All about porn. Disaster porn!


Yeah, even I’m not gonna drag this blog down to the furthest depths. I’ll leave that up to Lisa Marie, with her most recent review of Showgirls! I really should link that, but been drinking, so that’s way too much work. But yeah, she watched it, reviewed it, seriously, go read it. Terrible movie, but I’ll bet she made it sound better than it was. She’s awesome like that.

No, what I’m trying to write about is the genre of movie known as disaster porn. The first example that most people have been aware of is most likely the movie The Day After Tomorrow.  While a fun disaster porn flick, it was incredibly heavy handed with its environmental bullcrap message. But all disaster porn movies have that.

Why am I talking about this at all? Well, tomorrow (or really tonight if you’re one of thems that watches movies on their early night showings) is the premier of San Andreas, starring The Rock. If he doesn’t wind up punching the earthquake and saving California by flexing a lot, then I’ll be sorely disappointed.

Anyways, I’m gonna go see that tomorrow, and I know that my usual movie guy, site founder Arleigh, isn’t going to have seen it by then. Since it’s unlikely to have been reviewed, I feel that it’s really required to share a spoof of the disaster porn movies with everyone. I know for sure that Arleigh has posted this parody trailer, but with his urging, I am going to repost it.

This trailer is done to spoof the disaster porn of all disaster porn movies, 2012.  In fact, it’s called 2012: It’s a Disaster!!! I’d honestly say that this trailer is better than the actual movie, and I think many people would agree with me.  At any rate, Arleigh posted this very same trailer several years ago, but we both agreed that it’s worth reposting in anticipation of the Rock’s very own disaster porn movie. So, please enjoy this video, with it’s plane disaster, train disaster, whole city disaster, landmark disaster, rolling buildings, yay spaceships?  YAY SPACESHIPS! Flying Bentleys, jumbo jet surfing, hell we’ll even forgive the ridiculousness of seeing a black president.  Because that’s just plain lunacy!  For sure, let’s celebrate awesome disaster porn with this trailer, and look forward to seeing the Rock grab an earthquake by the neck and plant it into the turf.  ROCK BOTTOM! ROCK BOTTOM!!!

Lisa Marie’s Ten Favorite Novels of 2012


Continuing my series on the best of 2012, I now present my 10 favorite novels of the previous year.  For a lot of reasons, I didn’t get to read quite as much as I wanted to over the past year.  My New Year’s resolution — well, one of them — is to do better in 2013.

Without further ado, here’s my list.  All 10 of the novels provided an entertaining, thought-provoking read over the past year and you should read them all.

1) The Great Escape by Susan Elizabeth Phillips

2) Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

3) Bring Up The Bodies by Hilary Mantel

4) Into the Darkest Corner by Elizabeth Haynes

5) This Is How You Lose Her by Junot Diaz

6) The Book of Summers by Emylia Hall

7) The Fault In Our Stars by John Green

8) Odd Apocalypse by Dean Koontz

9) Blue Moon Bay by Lisa Wingate

10) On Demon Wings by Karina Halle

Coming up tomorrow, it’s the list that we’ve all been waiting for — my favorite 26 films of 2012!

10 Good Things That Lisa Marie Saw On TV In 2012


Someday, I want to have my own tv network.  I’ll call it Lisa Marie Television (or LMTV for short) and it’ll be like Lifetime but with the Lisa Marie difference.  What’s the Lisa Marie difference?  Sweetheart, if you have to ask, you’ll never know.  El. Oh. El.

Anyway, as I wait for that day to come, I’m going to continue my series of posts on my favorites of 2012 by telling you about some of the best things that I saw on television over the course of the previous year:

1) SyFy Movies On Saturday

For me, one of the highlights of 2012 has been meeting and getting to know the Snarkalecs on twitter.  Who are the Snarkalecs?  We’re just a group of very witty people who are capable of appreciating films like Two-Headed Shark Attack and Arachnoquake.  Every Saturday night, we watch and live tweet whatever’s playing on the SyFy network.  It’s the perfect way to end the week.  My favorite SyFy film of 2012?  Jersey Shore Shark Attack.

2) The Basic Lupine Urology episode of Community

A great crime has occurred at Greendale Community College.  A yam has been callously destroyed and the study group is going to find out who was responsible and make sure the perpetrator is punished to the full extent of the law.  This spot-on perfect parody of Law and Order was one of the highlights of Community’s third season.  Donald Glover and Danny Pudi were simply adorable playing good cop/bad cop.

3) Joe Manganiello and Alexander Skarsgard on True Blood

The latest season of True Blood may have been uneven but whenever Alexander Skarsgard or Joe Manganiello showed up on-screen, the show was perfect (especially if they happened to be naked at the time).

4) South Park

As always.  This year highlights have included the classic anti-bullying episode and the annual Halloween episode.

5) Survivor: Philippines

The previous season of Survivor was one of the best, featuring truly interesting competitors like Jonathan Penner, Lisa Whelchel, Abi-Marie, and Malcolm.  Perhaps best of all, the season ended with the most deserving survivor winning the million bucks.

6) Clint Eastwood’s Chair Speech

A lot of very snide comments have been made about Eastwood’s speech at the Republican National Convention but, personally, I think it was brilliant political theater.  Even better, his two main points — that the President is essentially an empty suit and the Vice President is a jackass — are looking more and more true with each passing day.

7) The Joe Biden/Paul Ryan Vice Presidential Debate

Speaking of great political theater…. The 2012 Presidential election was dominated by debates but there’s only one that was truly memorable and it was the Vice Presidential debate between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan.  While Paul Ryan talked about disaster in his overly serious grad student way, Joe Biden grinned like an aging serial killer deep in the throes of senility.  This was less a political debate and more a case of performance art.

8) The London Olympics

I loved watching the London Olympics this year and not just because of the Fab Five, either.  The Danny Boyle-directed opening ceremonies were amazing to watch and I had fun going on twitter to ridicule NBC’s hilariously bad coverage of the games.

9) Liz & Dick on Lifetime

Oh, c’mon — it was fun!

10) The Office Made A Comeback…Sorta

After one of the worst seasons in the history of primetime television, The Office has redeemed itself slightly with its current (and final) season.  Even Catherine Tate has become tolerable.

Tomorrow, I’ll continue my look back at the past year with a list of my 10 favorite novels of 2012.

Lisa Marie’s 10 Favorite Songs of 2012


Continuing my series on the best of 2012, here are ten of my favorite songs from 2012.  Now, I’m not necessarily saying that these were the best songs of 2012.  Some of them aren’t.  But these are ten songs that, in the future, will define 2012 for me personally.  Again, these are my picks and my picks only.  So, if you think my taste in music sucks (and, admittedly, quite a few people do), direct your scorn at me and not at anyone else who writes for the Shattered Lens.

By the way, I was recently asked what my criteria for a good song was.  Honestly, the main thing I look for in a song is 1) can I dance to it and 2) can I get all into singing it while I’m stuck in traffic or in the shower?

Anyway, at the risk of revealing just how much of a dork I truly am, here are ten of my favorite songs of 2012.

10 and 9) Make Bullying Kill Itself and Jacking It In San Diego (Trey Parker and Matt Stone)

These two songs were featured in the classic bullying episode of South Park.  They should be required listening for anyone who thinks that a YouTube video can change human nature.

8) Big Machine (Ryan Miller)

Perhaps not surprisingly, I discovered a lot of my favorite music of 2012 in the films of 2012.  This song was written for the Safety Not Guaranteed soundtrack.

7) Abraham’s Daughter (Arcade Fire)

This is from The Hunger Games soundtrack.

6) The Poison Tree (Moby, feat. Inyang Bassey)

Technically, this song — which is featured on Destroyed —  is from 2011 but it was released, as a single, in 2012.

5) Call Me Maybe (Carly Rae Jepsen)

This is just a fun song.

4) Stronger (Kelly Clarkson)

Kelly Clarkson is always going to have to deal with haters, because she won American Idol and voted for Ron Paul.  She’s one of my favorites, however.

3) Skyfall (Adele)

The minute I heard this song, I knew Skyfall was going to be great.

2) Blow Me (One Last Kiss) (P!nk)

It’s not really a year in music unless I have P!nk somewhere on the list.

1)Razor’s Out (Mike Shinoda featuring Chino Moreno)

This is from the soundtrack of The Raid: Redemption.  Quite simply put, this is a great soundtrack for writing.

Tomorrow, I’ll continue my look at 2012 with my list of 10 good things that I saw on television last year.

Poll: What Movies Are You Looking Forward To Seeing In March?


So, here we are.  It’s the last day of the month and that means that it’s time for another poll!  Yay!  Last month, we asked you which films you were most looking forward to seeing in February and you can find the results here.  According to the poll, February is going to be all about people rushing to the theaters so that they can see Ghost Rider.

(Personally, February will be about Chronicle for me.)

What movies are you most looking forward to seeing in March?  As always, you can vote for up to four films and the poll will remain open until the final day of February.

Vote once and vote often.

Quickie Review: 2012 (dir. by Roland Emmerich)


[guilty pleasure]

When one sees the name Roland Emmerich attached as the director to a film on any given year one almost has to audibly groan. He’s not on the level of Uwe Boll in terms of awful films, but he does give Michael Bay a run for the title of worst blockbuster filmmaker. It’s quite a shame to see Emmerich’s films one after the other get worse and worse. This was a filmmaker who showed some talent in the scifi-action genre with such cult classics as Universal Soldier and Stargate. He would reach his apex with the popcorn-friendly and thoroughly enjoyable Will Smith alien-invasion flick, Independence Day. Since reaching those lofty heights each successive film has been more groan-inducing and worse than the previous one. For a brief moment in 2009 this would change as he finally succeeded in destroying the world that he had only hinted at with previous films such as ID4, Godzilla and The Day After Tomorrow. The film 2012 was released in late-2009 and, while it was universally lambasted by critics and a large portion of the public, I thought it was his most fun film since ID4.

2012 literally has the world greet it’s apocalypse according to the Mayan Calendar in the year 2012. The first forty or so minutes has Emmerich explaining the details of how the world will end in 2012 either through the film’s lead scientist (played by Chiwetel Ejiofor) or through a conspiracy-theorist played with manic glee by Woody Harrelson. The bulk of this film is almost like disaster porn for film lovers who are into disaster flicks. We have earthquakes which sends the whole California coast sliding into the Pacific. Supervolcanoes erupting in what is the Yellowstone National Forest right up to mega-tsunamis that dwarf the highest mountain ranges.

The cast might be called an all-star one, but I rather think it’s more a B-list with such names as John Cusack playing a goofy everyman who must save his ex-wife and two young children right up to Danny Glover playing the lame duck of lame duck presidents (I guess Morgan Freeman was unavailable or already done with disaster films after doing Deep Impact). The performance by this cast ranged from alright to laughable, but even with the latter the sense of fun never wavered. This was a flick about the world ending and Emmerich delivered everything promised.

It’s the scenes of world devastation which made this film so enjoyable for me and has become one of my latest guilty pleasures. No matter how bad the dialogue got or how wooden some of the acting came off the sense of wonder from Emmerich destroying the world on the big-screen and on my TV made this film fun to watch. Maybe those who hated it or thought it was trash were aiming to high. I will admit that the film is trash, but in a good way that past enjoyable disaster flicks of the 70’s were fun. It took the premise serious enough, but the filmmakers involved didn’t skimp on over-the-top destruction. I mean this film’s premise means we get to see in high-definition billions of people die as the planet decides to suddenly switch things around to get a better feng shui vibe to the planet.

Scenes such as the mega-tsunamis topping over the Himalayan mountain range was awesome. But even that scene couldn’t top the super-quake which destroys Los Angeles around Cusack’s character who tries to outdrive the quake and the resulting chasms which appear to chase his limo with is family inside. Seeing Los Angeles and the bedrock it’s on upheave and slide into the Pacific was one of the best disaster porn sequences I’ve ever seen and I don’t see anything topping it in the near future.

2012 as a Roland Emmerich production already has a black mark on it because of his reputation as a filmmaker, but for once he actually made a film that was able to surpass all the glaring flaws from it’s one-note, stereotypical characters to it’s wooden dialogue. He did this by making a film with disaster scenes of such epic spectacle that one had no choice but to just sit back and enjoy the ride. It’s a bad film, but it sure was a fun ride. This is why I decided on a fan-made trailer which best exemplifies this film and not the one made by the studio.

I eagerly await the sequel I fully expect from Hollywood: 2013: Disaster Strikes Back.

Poll: Which Films ARE You Most Looking Forward To Seeing in January?


Last month, at this time, we asked you which four films you were most looking forward to seeing in the month of December.  The results are in and it appears that December is going to be all about The Adventures of TinTin, Shame, Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, and David Fincher’s remake of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.  Thank you to everyone who voted.

Here’s January’s poll.  As always, you can vote for up to four films and write-ins are accepted.  So, let us know — which films are you looking forward to seeing in January?