Oldies But Goodies”

Posted on August 23, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

For this week’s cruise, Julie learns that she’s not the only person who can do her job!

Episode 3.3 “The Grass is Greener/Three Stages of Love/Oldies But Goodies”

(Dir by Alan Rafkin, originally aired on September 22nd, 1979)

This week, Julie is super excited when her friend, Tina Philips (Joan Hackett), boards the cruise with her young son, Brian (Adam Rich). Tina and Julie went to cruise director school together, where they were both taught by none other than Captain Stubing.

(As I’ve mentioned before, there have been a lot of weird continuity issues with establishing just how long anyone had actually known Captain Stubing. During the first season, everyone was unsure of what to make of Captain Stubing and none of them had any experience sailing with him. But, in the second season, Stubing was suddenly celebrating his five year anniversary as the ship’s captain. And, in this episode, Stubing is established as being Julie’s mentor.)

Tina had a crush on Stubing while she was a student and Stubing had a bit of a crush on her as well. Though Tina could have had a great career as a cruise director, she decided to get married and settle down instead. Now, with her marriage falling apart, Tina boards the boat and immediately starts giving Stubing and Julie advice. Julie, meanwhile, takes care of Brian while Tina dances with the captain. Tina lives Julie’s life and Julie lives the life she could have had if she had stayed in Alaska and gotten married. It turns out that Julie’s a great substitute mom but Tina is a terrible substitute cruise director. Her idea of throwing a sock hop is a huge bust and, to be honest, it does seem a bit childish for a luxury cruise. In the end, Tina returns to being a single mom and Julie returns to being childless and career-driven. Yay, I guess.

Meanwhile, Nora (Amanda Blake) boards the ship with her daughter, Daphne (Karen Morrow). Daphne is determined to marry a millionaire but Nora is the one who finds love when she meets the wheelchair-bound Phillip (Barry Sullivan). Unfortunately, Phillip’s stuffy valet, Perkins (Werner Klemperer), insists that Philip needs to stay in his cabin and watch his blood pressure. Fear not, though. Daphne finds a millionaire and the millionaire hires away Perkins so now Phillip and Nora are free to have fun. Yay!

(Though, really, Phillip should keep an eye on his blood pressure….)

Finally, Mike (Eddie Mekka) and Robin (Lani O’Grady) seems like a perfect couple, except for the fact that Mike is convinced that all relationships go through three stages before ending and he has an annoying habit of saying stuff like, “We’ve just entered stage two!” Robin gets tired of Mike and his cynicism and eventually, Mike decides to give love a try because …. well, I’m not sure why. I think it was because the episode was nearly over.

This episode was pleasant but, ultimately, rather forgettable. Nora and Phillip were a nice couple but Perkins was portrayed in an over-the=top villainous light, especially when one considers that he was just doing the job he was hired to do. Mike and Robin seemed like they were still destined to break up, even as they left the ship in love. I did enjoy the scenes in which Tina’s sock hop party turned out to be a bust, just because it seemed like a dumb idea from the minute she mentioned it. That said, the main message of this episode seemed to be that having a family and career were two mutually exclusive things, which I certainly did not agree with.

Again, this was not necessarily a bad episode. It was just kind of a bland one.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 8/13/23 — 8/19/23

Posted on August 19, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Big Brother 25 (24/7, CBS and Paramount Plus)

I wrote about Big Brother here!

The Challenge: USA (Sunday and Thursday Night, CBS)

I did have this show on in the background on Thurdsay night but, if you want to know how little I paid attention to this episode, just consider that I somehow missed Paulie coming out until I read about it on twitter afterwards.

City Guys (YouTube)

I wrote about City Guys here! I’m nearly done with this show!

Claim to Fame (Monday Night, ABC)

J.R. was eliminated this week. It’s still a cute show but I don’t really care that much about any of the relatives left.

Dr. Phil (YouTube)

Sunday morning, as I waited for the Big Brother live feeds to come back, I watched an old episode of Dr. Phil on YouTube. A mother was upset that her teenage daughter was dating a registered sex offender. Her daughter insisted that it was no big deal and that her boyfriend had changed. It turned out the daughter was naïve but the mother was overbearing and a bit hypocritical herself.

On Thursday and on Saturday, I watched a few episodes about trashy in-laws because I needed some background noise. They all kind of blended together, to the extent that I’m not even sure how many episodes I ended up watching.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

Night Flight (Night Flight Plus)

On Friday night, I joined Jeff and our friend Pat in watching an episode about British pop stars. It was a fun episode!

The PGA Tour on CBS (Sunday, CBS)

I refuse to apologize for liking golf. I didn’t even care that the tour totally preempted Big Brother on Sunday. I enjoy looking at the courses.

Radio 1990 (Night Flight Plus)

On Saturday morning, Jeff and I joined our friend Pat in watching an episode of this old music program. The episode featured a profile of Van Halen.

60 Minutes (Sunday Night, CBS)

Because golf ran late on Sunday, I sat through an episode of 60 Minutes as I waited for Big Brother to start. I can’t remember anything about any of the stories that they showed. 60 Minutes has always seemed like such a strange show to me. It feels like a show that’s permanently frozen in the past century. That said, I appreciate the way the stopwatch always tells me how many more minutes are left in each episode.

Stars on Mars (Monday Night, Fox)

Ariel, who was the person on Mars to whom I related to, volunteered to be sent back to Earth. If I was a producer of this reality show, I would be concerned by the fact that all of the participants keep volunteering to be kicked off the show.

Superfan (Wednesday Night, CBS)

People competed for the title of being Shania Twain’s biggest fan. It was dumb and it’s tempting to blame the show on the dearth of new scripted content during the writer’s strike but, to be honest, the networks were airing game shows just this stupid on television before everyone went on strike.

T. and T. (Tubi)

I wrote about T. and T. here!

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back, Kotter here!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.1 and 3.2 “The Alaskan Wedding Cruise: Carol and Doug’s Story/Peter and Alicia’s Story/Julie’s Story/Buddy and Portia’s Story”

Posted on August 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Love Boat sets sail for season 3!

Episode 3.1 and 3.2 “The Alaskan Wedding Cruise: Carol and Doug’s Story/Peter and Alicia’s Story/Julie’s Story/Buddy and Portia’s Story”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on September 15th, 1979)

The third season of The Love Boat starts with a special voyage to Alaska and a two-hour running time. It’s double the guest stars, double the melodrama, double the goofiness, and double the romance! The opening also features new clips for Doc, Gopher, and Julie. Whereas the first two seasons introduced Doc listening to his own heartbeat, the third season opening features him laughing while leaning against a railing. Gopher’s new opening credit features him looking wistfully out at the ocean and it’s a much more mature look for him. As for Julie, she’s still smiling and perky but she’s let her hair grow out. If the first two seasons of The Love Boat featured Julie looking like the star of the high school drama department, she looks more like the most popular cheerleader now. As for the Captain, he continues to salute the camera and Isaac continues to do his signature pointing.

The episode opens in Canada. The boat is docked in Vancouver, where it has been rented out by a huge and wealthy wedding party. The boat will be sailing to Alaska. Isaac has been reading everything that he can find about Alaska and he spends most of the episode sharing trivia about the state’s history. Gopher, preparing for Alaska’s cold weather, buys a gigantic coat. Meanwhile, Doc Bricker makes jokes about his ex-wives and Capt. Stubing tries to keep everything professional. (“You’re not going to the North Pole!” he snaps at Gopher when he sees the size of his new fur coat.)

As for Julie, her mind is elsewhere. Alaska is where Jack (Tony Roberts) lives. Who is Jack? During the second season, he was a passenger who fell in love with Julie and who asked Julie to marry him. She knows that she’s going to see Jack in Alaska and she’s going to give him an answer as far as his proposal is concerned. (If you don’t remember Jack asking Julie to marry him, don’t feel bad. I had forgotten about it, too. Fortunately, the first hour of this episode is full of flashbacks to Jack’s previous episode.) Is Julie ready to settle down? While Julie tries to make up her mind, she also has to deal with the romantic intentions of the wedding party’s dorky best man (Donny Most).

As for the wedding party, Carol (Lisa Hartman) and Doug (Mark Harmon, sporting a truly unfortunate haircut) are looking forward to getting married, even though Doug’s ex-girlfriend (Caren Kaye) is also on the boat and determined to win Doug back. If that means jumping out a cake while wearing a bikini, she’ll do it. Doug is more concerned about the fact that his estranged, alcoholic father, Peter (Ray Milland) had turned up on the cruise despite having not been invited to or even informed about the wedding. Peter has stopped drinking and is trying to make peace with his son and his ex-wife, Alicia (Eleanor Parker). What Doug and Alicia do not know is that Peter is terminally ill. And what neither Doug nor Peter knows is that Alicia is on the verge of filing for bankruptcy.

Meanwhile, Carol’s plain-spoken grandfather (Lorne Greene) feels uncomfortable with all of the rich folks but then he meets Doug’s equally plain-spoken aunt (Audra Lindley). Could we be heading for a double wedding? It is The Love Boat, after all!

There aren’t really any big surprises on this episode but it’s likable nonetheless. For this episode, the crew and the cast actually sailed to Alaska and all the action was filmed during an actual cruise. The scenery is gorgeous, even if it’s obvious that the cast was frequently freezing while filming their scenes. By this point, the show’s regulars had their chemistry down perfectly and all of the 3rd season premiere’s guest stars are well-selected. I especially liked the performances of Lorne Greene, Audra Lindley, the great Ray Milland, and Tony Roberts. Julie and Jack’s reunion was far more touching that I think anyone would expect from a show like The Love Boat, with Tony Roberts playing the role of Jack so well that the viewer really did believe that, under different circumstances, he and Julie truly would have had a wonderful life together. This was a great way to start the third season.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 8/6/23 — 8/12/23

Posted on August 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Big Brother (24/7, CBS and Paramount Plus)

I wrote about Big Brother here!

The Challenge USA (Thursday Night, CBS)

The latest season of this reality show premiered this week. I kind of watched it but, to be honest, I got bored and tuned out after 20 minutes or so. As far as I can tell, The Challenge mostly seems to exist to give work to former reality show contestants who don’t want to return to their former lives.

City Guys (YouTube)

I wrote about City Guys here!

Claim to Fame (Monday Night, ABC)

The remaining contestants finally figured out that Hugo was Jimmy Carter’s grandson and they sent him packing. I’m enjoying this show, though I’m still annoyed all of my favorites have been eliminated. That said, Hugo wasn’t one of my favorites so this week was a good one.

Dr. Phil (YouTube)

Despite being opposed to Dr. Phil on general principle, I did have the show on for background noise while I was getting some work done on Tuesday. The first episode featured an out-of-control teen who got sent to rehab. Phil said that the parents were ultimately to blame and, for once, I agreed because her parents really were the worst! The 2nd episode featured a man who somehow thought it would be okay to live with both his wife and his mistress in the same house. Dr. Phil explained why this arrangement probably would not work. The 3rd episode featured a woman who hired a nanny off of Craig’s List and who was shocked when the Nanny turned out to be a bit shady. The fourth episode featured a former beauty pageant contestant who was now an out-of-control teen. Dr. Phil sent her to a mental health facility, which led to a lot of tears. It was awkward. I’m not sure I agree with Dr. Phil’s solution. I think it was more about making the audience happy than helping the child. Finally, for the fifth episode, I watched an episode about two sisters who claimed they would never accept their new stepmother. The family was a complete mess. I felt bad for the stepmother.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here.

Saved By The Bell (MeTV)

On Sunday morning, I watched three full hours of Saved By The Bell. Zack started dating Kristy, the new wrestler. But then, in the next episode, he was suddenly trying to date Slater’s ex-girlfriend from Germany, showing that Zack definitely had commitment issues. Zack then had an operation on his knee and returned to school in time to convince everyone to not allow oil drilling on Bayside’s property. (Poor Becky!) Then, it was time to rig a chess tournament and head to the mall so that he and his friends could buy tickets to (snicker) the U2 concert. The common factor in all of these episodes was everyone putting way too much faith in Screech.

Solid Gold (YouTube)

I watched an episode of this old 80s music show on Sunday night. The episode I watched was from 1982 and it featured some good music and a lot of dancing so I enjoyed it.

Stars on Mars (Monday Night, Fox)

The Lance Armstrong redemption has come to an end as Armstrong left “Mars” this week.

T. and T. (Tubi)

I wrote about T. and T. here!

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back Kotter here!

Yes, Minister (Monday Morning, PBS)

In the special one-hour Christmas special, Jim Hacker became Prime Minister! While it’s true that he became PM because everyone was impressed by the fact that he had no strongly held beliefs, it was still hard not to be happy for him. I love this show.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.27 “Third Wheel/Grandmother’s Day/Second String Mom”

Posted on August 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the second season of The Love Boat comes to a close.

Episode 2.27 “Third Wheel/Grandmother’s Day/Second String Mom”

(Dir by Gordon Farr, originally aired on May 12th, 1979)

It’s time for a special Mother’s Day cruise!

Gopher is excited because his mother, Roz (Ethel Merman), and his father, Eliot (an unwell-looking Robert Cummings), will be on the ship. As quickly becomes clear, Gopher takes after his mother. Like her son, Roz is impulsive, loves show business, and has issues with recognizing boundaries. As soon as she boards the boat, she and Gopher are singing songs and imitating the Marx brothers. Eliot, on the other hand, is quiet and reserved. Interesting enough, Eliot has quite a bit in common with Captain Stubing. Seeing Eliot and Stubing interact, the viewer suddenly understands why Gopher is always looking for the Captain’s approval. Gopher and Eliot have a distant relationship and Gopher now sees Stubing as being more of a father figure to him than his own father. Awwwww, how sad!

What’s even more sad is that it is easy to see that Eliot would like to be closer to his son. He just doesn’t know how to go about it and he knows that he can’t compete with Roz’s carefree personality. When Gopher and Roz agree to perform a number at a special Mother’s Day variety show, Eliot becomes jealous. He claims that he’s worried that Roz is somehow going to embarrass Gopher in front of his co-workers but it’s obvious that Eliot is the one who is embarrassed by his lack of a relationship with his son. It all works out in the end, of course and Gopher becomes closer to both of his parents.

Meanwhile, Mac O’Brian (Barry Nelson, best-known for being the first actor to play James Bond and for playing Mr. Ullman in Kubrick’s The Shining) is looking forward to a life of retirement. Except, his wife, Maggie (Nanette Fabray), keeps having dizzy spells. Doc examines her and announces that, despite the fact that she’s nearly 60, Maggie’s pregnant! Maggie worries about how tell her husband, who has made it clear that he feels that he’s earned a rest from worrying about children. At first, Mac doesn’t take the news well but never fear. Things work out in the end because it’s The Love Boat!

Finally, Mary Noble (Michele Tobin) and her sister, Judy Noble (Shelly Juttner), are on their cruise with their father (Ken Berry) and his new wife (Beth Howland). At first, they go out of their way to be rude to their new stepmother but eventually, they realize how happy she makes their father and they come to accept her. Once again, everyone gets a happy ending on The Love Boat.

Despite the fact that it featured Gopher’s parents and offered up some insight into what made one of the show’s main characters tick, this episode of The Love Boat was pretty forgettable. The success or failure of a show like this all comes down to chemistry and none of the guest stars on this particular episode seemed to have any. Robert Cummings, in particular, looked absolutely miserable throughout the entire cruise while Barry Nelson and Nanette Fabray seemed more like strangers having a random hook-up than a longtime married couple. I did like the storyline about the stepparent but that’s just because I could relate to the two sisters because I know me and my sisters had a tendency to get a bit bratty whenever we felt anyone was trying to take our mom away from us. But, in the end, even this storyline felt like something The Love Boat had done better in the past.

Sadly, the second season of The Love Boat came to end with not a bang but a whimper. Next week, we start season 3!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.26 “April’s Return/Super Mom/I’ll See You Again”

Posted on August 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s cruise features Cyd Charisse!

Episode 2.26 “April’s Return/Super Mom/I’ll See You Again”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on May 5th, 1979)

This episode’s writers would want us to believe that the most important thing that happens during this cruise is that April Lopez (played by Charo) returns to the ship. During the first season, April was introduced as a stowaway who managed to charm the entire crew despite traveling illegally. With the help of Captain Stubing, April has gone on to become the cruise line’s most popular entertainer and this week, she’s returns to the Love Boat!

The crew is super-excited because April is such a vivacious force of energy. Or, at least, she was. When she shows up on the boat, she seems to be feeling a bit down. As she explains it to Julie, April has discovered that show business is not all that it’s cracked up to be and that it’s full of lecherous men. (Shocker!) April has decided that she would rather be a cruise director. Julie agrees to show April what the job entails and …. well, it turns out that Julie actually has a pretty easy job. She just goes to Acapulco Lounge at night, spots people who are alone or shy, and offers to dance with them. I do that on a regular basis. I should be a cruise director.

Anyway, April eventually realizes that she makes people happy by performing. Charo was a popular guest star on The Love Boat and, unlike a lot of other actors who appeared in multiple episodes, she always played April. (In this episode, she sings the show’s theme song.) In many ways, Charo was the epitome of The Love Boat, in that her act was meant to be both sexy and old-fashioned at the same time. The Love Boat was a show where everyone on the boat was constantly looking to get laid but the camera still cut away as soon as the cabin door closed and it was understood that sex on the boat would always lead to marriage on dry land. It was a show with the customs of the 70s and the morals of the 50s.

The episode spends a lot of time on April’s search for happiness. Personally, I was more excited by the fact that Cyd Charisse was on the boat. Cyd Charisse is one of my favorite dancers of all time and was one of my personal role models when I was younger. From the minute that Charisse boards the boat, the cameras are focused on her legs, which were just as spectacular as they were 20 years earlier in Singin’ In The Rain and Silk Stockings. Charisse plays Eve Mills, a former USO entertainer who, by an amazing coincidence, happens to be on the same cruise as the man that she fell in love with during World War II, Frank Pearse (Craig Stevens). By another amazing coincidence, Frank just happens to be an old friend of Captain Stubing’s!

Anyway, Frank and Eve recognize each other and they eventually work up the courage to approach each other. Eve thought Frank was killed in the war. Frank thought that Eve ignored all the letters that he sent her while he was recovering from being wounded in action. (It turns out the letters were never mailed because Frank’s nurse was in love with him.) Frank is still in love with Eve but he sees that she’s accompanied by a handsome young Frenchman named Francois (Stephen Schnetzer). Eve reveals to Frank that Francois is not her boyfriend. Instead, Francois is her son! And guess who Francois’s father is? (Really, the fact that he was named Francois should have given it away.)

Finally, Bud (Jerry Stiller) and Margaret (Anne Meara) are on their second honeymoon but, unfortunately, they’ve had to bring along their four bratty kids (one whom is played by a very young Corey Feldman). Bud wants to have a good time. Margaret keeps worrying about the kids. Bud gets a dance lesson from April, which leads to Margaret getting jealous. Don’t worry, they work it out. Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara were adorable together but this story was stressful for me to watch, just because the kids were so hyperactive and never stopped running around. Still, the image of Charo teaching Jerry Stiller how to dance feels like it should be enshrined in a museum devoted to the 1970s.

This episode seemed to exist because the show’s producers really liked Charo and it’s hard not to feel that the rest of episode’s storylines were just treated as being afterthoughts. That said, I enjoyed the Cyd Charisse/Craig Stevens story. Stevens was stiff and dull but Cyd Charisse was Cyd Charisse and that’s all that really matters!

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 7/23/23 — 7/29/23

Posted on July 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Big Brother starts next week and I’m going to have a lot less free time. (I probably should have made better use of my free time this week!) That said, I skipped the Big Brother special that CBS aired this week because I knew there wouldn’t be anything interesting revealed. Big Brother is a show that I both love and hate in equal measures. I never find myself looking forward to it but I always watch once it starts.

Anyways, here some thoughts on what I did watch this week!

City Guys (YouTube)

I wrote about City Guys here!

Claim To Fame (Monday Night, ABC)

I have to admit that Cole was one of the players who I thought had a really good chance of winning the game so I was a little surprised to see him leave the show this week. For the record, he was Alicia Keys’s brother. At this point, I’m just rooting for Olivia.

Degrassi High (YouTube)

I watched an episode on Sunday. Everyone was smoking weed.

Degrassi: The Next Generation (Tubi)

I watched a few random episodes on Sunday. Most of them were from the superlong tenth season, which isn’t really Degrassi’s best season but it is one that I occasionally like to revisit just because it’s not one of those seasons that really demands that you put a lot of effort into concentrating on what was happening on-screen. The tenth season of Degrassi is perfect for background noise.

Fantasy Island (YouTube)

I wrote about Fantasy Island here!

Jenny Jones (YouTube)

The episode that I watched on Thursday was entitled “I Want My Child To Stop Listening To Marilyn Manson.” The kids loved Marilyn and the parents were panicking. Jenny Jones told her audience, “Now, you know, Marilyn Manson is a guy, right? He’s a male.” One of Jenny’s guests was a cutter. The audience booed her, which I doubt helped. “He is far from being one of the beautiful people!” one parent said, “He is a sadistic pig!” I think this episode was from 1996.

On Friday, I watched an episode in which Jenny revealed the results of DNA tests. As a host, Jenny Jones was so flustered and spent so much time stumbling over her words that I actually got a headache while watching her.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

The Master (Tubi)

I wrote about The Master here!

Sally Jessy Raphael (YouTube)

On Thursday, I watched an episode about young people with lovers who were old enough to be their grandparents. Many of them had angry family members who wanted to yell at them on national television. The audience did a lot of booing.

I followed this up with an episode in which women were encouraged to dump their “cheating boyfriends.” One of the boyfriends had cheated on his girlfriend with a 13 year-old! Hopefully, they broke up after the show.

I then watched a third episode, in which bratty teenagers talk about how much they disliked the men that their mother dated. I cringed as I was flooded by memories of my own bratty behavior whenever my mom started to date someone new.

On Friday, for reasons that even I can’t quite fathom, I watched another episode in which Sally gave updates on out-of-control teens, the majority of whom were still out-of-control. The boot camps did not work.

Stars on Mars (Monday Night, Fox)

The silliest reality show on television right now continued this week, with Rhonda Rousey asking to be sent back to Earth. Fortunately, since no one on the show had actually left Earth to begin with, it was a quick journey home. As for who I hope wins Stars on Mars …. eh, whatever the prize is, give it to William Shatner. I know he’s the host and he probably only had to spend a day or two pre-taping all of his scenes but he’s still the most entertaining part of the show.

The Steve Wilkos Show (YouTube)

I watched an episode on Thursday. Two brothers with really deep acne scars were on the show, trying to figure out which one was the father of a baby. Their annoying mother came out and screamed at everyone. It was so incredibly trashy that it become oddly fascinating.

I followed this with a second episode, in which Steve tossed an abusive boyfriend off of his stage. That was satisfying to see. Believe it or not, I do think that Steve was perhaps a bit more sincere than his fellow daily talk show hosts. The dislike that he felt towards abusers and cheaters always seemed real in a way that Maury Povich’s similar outrage did not.

On Friday morning, I watched two episodes while doing some work in my office. The first episode featured a woman with a scummy, abusive boyfriend. She dumped him at the end of the episode and the entire audience chanted her name. This was followed by an episode featuring a woman who claimed that her ex-boyfriend had stolen the ashes of her deceased and cremated child. That was weird and depressing.

Welcome Back Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back Kotter here!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.25 “Murder on the High Seas/Sounds of Silence/Cyrano de Bricker”

Posted on July 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Sonny Bono shocks the squares!

Episode 2.25 “Murder on the High Seas/Sounds of Silence/Cyrano de Bricker”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 17th, 1979)

Uh-oh! The singer who Julie hired to perform on the cruise had to cancel! Fortunately, Gopher has a connection at a talent agent and he is able to recruit a replacement. Meet Dominic Dark!

He’s pretty fearsome! When he arrives on the boat, he’s accompanied by his manager (Arte Johnson) and a living snake. When he performs in the Acapulco Lounge, he destroys his instruments and sings about how much he loves rebelling against conventional society. But underneath that KISS-inspired makeup and behind those sub-Alice Cooper-style lyrics …. wait a minute …. is that….

Yes, this is one of the four episode of The Love Boat to feature singer and future U.S. Rep. Sonny Bono as a passenger on The Love Boat. (Fred “Gopher” Grandy would also go on to serve in the House as well.) Not surprisingly, Mr. Dark turns out to actually be a rather mild-mannered gentleman named Phil Backstrom. Phil wants to abandon all the gimmicks and just make a name for himself as a singer but his manager orders him to keep putting on the makeup and to keep upsetting the squares. While on the cruise, Phil meets and falls in love with Sara (Sheila Lenham), who understands his love of music and who is also deaf.

It’s actually a pretty sweet story and Sonny Bono is so likable that it’s easy to see how he managed to go from singing to having a career in politics. But the main appeal of this entire storyline, and indeed this entire episode, is the chance to see Sonny Bono playing a 70s-style shock rocker. It’s one of those ideas that is so ludicrous that it’s actually kind of fun. Bono looks so awkward in his makeup that it’s hard not to root for him. I also liked the fact that the other largely middle-aged and obviously wealthy passengers all loved Phil’s act. It seemed like Phil’s biggest fans were the same people who, in theory, were supposed to be shocked by his antics.

As for the other two stories, Jill St. John plays Mitzi, an old friend of Doc’s who boards the boat with her new husband, Vinnie (Charlie Callas). It’s supposed to be their honeymoon cruise but Vinnie seems to be more interested in gambling than honeymooning. At one point, he says that, after living with Mitzi for two years before getting married, the honeymoon just feels like another trip. Needless to say, Mitzi leaves their cabin and decides to spend the cruise in Doc’s office. Doc Bricker is able to bring Mitzi and Vinnie back together but it’s hard not to feel that Mitzi made the right decision when she left Vinnie the first time. I mean, Vinnie’s a jerk! And he seems to have a bit of a gambling problem….

Finally, Isaac thinks that he overhears two people (Peter Lawford and Dana Wynter) plotting to kill Captain Stubing. This leads to Isaac and eventually the entire crew getting into a panic but it turns out that Lawford and Wynter are just two mystery novelists plotting out their latest book. The main problem with this plot is that it hinged on a mistake that Isaac, at least based on what we’ve seen of him in previous episodes, normally wouldn’t make. Misunderstanding a conversation seemed more like something that Gopher would do. Isaac has always been the smart and down-to-Earth member of the crew and Ted Lange never looks quite as comfortable with slapstick antics of this episode as Fred Grandy probably would have.

In the end, this was fairly negligible episode that was occasionally amusing due to the efforts of future congressman Sonny Bono.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 7/16/23 — 7/22/23

Posted on July 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

City Guys (YouTube)

I wrote about City Guys here.

Claim To Fame (Monday Night, ABC)

Claim to Fame is a show where 12 relatives of celebrities compete to be the last relative standing. If someone guesses who you are related to, then you’re out of the show. If someone incorrectly guesses who you are related to, they are out of the show. It’s all really, really silly but it’s also a lot more fun than it probably has any right to be. It helps that the show is hosted by the totally charming duo of Kevin and Frankie Jonas.

I watched the first three episodes of the second season on Sunday morning. The highlight, of course, was the epic meltdown of Tom Hanks’s niece, who really only had herself to blame for being eliminated because she literally had a panic attack whenever anyone mentioned that someone on the show might be related to Tom Hanks. As I finished the third episode, I decided that Olivia and Chris were my two favorite players and that Hugo was least favorite, largely due to the fact that Hugo just seemed awfully impressed with himself.

I watched the latest episode on Monday night. Eddie Murphy’s daughter was finally sent out of the house. I say finally because everyone pretty much figured out who she was during the second episode. That said, she seemed to be a nice person.

Degrassi High (YouTube)

Old school Degrassi! As much as I hate to admit, I haven’t seen much of either Degrassi Junior High or Degrassi High but I intend to remedy that soon. On the two episodes I watched, the school bully discovered that he was HIV+ and Joey’s attempt to raise money for a new car failed. It was interesting seeing Joey when he was younger and still had hair.

Fantasy Island (YouTube)

I wrote about Fantasy Island here!

Happy Hour (YouTube)

I watched the 2nd episode of this old 90s game show on Saturday morning. Dweezil and Ahmet Zappa hosted. Ahemt had a bit too much energy for his own good but at least Mario Lopez was one of the contestants. There was an extremely creepy moment when a woman was brought out of the audience and talked about how obsessed she was with Mario. Also interesting was to note that this episode was nearly 30 years old but Mario Lopez looked exactly the same as he does today. The man seriously does not age.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

The Master (Tubi)

I wrote about The Master here!

Night Music (YouTube)

I watched an episode of this 90s late night music show on Friday night. Bootsy Collins performed and it was very entertaining.

The Simpsons (Weekdays, FXX)

I watched two episodes of this long-running show on Thursday afternoon. In the first episode, Bart was expelled from Springfield Elementary but, fortunately, he was allowed to re-enroll after he exposed the truth about whacking day and saved the lives of a bunch of snakes. This was followed by an episode in which Marge forgot to pay for a bottle of whiskey and was sent to jail for 30 days. Needless to say, the entire town fell apart without her and was forced to settle for a Jimmy Carter statue when they couldn’t afford one of Lincoln. This led to riots, as one would naturally expect.

Stars on Mars (Monday Night, Fox)

I binged and got up-to-date with this stupid, stupid show throughout the week. As dumb as it is, it’s compulsively watchable. On the one hand, it was great to see William Shatner hamming it up as the host. On the other hand, is it really time for Lance Armstrong redemption tour?

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about “The Sit-In” here!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.24 “Ages of Man/Bo and Sam/Families”

Posted on July 19, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the Captain needs a new watch but his crew is determined to give him a bunch of toothpicks instead.

Episode 2.24 “Ages of Man/Bo and Sam/Familes”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 10th, 1979)

This week’s cruise gets off to a bizarre start with Captain Stubing reminding the members of the crew that he will soon be hitting his 5-year anniversary mark as their captain. Doc, Julie, Gopher, and Isaac are planning to throw him a huge surprise party and they’ve even gotten him a gift, a replica of the Love Boat made out of toothpicks!

Now, it’s not just the gift that feels strange about this scenario. There’s also the fact that Stubing claims that he’s been captain of the Pacific Princess for five years even though the show is only in its second season. As you may remember, the very first episode of The Love Boat featured the crew still talking about how they couldn’t figure out the proper way to approach their new captain and how they didn’t know anything about his background. So, unless three years passed without anyone noticing, the Captain has only been on the ship for two years.

Add to that, Captain Stubing keeps telling anyone who will listen that he needs a new watch. So why is the crew dumb enough to give him a boat made out of toothpicks for his anniversary gift? The toothpick boat itself is constructed by two close friends, Bo (Philip Charles MacKenzie) and Sam (Michael Tucci). Of course, when Bo and Sam deliver the gift to the cruise, they end up breaking it in half. As a result, they stowaway on the ship so that they can rebuild the toothpick boat. And they do rebuild it! But then they break it again so, with hours to go until the Captain’s party, they again have to rebuild it. When they deliver the boat the captain’s party, they discover that every member of the crew has given Stubing some sort of miniature boat. Stubing is not particularly excited about the toothpick boat until he hears the sound of something ticking inside of it. Yes, that’s right, Sam’s watch fell off while they were rebuilding the boat. Stubing smashes the toothpick boat and is overjoyed to discover a watch, one that is inscribed with a touching message about friendship. Bo promises to get Sam a new watch.

This storyline was …. well, to say it was frustrating is perhaps putting it a little bit too lightly. Seriously, it never made any sense. Why, if the Captain keeps telling you that he desperately needs a new watch, would you buy him a toothpick boat instead? And why, with something that fragile, would you not wrap it up or find some other way to protect it before trying to carry it onto the cruise? Every time that fake boat got destroyed, I wanted to throw something at the TV.

As for the other storylines….

Julie develops a crush on an older passenger named Walter (Paul Burke) while a younger passenger named Bobby Trymon (Patrick Labyorteaux) develops a crush on Julie. Julie wants to spend all of her time dancing with Walter but she also has to try to let teenage Bobby down gently. Eventually, Julie tells Bobby that he’s too young for her and then Walter explains that he’s too old for Julie. So, everyone ends up miserable.

While that’s going on, publisher Hank Hardaway (Leslie Nielsen) is shocked to discover that his arch nemesis, union leader Monica Cross (Arlene Dahl) is on the cruise! Hank’s daughter, Diana (Ellen Bry), thinks that Monica has a point about protecting the working man while Monica’s son, Jeff (Mark Shera), thinks that Hank has a point about working hard and pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. Eventually, Diana falls for Jeff and Hank falls for Monica and the four of them prove that you can love someone even if you disagree with their politics. This storyline was simple and silly but, to be honest, kind of charming. Nielsen, who still in the “serious actor” phase of his career when he did this episode, seemed a bit more relaxed than usual and Ellen Bry and Mark Shera had a likable chemistry. Simple as this story may have been, it was kind of what the episode needed to counterbalance all the toothpick boat nonsense.

This cruise was a mixed bag. At least the Captain got a watch.