Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.18 “Symbol of Death”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Baywatch Nights tries to open an X-File.

Episode 2.18 “Symbol of Death”

(Dir by Richard Friedman, originally aired on April 19th, 1997)

After he’s found wandering around the city and babbling incoherently, Daimont Teague is taken to the hospital.  Mitch and Ryan are called to come get him but, by the time they show up, Teague has already wandered off.  Teague’s doctor hands Ryan a blue rock that Teague wanted her to have.  Suddenly, there’s an explosion in the hospital.  Mitch falls to the floor, holding his knee.  A wild-eyed man wearing a beret (Terry Kiser) grabs Ryan’s purse.  Ryan chases after him and beats him up in the parking lot.  Ryan is more upset over her purse nearly being stolen than she is over an apparent terrorist bombing at a hospital.  And I don’t blame her!  I’d kill to protect any of my purses.

The purse thief turns out to be George Wilson.  Wilson explains that he’s a writer and an expert on UFOs.  He believes that aliens are already on the Earth and that there’s a huge interstellar conspiracy that controls everything that happens on this planet.  (Of course, this show has already established that it’s actually the Knights Templar who control everything.)  The blue rock contains some sort of alien presence that apparently possessed Teague and is currently causing him to stumble around the city.  Wilson and Ryan team up to track down Teague and protect him from the aliens.  It doesn’t make any damn sense but let’s just go with it.

Due to Mitch injuring his knee when that bomb went off, the Hoff is barely in this episode.  For that matter, neither Griff nor Donna are in this episode, either.  I’m going to guess that this was a cost-cutting measure on the part of the producers because, if there’s any episode in which it would have made sense to call in Griff and Donna, it’s this episode.  They could have helped in the search for Teague.  As it is, it falls to Ryan and Wilson to do most of the searching.  Terry Kiser, who is best known for playing the titular Bernie in Weekend at Bernie’s, is always an amusing presence and he seems to be having a ball playing such a paranoid character.  That said, it’s hard not to be a little bit amazed at how quickly Ryan is willing to forgive him for trying to steal her purse.

This episode owed a lot to the X-Files, with its aliens and its murky talk of conspiracies.  Unfortunately, it lacks all of the atmosphere necessary to really make its conspiracy-fueled plotline compelling.  Despite all of the Dutch angles that are used in this episode, this is still basically a sunny and rather corny Baywatch spin-off.  Rather than leaving me feeling paranoid, this episode just let me thinking about silly this whole series truly is.  Don’t get me wrong, of course.  It’s fun.  But it’s also definitely very, very silly.

There’s only four more episodes of Baywatch Nights left to review.  I’m going to miss this show after I finish.

 

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.17 “Funny Man/Tattoo, The Matchmaker”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

Smiles, everyone!  Smiles!

Episode 5.17 “Funny Man/Tattoo, The Matchmaker”

(Dir by George W. Brooks, originally aired on February 20th, 1982)

For the second week in a row, Julie only appears in the stock footage at the start of the episode.  And again, for the second week in a row, no mention is made of her.  Mr. Roarke doesn’t say anything about why she’s not greeting the guests at the docks.  Tattoo doesn’t seem to care.

This is actually a big episode for Tattoo.  It turns out that Tattoo has a side hustle going.  He’s running a computer dating service!  (This isn’t surprising.  During the early seasons of the show, Tattoo always had some sort of extra money-making scheme going on.)  He’s invited both Harriet Wilson (Laurie Walters) and Claudette Mills (Misty Rowe) to the Island so that they can be set up with the perfect future husband.  Usually, Roarke isn’t happy when Tattoo invites people to the Island on his own but this time, he doesn’t seem to be too upset about it.  He tells Tattoo that the two women and their fantasies will be his responsibility.  At one point, Roarke even mentions that Tattoo is in charge of overseeing all of the weddings that occur on Fantasy Island.  Does that include Mr. Roarke’s wedding from a few seasons ago?

However, there’s a problem.  Tattoo’s big computer has decided that both Harriet and Claudette should marry Mr. Roarke.  Tattoo and his business partner, Ambrose Tuttle (Skip Stephenson), think that the computer must be malfunctioning but Tattoo did promise the women that he would set them up with the most charming man on the Island and what better description is there for Mr. Roarke?

Mr. Roarke is not particularly amused to discover that he is now expected to marry two women who he doesn’t even know.  Considering the tragic ending of Mr. Roarke’s previous marriage, this isn’t a huge shock.  Roarke tells Tattoo that he has to find other husbands for both Harriet and Claudia.  Fortunately, Amrbose Tuttle is single and a former football player (Russ Francis) has also come to the Island.  Can Tattoo pull it off and help all four of these people fall in love?  To quote Mr. Roarke, “Indeed, he can.”  This is Fantasy Island!

Along with learning about Tattoo’s computer dating operation, we also learn about Tattoo’s favorite comedian.  Beau Gillette (Jimmy Dean) has built a successful career telling jokes about his redneck family.  What he’s never told anyone, including his fiancée (Vicki Lawrence), is that his family is imaginary.  Beau grew up in an orphanage and created his family in his head so he wouldn’t be lonely.  Beau’s fantasy is for his family to exist, just so he can introduce them to his fiancée.  Mr. Roarke suggests that it might be a better idea for Beau to just tell the truth but Beau’s like, “Nah, let’s just bring imaginary people to life.”

While Beau’s performing his act, Uncle Jack (Morgan Woodward), grandma (Jeanette Nolan), and cousin Lindy (Linda Thompson Jenner) all come to life.  The only problem is that they all know that they’re really imaginary and they’re not happy that Beau’s been thinking less about them and more about his fiancée.  They decide that Lindy should break up Beau’s engagement by seducing him.  And if they doesn’t work, they can just kill Beau’s fiancée….

Wow, that got dark!

Actually, this isn’t a very dark fantasy at all.  Both fantasies are played largely for laughs.  Beau, realizing that his imaginary family has been a crutch that he’s been using for too long, confesses that they don’t really exist and, as a result, they all fade away.  Beau’s free to get married and I guess come up with new act.  Yay!

Much like last week, this episode felt like a throwback to the early seasons of Fantasy Island.  Tattoo got a storyline and Mr. Roarke was heavily involved in the fantasies, as opposed to just being a bystander.  Both Herve Villechaize and Ricardo Montalban appeared to be having fun in this episode and, as a result, it was fun to watch, even if it was hard to buy into the idea the Beau Gillette’s rather anodyne jokes about his redneck family would have made him into a star.  Largely due to Tattoo and his computer dating service, this was an enjoyable trip to the Island.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 2.20 “Quarantine”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, things get a little dull.

Episode 2.20 “Quarantine”

(Dir by Harvey S. Laidman, originally aired on February 24th, 1979)

When a Korean teenager tries to stow away in the backseat of a car being driven by two women who freak out when they discover that he’s back there, it’s Ponch and Baker to the rescue.  They take the teenager back to the station.  Unfortunately, the teen, who does not appear to speak English, turns out to be extremely ill.  He’s rushed to a hospital and the station is put under quarantine.

That means that Baker, Sindy, Grossman, and Getraer are all stuck with each other.  (Ponch was lucky enough to get out of the station before the quarantine was declared.)  There are also two prisoners at the station, a man (Tom Poston) with multiple personalities and a young but witty criminal (Jody St. Michael) who wears a leather jacket and who is always looking for an excuse to crawl around in the air ducts.  Eventually, Harlan enters the station and ends up getting quarantined as well.  Oddly enough, the doctor who tells them that they’re quarantined is allow to enter and leave the station, despite not wearing any sort of protective gear.  For that matter, the two women who were in the car with the teenager are also allowed to leave.  This really isn’t much of a quarantine!

It’s also not much of an episode of CHiPs.  I know that I’ve spent a lot of time complaining about how, during its second season, CHiPs essentially became the Ponch show but I may have to stop doing that.  Ponch is barely in this episode and the end result is definitely the most boring episode of this show so far.  This is an episode that could have actually used Erik Estrada’s tendency to overact every single minute that he’s onscreen.  Larry Wilcox was definitely a better actor than Estrada but he’s so low-key that Baker’s just not that interesting when he’s left to his own devices.  One gets the feeling that Estrada would have totally gone totally overboard in portraying Ponch’s desire to leave the station but that would still have been more interesting than what we ended up with.

CHiPs is ultimately a show that’s about the joy of the California scenery and the excitement of driving a motorcycle down the highway.  It’s a show that works best when everyone is outside and on or in some sort of of vehicle.  With the exception of the opening scenes, this episode takes place almost entirely inside the station.  (And the station, it must be said, it not a particularly intriguing location.)  This episode fails because it goes against everything that makes CHiPs an entertaining show.  Fortunately, in the end, it turns out that the kid only had the flu and quarantine comes to an end.  Baker and everyone else is set free so that they can ride again.

 

Here’s The Trailer For Mission Impossible — The Final Reckoning

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

The previous Mission Impossible film was one of the best movies of 2023 and the upcoming sequel is one of the films that I can’t wait to see in 2025.  I’m definitely looking forward to seeing how the franchise wraps things up.  If nothing else, the Mission Impossible films stand as a reminder of what the Bond films were like before they all got whiny and somber.

Here’s the teaser for Mission Impossible — The Final Reckoning!

Monday Live Tweet Alert: Join Us For Stone Cold and 13 Hours!

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in hosting a few weekly live tweets on twitter and occasion ally Mastodon.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of Mastodon’s #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We snark our way through it.

Tonight, for #MondayActionMovie, the film will be Stone Cold, starring Lance Henriksen!

Then, on twitter, #MondayMuggers will be showing 13 Hours!  The film is on Prime and it starts at 10 pm et!

It should make for a night of exciting and thought-provoking viewing and I invite all of you to join in.  If you want to join the live tweets, just hop onto Mastodon, pull up Stone Cold on YouTube, start the movie at 8 pm et, and use the #MondayActionMovie hashtag!  Then switch over to twitter, pull 13 Hours up on Prime, and use the #MondayMuggers hashtag! 

Enjoy!

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 3.7 “El Viejo”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, Willie Nelson and Steve Buscemi guest star!

Episode 3.7 “El Viejo”

(Dir by Aaron Lipstadt, originally aired on November 7th, 1986)

Using their undercover identities of Burnett and Cooper, Crockett and Tubbs are attempting to take down a Bolivian drug lord named Mendez (Anwar Zayden).  Unfortunately, Crockett’s first attempt to bust Mendez does not go so well.  Their meeting, which is being held at a museum for some reason, is interrupted by a security guard.  In the resulting shootout, the security guard is killed and a green briefcase that’s full of cocaine is stolen by an old man named Jake Pierson (Willie Nelson).  Soon, Jake is attempting to contact Mendez himself, offering to bring him the briefcase.  Jake’s actions also bring him to the attention of Crockett and Tubbs, who both wonder why a 66 year-old Texan with no criminal record is suddenly trying to get involved in their drug deal.

Jake, it turns out, is a former Texas Ranger.  When he was younger, he was a legend.  He and his partner took down criminals like Bonnie and Clyde and protected Texas from Mexican revolutionaries who were preying on the border towns.  It’s been a while since Jack retired.  Now, he lives in a tiny apartment and spends most of his time thinking about the past.  He’s still a killer shot with a gun and knows how to handle himself in a fight.  But he also has a heart condition and, in fact, he would have died early on in the episode if Tubbs hadn’t given him his pills.  Crockett, for his part, idolizes the Texas Rangers, to an extent that almost seems out-of-character when you consider how cynical Crockett is usually portrayed as being.  Crockett is stunned that a former Ranger would be involved with running drugs.  Even though he’s pretending to be career criminal Sonny Burnett, Crockett still asks Jake about all of his adventures as a Ranger and does little to hide how impressed he is.

So, why has Jake gone over to the bad side?  Well, he really hasn’t.  It turns out that the son of his former partner was murdered by Mendez and Jake is looking to get revenge.  It all leads to a number of shoot-outs, including an exciting one that occurs on a Miami highway and an explosive finale at a cemetery.  Jake kills Mendez and his men but, in typical Miami Vice fashion, he takes a bullet himself and dies right after he reveals that he knew Crockett was a cop all along.

This episode features two notable guest stars.  Along with Willie Nelson, Steve Buscemi shows up in a small but memorable role as Rickles, who serves as a go-between for Crockett and Mendez.  Buscemi is as wonderfully weaselly as ever and, even though he’s a bit stiff as an actor, Nelson still brings a lot of Texas authenticity to the character of Jake Pierson.  Of course, in real life, Vice would have stopped Willie and searched his tour bus as soon as he entered the Miami city limits.  This is a pretty dark episode but it’s still amusing to watch iconic hippie stoner Willie Nelson play a cop, even if Jake is retired.

This was a good episode.  That Don Johnson and Willie Nelson were friends in real life is easy to deduce from witnessing how easily they play off of each other in this episode.  This is another episode where the bad guys are defeated but at the cost of a good guy.  Mendez will soon be replaced by another drug lord but no one will ever replace Jake Pierson.