Cleaning Out The DVR #2: The Bridge on the River Kwai (dir by David Lean)

Posted on March 8, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, after I watched Captains Courageous, I continued to clean out the DVR by watching the 1957 film, The Bridge On The River Kwai.

The Bridge On The River Kwai is a great film but it’s not necessarily an easy one to review. It’s always easier to review a film when you can be snarky and dismissive but The Bridge On The River Kwai is one of the few films that can truly be called great. Everything about it — from the directing to the cinematography to the script to the acting (especially the acting!) — works. It’s a 3 hour film that never drags. It’s a rousing and exciting adventure story that also works as an anti-war film. As directed by David Lean, it’s probably about as perfect as a film can get.

The Bridge On The River Kwai takes place during World War II and really, it’s two films in one. One film tells the story of Shears (William Holden), a POW at a Japanese prison of war camp in what was then Burma and what is now Myanmar. Knowing that, under the rules of the Geneva Convention, officers are exempt from manual labor, Shears pretends to be a commander. However, when the camp’s commandant, the harsh Col. Saito (Sessue Hayakawa), announces the all prisoners — regardless of rank — will have to build a railway bridge over the River Kwai, Shears manages to escape. With the help of local villagers, Shears makes it to an Allied hospital.

It’s at the hospital that Shears has a two-scene romance with a nurse because the film’s producer, Sam Spiegel, was worried that the film was too male dominated. It’s also at the hospital that Shears is informed that he will be returning to the POW camp, with a group of British commandos, on a mission to destroy the bridge. When Shears explains that he’s not even an officer, British Maj. Warden (Jack Hawkins) explains that’s why the Americans have agreed to let the British use Shears for their mission.

The film’s 2nd storyline deals with Col. Nicholson (Alec Guinness), the senior British officer at the POW camp. When we first meet Nicholson, he’s in a battle of wills with Saito. When Nicholson insists that no officer will work on the bridge, Saito first forces all of the British officers to spend an entire day standing in the heat. When that doesn’t work, Saito has Nicholson locked in an iron box. However, Nicholson refuses to back down and becomes a hero to the other prisoners. Realizing that the bridge will never be finished on time and that he will be required to commit suicide because of his failure, Saito decides to take a different approach to dealing with Nicholson.

After releasing Nicholson from the iron box, Saito shows him the poor job that the British prisoners have been doing on the bridge. Saito appeals to Nicholson’s vanity.

And it turns out that Col. Nicholson is a very vain man indeed.

Soon, Nicholson is ordering his men to do a good job on the bridge, announcing that they are going to show the Japanese what the British can accomplish. Nicholson claims that the project will be a morale booster and that the bridge will be a permanent monument to British ingenuity.

This part of the film is an unexpectedly nuanced character study and Guinness gives a brilliant performance. For the film’s first hour, Nicholson is our hero but then, just as suddenly, he reveals himself to be a far more complicated character and our feelings towards him become much more mixed. We’re forced to reconsider everything that we previously felt towards him. Was Nicholson standing up for his men because it was the right thing to do or was he doing it because he desired the camp’s adulation? His motives are complicated and difficult to figure out and the implications are, at times, rather frightening. About the only thing that can definitely be said about Nicholson is that he becomes so obsessed with showing what the British can do that he loses sight of what the Japanese are going to do with that bridge once it is complted. Nicholson’s short-sightedness become a metaphor for blind nationalism and war in general.

When these two storylines finally intersect, it leads to one of the most justifiably climaxes in cinema history, one that leads one of the film’s few surviving characters to exclaim, “The madness, the madness!”

As I mentioned earlier, The Bridge On The River Kwai won the Oscar for best picture and for once, not even I can disagree with the Academy.

Cleaning Out The DVR #1: Captains Courageous (dir by Victor Fleming)

Posted on March 8, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For the last few days, I’ve been desperately trying to clean out my DVR. Ever since this year began, I have been obsessively recording movies and now, I suddenly find myself with just a few hours of space left! Now, I know that the simple solution would be to just start erasing stuff but that’s just not the way I do things. I recorded that stuff so you better believe I’m going to watch and review every single minute of it!

Last night, I did a quick count and discovered that I have 38 movies to watch before I can officially declare the DVR to have been “cleaned out.” While that may sound like a lot, it’s not if you consider that — by watching and reviewing 4 movies a day — I can have the whole job done by the end of the next week! That’s my plan and my challenge to myself. Can I watch and review 38 movies in 10 days?

Let’s find out!

So, I started things out by watching the 1937 film, Captains Courageous. Captains Courageous was aired on TCM as a part of their 31 Days of Oscar. Not only was Captains Courageous nominated for best picture but it won Spencer Tracy his first Oscar. Tracy was one of the quintessential American actors so it’s interesting to note that he won his first Oscar for playing a Portuguese fisherman who speaks in exaggeratedly broken English.

Spencer Tracy may have won the Oscar for Best Actor but his role is really a supporting one. Instead, Captains Courageous is about an extremely spoiled, obnoxious, and annoying 15 year-old named Harvey Cheyne (Freddie Bartholomew). From the minute that Harvey first appears on screen, it’s difficult to like him. The son of a rich businessman (Melvyn Douglas), Harvey is hated by everyone. His family’s butler rolls his eyes whenever Harvey calls for him. His classmates (and, of course, Harvey attends a snooty private school) want nothing to do with him. When his father takes him on a trans-Atlantic cruise, even the sailors seem like they want to toss him overboard.

However, before they get a chance to give him one quick shove over the railing, Harvey does their job for them. He falls overboard and he nearly drowns before being rescued by a fisherman named Manuel (Spencer Tracy). Manuel takes him back to the fishing schooner, where that ship’s captain (Lionel Barrymore) refuses to believe that Harvey is rich. Since the rest of the crew quickly decides that they dislike Harvey as much as everyone else does, the captain saves Harvey from being thrown back overboard by “hiring” him as a fisherman. And, of course, the captain makes Manuel responsible for him.

Though initially hostile, Harvey and Manuel slowly start to bond. Harvey learns about the importance of hard work and starts to grow up. And, eventually, it all leads to tragedy. That’s just how things work in the movies.

As you can probably guess from the plot description above, there’s not a subtle moment to be found in Captains Courageous but, as is so often the case with 1930s Hollywood, that’s actually what makes the film appealing. Captains Courageous wears its sentiment on its sleeve and it makes for an interesting contrast to the more cynical films of today. While it takes a while to get used to seeing Spencer Tracy giving such a theatrical performance, he does eventually win you over. Freddie Bartholomew is vulnerable enough to you can forgive his character for being so obnoxious. Meanwhile, Lionel Barrymore and Mevlyn Douglas are well-cast in their supporting roles and, if you keep an eye open, you’ll see everyone from John Carradine to a young Mickey Rooney working on the schooner. Ultimately, Captains Courageous is a well-made and likable coming-of-age film that still holds up today.

Hallmark Review: A Christmas Detour (2015, dir. Ron Oliver)

Posted on March 7, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

I see nothing wrong there.

Or there.

Or there either. Nothing wrong at all.

I think I said the last time I reviewed a movie that had a plot based on rules for finding the perfect man that I would rather have hernia surgery again capped off with a catheter put in me again. While this does have Candace Cameron Bure in it, it’s still way better than Just The Way You Are. I guess this movie falls in between that one and Dater’s Handbook.

I finally got to it, Michelle! I certainly won’t be able to tear into this film the way she did, but I may have seen some of the same things.

Hmm…have no idea why that came to mind.

The movie begins as Paige Summerlind (Candace Cameron Bure) is arriving at LAX to fly out to New York to be with her fiancee. But first we find out that Paige writes for Radiant Bride magazine.

I was so convinced that shot was from Before You Say ‘I Do’, but looking at promo pics and the film itself turned up no results. I’m sorry.

Anyways, you see those hands? Those belong to a very smart lady. You see, Paige spotted her magazine being held by this lady, and immediately tried to push it on her. She even gave her the money to pay for the magazine.

The lady put the magazine back and pocketed the money. I love her!

Now we are introduced to Frank (David Lewis) and Maxine (Sarah Strange). You know it never fails. No matter how many screenshots I take throughout the movie, I will always end up with the worst possible shot, but it will be the one I need. Oh, and on this film, I took 2,738 screenshots.

Next we are introduced to Dylan played by Paul Greene who I’ve seen play a nurse, event planner, and now a bartender. Well, he might own the bar. I’m not sure. He looks as jazzed to see A Christmas Melody as he is flying home to New York after a four year absence. According to his friend, “the statute of limitations for licking the wounds of a broken heart expired a long time ago.” So he’s off to LAX.

Now Paige makes a bit of a scene at the check-in counter. She thought she was going to have an aisle seat, but she’s going to get stuck with a window seat. Also, she can only bring two things aboard the plane. She checks one of her bags because she must bring her “vision board” onto the plane with her.

So her dream wedding is the current cover of her magazine, and there’s her boyfriend Jack played by…

who is preparing for his role as the wrong guy named Reed in Appetite For Love.

We now cut to Doctor Zhivago 3D…

before cutting inside to meet Jack, then it’s back to the plane all these people are on.

Jack and Paige have to sit next to each other cause Hallmark. He nearly doubles over laughing about her magazine. She defends her “100 proven ways to find your perfect mate.”

Sometimes you do get the right screenshot. I would now put the screenshot of the ridiculous looking eye mask they put her in for the following shots, but let’s move on.

Of course a storm front forces the plane to set down in Buffalo, New York. Now they wait outside for a shuttle.

I’m pretty sure what they did here was tint it blue and CGI in foreground snow. The shuttle takes them to the Buffalo Airport Hotel, which from the exterior made me think of the Overlook Hotel from The Shining (1980). They end up with adjoining rooms again because Hallmark.

Now dialog that left me scratching my head happens. I’ll just say I nearly looked like this when I heard it.

After that, we cut back to house to see that this shot was probably done by a different person.

I think you know how it plays out for Paige and Dylan at this point. They spend more time together. Paige keeps calling Jack. We get another shot of a different house.

They kiss under a sign that says Mistletoe Junction. They wind up at the O Tannenbaum Inn. We see that they simply expanded the black region in the middle of the cellphone screen to cutoff the provider, which in turn cutoff Decline and Accept under those buttons.

She ends up running away from Dylan to Jack. She finds out she doesn’t want to marry Jack. Dylan reunites with his family. They end up together. Blah, blah, blah. Nothing you haven’t seen before, and nothing interesting either.

I want to call special attention to the other plot line running while this is going on. Remember Maxine and Frank? They are the best part of this movie in my opinion. Although, it was a little weird at first. I thought they were just a lovable bickering married couple, but by the time we got to the inn, I realized they were having trouble.

They weren’t even supposed to be sleeping in the same room. Even when they do, they push themselves to the opposite sides of the bed. However, they eventually come around in the end. There’s nothing fancy or overly dramatic about it. They just acknowledge that neither of them are very happy pretending to be bitter at each other. The charade is over, and they go into a house together holding hands having arrived at their destination plotwise and completing their character arcs.

So why did we even need the whole Paige and Dylan storyline? I’m not a big fan of Candace Cameron Bure. She’s okay in the Aurora Teagarden movies cause it’s fun to watch her run around like a crazy person in those films. I do kind of like what I’ve seen Paul Greene do so far. However, I’ve seen Hallmark do the mature couple story, and do it well. I’m thinking Lead With Your Heart here. I think David Lewis and Sarah Strange could have carried this film all by themselves as a seemingly lovable bickering couple who are actually in trouble, but discover they seemed lovable because they do still love each other. If they had fleshed that out to a complete film, then I could have enjoyed this a lot more. As it is, don’t bother.

Oh, and Hallmark, please give Ron Oliver a budget next time. This house thing was ridiculous.

Not to mention the CGI’d in Christmas decorations at the beginning of the film, and other things.

Here’s the songs since they did include them in the credits:

Following The Amazon Prime Recommendation Worm #6: A Touch of Grey (2009), Truth or Dare (1994), 57,000 Kilometers Between Us (2008), Login (2013)

Posted on March 5, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

Well, this one should be short because there really isn’t much to say about these movies other than don’t watch any of them. At least none of them are South Korean this time!

A Touch of Grey (2009, dir. Sandra Feldman & Ian Mah) –

Well, at least the trailer is honest. It shows you four women whining in a room, and that’s exactly what you get. I love how there’s a review on IMDb that calls it a post-Sex and the City film. Wow! That’s high praise there. Not really. I call it what happens when you have four good actresses and no budget to actually film outside of a hotel room so the audience is constantly left wondering why these four women are doing absolutely nothing but ruminating about their lousy lives.

I believe they leave twice and we never see it, but just see them come back. I remember the first leading to the especially annoying girl getting duct taped to a chair for what they say was a “penis foot wrestle.”

The second time I think the annoying girl just leaves for a while before coming back. If you want to hear middle-aged women waste getting together for the first time in a long time instead of actually going out and doing things together, then here you go. Oh, and none of their endless rambling causes any of them to really change either. They are the same as when they arrived.

I particularly enjoyed the part when they bitch about women’s lib. Hey geniuses! Go home, put your foot down, and tell your husband the household duties get divided or you leave. I know it isn’t easy, but I don’t recall this even coming up as a solution. In fact, the lady who put this thing together even rolls over and takes it via a cellphone call at the end of the movie. They really just go on and on ruminating over their problems instead of actually talking about solutions. As I already said, they also don’t bother to go anywhere to help clear their heads so they only get dumber as time goes on. And no, this is not like Jeanne Dielman (1975) where there is a point to all the tedium and boredom so that we understand the final action of the movie. In the case of this movie, that would be the main lady agreeing to pick up groceries on her way home.

It’s not awful, but it really felt like a waste of my time. It’s for people who want to watch four women in a room drink, yack, and complain about taking it up the ass from their husbands, but not actually accomplishing anything in the end.

I’m sorry if I’m especially harsh on this movie, but I’m really sick of these cheap movies that think getting actors in a room, maybe knowing how to shoot them, and having them talk at length equals something meaningful and insightful.

Oh, and for that one person who might want to leave this comment. I am well aware that women tend to bond by sharing secrets/talking and men tend to bond by doing things together. That fact doesn’t make this movie any better.

Edit: Yes, I am aware one of the ladies left her husband and still isn’t happy. This making it seem like there is no way out doesn’t make any difference to the film.

Truth or Dare (1994, dir. François Ozon) – I guess cause the other movie had adults sitting around drinking and doing nothing, then Amazon thought I would want to watch a really short film about some kids playing truth or dare. Basically a few kids play truth or dare and the game leads towards sexual things till all of sudden I guess one of them said a dare that was especially noteworthy cause one of them looks into the camera and the movie ends. Unless you are already a fan of the director who has gone on to do numerous feature films such as Swimming Pool (2003), then don’t bother with this.

57,000 Kilometers Between Us (2008, dir. Delphine Kreuter) – Since Truth or Dare looked like an episode of The Kids Of Degrassi Street, but in French and Amazon Prime apparently knew I am transgender, it recommended this piece of French arthouse garbage that is shot like it belongs on public access television in the late 1970s/earlier 1980s with transgender actress Stéphanie Michelini playing a trans woman. It was awful.

Here is the plot. Sort of. The movie is based on the title. The distance created by technology although the filmmakers apparently couldn’t afford to use technology that didn’t make this thing look 35+ years old (or a bad Dogme 95 film). Some girl and a kid in a hospital play an MMORPG. A father likes to broadcast everything that goes on in his home with his wife and family on the Internet. One of the kids in here is estranged from her “father” that is played by Stéphanie Michelini as Nicole. That’s it! The movie frantically jumps around this stuff and never amounts to anything.

I love the reviews on IMDb for this one. One person really saw way more than there is while the other person was actually at the preimere where apparently 80% of the audience got up and left before the lights came up even though the director was their for a Q & A.

Don’t waste your time on this one.

Login or Log In (2013, dir. Ákos Barnóczky) – Yep, just like last time, we end with a Hungarian film. I have very little idea what was going on with this film. It’s all told via webcam chats. There are a few times when you can see both sides at the same time, but it largely cuts back and forth of single shots of the actors. That is if there is even someone there to talk to. I believe sometimes they are just leaving a video message for the other person, but it wasn’t clear to me.

The movie begins with a woman logging into her estranged or ex-husbands video dating account to find a woman with a mask on. This somehow then leads her to find a guy I just refer to as Hungarian Christian Bale.

I don’t know why, but he agrees to help her I guess track down who this woman is. There’s something tying them together and two other people are trying to manipulate both of them. I not only lost the plot, but any interest in this movie quickly. It’s apparently based on Dangerous Liaisons, which I haven’t seen or read. However, the plot summary on IMDb makes it clear it’s just more period piece backstabbing garbage, which is how this movie came across to me.

If you do like Dangerous Liaisons and can put up with the webcam style of storytelling here, then maybe see it. I can’t recommend it to anyone else unless you really want to see Hungarian Bale actually talk and move. This movie isn’t even in IMDb as I write this post. I submitted it though so it will show up eventually.

——————

Here’s hoping I will be able to recommend at least one of the next four movies in what appears to be a never ending journey. I am up to 54 films now.

Film Review: Nightmare Nurse (dir by Craig Moss)

Posted on March 5, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Earlier tonight, I watched Nightmare Nurse, the latest thriller to make its premiere on Lifetime.

Let’s just start with an obvious point. Nightmare Nurse is a great title. It’s a title that screams melodrama and danger. It’s a title that says, “You must watch, you must watch!” If there was a TV series called Nightmare Nurse, I would watch and review every episode. If a character named Nightmare Nurse ever shows up in a Marvel comic book movie, I guarantee that she will become the most popular character since that talking raccoon. Nightmare Nurse is a title that epitomizes everything that we love about Lifetime movies.

The other point I would like to make is that, according to the imdb, Nightmare Nurse was filmed in Los Angeles. I was actually shocked to discover this because everything about it screamed, “Canada!” As I watched the movie, I just naturally assumed that it was filmed in either Montreal or Toronto, like so many other Lifetime films. But no, Nightmare Nurse was actually filmed in the U.S.

As for what the film is about … well, this is an odd one. It starts out like a normal Lifetime film and, for the first 75 minutes or so, it plays out like a normal Lifetime film. And then suddenly, things get really weird and, for the final 15 minutes, it’s like you’re watching an entirely different movie. This is one of those Lifetime films that has a big out-of-nowhere twist that really doesn’t make much sense. After you find out about the twist, you find yourself obsessing on how little sense it makes. In order for the plot of Nightmare Nurse to work, you have to believe that someone would come up with the most needlessly complicated plan necessary to accomplish a relatively simply goal.

But look, I’m not going to spoil things. If you want to talk about the ending, do so in the comments. But for this review, I will stay try to stay true to the no spoiler rule.

Nightmare Nurse tells the story of Brooke (Sarah Butler) and her boyfriend, Lance (Steve Good). One night, Lance is driving Brooke home from her job as a sous chef when, suddenly, a man wanders out into the middle of the street. Lance loses control of the car. The man is killed and Lance ends up with a broken leg. At the hospital, both Brooke and Lance are taken care of by Nurse Barb (Traci Lords). But, since Barb can’t go home with them, they have to hire a home nurse once they’re discharged from the hospital.

Brooke ends up hiring Chloe (Lindsay Hartley) and, as soon as Chloe showed up at the house, I was just like, “No! Stop! No way would I ever hire someone who looks like Chloe to take care of my boyfriend!” Seriously, if I’m hiring a nurse to spend all day with my boyfriend while I’m at work, you better believe that I am going to hire the ugliest nurse that I possibly can.

And you know what else I would probably do? I would probably run a background check or at least ask for references. Brooke doesn’t do any of this so should she really be all that surprised when Chloe turns out to be totally batshit crazy? Soon, Chloe is flirting with Lance and subtly suggesting that he and Brooke really aren’t that compatible. Meanwhile, Brooke is stuck working for a British chef. (Julian Stone does an okay job in the role but I would have loved to have seen a Gordon Ramsay cameo here.) Seriously, people — do a background check.

So, Chloe’s crazy, right? Well, yes but that’s not all! There’s a whole other layer of conspiracy going on. It’s all revealed during the final 15 minutes of the movie and it pretty much comes out of nowhere. This is one of those films where the mystery is solved largely through coincidence and luck as opposed to any use of intelligence on the part of anyone in the film.

I never though I’d say this about a Lifetime film but Nightmare Nurse is almost too implausible for its own good. On the positive side, Lindsay Hartley is properly unhinged as Chloe and Steve Good is likable as couch-bound Lance. Nightmare Nurse may not be the best Lifetime film that I’ve ever seen but I would definitely watch Nightmare Nurse II because a good title is a good title.

Cleaning Out The DVR: Anthony Adverse (dir by Mervyn LeRoy)

Posted on March 5, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Late last night, I continued to clean out my DVR by watching the 1936 film, Anthony Adverse.

I recorded Anthony Adverse off of TCM, where it was being shown as a part of that channel’s 31 Days of Oscars. Anthony Adverse was aired because it was nominated for Best Picture of 1936. That’s significant because, if not for that nomination, I doubt that anyone would ever have a reason to watch Anthony Adverse. It’s certainly one of the more obscure best picture nominees. Despite a prestigious cast and being directed by the respectable Mervyn LeRoy, Anthony Adverse only has a handful of reviews over at the imdb. And most of those reviews were written by Oscar fanatics like me.

Anthony Adverse is an epic historical film, one that tells the story of Anthony Adverse (Frederic March). Anthony is the illegitimate son of Denis Moore (Louis Hayward) and Maria (Anita Louise), the wife of evil Spanish nobleman, Don Luis (Claude Rains, convincing as a nobleman but not as someone from Spain). Luis murdered Denis and Maria died giving birth so Luis abandons the baby at an Italian convent. Anthony is raised by nuns and priests and then, 10 years later, is apprenticed to an English merchant named John Bonnyfeather (Edmund Gwenn). Bonnyfeather just happens to be Anthony’s grandfather! Though Luis told him that Anthony died as soon as he was born, Bonnyfeather quickly figures out that Anthony is his grandson. However, Bonnyfeather doesn’t share that information with Anthony and instead, he gives Anthony the surname “Adverse.”

Bonnyfeather raises Anthony as his own son. Anthony grows up to be Frederic March and ends up falling in love with and marrying the beautiful Angela (Olivia De Havilland). However, Anthony is suddenly called away on business to Havana, Cuba. He doesn’t even have a chance to tell Angela that he’s leaving. He does leave her a note but it blows away. Assuming that she’s been abandoned, Angela goes to France, becomes an opera singer, and is soon the mistress of Napoleon.

Meanwhile, in Cuba, Anthony becomes convinced that Angela has intentionally abandoned him. Consumed by grief, he ends up running a slave trading post in Africa. He takes one of the slaves, Neleta (Steffi Duna), as his mistress and becomes known for his cruelty. However, he eventually meets Brother Francois (Pedro de Cordoba) and starts to reconsider his ways.

(The film’s treatment of the slave trade is …. well, it’s awkward to watch. The film is undoubtedly critical of slavery but, at the same time, it’s hard not to notice that the only slave with a prominent part in the film is played by a Hungarian actress. Anthony may eventually reject cruelty but it’s left ambiguous as to whether or not he rejects the slave trade as a business. If Anthony Adverse were made today, one imagines that this section of the film would be handled much differently.)

Meanwhile, back in Europe, Bonnyfeather is dying and his housekeeper, Faith (Gale Sondergaard, who won the first ever Oscar awarded for Best Supporting Actress for her performance here), plots to claim his fortune.

After I watched the movie but before I started this review, I did some research and I discovered that Anthony Adverse was based on a 1,222-page best seller that came out in 1933. I’m going to guess that the film’s long and ponderous story may have worked better on the page than it does on the screen. As a film, Anthony Adverse clocks in at 141 minute and it feels even longer. Despite the impressive cast, the film just never clicks. It’s never that interesting.

At the same time, I can understand why it was nominated for best picture. It’s a big movie, full of characters and extravagant sets and ornate costumes. You can tell it was an expensive movie to make and there’s enough philosophical dialogue that you can pretend there’s something going on underneath the surface. In the 1936, Anthony Adverse may have been quite impressive but seen today, it’s forgettable.

Anthony Adverse lost best picture to another overproduced extravaganza, The Great Ziegfield. Personally, I would have given the award to the unnominated My Man Godfrey.

Cleaning Out The DVR: The Wrong Car (dir by John Stimpson)

Posted on March 4, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Ever since the start of this month, I have been cleaning out my DVR and I am happy to say that I’ve managed to go from only having 9 hours of space available to now having 17 hours. Progress is a wonderful thing!

Last night, I decided, after watching Picnic, to take a two-hour break from watching movies that I had recorded off of TCM. Instead, I watched a film that I recorded off of Lifetime way back in January, The Wrong Car.

If you’ve watched enough Lifetime movies, you know that there are three things that all Lifetime movies distrust: men, teenagers, and technology. The Wrong Car doesn’t feature any teenagers but it does feature some really bad men who use technology to do some really bad things. In the past, Lifetime has exposed the dangers of Facebook, Match.com, twitter, and YouTube. With this movie, they take on Uber.

Except, of course, they don’t actually call it Uber. Instead, they call it “NetCar.” But it’s totally Uber.

Trudy (Danielle Savre) is a law student who doesn’t have much of a social life because she is always either too busy studying or arguing that criminals can be reformed. Her best friend, Gretchen (Francia Raisa), is constantly begging her to go out and have a good time but Trudy refuses. (Isn’t that always the role of a best friend in a Lifetime movie?) Finally, Gretchen is somehow able to convince Trudy to go to a club with her. However, Trudy get bored and decides to leave. Standing outside the club, she calls for a NetCar.

Usually, whenever Trudy uses NetCar, her driver is another law student named Charles (Kevin G. Cox). However, this time, she doesn’t know the driver. However, she still gets in the car and accepts his offer of bottled water. The next thing that Trudy knows, she’s waking up naked in a totally sleazy motel.

With the police unable to help, Trudy takes matters into her own hands. In this case, that means that she decides to become a NetCar driver herself. She now spends her time driving around the city, looking for the man who raped her. Along the way, she lectures two women about proper car safety, deals with an angry but later helpful criminal, and meets a cute investment manager (Jackson Davis).

She also has flashbacks to her rape and these are pure nightmare fuel. The man who assaulted her is frequently seeing wearing a giant baby mask, much like the one pictured below:

Technically, the scene above is from Terry Gilliam’s 1985 dystopian satire Brazil. But it’s the same baby mask! AGCK!

To be honest, though, the entire film is nightmare fuel. The Wrong Car is one of the few genuinely disturbing Lifetime films that I’ve ever seen because it does get at some very important truths. We all give out way too much information about ourselves to total strangers. And, much like Trudy, I probably would have gotten into that NetCar and drank that bottled water. Nobody wants to spend their life paranoid but The Wrong Car suggests that perhaps a little paranoia might be justified.

Director John Stimpson fills the screen with shadowy and menacing images while Danielle Savre does an excellent job in the sometimes difficult role of Trudy. The entire film is well-cast, with Rhett Kidd turning in a memorable performance in the small role of the world’s sleaziest desk clerk. And that baby mask … at the risk of repeating myself, AGCK!

The Wrong Car is definitely a Lifetime film to keep an eye out for.

Insomnia File #12: Beyond The Law (dir by Larry Ferguson)

Posted on March 4, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

Last night, if you were awake at one in the morning, you could have turned on FLIX and watched the 1993 film Beyond The Law.

Now, you may look at the title and think to yourself, “That movie sounds way too generic for anyone to watch.” And, to a certain extent, you’re right. Based, so the narrated epilogue insists, on a true story, Beyond The Law is about a troubled cop who goes undercover and joins a biker gang. After gaining the trust and friendship of the gang’s ruthless leader, the cop struggles to maintain a between order and chaos. Sometimes, he succeeds. Sometimes, he doesn’t. Largely, his success is dependent on whatever the narrative requires at the moment.

It’s totally predictable but, at the same time, it’s hard not to watch. When a film starts with an Indian shaman telling Charlie Sheen that his dark side is going to destroy him, how can you not keep watching?

That’s right … the undercover cop is played by Charlie Sheen. Fortunately, since Beyond the Law was made in 1993, we’re talking about the sexy and dangerous Charlie Sheen who showed up at the end of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and not the sad and bloated Charlie Sheen who co-starred on Two And A Half Men.

Charlie’s a deputy in Arizona who, as a result of his traumatic childhood, has a violent temper. After he gets into a fist fight with another deputy (played by Rip Torn), he is told that he can either quit the force or he can go undercover. He chooses to go undercover. Fortunately, he knows an informant (Leon Rippy) who can teach him how to pass for a biker. The informant’s nickname is Dildo (no, really) but later, we find out that his given name is Virgil. And he’s Charlie’s guide through the Hell of the Arizona underworld, just as another Virgil led Dante through another Hell…

Yes, it’s totally heavy-handed but somehow, it’s appropriate. The title may be generic but, within the first 30 minutes of the film, Beyond the Law gives us Indian wisdom, strange flashbacks, references to Dante, a guy named Dildo, and Charlie Sheen. But that’s not all! Beyond the Law also has Michael Madsen!

Michael Madsen plays Blood, the leader of the biker gang that Charlie has to infiltrate. And he gives a classic Michael Madsen performance, full of random squints, arched eyebrows, menacing pauses in the middle of dialogue, and that famous Michael Madsen half-smirk. Predictable as its plot may be, Beyond The Law is your only chance to see Charlie Sheen and Michael Madsen compete to see who can chew the most scenery. Charlie does his crazy eyes. Madsen does his half-smirk. In the end, I would say that Madsen wins.

Charlie also ends up having a relationship with an photojournalist (Linda Fiorentino). Before going undercover, he gave her a speeding ticket and, when they later meet at a biker gathering, she immediately recognizes him but keeps his secret. She doesn’t really get to do much in the film but I still liked the character because she was tough and she was the only person in the film who could outsmirk Michael Madsen.

Beyond The Law is nothing special but it’s worth watching just for the chance to see Michael Madsen and Charlie Sheen acting opposite each other.

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Cleaning Out The DVR: Picnic (dir by Joshua Logan)

Posted on March 3, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight, I continued to clean out the DVR by watching the 1955 film Picnic.

Now, Picnic is kind of a strange film. It’s one of those films from 50s that takes place in a small town where everyone is obsessed with sex but, since it’s the 1950s, nobody can just come out and say that they’re talking about sex. So, instead, all of the dialogue is very discreet. For instance, when Madge Owen (Kim Novak) talks to her mother, Flo (Betty Owens), about her date with her boyfriend, Alan (Cliff Robertson), Madge confesses that they spent the night kissing. Flo asks if Madge if they have done anything more than kiss but, of course, she never comes straight out and says what “more” would be. The audience knows what she’s talking about but it’s as if the world would actually end if anyone actually uttered the word. “Oh mom!” an embarrassed Madge says before confirming that she and Alan haven’t done anything more than kiss.

Flo desperately wants Madge to marry Alan because Alan is rich and his father owns the town’s grain elevator. Marrying Alan would allow Flo to move up in the town’s strict social hierarchy. However, Madge isn’t sure that she loves Alan. Certainly, Alan seems to be a good man with a good future but he’s not a romantic. Instead, he is someone who has his entire life already mapped out for him.

On Labor Day, a stranger comes to town. His name is Hal Carter and he shows up riding on a freight train. He’s come into town to see his old friend, Alan. It turns out that Hal and Alan went to college together and were members of the same fraternity. Hal was a star football player but he eventually flunked out of school and has spent the last few years drifting around the country. However, Hal is now ready to settle down and he wonders if his old roommate Alan can get him a job at the grain elevator.

Now, here’s the strange part. Hal is played by William Holden. When he made Picnic, William Holden was 38 years old and looked closer to being 45. (By contrast, Cliff Robertson, in the role of his former college roommate, was 32 and looked like he was 25.) Hal spends a lot of time talking about his traumatic childhood and how he is finally ready to settle down and start acting like an adult. In short, Hal talks like a 30 year-old but he looks like he’s nearly 50. It’s odd to watch. But even beyond the age issue, William Holden was an actor who always came across as being both confident and cynical. Hal is a secret romantic with a deep streak of insecurity. As great an actor as he may have been, William Holden is so thoroughly miscast here that it actually becomes fascinating to watch. It brings a whole new subtext to the film as you find yourself wondering why no one is town finds it strange that a middle-aged man is still struggling to deal with his childhood. When all the town’s young women ogle that shirtless Hal, it’s as if he’s wandered into a town populated only by teenagers with daddy issues.

(Paul Newman played the role of Hal in a Broadway production of Picnic. And really, that’s who the ideal Hal would have been, a young Paul Newman.)

The majority of the film takes place at the town’s Labor Day picnic, where almost every woman in town is driven to distraction by the sight of Hal dancing. Even the spinster teacher, Rosemary (Rosalind Russell), is so turned on by Hal’s masculinity that she makes a pass at him and accidentally rips his shirt. Of course, some of Rosemary’s behavior is due to the fact that she’s drunk. Her date, the befuddled Howard Bevans (Arthur O’Connell), made the mistake of being whiskey to the picnic.

Hal also dances with Madge’s 13 year-old sister, Millie (Susan Strasberg). I have to admit that, even though I related strongly to Madge, Millie was my favorite character in the film. Millie wears glasses and can recite Shakespeare from memory. She knows that everyone around her is full of it and she’s willing to call them on it. Of course, Millie herself ends up with a crush on Hal and it’s a dream for her when she finally gets to dance with him.

(Strasberg was 17 years old but is believable as a 13 year-old. At the same time, since Hal appears to be nearly 50, his sudden closeness to Millie carries an icky, if unintentional, subtext.)

But then Madge suddenly appears, wearing a pink dress and literally emerging from the black night. She starts to sway to the music. As she slowly approaches Hal, he forgets about Millie and soon is dancing with Madge. It’s actually a rather striking scene, one that so full of dream-like sensuality that it almost seems more like it was directed by surrealist David Lynch as opposed to the usually workmanlike Joshua Logan.

(In the video below, the scene freezes about 12 seconds in, before starting up again at the 16 second mark. This is a glitch with the upload and is not present in the actual film.)

Needless to say, a drifter can’t just come into town and steal his ex-roommate’s girlfriend without drama following. Picnic starts out as a slightly overheated examination of small town morality and then, after about an hour, it goes the full melodrama route, complete with police chases, stolen cars, a fist fight in an ornate mansion, and a lot of big speeches about the importance of love. Needless to say, it’s all a lot of fun.

Picnic was nominated for best picture of the year. However, it lost to the far more low-key Marty.

Hallmark Review: I Do, I Do, I Do (2015, dir. Ron Oliver)

Posted on March 3, 2016 by Valerie Troutman

I didn’t want to see another movie starring Autumn Reeser right now. I didn’t want to see another movie written by Nancey Silvers right now. However, I haven’t done a Ron Oliver movie in awhile, and he has been nice to me in the past. So let’s talk about I Do, I Do, I Do.

The movie opens up and we meet Jaclyn Palmer (Autumn Reeser) on the right, her sister Kate (Ali Liebert), and Kate’s camera. This time Hallmark is more subtle with the camera. No obvious Nikon camera strap. Also, it’s a Canon camera anyways. Just thought I would point that out for long time Hallmark fans who remember the Nikon product placement scenes from movies like For The Love Of Grace. Oh, and you can easily miss that Kate is her sister. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t tell you till later. Up till then my Dad and I thought they were just old friends. Even the credits of this movie don’t tell you.

Then probably the weirdest way I’ve seen the wrong guy introduced in a Hallmark movie happens. Jaclyn and Kate are in front of a hospital. An ambulance pulls up, someone is wheeled out of the back of it. Then up springs Dr. Peter Lorenzo (Antonio Cupo) from the gurney.

He comes over and proposes to Jaclyn while someone films them. I’m quite sure he arranged to have someone film it. At the very least it winds up on sort of YouTube.

That’s a lot of views! Obviously Dr. Peter Lorenzo is the PewDewPie of doctors. It goes without saying that she accepts his proposal. Now she’s off to some hotel in the woods next to a lake that’s probably in other Hallmark movies. After Autumn does her best shocked look as she pulls up to see a big sign that says “Jaclyn & Peter Forever”, she is greeted by his parents. It’s always a good sign when your mother-in-law to be says this to you.

Jaclyn is introduced to more craziness such as the “Bridal Cabin” and the wedding dress her soon to be Mom wants her to wear. Seeing as Jaclyn doesn’t like her wedding dress and she arrived in a car, she of course proceeds to get on a bike to ride through the woods to get to town.

You got me! My only guess is that since her husband is crazy about health and forces that on Jaclyn too, that she felt she had to use a bike instead of a car. Why she has to go through the woods, I have no idea. Regardless, as she is traveling through the woods she runs into Peter’s brother Max played by Shawn Roberts.

You know, Dexter Durant from Recipe For Love, or Dean if you are a fan of Degrassi: TNG. Since Jaclyn’s sister mentioned earlier that she wishes the two of them could throw caution to the wind like when they were younger, Max jumps off a ledge into the water. You can think of Max as basically the complete opposite of his brother. Oh, and they kiss for reasons. It kind of comes out of nowhere. Let’s move this along now by leaping over some scenes to get to the good stuff.

The next big thing that happens is that Jaclyn wakes up the next day. That day happens to be Valentine’s Day when her wedding is because who gets married on Groundhog Day? Yes, this is one of those movies. People burst into her room to make her up for Peter’s mother’s dream wedding. I think this shot sums up how Jaclyn feels about this.

You may notice that there is a wipe transition in progress in that shot. Director Ron Oliver uses them a bunch in this movie to good effect. George Lucas used them in Star Wars. It’s a good way to maintain a quick pace by giving you no time to mourn the loss of what was onscreen. It just picks you up from one scene and throws you into the next one. He also matches this with how he progressively shortens the days. Groundhog Day (1993) and the Groundhog Day episode of Stargate-SG1 did this too.

The marriage happens, but it’s a little rocky including wine getting spilled on her. That’s when back at the Bridal Cabin, Jaclyn wishes for a do-over, and her proposal video rolls over to 1,000,000 views.

Poor Ron Oliver! His video in upper right hand corner only has 567,983 views. At first I thought they would repeat that the way the clock would turn over in Groundhog Day, but it doesn’t. The equivalent here is the phone next to her bed, which rings with a wake up call.

This time she shows up with heavy eyeshadow and blush. I guess she is trying to maybe get him to not want to marry her. No such luck.

On the next repeat she starts to flip out. I love that they even bring up the possibility that she’s on drugs.

The doctor thinks she might have cold feet. She keeps telling him she’s living the same day over and over. So of course the doctor says he is going to get her tested for drugs. To get away from crazy town, Jaclyn flees with Max to the main set of the movie.

Remember the whole learning how to play the piano thing from Groundhog Day? That’s the kind of things that start to happen as the repeats get shorter and shorter. The first thing is to overcome her fear of the water. She didn’t used to be afraid of the water, but Peter kind of got her scared of taking any risks. Apparently, this included going into the water for her. So over the course of several loops Max takes her further and further into the water.

Once that is done, the next thing on the roster is to finally learning how to dance. Again, this repeats over several days. I have to give credit to whoever was responsible for the continuity on this film for these scenes. Take a look.

Those are from two loops that follow each other. Note that his outfit doesn’t change. It wouldn’t because since he isn’t aware of the time loop, he would be always wearing the same thing. However, since she is aware of the time loop, she wears something different. It’s a nice little detail that also helps to make sure we know another loop has gone by without having to cutaway from the beach.

With that done, learning Italian is next for Jaclyn. The reason for this is that earlier a member of Peter’s family came up to her and just assumed that Max and her were together. However, the whole conversation was in Italian and they lie to her about what she said. She spends several loops learning Italian.

Next is picking out a wedding dress she likes. She even has the wedding she seems to like, but of course Max isn’t convinced. Obviously Max is lord of time because she wakes up once again.

After spending more time with Max, we get the sort of YouTube thing at the start of another time loop.

I guess we know which one of the producers on this movie was the most important seeing as Kevin Leeson’s Seagull video has 996,876 views over Dan Paulson’s 36,995 views. Although, the production coordinator Alison Stephen tops them all with her 2.9 million views.

Anyways, this is when Jaclyn finally decides to stop the loop by saying that she doesn’t want to marry him. Just like in Bridal Wave, it turns out getting married wasn’t really something either of them wanted to do. She seemed to have been swept off her feet and he was kind of under pressure from his Mom. Even Dad chimes in to tell Mom to sit down here. When somebody tells you to sit down with these eyes…

then you sit down.

She and Max fall asleep at the beach. The time loop breaks, and they wake up together. After jumping in the water, they go and get married.

My final thought on this one is that it comes in third out of the four Groundhog Day movies/TV episodes I’ve seen. The first two are Groundhog Day and the Stargate SG-1 episode. However, number four, called Pete’s Christmas, is a huge drop off from this one. I really didn’t like that film. So check out the Stargate SG-1 episode called Window of Opportunity, and this one too. I recommend it.

Here are the songs from the credits: