Horror Film Review: Evils of the Night (dir by Mardi Rustam)


How dumb can one movie be without becoming unwatchable?

1985’s Evils of the Night is here to answer that question!

Three space alien vampires (John Carradine, Julie Newmar, and Tina Louise) have led an expedition to Earth.  They’ve taken over a hospital and they’re stealing the blood of their patients so that it can be sent back to their dying planet.  They especially want young blood, which is why they specifically came to a college town.  Unfortunately, their intelligence was faulty and they arrived during the summer, when the campus was closed.  (I guess this is one of those rare colleges that don’t offer a summer term.)  There’s actually a very lengthy scene in which Carradine explains the faulty intelligence to Newmar and Louise and then Newmar complains about how the alien intelligence service just isn’t that good.  What makes this scene so special is that Carradine delivers his lines with a straight face and Newmar actually seems to be sincerely annoyed.  Aliens — they’re just like us!

Just because college is out of session, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t any young people hanging out down at the lake.  There’s actually quite a few, though all of them look to be a little bit too old for high school or college or whatever they’re supposed to be attending.  Several of them are played by veterans of the adult film industry, including Amber Lynn and Jerry Butler.  Everyone wants to get laid down at the lake, which is probably the most realistic thing about Evils of the Night.  However, John Carradine needs their blood so he has Julie Newmar hire two slovenly mechanics, Kurt (Neville Brand) and Fred (Aldo Ray), and sends them out to kidnap any young people that they find.  Kurt and Fred are very good at their job.  Newman pays them and mocks them for caring so much about coins.  Little do the mechanics realize that the aliens are planning on shooting them with their space laser as soon as they leave the planet.

Evils of the Night is a good example of a bad movie that is oddly watchable just because the viewer finds themselves curious as to just how stupid things can get.  The answer here is very stupid and very nonsensical  It never seems to occur to anyone just go to a different lake or maybe just do their skinny dipping in a pool somewhere.  The plot has a “make it up as you along” feel to it and that, at the very least, keeps things vaguely interesting.  The actors playing the “teen” victims are enthusiastic without being particularly good while most of the veterans in the cast are all obviously just there for the paycheck.

That said, John Carradine.  Wow.  What a career.  A trained Shakespearean actor who made his stage debut in 1925 and went on to appear in a countless number of movie, Carradine was a favorite of both John Ford and Fred Olen Ray.  Carradine appeared in hundreds of a theatrical films.  In fact, his final film was released seven years after Carradine’s death.  Carradine was one of the great actors, with that deep voice and that commanding stare.  But he was also one of those actors who was apparently willing to appear in just about anything and that’s one reason why he’s still such a beloved icon.  Playing an outer space vampire-turned-doctor was definitely not the strangest role that Carradine ever played.  Carradine handles his scenes like a pro!

Evils of the Night is dumb but I dare you to look away.

October True Crime: The Onion Field (dir by Harold Becker)


This 1979 true crime drama opens in Los Angeles in 1963.

Rookie Detective Karl Hettinger (John Savage) has just joined the Felony Squad and met his new partner, Ian Campbell (Ted Danson, making his film debut).  Ian is a tall, somewhat eccentric detective, the type who practices playing the bagpipes in the basement and who takes Hettinger under his wing.

Meanwhile, Jimmy Smith (Franklyn Seales) has just been released from prison.  The nervous and easily-led Jimmy almost immediately runs into Gregory Powell (James Woods), a small-time hood with delusions of grandeur.  Powell is the type who talks a big game but who really isn’t even that good of a thief.  Smith and Powell form an uneasy criminal partnership.  They are easily annoyed with each other but they also share an instant bond.  Though the film doesn’t actually come out and say what most viewers will be thinking, there’s a lot of subtext to a brief scene where Powell appears to caress Smith’s shoulder.

One night, Hettinger and Campbell are kidnapped by Smith and Powell.  Smith and Powell drive them out to an onion field.  Because he’s misinterpreted the Federal Kidnapping Act and incorrectly believes that he and Smith are already eligible for the death penalty because they kidnapped two police officers, Powell shoots and kills Campbell.  (The close-up image of Campbell falling dead is a disturbing one, not the least because he’s played by the instantly likable Ted Danson.)  Hettinger runs and manages to escape.  He saves his life but he’s now haunted by the feeling that he abandoned his partner.

The rest of the film deals with the years that follow that one terrible moment in the onion field.  Treated as a pariah by his fellow cops, Hettinger sinks into alcoholism and eventually becomes a compulsive shoplifter.  Smith and Powell, meanwhile, use a variety of tricks to continually escape the death penalty and to keep their case moving through the California justice system.  Powell, for instance, defends himself and then later complains that he had incompetent counsel.  Smith, meanwhile, is defended by the infamous Irving Karanek, a legendary California attorney who specialized in filing nuisances motions.  (Later Karanek found a measure of fame as Charles Manson’s attorney.  Eventually, he had a nervous breakdown in 1989, lived in his car, and was briefly suspended by practicing law.)  While Smith and especially Powell quickly adjust to being imprisoned, Hettinger spends the next decade trapped in a mental prison of guilty and bitterness.

Based on a non-fiction book by Joseph Wambaugh, The Onion Field is a compelling look at a true crime case that continue to resonate today.  The film can be a bit heavy-handed in its comparisons between the two partnerships that define the story.  Both Hettinger and Smith are young and neurotic men who find themselves working with a more confident mentor.  The difference is that Hettinger’s mentor is the cool, composed, and compassionate Ian Campbell while Smith’s sad fate is to be forever linked to the erratic Gregory Powell.  While the film may have the flat look of something that was made for television, it’s elevated by the performances of its lead actors.  James Woods give an especially strong performance as the cocky Powell, a loser in the streets who becomes a winner behind bars.  Over the course of the film, he goes from being a joke to being the prisoner that others come to for legal advice.  John Savage, meanwhile, poignantly captures Hettinger’s descent as the trauma from that night leaves him as shell of the man that he once was.

The film’s supporting cast is full of familiar faces.  Christopher Lloyd and William Sanderson show up as prisoners.  Ronny Cox plays the detective in charge of the onion field investigation.  David Huffman plays a district attorney who is pushed to his breaking point by the obstructive tactics of Smith’s attorney.  Priscilla Pointer play Ian Campbell’s haunted mother.  All of them do their part to bring this sad story to life.

The Onion Field is a chillingly effective true crime drama and a look at a murder that was inspired by one man’s inability to understand federal law.

Horror Song of The Day: Cat People (Putting Out Fire) by Giorgio Moroder and David Bowie


Today’s horror song comes the hypnotic soundtrack of Paul Schrader’s Cat People.  This song was so good that it later showed up and was used to equally strong effect in Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds.

Horror Book Review: X-Isle By Peter Lerangis


X-Isle!?

Is this a book about an island that is populated by the twenty or so people who actually refer to twitter by it’s “new” name of X?

No, actually, it’s not.  X-Isle was published in 2002, in the days before social media and ever-present phones.  X-Isle is a slasher story, one in which a group of good-looking teens end up hanging out at the exclusive Spinnaker Lodge, a luxury resort on an isolated island.  It’s like that island that Kim Kardashian took all of her friends and employees to during the COVID epidemic?  Remember that?  Everyone else was locked inside or wandering around triple-masked while Kim went to an island and then scolded everyone else for not taking proper precautions.

(Sorry to get off topic there but seriously, the COVID era was messed up in ways that people are still struggling to full comprehend.)

Reading X-Isle, I found myself wandering if you really could write an effective, non-ironic, old school slasher story nowadays.  The whole key to the slasher genre is that people have to be isolated and there has to be no way of reaching out for help.  Every slasher movie now has to come up with some extended to reason to explain why no one can call the police.  Whenever a horror movie starts with someone saying, “Give me your phone, you’ll get it back after the weekend,” I roll my eyes a little just because it’s become such a cliche.  At this point, I imagine even Camp Crystal Lake has free wi-fi.  It’s easy to imagine a camp counselor tweeting out, “Help!  There’s a murderer at Crystal Lake!” and someone replying, “Whatever, Jussie.”

X-Isle gets off to a good start with a collection inner-office dossiers that introduce us to the main characters.  What the memo reveals is that the main requirement to work at the resort is a handsome face or a good body.  Once the story kicks in, we meet our group of potential victims and, unfortunately, none of them really live up to all the hype in the introduction.  We spend a good deal of time with Carter, a womanizer who, at one point, feels the need to tell us that he’s not psychotic despite the fact that his behavior is often manipulative and narcissistic.  When you actually have to tell people that you’re not a psycho, you probably are. Of course, in this book, Carter is one of the heroes.

Someone is killing guests and employees.  It’s a YA book so we don’t actually see the kills but the aftermath is described in properly grisly fashion.  The reveal of who the killer was doesn’t make much sense but, given that the book ends with a cliffhanger, that was perhaps deliberate.

Anyway, I’ve always kind of enjoyed the slasher genre, even with all of its cliches and its issues towards anyone who shows the slightest spark of independence.  X-Isle was a fast and entertaining read.  None of the characters were particularly likable which made it a lot less stressful to read about them being put in danger.  In the end, the main lesson is to stay away from mysterious islands.  That’s probably good advice.

Horror Film Review: Voodoo Man (dir by William Beaudine)


In 1944’s Voodoo Man, Michael Ames stars as Ralph, a screenwriter who has been asked to write a treatment based on the real case of several “girl motorists” who have disappeared in the surrounding area.  Ralph turns down the assignment because he’s busy planning his wedding to Betty (Wanda McKay).  However, when Betty’s maid of honor, Stella (Louise Currie), vanishes, Ralph and Betty set out to investigate.  As Ralph puts it, he’s become a part of the story that he earlier rejected.

What has happened to Stella and all of the other women?  They’ve been abducted by Toby (John Carradine) and Grego (Pat McKee), two lunkheads who work for Dr. Marlowe (Bela Lugosi).  Dr. Marlowe lives in an isolated mansion where he is cared for by his loyal housekeeper (Mici Goty).  Twenty-two years ago, Dr. Marlowe’s wife, Evelyn (Ellen Hall), died but Marlowe has been able to keep her body in a sort of suspended animation ever since.  Marlowe is kidnapping women because, through the use of voodoo and mad science, he hopes to take their “will to live” and transfers it into Evelyn.  Helping Marlowe out is a voodoo priest named Nicholas (George Zucco).

Lugosi, Carradine, and Zucco!  Obviously, the main appeal of Voodoo Man is that it brings together three great names in horror. Even if the story doesn’t really make much sense (and it doesn’t), the film gets a lot of mileage out of the combination of Lugosi, Carradine, and Zucco.  While Lugosi does seem to be a bit bored with his role, Carradine and Zucco really throw themselves into their characters.  John Carradine, in particular, seems to be having the time of his life as he shuffles around the mansion and replies, “Yes, master,” to every command from Dr. Marlowe.  It’s the type of entertaining performance that could only be delivered by a trained Shakespearean slumming in a low-budget, B-grade horror film.  As for Zucco, he plays Nicholas with a certain amount of ruthless erudition.  Zucco is playing the Boris Karloff role here and he definitely seems to understand what that means.

As for the film itself, it has its moments.  Legend has it that director William Beaudine’s nickname was “One Shot” because he was usually only willing to do one take of each scene.  As a result, he filmed quickly and he didn’t spend a lot of money and that was probably a good thing for a production like Voodoo Man.  It also meant that if someone flubbed a line or bumped into a piece of furniture, that take would still be the one that showed up in the film.  My favorite moment of Voodoo Man was when the local sheriff (Henry Hall) referred to Dr. Marlowe as being “Dr. Martin,” and Bela Lugosi, who appeared to be struggling not to laugh, quickly said, “It’s Marlowe.”  The sheriff corrected himself.  That’s the type of fun you don’t get in movies made by people who do more than one take.

Voodoo Man has a quick 61-minute running time.  To enjoy it, it probably helps to already be a fan of low-budget, B-horror films from the 40s.  Lugosi, Carradine, and Zucco are combination that deserves to be seen.

Horror On The Lens: Baffled! (dir by Philip Leacock)


This is a film that I share every year for Horrorthon and can you blame me?  Check out this pitch: Leonard Nimoy is a race car driver who can see into the future and who uses his powers to solve crimes!

Seriously, if that’s not enough to get you to watch the 1973 made-for-TV movie Baffled!, then I don’t know what is.  In the film, Nimoy takes a break from racing so that he and a parapsychologist (played by Susan Hampshire) can solve the mystery of the visions that Nimoy is having of a woman in a mansion.  This movie was meant to serve as a pilot and I guess if the series had been picked up, Nimoy would have had weekly visions.  Of course, the movie didn’t lead to a series but Baffled! is still fun in a 70s television sort of way.  Thanks to use of what I like to call “slo mo of doom,” a few of Nimoy’s visions are creepy and the whole thing ends with the promise of future adventures that were sadly never to be.  And it’s a shame because I’ve always wondered what was going on with that couple at the airport!

Enjoy Baffled!  Can you solve the mystery before Leonard?

 

October Positivity: Nothing Is Impossible (dir by Matt Shapira)


With apologies to Brad Crain, I’ve never been a basketball fan.

I’m not really a team sports fan in general but basketball truly gets on my nerves.  My main issue, of course, is that all the squeaky shoes make it difficult for me to watch a game.  The constant squeaking is headache-inducing.  My other problem with basketball is that people who like basketball tend to really, really, really like it, to the extent that they can’t handle the fact that some of us don’t really care.  Finally, I get tired of being expected to pay attention to whatever it is the coaches say after the game.  How many times have I come online to see breathless stories about a basketball coach giving his thoughts on current events?  Like seriously, who cares?  Why would I care what a coach thinks about tariffs?  Why are we even asking basketball coaches for their opinions?  Aren’t basketball coaches just supposed to yell at people until they get kicked out of the game?  I’ve seen Hoosiers, which I will acknowledge is a very good movie despite my feelings about the game.  Gene Hackman was constantly getting kicked off the court and everyone loved him for it.  Temper tantrums, that’s what we need from basketball coaches.  We don’t need to know your thoughts on the cost of bread.

What’s the point of all this?  Before I talk about 2022’s Nothing Is Impossible, I thought you deserved to know my own bias against the game.  Nothing is Impossible is a movie that loves basketball.

Nothing is impossible?  Try telling that to former basketball-star-turned-high-school-janitor Scott Beck (David A.R. White).  Scott, we’re told, could have been a star in the NBA but it didn’t pan out.  Instead, Scott works as a janitor and volunteers as an assistant high school coach.  While NBA players and their coaches are answering questions about who they voted for in the last election, Scott is looking after his alcoholic father and regretting the fact that he left Ryan Aikins (Nadja Bjorlin) at the altar.

Ryan is now the owner of a basketball team and, when the team announces that it will be holding live tryouts for anyone who wants to try to make the team, Scott finds himself tempted to try to achieve his dream of playing in the NBA.  Can Scott do it?  Can he still compete at a competitive level?  Actually, could he ever compete at a competitive level?  Listen, I know this is a PureFlix film and David A.R. White can probably appear in any one of their films that he wants to because he’s one of the founders of the company but White is never particularly convincing as someone who could make a professional basketball team.  He’s not particularly tall.  He doesn’t come across as being particularly athletic.  He’s middle-aged.  Nothing is impossible the title tells us but the idea of an unathletic, middle-aged, 5’10 white guy dunking on a bunch of NBA superstars truly tests that claim.

The important thing, of course, is that Scott and Ryan discover that they’re still in love and White and Bjorlin manage to generate enough romantic chemistry to make a believable couple.  The other important thing is that Steven Bauer shows up as a heartless executive.  It’s always nice to see Bauer destroying dreams.  Otherwise, the film did not change my opinion about basketball.

Seriously, those shoes are just too damn squeaky….

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi: The Next Generation 1.8 “Secrets & Lies”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi: The Next Generation, which aired from 2001 to 2015!  The series can be streamed on YouTube and Tubi.

This week, Ashley learns her father’s secret.

Episode 1.8 “Secrets & Lies”

(Dir by Bruce McDonald, originally aired on May 6th, 2002)

This is a landmark episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation for two reasons.

First off, it’s the first episode to establish that Liberty has a crush on J.T.  Liberty’s unrequited crush was one of the show’s early storyline and, to be honest, it was frequently one of the more annoying storylines.  Liberty was always a rather flat character and she and J.T. never really made much sense as a couple.  (Yes, they did eventually become a couple.)  Of course, watching this episode today, all I can think about is the fact that, in the far future, J.T. is going to die in Liberty’s arms after being stabbed in the back by a student from a rival high school.  Much as with Degrassi High, knowing what the future holds adds a layer of poignance to these early episodes that they otherwise wouldn’t have.

As for this episode, J.T. tries to get Liberty to leave him alone by pretending to be gay.  He gets this idea after Toby informs him that Ashley’s father, the dashing Robert Kerwin (Andrew Gillies), has come out of the closet.

The majority of this episode deals with Ashley struggling to accept that her father is gay.  Again, this is another storyline that becomes far more poignant if you already know that Robert is eventually going to marry his partner Christopher and Ashley’s boyfriend is going to have a mental breakdown at the wedding.

This episode actually did a very good job of realistically portraying Ashley’s initial reaction to learning that her father’s gay.  Ashley is confused and, as she was still hoping that her parents would eventually get back together, she feels betrayed.  It’s an honest reaction and probably not the sort of thing you would ever see on television today, where our idealized protagonists almost always have the right response from the start.  The fact that the show deals honestly with Ashley’s emotions makes her eventual acceptance of her father’s sexuality all the more poignant.

This episode deals very sensitively deals with Robert’s coming out and Andrew Gillies and Melissa McIntyre both deserve a lot of credit for their performances.  (Remember, this episode aired in 2002, at a time when gay characters were almost always portrayed as either being comedy relief or helpless victims.)  I do have to admit that there is one rather clunky line in this episode.  It comes when Ashley asks Robert if he has a boyfriend and Robert tells her about his partner, Christopher.  Ashley’s next line (and Melissa McIntyre’s overdramatic delivery of it) always makes me laugh despite myself:

Aside from that line and all of the cringey stuff involving J.T. and Liberty (and, admittedly, that is a lot to overlook), this was a sensitive and well-handled episode.

October Hacks: Popeye The Slayer Man (dir by Robert Michael Ryan)


“You’re a monster!” a terrified woman shouts at the hulking, murderous figure who haunts the local abandoned cannery.

“I yam what I yam,” the Sailor Man (Jason Robert Stephens) replies before presumably killing her in some grotesque way.

The Sailor Man haunts the cannery.  Some believe him to be a ghost be actually, he’s just a former sailor who has been mutated after eating too much contaminated spinach.  Now, he is freakishly strong and can literally rip people into pieces with his hands.  Running into the Sailor Man means that you will soon be seeing disconnected limbs, compound fractures, and split open heads.  The Sailor Man’s motives aren’t always easy to figure out but, if you smell the burning of his pipe, you should probably run.  With those gigantic arms and his permanent sour expression, the Sailor Man can pretty much do whatever he feels like doing.  Shooting him or stabbing him won’t stop him.  He’s hooked on the spinach.

Popeye The Slayer Man is one of three Popeye-themed slasher movies to be released in the wake of Popeye moving into the public domain.  In this one, Dexter (Sean Michael Conway), a film student, decides that he wants to make a documentary about the Sailor Man legend so he and his friends break into the cannery.  Almost everyone is killed in a bloody way and it’s hard not to notice that no one seems to be that upset about it.  Dexter comes across the dead body of someone who was previously described as being his best friend since the Second Grade and he barely seems to care.  Instead, he just lifts up his camera and films.  I’m tempted to think that this was meant to be a satire on the callousness of aspiring documentarians but I might be giving the film too much credit.  Who knows?

Obviously, you can’t take a film like this too seriously.  In almost every room in the cannery, there’s at least a handful of empty spinach tins.  To be honest, I actually think the film didn’t go far enough.  Sure, Popeye’s killing people and there’s a character named Olivia (Elena Juliano) but where’s Bluto?  Popeye is presented as a largely silent killer which, again, seems like a missed opportunity.  Popeye is also presented as being rather random in his kills.  He allows one person to survive for reasons that are incredibly unclear, beyond the fact that I guess the filmmakers felt that the character in question was too sympathetic to suffer the same bloody death as nearly everyone else in the film.

Other than the killer being Popeye, this is pretty much a standard low-budget slasher.  I will admit that I kind of appreciated that is was pretty straight-forward about its intentions.  Unlike a lot of recent slasher films, it never came across as if it was apologizing for being what it was and there’s definitely something to be said for that.  The film embraces the philosophy of “I yam what I yam.”  The Sailor Man would be proud.

Horror on TV: Hammer House Of Horror #4: Growing Pains (dir by Francis Megahy)


In the fourth episode of Hammer House of Horror, Gary Bond plays a scientist whose son dies after eating some toxic proteins that just happened to be lying around the lab.  The scientist’s wife (Barbara Kellerman) goes down to the local orphanage to collect a new son but this new kid turns out to be more than a little creepy.

This bizarre episode originally aired, in the UK, on October 4th, 1980.  A quick warning: This episode does feature some dead rabbits.  I like rabbits so that bothered me a bit, even though it made sense in the context of the story.