Thank you to everyone who voted in my latest “Tell Lisa Marie What To Watch” poll. A total of 864 votes were cast. Up until this morning, it looked like Night of the Creeps was going to be an easy winner but a last-minute surge of votes gave Logan’s Run a come-from-behind victory. Interestingly enough, The Lion In Winter also got a lot of last-minute votes. It didn’t receive enough to beat Logan’s Run but it did manage to knock Night of the Creeps down to a third place finish.
I will be watching Logan’s Run later on today. Look for my review tomorrow. And again, thank you to everyone who voted!
I’ve got mixed feelings about this one. I have a total girlcrush on Kate Beckinsale and I support any movie where women get to kick as much ass as the boys. At the same time, it’s hard not to look at this and think: “Again?”
Still, one thing’s for sure. It’s got to be better than Dylan Dog: Dead of Night.
So, guess what I did earlier today? That’s right — I put on a blindfold, a stumbled over to my ever-growing DVD, Blu-ray. and even VHS collection and I randomly selected 12 films!
Why did I do this?
I did it so you, the beloved readers of Through the Shattered Lens, could once again have a chance to tell me what to do. At the end of this post, you’ll find a poll. Hopefully, between now and next Sunday (that’s August 21st), a few of you will take the time to vote for which of these 12 films I should watch and review. I will then watch the winner on Sunday and post my review on Monday night. In short, I’m putting the power to dominate in your hands. Just remember: with great power comes great … well, you know how it goes.
Here are the 12 films that I randomly selected this afternoon:
Abduction — From 1975, this soft-core grindhouse film is based on the real-life abduction of Patty Hearst and was made while Hearst was still missing. Supposedly, the FBI ended up investigating director Joseph Zito to make sure he wasn’t involved in the actual kidnapping.
Aguirre, The Wrath of God — From director Werner Herzog and star Klaus Kinski comes this story about a Spanish conquistador who fights a losing battle against the Amazon.
Black Caesar — In one of the most succesful of the 70s blaxploitation films, Fred Williamson takes over the Harlem drug trade and battles the mafia.
Don’t Look Now — Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie are a married couple who attempt to deal with the death of their daughter by going to Venice, Italy. Christie quickly falls in with two blind psychics while Sutherland pursues a ghostly figure in a red raincoat through Venice. Directed by Nicolas Roeg.
The Lion In Winter — From 1968, this best picture nominee stars Peter O’Toole and Katharine Hepburn as King Henry II and his wife, Eleanor of Aquitaine. Taking place on Christmas Eve, Henry and Eleanor debate which one of their useless sons will take over a king of England. This film is also the feature debut of both Anthony Hopkins and Timothy Dalton.
Logan’s Run— From 1976, this sci-fi film features Michael York and Jenny Agutter as two future hedonists seeking Sanctuary and instead finding Peter Ustinov and a bunch of cats. Filmed in my hometown of Dallas.
Lost Highway — From director David Lynch comes this 1997 film about … well, who knows for sure what it’s about? Bill Pullman may or may not have killed Patricia Arquette and he may or may not end up changing into Balthazar Getty.
Mystic River— From director Clint Eastwood comes this film about murder, guilt, redemption, and suspicion in working-class Boston. Starring Sean Penn, Kevin Bacon, and Tim Robbins.
Naked Massacre — From 1976, this stark film is something a grindhouse art film. It takes the true life story of Chicago mass murderer Richard Speck and transfers the action to Belfast. Also known as Born for Hell.
Night of the Creeps— From 1986, this film features alien slugs that turn an entire college campus into a breeding ground for frat boy zombies. Tom Atkins gets to deliver the classic line: “Well don’t go out there…”
Petulia — Considered by many to be one of the best American films ever made and one of the definitive films of the 60s, Petulia tells the story of a divorced doctor (George C. Scott) who enters into an odd relationship with Julie Christie. Directed by Richard Lester, this film also stars Joseph Cotten, Richard Chamberlain, and the Grateful Dead.
What Have You Done To Solange? — From 1975, What Have You Done To Solange is a classic giallo that features dream-like murders, disturbing subtext, and one of the best musical scores of all time.
So, there’s your 12 films. Vote once, vote often, have fun, and I await your decision.
So, earlier today, I saw Final Destination 5 and guess what isn’t half as bad as you might think?
Now, I’m going to assume that if you’re reading this review, then you probably already know what this film is about. Seriously, once a film has reached its fifth installment, you have absolutely no excuse for not knowing what’s going on. Still, just in case you need to be reminded, here’s how this series works. All of the Final Destination films follow the same basic storyline: a group of attractive but generally anonymous people are gathered together for some everyday event like Nascar or a flight to France. Suddenly, there’s some huge disaster that generally involves a lot of things exploding and people dying. However, it turns out that the disaster we just saw was instead the main character’s vision of what’s going to happen. That character freaks out which leads to him and a handful of other people avoiding the disaster. However, by not dying, they’ve managed to tick off Death and soon, our survivors are dying in a variety of ludicrously convoluted ways, the key being that they’re dying in the order that they died in the original vision. (Fortunately, Tony Todd shows up in each film and explains how it all works.) Anyway, in each film, we learn of a different way to cheat death and each film ends with both the final survivors and the audience learning that actually you can’t cheat death. In many ways, the Final Destination series is the perfect reflection of the 21st Century. The same crap keeps happening and, in the end, we’re all doomed regardless.
Final Destination 5 sticks to established formula. This time, the big disaster is a bridge collapse and the twist is that a survivor can fill death’s quota by killing someone else. That’s kind of a neat idea and the film actually has a little bit of clever fun with that at the end. Still, I wish the film had taken the whole idea to its logical, grindhouse extreme and just had all the survivors running around desperately looking for innocent people to murder.
There’s a lot of very legitimate criticisms that one can make about Final Destination 5. Though the supporting cast is well-chosen (especially Miles Fisher — who could be Tom Cruise’s twin brother, seriously, David Koechner and Courtney B. Vance), the main character is played by Nicholas D’Agosto, who gives a performance that is so free of charisma that you have a hard time believing that he was ever alive to begin with. Emma Bell plays D’Agosto’s girlfriend and it is seriously amazing to see how little chemistry the two of them have together. (Then again, this also helps to make the film’s final twist entertaining as opposed to traumatic…) As much as I love to see Tony Todd doing his Tony Todd thing, it’s hard not get impatient with the fact that these characters need to be told that they’re in a Final Destination film.
But let’s be honest — those criticisms may be valid but who cares? This is a Final Destination film and if you’re not willing to consider it on the basis of what it is, then don’t waste your time watching it and bitching about how it’s not The Help. Judged solely on that basis, Final Destination 5 is actually a return to form for the series. The deaths are all nicely done and memorably grotesque and there’s a real nasty twist at the end of the film that basically serves as a reward for all the horror fans who have stuck with the series since the beginning. I wish I could tell you what that twist was but seriously, it’s way too neat for me to spoil it. I’ll just say that I squealed in delight when I saw it.
Finally, this is a 3-D film that was actually made in real 3-D. The 3-D was not tacked on as an afterthought and, as a result, this is rare film that actually uses the 3-D to make the movie better as opposed to just trendier. This is a film where guts spill freely, eyeballs literally pop out of the screen, and it’s all just the perfect definition of good, stupid fun.
(That said, I do have to admit that this film was apparently made specifically to freak me out because, oh my God, it’s like they exploited every single fear that I have. As Arleigh can tell you, I am terrified of two things — heights and drowning. Which means that if you really want to see me scared, just get me thinking about the prospect of plunging several hundred feet into a large body of water. Seriously, just typing that freaks me out. So, of course, what does this film open with? A freaking bridge collapsing. And don’t even get me started on the laser eye surgery…agck! I’ll just stay blind as a bat, thank you very much.)
For this week’s edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitaiton Trailers, we actually have a loose theme as opposed to just me tossing up random stuff. That theme: Out Of Control Youth. (Cue dramatic DAH-DAH-DAAAAAH music)
Normally, I try to avoid doing “theme” trailer posts because they require way too much concentration on my part. However, this week, as I selected the trailers I wanted to feature, I slowly realized that I was doing just that and I was actually being a pretty good job at it.
Take heart, Out of Control Youths. This post is dedicated to you.
I may be wrong but just judging from the trailer, I think this film might be about “women in chains.” Pam Grier, of course, everyone knows. The white mama was played by Margaret Markov, who later married exploitation film producer Mark Damon.
Eventually, I guess the kids from Over the Edge grew up to be the kids from Suburbia. I’ve got this one on DVD but every time I’ve tried to watch it, I’ve ended up falling asleep. Not necessarily because the film is bad. I just always end up trying to watch it at 4 in the morning for some reason.
I just love that the credits at the end of the trailer announce that this film features a “special appearance” from Peter Fonda.
5) Mission Hill (1982)
“Mission Hill: A Neighborhood where anything can happen…” This is the type of film that I often fantasize about appearing in. Naturally, I would be the girl singing. I can’t really sing but that’s what post-production dubbing is for, right?
This is another one that I have on DVD but I haven’t found the time to watch yet. This appears to be a film in which psycho children kill … well, everything. All I know is that if I’m ever taking a bath and some little child comes wandering in with a bunch of fish, I’m jumping up and running. I don’t care how wet and naked I am.
Earlier tonight, I went and saw the new comedy 30 Minutes or Less. The film has, so far, gotten mixed reviews and the theater we saw it in was half-deserted. The audience laughed quite a bit during the 1st half of the movie and a little less so during the second. As soon as the credits started, everyone stood up and left. This is not the type of film that inspires you to sit around and wait to see if there’s any extras at the end. Still, despite that, it’s an enjoyable comedy that has enough laughs in it to justify the 83 minutes it takes to watch the entire film.
Danny McBride plays an aimless loser who, despite being in his mid-3os, still lives at home with his wealthy but hateful father (well-played by Fred Ward). McBride spends his time blowing stuff up with his well-meaning but stupid best friend (Nick Swardson) and fantasizing about the day that his father will die and leave him his inheritance. However, then McBride finds out about a hitman (Michael Pena) who is willing to kill Ward as long as McBride can pay him several thousand dollars. So, McBride and Swardson kidnap a pizza deliveryman (Jesse Eisenberg) and strap a bomb to his chest. They tell him that is he doesn’t rob a bank in the next 10 hours, the bomb will go off. With the help of his best friend (Aziz Ansari), Eisenberg attempts to do just that.
The film’s humor comes not from the plot (which is based very loosely on a true story — more about that in a minute) but instead from the way these very ordinary characters attempt to deal with the situation they find themselves in. All four of the major characters have little grasp on reality beyond what they’ve seen in other movies. When Eisenberg and Aziz plot their bank robbery, it has less to do with logistics and everything to do with Point Break. The film is perfectly cast and all of the actors have a real chemistry with each other. You believe that McBride and Swardson are lifelong friends just as you buy that Aziz would go out of his way to help out Eisenberg.
Much as he did with Zombieland, director Fleischer manages to maintain a nice balance between the comedic and the grotesque. Unfortunately, also much like Zombieland, the film starts to run out of steam during the second half as the storyline becomes more centered on action than on comedy. These characters who were previously only talking about being in an action film are suddenly thrust into an action film and everything starts to seem a little bit too familiar. Still, 30 Minutes or Less is an enjoyable enough movie. I just wish the end result had been a little less uneven.
Now, 30 Minutes or Less is based on a true story and this story wasn’t a comedy. In 2003, a pizza deliveryman named Brian Douglas Wells robbed a bank in Erie, Pennsylvania. He had a bomb around his neck. Unlike the characters in this film, Wells was killed when the bomb went off and blew a softball-sized hole in his chest. The police — who, in the moments before the fatal blast, basically just stood around with their tasers drawn while Wells begged for help — later accused Wells of being a part of the whole plot. Which makes absolutely no sense but who am I to question Big Brother?
Regardless of whether Wells was a victim or participant, that doesn’t change the fact that pizza delivery men are easy targets. Just last year in Dallas, two kids with guns ordered a pizza and gave the address of a deserted warehouse. They had to call many different pizza places before they found someone willing to deliver to that area of town. When the pizza arrived, the kids gunned down the deliveryman. When they were arrested, they said they had simply wanted to kill someone and they knew a pizza deliveryman was the only potential victim they’d be able to lure out to the middle of nowhere. That’s hardly an isolated incident.
Also, as is mentioned in this movie, whenever the pizza person takes 34 minutes to get to your house and then you go, “Duuuuuuude, the pizza’s free!” that means that the cost of your pizza is going to be taken out of the paycheck of a man who puts his life in danger every time he goes to work.
So, what am I saying? I’m saying don’t be an asshole and pay for your damn pizza!
Last night, as part of my quest/mission/curse to watch all of the movies included in Mill Creek’s 50 Classic Chillers Box Set, I watched a film from 1974 called Drive-In Massacre.
So, what’s Drive-In Massacre about? Well, there’s this drive-in and there’s someone wandering around with a sword which he uses to kill various filmgoers. Now, you might think that the fact that people keep getting hacked to pieces at the drive-in would lead to the establishment either getting closed down or perhaps, at the very least, it would lead to an increased police presence. Well, you would be wrong. Even more people start hanging out at the drive-in and the police presence amounts to two overweight detectives who go undercover to catch the killer. (By undercover, I mean that one of the detectives shows up in drag.)
Since this is a pre-1980, giallo-influenced slasher film, the film is structured as a whodunit. Instead of giving us the wisecracking killer that we usually associate with slasher films, this one presents us with a handful of weirdos and dares us to try to guess whose guilty. Is it the bald guy who manages the drive-in and who is referred to as being “a perfect asshole?” Or is it Orville The Pervert who spends all of his time trying to peep on young lovers and who happens to have some bloody clothes in the back of his car? Then again, it could be Germy, the creepy janitor who is a natural suspect because 1) he’s a former sword swallower and 2) his name is Germy. Then again, it could also be the sweaty guy who pops up out of nowhere during the film’s final 20 minutes and spends all of his time saying things like, “I’m going to cut the bad out of you.”
Of course, there’s always the possibility that the film will end with an out-of-nowhere “surprise” twist that will either piss you off or make you squeal with delight depending on how seriously you take these things. Me, I squealed with delight.
I loved this movie and I make no apologies for it. The plot makes absolutely no sense, the acting is really odd, and the whole film has this wonderful feel to it that leads you to suspect that someone just turned on a camera and yelled, “DO SOMETHING!” The first kill scene is actually rather effective and there’s a few scenes of intentional humor that actually work almost well. As well, the film did manage to capture the feel of a sleazy drive-in (perhaps because it was filmed at a sleazy drive-in). I mean, I’ve never been to a drive-in and I probably never will since I don’t think they exist anymore but, after seeing this film, I feel like I’ve had the drive-in experience.
However, my love of this film truly came down to two things:
1) I loved Germy! Seriously, I’ve seen a lot of movies featuring mentally disturbed janitors and Germy belongs in the Mentally Disturbed Janitor Hall Of Fame. Plus, his name was Germy. That just makes me laugh so much.
2) The movie itself only lasts an hour and 13 minutes. Now, on the one hand, that means that there’s not a lot of time for anything along the lines of coherence. However, on the other hand, it also means that the movie never gets a chance to drag and right when you’re starting to get annoyed with it, it’s over!
As a sidenote, Arleigh might be interested to know that this film was apparently co-written by George “Buck” Flower.
Like theAlpha Projectand The Demons of Ludlow, Cathy’s Curseis included in Mill Creek’s 50 Chilling Classics Box Set. As opposed to those two previous films (both of which had occasional flashes of quality submerged in all the badness), 1978’s Cathy’s Curse is a film that is just so relentlessly bad and inept that it succeeds in transforming cinematic incompetence into an art form. This is a film that’s so bad, you simply must see it.
Here’s the opening of the film, which will give you a pretty good clue to director Eddy Matalon’s unique cinematic vision. Now, please note, that this is not a case of a bad upload. This is what the film actually looks like as it plays on your television:
Anyway, once the opening credits are over with, here’s just a little of what’s waiting for you:
Years after that fateful car crash, the man’s son moves back into the old house. Accompanying him is his mentally unstable wife (who speaks in an oddly chirpy monotone throughout the entire film, it simply has to be heard to be believed) and his precocious daughter, Cathy. A few minutes after entering the house, Cathy finds her dead aunt’s old rag doll. A few second later, the rag doll’s eyes suddenly start glowing and Cathy’s possessed. Suddenly, she’s speaking in a much lower voice and cursing all the time. Nobody seems to notice.
Nobody, that is, except for the maid. However, the maid is easily taken care of when she happens to casually roll out of the attic window. I had to laugh out loud at this moment because director Matalon didn’t make much of an effort to disguise the fact that the maid had been replaced by a very stiff mannequin for the shot. I mean, its arms don’t even move as it plunges in freefall.
Anyway, the unstable mom happens to see the mannequin fall out of the window and then catches Cathy staring down from the same window. She confronts Cathy and Cathy, via a jump cut so abrupt that it actually makes a “gwapp” noise on the soundtrack, vanishes and then reappears directly behind her. Naturally this leads to mom having a nervous breakdown and going back to the mental hospital.
Cathy’s father has a business meeting out of town and informs Cathy that she might have to go stay with relatives. Cathy cries and her father decides that it would, instead, be a better idea to just leave Cathy alone in the house for a few weeks with the old, alcoholic groundskeeper. Cathy and the groundskeeper get along pretty well until an older woman shows up and claims to be a medium. A mysterious voice replies, “You’re a medium piece of shit!” and the medium runs off. Meanwhile, the groundskeeper starts to have hallucinations where he’s covered with rats, snakes, and spiders and then his noisy dog dies mysteriously.
Eventually, both dad and mom return home. Mom thinks something is wrong with Cathy. Dad says there’s nothing wrong with Cathy. Dad then leaves for work. Mom takes a bath. Suddenly, the bathwater is replaced with blood and mom is covered in leeches. Mom screams in terror.
At this point, (an hour and 7 minutes into the action for those that want to check) there’s an abrupt jump cut to a distinguished looking man getting into a car and driving off. This is the first time we’ve seen this man in the movie and it’s also the last time. Seriously.
Anyway, there’s another jump cut and Dad is relieved that mom is okay despite the fact that just a few seconds ago, she was literally covered in a thousand leeches.
Anyway, at this point, the film goes into its climax and I can’t really go into too much detail but (SPOILER ALERT) let’s just say that those of you who have spent 70 minutes going, “Why don’t they just take the doll away from her?” will end up feeling somewhat vindicated.
If you’re a lover of bad film (as opposed to just someone who watches these things and goes, “That was so dumb…”), Cathy’s Curse is a film that you must see.
Last night, after I finished with The Alpha Incident, I decided to watch yet another Bill Rebane film from the Mill Creek 50 Chilling Classics box set, 1983’s The Demons of Ludlow.
The Demons of Ludlow
Ludlow is a tiny New England town that is celebrating its 200th birthday. Now, when I say tiny, I mean that there appears to be about 17 people living in the town. Anyway, a mysterious piano is sent to the town as a birthday present and, uh-oh — guess what’s possessed with the angry spirit of a warlock who happened to be murdered by the citizens of Ludlow 200 years ago? Anyway, this warlock has a whole lot of other angry ghosts with him and soon, they’re exacting revenge on the citizens of Ludlow.
Okay, I think I can hear Arleigh going, “Uhmmm…Lisa Marie, remember a little film called The Fog!?” and yes, I guess the plot is a bit similar to John Carpenter’s film. It’s also reminiscent of another 1983 horror film called The Devonsville Terror. While The Devonsville Terror was directed by the infamous Ulli Lommel, Bill Rebane is listed as being one of the “associate producers.” I’m sure there’s probably a story there.
But anyway, back to The Demons of Ludlow. This is very much a horror film of the 80s, which means that it has a real nasty streak. As opposed to The Alpha Incident, where Rebane actually did appear to have a higher purpose in mind, the Demons of Ludlow is pretty much all about killing people. Yet, this lack of higher purpose actually makes Demons of Ludlow a far more entertaining film to watch. It helps that none of the 17 citizens of Ludlow are actually likable enough for you to get too upset once they die.
A shocking scene of demonic vengeance...or something.
The demons of Ludlow themselves are far more interesting, if just because they challenge logic by their very existence. As the reviewer known as Scarina pointed out in her own excellent review, the film’s own internal logic states that the ghosts that are helping out the warlock in the piano are the exact same ghosts who ran him out of Ludlow in the first place. So, therefore, why are they helping him? Now, if pressed, I can accept that perhaps he used his warlock powers to take control of their ghosts. I mean, he’s had to kill 200 years doing something, right?
But what’s odd is that we’re told that Ludlow is 200 years old. Seeing as the film came out in 1983, let’s give the movie the benefit of the doubt and say that Ludlow was founded in 1782. Okay, that would mean that Ludlow was established during the final year of the American Revolution. Therefore, why are half the ghosts of Ludlow dressed like pilgrims from a community theater Thanksgiving pageant? I say half because the other half are dressed like decadent nobles from pre-Revolutionary France. Seriously, they’ve got the powdered wigs and the fake moles and everything! And then, to top it off, five pirate ghosts show up at the end of the movie. I mean, my God, I would have loved to have been back in Ludlow in 1782. Apparently, it was like the New Orleans of colonial New England.
Pilgrims of LudlowPirates of Ludlow
Marquis De Sade of Ludlow
Still, I have to admit I enjoyed the Demons of Ludlow. It doesn’t drag as much as The Alpha Incident and this is a film that definitely has more than enough “What the Fuck” appeal to be watchable. There’s even one sequence — in which one unfortunate citizen ends up getting shot by a musket-holding Pilgrim who suddenly shows up in a mirror — that is actually rather effective. This is one of those films that people like me tend to defend by citing its “dream-like” qualities. That may be going a bit too far in this film’s case but it’s still a definite success d’estime.
It seems that every film lover owns at least one of those box sets of public domain films that Oak Creek Entertainment puts out. You know which ones I mean — the box sets usually have about 50 to 100 movies crammed onto 12 discs and always have titles like “Astounding Adventure Classics.” Most of the time, you’ll recognize one or two of the movies included (usually Night of the Living Dead) and you’ll end up buying it because they only cost like 6 bucks and that’s pretty good for 50 movies, even if you already know most of those movies are going to suck. I own several of these box sets, including 50 Chilling Classics.
I’ve recently decided to write a review for every single film that I have in my collection and I figured, what better place to start than with the often-forgotten and ignored public domain films that can be found in 50 Chilling Classics? So, let’s get things started by reviewing a little public domain film from Wisconsin called The Alpha Incident.
Made in 1977, The Alpha Incident tells us what happens when a train, carrying a deadly virus brought back from Mars, makes a stop over at a small country train station. It seems that Hank (played by George “Buck” Flower, who giggles a lot) had taken it upon himself to inspect that deadly cargo and has accidentally released it into the atmosphere. The train station, and the five people trapped inside, are quarantined by the U.S. government. Trapped in the station are the increasingly crazed Hank, the cold Dr. Sorenson (Stafford Morgan), gruff bully Jack (John F. Goff), neurotic secretary Jenny (Carol Irene Newell), and the shy station agent, Charlie (Ralph Meeker, who was the best-known actor in the cast). The five are told to wait while American scientists try to find a cure for the virus. Under no circumstances can they 1) leave the station and 2) fall asleep because, the minute they do, the virus will cause their brain to literally explode out of the back of their head. For the rest of the film (which, honestly, would probably have worked better as a play), the five fight among themselves, wonder if they’re infected, and above all else, struggle to stay awake.
The Alpha Incident was directed by Bill Rebane, an independent filmmaker who is based up in Wisconsin. Apparently, Rebane’s unique cinematic vision has won him a cult following among fans of low-budget horror and sci-fi films. One term that I’ve often seen used to describe him is “the Ed Wood of Wisconsin.” On the basis of the Alpha Incident, I don’t know if that’s a fair comparison. Yes, the film does drag at time and the editing pretty much defines the term “ragged” but the movie still held my interest and not in a solely “what the fuck am I watching?” sort of way. Yes, the performances are uneven, ranging from histrionic (George “Buck” Flower and John F. Goff) to boring (Stafford Morgan) to adequate (Ralph Meeker) to surprisingly good (Carol Irene Newell) but the characters themselves aren’t the usual stereotypes and, while the dialogue is often a bit clunky, the film’s story is an interesting one and the ending is just so wonderfully cynical and downbeat. With it’s portrayal of common people trying to survive the mistakes of a faceless government, The Alpha Incident is so wonderfully 70s that I it made me want to go to a club, tell my companions, “I’m going to powder my nose,” and then snort someone else’s cocaine.
Like many of the best B-movies, The Alpha Incident was made with more ambition than skill but it’s still a film that, if you truly appreciate the low-budget exploitation movies of the 70s, is more than worth seeing.
