The Things You Find On Netflix: Eli (dir by Ciaran Foy)


Eli (Charlie Shotwell) is a young boy who is allergic to everything outside.  As a result, he can’t venture out of the house unless he’s covered, head-to-toe, in protective gear.  Eli wasn’t always allergic, of course.  It’s just something that suddenly started.  Eli’s mother, Rose (Kelly Reilly) and her husband, Paul (Max Martini), are taking him to a special clinic run by Dr. Isabella Horn (Lili Taylor).  Because the clinic is sealed off from the outside, Eli can leave his plastic bubble.  Because the clinic is in a dark old building, we know that it’s either going to be haunted or run by some sort of cult.  In fact, it doesn’t take long before Eli is doubting not only Dr. Horn but his parents as well!  He keeps hearing voices that hiss, “Lie.”  And the only other patient at the clinic, a young girl named Haley (Sadie Sink), repeatedly tells him to be careful….

Eli is 98 minutes long and I lost interest after the first ten.  Basically, I was willing to give the film a chance but then a bunch of rednecks started to taunt Eli while he was walking around outside in his protective gear and I was like, “Yeah, okay.” Then they started throwing stuff at him and I was like, “Getting a little bit heavy-handed now.”  Then the suit got torn and Eli started screaming like he was about to die and the rednecks just stood there laughing and that’s when I said, “Okay, this is going to suck.”  There’s heavy-handed and then there’s just attacking your audience with a sledgehammer.  Sledgehammers give you a migraine.

Once Eli reaches the clinic, the film slows down to a glacial pace.  In theory, the slow pace should have helped to maintain an ominous atmosphere but …. eh.  To be honest, I’ve seen a lot of creepy clinics in a lot of creepy movies and there was nothing that special about this one.  It all leads to a big twist but, again, it wasn’t a particularly original twist and even the film’s attempt to blow my mind with a subversive ending just left me shrugging.  “Really?” I thought, “That’s what’s going to happen, huh?  Well, what can you do?”

Like a lot of bad movies, the script for Eli was included on the infamous Hollywood Black List.  The Black List is an annual list of the “best” unproduced screenplays in Hollywood.  A few good films have been made out of scripts on the Black List but, for whatever, the majority of Black List films always seem to turn out to be somewhat disappointing.  Broken City, for instance, was a Black List film.  So was The Beaver.  You can add Eli to the pile of mediocre Black List films.

Music Video of the Day: Shia LaBeouf by Rob Cantor (2014, dir by Scott Uhlfelder)


Did you know that Shia LaBeouf was an actual cannibal?

Well, after watching this video, you do now!  And I know that the song claims that Shia LaBeouf has been defeated but you know the first rule of horror.  Shia LaBeouf is never totally gone.

Actually, I should take this time to point out that, despite his somewhat obnoxious public persona, Shia LaBeouf has given some surprisingly good performances over the years.  It’s easy to make fun of him for doing that whole 24-hour Come-Yell-At-Trump webcam thing a few years ago but, at the same time, he was pretty good in American Honey and The Peanut Butter Falcon.

And, even more importantly, he’s a good enough sport to show up here, applauding his decapitation.  Trust me when I say that Sean Penn would not do the same.

Enjoy!

Horror On TV: The Great Bear Scare (dir by Hal Mason)


I came across this old cartoon on YouTube.  Apparently, it aired in October of 1983.

It’s about bears living in Bearbank.  Halloween is approaching and they’re worried about getting invaded by the monsters who live on Monster Mountain.  Well, that makes sense.  My question is why would you buy a house near a location called Monster Mountain?  And really, shouldn’t the monsters be in the houses and the bears in the mountains?  This cartoon is weird.

Anyway, the bears are getting ready to feel the city but little Ted E. Bear sets out to confront his fears!  Woo hoo!

I don’t know.  It’s from 1983.  That was a strange year, I guess.

Enjoy!

AMV Of The Day: I’m Not A Vampire (Soul Eater)


With Halloween rapidly approaching, it’s time for another AMV!

Anime: Soul Eater

Song: I’m Not Vampire by Falling In Reverse

Creator: VilaDeath

Past AMVs of the Day

Horror Book Review: Save The Last Dance For Me by Judi Miller


The 1981 novel, Save The Last Dance For Me, is another book that I found in my aunt’s paperback collection.  I have to admit that I got really excited when I found it.  This is a book that I had wanted to read ever since I came across the cover in Paperbacks From Hell.

Jennifer is blonde, beautiful, young, and ambitious.  She’s a driven dancer who is totally obsessed with becoming a soloist for one of New York’s best dance companies.  She’s got an older boyfriend, of course.  He’s a podiatrist who hopes that Jennifer will abandon her dreams and marry him.  Jennifer, however, is not so eager to settle down for a boring domestic life.

Max is a pianist who was raised by a narcissistic alcoholic who continually pressured her young son to learn ballet.  Neither Max nor his mother may have had much of a career as a dancer but that hasn’t stopped him from dreaming and obsessing.  Max has a basement and a bathroom that is full of ballet slippers.

Together …. THEY SOLVE CRIMES!

No, sorry.  (I know, I know.  I use that joke a lot but what can I say?  It amuses me.)  Instead, they have a drunken sexual tryst after Jennifer has an argument with her boyfriend and this leads to Jennifer not only getting locked in the basement but also being forced to eat a totally disgusting hamburger!  (EEEEEK!)  Max demands that Jennifer learn a terrible solo and he demands that she practice and practice it until she collapses.  It turns out to all be an elaborate revenge scheme, with a hint of Phantom of the Opera tossed in.  (It’s perhaps not a coincidence that Judi Miller also wrote a book called Phantom of the Soap Opera.)

There’s actually quite a bit going on in Save The Last Dance For Me.  This is a very plot-heavy book.  It’s full of bitchy and duplicitous characters, all of whom have their own agendas.  It also turn out that Max has been killing ballerinas for years.  The two detectives who are investigating the murders have to deal with a lot of pervy suspects, all of whom have their own fetishes when it comes to dancers.  As someone who grew up dancing, I can tell you that, in its hyper and melodramatic way, this book gets a lot of things right.

Anyway, not surprisingly, I really loved this book.  This was one of the most wonderfully trashy books that I’ve ever read, full of twists and subplots and red herrings and even a memorably overdone sex scene.  Basically, imagine the most melodramatic and sordid Lifetime movie ever but in book form.  In fact, I’m actually kind of surprised that Lifetime hasn’t ever made a movie out of this book.  I mean, if they can turn V.C. Andrews novel into an “event,” why not Save The Last Dance For Me?  Get on it, Lifetime!

International Horror Film Review: The Living Skeleton (dir by Hiroshi Matsuno)


This 1968 Japanese horror film opens with a scene of shocking brutality.

A group of pirates, led by a horribly scarred man wearing reflective glasses, have commandeered a ship.  While the crew and the passengers beg for mercy, the pirates ruthlessly and efficiently gun them down.  A newlywed (Kikko Matsuoka) is assaulted while her husband watches.  Afterwards, both of them are murdered.  The dead are dumped overboard and the pirates proceed to move on with their lives.

Three years later, neither the ship nor the dead have ever been recovered.  The sister of the murdered newlywed, Saeko (also played by Matsuoka), has been taken in by a friendly priest (Masumi Okada).  As we discover, the pirates have all returned to their day-to-day lives in the seaside village, with the only indication of their past evil being the violent flashbacks that appear whenever one of them shows up on screen.  Almost all of the pirates appear to have returned to the village, everyone but their scarred leader.  What has happened to him and how could a man with such an unforgettable face have simply vanished?  The pirates aren’t sure but then again, does it matter?  They’ve gotten away with their crime.  Everyone thinks that the ship was lost at sea.

However, one day, Saeko and her boyfriend go scuba diving.  As they explore the undersea world, they come across hundreds of skeleton, all chained together.  That night, a ghostly ship appears out on the ocean and Saeko hears a voice calling for her.  The priest counsels Saeko not to obsess over the skeletons and not to fall prey to the temptation of vengeance, but that’s far easier said than done.

Meanwhile, the pirates start to die, one-by-one….

The Living Skeleton is an austere and haunting ghost story.  Though the story may be a bit conventional (especially when compared to the other Japanese ghost story that I’ve reviewed this October), the film is so full of grim atmosphere and portents of ominous doom that it doesn’t matter.  Playing out at its own deliberate pace, this film is an effective horror story that asks whether the sins of the past can ever be forgiven.  (It turns out, not surprisingly, that they can not.)  The black-and-white cinematography adds to the film’s dream-like feel.  Long after the film ends, you’ll remember the images.  You’ll remember the suffering reflected in the lenses of the head pirate’s glasses.  You’ll remember the atmospheric shots of the lonely ocean.  You’ll remember the film’s ending, with the remaining pirates watching as their former victim descends down a flight of stair.  Unfortunately, you’ll probably also remember just how fake the underwater skeletons looked but even that, in its strange way, adds to the film’s effectiveness.  They’re such a strange sight, those pristine, clean, and neat skeletons that you can’t help but feel that they belong in the film, just as surely as the unforgettable shot of a pirate’s face being quickly dissolved by highly corrosive acid belongs in the film.

I saw this haunting ghost story on TCM.  Keep an eye out for future showings.

 

4 Shots From 4 Films: Get Out, Happy Death Day, It, The Ritual


4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

This October, we’re using 4 Shots From 4 Films to look at some of the best years that horror has to offer!

4 Shots From 4 2017 Horror Films

Get Out (2017, dir by Jordan Peele)

Happy Death Day (2017, dir by Christopher Landon)

It (2017, dir by Andy Muschietti)

The Ritual (2017, dir by David Bruckner)

Horror Film Review: Us (dir by Jordan Peele)


“They’re us,” a child says in Jordan Peele’s second film, Us.

And indeed, they are.  Us suggests that everyone has at least one doppelganger, living underground in conditions of absolutely misery and awkwardly imitating the same lives as those above ground, just without any of the rewards that those of us above-ground take for granted.  Those underground are known as the Tethered, because they’re permanently tied to those of us above ground.  Of course, what’s easily overlooked is that we’red tied to them as well.  Or, at least, we are until someone picks up a knife or a pair of scissors and violently severs the connection.

It’s probably not a coincidence that the film’s title — Us — can just as easily be read as U.S, as in the United States.  Jordan Peele may have said that he wanted Us to be a full-on horror film, as opposed to Get Out‘s mix of comedy, horror, and social commentary, but Us definitely has its political subtext, with the Tethered meant to stand in for every marginalized group that has been pushed underground by American society.  Though the film may have been inspired by an episode of The Twilight Zone, it actually has more in common with the classic British shocker, Death Line (a.k.a. Raw Meat.)  There’s not a huge amount of difference between the largely mute Tethered and the pathetic cannibal in Death Line who, after growing up in the British Underground, is capable of only telling his victims to “Mind the doors.”

If nothing else, Us proves that Jordan Peele actually is a good filmmaker with a firm grasp on how to make an effective horror movie.  Get Out was good but also, I think, a bit overpraised by mainstream critics who often seemed to not realize just how much, in their attempts to make sure that we understood just how much they loved and understood the movie, they sounded like Bradley Whitford bragging about how he would have voted for Obama a third time.  When Us came out, a lot of viewers were waiting to see if Peele’s second film could possibly live up to all the hype surrounding its director and, for the most part, it does.

Political subtext aside, this is the all-out horror film that Peele promised, full of jump scares, disturbing imagery, and just enough humor to keep things from getting too unbearably nightmarish.  (As bad as you might feel for Elisabeth Moss’s character and her family, it’s hard not to appreciate the irony of the film’s Alexa-substitute misunderstanding a command to call the police.)  Interestingly enough, the Tethered are pretty much homicidal as soon as they come above ground.  This isn’t a case where a tragic misunderstanding leads to bloodshed that could have been avoided.  No, this is a case where the Tethered have spent decades trapped and out-of-sight and they’re pissed off about it.  Just because the Tethered may be us, that doesn’t mean that they’re going to have any sympathy for us when they finally do track us down.  In the style of Wes Craven’s The Hills Have Have Eyes, Us follows a perfect family as they eventually find themselves resorting to the same violence as the Tethered, in an attempt to save not only their lives but also the lifestyle that they’ve come to take for granted.  The Tethred are us indeed.

The film is well-acted, with Lupita Nyong’o standing out as both the mother of an imperiled family and her doppelganger, who has spent years underground and who is one of the few Tethered to be able to speak.  Of course, there’s a twist at the end of the movie and I won’t ruin it here, other than to say that it’s effectively done and will actually make you reconsider everything that you’ve just seen.

Us is another triumph from Jordan Peele.  Even more importantly, it’s an undeniably effective horror film.