why River Raft Nightmare was originally called Eyewitness, Personally, I think River Raft Nightmare is a better title. Eyewitness is a bit generic but River Raft Nightmare — hey, it’s got the word nightmare in it! You can’t go wrong with that.

River Raft Nightmare is a thoroughly predictable film. You will not be taken by surprise. But, with that in mind, it’s enjoyable enough. One thing that I appreciate about Fred Olen Ray is that he is a director who is almost totally lacking in pretension. A Fred Olen Ray film doesn’t pretend to be anything that it isn’t. River Raft Nightmare is a low-budget B-movie and it’s totally content with being a low-budget B-movie and you really have to admire that. Add to that, I always love movies about moms and daughters bonding while kicking ass and Ivan Sergei was hot even when he was killing people.

(By the way, Fred, if you’re reading this, I’ve got an idea for a film called Red River Nightmare….)

One funny thing about the DVR is that it really does work as a time machine. When you watch something that you recorded two months ago, it’s like stepping back in the past and sometimes, you’re shocked to discover what you had forgotten about. In the case of River Raft Nightmare, I was shocked to be reminded that — for a few weeks — Lifetime experimented with having Erin Foley pop up during the commercial breaks and attempt to be snarky. A typical Erin Foley comment would be something like: “So, they’re being hunted by killers but their makeup and hair are still perfect.” (To which those of us at home would say, “No shit, haven’t you ever watched one of these movies before? We all got over that a long time ago…”) Having been reminded of its existence, all I can say is that I’m glad Lifetime ended that experiment. No offense to Erin Foley but nothing she said ever came close to topping what the live tweeters were saying on twitter.

Seriously, Lifetime, those of us watching provide more than enough snark without it being necessary for you to bring in a “ringer.”

Sorry, Erin Foley, you were not necessary…

What Lisa Watched Last Night #145: The Preacher’s Sin (dir by Michelle Mower)

Posted on November 15, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime film, The Preacher’s Sin!

Why Was I Watching It?

What else was I going to watch? The Democratic debate? Not likely…

Seriously, though, everyone knows how much I love Lifetime! Plus, the title of the film promised a sinning preacher and Lifetime has a pretty good track record when it comes to sinning preachers.

What Was It About?

Evan Tanning (JR Bourne) is a successful and popular preacher. He has his own radio show, where he gives advice on how to raise a family. Much like Will Ferrell in A Deadly Adoption, he is popular on the book tour circuit. As the movie opens, he has just signed a contract with Bill Traggert (Bill Lake) and his show is about be nationally syndicated. Sure, Bill might be a little bit sleazy but it looks like everything’s perfect in Evan’s life…

Except, of course, it isn’t. Evan has just discovered that he has an illegitimate son (Demi Oliver) and, once Bill finds out, Evan finds himself being blackmailed. Add to that, Evan is the legal guardian of his niece Jamie (Allie Gonino), a rebellious teenager who has recently been arrested for driving drunk. When Jamie gets arrested a second time, Evan struggles to try to figure out how to deal with her.

What Evan doesn’t realize is that Jamie was set up by Bill’s evil daughter, Tinsley (Stephanie La Rochelle). When Tinsley escalates her bullying of Jamie, Evan is forced to take a stand and confront his past.

What Worked

The film was well-acted and it definitely had an intriguing first hour. JR Bourne did a good job as the preacher and so did Allie Gonino as Jamie. (Add to that, I really liked Jamie’s hair.) There’s been a lot of bitchy mean girls on Lifetime but few of them have been played with the amount of sociopathic panache that Stephanie La Rochelle brought to the role of Tinsley.

What Did Not Work

So, here’s the thing: with a title like The Preacher’s Sin, I was expecting the film to feature the preaching sinning. I mean, okay — he did have an extramarital affair but that was before he even became a preacher. He never knew that he had a son and, once he found out, Evan went out of his way to accept and help him out..

To be honest, a better title for the film would have been Tinsley’s Sin because Tinsley was the one who kept doing the wrong thing. As a lot of people on twitter pointed out, the final 30 minutes of the film — which were pretty much dominated by Tinsley’s sins — felt like they were happening in a totally different movie.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Oh my God, I so related to Jamie! It’s not just that we were both rebellious teenagers who had to deal with jealous haters. It was also the fact that she was judged for having better hair than everyone else. I have red hair and Jamie had green hair. Judging from this movie, the only thing more difficult than being a redhead is being a greenhead.

Lessons Learned

It’s not easy being green.