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Review: Bates Motel 1.2 “Nice Town You Picked, Norma.”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

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Norman Bates has a brother?

Wow, who would have guessed?

That was the main addition that last night’s episode of Bates Motel provided to the Psycho mythology.  Played by Max Thierot (who was so good in last year’s underrated The House At The End of the Street), Dylan is Norman’s half-brother.  He was born when Norma was 17 years old and, as this episode quickly establishes, he’s a little bitter that Norma abandoned him and his father so that she could marry Sam Bates.

Actually, he’s more than a little bitter.  Bitterness appears to be Dylan’s only emotion.  From the minute that Dylan shows up at the Bates Motel, he’s angry.  Though he greets Norma with “Hello, mother,” (presumably so the slower members of the audience won’t be confused as to who he is), he spends the rest of the episode loudly refusing to call her anything other than “Norma” or “the whore.”

Dylan’s relationship with his half-brother isn’t much better.  About halfway through the episode, Norman reacts to Dylan’s taunting by attacking him with a meat cleaver and gets beaten up for his trouble.  “I told you not to do that!” Dylan shouts after he tosses Norman down to the kitchen floor.

To be honest, Dylan would pretty much be insufferable if not for the fact that he’s played by Max Thierot.  Much as he did in The House At The End Of The Street, Thierot is able to generate sympathy for a fairly unsympathetic character.  It helps, of course, that when compared to Norman and Norma, Dylan almost seems to be sensible.

Norma, meanwhile, has bigger problems than just her oldest son deciding to move back in with her.  She’s still trying to cover up the fact that she killed the previous owner of the motel.  It doesn’t help that Sheriff Romero (Nestor Carbonell) has discovered the dead man’s pickup truck parked near the motel.

Norma handles the situation by flirting with Deputy Shelby (Mike Vogel).  While Norman and Dylan are busy fighting in the kitchen, Norma and Shelby are at the town’s logging festival.  Judging from some of the feedback on twitter, I may be in a minority on this but I actually enjoyed the scenes between Shelby and Norma.  Vogel and Vera Farmiga had a very likable chemistry and I thought the scenes did a good job of establishing the town itself as a character.  Much as Lost had to leave the island, Bates Motel has to be able to tell stories outside of the motel and I think that tonight’s episode showed that it can.

Speaking of things happening outside of the motel, that’s probably where Norman (Freddie Highmore) should try to spend as much time as possible.  When he’s inside the motel, he spends all of his time looking at his little BDSM sketchbook and watching his mother while she undresses in front of him.  However, outside of the motel, he’s got a rather sweet relationship with a girl named Emma (Olivia Cooke).  Together, he and Emma research the origins of the sketchbook (“Don’t worry,” Emma says, “I’ve read lots of manga.”) and they even stumble across a local marijuana farm.

Norman ends up spending a lot of time with Emma because his other female friend, the oddly named Bradley (Nicola Peltz), spends most of the episode at the hospital.  Apparently, somebody set her father on fire.  However, as Deputy Shelby explains to Norma, the town has a way of taking care of trouble makers. That’s made pretty obvious at the end of tonight’s episode when Norma drives by another man who, in an apparent act of retribution, has been set on fire in the middle of the town square.

I enjoyed the second episode of Bates Motel.  It was full of atmosphere and Vera Farmiga’s performance continues to maintain the perfect balance between reality and camp.  Narratively, the story is still unfolding at a very deliberate pace but this episode provided enough intriguing clues to make me excited about seeing what happens next Monday.

That said, I still can’t help but feel that this show’s main weakness is the fact that , as opposed to being a stand alone series, it has to exist as part of the mythology of Psycho.  In many ways, Bates Motel reminds me of The Carrie Diaries, a prequel to Sex In The City that airs on CW.  It’s a well-acted show that’s full of a nicely observed moments but it’s still impossible for me to watch without thinking, “It doesn’t matter what happens because we already know Carrie’s going to eventually end up meeting and marrying Mr. Big.”

By the same token, I still find it next to impossible to watch Bates Motel without thinking to myself, “Eventually, regardless of what happens wit Dylan, Emma, or the pot farmers, Norman’s going to end up wearing Norma’s clothes, peeping on women in the shower, and killing them.”

Divorced from the Psycho mythology, Bates Motel is an entertaining and intriguing little show.  However, without the Psycho mythology, would a show called Bates Motel have ever made it to the air in the first place?

Random Observations:

  • The best scene, by far, was Norma’s alternatively friendly and creepy conversation with Emma.  “And what’s your life expectancy?”
  • How much do you want to bet that Dylan’s going to end up working with the pot farmers?
  • Speaking of the pot farm, am I the only one who was reminded of that episode of Lost where John Locke’s flashback dealt with the period of time he spent living on a commune?
  • I know I said this last week but seriously, how can you not love Nestor Carbonell?

Review: Bates Motel S1E1 “First You Dream, Then You Die” (dir by Tucker Gates)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

bates_motel

When I was in high school, I once wrote a short story for my creative writing class.  The story was basically about me and my friends shopping at the mall and it was full of quirky observations and funny dialogue.  I had a lot of fun writing it and, when I read it aloud, both the class and my teacher seemed to enjoy it.

However, when I got my paper back, I discovered that I had only gotten a B for my efforts.  At the top of the first page of my story, in bold red ink, my teacher had written: “As usual, you’re very observant and detailed.  However, I get the feeling that you mostly write to amuse yourself.  Why should anyone care about this story?”

At the time, I felt my teacher was being very unfair and I’m still not very happy about that comment.  Why should anyone care?  I thought.  Because I wrote it, that’s why!  However, as time has gone by, I’ve come to see (if not necessarily agree with) her point.  “Why should anyone care?” is the question that critics ask themselves every time they start a review.

“Why should anyone care?” is also the question that I asked myself every time I saw a commercial for Bates Motel on A&E.

The commercials promised that Bates Motel would be a prequel to one of the most memorable films ever made, Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho.  And while they were undeniably effective and occasionally disturbing, I still found myself wondering why anyone should care.  We all already know what Norman Bates is going to eventually become so is there really a need for a prequel to give us the exact details of how it happened?

In other words: Why should anyone care?

That’s the question that Bates Motel attempted to answer last night with its premiere episode.  It didn’t quite succeed.  As well-made as the episode was, Bates Motel exists in the long shadow of Psycho and one reason why Psycho remains a classic is because, storywise, it told us everything that we needed to know.  As a result of Anthony Perkins’s iconic lead performance, we ended that film feeling that we knew everything that we needed to know about both Norman Bates and how he became what he became.  The question for Bates Motel — even more than “Why should we care?” — is whether or not the show has anything new to tell us.

So far, it’s still too early to tell but I do hope that Bates Motel does find a reason for us to care because, if it does, it has the potential to be an entertaining and effective little show.

Last night’s episode started with teenage Norman Bates (Freddie Highmore) finding his father’s dead body.  When he informs his mother, Norma (Vera Farmiga), she doesn’t seem to be all that concerned.  In fact, the attentive observer might have even noticed a small smile on Norma’s lips.

6 months later, Norman and his extremely overprotective mother are moving to a new town.  Norma’s bought a run-down motel and she says that this will be the perfect way for her and Norman to start a new life.  However, the motel’s former owner disagrees and, when he attempts to rape Norma, he ends up getting stabbed to death and dumped in a bathtub.

Meanwhile, Norman is struggling to adapt to his new life.  During his first day of school, he manages to befriend four high school girls who, needless to say, are not approved of  by his mother.  Norman sneaks out of the house to go to a party but, like a good son, he still helps his mom dispose of a dead body.  He also manages to find a crudely illustrated BDSM booklet underneath the carpet in one of the motel rooms.  Hmmmm….that’s probably not going to turn out well…

There were some promising signs for the future to be found last night.  The entire episode had an undeniably creepy, off-center feel to it.  When the commercials leading up to the premiere first started to air, I was somewhat put off by the sight of Norman Bates listening to an iPod.  As I put it on twitter, “If Norman Bates was in his 30s in 1960, then how did he own an iPod when he was a teenager?”  However, after seeing last night’s episode, I saw that the show’s creators were actually being very clever in how they mixed modern technology (like that iPod) with various retro details.  This is the type of show where people get text messages while watching flickering black-and-white televisions and it gave this episode a timeless and, at times, rather surreal feel.

Another big plus was that, about halfway through the episode, Nestor Carbonell showed up.  In Bates Motel, Carbonell plays Sheriff Andy Romero.  He shows up to investigate the new owners of the motel, asks Norma a few insinuating questions, and then proceeds to take the world’s longest (and loudest) piss without once noticing that he’s standing next to a dead body.  Carbonell’s pretty much playing the same role that he played in last season’s Ringer but no matter.  Nestor Carbonell elevates anything that he’s involved with.

Freddie Highmore made for a sympathetic Norman and, perhaps most importantly, you can look at him and imagine him growing up to be Anthony Perkins.  However, not surprisingly, last night’s episode was dominated by Vera Farmiga.  Playing Norma as a character who is both sympathetic and frightening, Farmiga finds the perfect pitch for her performance.  Farmiga is brave enough to occasionally go over-the-top but she’s also a skilled enough actress that she never allows Norma to be anything less than credible.

In the end, both Norman and Norma are monsters that you can believe in and, for that reason, I’ll be interested to see what Bates Motel does with them over the next few episodes.

Random Observations:

  • That final scene was tres creepy, no?
  • Tonight’s episode was directed Tucker Gates, who previously directed episodes of Lost and Alias.
  • Vera Farmiga seriously kicks so much ass!  I hope that, when I grow up, I’m just like her.
  • Ever since I first saw him on Lost, I’ve loved Nestor Carbonell.  I wasn’t that enthusiastic about The Dark Knight Rises but I smiled when he showed up and then I shed a tear when his character was blown up.
  • When Norman went to that party with his new friends, I tweeted, “OMG, Norman’s trapped in a Harmony Korine movie!”
  • Despite having mixed feelings about whether or not the show is really all that necessary, I’m still looking forward to watching and reviewing the next few episodes of Bates Motel.  I’m just hoping that the show doesn’t devolve into a “murder-a-week” format.
  • Speaking of which, who do you think will be the first character to be menaced while taking a shower?  Because you so know it’s going to happen…

What Lisa Marie and Erin Nicole Watched Last Night #74: California Dreams 3.12 “Harley and the Marlboro Man” (dir by Patrick Maloney)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, my sister Erin (a.k.a. Dazzling Erin) and I watched a very special episode of California Dreams, “Harley and the Marlboro Man.”

Why Were We Watching It?

If you follow me on twitter, then you may have noticed something last night.   Whether it was just that I was having a long day or the fact that I’ve been somewhat manic since December, I was a neurotic mess.  It all started when I tried to change my profile pic on twitter and I discovered that apparently, twitter has changed the way that they do profile pics and, as a result, this really great picture of me had to be cropped and then it ended up looking totally tiny on screen and this led to me trying 30 different profile pics in just 15 minutes and none of them looked good in tiny twitter form and I was just getting so frustrated and … well, you get the idea.

Fortunately, my wonderful sister knew how to calm me down.  She suggested that I distract myself from obsessing over my profile pic by watching something either on TV or online.  And what better to watch than an episode of a mediocre 90s sitcom!?  Unfortunately, as much as I tried, I couldn’t find any episodes of Saved By The Bell: The New Class to watch.

So, I watched yet another episode of California Dreams instead.  And since it was her idea, I forced Erin to watch it with me!

What Was It About?

Lead guitarist, motorcycle enthusiast, and leather fetishist Jake (Jay Anthony Franke) is entering a motorcycle contest and his Uncle Frank shows up to help him out.  Frank, it turns out, taught Jake  everything Jake knows about being cool but — gasp! — Frank smokes!

And soon, Jake is smoking too.

DOUBLE GASP!

What Worked?

This episode is part of a proud television tradition.  Every show that’s aimed towards younger viewers has to have at least one episode where one of the characte’s takes up smoking and ends up getting ostracized as a result.  This episode of California Dreams is almost a prototypical anti-smoking episode — i.e., the character is inspired to smoke by an older role model, all of his friends are shocked and scandalized to discover that he would even think of smoking, a lot of statistics are awkwardly stuffed into the script (“Did you know that 89% smokers started smoking between the ages of 15 and 27?”), and the older role model is eventually punished with lung cancer.  This episode of California Dreams hits all of the expected notes and it does so far more efficiently than Saved By The Bell: The New Class did.

To be honest, Jake is a pretty silly character with his heavy leather jackets and his perpetual scowl but, in this episode, Jay Anthony Franke gives a fairly good performance.

Up until things got serious with Uncle Frank, this episode had a lot of camp appeal.  There was something oddly endearing about how scandalized everyone was over the fact that Jake was smoking.  I also found it interesting that it only took 6 or 7 cigarettes for Jake to turn into an addict.  Seriously, even I — with my asthma and everything else — smoked more than 7 cigarettes back in high school.  And I never found myself madly pacing back and forth while craving my next fix.

On a personal note, this episode calmed me down and I’m thankful for that!

What Did Not Work?

Hey, it was California Dreams.  Even the stuff that don’t work are a major part of the show’s appeal.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I have severe asthma and it was even worse when I was little.  As a result, my mom was always very protective of me and my poor, little lungs.  If anyone lit a cigarette anywhere near me, mom would always tell them to put it out because, “My daughter can not breathe.”  She also told me that I shouldn’t ever be around people who were smoking and, most importantly, I should never smoke myself.

Of course, that worked when I was little but then, as I grew up and I went through my whole rebellious phase, I found myself fascinated with both cigarettes and the people who smoked them.  Don’t get me wrong — I thought smoking cigarettes was a dangerous habit and I was too obsessed with dancing and too paranoid about my asthma to ever do anything more than take an occasional defiant puff but, at the same time, I still loved to watch certain people smoke and, whenever I dated a smoker, I always loved the way they tasted whenever I kissed them.

So, for once, I found that I could not relate to the character of Lorena in this episode of California Dreams.

Lessons Learned

Strange things calm me down.

Review: The Walking Dead S3E13 “Arrow on the Doorpost”

Posted on by Arleigh

TheWalkingDeadS3E13

“If we choose to destroy everything we fought for over the past year.” — Philip “The Governor” Blake

Tonight’s episode, simply titled “Arrow on the Doorpost”, looks to be the final calm before the storm that’s been brewing since the start of this third season for AMC’s The Walking Dead. It’s not a very action-oriented entry in what has been a season full of action, but it really looks to set the tone for what should be an explosive final stretch run that should see the two armed camps in the Prison and Woodbury fighting a war that everyone knows no one really comes out a winner.

We begin the episode with Rick, Daryl and Hershel (one leg and all) arriving at a secluded spot in what turns out to be a sort of zombie apocalypse UN Summit where Rick and the Governor can sit down and talk about things which looks to be leading them both into a violent confrontation. It’s interesting to note how the very person who planned and organized this summit would be none other than Andrea who has become Lori’s replacement as “most hated” character on the show. Even when she’s trying to be a productive character on the show the way she has been written and protrayed just ends up making her seem naive and overly cocksure of her situation when in reality she’s clueless.

It showed during the early parts of this episode when Andrea tries to mediate between the smug Governor and the barely constrained Rick and both men dismiss and ask her to leave the meeting. It’s almost darkly comical how two men who have a vested interest in killing the other would find such common ground and it’s the one character who continues to elude the show’s writers.

As for the meeting itself, for a set-up episode it’s certainly one that I’d consider one of the better ones. What the episode lacked in action (though it did have it’s small share involving a male-bonding sequence between Daryl and the Governor’s henchman Martinez) it made up for in some very tense back and forth between Rick and the Governor. This was the moment that could easily break the season if the meeting between these two alpha males didn’t come off well. The writing was quite good as we see the two men quietly manuever the meeting to their advantage. The Governor poking at Rick with secrets learned from Andrea about his relationship with Shane to Rick sitting there taking it all in and knowing that the Governor was trying his utmost to snow him and failing.

Daryl and Martinez got it right during their bonding session outside that the meeting was pointless. The two leaders would talk and make propositions and counters, but in the end both sides will send out word to their respective people that war was the only thing to do. It’s not idle speculation on Daryl’s and Martinez’s part either. Once the two sides part ways to make their decisions it’s not a huge surprise that the Governor would plan to ambush Rick and his people for a future meet he thinks Rick has agreed to while Rick has plainly lied to his people that the Governor just wants to take what they have and kill everyone. The offer to leave the group alone as long as Rick gives up Michonne doesn’t even get mentioned which just goes to show how much the katana-wielding lonewolf has suddenly become a part of the Rick Grimes Clan.

Some would consider “Arrow on the Doorpost” as one of the weakest episode of the season because it was too talky and lacked the action that the season has been known for, but it did serve a purpose. It finally introduced the two men whose decisions will put the two groups at war with each other. It showed the differences between the two leaders and the similarities between the people who followed them. In fact, the show did more than subtly hint that if the Governor wasn’t such a sociopath and Rick wasn’t such an emotional and psychological mess the Prison group and the people of Woodbury could easily pool resources and skills together to make a better life for everyone. But that’s not the case in this zombie apocalypse world where suspicion, megalomania and broken psyches rule the land.

There’s just three ore episodes left in season 3 and it looks like it’s nothing but action, blood, brains and sorrow left for the survivors of The Walking Dead.

Notes

  • Tonight’s episode, “Arrow on the Doorstop”, was written and directed by two newcomers to the series, Ryan C. Coleman and David Boyd respectively.
  • I think I might not have been the only one who thought that Rick should’ve just shot the Governor the moment he appeared for the meeting and end the problem between the two groups right then and there.
  • Andrea was much better as a character in this episode, but only just (I do believe that if the current producers of the show had to recast the show again I think Laurie Holden would be replaced by someone else).
  • Glenn back in prison is channeling his inner Ricktator and it’s not coming off well. he sounds more like a scared kid playing at being leader especially when it came to dealing with the rabble-rousing Merle Dixon. It’s a relief that Glenn later pulls his head out of his ass by apologizing to Maggie for how he’s been acting.
  • Which led to a surprisingly steamy sex scene between the two love birds that one would see as common on HBO but not on basic cable. The Walking Dead has definitely pushed the boundaries of whats to be expected and accepted when it came to violence and, now, sex on basic cable.
  • I did think that something bad was going to happen during or after that sex scene, but the writers seem to genuinely want to give these two lovebirds a chance at some normalcy and not fuck it up by having a zombie interrupt them.
  • Merle Dixon may not be an ideal member of the Rick Grimes group, but he does seem like he’s picked the role of redneck Devil’s advocate whose more than willing to air out the bad news and possibilities to the group clinging to a semblance of hope that they have a chance of winning the coming war.
  • Hershel looks to have found a kindred spirit in Milton (who looks like he’s realizing that he may be backing the wrong horse in the Governor).
  • I think everyone would agree that a spin-off show starring Daryl Dixon and Martinez as the Odd Couple of the zombie apocalypse would be an instant hit.
  • Zombie Kill Count of tonight’s episode: 5.

Past Season 3 Episode Review

  1. Episode 1: “Seed”
  2. Episode 2: “Sick”
  3. Episode 3: “Walk With Me”
  4. Episode 4: “Killer Within”
  5. Episode 5: “Say the Word”
  6. Episode 6: “Hounded”
  7. Episode 7: “When the Dead Come Knocking”
  8. Episode 8: Made to Suffer
  9. Episode 9: The Suicide King
  10. Episode 10: Home
  11. Episode 11: I Ain’t a Judas
  12. Episode 12: Clear

What Lisa And Evelyn Watched Last Night #70: California Dreams S3E5 “Yoko Oh No!” (dir by Kevin Sullivan)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, my BFF Evelyn and I watched yet another episode of the old 90s sitcom California Dreams.

Why Were We Watching It?

Believe me, I would have much rather have been watching an old episode of Saved By The Bell: The New Class but. unfortunately, YouTube has yanked down nearly every episode of SBTB:TNC that’s ever been uploaded.  However, every episode of California Dreams is available on YouTube.  Why exactly it’s okay to violate California Dreams‘ copyright but not Saved By The Bell’s is a question for which there is no easy answer.

That said, ever since my sister Megan first introduced me to the show last December, I’ve grown to appreciate California Dreams.  For a terrible sitcom, it wasn’t that bad.

What Was It About?

So, in this episode, there’s yet another battle of the bands taking place at Sharky’s.  (I have to admit that there’s still a lot of episodes of California Dreams that I haven’t seen but, seriously, it seems that Sharky’s had a vattle of the bands every other week or so.)  Anyway, the Dreams are looking to win the Battle of the Bands for the 2nd time in a row but they’re going to have to beat Total Defiance, a rap group that’s edgy in a mid-90s, Saturday morning sitcom sort of way.

When Total Defiance’s manager, Rosie, calls Lorena “a groupie,” Lorena (played by Diana Uribe) asks to be allowed to sing with the Dreams.  At this point in the series, Lorena was dating Jake (Jay Anthony Franke), the leader of the Dreams.  So, of course, Lorena is allowed to join the group despite being totally tone deaf.

What Worked?

Though it probably wasn’t meant to be, Rosie’s dismissive description of the California Dreams and their music is actually pretty spot on.

This is a pretty good episode for both the character of Lorena and for the actress who played her.  Though everyone on YouTube seems to disagree with me, I actually think the Jake and Lorena were a good couple and I prefer the episode where she and Jake are together to the ones where Jake is dating Tiffani (Kelly Packard) and Lorena is going out with Sly (Michael Cade).

So, I’ve made my sisters, my boyfriend, my best friend, and my Australian friend watch an episode or two of California Dreams and they’ve all said the same thing: Lorena reminds them of me.  Despite the fact that I doubt that Lorena would ever be a fan of Italian horror, I can see their point.

What Did Not Work?

“Suuuuuuurf dudes with attitude … kinda groovy …. feeling mellow….”  Again, Rosie was right.

“OH MY GOD! Just like me!” Moments

Like Lorena, I’m a good dancer but I can’t sing to save my life.  In fact, my sisters claim that I’m tone deaf but I prefer the term “musically challenged.”

Unlike Lorena, I would never have faked laryngitis to get out of singing.  I would have gotten up on stage and screeched my little heart out.

Lessons Learned

If you want to sing despite having no talent, date a guy in a band.

Guilty Pleasure No. 4: The Jeremy Kyle Show

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Jeremy Kyle Wanker

I’ll just be honest about this.

I do not like Jeremy Kyle.

Jeremy Kyle is an English talk show host.  He hosts shows in both the United Kingdom and, since 2011, in the USA.  On both shows, he deals with the usual daytime television topics: infidelity, out-of-control teenagers, interventions, DNA tests, and lie detectors.  He is also perhaps the most unpleasant person that I have ever seen on television.

As opposed to other talk show hosts who pretend to be impartial, Jeremy Kyle is always quick to let us know that he hates his guests even more than we do.  When someone confesses to cheating on his or her spouse, Jeremy reacts as if he was the one being cheated on. With a permanent scowl on his face and speaking in a tone of voice that reeks of manufactured contempt, Jeremy Kyle repeatedly tells us that his main concern is the children and that he has no respect for anyone who he feels has put their own selfish desires first.

“In the UK,” he’ll find an excuse to shout during every episode, “we have a saying — keep it in your trousers, mate!”

In many cases, Kyle’s guests deserve to be yelled at but that doesn’t make Jeremy Kyle any less annoying.  For all of his shouting and his moral outrage, Jeremy Kyle is far too obvious a showman to be taken seriously as a sincere crusader for family values.  He’s made a career out of exploiting that which he claims to condemn and the fact that he seems so totally humorless about that fact makes him just as bad as the people he has on his show.  He’s a bully but he’s also a surprisingly ineffective one.  The main image that one retains from the Jeremy Kyle Show is the sight of a husband and wife screaming at each other while Jeremy impotently demands that they both be quiet.  The only time that Jeremy really has any control over his stage is when he has his ever present security team standing a few feet in front of him.

When I told my British friends that Jeremy Kyle now had a show in the States, they all had the same reaction.  They apologized.  As for me, I refused to sign that petition to deport Piers Morgan but if anyone starts a petition to deport Jeremy Kyle, I’ll be more than happy to put down my signature.

So, you may be asking, where does the pleasure from this guilty pleasure come from?

It comes from knowing that there’s always a possibility that one of Jeremy Kyle’s guests might lose it and punch Jeremy out.  Every time I’ve seen the Jeremy Kyle Show, I’ve always been struck by just how much everyone on the stage appears to hate Jeremy.  When I do watch this show, it’s because I’m waiting for those priceless moments when somebody will tell Jeremy to shut up and his face will briefly turn red.  I doubt that I’m alone in laughing whenever a guest unexpectedly jumps to his feet and Jeremy reacts by scurrying behind a security guard.  In those moments, Jeremy Kyle’s superior mask falls away and he’s revealed for the pathetic little martinet that he is.

On those rare occasions that I waste my time watching the Jeremy Kyle Show, I’m watching because something like this could happen:

That’s the real pleasure of The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Previous Guilty Pleasures:

  1. Half-Baked
  2. Save The Last Dance
  3. Every Rose Has Its Thorns

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #64: The 70th Annual Golden Globes

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the 70th Annual Golden Globe awards.  Judging from twitter, so did a lot of other people.  All I can say is that I hope my golden globes are as popular as this show when they’re 70 years old.

Why Was I Watching It?

I have to admit that I nearly didn’t watch it because I was in kind of a crappy mood on Sunday night.  Seriously,that night,  my twitter timeline was a testament to just how annoyed this little redheaded Irish girl can get.  But, in the end, I decided that I had to watch the Golden Globes because, even though I don’t care much for rich celebrities, I do love movies, I love TV, and I love award shows.  Add to that, I knew that if I didn’t watch the Golden Globes that would mean missing out on a chance to make countless references to my boobs and I just couldn’t do that to my followers on twitter.

What Was It About?

It was about celebrities getting drunk and winning awards and getting bleeped while delivering their acceptance speeches.  It was about the fact that the members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association will do anything to get George Clooney to come hang out with them.  It was about Tommy Lee Jones glaring, Jodie Foster rambling, and Quentin Tarantino using the n-word backstage.  It was about Ben Affleck winning Best Director and Argo beating Lincoln for best film.  It was about star fucking and star mocking.  It was the best of award shows and it was the worst of award shows.  In short, it was the Golden Globes.

What Worked?

To be honest, the 70th annual Golden Globes were a lot of fun.  The show moved quickly and most of the jokes were actually funny.  The assembled stars started drinking early and I think that helped out a lot.

Among those who won Golden Globes, the best acceptance speeches were given by Lena Dunham, Christoph Waltz, Ben Affleck, and Daniel Day-Lewis.  A lot of people were critical of Anne Hathaway’s acceptance speech but I thought it was sweet and genuine.

My favorite winner was Jennifer Lawrence, mostly because she specifically started her speech by mentioning that she had beaten “Meryl.”  Some people on twitter felt that was a bit rude but, quite frankly, I’ve grown tired of Meryl Streep showing up at every awards ceremony looking like grandma in a prom dress.

(Meryl, incidentally, was not at the Golden Globes last night because she had the flu.)

I thought Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig were funny when they did their little introduction for the Best Actress (Comedy/Musical) award but I thought Tommy Lee Jones’ annoyed glare was even funnier.

Tina Fey (who looked great) and Amy Poehler (who did not) were both great hosts and I loved Poelher’s joke about how torturous it must have been for Kathryn Bigelow to be married to James Cameron.  That’s one of the great things about the Golden Globes.  Unlike at the Oscars, people are willing to make jokes about James Cameron.

Unlike a lot of people, I found Jodie Foster’s “coming out” speech to be funny and wonderfully human.  That said, I wasn’t aware that Jodie Foster was ever in the closet.  Seriously, worst kept secret ever.

It was a genuinely exciting and nice moment when Argo was announced as the winner for Best Motion Picture (Drama), defeating the heavily favored Lincoln. While I liked both of those films, there is a definite backlash brewing against the seeming inevitability of Lincoln’s victory.

Finally, Sacha Baron Cohen was pretty annoying but, on the plus side, he did take the time to insult Russell Crowe’s singing.  As anyone who has ever watched South Park knows, this means that Crowe is going to jump in his tug boat and head off on a quest for vengeance.

And that’s the way things should be.

What Did Not Work?

A lot of people on twitter were really excited when Bill Clinton came out on stage to introduce the clip for Lincoln.  Myself, I hit mute as soon as I saw him.  I don’t watch awards shows to see redneck politicians.  Add to that, having Bill Clinton introduce Lincoln was yet another example of the nonstop hype that has led to people resenting both Steven Spielberg and his latest film.

The Golden Globes used to be a fun precursor to the actual Oscar nominations so it was hard not to be disappointed that, under this new schedule, the Golden Globes were awarded after the Oscar nominations had been announced.

“OMG!  Just like me!” Moment

"I'll show you some Golden Globes!"

“I’ll show you some Golden Globes!”

Lessons Learned

None.  I was too stubborn last night to learn any lessons.

10 Good Things That Lisa Marie Saw On TV In 2012

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Someday, I want to have my own tv network.  I’ll call it Lisa Marie Television (or LMTV for short) and it’ll be like Lifetime but with the Lisa Marie difference.  What’s the Lisa Marie difference?  Sweetheart, if you have to ask, you’ll never know.  El. Oh. El.

Anyway, as I wait for that day to come, I’m going to continue my series of posts on my favorites of 2012 by telling you about some of the best things that I saw on television over the course of the previous year:

1) SyFy Movies On Saturday

For me, one of the highlights of 2012 has been meeting and getting to know the Snarkalecs on twitter.  Who are the Snarkalecs?  We’re just a group of very witty people who are capable of appreciating films like Two-Headed Shark Attack and Arachnoquake.  Every Saturday night, we watch and live tweet whatever’s playing on the SyFy network.  It’s the perfect way to end the week.  My favorite SyFy film of 2012?  Jersey Shore Shark Attack.

2) The Basic Lupine Urology episode of Community

A great crime has occurred at Greendale Community College.  A yam has been callously destroyed and the study group is going to find out who was responsible and make sure the perpetrator is punished to the full extent of the law.  This spot-on perfect parody of Law and Order was one of the highlights of Community’s third season.  Donald Glover and Danny Pudi were simply adorable playing good cop/bad cop.

3) Joe Manganiello and Alexander Skarsgard on True Blood

The latest season of True Blood may have been uneven but whenever Alexander Skarsgard or Joe Manganiello showed up on-screen, the show was perfect (especially if they happened to be naked at the time).

4) South Park

As always.  This year highlights have included the classic anti-bullying episode and the annual Halloween episode.

5) Survivor: Philippines

The previous season of Survivor was one of the best, featuring truly interesting competitors like Jonathan Penner, Lisa Whelchel, Abi-Marie, and Malcolm.  Perhaps best of all, the season ended with the most deserving survivor winning the million bucks.

6) Clint Eastwood’s Chair Speech

A lot of very snide comments have been made about Eastwood’s speech at the Republican National Convention but, personally, I think it was brilliant political theater.  Even better, his two main points — that the President is essentially an empty suit and the Vice President is a jackass — are looking more and more true with each passing day.

7) The Joe Biden/Paul Ryan Vice Presidential Debate

Speaking of great political theater…. The 2012 Presidential election was dominated by debates but there’s only one that was truly memorable and it was the Vice Presidential debate between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan.  While Paul Ryan talked about disaster in his overly serious grad student way, Joe Biden grinned like an aging serial killer deep in the throes of senility.  This was less a political debate and more a case of performance art.

8) The London Olympics

I loved watching the London Olympics this year and not just because of the Fab Five, either.  The Danny Boyle-directed opening ceremonies were amazing to watch and I had fun going on twitter to ridicule NBC’s hilariously bad coverage of the games.

9) Liz & Dick on Lifetime

Oh, c’mon — it was fun!

10) The Office Made A Comeback…Sorta

After one of the worst seasons in the history of primetime television, The Office has redeemed itself slightly with its current (and final) season.  Even Catherine Tate has become tolerable.

Tomorrow, I’ll continue my look back at the past year with a list of my 10 favorite novels of 2012.

What Lisa And Megan Watched Last Night #61: Saved By The Bell: The New Class S2E9 “Belding’s Prank” (dir by Don Barnhart)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, as Christmas came to a close, my sister Megan and I continued to celebrate the holiday week by bonding over yet another episode of a bad (yet oddly addictive) 90s sitcom.  Last night, we watched “Belding’s Prank,” an episode from the 2nd season of Saved By The Bell: The New Class.

Why Were We Watching It?

You can read the full details here but, long story short, I’m spending my holiday week in Ft. Worth with my sister Megan and Megan (because she’s the best) has every episode of Saved By The Bell: The New Class on DVD.  When I learned this, I naturally became super excited because, when I was too young to know any better, I used to watch SBTB: TNC every Saturday morning.  Anyway,  for the past few days, Megan and I have been bonding over bad sitcoms from the 90s.

(For the record, Megan claims that, if she ever saw a single first-run episode of SBTB, it was just because she was waiting for California Dreams to come on.)

Last night, we watched several episodes of SBTB: The New Class but the one that made the biggest impression on me was the 9th episode of the 2nd season, Belding’s Prank.

(Before anyone asks, yes — we both would have rather been watching Django Unchained or Les Miserables but yesterday, it snowed!  Needless to say, we were all excited to look out the window and see snow falling on Christmas.  We had fun playing in the snow but there was no way that any of us we were planning on trying to drive in it.  Seriously, we live in Texas, where 80 degrees is considered to be a cold front.  We don’t know the first thing about driving in the snow.)

What Was It About?

SBTB: TNC was infamous for changing its cast of characters almost every season.  When I first saw the show, the main character was Ryan (played by the adorable Richard Lee Jackson) but what I didn’t realize was that Ryan was actually the third main character.  He was preceded by a guy named Scott and another guy named Brian Keller.  Belding’s Prank is a Brian episode.  When we first started watching this episode, I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to follow the episode because I didn’t know much about Brian (played by Christian Oliver) as a character.  However, I quickly discovered that Brian had absolutely the exact same personality as Ryan (and, I assume, Scott) and therefore, it really didn’t matter.

Anyway, in Belding’s Plot, it’s prank week at Bayside!  Brian is encouraging everyone to engage in increasingly elaborate pranks.  Bayside’s principal, Mr. Belding (Dennis Haskins), thinks that it’s all a lot of fun.  However, Belding’s assistant, Screech (Dustin Diamond) is concerned because there’s a new district superintendent and he could drop by the school at any minute.  It appears that Mr. Belding has yet to meet (or even see) the new superintendent (which is kinda odd when you think about it) and when the superintendent does show up, Belding assumes that it’s a prank.  The superintendent, meanwhile, sees that Bayside is in chaos and he promptly fires Mr. Belding.

This is where things get weird.  The superintendent holds a school assembly to introduce the new principal.  Since this is Saved By The Bell, there’s only about 20 students at the assembly.  Anyway, before the superintendent can announce the new principal, Brian stands up and shouts, “We don’t want a new principal!  We want Mr. Belding back!”  Now, instead of suspending Brian for disrupting a school assembly, the superintendent replies that the students should have respected their principal if they liked him so much.

“Here’s your new principal,” the superintendent announces, “Mr. Richard Belding!”

Mr. Belding steps out on stage.  The 20 students at the assembly go wild.  So, was Mr. Belding really fired or was he just playing a prank on the students?  Or did Brian’s words sway the superintendent?

Seriously, what the Hell’s going on?

What Worked?

Say what you will about this episode overall, it’s here that Dennis Haskins gave perhaps his best performance in the role of Mr. Belding.  When Belding came out of his office and told the assembled student, “I’ve been fired,” you truly felt both the man’s pain and the disappointment he felt towards the entitled students who had just ruined his life.  I may be wrong but I’m pretty sure that Haskins even had tears in his eyes as he delivered the line.

What Did Not Work?

Okay, let’s ignore the obvious flaws.  I won’t go into the odd logic of the film’s plot.  I won’t mention the fact that the student body at Bayside High appears to be abnormally powerful and influential for a bunch of public school students.  I won’t even talk about the fact that Dustin Diamond is in this episode.

However, I am going to point out one of the most glaring continuity flaws in the history of this show.

As you may remember, in the original Saved By The Bell, Belding’s office was this tiny and depressing room with ugly wood paneling and a window that was never opened.  Starting with the second season of The New Class, Belding got a new cheerful office.  This office was much larger, much more colorful, and it had large windows that showed off the green campus of Bayside High.  A good deal of this episode took place in Belding’s “new” office and, watching it, I couldn’t help but think about how much more cheerful Belding seemed to be now that his office was less oppressive.

However, if you’ll remember, there was a flash forward episode of the original Saved By The Bell that took place in 2003.  This was the episode where a bunch of students gathered in the principal’s office so that they could watch a video time capsule left behind for them by Zach, Slater, and Screech.  In this episode, it’s established that Mr. Belding is still principal of Bayside in 2003…

AND HE’S BACK IN HIS OLD OFFICE!

But that’s not all!  When SBTB: TNC ended in 2000 (3 years before the time capsule episode), it was established that Belding was leaving Bayside so that he could take a job as dean of a college in Tennessee.  It was also suggested that Screech (despite never having graduated from college) would be his replacement as principal…

So, what happened during those 3 years that led to Belding returning to Bayside and moving back into his old office?  And why did Belding pretend like he barely remembered Screech while watching that time capsule video?

Seriously, this was really bugging me last night.  Fortunately, it turned out that it was really bugging Megan as well.  We spent about half an hour trying to figure out what had happened and we came up several possible scenarios, all of which concluded with Belding returning to California and murdering Screech in one grisly way or another.

Seriously, we had a lot of fun with it.

“OH MY GOD!  Just like me!” Moments

None.  Everyone in this episode was just too stupid.

Lessons Learned

It’s fun to come up with grisly ways to kill off an annoying character.

12 Random Things That I Am Thankful For In 2012

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

So many things to be thankful for!

Today is the day that I (and perhaps a few others) look over the past year and ask myself, “What am I thankful for?”  I am happy to say that I have a lot to be thankful for right now.  I’m thankful for my family, for my friends, for my readers, and for my love.

Believe it or not, I’m even thankful that I’m now 27 years old!  When my family gathered together earlier today, I actually got to hang out with the grown ups!  Seriously, being an adult was a lot more fun than I was expecting.

Traditionally, Thanksgiving is also the day when I do a post entitled “10 Things That I Am Thankful For.”  So, here we go.  As I stated previously, I’m thankful for a lot of things in 2012.  Here, in no specific order, is twelve of them:

1) I’m thankful that The Cabin In The Woods and Sinister reminded me of why I love horror films in the first place.

2) I’m thankful for the Snarkalecs on twitter, the best group of people that a girl could hope to watch a SyFy movie with.

3) I’m thankful that this current season of Survivor is one of the best yet.

4) I’m thankful that someday, when I do have a daughter, I’ll be able to watch films like Brave and The Hunger Games with her.

5) I’m thankful that Richard Linklater directed Bernie and let the true citizens of Texas speak for themselves.

6) I’m thankful that Sarah Polley wrote and directed Take This Waltz.

7) I’m thankful for the TCMParty on twitter, the best group of people that a girl could hope to watch a classic film on TCM with.

8) I’m thankful that the final season of The Office is turning out to be a good one.

9) I’m thankful that Skyfall reminded us of why we all love James Bond in the first place.

10) I’m thankful that Branded eventually ended.  Seriously, I was worried that film was never going to come to a close.

11) I’m thankful that The Avengers turned out to be a lot more fun than even I was expecting.

12) I’m thankful that even a generally disappointing film year can still see the release of films like Life of Pi and The Master.

What do you think, Trailer Kitties?

Don’t worry, kitties!  Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Film Trailers will return next week!

Happy Thanksgiving!