Horror On TV: The Paul Lynde Halloween Special (dir by Sid Smith)


Tonight, from 1976, we have The Paul Lynde Halloween Special.  

In this special, actor and comedian Paul Lynde celebrates Halloween with Betty White, KISS, Donny and Marie Osmond, Florence Henderson, Billy Barty, Margaret Hamilton (the original Wicked Witch of the West), and I’m going to guess a mountain of cocaine that was probably sitting backstage.

This special is definitely a product of a very certain era in America’s cultural history.

Retro Television Review: Twin Detectives (dir by Robert Day)


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  This Thursday, I will be reviewing Twin Detectives, which was produced for ABC in 1990.  The show can be found on YouTube!

Twin Detectives

(Dir by Robert Day, Originally aired on May 1st, 1976)

Tony (Jim Hager) and Shep Thomas (Jon Hager) are identical twins who long ago gave up on other people ever being able to tell them apart. Instead, they just pretend to be one person. They own a detective agency. Their clients think that they’re hiring one detective, but little do they know that they’re actually hiring two detectives who look exactly alike! I’m not sure exactly why the Thomas brothers have decided this is a good idea, other than the fact that I guess they each only have to work half a day. It does lead to some complications, like when one of the brothers gets into debt to some gangsters and the other brother ends up getting beaten up. To be honest, I’m not sure whether Tony was the irresponsible one or if it was Shep. All I know is that both of them spent this entire made-for-TV movie getting into trouble because of the decisions made by the other sibling.

As for why I’m reviewing this in October, there actually is a supernatural angle here. Leonard (Patrick O’Neal) and Sheila Rainier (Barbara Rhoades) are running an institute that claims to study psychic phenomena. The elderly and rich Billy Jo Haskins (Lillian Gish) has been funding the Rainiers and is convinced that they can communicate with her dead husband. Billy Jo’s attorney, Marvin Telford (David White), hires the brothers to investigate the institute. At first, it seems like Leonard’s assistant (Lynda Day George) is on the verge of revealing the truth about the scam, but then she’s murdered. The Thomas brothers have to solve the murder and also resolve the question of whether the Rainiers are truly talking to the dead.

Twin Detectives was obviously meant to be a pilot for a weekly show. The Hager brothers were so bereft of charisma and acting ability that I actually felt the need to do some research to try to discover why they were given a pilot in the first place. Apparently, the Hagers were country music performers who had appeared on several variety shows and had a following in middle America. This pilot was obviously designed to appeal to the older folks in the audience, but it didn’t work because, again, the Hagers weren’t very good actors and the whole idea of them pretending to be one person just didn’t make much sense.

Sadly, the film wastes its guest stars. Lillian Gish was one of the first film stars, but she’s not given much to do as Billy Jo Haskins. Wherever D. W. Griffith may have been, he wasn’t watching.

Review: Legend (dir. by Ridley Scott)


“What is light without dark? What are you without me? I am a part of you all. You can never defeat me. We are brothers eternal!” — Darkness

Legend is one of those films that feels like it should be a masterpiece even before it begins. It has Ridley Scott behind the camera, an extravagant fantasy premise, elaborate practical effects, striking production design, and a cast that includes a young Tom Cruise, Mia Sara, and Tim Curry. Released in 1985, the film arrived as a dark fantasy event that had been heavily anticipated, especially because Scott had already earned a reputation for visually stunning films. Alien and Blade Runner had established him as a director who could make entire worlds feel tactile, mysterious, and overwhelming. The idea of Scott applying that sensibility to unicorns, goblins, forest sprites, demonic lords, and fairy-tale mythology was exciting on paper. Unfortunately, while Legend is often gorgeous to look at, it becomes an uneven mess that is only saved from becoming a major disappointment by Tim Curry’s performance as Darkness.

The setup is familiar enough to sound almost deliberately archetypal. In a magical forest, Jack, played by Cruise, is a woodland boy who lives in harmony with nature and has fallen in love with the innocent Princess Lili, played by Sara. The world’s balance is tied to a pair of unicorns, embodiments of purity and light. Darkness, a devil-like ruler who wishes to plunge the world into permanent night, sends his goblin servants to kill the unicorns and take one of their horns. Lili’s fascination with the unicorns sets the tragedy in motion, and once one of the creatures is slain, winter and darkness descend upon the land. Jack must rescue Lili, restore the horn, defeat Darkness, and return light to the world.

There is nothing inherently wrong with a simple fairy-tale plot. In fact, Scott’s strongest instinct in Legend is treating fantasy with a sense of visual seriousness. The forest does not look like a clean studio set built for children; it looks damp, overgrown, foggy, and vaguely dangerous. The trees loom like ancient creatures, shafts of light break through the branches in painterly bursts, and even the beautiful areas of the film carry an eerie quality. Scott and cinematographer Alex Thomson create images that often resemble illustrated storybooks poisoned by a nightmare. The film’s environments are its greatest achievement. Whether it is the glowing forest, the icy wasteland after the unicorn’s death, or Darkness’ fire-lit underworld, Legend makes a serious effort to create a fully realized fantasy space rather than simply dressing actors in costumes and placing them in generic medieval scenery.

That visual commitment is why the film remains so fascinating despite its flaws. You can pause almost anywhere and find something worth admiring: a strange creature in the background, smoke drifting through a cavern, an enormous set textured with roots and stone, or a costume that looks handmade rather than mass-produced. Scott’s eye for atmosphere is undeniable. The film has an unusual physicality, too. Its magic is created through prosthetics, makeup, puppetry, matte work, and elaborate sets, so even when some effects have aged, they retain a handmade charm. Modern fantasy often has the advantage of digital flexibility, but Legend has the kind of tactile design that makes its world feel like it has dirt under its fingernails.

Still, visual beauty cannot completely compensate for a story that never finds a consistent rhythm. Legend often feels less like a fully developed narrative than a collection of spectacular images and half-formed fairy-tale ideas. Characters appear with little introduction, emotional shifts happen abruptly, and major story developments can feel rushed or strangely underexplained. The theatrical cut in particular carries the sense that important connective material has been removed. There are moments when the movie seems to expect emotional investment simply because the images are grand or the music swells, but the script has not done enough to earn that reaction.

Jack is also an unusually bland hero for a film that needs a strong center. Cruise was still early in his career, and there are flashes of the screen presence that would soon make him a major star. He is physically committed and looks believable racing through forests, climbing ruins, and confronting danger. But Jack is written as a generic pure-hearted fantasy protagonist, and Cruise never gets enough material to make him feel specific. He is brave because the story says he is brave, romantic because the story says he loves Lili, and destined to save the world because that is what these stories require. He does not have much inner conflict beyond the expected guilt and determination.

Lili is similarly underwritten, although Mia Sara does bring a dreamy, otherworldly quality to the role. The film wants her to embody innocence, temptation, and romantic idealism, but it does not give her much agency until she becomes corrupted by Darkness’ influence. Her transformation into a dark bride is visually memorable, especially in the elaborate black gown and makeup, but it also highlights the film’s habit of prioritizing imagery over character. The sequence is beautiful, eerie, and loaded with gothic fantasy appeal, yet Lili’s emotional journey into that role feels more decorative than dramatically convincing.

The supporting characters are more colorful but not always more useful. The dwarfs, elves, and forest companions give the story occasional energy, particularly the sarcastic fairy Oona and the armored dwarf Gump. Yet their presence can make the film feel tonally scattered. Sometimes Legend wants to be haunting and mythic; sometimes it wants broad comic relief; sometimes it drifts toward romantic melodrama. Those modes do not always blend. The result is a movie that can move from an ominous demonic ritual to a goofy side-character exchange without establishing a stable tone.

Then there is Tim Curry, who walks into the movie and immediately makes every other problem less important. His Darkness is one of the most iconic fantasy villains ever put on screen, and it is not difficult to understand why. The makeup design alone is astounding: massive horns, red skin, cloven hooves, muscular proportions, and a towering silhouette that makes him look like a medieval illustration of Satan brought to life. But the design would be nothing without Curry’s performance. He does not merely hide beneath the prosthetics; he gives Darkness a voice, posture, and seductive intelligence.

Curry plays Darkness as both monstrous and theatrical. His deep, measured delivery turns lines about night, desire, and evil into something genuinely alluring. He understands that the character should not simply roar or sneer. Darkness is persuasive. He offers Lili beauty, power, and escape from innocence, which makes him more interesting than a villain who only threatens destruction. His scenes with Sara have a strange, almost operatic energy, mixing horror, seduction, and camp in a way that fits the film’s most ambitious visual impulses. Curry makes Darkness feel ancient, vain, cruel, romantic, and weirdly funny all at once. He gives Legend its pulse.

The famous confrontation between Jack and Darkness should be the film’s crowning achievement, and visually it almost is. Darkness’ lair, lit by flames and surrounded by infernal architecture, gives Scott room to indulge his talent for monumental images. Curry’s villain towers over Cruise, making the hero look small and vulnerable. Yet even here, the fight is more memorable for its atmosphere than its dramatic construction. It is a good example of the whole film: rich in aesthetic invention, less persuasive as storytelling.

The music also reflects the movie’s fractured identity. Different versions of Legend are associated with different scores, most notably the Jerry Goldsmith score and the Tangerine Dream soundtrack used in the American theatrical release. The Goldsmith material feels more classically mythic and orchestral, while Tangerine Dream’s electronic music gives the film a distinctly 1980s dream-pop atmosphere. Both have their supporters, and both alter the experience considerably. That split feels appropriate for a movie that has always existed in multiple forms and competing moods. Legend is never quite one thing.

In the end, Legend is a flawed cult fantasy rather than a lost masterpiece. Its reputation rests largely on its imagery, its practical craftsmanship, and Curry’s towering performance, not on the strength of its plot or its emotional depth. Ridley Scott clearly wanted to make a dark fairy tale that felt ancient and sensual, but the finished film too often gets trapped between mythic grandeur, children’s fantasy, gothic romance, and broad adventure comedy. It is an uneven mess, but it is a beautiful one. And every time Tim Curry’s Darkness enters the frame, Legend briefly becomes the extraordinary film it was always trying to be.

Horror On TV: The Paul Lynde Halloween Special (dir by Sid Smith)


Tonight, from 1976, we have The Paul Lynde Halloween Special.  

In this special, actor and comedian Paul Lynde celebrates Halloween with Betty White, KISS, Donny and Marie Osmond, Florence Henderson, Billy Barty, Margaret Hamilton (the original Wicked Witch of the West), and I’m going to guess a mountain of cocaine that was probably sitting backstage.

This special is definitely a product of a very certain era in America’s cultural history.

Masters of the Universe (1987, directed by Gary Goddard)


On the distant planet Eternia, the evil Skeletor (Frank Langella) has finally taken over Castle Grayskull and imprisoned the Sorceress (Christina Pickles).  When He-Man (Dolph Lundgren) and his allies Teela (Chelsea Field), Man-At-Arms (Jon Cypher), and Gwildor (Billy Barty) launch a rescue mission, they find themselves overwhelmed by Skeletor’s forces and are forced to use an interdimensional key to escape.

He-Man and his friends end up in 1980s California.  The key is lost in the process and discovered by two teenagers, one of whom is played by a pre-Friends Courteney Cox.  Skeletor sends Evil-Lyn (Meg Foster), Beast Man (Tony Carroll), and a host of other henchmen after the key.

The first (and, as of this writing, only) live action film to be based on the famous Mattel action figures, Masters of the Universe was produced by Cannon and it should have been a lot better than it actually was.  The idea of He-Man and Skeletor in modern-day California was a good one and it’s easy to imagine scenes of He-Man and Skeletor wandering around downtown Los Angeles and being as shocked by the locals as the locals are by them.  Big, blonde Dolph Lundgren seemed like the ideal pick for the role of He-Man.  Best of all, from the perspective of many, is that there was no Orko.  The most annoying member of the He-Man ensemble was left out of the film.  (Billy Barty’s Gwildor may have sometimes been annoying but he was still better than Orko.)

Unfortunately, the movie did not live up to anyone’s expectations.  Taking more inspiration for Star Wars and Conan than from any of the He-Man mythology, Cannon’s version of Masters of the Universe is a generic action movie in which He-Man is reduced to being just another forthright hero with a sword.  (He’s not Prince Adam in this movie.  He’s just He-Man.)   Teela doesn’t even wear her famous costume.  The main problem with Masters of the Universe is that so few of the Masters actually appear in the movie.  This was a Cannon/Mattel co-production but apparently, Mattel was stingy when it came to delivering their half of the budget.  There wasn’t enough money to bring He-Man’s rogue’s gallery (not to mention the majority of his allies) to life.  The means no Trap-Jaw and no Mer-Man.  Not even Ram Man makes the cut and this movie could have really used Ram Man.

Fortunately, Skeletor and Evil-Lyn are present to pick up the slack.  (When it came to the Masters of the Universe franchise as a whole, the villains were always more entertaining than the heroes.)  With the help of a surprisingly convincing makeup job that give him a skull face, Frank Langella appears to be having the time of his life as the evil Skeletor and I wasn’t surprised to recently read that this was one of Langella’s favorite roles.  Langella seems to having a blast playing such a thoroughly evil and cartoonish character and his scenes have a playful energy that the rest of the film is lacking.  Meg Foster, she of the piercing eyes, is the perfect choice for Evil-Lyn and is magnetically evil.  They provide some of the most entertaining villainy since Max von Sydow announced, “Klytus, I’m bored,” at the start of Flash Gordon.

Masters of the Universe was a critical failure when it was released in 1987, which isn’t a surprise.  A film based on a toy line and a children’s cartoon?  Maybe that would be an Oscar nominee today but, in 1987, there was no way the critics were going to go for it.  But Masters of the Universe was also a box office failure, one of many high-profile Cannon films that failed to score when it was first released.  (It did find a cult following when it was released on video.)  A proposed sequel — in which Lundgren would be replaced as He-Man by surfer Laird Hamilton — was abandoned.  The sets that had been built for Masters of the Universe 2 were instead used for Cyborg, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.

A new live action Masters of the Universe film is scheduled to be released in 2026.  Jared Leto will be playing Skeletor.  That is probably all that needs to be said.

 

Life Stinks (1991, directed by Mel Brooks)


Goddard Bolt (Mel Brooks), the massively wealthy CEO of Bolt Enterprises, wants to buy up a huge area of Los Angeles’s slums and tear them down, transforming the area into a chic neighborhood and moving all of the poor residents and street people out.  Rival businessman Vaughn Craswell (Jeffrey Tambor), who grew up in the slum and dreams of destroying it himself, has the same plan.  He and Bolt make a bet.  If Bolt can survive for 30 days on the streets, Craswell will allow Bolt to have the property.  Bolt agrees and soon, he is penniless and sleeping in alleys.  While Bolt befriends Sailor (Howard Morris) and Fumes (Theodore Wilson) and falls in love with a former dancer named Molly (Lesley Ann Warren), Craswell schemes to take over Bolt’s company and keep Bolt on the streets permanently.

Life Stinks was one of Mel Brooks’s attempts to make a straight comedy that wasn’t a parody and which had a serious message underneath the laughs.  The mix of comedy and drama doesn’t really gel,  because the drama is too dark and the comedy is too cartoonish.  Life Stinks is often guilty of romanticizing living on the streets.  With the exception of two muggers, everyone whom Bolt meets is a saint.  It is still interesting to see Brooks creatively at his most heartfelt and humanistic.

Life Stinks does feature some of Mel Brooks’s best work as an actor and it’s also features an excellent turn from Lesley Anne Warren.  At first, I thought Warren would be miscast as a woman who spent her days in a soup kitchen and her nights sleeping in an alley.  But she actually gives a very sweet and believable performance.

No matter what else, Mel Brooks is a true mensch.

 

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.6 “Counterfeit”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

Tonight’s episode is weird.

Episode 3.6 “Counterfeit”

(Dir by John Florea, originally aired on October 20th, 1979)

Ponch is shocked to discover that he’s carrying several counterfeit twenties.  He turns the money into the Treasure Department, hoping that it will mean receiving an monetary award.  Instead, he’s told that his reward is helping the government crack down  on the bad guys.  Ha!  Take that, Ponch!

That said, you better believe that Ponch is there to help arrest the counterfeiters, who turn out to be a bunch of phony preachers working out of a church.  I know that sounds like the sort of thing that could be interesting.  But, for the most part, these guys are still just generic CHiPs bad guys, even if one of them is played by veteran screen tough guy Ralph Meeker.

Meanwhile, Ponch goes on a date with a woman and is upset when it appears that she’s shallow and doesn’t want to talk about anything that is the least bit intellectual.  That’s our, Ponch!  He’s never shallow!  Fortunately, it turns out that his date isn’t shallow either.  She was just pretending to be shallow to test whether or not Ponch was shallow.  And now, it’s time to dance!  Wait, what?  That doesn’t make any sense.  Ponch — when are you going to settle down?  Disco isn’t going to last forever.

While that’s going on, architect James O’Hara (played by veteran dwarf actor Billy Barty) becomes frustrated with people assuming that he can’t drive because of his size.  He gets tired of all the dumb jokes and the condescending remarks.  As a result, he keeps getting into minor accident whenever he drives on the highway.  This was a strange storyline, largely because O’Hara’s scenes made up over half the episode despite the fact that he had never appeared on the show before and he barely interacted with the members of the Highway Patrol.  A part of me wonders if maybe this episode was meant to be a backdoor pilot for a series about James O’Hara.  The other weird thing about this episode is that O’Hara’s frustration over people making fun of his height was often played for laughs.  The whole thing just felt well-intentioned but oddly tone deaf.

If you’re keeping track, this episode had two Ponch storylines and a storyline about a guy we had never seen before.  Sorry, Baker!  If we had any doubts about who was the favored partner as far as this show goes, this episode erased them.

This whole episode just felt weird.  On the plus side, there was a lot of nice California scenery and there were quite a few accidents, which is the main reason why most people would have been watching the show in the first place.  But this episode really is an example of how a show can get bogged down with a character that we’ve never seen before and that we’ll probably never see again.  The episode just never comes together.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.23 “Cornelius and Alphonse/The Choice”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles!  This week, we visit the other side of the Island.

Episode 2.23 “Cornelius and Alphonse/The Choice”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on May 6th, 1979)

This was a bit of an odd episode.

First off, the official title of the show, for this episode, was Fantasy Island Sunday Special.  Usually, Fantasy Island aired on Saturdays.  This episode, as you can guess by the title, aired on a Sunday.  Secondly, this episode does away with both the plane and Tattoo’s signature cry of “Da Plane Da Plane,” and instead has the guests arrive on the island in a hot air balloon.  Tattoo (who is once again seen driving his little car, so I guess he finally recovered it after it was stolen earlier in the season) and Mr. Roarke are joined by a second assistant, Cindy (Kimberly Beck, who readers of this site will probably recognize as the likable lead in films like Massacre at Central High and Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter).  At one point, Roarke says that “Cindy helps me on this side of the Island.”  If nothing else, this episode confirms that Roarke has multiple assistants and the Island is really, really big.

Actually, it’s a good thing that Cindy is there because Cornelius (Red Buttons) and Alphonse (Billy Barty) have kidnapped Tattoo!  Cornelius is a former employee of the Island but he was fired for stealing.  When he returns to the Island, he says that his fantasy is to just have a pleasant holiday with his friend Alphonse.  However, Cornelius’s real fantasy is to get revenge on Mr. Roarke by abducting Tattoo and holding him for ransom!

Of course, anyone who has been paying attention to the show up to this point knows that Cornelius and Alphonse have made a mistake.  Mr. Roarke and Tattoo obviously loathe each other.  When Mr. Roarke finds out that Tattoo is being held captive in a conveniently deserted castle, he doesn’t really seem that concerned about it.  And Tattoo turns out to be such a disruptive presence that Cornelius is soon begging Roarke to take him back.  In the end, Roarke demands money to take Tattoo off of their hands and Cornelius and Alphone end up paying off their debt by working in Fantasy Island’s kitchen.  Tattoo is amused by the whole thing, despite the fact that Mr, Roarke was essentially willing to let him die.

Meanwhile, two orphans (Kyle Richards and Michael Anderson, Jr.) are given a chance to pick their new parents.  They spend time with two sets of prospective parents.  (One of the potential fathers is a magician played by a youngish Regis Philbin.)  From the start of the fantasy, it’s pretty obvious that they’re going to ask to be adopted by Ruth (Juliet Mills), the head of the adoption agency.  And that’s exactly what happens.  The episode ends with Ruth and the children boarding a hot air balloon and flying all the way back to America.

As I said, this was a bit of a weird episode, with a new assistant and a hot air balloon.  “The other side of the Island” looks a like a theme park.  This episode was obviously designed to appeal to children and, for what it’s worth, the IMDb trivia section states that this episode was meant to be a “backdoor pilot” for a version of Fantasy Island that would appeal to children.  (I assume Cindy would have been the main character.)  Unfortunately, the kidnapping humor is a bit too broad and the adoption storyline is a bit too predictable.  Hopefully, next week’s episode will take place on the adult side of the Island.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.11 “Heads or Tails/Mona of the Movies/The Little People”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Let’s set sail for adventure!

Episode 2.11 “Heads or Tails/Mona of the Movies/The Little People”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on November 25th, 1978)

The Love Boat crew is super excited because the glamorous movie star, Mona Maxwell (Rhonda Flemming), is going to be on the cruise.  Apparently, this is not her first time to sail on the Love Boat.  Captain Stubing can’t wait to get reacquainted with her.  The walking HR nightmare that is Doc Bricker can’t wait to flirt with her.  Artie D’Angelo (Orson Bean), a passenger who owns a chain of garages, is shocked to see that his favorite movie star in on the boat.

Artie may be a big fan of Mona’s but, whenever he tries to talk to her, he finds that he simply cannot find the words.  With Doc’s help, Artie finally works up the courage to ask Mona to have dinner with him.  Mona accepts and the two of them soon find themselves falling in love.  The only problem is that Artie just cannot bring himself to believe that a big movie star like Mona would be interested in a guy like him.  Really, Artie is being way too hard on himself.  He’s a likable guy!  And, fear not, he and Mona leave ship arm-in-arm.

Meanwhile, two frat dudes — Alex (Adam Arkin) and Wally (Richard Gilliand) — have made a bet over who will be the first to sweep Julie off of her feet.  When they start the betting, it’s for money but eventually, they decide to just bet a pizza.  Julie spends time with both of them and has fun, especially with Alex.  But then a jealous Wally reveals the truth about the bet and Julie announces that she doesn’t want anything else to do with either of them.  Gopher tells Julie that she should actually be flattered that the two guys were both so determined to date her.  Apparently deciding that she’s not really bothered by the fact that both of her suitors just spent an entire weekend lying to her, Julie forgives them and then says that she’s going to spend an equal amount of time with both Alex and Wally so neither one of them will win or lose the bet.

Finally, Doug Warren (Edward Albert) is on the cruise with his parents, who are celebrating their anniversary.  Coincidentally, Doug’s co-worker, Beth (Patty McCormack), is also on the cruise!  Doug and Beth quickly fall in love but then Beth is freaked out when she sees two little people in the ship’s lounge.  She explains to Doug that little people make her nervous.  She always worries about what would happen if her child turned out to be a little people.  What she doesn’t know is that the little people — Ralph (Billy Barty) and Dottie (Patty Maloney, who also guest-starred on the famous disco-themed episode of The Brady Bunch Hour) — are Doug’s parents!

Without telling Beth why, Doug says that he can no longer see her.  A heart-broken Beth goes to the Acapulco Lounge where she gets into a conversation with Ralph and Dottie.  She discovers that Ralph and Dottie are just like everyone else and she also finds out that Doug is their very tall son.  She tells Doug that she’s no longer worried about their potential children being little people and …. you know, this plot line is just ridiculous.  Beth is prejudiced against people based on their height and she’s basically told Doug that she would freak out if her child was anything other than “normal.”  And yet, Doug and his parents act all excited when Beth announces that she still loves Doug, regardless of who his parents are.  Doug, sweetie — you can do better!

I definitely had mixed feelings about this episode.  Orson Bean and Rhonda Fleming were both perfectly charming in their storyline but the other two stories were both pretty icky.  I spent the entire episode waiting for Julie to tell off Alex and Wally and for Doug to tell off Beth and, in both cases, it didn’t happen.  This was definitely not one of the better cruises of the Pacific Princess.

Hopefully, next week’s destination will be a bit nicer.

Body Slam (1987, directed by Hal Needham)


Music promoter M. Harry Smilac (Dirk Benedict) used to be a big deal in Los Angeles but lately, his ability to create stars appears to have left him.  He still has his Porsche and his car phone but he is also several thousand dollars in debt and he only has one client, a garage hair band called Kick.  No one wants to book Kick because no one wants to work with a known screw-up like Harry.

Desperate for money, Harry agrees to serve as the entertainment chairman for a stuffy candidate for governor.  It’s while looking for potential acts to headline a fundraiser that Harry meets Quick Rick Roberts (Roddy Piper).  When Harry sees Rick getting ripped off by a promoter, Harry assumes that Rick is a musical act and quickly offers to be Rick’s agent.  It’s only after Rick has agreed that Harry discovers that Rick doesn’t play an instrument and can’t sing a note.  Instead, Rick is a professional wrestler and, by singing him, Harry has now made an enemy of Rick’s former manager, Captain Lou Munaro (played by, you guessed it, Captain Lou Albano).

Now, Harry has to find a way to pay his creditors, make stars out of both Kick and Rick, and win the hand of Candace VanVargen (Tanya Roberts), the daughter of a wealthy political benefactor.  What if there was some way to combine rock and roll with wrestling?

Dirk Benedict, Tanya Roberts, Roddy Pipper, and Captain Lou Albana, all appearing in a movie directed by Hal Needham?  Body Slam is one of the most 80s films ever made.  It’s not really a bad film.  In typical Needham fashion, it’s a loose mix of broad comedy and scenes designed to appeal to teenage boys and their fathers.  There’s a lot wrestling.  There’s a lot of spandex.  The movie opens with Harry ogling a woman in a bikini.  Body Slam knew who its audience would be.  Dirk Benedict gives a surprisingly nimble comedic performance and even Tanya Roberts has some deliberately funny moments.  Roddy Piper is likable as the steady and fair-minded Rick.  There’s nothing subtle about Captain Lou Albano’s performance but what else would you expect from a man wearing that many rubber bands?  As was typical of Needham’s films, some of the director’s friends show up in cameos.  John Astin plays a car salesman.  Charles Nelson Reilly plays a talk show host.  Billy Barty gets into an argument with Captain Lou.  Burt Reynolds is nowhere to be seen.

Unfortunately, not many people got to see Body Slam when it was originally released.  Body Slam was going to be Hal Needham’s big comeback film after the disappointing Megaforce but the film’s producers didn’t care much for the changes that Needham made to their script and they sued to keep the film from being released.  As a result, the film never got a theatrical release and it was instead sent straight to VHS, with very little fanfare.  It has since developed a cult following amongst old school wrestling fans.

Body Slam is a typically amiable Hal Needham film.  It’s nothing special but it’s enjoyable if you’re in the mood for it.