Horror Film Review: The Green Slime (dir by Kinji Fukasaku)


The Green Slime is here and it’s adorable!

The 1968 film, The Green Slime, is meant to be a hybrid of a horror movie and a sci-fi film.  One might even call it a forerunner to Alien if one wanted to run the risk of being ridiculed for the rest of one’s life.  It’s about an alien life form that manages to sneak into a space station.  Once it’s inside the space station, it starts to rapidly multiply and it turns out that everything that the humans do to try to stop it just causes more of the monsters to show up!

Seriously, that should be some major nightmare fuel but instead, the monsters are just too cute to believed.

Okay, maybe cute is the wrong word.  When Jeff and I watched this movie, I asked him if he could come up with a better term to describe the monsters than “cute.”  He suggested “cheap.”  And yes, the monster do look rather cheap.  It’s obvious that the monsters are made out of rubber and, half the time, their arms just seem to flail around at random.  That’s actually one of the things that makes them so cute!

It’s also one of the things that makes The Green Slime memorable.  Today, we tend to take it for granted that anything can be done via CGI so it’s interesting to see a film like this.  The Green Slime was originally released 52 years ago, long before CGI.  The special effects may look cheap but there’s an undeniable appeal to their quaintness.  The special effects are a lot like the monsters themselves.  They’re cheap.  They’re not particularly convincing.  But, in their own weird way, they’re definitely charming.

Of course, they’re not at all scary.  That’s a bit unfortunate as far as the film is concerned.  Remember how, in the Alien movies, you’re always scared to death that the alien is going to jump from out of nowhere because 1) the alien is absolutely terrifying to look at and 2) anyone caught by the alien is destined to die a terrible and agonizing death?  Well, that’s not the case with The Green Slime.  The Green Slime just kind of runs around and looks …. well, cute.

That said, The Green Slime cannot be allowed to make its way to Earth so the folks on the space station are going to have to figure out how to defeat it.  That’s not going to be easy because the two rival commanders (payed by Robert Horton and Richard Jaeckel) are currently both in love with the same woman.  Lisa Benson (Luciana Paluzzi) is the space station’s doctor and needless to say, she’s going to have her hands full.  If you’re a Bond connoisseur, you might recognize Luciana Paluzzi from Thunderball.  Myself, I was just happy that the doctor was a redhead named Lisa.  I could automatically relate to her.  Plus, there’s nothing more entertaining than hearing your name repeated over and over again.

The Green Slime was an American-Japanese co-production.  The cast is a mix of American and European actors while the film’s crew was predominantly Japanese.  Originally, The Green Slime was envisioned as being an American/Italian co-production and Antonio Margheriti was in talks to direct.  When that plan fell through, MGM moved the production to Japan and teamed up with the Toei Company.  One can only imagine what the film would have looked like if it had been directed by Marheriti.  One imagines that the aliens would have been a bit less cute.

Fortunately, cute they are!  The Green Slime fails as both a horror and sci-fi film because the aliens themselves never seem like a legitimate threat but I still like the film.  If nothing else, it pays tribute to the name Lisa and that’s definitely something that I can get behind.

Plus, the aliens are just adorable!

Horror on the Lens: The Little Shop of Horrors (dir by Roger Corman)


(It’s tradition here at the Lens that, every October, we watch the original Little Shop of Horrors.  And always, I start things off by telling this story…)

Enter singing.

Little Shop…Little Shop of Horrors…Little Shop…Little Shop of Terrors…

Hi!  Good morning and Happy October the 2nd!  For today’s plunge into the world of public domain horror films, I’d like to present you with a true classic.  From 1960, it’s the original Little Shop of Horrors!

When I was 19 years old, I was in a community theater production of the musical Little Shop of Horrors.  Though I think I would have made the perfect Audrey, everybody always snickered whenever I sang so I ended up as a part of “the ensemble.”  Being in the ensemble basically meant that I spent a lot of time dancing and showing off lots of cleavage.  And you know what?  The girl who did play Audrey was screechy, off-key, and annoying and after every show, all the old people in the audience always came back stage and ignored her and went straight over to me.  So there.

Anyway, during rehearsals, our director thought it would be so funny if we all watched the original film.  Now, I’m sorry to say, much like just about everyone else in the cast, this was my first exposure to the original and I even had to be told that the masochistic dentist patient was being played by Jack Nicholson.  However, I’m also very proud to say that — out of that entire cast — I’m the only one who understood that the zero-budget film I was watching was actually better than the big spectacle we were attempting to perform on stage.  Certainly, I understood the film better than that screechy little thing that was playing Audrey.

The first Little Shop of Horrors certainly isn’t scary and there’s nobody singing about somewhere that’s green (I always tear up when I hear that song, by the way).  However, it is a very, very funny film with the just the right amount of a dark streak to make it perfect Halloween viewing.

So, if you have 72 minutes to kill, check out the original and the best Little Shop of Horrors

AMV Of The Day: Dracula (Diabolik Lovers)


To help to continue to promote the holiday spirit, here’s an AMV of the Day.

Anime: Diabolik Lovers

Song: Dracula by Ghost Town

Creator: Amy Surname

(As always, please consider subscribing to this creator’s YouTube channel!)

Past AMVs of the Day

Horror On TV: Baywatch Nights 2.16 “Zargtha” (dir by Rick Jacobson)


Tonight on Baywatch Nights

A mythical wolf man from Eastern Europe is murdering runaways in Los Angeles.  Can David Hasselhoff and Angie Harmon save the day?

Watch to find out!

And remember … “Don’t go out at night, or the zargtha will get you!”

(Zargtha originally aired on April 5th, 1997)

The TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: Shriek of the Mutilated (dir by Michael Findlay)


“The shriek of the mutilated!”

Listen, if there’s noting else that can be said about this 1974 film, Shriek of the Mutilated is a brilliant title.  I mean, it’s not only catchy but it’s honest.  The mutilated do tend to shriek.  You see a title like that and how can you look away?  How can you not watch just to see if the film itself lives up to the title?  That’s the genius of the grindhouse right there.  Promise a lot in the title.  Even if the film fails to deliver, people will remember the title.  Let’s be honest — I could say right now, “Shriek of the Mutilated is the worst movie ever made,” and the only thing you would hear me say is “Shriek of the Mutilated.”

Anyway, as for the film itself, it’s an Abominable Snowman film.  There’s a lot of bigfoot films but Shriek of the Mutilated is one of the few films that I’ve ever seen about the Abominable Snowman.  I’ve always wondered what makes the Snowman so abominable.  I mean, did he just choose that name or was it forced upon him?  Abominable doesn’t sound like a compliment so I’m going to guess that the Snowman was named that by someone who he owed money to.  I imagine if the Snowman had his say, he’d prefer to be known as the “The Wonderful Snowman” or maybe “The Triumphant Snowman” but, because he must live his days in hiding, he’s been given no choice.  It just doesn’t seem fair to me.

If it seems like I’m padding out this review, that’s because there’s more to Shriek of the Mutilated than just the Abominable Snowman but if I tell you too much about the plot, I’ll be spoiling the film.  And before you say that there’s no way you’d ever watch this film in the first place so it doesn’t matter if I spoil it, allow me to point out that not only is Shriek of the Mutilated available on Prime but it’s also been included in a quite a few of those cheap Mill Creek box sets.  So, chances are, you will be watching Shriek of the Mutilated at some point in your life.  And I don’t want to spoil it for you.  I want you to watch this film and shake your head and say, “What the Hell was that all about?”

Basically, a professor recruits four of his students to come search for the Snowman with him.  The students agree, despite the fact that one of the professor’s former students warns them against it.  As he explains it, he had a bright future until he joined the professor on one of his quests.  Now, he’s the school janitor and he’s a drunk!  That’s why the Snowman is abominable by the way.  He ruins lives!

Anyway, the Snowman does kind of make an appearance but, far more important than the Snowman, is a plot twist that’s so silly and so stupid and so out-of-nowhere that it simply has to be seen to be believed.  The entire film has a kind of “make it up as you go along” feel to it and it wouldn’t surprise me if someone just randomly thought up the twist in the middle of filming.  And listen — the film looks incredibly cheap and the acting is terrible but that twist is such a “WTF” moment that I recommend watching the film just to experience it.

I also recommend the film just because of the Snowman.  Check him out:

Shriek of the Mutilated was directed by Michael Findlay, who was one of the pioneers of the grindhouse cicruit.  His best films — like the Flesh trilogy — achieve a sort of dream-like intensity.  Even his worst films, like this one, are entertainingly weird.  He also directed a film called Slaughter which achieved a certain infamy when the producer (without Findlay’s input) filmed some extra scenes, renamed the movie Snuff, and then advertised it as being an actual snuff film.  Tragically, Findlay was killed in a helicopter accident in 1978 but his wife, Roberta, continued to direct movies through the 80s.

Shriek of the Mutilated is a frequently inept movie but it’s also strange enough that everyone should watch it at least once.

 

Cinemax Friday: Witchcraft VII: Judgment Hour (1995, directed by Michael Paul Girard)


Warlock-turned-attorney-turned-police consultant Will Spanner is back for the 7th time in Witchcraft VII.  However, the usual witches and warlocks are nowhere to be seen.  Instead, this installment finds Will and the gang battling a vampire businessman who wants to take over the world’s blood supply.

As is typical of the Witchcraft films, all of the usual characters are present but they’re all played by different actors.  Will is now played by David Byrnes while April Breneman steps into the role of Will’s girlfriend, Kelli.  Detectives Garner and Lutz also return.  However, Garner (John Cragen) is now much younger and, as opposed to the previous film, has a full head of hair.  Meanwhile, Lutz, who was a man in the previous film, is now played by Alisa Christensen.  (In a later movie, it would be explained that this Lutz is supposed to be a relative of the original Lutz but that’s never mentioned in Witchcraft VII.)

Will is still tortured by his past and his powers but it’s less of a problem in this film because he’s not battling a warlock.  Instead, while he’s visiting friends in the hospital, he just happens to spot Rachel (Ashlie Rhey) coming back to life.  Rachel, who was the latest victim of vampire Martin Hassa (Loren Schmalle), is now a vampire who preys on joggers but only after having sex with them because this is a Witchcraft movie, after all.  It won’t be easy for Will to defeat Hassa because Hassa has a mansion full of frequently naked vampires.  In fact, it’s so difficult that Will ends up dead.

That’s right, Witchcraft VII was originally meant to be the end of the series.  Realizing that there was nothing left to do with Will Spanner, Witchcraft VII had him battle a vampire and then killed him.  The next Witchcraft film would not feature Will in any way.  However, you can’t keep a good warlock down so Will would eventually return in Witchcraft IX.

Witchcraft VII would not have been a bad film to go out on.  Even with its low budget and its softcore aesthetic, Witchcraft VII is better than the previous few Witchcraft films.  David Byrnes is the best Will Spanner since Charles Solomon and Loren Schmalle is a good villain.  Though it may seem strange that a film called Witchcraft wouldn’t actually feature any witches, the vampire angle actually brings some new energy to the franchise.  Will gets to go out a hero and the world is a little bit safer for joggers.

Unfortunately, nothing ever truly ends in the world of direct-to-video.  Witchcraft would return with Witchcraft 8, albeit temporarily without the character of Will Spanner.

Game Review: Tavern Crawler (2020, Josh LaBelle)


Tavern Crawler is an entrant in the 2020 Interactive Fiction Competition.  All of the entries can be played here.

Tavern Crawler is an incredibly addictive Twine Game.  It starts out with a typical Dungeons and Dragons style set-up.  You and your two companions meet a wealthy man in a tavern.  The wealthy man is named Walter Barnes (not much of a fantasy name but that’s the point) and he offers you a fortune in gold.  All you have to do is find a dragon’s lair, kill the dragon, and then return with its head.

Sounds simple right?  The problem is that you were quite drunk when Walter approached you so, even though you heard about the dragon, you didn’t really hear the name of the tavern where you were supposed to meet him afterwards.  Though finding and dealing with the dragon is a part of the game, Tavern Crawler is more concerned with what happens after the quest.  Will you be able to find Walter or will just get spend all of your time wandering from tavern to tavern, getting progressively more sloshed as you search?

Tavern Crawler is unique just for the amount of options that you’re given.  Every decision you make has a consequence and effects how the game will end.  There’s not single throw away decision to be found and, as a result, you can play Tavern Crawler over and over again without once playing the same game twice.  Will you remain relatively sober and not only find Walter but also discover the secret of the dragon?  Or will you get so drunk and obnoxious that you’ll end up penniless, bloody, and abandoned by your companions?  The choice is yours!

I liked everything about Tavern Crawler.  There’s several side quests that you can chose to get involved with and the town, its residents, and its taverns are all described so precisely that you feel like you’re right there, drinking ale and wondering whether or not to get involved in the knife game that’s taking place in the back of bar.  Tavern Crawler creates a world that you’ll want to explore and the game rewards experimentation.  As soon as I finish writing this, I’m going to replay it just to see how many bad decisions I can make before dying.

Tavern Crawler can be played here.