It’s a good thing that skeleton was there to cut through the chain that was holding the door closed or you might have missed this performance from W.A.S.P.
This music video seems tame today but, back in the 80s, this was exactly the sort of thing that was sending Tipper Gore and the other members of the PMRC into a panic.
What does W.A.S.P. stand for? We Are Sexual Perverts was one popular guess but not a correct one. In an interview, Blackie Lawless said it stood for, “We ain’t sure, pal.”
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989! The series can be streamed on YouTube!
This week, Lucy learns that she has the worst friends in the world.
Episode 3.3 “A Big Girl Now”
(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on December 5th, 1988)
Lucy is totally in love with Paul, her older boyfriend from the high school. At first, all of her friends are excited for her but then Lucy stops spending time with them and they start to get jealous. When Lucy misses L.D.’s big soccer game because she already has plans with Paul, Lucy promises to make it up to L.D. and everyone else by letting them have a party at her house.
But then Paul and his high school friends discover that Lucy’s parents are out of town and they decide that they should throw a party of their own. And when they announce that they don’t want any “niners” other than Lucy at the party, Lucy agrees to lie to her friends. She tells them that the party’s been cancelled because of a family crisis.
Needless to say, both L.D. and the Farrell twins discover that Lucy lied to them. (It doesn’t help that Paul and his friends chant, “Party! Party!” when they pull up in front of Degrassi.) Lucy loses their friendship and, because she doesn’t want to have sex and risk getting pregnant like Spike did, Lucy also loses her boyfriend. What she does get is a “reputation” because everyone assumes she had sex with Paul even though she didn’t.
Poor Lucy! Listen, Lucy should not have lied about the party. And Paul really was a jerk. But her friends need to cut Lucy some slack. Lucy’s parents are never home, she’s still dealing with the trauma of being groomed by that creepy substitute last season, and she’s not even allowed to shoplift anymore. So, Lucy made some mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes!
Why can’t Lucy’s friends be as forgiving as Wheels? During this episode, Snake finally approaches Wheels and apologizes for not talking to him since the funeral for Wheels’s parents. Snake admits that he didn’t know what to say and Wheels admits that he’s struggling with depression. Wheels explains that he no longer wants to go to school and he certainly doesn’t want to be a part of the Zit Remedy. Still, Wheels is clearly touched by Snake’s apology. Both Neil Hope and Stefan Brogren did a good job of portraying the combination of awkwardness and sincerity that lies at the heart of their friendship.
.Finally, the results of the student election are announced. To the surprise of no one, Nancy Kramer defeats Kathleen for student council president. Kathleen becomes Vice President. Melanie begs Kathleen to nominate her for the dance committee. Kathleen, however, tells Nancy that only niners (and Melanie is not a niner) should be allowed to serve on a committee. Melanie overhears and proceeds to pour a carton of milk in Kathleen’s hair. Poor Kathleen! Seriously, ladies, be more like Snake and Wheels and support each other!
This episode felt like it was setting up a lot of future storylines. Will Lucy get her friends back? Will Wheels ever regain his love of life? Will Kathleen be able to get all the milk out of her hair? We’ll find out next week!
I felt pretty bleh for most of this week but I did enjoy the rain and I’m looking forward to more of it. Hopefully, this upcoming week will feature a bit less malaise.
Unfrosted is a thoroughly amiable and goofy comedy about the invention of the Pop Tart.
Taking place in an imaginary 1963, Unfrosted tells the story of the Cereal Wars. Kellog’s and Post are competing for dominance in the kids breakfast food market, dominating the scene while the dour folks at Quaker can only shake their heads in holier-than-thou shame. Bob Cabana (played by the film’s director, Jerry Seinfeld) is a Kellog’s exec who spends his day dealing with pompous cereal mascots (led by a hilarious Hugh Grant) and the somewhat random whims of his boss, Edsel Kellog III (Jim Gaffigan). He dreams of someday having a lawn made out of sod and also having enough money to send his kids to a good college. “Those colleges can cost $200 a year!” he says, at one point.
Life is good until he discovers that Post — headed up by Marjorie Post (Amy Schumer) — is developing a type of new breakfast food that could revolutionize the industry and dethrone Kellog’s as America’s top cereal company. Bob gets Edsel’s permission to try to create something that will beat Post’s new product to the shelves. But first, Bob has to go to NASA and convince brilliant engineer Donna “Stan” Stankowski (Melissa McCarthy) to abandon the moon project and return to Kellog’s. “You know we’re never going to land on the moon,” Bob tells her.
Soon, the entire nation is riveted by the competition between Post and Kellog’s. Walter Cronkite (Kyle Dunnigan) reports on every development, in between complaining about his wife and playing with silly putty. The Russians decide to help Post, leading the world to the brink of nuclear war while President Kennedy (Bill Burr) spends his time with the Doublemint Twins. Harry Friendly (Peter Dinklage), head of the milk syndicate, warns that kids better not stop eating cereal while Bob finds himself being menaced by a sinister milkman (Christian Slater). A German scientist (Thomas Lennon) and Chef Boyardee (Bobby Moynihan) combine a sea monkey with a square of ravioli, leading to a new life form that lives in the Kellog’s ventilation system. Steve Schwinn (Jack McBrayer), the bicycle guy, risks his life to test a prototype while a super computer is shipped to Vietnam and turns into Colonel Kurtz and….
Okay, you’re getting the idea. This is a silly, joke-a-minute film that is in no way meant to be taken seriously. It’s obvious that Seinfeld and his co-writers greatly amused themselves while writing the script and your amusement will depend on whether or not you’re on the same wavelength. I enjoyed the film, because I love history and I love pop culture and I like random homages to other films. Not all of the jokes landed. There’s a lengthy Mad Men parody that, while funny, still feels several years too late. But, for the most part, I enjoyed the amiable goofiness of it all.
Unfrosted is currently getting some savagely negative reviews but that has more to do with Seinfeld’s recent comment that the “extreme left” was ruining comedy. Though most people would probably consider Seinfeld’s comment to be common sense (and would also realize that Seinfeld was condemning the “extreme” as opposed to liberalism in general), the online folks, many of whom were already angry over Seinfeld’s outspoken support of Israel, were scandalized and most mainstream film reviewers today never want to get on the bad side of an online mob, regardless of how annoying that mob may be. (Even a positive review in TheHollywood Reporter contained an odd passage in which the reviewer seemed to beg forgiveness for giving a non-condemnatory review to a film made by someone on the other side.) Of course, there are also some reviewers who are currently overpraising this film as a way to “own the libs.” The fact that a film as silly and inoffensive as this one could suddenly find itself at the center of the culture war tends to prove Seinfeld’s point.
The important thing is that Unfrosted is amusing and, in the end, rather likable. I enjoyed it.
After witnessing a fight between two criminals and a young man in a convenience store, Ozzy (Shashawnee Hall) decides to track the man down. Ozzy owns a gym and he thinks that the man could be one of the next great MMA fighters. When Ozzy finds Remo Street (Casper Smart), he offers Remo a job at his gym. Street will just be cleaning up the place and serving as a sparring partner but he’ll also get to train for free. Street agrees.
Street almost immediately runs afoul Ozzy’s main fighter, Greg (John Brickner). Greg is the son of the gum’s co-owner, James (Gregory Fawcett), a gambling addict who is in debt to the Russian mob. (Those same Russian mobsters are also forcing Street to fight in an underground fight club.) Greg does not appreciate that way that Street looks at his sister, Jasmine (Kate Miner). After Greg injures his usual sparring partner, Ozzy gives the job to Street. Greg and Street have to train hard because the championship is coming up.
Though it may take place in the world of MMA, Street is a typical boxing film and it doesn’t bring anything new to the genre. The fight scenes should be the highlight of the movie but they are so poorly edited that it’s hard to keep track of who is fighting who or who is winning. The final fight, which should have been the film’s crowning moment, feels like an anti-climax. The best boxing films emphasize the strategy and the training that the fighter uses to defeat his opponent but, in Street, we don’t even get to know who the fighters are or what their strengths are. Casper Smart gives a likable performance in the title role but Street never scores a knockout.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1972’s Playmates! It can be viewed on YouTube.
Playmates tells the story of two divorces.
Marshall Barnett (Alan Alda) is an attorney. He went to Yale and Harvard. He has a successful career. He has rich and educated friends. He has a nice bachelor pad. He also pays hundreds of dollars in alimony. He and Lois (Barbara Feldon) got divorced 3 years ago and Marshall is still bitter. He’s bitter that he has to pay her so much money. He’s bitter that he only gets to see his son on the weekends. He’s bitter that he can’t seem to start a new, meaningful relationship with anyone. He’s bitter that his wife still asks him to critique her modernist paintings.
Kermit Holvey (Doug McClure) is a blue collar welder. He has only been divorced for a few months and his relationship with ex-wife Patti (Connie Stevens) is nowhere near as contentious as Marshall’s relationship with Lois. Still, Kermit is struggling to adjust to being single and to only seeing his son on the weekends.
Marshall and Kermit meet one weekend while they are both taking their sons to the Kiddieland Amusement Park. Marshall is so overjoyed to meet someone else who is dealing with divorce that he comes on a bit strong in trying to get to know Kermit. Kermit, however, does eventually get over his initial weariness and soon, he and Marshall are best friends. It doesn’t matter that Marshall has a tendency to be a little bit condescending and that Kermit often can’t follow what Marshall is talking about. They spend most of their time talking about their ex-wives.
But then Kermit meets Lois and he discovers that her paintings really aren’t as bad as Marshall made them out to be. And Marshall meets Patti and he discovers that she’s not as dumb as Kermit made her out to be. Soon, Kermit is secretly dating Lois and Marshall is secretly dating Patti and anyone who has ever watched a comedy before knows that there is a big mess waiting in the future.
Playmates was one of those films that pretended to be a lot naughtier than it actually was. For all the winking and the occasional sly smiles, all that happens is that Kermit and Marshall both end up going out with women with whom they really don’t have much in common. And while it’s tempting to read a lot into how quickly Kermit and Marshall become friends and how they both end up dating the other’s female equivalent, I think that might be giving this film too much credit. (If it were made today, things might be different.) In the end, the film really has more to say about class than it does marriage, as both Marshall and Lois obviously view spending time with Kermit and Patti as being a way of slumming and building up some working class bona fides without actually having to be working class. Patti, to her credit, calls Marshall out on this. Marshall admits that she has a point but he still come across as if he’s talking down to her, largely because he’s played by Alan Alda, an actor who is a master at being somehow both likable and condescending at the same time.
Playmates is a well-acted film and there are some funny lines. The four main characters are all ultimately likable, even if they all have their moments where you can tell why they would be difficult to live with. It deserves some credit for following its story through to its natural conclusion, with one couple realizing that they still love each other while the other realize that they are better off divorced. The film may not be as radical as it pretends to be but it still doesn’t cop out on the ending. In the end, Playmates is probably best watched as a time capsule. It’s here if you ever want to experience 1972 firsthand.
What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or streaming? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!
If you were having trouble getting to sleep last night, you could have jumped over to Tubi or Prime and watched 2016’s Girl Lost.
Girl Lost tells the story of Shara (Jessica Taylor Haid), who we first see being abused by her mother’s boyfriend and then retreating outside to a pool so that she can run a razor blade over her thigh in peace. Shara is only 15 but she’s had to deal with things that no one should ever have to experience in a lifetime. Her mother, Kim (played by Robin Bain, who also directed the film), is a sex worker who expects her daughter to follow in her footsteps and who encourages Shara to pose for risqué photos that Kim then posts online.
Shara spends almost the entire film fleeing. At first, she and Kim flee Kim’s boyfriend. Eventually, Shara and her boyfriend, the well-meaning but not particularly bright Jamie (Felix Ryan), end up running away from Kim. They live on the streets and discover just how difficult it can be to survive on your own. In the end, no one can survive without money and Shara, just like her mother before her, comes to realize that there’s one guaranteed way to make that money, whether it’s waiting for a creepy guy in a back alley or getting a job talking on the phone to some pervy loser living in his mother’s basement. Eventually, Shara runs away from even Jamie and ends up working at a Russian-owned brothel. Throughout it all, her life continues to unravel. It’s a harsh world that Shara has been born into and it’s one where you either do what you have to do to survive or you end up imprisoned or worse. The film’s ends on a dark note. At first, I thought the ending was perhaps a bit too dark. After all that had happened, I wondered, what it have killed the film to end on a note of hope? But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the film ended in the the only way that the story could have ended. From the minute she was born, poor Shara never really had a chance.
It’s a deeply unsettling film. In fact, if you are trying to find something to help lull you into sleep, this is probably not the best film to go with unless you’re prepared to have some fairly upsetting dreams. Though shot on a low budget, the film captures the harshness of life on the fringes of society and both Jessica Taylor Haid and Robin Bain deserve a lot of credit for their performances as two characters who are not always likable but who are very recognizable. It’s a sad film that also serves as a tribute to every lost and forgotten soul out there.
The great character actor Lance Henriksen is 84 years old today!
Ever since he made his film debut in 1970, the legendary Henriksen has played a collection of villains, bikers, police officers, soldiers, and even the occasional android. One of his earliest appearance was in 1975’s Dog Day Afternoon. His role is small but he definitely makes an impression. His faux friendly suggestions that Sal point his gun upwards is the line that sets off the film’s haunting ending. For viewers today, of course, we know that Sal and Sonny are screwed as soon as Lance Henriksen shows up outside of the bank.
In today’s scene that I love, Lance Henriksen does what only a great character actor can do. In less than a minute, he created a truly unforgettable character.
4 Or More Shots From 4 Or More Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!
Happy Cinco De Mayo to all of our readers! It’s time for….
4 Shots From 4 Mexican Films
Los Olvidados (1950, dir by Luis Bunuel, DP: Gabriel Figuero)
Like Water For Chocolate (1992, dir by Alfonso Arau, DP: Emmanuel Luzbeki)
Cronos (1993, dir by Guillermo Del Toro, DP: Guillermo Navarro)
Pan’s Labyrinth (2006, dir. by Guillermo Del Toro, DP: Guillermo Nava)
Through the Shattered Lens 