Film Review: Allied (dir by Robert Zemeckis)

Posted on November 26, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Earlier today, after deciding to take a break from watching the Lifetime films that have been steadily accumulating on my DVR, I went down to the Alamo Drafthouse with my BFF Evelyn and we watched the new World War II romantic adventure film, Allied.

Now, you should understand that I’m an Alamo Victory member and one of the benefits of my membership is that I get a free movie for my birthday! (My birthday was on November 9th. The offer’s good for up to a month after the big day. Pretty nice, no?) I have to admit that there’s a reason why I wanted to see Allied for free. I knew that, since this big movie with big stars and a big director was being released at the start of Oscar season, I would have to see it eventually. Add to that, Allied is current somewhat infamous for being the movie that contributed to the divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Apparently, Brad had an affair with Marion Cotillard while making this movie. I knew I had to see Allied but I didn’t want to pay for it because, quite frankly, I wasn’t expecting it to be very good.

I mean, the trailer looked awful! The trailer was a collection of war film clichés and, as happy as I was to see Brad without that raggedyass beard that he tends to have whenever he’s trying to be a serious actor, it was still hard to ignore that he essentially looked like a wax figure. Then you had Marion Cotillard, looking as if she’d rather be playing Lady MacBeth. Judging from the trailer, Allied just didn’t look very good.

Having now seen Allied, I can say that the trailer does the film a great disservice. Not only is Allied far more entertaining than the trailer suggests but the trailer also gives away the film’s big twist! Seriously, this twist occurs about 75 minutes into a 120 minute film and, if it was sprung on you without warning, it would totally blow you away. It would leave you reeling and reconsidering everything that you had previously seen. But since the twist is highlighted in the trailer, you instead spend the first half of the movie impatiently waiting for it.

You probably already know the twist. But I’m still not going to reveal it because maybe there’s one or two of you out there who have managed to avoid the trailer. Instead, I’ll tell you that Allied is a World War II romance. It opens in Casablanca, with Canadian secret agent Max Batan (Brad Pitt) working with Marianne Beausojour (Marion Cotillard). Marianne is a legendary member of the French Resistance. It doesn’t take long for Max and Marianne to fall in love and soon, they’re having sex in the middle of the desert, making love in a car while a sandstorm rages all around them. Max eventually marries Marianne and they have a daughter. But around them, the war continues and both of them find themselves struggling to determine who they can and cannot trust.

As directed by Robert Zemeckis, Allied is a big movie, one that is frequently entertaining and yet occasionally and frustratingly uneven. Allied feels like its less about recreating history and more about paying homage to the World War II and espionage films that Zemeckis watched when he was growing up. It’s a technical marvel, featuring not only sandstorm sex but crashing airplanes and a painstaking recreation of Europe in the 1940s. The film is full of seemingly random details, many of which don’t add much to the narrative but they do contribute to Allied‘s oddly dreamlike feel. This is the type of film where espionage is discreetly discussed at a party while Gershwin plays on the soundtrack and British airmen casually snort cocaine in the background. When Marianne gives birth to Anna, she does it outside while bombs explode around her. When the baby is finally delivered, a group of nurses applaud. It’s all wonderfully over the top but, occasionally, the narrative lags. Zemeckis sometimes seems to be torn as to whether or not he’s paying homage to or deconstructing the genre. As a result, some scenes work better than others. (There’s a lengthy sequence involving a note containing false information. It’s obvious that Zemeckis is trying to pay homage to Hitchcock’s Notorious but he never quite manages to pull it off.)

Despite what I previously assumed as a result of seeing the trailer, both Brad Pitt and Marion Cotillard are well-cast. Cotillard is one of the few actresses who feels at home in a throwback film like this one and she does a good job keeping the audience guessing. (Of course, if we accept that Allied is essentially Zemeckis’s cinematic dream of World War II, Cotillard serves to remind us of Inception and its multiple layers of dream logic.) Brad Pitt, meanwhile, should consider playing more roles without his beard. After watching Daniel Craig sulk through four James Bond films, it’s nice to be reminded that, occasionally, an actor can actually have fun while playing a secret agent.

Allied is uneven but entertaining. Don’t let the trailer fool you.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #12: Day of Reckoning (dir by Joel Novoa)

Posted on November 23, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR! It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet. So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR! She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Wednesday, November 30th! Will she make it? Keep checking the site to find out!)

The next film that I watched off of the DVR was Day of Reckoning, a film that premiered on the SyFy network on October 8th.

Day of Reckoning was one of the handful of films that premiered as a part of SyFy’s 31 Days of Halloween. There was a time when the SyFy network used to air a new film every week. That was a golden age for those of us who enjoy live tweeting and snarking online. Unfortunately, it would appear that the network made a change in their business model and SyFy drastically cut back on the number of original films that they produced and/or bought each year. Now, if you want to see an original film premiere on SyFy, you either have to wait for Shark Week or October. It’s unfortunate but that’s the way things are.

This year, it seemed as if almost all of SyFy’s October premieres were essentially remakes of It Follows. Day of Reckoning is unique because it went the opposite route. In no way is this film a rip-off of It Follows.

Instead, it’s more of a rip-off of The Purge: Anarchy.

16 years ago, during an eclipse, Earth was attacked by a pack of dogs from Hell. That’s not just me being overdramatic. Fissures literally formed in the ground and these dogs sprang out from the depths of Hell. For 24 hours, the hellhounds terrorized and killed. And then, much like a wealthy, mask-wearing murderer at the end of the annual Purge, they just vanished. Naturally, the survivors built barriers over the fissures and hoped that the dogs would never return. But now, another eclipse is approaching and some people are terrified that it’s going to happen again.

And you know what?

Those people are right.

Day of Reckoning follows one family and their effort to get to safety during the canine apocalypse. The father (Jackson Hurst) is still feeling guilty for not being home when the dogs first showed up. He’s determined not to fail his family for a second time. His wife (Heather McComb), meanwhile, just wants a divorce and his teenage son (Jay Jay Warren) just wants to hang out with his girlfriend.

Fortunately, a crazy uncle is coming to the rescue! Crazy Uncle Ted (Raymond J. Barry) has built an underground bunker and he’s invited the family to come join him and his wife (Barbara Crampton). However, the family first has to reach the shelter and that’s going to mean dealing with not only dogs but a lot of stupid people as well. You know how that goes. Can the family survive 24 hours of hellhound purging?

Crazy Uncles have been getting blamed for a lot lately. As of right now, you can go to about a hundred different sites and find all sorts of guides for how to talk to your crazy uncle during Thanksgiving. Apparently, the solution is to repeat tired soundbites. Personally, I would think a better solution would be not to worry about it and just enjoy your holiday but what the Hell do I know? With the character of Ted, Day of Reckoning pays tribute to the occasional wisdom of the crazy uncle and therefore, it’s essential Thanksgiving viewing.

Beyond that, Day of Reckoning is pretty much a typical SyFy film. It’s a bit more serious than most but, ultimately, it follows the same pattern. A group of characters have to get from one location to another without getting killed by a paranormal threat. It won’t take you by surprise but Raymond J. Barry and Barbara Crampton are both well-cast and, if you’re a fan of SyFy movies, you’ll probably enjoy Day of Reckoning.

Happy Birthday Boris Karloff: John Ford’s THE LOST PATROL (RKO 1934)

Posted on November 23, 2016 by gary loggins

cracked rear viewer

King of Classic Horror Boris Karloff was born on this date in 1887. The actor is beloved by fans for his work in genre flicks like FRANKENSTEIN, THE MUMMY , THE BLACK CAT, THE BODY SNATCHER , and many other screen tales of terror. But Karloff had always prided himself on being a working actor, and stepped outside the genre bounds many times. He excelled in some early gangster classics (THE CRIMINAL CODE, SCARFACE), played George Arliss’ nemesis in HOUSE OF ROTHSCHILD, was a Chinese warlord in WEST OF SHANGHAI, an Oriental sleuth in Monogram’s MR. WONG series, the psychiatrist in THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY, and a scientist in THE VENETIAN AFFAIR . And then there’s John Ford’s THE LOST PATROL.

The film itself tells the story of a British troop traveling through the Mesopotamian desert circa 1917. When their leader is shot dead by an unseen Arab bullet, the stoic Sergeant…

View original post 519 more words

Cleaning Out the DVR Yet Again #11: 400 Days (dir by Matt Osterman)

Posted on November 22, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I recorded 400 Days off of the SyFy channel on November 6th. Apparently, it got a very brief theatrical run earlier in the year. Yeah, I don’t remember it either…

I will never talk about this again #400days

— Tony (@TonySolo) November 6, 2016

400 Days stars Dane Cook as an astronaut!? Oh my God, that sounds like a formula for intergalactic, kinda-edgy-but-not-really wackiness! Oh, and this film features Dane and three other astronauts locked in a simulator for 400 Days!? Wow, I bet Dane will be driving them crazy with all sorts of wacky frat boy antics!

Well, no, not quite. 400 Days is actually an extremely serious film, one that doesn’t seem to have much use for what the rest of us would call humor. In anticipation of future exploration of space, NASA arranges for four astronauts to be put into an underground bunker for 400 days. The idea is that they’ll be able to study the effects of complete isolation and confinement but, naturally, things soon start to get weird.

For instance, Dvorack (that would be Dane Cook’s role) is this alpha male who is kind of a jerk and he’s always throwing his weight around and giving orders and looking down on his more scientifically inclined colleagues. At one point, Dvorack stares at himself in a mirror and imagines his face falling apart. AGCK!

And then there’s Bug (Ben Feldman), who is an emotionally unstable scientist who is still struggling to deal with being separated from his son. (His son may be dead. There’s a scene in a hospital but I’m not sure if it was a flashback or a hallucination or what.) Bug is soon locking himself away in his room and drawing a maze on the wall. Maybe he’s mad because everyone keeps calling him Bug. It’s not a flattering nickname.

Let us never mention that again. #400Days

Last half hour of #Aliens – Ripley just met Mama.

— Doug 😷🌍✌️ (@dougclose) November 6, 2016

And then there’s Captain Cooper (Brandon Routh) and Dr. McTier (Caity Lotz). Cooper and McTier used to go out but then they broke up two weeks before the start of the experiment. Wow, that sounds like a formula for awkward relationship comedy! Just wait until Dane Cook starts flirting with McTier and snarkily challenging Cooper’s authority…

Oh wait — sorry. This is a serious movie. A very serious movie.

https://twitter.com/ItsMeKarenMarie/status/795099528160575488

Anyway, after about two weeks in the bunker, the four astronauts hear a loud explosion above them. Has something happened on the outside!? Or is it just a part of the experiment?

And then, 300+ days later, an emaciated man emerges from an air vent! Finally convinced that something has happened on the outside, the four astronauts leave the bunker and discover that the Earth is a now a dark and windy place that is covered with dust. There’s a dilapidated town nearby. It’s apparently run by a mysterious man named Zell (Tom Cavanagh as the most unlikely war lord since Hugh Grant showed up in Cloud Atlas).

But again — is this real or is this just a part of the experiment?

well that was a goddamn waste of time. #400Days

— Paul Muad'Dibs on that pizza (@cloneposter) November 6, 2016

It’s an intriguing question but I’m going to warn you not to expect an answer. While I don’t want to spoil the film for anyone, I do feel like I have an obligation to let you know that this film ends on a note of very deliberate ambiguity. It’s the exact type of ending that tends to get on people’s nerves. As I watched 400 Days off of my DVR, I did a twitter search to find out what some of my friends thought about this film when it originally aired.

#400Days @Syfy
That was bullshit.

— Snake Doctor🐍👨‍⚕️ (@TimBuntley) November 6, 2016

I have no words #400Days

— Myrn (@LeMyrn) November 6, 2016

https://twitter.com/ggfletcher/status/795099413098229761

With all that in mind, I will now cautiously admit that I didn’t hate 400 Days. While I thought the execution left a lot to be desired, I kind of liked the idea behind the film. The problem with the film’s ending was not that it was ambiguous as much as it hadn’t really earned the right to be ambiguous. If you’re going to go with an open ending, you have to provide enough clues and details that the audience can still have an opinion about what actually happened after the end credits rolled. As oppose to something like Inception or Upstream Color, 400 Days didn’t really didn’t build up to its enigmatic conclusion. Unearned ambiguity just feels like narrative laziness.

That said, I liked the design of the bunker and, as I said before, I liked the idea of watching these four characters trying to figure out what’s real and what’s a hallucination. Dane Cook did okay with his role, though ultimately he was still just Dane Cook trying to be serious. However, Brandon Routh and Caity Lotz did well, despite both being saddled with rather underdeveloped roles.

400 Days wasn’t that terrible…

That was in my top five WORST MOVIES EVER. #400Days

— Scott Braveboy 🦖 (@TScottBrave) November 6, 2016

Outside the (Hat) Box: PHANTOM LADY (Universal 1944)

Posted on November 22, 2016 by gary loggins

cracked rear viewer

Interested in a Hitchcockian 40’s thriller full of suspense and noir style? Then PHANTOM LADY is the film for you, a small gem based on a Cornell Woolrich novel and directed by the talented Robert Siodmak. I wouldn’t go so far as to call this film noir like many do, but it certainly contains many of the stylistic elements of the genre in its gripping murder mystery story. Pretty damn close, though!

The Hitchcock influence clearly comes from Joan Harrison , former secretary and screenwriter for The Master of Suspense, who became one of only three female producers working during Hollywood’s Golden Age. There’s Hitchcock’s famed McGuffin to be found in the form of a “crazy hat” worn by the mysterious woman of the title that’s crucial to the film’s plot. Add the tension ratcheted up by screenwriter Bernard Schoenfeld and you’ve got a Hitchcock movie without Hitchcock.

The noir elements…

View original post 525 more words

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #10: The World’s Greatest Sinner (dir by Timothy Carey)

Posted on November 22, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As I continued to clean out my DVR, I decided to take a break from watching Lifetime films and, instead, I watched a movie that I recorded off of TCM on October 30th.

Filmed in 1962 but apparently never given an official theatrical release, The World’s Greatest Sinner is a genuine oddity and one that everyone should see at least once. The infamously eccentric character actor Timothy Carey wrote, directed, and starred as Clarence Hilliard, a small-town insurance salesman who, one day, decides to quit his job and … well, your guess is as good as mine as to what he’s doing or why he’s doing it. Here’s what I can tell you for sure: after stumbling across a concert and seeing how excited everyone is over rock and roll music, Clarence decides to become a street preacher. While standing on bags of fertilizer, Clarence preaches that everyone is God and that everyone can live forever.

At first, Clarence faces persecution for his beliefs but soon, he has a loyal cult following. He funds his new church by seducing elderly widows and he even becomes a rock star himself. At first, he’s held back by his lack of facial hair but then he starts to wear a fake goatee. He even changes his name to God Hilliard and, while he may have alienated his family, he is now loved by young people everywhere. In fact, in a remarkably icky scene, we find out that the 40-something God now has a 14 year-old girlfriend.

God Hilliard is so popular that he’s approached by a shadowy figure who suggests that maybe he should run for President. As the candidate for the Eternal Man Party, God gives ranting speeches that are listening to by his rabid fans, the majority of whom are now wearing arm bands with the letter “F” on them. (F for Faust, perhaps? Or F for Fake, as Orson Welles might argue.) At first, the press ignores God but God runs as an outsider, giving speeches in which he promises to do away with the establishment and return the government to the people and … well, let’s just say that this film, which was obviously designed to be an over the top satire, now feels more than a little prophetic.

It looks like God Hilliard is about to become the most powerful man in the free world but the other God — the one who is vengeful and jealous and capable of throwing lightning bolts and all that — might have other plans….

(Incidentally, this entire story is told in 77 minutes, which should give you some clue of just how frantically paced The World’s Greatest Sinner is.)

Oh my God (not, not you Clarence), this is a weird film. It’s shocking today so I can only imagine how it must have looked to audiences in 1962. (Or, I should say, how it would have looked if it had actually been given a theatrical release.) Admittedly, The World’s Greatest Sinner is a ragged film, full of haphazard editing and occasionally inconsistent sound. Made for just $90,000, its low budget is obvious in almost every scene. And yet, all of this works to the film’s advantage. The World’s Greater Sinner literally feels like a cinematic dream, with its inconsistencies contributing to its otherworldly feel. This is one of those films that you need to see at least once because you’ll probably never see another one like it.

The entire film is a Timothy Carey production. He wrote, produced, directed, and starred, creating an indie film at a time when being independent was something more than just a trendy buzzword. If you’re into classic films — and particularly if you’re a fan of Stanley Kubrick’s early work — you might recognize Carey. He was one of those legendary character actors who was always called upon whenever a movie needed a memorable crazy or an intimidating henchman. From what I’ve read, Carey was reportedly as eccentric as the characters that he played. His performance in The World’s Great Sinner swings back and forth between being histrionic and being surprisingly subtle, often in the same scene. The same can be said of his direction. For every uneven or poorly lit scene, there’s another that’s artfully composed and full of surprising detail.

The World’s Greatest Sinner is simply something that has to be seen to believed.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #9: Inspired To Kill (dir by Michael Feifer)

Posted on November 22, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Wow, it’s Antonio Sabato, Jr. again!

That’s right, Inspired To Kill co-stars Antonio Sabato, Jr. Interestingly enough, the previous movie that I watched in my effort to clean out the DVR, Remote Paradise, also co-starred Antonio Sabato, Jr. Also interestingly enough, both Inspired to Kill and Remote Paradise feature Sabato playing an enigmatic, older man who has an affair with a lonely and insecure woman. In both films, it turns out that Sabato is not exactly who he first appears to be. (If you want, feel free to insert your own joke about Sabato endorsing Donald Trump here because I’m too lazy to come up with one.) Perhaps not coincidentally, both films were directed by Michael Feifer and both films premiered on the Lifetime Movie Network.

(For the record, I recorded Inspired To Kill off of LMN on November 13th.)

Inspired To Kill tells the story of Kara (Karissa Lee Staples), a self-described aspiring writer who is recovering from a personal trauma. (Her boyfriend was murdered, which is definitely one way to get out of a relationship.) Having fled the painful memories of her former life in New York City, Kara is now living in Los Angeles and everything should be perfect….

Except, it’s not!

Yes, Kara may be living in L.A. but everyone knows that, if you want to be a real writer, you have to live in NYC.

Yes, Kara has been accepted into a prestigious creative writing program but her professor (Jay Pickett) is a total sleaze who keeps trying to hit on her.

Yes, Kara has managed to land a job as a barista but her boss (Daniel Booko) is a demanding jerk. He even gets upset when she misses work for several days in a row.

Yes, Kara has met the cute and charming Jason (Matthew Atkinson) but Jason sometimes seems oddly hesitant about pursuing a relationship with her. (Plus, Jason wants to be a lawyer, which means that, when the revolution does come, he might be on the wrong side.)

Yes, Kara is renting a room from the fun-loving Charlie (Olivia d’Abo) but Charlie is also a heavy drinker and can be a bit self-absorbed. Charlie’s solution to every problem is to go out, get drunk, and pick up a college student … actually, Charlie might have the right idea…

And yes, Kara has finally managed to meet her idol, the true crime writer P.K. Reese (Antonio Sabato, Jr) but there seems to be something a little bit off about him. He’s supportive of her as a writer but, at the same time, he gets upset if anyone other than him reads her work. He says that he wants to meet her friends and yet, he goes out of his way to avoid them. And when more and more people in her life start to suddenly die, Kara finds herself wondering if maybe her new lover was somehow involved…

You’re probably thinking that you’ve got Inspired To Kill all figured out but there’s a big twist that occurs towards the end of the film. Now, I have to admit that I figured out the twist, largely because I’ve seen so many Lifetime films that it is now basically impossible to fool me. But, even with that in mind, the twist was still pretty clever and actually, a lot of fun in its wonderfully implausible way. I mean, if you’re expecting the twist to actually make any sense than you have no business watching a Lifetime movie in the first place. Don’t worry about logic. Just sit back and enjoy the film.

Anyway, I rather liked Inspired To Kill. It’s an enjoyable and well-acted little thriller, one that will keep you entertained. It’s the type of unapologetically crazed and lurid melodrama that reminds me why I fell in love with the Lifetime Movie Network in the first place. Inspired To Kill is a lot of fun. Keep an eye out for it!

What Lisa Watched Last Night #160: Nightmare Wedding (dir by Jose Montesinos)

Posted on November 20, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, in between wrapping birthday presents and eating dinner, I watched the latest Lifetime premiere, Nightmare Wedding!

Why Was I Watching It?

It all started a little over 6 years ago when Arleigh asked me if I’d like to review movies for the Shattered Lens. When I said yes, that meant I was promising to watch and review as many movies as possible. If I hadn’t watched and reviewed Nightmare Wedding, I would be breaking my promise to Arleigh!

Add to that, Nightmare Wedding was a Lifetime film and I love Lifetime films! And let’s be honest — how can you not watch something called Nightmare Wedding? That’s a great title!

What Was It About?

After six years of dating, Max (Isaac Reyes) and Sandy (Nicola Posener) are finally getting married! However, there’s a bit of a problem: Max’s friend, Roman (Evan Henderson), suddenly shows up for the ceremony. Before she got together with Max. Sandy briefly dated Roman. Now, she hates Roman. Her family hates Roman. He friends hate Roman. Everyone hates Roman except for Max!

For his part, Roman is still in love with Sandy and he’s obsessed with both stopping the wedding and winning her back. And if that means that he has to kill a few people, send a few incriminating text messages, and do a few other shady things, that’s what Roman’s going to do!

Sandy’s friend Lisa (Angie Teodora Dick) attempts to confront Roman about his stalkerish behavior. Unfortunately, she makes the mistake of doing this while standing on the edge of a cliff. Roman responds by tossing her over the side. AGCK! I hate it when they kill off anyone named Lisa!

What Worked?

This was the epitome of a Lifetime guilty pleasure. Yes, the plot was totally ludicrous and, to a large extent, Roman’s plan depended upon everyone being an idiot. But, even with that in mind, the movie was still a lot of fun. One thing that I especially appreciated was the fact that Roman was so obviously psychotic and yet no one ever seemed to notice or care. Normally, that might be cause for criticism but Nightmare Wedding pushed things to such an extent that it became oddly charming.

Nicola Posener did a good job in the role of Sandy. You had sympathy for her and you really did find yourself hoping that she would get to have her dream wedding. Evan Henderson went so far over the top as Roman that his performance actually worked in a very odd and unexpected sort of way.

(Add to that, Evan bared just enough of a resemblance to Ryan Hansen that I could pretend that I was watching a spin-off of Veronica Mars.)

What Did Not Work?

Max was such a wimp! Seriously, after about five minutes, I found myself repeatedly shouting, “Be a man!” whenever he showed up on the screen. You didn’t want Sandy to get together Roman but, at the same time, it was impossible not to feel that she could have done a lot better than Max.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I related to Megan (Gina Vitori), Sandy’s fun-loving sister. She was determined to have a good time, regardless of how many psychos showed up for the wedding. Watching Megan defiantly refuse to take the wedding seriously reminded me of my own refusal to take 2016 seriously. Good for Megan!

Lessons Learned

Never call out a psycho while standing on the edge of a cliff. It’s just common sense.

That’s Blaxploitation! 8: SUPER FLY (Warner Brothers 1972)

Posted on November 19, 2016 by gary loggins

cracked rear viewer

Pimpmobiles, outrageous fashions, and the funkiest score in movie history are only part of what makes SUPER FLY one of the best Blaxploitation/Grindhouse hits of all time. This low-budget film by director Gordon Parks Jr. captures the grittiness of 70’s New York in a way few larger productions ever could in its portrait of a street hustler yearning to get out of the life.

Priest is a New York City coke dealer with all the outward trappings of success. As his partner Eddie puts it, he’s got “8-Track stereo, color TV in every room, and you can snort a half piece of dope every day… that’s the American dream, nigga! Ain’t it?”. To Priest, the answer is no. He’s tired of the hustle, the rip-off artists, and the deadbeats like Fat Freddie, and he’s got a plan to get out for good by scoring 30 keys through his mentor Scatter, selling…

View original post 635 more words

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #8: Remote Paradise (dir by Michael Feifer)

Posted on November 18, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR! It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet. So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR! She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Thanksgiving, November 24th! Will she make it? Keep checking the site to find out!)

I recorded Remote Paradise off of the Lifetime Movie Network on October 30th. As is often the case with Lifetime movies, Remote Paradise was actually produced under a different title: Dark Paradise. I’m not sure why, exactly, Lifetime decided that Remote was somehow more appealing than Dark. But regardless, Paradise is Paradise, right?

Anyway, as this film started, I thought I might be able to relate to its story. I say this despite the fact that, in the starring role, poor Boti Bliss was occasionally forced to wear some of the most unflattering outfits that I’ve ever seen in a Lifetime film. Seriously, a huge reason why I watch Lifetime films is because I like seeing what people are wearing and how they decorate their homes. At the start of the movie, Tamara (played, of course, by Boti Bliss) not only wears horrid overalls but she also lives in a pretty small and cramped house. That was definitely a red flag.

However, once I got over her house and her sense of style, I started to relate to Tamara. At the start of the film, she’s informed that her father has died and she’s inherited close to 8 million dollars! A shocked Tamara mentions that she and her father didn’t even get along.

Hey! I thought, I used to fight with my Dad too!

Since Tamara has just broken up with her boyfriend, she decides to invest the money by going on a trip with her two best girlfriends.

Hey! I thought, I’m close to my girlfriends too!

So, they got to Hawaii.

OH MY GOD! I yelled I’VE BEEN TO HAWAII!

While in Hawaii, Tamara meets a sexy boat captain who claims that his name is Dario (played by Antonio Sabato, Jr). Dario says that he’s from Italy.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!? I’VE BEEN TO ITALY!

Soon, Tamara is swept off her feet by the handsome but mysterious Dario. She spends all of her time with him, dreaming of their future together.

OH MY GOD, I HAVE A WEAKNESS FOR HANDSOME AND MYSTERIOUS TOO!

Meanwhile, one of her friends is beat into a coma by an unknown attacker….

Okay, I can’t relate to that. I guess I should be happy about that…

One morning, Tamara wakes up to discover that not only is Dario gone but so is her bank account. That’s right, Dario stole all of her money and then fled Hawaii!

Sorry, Tamara, can’t relate…

And — oh my God! — Dario’s not even Italian! Tamara learns that Dario has been overheard speaking in Portuguese! OH MY GOD — HE’S BRAZILIAN!

Okay, I’ve lost the ability to relate to the movie…

And so, Tamara and her non-coma friend go to Brazil, looking for revenge. And I will say this for “Dario.” He may be sleazy. He may be evil. He may be every woman’s worst nightmare. But damn!, he’s got a nice house!

I like nice houses! But … no, sorry, still no longer relating…

Anyway, Remote Paradise is okay. Boti Bliss has been in several Lifetime films and she always tends to overact but that actually worked to her advantage here as Tamara seemed to be an overly dramatic person in general. (I especially enjoyed the way she spat out the word “bastard,” when she saw Dario’s car.) The story’s predictable but there’s a last minute twist that will not take you by surprise but, fortunately, the film does shy away from letting the Tamara pursue her vengeance. In the end, what’s important is that the beach looked good and so did Brazil and so did Antonio Sabato, Jr.

And, most importantly, so did his house!