Lisa Rinna | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001. The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, Mitch rescues a dog and Shauni and Eddie rescue an outsider.

Episode 2.8 “Thin or Die”

(Dir by Douglas Schwartz, originally aired on November 4th, 1991)

Mitch rescues an adorable dog that is swimming in the middle of the ocean! Awwww!

The dog is so cute! But Mitch has a date that night and the dog seems to be determined to ruin it. Can Mitch adopt the dog? Actually, didn’t Mitch already adopt a dog? Didn’t almost this exact same thing happen during the first season? Seriously, whatever happened to the first dog!?

Fortunately, the dog helps Mitch track down its owner. It turns out that she’s being held hostage on her own boat. This, of course, allows for a minor action sequence. One thing that I always find interesting about Baywatch is that the lifeguards were apparently also cops. Garner Ellerbee may have been actual badge-carrying cop but he still didn’t do anything without asking a lifeguard to accompany him.

While Mitch is dealing with the dog situation, Eddie and Shauni are having relationship issues. When Shauni claims that she and Eddie don’t have anything in common, Eddie decides to ask out Nicole, the woman who works at his message service. (Apparently, message services were an early 90s thing.) Eddie has never met Nicole. He just knows that he digs her sultry voice and apparently, he’s sick of Shauni always yelling at him. Hey, remember when Eddie and Shauni got engaged? The show just kind of forgot about that.

Nicole (Melinda Reimer) shows up on the beach and she’s fat! I don’t include the exclamation mark to be cruel. I include it because that’s how the show presents her weight issue. Not only is Eddie kind of cheating on Shauni but he’s also doing it with a fat girl! Feeling insecure on the beach, Nicole later tries to walk into the ocean. Can Eddie and Shauni help her realize that she shouldn’t give up hope? Of course, they can! That said, it’s pretty safe to say that Nicole will never show up on another episode of Baywatch. You do have to feel a bit sorry for actress Melinda Reimer, who gives about as good a performance as anyone could with a Baywatch script. That said, the show definitely makes clear that the main lesson is that you should never judge anyone solely by their voice. Because they might be fat.

This episode was basically two half-baked stories mashed together. Yes, there was the hostage situation. And there was Nicole’s weight problem. But despite all of that, there really wasn’t any drama. Everything played out a low-key, laid-back pace. This was an episode that understood the assignment: Come up with just enough of a story to justify your existence but mostly just feature hot people on the beach.

Uh-oh, Hydra is up to something!

If you don’t know who Hydra is, they’re an international group of villainous superspies. The organization was founded by a Nazi war criminal named Baron Von Strucker and they’re always trying to take over the world or destroy it. Hydra hasn’t had much success on either front but it’s not for lack of trying. Fortunately, there’s another super secret organization that’s been founded to keep Hydra from reaching their goals. The name of this organization is S.H.I.E.L.D. and they are headquartered in a big flying helicarrier thing. So, if you work for S.H.I.E.L.D., you not only get to save the world but you also have a hell of a work commute.

Anyway, Hydra’s latest plan is to steal the body of their founder and somehow not only bring him back to life but to also spread a deadly virus across the world. S.H.I.E.L.D. knows that it’s going to take the world’s greatest secret agent to defeat this plot but, unfortunately, Nick Fury (David Hasselhoff) is retired and living in an abandoned mine shaft in the Yukon. Nick wears an eye patch, smokes a cigar, and speaks in a permanently annoyed tone of voice. Nick’s done with saving the world. Or, at least, that’s what he thinks. When S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Valentina Allegra de Fontaine (Lina Rinna) informs him that Hydra killed an old friend of his while stealing the Baron’s body, Nick emerges from the Yukon in search of revenge!

Long before Samuel L. Jackson donned the iconic eye patch and brought Nick Fury to life as one of the mainstays of the MCU, David Hasselhoff played the character in this made-for-TV movie from 1998. The movie was meant to serve as the pilot for a Nick Fury television series. (Hasselhoff, by this point, was looking to move on from Baywatch.) Of course, it wasn’t picked up and today, whenever this early Marvel film is mentioned, it’s usually in a somewhat dismissive manner.

And, believe me, I can understand that instinct to preemptively dismiss Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. I mean, it’s David Hasselhoff and its from the 90s and it was made for TV. I get it. But, having watched the movie on Saturday night, I have to say that it’s actually not that bad. It’s low budget. It’s campy. It’s thoroughly silly. The film is full of actors giving uncertain line readings. And yet, it’s also fast-paced and, when taken on its own admittedly “special” terms, rather entertaining. In the role of Nick Fury, Hasselhoff plays the role with just enough self-awareness to indicate that he’s in on the joke. He delivers his lines with just the right amount of deadpan humor and he chews on that cigar as if the fate of the world depends upon it. In short, as opposed to almost everyone else in the film, Hasselhoff appears to be having a good time. In fact, one could argue that David Hasselhoff is a good Nick Fury for the same reason that Samuel L. Jackson is a good Nick Fury. Both of them play the character as if he’s someone who secretly realizes that he’s a character in a comic book film and who is determined to have as much fun with the role as he can.

The film’s plot does occasionally border on being incoherent but, honestly, who cares? Are you really watching a film like this for the plot? There’s a lot of explosions and one-liners. Hasselhoff has fun with the lead role, as does Sandra Hess in the role of Strucker’s daughter. It’s a dumb but entertaining. It’s also only 90 minutes long so it’s not like you’re having to sacrifice a major part of your life to watch it. Explosions and a short running time, who can complain about that?