Late Night Retro Television Review: Sledge Hammer1 1.10 “If I Had A Little Hammer”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing SLEDGE HAMMER!, a cop comedy which ran on ABC from 1986 to 1988. The entire series can be found on Prime!

Sledge Hammer says to trust him.  Does that mean he’ll be able to find a bunch of missing babies?

Episode 1.10 “If I Had A Little Hammer”

(Dir by Kim Manners, originally aired on November 29th, 1986)

Someone has abducted all of the newborn babies from the local hospital.  Captain Trunk suspects that the babies are going to be sold to couples looking to adopt.  “You mean like a mom and pop operation?” Hammer asks.  Doreau asks to be assigned to the case and Trunk reluctantly agrees.  He has full faith in Doreau.  It’s her partner that worries him.

Most of the humor in this episode comes from the fact that Hammer doesn’t like babies.  The reason why the humor works is because Hammer never changes his mind.  Hammer dislikes babies just as much at the end of the episode as he did at the start.  It provided a nice contrast to not only every other character on the show but also to what we usually expect from television shows.

(Personally, I love babies but I get tired of seeing them in commercials where the whole joke is that they need their diapers changed.)

The babynappers are a brother/sister team.  Brion James plays the brother and it was nice to see that he could handle comedy just as well as drama.  He fit right in with the Sledge Hammer universe.  The big confrontation between him and Sledge Hammer took place inside the warehouse of baby products supplier.  Hey, it made laugh!

This was perhaps the most wholesome show about kidnapping and illegal adoption that I’ve ever seen.

Bonus Horror On TV: In Search Of…. The Siberian Fireball


What was the Siberian fireball?

One of the more intriguing mysteries of history is investigated in this episode of In Search Of….  Leonard Nimoy narrates!

(It’s always strange to me that there hasn’t been hundreds of movies made about the Tunguska event.  I know that the current popular theory is that it was a comet or, at the very least, a really big asteroid.  Personally, I like the theory that it was Nikolai Tesla testing out a death ray.)

 

Horror On TV: FreakyLinks 1.5 “Desert Squid! Myth or Legend?” (dir by Scott Lautanen)


On tonight’s episode of FreakyLinks, Derek and the team head down to New Mexico to investigate reports of a tentacle-bearing desert creature!  If not for the tentacles, I would say it was probably a chupacabra. Seriously, if you ever see a chupacabra coming at you, run!

This episode originally aired on November 3rd, 2000!

Enjoy!

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 4.15 “Family Feud”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Daily Motion.

This week, Bobby Caldwell returns.

Episode 4.15 “Family Feud”

(Dir by Mark Tinker, originally aired on January 29th, 1986)

After being gone for the last few episodes, Bobby Caldwell (Mark Harmon) returns to St. Eligius. As he explains it, he’s spent the last month or so with his family in Baltimore. He worked on his family’s farm and got in touch with what actually matters in life. Westphall is so happy to hear this that he immediately starts talking about the time he spent volunteering in Ethiopia.

Caldwell is ready to get his facial scar taken care of. He meets with an old colleague from medical school, Dr. Duncan Harper (Kip Gilman). Harper says that the operation should be simple and quick and then Caldwell will be ready to hit the bars again. As a precaution, Caldwell gives blood, just in case it’s needed during the surgery.

Later, a shaken Harper comes to St. Eligius and meets privately with Caldwell. Harper says that the lab did some standard tests on Caldwell’s blood and that it appears that Caldwell might have AIDS. Caldwell says there has to be some sort of mistake, but Harper shakes his head. Harper retested the blood himself. He asks if Caldwell has any lesions. Caldwell looks down at a spot on his hand and says, “I thought it was just an infection.”

Caldwell tells Westphall about his diagnosis. Westphall tells Caldwell not to give up hope, that a cure might be right around the corner. Caldwell replies that he’s probably got 15 months to live and he’s not going to stop working. After Caldwell leaves, Westphall meets with Auschlander and they both agree that they have no idea what to do.

Meanwhile, it’s Jack Morrison’s birthday! Clancy arranges for him to have a birthday party in the doctor’s lounge. She also continues to flirt with Fiscus. You might expect Morrison to be upset about that, but Morrison is too busy flirting with Mona, Fiscus’s ex! Yeah, we’ll see how that works out….

Finally, Augusta Endicott previously told Dr. Craig that she didn’t want to have a bypass, even if it meant that she would die otherwise. However, when the entire Endicott family comes to visit her, she changes her mind. (During the operation, Dr. Wade comments that Dr. Craig must really be looking forward to the next Endicott presidential campaign. Craig snorts and says that the Endicotts are a bunch of bleeding-heart liberals and he wouldn’t vote for them in a million years.  I love Dr. Craig.) Sen. Gordon Endicott (Charles Cioffi) goes to the chapel to pray and ends up getting shot by a lone gunman.

Gee, who saw that coming?

The Endicotts continue to bore me. They’re just not that interesting as either characters or as thinly-veiled stand-ins for the Kennedy family. On the other hand, Bobby Caldwell’s storyline was powerful and Mark Harmon gave an especially good performance. (I just wish the show had made it clear that AIDS wasn’t meant to be some sort of narrative punishment for Caldwell’s previous bad behavior.) It will be interesting to see how the hospital deals with Caldwell’s diagnosis. Will he actually be allowed to continue to do his job? We’ll find out next week.

Horror Miniseries Review: Crystal Lake (dir by Michael Lennox, Celine Held, and Quyen Tran)


Crystal Lake is a thousand times better than Carrie.

Whoops. Did I say a thousand? I meant to say a million.

I say this despite the fact that Crystal Lake pretty much falls apart during its final two episodes. If the first six episodes constitute an enjoyable and, at times, even loving homage to the Friday the 13th films, the final two episodes go off the rails by giving Jason Voorhees, the epitome of an old-school slasher villain and the symbol of unelevated horror, a very 21st-century, American Horror Story-style origin story. It’s a thoroughly unnecessary addition to the Jason saga, one that exists to plug the plot holes that most Friday the 13th fans have always been happy to ignore. It’s just as bad as Jason Goes to Hell’s insistence that Jason was actually a space slug who could possess people. Personally, I think that we should do what true Friday the 13th fans always do whenever we come across something that doesn’t work and just ignore it.

Even taking that into account, Crystal Lake is still infinitely better than Carrie.

The difference between Crystal Lake and Carrie is that Crystal Lake isn’t trying to be something that it isn’t. Crystal Lake isn’t ashamed of being a pulpy, sordid, and rather bloody horror miniseries. Carrie was made to win Emmys and critical plaudits. Crystal Lake was made to make you put your hands over your eyes whenever Pamela Voorhees (Linda Cardellini) hacks someone’s face off. Crystal Lake fully embraces the horror. Crystal Lake obviously loves the Friday the 13th films, with all of their flaws. Carrie is a series made by and for people who think that they’re better than the horror genre. Crystal Lake is not.

Crystal Lake serves as a prequel to the first Friday the 13th film. Pamela Voorhees is the cook at Camp Crystal Lake and, in the first episode, her son, Jason, disappears while swimming. The camp counselors who were supposed to be watching him were making love. Pamela snaps. She refuses to accept that her son has drowned. She watches angrily as the town moves on. When she hears that the Christys are going to reopen the camp, she is not pleased. That said, she’s snapped long before that. Unlike Carrie, which went out of its way to absolve the character of any sort of responsibility, Crystal Lake does not shy away from presenting Pamela as an unhinged killer. She kills two mysterious men who show up at her house. She kills the abusive mother of Grace (Gwendolyn Sundstrom), who was Jason’s only friend at camp. When a group of Marxist hippies show up and try to convince the now-orphaned Grace to run away with them, Pamela goes after them as well. Pamela kills a lot of people in this miniseries, but she remains a compelling character because of Linda Cardellini’s wonderful performance in the lead role. Her love for Jason is real, and it’s easy to understand why she would feel such rage at a town that is pretending he didn’t exist or why she would have no sympathy for a mother who abuses her child. Cardellini gives such a strong performance that it’s disappointing that the final two episodes let the series down.

As someone who has seen all of the Friday the 13th films, I appreciated how carefully and exactly Crystal Lake recreated the feel and the visuals of the first two entries. Its version of Crystal Lake looks identical to the one that poor Annie discovered during the first film. Even the minor characters are made up to almost exactly resemble the actors who played them in the first film. I immediately knew who was supposed to be Enos. I knew who was supposed to be the waitress with whom Steve Christy would eventually share one of his final conversations. (Steve Christy is seen a few times in Crystal Lake, as a very ’70s teenager.) A wonderful actor named Nick Cordileone played the role of “Crazy” Ralph and, whenever he was on screen, I could immediately see him becoming the character that Walt Gorney played in the first two films. A lot of love and care went into recreating the town of Crystal Lake and the camp. The series does, admittedly, move things up chronologically. In the first film, Jason disappeared in the ’50s. In the series, it happens in the ’70s. That’s no big deal, though. The show has a lot of fun both recreating the ’70s and poking fun at the decade’s unique culture. One need only watch the scene where Pam is dragged to a seminar given by a self-consciously hip self-help guru to understand why the decade gave rise to the unapologetically cynical slasher boom of the ’80s.

Now again, the Jason origin story that is presented in the seventh episode is a problem. And if Crystal Lake returns for a second season, I sincerely hope that it will be ignored in much the same way that the franchise has traditionally ignored its mistakes. If it doesn’t, it’s not going to bode will for the future of this series. Still, flaws and all, Crystal Lake is an enjoyably sordid and bloody show. It makes no apologies for being what it is. Other horror shows could stand to learn from it.

Bonus Horror On The Lens: Not Of This Earth (dir by Roger Corman)


 

Today, we have a bonus horror on the Lens, the 1957 Roger Corman-directed, sci-fi “epic,” Not of this Earth.

Paul Johnson (Paul Birch) may seems like a strange character, with his stilted way of speaking and his sunglasses and his overdramatic reaction to any and all loud noises.  Paul could us be an eccentric.  Or, he could be …. NOT OF THIS EARTH!  Actually, his habit of draining people of their blood and sending weird, umbrella-like creatures out to attack his enemies would seem to suggest that the latter is probably true.

Listen, it’s not easy being a blood-sucking alien.  I mean, sure, there’s always seems to be people stupid enough to show up at your mansion so that you can drain their bodies.  Paul is lucky that he doesn’t exactly seem to be surrounded by brain surgeons.  But sometimes, things happen.  For instance, someone might show up from your home planet and demand an immediate transfusion!  What is an alien to do?

Watch this low-budget but undeniably entertaining film to find out!  And be sure to especially keep an eye out for the great Dick Miller, who reportedly improvised his role as a vacuum cleaner salesman.  (Before going into acting, Miller actually did sell vacuum cleaners door-to-door.)

 

Horror On The Lens: The Terror (dir by Roger Corman, et al)


 

Today, we’ve got a treat!

Who wouldn’t love to see a movie where a youngish Jack Nicholson played a French soldier who, while searching for a mysterious woman, comes across a castle that’s inhabited by both Dick Miller and Boris Karloff?

In Roger Corman’s 1963 film The Terror, New Jersey-accented Jack Nicholson is the least believable 19th century French soldier ever.  However, it’s still interesting to watch him before he became a cinematic icon.  His performance here is rather earnest, with little of the sarcasm that would later become his trademark.  Boris Karloff is, as usual, great and familiar Corman actor Dick Miller gets a much larger role than usual.  Pay attention to the actress playing the mysterious woman.  That’s Sandra Knight who, at the time of filming, was married to Jack Nicholson.

Reportedly, The Terror was one of those films that Corman made because he still had the sets from his much more acclaimed film version of The Raven.  The script was never finished, the story was made up as filming moved alone, and no less than five directors shot different parts of this 81 minute movie.  Boris Karloff’s scenes were filmed first, with the other actors performing in front of a body double during their scenes.  Among the many directors who filmed bits and pieces of The Terror: Roger Corman, Jack Hill, Monte Hellman, Francis Ford Coppola, Coppola’s roommate Dennis Jakob, and even Jack Nicholson himself!  (Despite this number of directors involved, Corman received the sole directorial credit.)  Perhaps not surprisingly, the final film is a total mess but it does have a definite historical value.

(In typical Corman fashion, scenes from The Terror were later used in the 1968 film, Targets.  In that film, Karloff plays a version of himself, an aging horror actor who watches The Terror and dismisses it as being “terrible.”)

Check out The Terror below!

Live Tweet Alert: Join #FridayNightFlix for Indiana Jones And The Temple of Doom!


 

As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly watch parties.  On Twitter, I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday and I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday.  On Mastodon, I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, at 10 pm et, I will be hosting #FridayNightFlix!  Join us for Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom!

If you want to join us this Friday, just hop onto twitter, find Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom on Prime, start the movie at 10 pm et, and use the #FridayNightFlix hashtag!  I’ll be there happily tweeting.  It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

See you there!

 

 

Horror Song of the Day: Profondo Rosso by Goblin


Today’s horror song of the day comes from Dario Argento’s Deep Red!

Deep Red features the first collaboration between Argento and Goblin and the score remains a classic and one that I listen to every October.

Here’s Goblin performing Profondo Rosso on Italian television in 1975.

Horror Scenes That I Love: Godzilla vs. Megalon


For today’s Horror Scene That I Love, let’s take a minute or two to show some respect to one of the world’s greatest (and longest-lived) film stars, Godzilla!  Whether he’s attacking humanity as the literal representation of atomic age anxiety or if he’s saving Earth from a bunch of aliens, Godzilla has always been a superstar.

In this scene from 1973’s Godzilla vs. Megalon, Godzilla shows just how much of a star he is by taking a stand against bullying and saving his friend, Jet Jaguar.  In this scene, Godzilla shows that he was an anti-bullying activist even before it was cool.  Megalon and his friend thought they could just taunt poor old Jet Jaguar.  Not as long as Godzilla’s around!