Tag Archives: Hank Stone

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 2.8 “Thin Or Die”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, Mitch rescues a dog and Shauni and Eddie rescue an outsider.

Episode 2.8 “Thin or Die”

(Dir by Douglas Schwartz, originally aired on November 4th, 1991)

Mitch rescues an adorable dog that is swimming in the middle of the ocean!  Awwww!

The dog is so cute!  But Mitch has a date that night and the dog seems to be determined to ruin it.  Can Mitch adopt the dog?  Actually, didn’t Mitch already adopt a dog?  Didn’t almost this exact same thing happen during the first season?  Seriously, whatever happened to the first dog!?

Fortunately, the dog helps Mitch track down its owner.  It turns out that she’s being held hostage on her own boat.  This, of course, allows for a minor action sequence.  One thing that I always find interesting about Baywatch is that the lifeguards were apparently also cops.  Garner Ellerbee may have been actual badge-carrying cop but he still didn’t do anything without asking a lifeguard to accompany him.

While Mitch is dealing with the dog situation, Eddie and Shauni are having relationship issues.  When Shauni claims that she and Eddie don’t have anything in common, Eddie decides to ask out Nicole, the woman who works at his message service.  (Apparently, message services were an early 90s thing.)  Eddie has never met Nicole.  He just knows that he digs her sultry voice and apparently, he’s sick of Shauni always yelling at him.  Hey, remember when Eddie and Shauni got engaged?  The show just kind of forgot about that.

Nicole (Melinda Reimer) shows up on the beach and she’s fat!  I don’t include the exclamation mark to be cruel.  I include it because that’s how the show presents her weight issue.  Not only is Eddie kind of cheating on Shauni but he’s also doing it with a fat girl!  Feeling insecure on the beach, Nicole later tries to walk into the ocean.  Can Eddie and Shauni help her realize that she shouldn’t give up hope?  Of course, they can!  That said, it’s pretty safe to say that Nicole will never show up on another episode of Baywatch.  You do have to feel a bit sorry for actress Melinda Reimer, who gives about as good a performance as anyone could with a Baywatch script.  That said, the show definitely makes clear that the main lesson is that you should never judge anyone solely by their voice.  Because they might be fat.

This episode was basically two half-baked stories mashed together.  Yes, there was the hostage situation.  And there was Nicole’s weight problem.  But despite all of that, there really wasn’t any drama.  Everything played out a low-key, laid-back pace.  This was an episode that understood the assignment: Come up with just enough of a story to justify your existence but mostly just feature hot people on the beach.

Jury Duty (1990, directed by Michael Schultz)

Posted on by Jedadiah Leland

Meek-looking accountant Sanford Lagelfost (Bronson Pinchot) is on trial for embezzlement.  It’s supposed to be a simple, up-and-shut case but when the beautiful star witness (Tracy Scoggins) testifies that Sanford is an amazing lover, it becomes a tabloid sensation and the jurors are sequestered in a hotel, where they have to deal with their own restlessness and several distractions, the majority of whom are also played by Bronson Pinchot.  Pinchot plays a total of four characters but it’s not like he’s Peter Sellers or even Eddie Murphy.  He looks and sounds like Bronson Pinchot in every role.

The jurors are played by a bunch of a familiar television actors.  Alan Thicke plays a yuppie named Phil and Lynn Redgrave plays a hippie named Abby and they end up getting married.  Stephen Baldwin is the waiter who falls for Heather Locklear, an actress who is a former call girl who is being threatened by her pimp.  Madchen Amick is the spoiled rich girl.  Television mainstays Mark Blankfield, Ilene Graf, William G. Schilling, Danny Pintauro, and Bill Kirchenbauer are all present and accounted for.  Adding to the overall sitcom feel of the movie is the presence of Reginald VelJohnson as the judge.  No one in the cast tries very hard, though I do think a case can be made that Madchen Amick was the most beautiful woman on television in 1990.

With the film failing to achieve either a consistent tone or a single laugh, the best thing that I can say about Jury Duty is that it didn’t feature Pauly Shore.  Instead it featured Alan Thicke driving a BMW with a license plate that read, “BMW4Phil.”  It’s hard to believe that this film was directed by Michael Schultz, who was responsible for movies like Car Wash, Cooley High, and Greased Lightning in the 70s and Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon in the 80s.

I wish I had watched The Last Dragon instead.

Death Warrant (1990, directed by Deran Sarafian)

Posted on by Jedadiah Leland

A series of murders have occurred at Harrison State Prison in California.  What better way to investigate the crimes and catch the guilty than to send in an undercover cop?  Who can enter a California prison and investigate the crime without drawing too much attention to himself?  It would have to be someone who could blend in with the population without seeming out of place.

How about Jean-Claude Van Damme?

Van Damme, in one of his early films, stars as Louis Burke, a Canadian with a Belgian accent who comes to Los Angeles to track down a serial killer known as the Sandman (Patrick Kilpatrick, who was last seen running for governor of California in 2021) and then just sticks around.  Burke enters the prison and somehow, he is not immediately tagged as being a B-movie star who is working for the police.  I guess California prisons are full of Belgian kickboxers.

A realistic portrait of prison and police work, this is not.  But it is Van Damme at his most berserk, flexing his muscles and shouting at his enemies and getting hit in the head by a flying wrench at one point.  To the surprise of no one, the Sandman eventually ends up in the prison with Burke and it leads to an epic showdown that takes place in the middle of a prison riot.  The fight is exciting because Van Damme and Kilpatrick were two tough actors who, at that point in their careers, had nothing to lose by going all out on screen.

(Of the three major B-action stars of the 90s, Dolph Lundgren was the one you watched because he could actually act.  Steven Seagal was the one you watched because you hoped someone would beat him up.  Jean-Claude Van Damme was the one you watched because he could actually do everything he did in the movies in real life as well.)

There are many good actors to be found in Death Warrant, playing paper-thin characters.  Robert Guillaume is the one-eyed clerk who takes Burke under his wing.  Larry Hankin is the biggest weasel in the prison.  Art LaFleuer is the prison guard from Hell.  George Dickerson is the obviously corrupt official.  Abdul Salaam El-Razzac is the voodoo priest who watches over the prison.  Cynthia Gibb is the attorney who pays Burke a conjugal visit.  It’s good to see them all.

Death Warrant is a dumb and entertaining B-movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously.  It’s not Van Damme’s best but it’s not his worst either.  It’s Damme fun.